Jebbus…..what the hell do you think?
I know my reaction is knee jerk “do you think us monsters?”, and that isn’t the point.
I know that many people, including my long suffering husband, have been hurt by this disease, this ragged excuse for a mentality. When we rage-we rage hard. Mogo has been on the receiving end of many s screaming fit-angers so vivid that it’s a good thing the “Will and Word” doesn’t exist. My body would shudder, and quake, and it took all of my control to not strike out at him. Our walls still hold the reminders of this violence.
We have feelings. The problem is, we have too many. While you feel an aching sadness at the news that someone stomped their baby to death, I feel an all consuming anger and sadness. It infiltrates my brain, and my heart, until that child might as well have been my child, and I can feel their tiny heart beat out it’s last pulse. When you feel a quiet happiness for someone who just had their child, I become obsessive, needing to do everything, be there, give oddles of advice, and feel maybe like a mother might.
While bipolar, there are no half measures. Happy is happy, sad is sad. There are feelings-immense feelings that overwhelm.
But to you, the outsider, it may seem like there are no feelings inside us as we blithely ignore your wants, your needs. Ours are paramount. We may recognize that you have feelings and needs, but they will never trump ours. We are important. You live around us.
Isn’t that horrible?
It’s difficult to have an interdependant relationship with someone who is bipolar, because that inter part? We have trouble with that. On a manic day, our ego will exceed you. On a down day, our misery will be all that matters. You….well, you won’t.
Now that I’m medicated, I can see what I was doing, how I was hurting people around me. I see people finally coming back out of the woodwork to talk to me, after years of avoiding me, aware of my sudden shifts and callous nature. Suddenly, I see all my wrongs, and I’m pentient, and unaware of how to fix it.
Feelings are there. We aren’t psychopaths. We just don’t know how to direct it to you, or how to say the words we mean. We just don’t live on the same plane sometimes.
Spin Me I Pulsate 
My first instinct when I saw that title was shock that someone could have asked that, but now I’m glad someone did, because this a brilliant, and sensitive, and enlightening post. Thank you.
Hey everyone! It’s been a while but I’m back here with my good friends, yea that’s one hell of a statement and it begs an answer, of course they do!!!
They can be the most loving people you could ever meet.
I know first hand as most of you know my tragic story.
Just thought I’d drop in and say hi to you all, so is Robert still round? and zuki? hows trustyourgut going?
Wayne
Was this a gentleman or woman describing him or herself?
Wow, what? Someone asked that?
Were they mixing it up with sociopaths?
Still, I guess wow, the context matters.
And good you answered this way…it all makes sense the way you explain it.
I wonder… maybe sociopaths have feelings, too.
I so relate to the primacy of self — and I secretly suspect even the “normal” folks do, too. It’s scary — we sort of want to have real relationships and really care about other people, give as well as receive, and give according to the other and not according to us… but, well, Other is scary.
Don’t you feel anesthetized to some degree by the medicine?? Though I can swing from pole to pole, authentic feelings sometimes fail me.
Not so much. Somedays yeah, I feel numbed to everything else, but I have other days when I feel things vividly, in a clarity I had never expected.
My doctor is adamant about never numbing me completely-like she said, what’s the point in that?
I have trouble with the bigger things, like truly feeling the love I know I have for people. Or maybe what I think love should manifest as isn’t really it at all.
Um, yeah. Speechless on this one.
My husband has a lot of trouble with that whole “inter” thing, up or down. He’s finally stable now and I’m just starting to feel like we have a real relationship. Bipolar disorder is truly a selfish illness, and you’re absolutely right – it leaves a lot of damage with other people, too.
I know all that I can know from text books and hands on experience from a healthcare professional’s perspective on Bipolar. What I don’t know is……living the reality of having a friendship/love with someone who is Bipolar. Thank you for a revealing story.
I could really relate to this post.
As a bipolar sufferer, I seem to feel things so intensely that it overwhelms me. For example, my husband and I went to see the movie Atonement. Well I was completely on another planet after seeing it, as it was so deep and dramatic. When I saw the Trainspotting move years back, I had to walk out , my companion found me in a restaurant trembling and in a bad state. He couldn’t understand of course.
If I see a stray dog, I become hysterical. Any cruelty to animals sends me over the top.
I obsess over my grown up sons, and worry about them far too much, as I do with my elderly mother.
I am a complete idiot when it comes to the underdog. I seem to attract people and their problems because I feel so deeply for them. This gotten me into big trouble in my life.
So, yeah, I say the bipolar people have more intense feelings that people without it.
Liz Osler
Hi Liz
I am a 42 year old who was recently diagnosed bipolar and I am also a health care professionial.
I am the same way you have just described. I care so much that it really makes me a mess. If a person I care for at work dies I end up on disability because of the anxiety. I have had to leave many great jobs because of this dissorder.
Some days if I even hear a ambulance I stress out.
Now when it comes to my loved ones, my woŕy is so much worse.. their health becomes almost all I think about and I end up not able to functionn.
For those of you out there that have a steady Dr and are on a medication that helps even out these feelings you are blessed. I am blessed to to finally have hope that with the help I am receiving now my life might resemble normalcy.
Thank you all for your comments on this site, you give me so much hope for my future.
Diagnosed Aug. 18, 2018
My 21 year old son has bi-polar and OCD. What you wrote (Do Bi-Polar People Have Feelings?) was so well put that I am going to read it to my husband and daughter who seem to only remember the times my son is hurtful and selfish and think that he is JUST selfish. I have long recognized that the selfish side is not my real son, but the effect of the disorder when it flares up. We can all be selfish and angry and hurtful when we are under the weather, it’s just that mental illness is mostly invisible and so it throws mentally stable people for a loop when it seems to arise out of no where. They don’t understand what it is like to have times when it is like your disorder takes control of your body and it takes the help of the right meds and sheer will power to control it at all. I don’t know about you, but my son is also the most caring and understanding and empathetic person in my life when he isn’t in the throws of a rage or obsession. His bad may be terrible, but his good is just soooo good!
What the hell kind of question is THAT? Does the QUESTIONER have feelings? Good Lord, is it really any wonder that folks who have depression, who are bipolar, or who have other serious psychological conditions can’t catch much of a break after all this time?
Questioner, go forth and find your OWN feelings some place. Good NIGHT…
Yeah the above is my first reaction.
My next reaction runs along the lines of yours, Thor. Though I am not bipolar, I am overly sensitive and the therapy I’ve had and the SSRIs I take have helped me manage that sensitivity to the point where I feel I can do things like raising my son without frequently biting his head off at some of the things he says or does. I could probably even handle a job outside the home at this point! But yes, the intensity of those feelings would scare the hell out of me and others around me who care. I got real tired of that kind of fear, and tired of the fear I had that it would harm my son.
Still and all, it amazes me, the questions sometimes…
Finally, someone has put into words what I have felt whenever I have an epsisode. I am still very passionate about issues that grab my emotions, but at least now I do see the line, even if I cross it now and again.
I do not have bipolar, but am sure my boyfriend does. He is going to see a psychiatrist on Monday. When I read the headline I immediately had to read on to discover find out the answer. This is because I ask myself that same question every day about my boyfriend. I have not been able to understand how he can yell at his children for no reason, scream at me, call me horrible names, make me feel like I am worthless, and have absolutley no remorse or feel the least bit bad about his behavior.
After reading the anwser, I have a much better understanding of what my boyfriend is going through and know it is not the man I fell in love with and had a child with that is so mean and emotionless. But, rather his illness.
Wish us luck!!!
Liprap-at first, I was a little like “oh no you didn’t…”, then, I moderated.
In high school I had a relationship with a manic depressive-not boyfriend girlfriend, just two lonely confused friends.
On day he had a manic episode and hit me. Prior to that, he had said horrible things, on a regular basis, followed the next by wonderful things.
At 17, dealing with my own shit, I had to cut him out of my life. Even now, when he contacted me on Facebook, I ignored him. I can’t do it. I still hurt so much from that, and from wondering why he was so….rotten.
Now I know. Now I know that he did have feelings but they were so buried….sigh. He was so messed up.
Elizabeth, I used to be the same way. I can’t watch certain movies because the scenes resonate for days. It’s better now with Lithium, but never perfect.
Tasha, your boyfriend (and myself) are lucky to have such strong people around us, willing to advocate for us.
Those of you from bipolar central-oh HAI! Please feel free to browse the archives, particularily the “bipolar” and “crazy” tags.
You describe exactly what I, too, as a bi-polar, feels. I’m sending my husband the link to this site so that he can understand what is going on in my head. Even though I’m medicated, it still doesn’t stop you completely from these feelings; it just tempers them – puts them in a “normal” range if you will.
Thank you very much.
Ya I Have Bipolar Disorder And I Belive Myself To Be A Two Faced Monster And Ive Wanted To End It All More Than Once Because I Find It Hard To Live With Myself Knowing Im Never Going To Get Better, Yes People Suffering Bipolar Disorder Have Feelings! No I Dont Belive It Instently Means Were All Selfish! And Saying Bipolar People Wanting Comfort Are Selfish Is The Most Ignorant Thing Ive Read Today.
Hi there,
I am asking you…due to the fact you have more than once wanted to end it……what brought you out of it?
At this point in my life I have made plans…and thought them out…but I wouldn’t -couldn’t due to my children and my mother, as my father just passed away.
Do you think you will get better from bipolar?
What meds are you currently on.
I was diagnosed 2 years ago and feel I am not on the right combination as I do not feel well at all.
Everyday seems worse than the last.
All I would like is peace and contentment….not much to ask.
I lost my mother as a child. I couldn’t do that to mine. It’s brought me back from the edge every single time.
I will never get better. I will get managed. I take lithium every day. I listen to my doctor. I fight with myself not to take the easy way out, to be a better person.
Life seemed horrible not too long ago. It will come, if you let it.
Ahhh, Jason. There is nothing wrong with wanting comfort, but EXPECTING comfort when you’ve been a jerk is wrong. At times, bipolar people are incredibly self-centered and selfish and the pain they inflict with their oversensitivity and paranoia (accusing others have nefarious thoughts, feelings, and motives and REFUSING to believe they are wrong the TRUTH when it is told to them by the victim of their emotional abuse) is brutal. They lash out and leave others emotionally hemmoraghing and THEN, they act like they don’t remember — sometimes they don’t. Other times they make up elaborate stories to justify their behavior that only they believe. God forbid they should ever apologize — they act like nothing at all happened while the recipient of their unprovoked attacks is still healing from internal emotional injury. And before you have a wall-eyed fit defending people with bipolar disorder, know this — I used to have irritable bipolar spells and I have other people in my family who have, have had, or should have had that diagnosis. I’ve been the perpetrator and the victim of bipolar raging. I know, I know — once bipolar, always bipolar. however, it has known to become less severe with age (I’m 58), and I haven’t had a hypomanic spell for over a year now. I’m not on a mood stabilizer.People I work with can’t believe I was ever diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so I don’t think I’m kidding myself. My husband of 35 years thinks I’m easy to live with and (of course) lots of fun. I am on Wellbutrin and take a sleep aid for my insomnia, so – maybe for me – that is preventing the bounce into hypomania — so I intimately know how the bipolar mind thinks and justifies unjustifiable behavior. To all those fellow BPs out there, PLEASE make it easier for those you love to heal from the pain you’ve inflicted by APOLOGIZING when you’ve been mean. It also makes it a lot easier for them to forgtve you. There are people from an earlier time in my life that will never be able to forgive me, and that’s okay. I certainly understand because I KNOW how hard it is to forgive someone, even someone you love a lot for cruelty even if they can’t help it. BP’s must learn self-awareness, “It is not that everyone is irritating; it is that I am irritasble,” Then tell everyone, ‘i’m irritable; It isn’t your fault, but please, don’t ask me anything until I get over myself.”
I have to say that the question, “Do Bipolars have feellings?” is a valid one. At least from the perspective of someone who has been in a love relationship with one for two years. It’s very hard, after all the harranguing, after all the irrational blow-ups, the infantile fits of self-absorbed crying and wallowing self-pity, to firmly believe that your loved one has abiding feelings for you, or even an abiding awareness that you exist. That’s cynical, but it happens. Even when your lover is working hard, it is the ACTIONS, not the thoughts that eventually count. What haunts me the most, is the feeling that no matter what I do, or what she does, to grow and heal, she may always be essentially a selfish person. I mean at the core, unable or unwilling to be in a 50/50 relationship. She’s said as much…then changed the semantics of the statement, but I think she meant it. She is subtly cold, detatched, short, uninvolved, needy, demanding, cruel, mean. Of course, she has her normal moments…but they are just moments. I have never seen her in a manic state, but it seems her inter-breakdown functioning-that is, her NORMAL state is one of broad maladjustment, visa-vis close relationships. Despite being intelligent and a high achiever, she is a little girl in her romantic relationship with me. Not always, but probably 60% of the time. There is probably no time in which I can expect her to give like she takes, or when I can truly count on her. She always speaks of the virtues of being a good mate, and it clearly is a huge ego issue for her to perform…everything is about her ego…but she falls WAY short of being a good mate. She tries. And I know it’s very hard. But I am in despair when I realize I’m with someone who sees me as a convenience. I really doubt she has the capacity to love me in a real, deep, abiding sense. I want to think differently. Despite the changes she’s made, I seem to see an emptiness in her…so self-centered, that there is nothing there for a lover to hold on to. I shudder to think about what might happen should I ever really need her the way she has so often needed me. I think she’d just leave.
It’s a sad thing that bipolars have their own perspective, and their “reasons” for acting as they do, to defend themselves. But the other sad thing, is, their lovers (at least in a case like mine) are ALONE. The bipolar is alone, too. It’s very sad, because there is no way (at present, for me), to reach in and hold her, or to coax her out to really BE WITH ME. I feel like she’s not really there. I see bipolars get mad at the assertion that they often seem selfish. Sorry to say it, but for many bipolars, that’s exactly what they need to hear, and to struggle to come to grips with. There’s an intense selfishness that emminates from some bipolars (in love relationships). I know I live it every day with my bipolar girlfriend. Yes, she wants to be different. She even shows signs of improvement . But then in a minute, she’s in her own world. No matter what just happened, or what we’ve gone through, or what I have to do to keep her from blowing up…in any given moment, she can be walled up behind a mile of ego defenses and self-involved distractions. She even openly defends hese things, sometimes. She’s often very self-aware, and is generally aware of her world. But she suffers from subtle distortions of thought, reason, and emotion, which ABIDE at her core. I think it’s not so much a question of how she is, in or out of episodes, but who and what she is, irrespective of episodes. I’m pretty educated as to the basics of bipolar disorder, and I do believe she has not suffered a manic, or a severe depressive episode since we met. But if this is how she is in between episodes, then this is who she is. I believe she can change, but I don’t know if she will, or if I will be here to witness it. It’s a difficult situation, because I don’t want to leave her. If only she were capable of REALLY being my friend, my companion. That’s what’s lacking. Maybe it’s as much an incompatibility as her illness. But that selfish outlook…that’s a killer. I know what it’s like to be the bad guy. Years ago, i was the self-absorbed one, in a relationship with a beautiful young woman who did her level best to keep us together, sometimes saying”if you could just accept yourself, I love you the way you are.” But I wasn’t ready to chenge…until she left me. I may never stop regretting having lost her/driven her away. Later, I grew and changed. Now, I’m in a simmillar relationship, except…I was not bipolar. I had more subtle issues to deal with, and my whole ego & personality was more intact and healthy. I was at least capable of changing, albeit too late for my ex. I wonder, hope, and pray, is my current lover capable of waking up before it’s too late? Will she break out of that selfishness, and realize a path to living WITH someone else, as a true mate? That’s rhetorical. I guess I will see.
ruben-she sounds exactly like I did, before the Lithium worked.
We can be VERY selfish-you’re right. We get so wrapped up in the disease and how we’re feeling..and you get lost within that.
Is she medicated? Is it working? Is she just inherently selfish, or is it really the disease?
It’s so hard. How any of our partners do it, I just don’t know.
HEY THORDORA:
Thanks for your reply. I have to apologize for being harsh. I’m venting.
Thanks also for sharing your insihts as a bipolar person.
No, she’s not on any meds. She said that about three years ago, her therapist suggested she could-and probably should go off meds, being that she had not had a manic or severe depressive episode in a long time. In a way, I’d agreee with that, being that the meds must have drained her of so much sensation and feeling, not to mention the decreased libido, weight gain, etc. I find it hard to suggest anyone must be on meds, when they are so heavy. Now, I never knew her in those days.
She says the meds did indeed help, but when it was clear she had learned to avoid manic episodes, she felt it was right to rely on herself. I agree.
Which makes me wonder…and maybe there’s no good answer here…if what I see in her is not hypomania, then is it just her personality? I find this the saddest question of all. Is it possible that her normal functioning has been so affected by the process or disease of bipolar disorder, that she is just selfish, weak, cold, subtly convinced she’s being persecuted, etc? In other words, does this condition permanently alter one’s brain and mind, or is it even that people with these tendencies of thought and emotion are prone to being bipolar?
I do know this, according to what I studied as an undergrad psych major, and what I know of the DSM, her episodes of maladaptive behavior do not follow any recognized cycle of mania, hypomania, or mixed episodes. I really think she’s NOT experiencing mania. I think she’s been so affected by those previous episodes, so rocked, that she’s adapted into being irrationally self-protecting, bringing out in her a kind of mild paranoia, and a way of explaining most of her difficulties with me (or any other really close relationships) by laying blame on the other. She argues like a lawyer, then says I’m perpetually arguing with her. When I’m really making a good point about our difficulties stemming from her self-centered, defensive, vulnerable or cold tendencies, she closes her eyes, like she’s falling asleep…shutting it all out. Then she locks up, and ends the discussion.
I guess the only constructive question I could ask at this point, to any bipolars out there-especially women, is DO YOU THINK THAT BEING BIPOLAR-EVEN LONG IN REMISSION, CAUSES PEOPLE TO BE PERMANENTLY DEFENSIVE, IRRATIONALLY SENSITIVE AND SELF-CENTERED, DETATCHED, AND NEEDY? DOES THE CONDITION SOMEHOW PERMANENTLY WARP A MIND INTO A SORT OF DELUSION ABOUT HOW THEY RELATE TO THOSE CLOSEST TO THEM? Because my girlfriend, despite being very intelligent and insightful in many ways, seems to be in the thrall of an abidingly warped sense of how she treats me, or what’s really happening. She can realize at times that she’s out of line, and be very contrite…but then she goes back to the same old thing…minutes later. And the wierdest thing is, she actually says she believes that I want to argue with her…that I’M the one who wants power, influence, to dominate, or be an authority, to compete with her. I see it as so bizarre. These are not in any way the things I want out of our relationship. I want to have an absolutely trusting, secure relationship with a woman who is my best friend. I want to admire her, to look up to her as much as anything else. But she keeps insisting I want to put her down or argue with her. It’s like a delusion.
But I’m being redundant.
Any perspective you may have would be appreciated. She’s worth loving.
OK, I’ve just read more accounts of people SEVERELY affected by bipolar disorder. Now My lover’s brand of subtle delusion and mild paranoia seem like blessings, compared to the scenarios I’ve read. I should be thankful she’s not experiencing full-blown episodes, and that her level of persecutory beliefs are so low as to be unrecognizeable, without close examination.
Maybe because she’s (close) to being “normal,” I just have a hard time believing she really believes the things she does. I somehow expect her to make the step from being difficult, stormy, self-centered and ultra-sensitive, to being well-adjusted.
Perhaps I should thank God-and her-that she’s so well-off. At least she’s functional, and in graduate school. At least she’s not stark raving mad, and in total terror.
Life is hard, any way you look at it. It’s just harder for some people.
Hearing you say “She’s worth loving” makes me happy. So many of us are, and the effort is just herculean, and scary.
I find it odd that a doc would say she could go on and off her meds according to episode-did you hear them say that, or did she say that herself? (I’m asking because I’ve been incredibly manipulative in regards to my meds in the past) It doesn’t make sense-most medication for bipolar takes quite some time to reach true theraputic levels, and coming off the drugs abruptly can cause problems. (I cold turkeyed off Wellbutrin and triggered my self into hospital)
I’m not lying when I hear my self in what you’re saying. And I don’t believe that mental illness goes into remission. I really don’t. I think we’re able to better compensate for the demands our brains put on us, but I don’t think we can live the rest of our lives drug and therapy free.
Of course, there are exceptions to everything.
Can you go with her to a doctor, for a second opinion? I was very very scared of drugs for a long time, but now, on lithium, I’ve found a drug that doesn’t make me numb or ruin me. It makes me as close to normal as I’ve ever been, and my marriage is thriving for this. Perhaps there is something that can help her as well. When I look back, I can’t believe all the things I thought were true. Pure delusion.
Feel free to email me Ruben-thordoraATgmail.com
Ruben…
For those of us who are irrationally self-protective (which doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with bipolar — I’m not bipolar), being told so by those closest to us doesn’t help, even when we know it’s true. If you two are having serious, recurring, chronic issues in your relationship, I would suggest a good marriage counselor. There is something about an objective third party and / or an expert that can allow us defensive fearful types to work a little more effectively.
People need to realize that being Bi-Polar is a permanent medical disorder/disease like Diabetes. It can’t be cured, it can only be treated & monitored. There are new medications that are coming out every day to help Bi-Polars. Sometimes you have to keep trying different combinations & even new drugs to find what will work for you. You have to be patient & work with your doctor. If you don’t like what is happening with your meds, speak up. The doctor works for you. If you’re still not satisfied, get another doctor. There’s no reason to suffer. I see that a lot of you take lithium. I take Depakote & Lamictal. I go to a psychiatrist for my medication management & go to a counselor for my emotional & other issues management. When your an unmedicated Bi-Polar you will have picked up all sorts of behavioral quirks (for what of a better word) that needs to be addressed. It took me 10 years to work out most of my quirks.
The best advice I can give from one Bi-Polar to another, get on some meds that work, STAY on them, & get some counseling.
I think the real question here is do bipolar people have feelings for you? It is obvious that bipolar people have feelings, wether layed out on the couch in uncontrollable sobbing or elevated highs of laugher and talking. For those of us that are a partner in this illness, the question is never does the bipolar person have feelings but rather do they have feelings for me? Seemingly the one emotion that a bipolar person seems to be able to keep a tight lid on is love. This desease is selfish wether it has the bipolar person in the depths of dispare where they cant see their partner through the darkness, or on top of the rainbow where the colors are to bright to notice their spouse standing firm beside them. Often we as partners feel left out, ignored, and at the end of the day like our partners dont care one bit about us or our feelings, because they are engrosed in their own feelings. So does a bipolar person have feelings for you? The answer as I see it yes, they do. Even when this illness pulls them in all the wrong directions, when their impulsive feelings effect their decisions and even when they are breaking your heart. They love you, it is just in those moments they can not see you. With proper meds and theropy to level those moods, you will be standing grounded beside them and they will then be filled with recognition and love for the person who stayed grounded and planted there right beside them while they were off chasing rainbows. I feel that it is important as a partner to try and remember that the bipolar person in the relationship isnt doing the impulsive behaviors or staying on the couch because that is what they are choosing to do. That is simply where the illness is taking them. Also to always remember that your emotions are important too. What is most frusterating to me is that the mood disorder clinics do not offer support groups for spouces. We are simply left to our own devices. This illness effects everyone, and as partners I feel it is so important that we too be taught how to deal with all of this. I understand that some people are coming from abusive relationships and it could be dangerous to involve an abusive spouse in the recovery process. However, what about all of us who genuinly love and care about our partners and truly want to understand the illness and be given the tools to cope with the emotional blows we all take as a result of this illness? The resources out there for partners of bipolar people are slim, and availabliity is even slimmer. In fact this is the frist web site I have come across that has been helpful at all. So thank you to all of you for engaging in intelligent open minded conversation. I am finding this very helpful.
Seemingly the one emotion that a bipolar person seems to be able to keep a tight lid on is love
Jenn, that is so very true. Love was the one thing that unmedicated scared the crap out of me.
I am a 48 year old physician who has led a full life, including professionally. Like most physicians who are not shrinks, I have dealt with bipolars as patients from time to time, but never gave any thought as to what it might be like to be romantically involved with one
But over the last 6 months I fell in love with a 38 year old woman that I initially took into my home somewhat like a stray dog. I was quickly overwhelmed by the anger, self-centeredness, lack of reciprocal affection, etc. She has recently ended our relationship and my attempts to convince her that I love have proven ineffective and actually counter-productive.
I am writing her just to thank all of you for what you have shared here. I have gone on-line a few times in the past to make sense of her behavior, but nothing has been near as insightful as what I have learned here.
PS–Sorry about the typo’s, I should have proof-read it prior to hitting the “submit” button.
That’s why I write these Sean. To bring perspective to all of us. Lord knows I could have used it 2 years ago.
This is the best thread I have ever read. I too am in the same boat as many of you. Not afflicted by Bipolar but have deep true love for one who is. We haven’t talked in awhile as it is too painful for me, but i think of her everyday and dream of her every night. She is worth loving and worth the hurt but I am not the one who can be there as much as I wish I were stronger. Sadly I am not…..
Hello, and thank u all for your honesty and insight on this website. I was currently reconnected with an old high school friend… we both found out that we not only went to the same high school and still share a lot of the same friends, but we also grew up in the same city in europe as kids, and now both work in the same profession. We have basically lived very parallel lives. We met up again by a chance encounter, and fell in love immediately. Everything was wonderful for 2 weeks, and then one day he just woke up at my place -the first time he stayed the night in my room- and he woke up so angry. Up until this point I had been the centre of his world and a goddess to him. We had already decided we were made for each other and would get married and have kids one day. I know it was fast… but we had also known each other 15 years earlier in high school, but never romantically, more like acquaintances. Anyways… he woke up angry, and a completely different person. He usually always held my hand and carried my bag… this day he walked ahead of me huffing and puffing, until I burst out, I could not handle it anymore. I finished by crying, he walked off and did not contact me. I called him the next day and he said he had bought a ticket to go overseas to visit his best friend. He ended up leaving for 3 weeks, and never contacted me wen gone. The day he came back to town, he called me immedately, I missed the call and called back, and his phone was off.Once again he was too proud to make the move. So, I text him. We text back and forth a couple of times, and he invited me out the next day. I met up with him and his friend, we had a great night… altho I was sooo nervous at first. We did drink have to say… but it was like we continued from where we had left off… it was perfect, and again he was telling the world (and all his friends) he was going to marry me and have kids with me. Then he had to go away to a friends’ family gathering… he walked me home, everything was perfect. Then I did not hear from him ALL weekend. He finally called, I met up with him again, he was somewhat reserved with his feelings… then as the night and the beers progressed, he was abusive and bossy with me again. We had a huge fight where I cried, and he apologized, then we went home to my place. He wanted to sleep with me and I said no. Then he told me how much he loved me, always had and always would… and I know it sounds like he was just trying to sleep with me, but it was really more than that… he went on to say he was really scared of loving me, and knew I was, but we would try harder. But he also said that I also had to understand that he would always go, but he would always come back. Anyways, he woke up in the morning (2nd time sleeping in my room) ANGRY!!! again!!! He had borrowed my rent money from me the night before, and pressured me into lending him the money, by accusing me of not trusting him. Then he woke up in the morning, and when he was getting dressed I asked him why he was leaving, he said I could come, but didn’t really seem like he wanted me to, he was angry. Then wen I asked if he could pay me back the money… he blew up and asked for receipts and said I was just using him for money. I told him it as not true. He then walked out. I emailed him an hour later, and he was online at the same time as me. He text me twice that day to ask for my account details, and emailed me… but I told him forget about it. I also sent him a super long email about everything on my mind, that he “could” be bipolar and I that he had really hurt me. I told him I loved him more than words could explain, and that I could go with him if he wanted to a doctor, but not to contact me otherwise because he had torn me apart soo much. He never wrote back. I wrote again… I said, please just give me an explanation, I love you and I have been so depressed, please give me closure. Still nothing. Like last time before he went overseas, he also ignored my heartfelt text message. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Anyway, I guess what I want to know is… what should I do! Leave him alone like last time, and then he will come back? Also, how do I break it to him that he is bipolar- i’ve done so much research on it, and he clearly is bipolar. He will get angry and not want to see it. Maybe he will never contact me again because I told him to look into it in the email, and alsocut and paste some infor for him. I told him he could have it, but might not, and that it didn’t hurt to look into it, and said that maybe he just had issues with anger. he also has huge abandonment issues with his parents. He has no bro or sisters, and only his good guy friends from the last ten years who are his family. Most are in relationships and married… does he not think about why they are, and he is not?? Also, another thing I read, one of the symptoms, not liking crowds or confined spaces. When we go clubbing we can never go on the dancefloor, only stand near the bar- he told me he gets very uncomfortable in crowds, he almost freaked out when we went to a parade and got stuck in a crowd once, I’ve never seen him so scared. Then each time he wakes up in my room… he is angry… my room is very small and kind of like a basement-feel -u have to walk up a couple of steps to get out. Maybe this is why he always wakes up angry in my room?? I guess ALL this writing… what I want to know is… does he care? does he mean all these things he says to me? Will he return? What should I do? How should I treat him? How will he ever learn he is bipolar if he has no family to intervene, and his guy friends will not ever do anything about it. I am so depressed, I have stayed in bed for a week, I am so drained, i have no energy to function. I feel used and so unbelieveably hurt. After a week of depression, I am slowly getting out of it though, and in a couple of days will be back to normal (somewhat) so don’t worry about me. I am just heartbroken, and feel very betrayed.
Just to make it a bit clearer since I know it is the length of a novel… does he mean the nice things? the bad things? both? neither? how do i know for sure? why does he disappear, and will he return? do i leave him alone, or contact him 2 remind him i love him? usually i would feel so desperate and stupid doing that, but is this what he needs? how does he ever face his problem? thanks for ur patience with all my questions…. i am in need of advice so dearly!!!
the other thing i forgot to mention… the last contact I had with him was the following email… what is ur acount nb… which bank… i will deposit. I can’t see you anymore, you and me are not good together, we drink too much and it scares me… its not you… its just that i don’t need another drinking buddy… that’s it.
So what does that mean? We do drink a lot when we are together on holidays, but not all the time… … I am in NO WAY sayng that is a good thing, but we both work freelance and have weeks off where we can go party and sleep in, so being young, we do that. However he also does recreational drugs if they are offered (does not go out looking for them ever), and I do not do any drugs. So wen he says this i really feel like it is an excuse. I only really drink wen I am with him, bc I get nervous of his moods sometimes, and he drinks with his friends when he disappears from my life for weeks at a time. Is this just an excuse? Two days prior to this email he was calling all his friends saying that he wanted to marry me?? This is crazy… what am I to believe. One minute I am truly convinced he loves me, and the next I am convinced he was just using me, and loves to hurt women and gets great pleasure out of it. So confused.
drinking affects his moods & made him prone to irritability. I noticed that in my ex. every time he went drinking, he’d become an angry person the next day & we broke up (a few times). It was always 1-2 days after drinking. Maybe keep it to a max of 3 drinks (maybe 4, at the most). No more than 3-4 drinks
– dated a very sweet, affectionate bipolar guy
Oh Denise this story rings so true with me! I thought my situation was so weird and no one could understand but by doing bit of research on bipolar on net and coming across your story, it had certainly cleared a lot of things up for me and wondering why a person was acting this way, I knew there was an explanation but couldnt understand until i came across the symptoms of bipolar! Thanks denise, please email me.
Hello! Thanks for the reply… it is so hard, isn’t it?!! I would love 2 know more about ur situation. Wat is ur email address, if u’d like to share stories pls write…. I am glad that my long, soooo detailed posts have been able to halp someone!! lol… I have written so much, but writing and sharing really helps for some reason… and I really am bad at the short and sweet, lol.
this girl i know and love but am really scared of now has been pretty much doing the same to me as what(confused)partner is doing to her.Who knows what there true feelings are!I dont know if they know themselves so i think that question will always remain un answered!It is a very selfish illness but also cant be blamed on the person but without medication there will never be any chance of normality>please dont blame yourself it isnt you and youll constantly feel like bashing your head against a wall..and you,ll never be able to figure this person out so dont bother trying i am convinced this person is well worth loving but sadly my advice would be walk away with your sanity now if you can.you,ll do your head in and trying to convince one to seek help is a battle itself and if they can hide from you they will!sorry
After everything I have been thru, all the lies I have been told, all the heartache…. the understanding and patience… the forgiving… All I can conclude is that…. “No, Bipolar people such as the person I am dealing with, have no feelings at all, no sense of remorse for the pain they inflict, no empathy for all we go thru, no care or heart wen they leave behind a destructive path” I’m sorry to say… but this is all I can say after everything I have been thru, I have been broken, disrespected, made a fool.
We do have feelings unfortunately to many intense ones.
Again I was d iagnossed a week ago, but even before I knew I was behaving the following way. When I was feeling (depressed, and anxiety).
Over the years while being misdiagnosed, I have learnt that when I feel threatened, even if people don’t think they are making me feel this way, they have. (ALL FEELINGS ARE RIGHT NOT WRONG. EVERYONE HAS FEELINGS AND THEY ARE ALL JUSTIFIABLE BECAUSE THEY ARE OURS OR YOURS).
That’s when I get defensive, standoffish, and even fear leaving my room or home. and I really couldn’t open up even though I want to.
Logically I know I am behaving in a irrational way, even with the ones I care about the most. When in this state I lie to cover for what I am doing saying and appearing to everyone.
I never want to be this way and feel a lot of shame. But it all comes to this..I am in self preservation mode. I( psychiatrists words) i don’t realize it until I have pushed everyone that cares for me away.
The people who have remained in my life are the ones who can leave me be when feeling and acting that way, then come back and make contact Sith me again a month later or they just end up knowing I need space for a bit and that it has nothing to do with them it’s me. I have never admitted to them the way I have been feeling at the time.
It took me just about dying last week to have a psychiatrist committ me.so he could help get me on the right medications. I want to and hope once the medications start to work I will ‘ve able to sit down and let them know how much they mean to me then explain the feelings I have in certain times & why there can be long periods of time where leaving my home puts me into “self presivation mode”. But I already have a good idea they already know I am bipolar and that is why they do leave me be for a time so I don’t feel threatened and can maintain our friendships. You see most of the people who continue to stay witb me are healthcare professionals or social workers by profession.
Thank you all for helping a new diagnosee gain more insight.
bipolar people DO have feelings. Wy do you think we are so messed up? If we didn’t then things would be so much easier, on us as well as the people around us. I wish you were right. I wish we didn’t.
What do we do when there’s nothing left to do? Where do we go when there’s nowhere left to go? You obviously don’t see the lonely and petrifying moments. You only see the ripples.
I have been in love with a man for 8 years. Four of those years we dated and it was on again off again. He would tell me one day he didnt love me and the next he did..and he always seemed so genuine in what he was feeling. He would break up with me and devastate me and then he would want me back. Four years again he asked me to marry him and i moved in with him. His moods continued to change about me but he would never break up like he used to…now he has decided he is no longer in love with me. The relationship with him has been so traumatic. My friends got tired of the drama…i woke up one day and realized i was completely alone. He shows no remorse for the emotional torment he has caused me. A “healthy” person would never treat someone like this. Its hard to let go because i have hung on so long..i am damaged emotionally from this. His mother is Bi-polar…Anyway its just been terrible. He drinks every night to drown his feelings…he does not like crowds, he has anxiety but he functions like a champ at work and with his family. Its just me that has suffered. I have done such a good job of taking the abuse that noone else has had to suffer. Its one of the most heartbreaking situations i have ever experienced in my life. I am the one who crys allthe time now and has alienated my friends. Everyone has told me for years he is a jerk and i should leave..but i became too attached. The things he has said and done are so painful. He tells me i am the problem now..anyway thanks for listening
Nice one everyone. Just walk away. Why not. Perhaps you are blinded by your own emotion rather than the problem at hand. Please, just try walking a day in their shoes too. You might find yourself in the same places.
I just wanted to say thanks for the website Thordora. I’ve read alot of your posts and this website is one of the few steps forward I’ve been able to take in dealing with this.
I’ve been dating a bipolar person for a year. He has broken up with me and then gotten back together with me 5 or 6 times. I thought I was going crazy because everything quickly went from being utterly perfect to being an absolute chaotic nightmare full of suspicion, irrationality, cruelty and abandonment. And because I didn’t understand the nature of bipolar, I thought everything was my fault and that I was losing my mind. Seeing other people’s stories that mirror my own helps me deal with the fact that it’s not just me. So thanks very much for that.
Now I’m trying to figure out whether to stay with this person or not. He tells me I mean everything in the world to him. That I am the Holy Grail etc. He apologises afterwards for the things he does, but can very rarely discuss them in detail as it eventually sends him into a frenzy. And then he does the same thing to me again a few weeks down the track. So I basically just have to move on as though nothing happened.
I can deal with the subtle/not-so-subtle distortions of reality, the selfishness, the constant paranoia, the overwhelming ego followed by the incredible self-pity and the host of other baggage that comes along with this disorder.
However, the one thing I cannot deal with is the abandonment and the cutting off of all communication. Why do bipolar people cut off all contact like this? The person I am dating is American (as am I) and we met in Australia, where we were both working. He had to return to the US last week because he was laid off at his job due to a restructure and didn’t have the proper VISA. After a month of one of his episodes of not contacting me, he tells me his flight for the US leaves in a week and that he doesn’t know if he’ll be coming back but that he wants to be with me. This is when he calls me the Holy Grail.
We spend a few days together before he leaves and then we have a fight because I want to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves. He interprets this as controlling. He was completely obsessing about cleaning his apartment before he left and giving away his furniture to his friends that he completely forgot I existed almost. But I needed to talk to him about planning and other serious issues because he had cut off all contact the month before this. So after spending a a few days together, he cuts off contact with me again and says he can’t be with someone that controlling. I end up having to show up at the airport to see him.
He tells me he’s in love with me, that he wants to be with me, that he’s sorry for everything. That he wishes he had spent more time with me etc. He tells me not to cry because he’ll be back in a month with a new job. When he gets home, he calls me all the time and tells me all the sweet things anyone would want to hear. He sends me pictures of units he wants to live in with me and tells me he wishes he was there when he went hiking etc. He says that he sees things clearly now and that so much insanity was happening that he didn’t know how to react – which is why he shut me out for weeks at a time. I told him that he was just nervous because he hadn’t been back to the US in a long time. But then he insisted that he really did love and want to be with me.
One week after he gets home, I finally get the courage to talk to him about serious planning. I was always afraid to because anything serious triggered him to shut down. He said he wanted to be with me, so I needed to know WHERE he wanted to be with me – Australia or somewhere in the US – so I could plan my life accordingly. I asked him again if he wanted to be with me and he said absolutely. But he wanted to leave it all up to chance. If he got a job in the USA, it’s like he expected me to go wherever he was. If we’re in a relationship, we needed to decide on a place to find a job (neither one of us would have a problem getting a job) and then focus on that. He then told me he couldn’t commit to that. So i asked him what he wanted to do to ensure we would be together and he just said wait and see where he ends up??
I told him I had been through too much and that if he wanted to be with me he needed to be more proactive rather than tossing the cards up into the air and let them fall where they may. And I knew this was risky because this sort of talk always triggers him into bipolar episodes. And I told him I had to go because I was afraid I’d yell or we’d get into a fight. So I hung up.
He then sent me a text saying he cares about me more than I’ll ever know and that he’s sorry he can’t commit because he doesn’t know where he’ll end up. I send him a message back saying, “Where you end up doesn’t matter. If you want to be with me, then we can both make it happen”. I then get a message saying he needs a break from all the craziness and that I should “have a great day :)”. I don’t hear from him for over a week and still have not.
I needed to type all that out because for some reason it’s cathartic. But my main question is this:
Why do bipolar people shut people out like this? I would rather he scream at me. But when he absolutely shuts down and cuts off ALL contact it drives me absolutely insane to the point where I can no longer function. All of these contradictions…why does it happen? Why do bipolar people disappear?? It’s not like he said he didn’t want to be with me this time. He just up and disappeared and left me wondering what I should do.
I’d say out of the past 13 months, we’ve spent 11 of it as a couple and 2 months with him disappearing. Please, any advice/insight appreciated.
Hi there all.
WOW. From the perspective of a person who was married (now divorced, thankfully) to a person who is bipolar, this is a GREAT question.
And, like one poster suggested, it is not whether they have feelings – they DO. It’s extreme feelings. Disproportionate feelings. Abundance of feelings.
Rather, the question is, are the feelings, about you or anything, authentic. At least that’s how I interpreted it.
I know this is defensive for those with bipolar – ‘how the hell could they ask the question….walk in my shoes’
But, try walking a day in our shoes.
Instead of defense, maybe we can shed light on the perspectives of each other. I certainly have learned a lot from everyone with bipolar what it is like to have it. And, it explained a LOT in my marriage. Didn’t make it OK, but explained it.
Lori – my story could have been yours. It is very hurtful and damaging. Ups and downs that you can pattern out now.
From the non-bipolar partner perspective, when we see so many mood changes, changes in interests, passions, life choices, we are left feeling if any of the passion/feelings that were felt a few days ago about something (or you, or someone) were real at all?
I often wonder if my xh loved me at all? Given what it looked like without knowing it was bipolar, it is normal to feel.
I think the best thing is that if you ARE bipolar, letting a potential partner know what you are going through and what you might experience. If you can’t control these episodes, I think you should not get into a relationship without tellign someone fully. Wouldn’t you tell them openly about any other condition you had? That way, they can make choices.
But, mostly it looks like the questions and relief here is felt by people who do not get help for bipolar, and that ends up feeling abusive.
And, as much as I know it’s a disease, we cannot liken it, simply to cancer or diabetes. Those don’t emotionally hurt those around you. It is similar in disease perspective, but that’s it. It’s harder, you must understand, when the people you affect are hurt emotionally or physically or financially, it often feels intentional because things are said with such conviction, extreme decisions, self-pity, you believe the blame on others (mostly you), you take blame to take control, and you learn to give your life and attention to the emotions they are always riding. Things are rationalized, nothing you say is heard, or even thought of.
For many people, it’s not just a time of raging on others and screaming fits. It’s draining the bank account, leaving a spouse and kids, kicking them out, cheating, abusing them emotionally, wreckless decisions.
I read that someone in a post said that we should try walking in their shoes before leaving. How could we walk away?
If they want help, then I agree, if that is what you want.
IF they don’t, then I honeslty, from my experience, feel that symptoms that I went through from someone does not warrant standing around, and dealing with it. I know he does not mean it, but it doesn’t make it OK, and it doesn’t mean I have to live with it.
Let me ask this. Speaking of selfish.
Don’t you think that it’s a little selfish to get into a relationship if you know you act like this, and are capable of this?
Why ruin someone’s life? Get help or get on with it.
But, as the original poster stated, it is what it is. Sometimes the partner doesn’t matter. It is selfish and hurtful. I respect that.
I also hope that folks here can respect a partners decision to, when fully informed, walk away as THEIR choice.
rose – i agree with so many of your points. It is so true that we should be warned beforehand. bipolar ppl seem to be quick to blame us, yet not understand that we also go through extreme pain. I have been on the brink of suicide because of wat my guy did to me and does to me –he cheats, lies, steals, disappears– yet I ALWAYS try to imagine wat it is lyk for him, and not for one second does he stop to think wat it is lyk for me?? I feel used and I never know if he really loves me or just comes by 2 use me?? A little warning and understanding on both sides would be nice. You don’t have to be Bipolar to have extreme feelings of depression and thoughts of suicide and loss….
fz – i totally understand wat u r going thru. I have been dating a guy that I know from years ago in high school. We reunited and have now been dating –and apparently soulmates and so-so-in-love– for 6 months. It was a fairytale, and I really felt that he was SO in love with me, and me with him. I feel like we are meant to be, I would settle down for him, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. But in 6 months he has disappeared about 5 times, for weeks/months at a time. If he goes overseas, its months… its like he forgets about me bc he is overseas. In 6 months we have been together maybe 1 month, if that?? Yet, he always comes back as if nothing, and still pronouncing love to me, and wanting to marry and have kids with me…. then BAM… disappears again. No contact, phone, facebook, internet, texting, NOTHING!!!! Does he even think about me I wonder?? He even contacts our mutual friends on their facebook and msn pages… but not ME!!!??? Please explain someone??? Why??? I have the same question…. why do they disappear and have NO contact with us watsoever, and return like nothing weird just happened?? wat about our feelings?? do they not count?? I just want to kno if he means these things or not, how can I find this out, how can I tell??
lg – I am sorry if you feel this way about ppl walking away… I don’t blame ppl. But as for me… I HAVE NEVER walked away. NEVER. No matter wat my guy does to me. Instead I let him get away with everything, set the rules, come and go as he pleases. I send him messages telling him I understand and I love him and to just return wen he is ready…. then I leave him. I try to think wat it is like for him. But he never thinks wat it is like for me!! I NEVER WALK AWAY, BUT HE ALWAYS WALKS AWAY, and it is just as hurtful for a non bipolar person, just as traumatic, just as depressing, and I have just as many thoughts about ending it all. So please don’t consider our feelings as just ripples, as my feelings have been tidal waves even tho I am not bipolar. I hope u can also understand our pain is also very deep.
Thanks for reading everyone, this site is such a gr8 support!
I can understand it hurts. I felt that way when my ex left. But life with bipolar spouse & potentially bipolar kids won’t be easy. Google & read more about “bipolar children rage/tantrum/violence”
This is really nice to talk about this.
It’s amazing the damage it does and how long it takes to ‘undo’ it in ourselves. Really, I don’t ask for bipolar ppl to be considerate or understand, because when the disease takes over, I will accept that they cannot. But, that’s also not a person I can live with.
In that way, it is MY choice. I guess the answer is to accept it, that your life will be a living hell of back and forths and so many other things, and even if on meds, the risk of stopping them…..or you say you need someone who is not bipolar. I chose the latter.
I dated someone recently who was not bipolar, after being with a bipolar person for so long, and it was AMAZING, not to have to consider mood swings ruining a day or days, to not be fearful of misery attacks, to not sit and wonder when you are ignored during manic highs and depressive attacks, to not wonder if they are cheating on you, taking your $, to not have to indulge in the raging pity parties.
I just think that if you are bipolar and know it, you should NOT be in a relationship. No matter how prepared the person is on the other end, it is not a healthy one, since most of the time, by admission by people here, you can’t help being selfish and awful. It should not suck another persons life to take care of everything and worry, and put up with it.
So we deserve to be alone?
No LG we deserve to have as many people in our lives as the rest of the population does. I think we just form our relationships slower. I know I do. Trust becomes so hard for us, I’m going to try to find someone who will take it really slow with a relationship. Be friends first
LG – I don’t think anyone “deserves” to be alone. But what we are trying to say is that we have been very hurt and continue to be very hurt. We try to understand, we forgive, we stick around, we wait around, we lose our dignity, we give wegive we give!!! ….no matter how much we give, it still happens over and over again. Wat would you do if you loved someone who kept lying, cheating, stealing, disappearing, telling you he loved you… yet none of his actions matched his words?? I guess wat we are trying to say is that we hurt just as badly, it is not JUST bipolar ppl that hurt. I have been very close to wanting to end it all on a number of occasionals –i feel so lost and betrayed, don’t know if he means things or not– so my emotions have been very high and very low at times… it is not JUST bipolar ppl that have it hard and that are in extreme pain and emotional rollercoasters. I have to live every minute of everyday at the moment, completely depressed and lost and hurt– but masking it somewhat so i can go on with life -WE HURT TOO. I just don’t know what the answers are?? I guess I just want 2 find a way 2 let ppl with bipolar realise the pain. We realise ur pain, how can we get u 2 realise ours??
Yours is an excellent post Denise. We have pain too. I truly believe that if we could all recognize the pain in others, instead of concentrating on our own pain, the world would be a better place.
Did you ever stop to think that you are the reason that your bipolar person is seeking help? Is medicated? Im 20 and I have bipolar 1 OCD add and psychosis nos, and the only damn reason that I put myself on medication, medication that changes my brain and how it works, that alters my memories, changes the very mechanics and rules of my brain, is so the people around me would stop looking at me like a monster. Yeah we have treated the people we love pretty badly, but at the same time, you who love us make us change to be suitable. No one wants to be jacked up on mind altering medication for the rest of their lives , but we do it. We do it for you.
Giovanna Fiori
Are you serious? You take those meds so we would stop looking at you “like a monster?” You do it for US? You SHOULD do it so you can function better and live your life better and treat people better. We’re sorry you’re BP. We don’t wish that on anyone, least of all someone we really care about. If you truly are taking meds for the sake of appeasing the rest of the world, I would suggest you stop. To try and flip this back to the ones who really want the best for you is not the right answer. There’s a team effort people who’ve dealt with this illness know it takes from everyone to make things better.
No, you bipolar people do not deserve to be alone. I never said that.
It’s more about everyone getting a fair chance at happiness and healthy relationships.
If you are about to get in a relationship, it is very important to be completely and brutally honest about your bipolar, and what has happened in the past, and allow that person to read up on it.
It is also your duty to take care of your health as much as possible. Don’t get into a relationship so someone can take care of your illness, manage it for you, or simply put up with it. I have read so many articles/stories about people who appear to use the relationship to depend on someone to manage their illness.
It may sound very harsh, but I actually think it is love. To show someone that you are willing to take great care of your illness as much as possible, but also that they love you back to understand the uncontrollable. That you love them enough to let them know truthfully what might be their life with you.
Anything else is selfish and lying.
For a minute, put yourself on the other end. There are many on the spousal/partner side who accept that their immense pain and suffering is the product of an illness and who understand past that pain, like Denise said. So, please understand the our side. Would you want to be with someone who could make your life like that? Not unless you had some assurances and full knowledge.
Also, understand that although we know this is not malice, rather a disease, clinical, etc. It also has ramifications that extend well beyond other conditions and disabilities. It is not living with someone who is diabetic, who had a heart attack, or even Alzheimers. It is not cancer, or being paraplegic. Those caretakers have stresses. But, take a read around and see the spouses in marraige with bipolar partners where things are not truthful, acknowledged, and you will see hurting families, people at the end of their own rope, people who have suffered mental trauma because of this, financial demise, betrayal, hurt, numbness, and literally a house of cards.
Just be fair. Be honest. Be responsible.
Rose is right.
I’ve fucked up and hurt some people in my life who have only tried to help me-because I couldn’t stop using my disease as a crutch to give me permission to be an asshole.
I am paying for that now. If I could take back so many words and actions…but I can’t and now I understand, fully, what drove someone to search for that phrase.
I do have feelings. I know that for sure now.
we have feelings i cry somtime nowing iv hurt so many poeple in the past when i was drunk it was worst only thought of me me me not mature at all mutch better now
Thank you, thordora.
I was shocked at the incredulous reaction by so many people here when they read that someone would ask that question about bipolar people.
It’s about ALL of us having self-awareness, accountability and responsibility.
That’s not too hard. That’s part of being in the human race. The rules don’t exclude you because you are bipolar. Especially not these days when you have plenty of help for it.
Many people here with bipolar (and in other places I have read) point to being very blaming, absorbed in self-pity and selfish to the point of not being able to see or admit to things they do. Maybe, this is part of the disease for some really outrageous stuff.
But, I don’t think it’s an excuse. And, I don’t think it’s an excuse for comments like LG, who instantly assumes I mean that BP people DESERVE to be alone, or that non-BP are cruel to take the option of leaving a relationship.
Is that being bipolar? Or is it just plain and simple not wanting to be considerate and selfish?
Are YOU kidding ME? You think it’s cruel to leave a relationship with someone who is very bipolar? No, I think not. If I went to any counselor (and I did), I would be considered in an abusive relationship and told to leave.
I am sorry you have this disease. But, when you get like that, hurtful and destructive….it is NOT your God-given right to have someone care for you no matter what, and to simply say ‘ooops, I’m bipolar, I’m sorry.”
Nor is it MY God-given duty to stand by the side of someone like that. I have a right to live a good life, a normal life, if I want to.
Then, it is MY responsibility to take care of me, and to wonder why I would want to stay in a relationship like that. Even the original poster stated that INTERdependent relationships are hard. So why blame us?
So, to Denise, I would ask, why is it that you feel you must endure this torture to the point of wanting to harm yourself? Do you not feel that your life is too precious to waste on someone like this? Maybe it’s not intentional, but they are sick and not taking care of it and it is destroying you.
LEAVE. Staying beyond this is YOUR fault. You know what you are dealing with. Time to make decisions.
So agree with you Rose, being in a relationship with BPD is very challenging and abusive when they don’t take their meds. Self-pity seems to be the card of choice they play when they are not getting their way anymore. Very manipulating in nature as it is all about me and my sickness. Well if you chose to not take your meds you also chose the consequences of your choice take responsibility for your actions. I am taking responsibility for mine and getting out of an abusive relationship with people who don’t take their meds and think it is acceptable to treat people any way they want due to being “Bipolar”. Find someone else to play the game not interested.
hello rose, i totally understand where u r coming from, and I agree. I have not seen him for a couple of months now. Actually, to be honest… this was not my choice. Things were perfect, then I got on a bus to go to work… and he decided to disapear from my life. I wrote to him, email, text, called etc… and hav not heard one word back. Yet he has left msgs on our mutual friends fcebook page and has even spoken on msn with this person. It s very hurtful. Especially after he had talked marriage and children, and moving in with me. I think I may have just been used for sex now, and for a good time, and for the little money I have which he borrowed. Why does he have to take it that far and talk longterm with me… thats just plain cruel. I am not a person to sit back and take crap at all usually, but I tried to be patient and made excuses, and forgave because he is bipolar. I know I will not see him for a very long time. He will pop up one day, could be years from now, as we have known each other since high school and have the same friends… however hopefully i will be strong enough to resist. It is just so hard wen u r in love and u think you have found the one. I am in so much pain at the moment. I am just slowly coming to terms with the fact that I mean nothing to him and he just used me and lied. It hurts to think that i think about him all day, and he probably never spares me a moment’s thought, and is telling other girls all the things he told me about marriage, kids and being soulmates. I am in a lot of pain, but just have to learn to live with it. I think it will take me years to get over this. I don’t fall in love easily, when I do I think it is for life, and when it ends it takes me years to get over. This is the second time I have been in love, last time lasted 6 years and the person did not have a disorder of any kind. I do not feel as though I deserve to be treated this way at all… but I just thought after reading lots of posts that maybe I should try to be more understanding and give him his space. I did everything EVERYTHING and more… yet he still disappeared and I am still nothing to him. I treid so hard to be patient and understanding, supportive… yet nothing worked. My life is precious, I work very hard at my career and work very hard on making myself and my life the best I can make it in all areas… but then I fall in love with this a-hole and it makes everything tougher. Betrayal is the worst. No matter how hard I say “no, it’s over!” there is still a part of me that keeps hoping he will return, and dreaming of a future with him, and thinking about him everyday!!! I hate it!!! Why can I just not forget about him!! He is NO good for me! And clearly, if he returns, it will just be to use me again, because me knows he can, and he knows how easily he can gain my trust and convince me of things. I just have to stay strong!! I hate this pain an yearning though. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it 🙂
I would like to reply specifically to Denise. Denise, i completely understand your situation, as i was in the exact same situation a few years ago. To this day, i am still dwelling on this past experience with a bi-polar woman i fell for. I have buried myself in research, study, and understanding this disorder as well as the socio-economic and environmental factors that contribute to this illness. From my experience, falling in love (caring) for a bi-polar person is very similar to caring for a terminally ill child. When the relationship is over, you dont experience the same feelings you would with a mentally stable partner (i.e. – rejection, incompatibility, etc). Instead you feel emphatically for this person, because no matter what you do, no matter how much you do, and no matter how much you care, There is nothing you can do to change this person (believe me, i’ve tried). The worst part is – the pain of caring for a bi-polar person stays with you, your entire life. (much like caring for a terminally ill child.) I have learned to embrace the pain.
You are left hurt in a way that is almost cosmic, (beyond this world), i.e. – “How could another human-being live this way?” (BTW – im talking Bipolar I, hyper-sexuality.)
After all the bullshit is over – I am not angry, i am not bitter, i am not sad (although still slightly damaged). I wish to God, there was a way to shake this feeling. I wish there was a price i could pay for peace of mind. I wish i was a wizard that could cure her illness with the touch of my magic wand. I wish i could build a time machine. But i cant. There’s nothing i can do. And that is the hardest part about it. – Walking away from this person was the emotionally hardest thing i have ever done..
i just read that, and it brought me to tears, all you said, is so true, i was diagnosed just over 18 months ago, and for the whole time since, i have struggled to believe that what i have IS bipolar, i was glad to put a name to what was ‘wrong’ with me, but at the same time, i didnt want it to be this……i hate the lithium, the visits to the psychiatrists, and all the symptoms, but i also love it too, cause it made me who i am!!
But for all the stuff i have read, heard, and said, this is the first thing that made me feel like someone else really REALLY has the same thoughts and feelings as i do……thanks so much……..your post has made me feel a little less alone in the world!!
I quit taking medication about 6 months ago, and have only just realised what a mistake that was, i thought i was better off without it, but i know i’m not really, so i guess its time to haul ass back to the doc and get back to treatment…..
How do I ever find help? The right doctor and the right medicine? This is such a horrible disease and such a horrible way to live. I feel like I am always hurting the ones I love and running off all my friends. What can I do?
I didn’t say much in the post I just made but trying to keep it short, I am at a cross roads as to whether I am truly bi-polar and feel certain one day that I am and the next that I am only a very strong-willed, Type A personality, possibly with ADHD??? I am in the middle of trying to find a new councellor because the one I have been seeing for 4 years doesn’t seem to have gotten me anywhere. Having gotton copies of my records when she left the practice she was in and started a new one, I just don’t see how she diagnosed me as bi-polar.
She doesn’t plan to accept insurance at her new practice and at our last visit tried to explain to me why. I am well educated as she told me but many of her patients aren’t and don’t understand the value of her time. She went on to explain “why” she didn’t want to deal with the insurance companies, such as the costs they charge her to be a member of their preferred physicians.
After reviewing these records, which really had very little information in them, they were basically a check list of things such as, MSE (anyone know what that means) with the choices for that line being Alert Confused Oriented-Alert was always indicated there
Another Line for Behavior with choices: calm cooperative guarded hostile with calm and cooperative always indicated
A line for Appearance alwas indicating that I was neat and appropriate
A line for Affect with the choices being Broad Fair Constricted Flat Expansive she always indicated Broad and Fair with a hand writtin manic thrown in once. She always seemed to see my speech as clear though sometimes rapid and pressured. My thought form, content, and perception always got a wnl (within normal limits) and My insight and judgement were always good and/or fair
She shows no lab work that was ever ordered and I was on Lamictal until recently when I had developed vertigo and nausaue problems that an ENT thought could be caused by the combination of lLamictal and Cymbalta which I had been on for at least a year. From what I’ve read since, she should have been testing my blood during this time for it’s lamotogene level and didn’t.
My husband and I decided that I needed to talk to my Family Doctor and I have written him a 2 and 0ne-half page letter voicing our concerns about my treatment. I can’t put my hand on her card right now but she is not a doctor but some type of counsellor and she can perscribe meds with out another signature. I find it strange that when the ENT said that the cymbalta and lamictal could be causing my vertigo that she “only then” ordered a blood test be done to check my lamotrogine level but by the time I could get into the doctor to check it it was all out of my system.
Now I’m just putting along.
I can offer a bit of a double perspective; my mother was schizophrenic and bipolar, and I am myself bipolar and a recovering addict. I know what it is like to struggle with demons that most people can’t imagine, I know about the terror of not knowing what is wrong with you or what to expect, the desperation of watching your life fall apart and the indescribable pain of being in the very depths of a suicidal depression.
To act like a fool in public. To burst into tears at how beautiful a drop of water is and how suddenly connected I was to the whole world. To feel not a whit of grief at the death of the grandmother who raised me.
I also know what it is like to grow up in a world made forever unstable by mental illness, where nothing was under anyone’s control and nothing in life was ever safe. To have my mother scream obscenities at me for thinking bad thoughts about her. To have her put us through hell for days and then swing into a manic mood, expecting us all to be caught up in it and getting angry when we were still too busy trying to recover. To never, ever be able to enjoy even the most exciting occasions if my mother was present, because I knew that at any time she could — and usually did — have a bad episode and it would all end in screaming and arguments and sometimes worse. To have it take such a toll on your father that you have vivid memories of him snapping and holding a kitchen knife over his stomach, screaming at her whether she wanted him to just stick it in. To never develop good social skills because your only role models are terrible and you don’t get too close to other kids because you don’t want them finding out.
To have the guilt of knowing all too personally the hell that the person is going through, and still not being strong enough to be able to stand by them and support them. The guilt of knowing it is not their fault that they do what they do, and of knowing that they don’t understand why you are acting the way you are, but to be too wounded by what they do that you can’t do anything but cut yourself off from them completely. To know that you are just like them.
It is a horrible, ugly thing, but we are all only human and there’s a point where mental illness can wear a person down so badly that despite their best intentions, for their own safety they have to get away. Knowing how badly it will wound the person they love, for reasons beyond their control, and worse, very likely beyond their ability to ever change or comprehend.
I want to add to that, that I think a big problem is what someone above has already covered; SUPPORT FOR THE FAMILIES. We have a public health group over here called the Schizophrenia Fellowship that does exactly that; it deals solely with people dealing with schizophrenics, not with schizophrenics themselves (except in joint sessions if requested, with the focus as much on the family member).
I strongly believe that more solid support like that for both the ill person and the people around them, as well as better education to the general public, would make an immense difference in bipolars being able to have healthy relationships. It’s no secret that the mental health systems are overworked and underfunded, or that it can be extremely hard to find the right medication, even if you WANT it. A horrifying number of mentally ill just wind up in jail over and over because they didn’t get proper care and it’s easier to just throw them away as soon as there’s an excuse to.
It’s an ugly situation right now, but change is being made; slowly, too slowly, but we are certainly improving understanding of and treatment of mental illnesses.
I have myself been on a rollercoaster ride for the last two years.I love my boyfriend with all my heart and he can give me so much love and affection back its overwhelming!But every 5 months or there abouts the cycle begins again,he says i dont make him happy and nothing makes him happy,his behaviour changes and he becomes obsessive about cleaning.He shuts me out completely and goes into his own world.
I am 23weeks pregnant now and he was so happy about the baby,he told the world he was going to be a daddy.The when i was 18 weeks pregnant it started.The distance,staying out all night getting drunk and among other things he had an anger that i cant explain towards me.He told me hes ‘not in love with me’ and that were over for good,this is the third time its happened now at least.I still go to pieces every time though.He said he wants the baby but he doesnt want me,so i moved back with my mum.In following rows he told me im just jealous because he loves the baby more than he loves me,he told everyone im too controlling and that hes never coming back.I try to get him help and he tells me im calling him mental.
He said he would come to the babys apts but he was continually abusive so now he has cut all contact with me altogether,he says he ‘doesnt want to hear a word out of me til i go into labour’ i know i havent done anything but its awful being pregnant and feeling so alone. I am strong enough to love him and cope with the mood swings and i have no doubt he will be back before the baby is born i just wish he could see what he is doing and i wish i knew why he leaves?Does anyone here who is bipolar understand why this has happened?this site is brilliant and im so glad i found it
Sarah my dear, my heart goes out to you, you poor sweetheart, I just want to give u a big hug, xoxo. You are very strong, and you seem to be understanding the disease somewhat, the fact that you know he will come back, and the fact that you know that he does not mean this. My bf at the mo is bipolar, and believe it or not the one before him as well?? lol Weird?? haha. I did certainly not go looking for it, but it just happened that way. The first guy had no clue there was anything wrong with him and was completely out of control. He talked of marriage and kids in the next year…. then disappeared from my life one day without a word. Never replied to any texts, calls or emails…. yet still leaves messages on a mutual friends facebook wall… still ignores me as if I never existed. I was so in love, knew him since high school, so dead and numb inside, felt so used. Last time I saw him he was kissing me on the lips saying he loved me, then saying that he would see me later… I got on the bus to go to work, then never saw him again!! I think he got overwhelmed by his feelings for me… so he ditched me. A couple of bipolar ppl have told me (or I have read in posts) that they often ditch ppl before they get ditched. Because they are so paranoid, they always think that the other person is going to hurt them and not want them, especially because they are bipolar. My current bf has it somewhat under control, is aware of his condition, and warned me about it. When he goes into cycles, he explains to me what is going on usually since he knows I have read up on bipolar and understand it somewhat. Sometimes when he is mean to me, he tells me that he can’t help it, he feels like he has to be before I am mean to him, he often tells me that I am mean…. even tho I am not!! He has a lot of paranoia that I am always being unkind and controlling. I am sooooo controlling aparently! I think I can be a little… but he takes it to the next level. I just don’t want him smoking weed all the time!! He has tried every kind of medication out there, and says he cannot take it because it turns him into a zombie with no feeling to the point where he has no personality and even dribbles. Pot just brings him to the right level, and helps him not to get angry or too sad, bc he thinks less. The come down is not good though, and he knows this. I am getting him to try some herbal stuff soon. Anyways…. At the moment he decided that we needed time apart and has not been calling or texting like he used to. In fact if I did not call or text, he probably wouldn’t either. I think he is in a bit of a downer, but I know he is making an effort to sometimes pick up and sometimes text back. Only he is not loving as he usually is… he is short, cold. Seems not interested in talking to me. He warned me of this… so I guess even tho I am a little hurt, I know that he will be back to the loving guy he was again soon. My ex on the other hand because he was not diagnosed, and because he did not know how to deal with his cycles…. he would just go missing all the time and NEVER call or NEVER email/text. I think that what I am noticing wen I look at both relationships and guys is that if you can have an open and honest conversation about their moods (when they are in a good mood), then wen they are in a bad mood you will understand more bc they will have explained to you, and you might even be able to talk to them about it a bit while they are going thru it. They might feel safer being able to talk about it while it is happening if they know that they have already discussed it with you before. I am no expert and everyone is different… but this is what I am noticing. AND they must know they have “bipolar”…. if they don’t then you can def not talk about it with them. Talking is the best. Think of a time in your life that you have been in a really really bad angry mood bc someone did something to you or bc of a fight?? Think about how you felt right afterwards, still angry for a while afterwards…. still on fire, adrenaline still rushing, unable to talk to the person, needing to get away, unable to snap out of it and be happy for a little while….etc etc. Well, this is how they feel, but with the smallest things, and it lasts longer for them. For us it might last minutes or hours, and for some ppl with bipolar it can last weeks, maybe months. They want to get out of the bad angry or sad mood, but they can’t no matter how hard they try. They know it is messing things up, they know its not good but they can’t help it. After a big fight with someone when you give them the silent treatment for example, and they are saying sorry and maybe trying to cheer you up… and you just can’t snap out of it?? Well, that is the same for them…. just way longer. Because they get paranoid very easily over non existent things to us, you just can’t know what will trigger them off. That is why the more you talk about it wen they are in their happy cycle, then the more you will know what to do and not do when they are down and angry at the world and you. Not that any of this will def help…. but it might…. anythin is worth a try. This is just wat I am experiencing at the mo, a little insight. Your boyfriend has probably been gone for longer this time bc while he is by himself and not around ppl he can stay in that down cycle. Wen you are around ppls it is easier to get out of it/snap out of it eventually, especially if you are around acquaintances/friends, not best friends or family. Also, the more he is alone, the more he has time to think and get paranoid, and come up with crazy ideas that he thinks you might be doing to him, especially by having his baby…. but he means none of them. Next time he comes back (since he has been gone for a while) he might be in his happy mood. So talk to him when he is in this state, tell him it hurt and you just want to understand what you should or should not do, and how you can or cannot help him. Ask what is going on in his head when this happens… happy cycle and angry/sad cycle. I wish I could do more. Stay strong. You have a little bundle of joy on the way 🙂 It is prob a good idea that you stay at your mum’s place because if you are around him while he is angry/sad, he will bring you down into an extreme depression which you do not need, esp while pregnant. I understand that you must be going crazy at the moment just waiting around to see what happens, unable to see him, speak to him. Just know he will be back and happy soon, and then you can try and talk with him. I wish you all the best dear. Please keep me posted. The site is always here for support during those difficult times 🙂
I have avoided contact with him for a few days now and friends have noticed his mood is subdued,hes not as manic as he was.He has lost weight and although he is still drinking something seems to have changed.I am still keeping my distance however as suddenly the abusive text messages have stopped,he sent me two messages regarding my mail and i have ignored them.I want to make sure i dont trigger him again.If he wants me back he knows where i am and at the moment although he still wants full involvement with the baby he has gone dead quiet,nothing for 5 days now.I am still devastated as the last conversation we had he told me he didnt want me and to get over it but i have brushed it off,ive heard it all before.One thing that has startled me though is a message he put on his facebook profile on thursday(facebook is a socil networking site)a friend sent me it to have a look at as he has closed hi profile off to me in the last few days.In his ‘about me’ section it read:
‘I’m probably the biggest contradiction you’ll ever meet – I have huge double-standards, I drink and party with my friends far too much, I’m selfish and I like things done my way. But for a good reason – I’ve tried every other way and it doesn’t work!When someone you love needs you, nothing else should even be capable of getting in the way. I can be a cold-hearted bastard but still love you more than life. That’s just me.’
It is about our situation clearly but such an odd thing to write.He has left me pregnant and offered no support when i came to him and asked for it,and all i asked him to do is to slowdown his social life. Can anyone understand it from a bipolars point of view??
Hey Denise
I am so sorry for us. Everything you wrote is exactly what I just went through. I didn’t get a chance to really fall for him, but it was headed that way. We lived 8hrs away, but saw each other every two week. This went on for four months. He said I was the most important thing to him. He wanted us to be together, sent me presents and beautiful cards every week, and we were on the phone all throughout the day for hours at night too, until we could see each other. He even put his home up for sale to move here to the south. He told his friends he was in love and was getting married (hadn’t told me yet-he was saving that to tell me in person the next time we saw each other).
Everything was fine, he did tell me two months into the relationship that is was bipolar and was on seraquell. He had said he had even agreed to be filmed in his mania to get the meds which were 1200.00 a month with no insurance. I didn’t bother to learn about Bi-Polar because in my naiveness, I thought a pill would take care of everything.
In early september, he told me he had stopped taking his meds for a few days because they make him tired. That may have caused the depressive state to kick in because literally in 2 days I was dealing with someone I didn’t know. Suddenly, he had no interest in coming to visit or even me coming up there. Said he had to make it through the day first before he could think about that. He complained of being very tired and fatigued, and he lost track of time during the day. (He owns his own business (landscaping) so he isn’t under the confines of a 9-5 job and could at least get to work and do what he had to do).
He became very inconsistent calling me. No more texts, and where we talked 4-5 times a day, he barely called me at all and when he did it is as you said, very cold and distant. Plus everything I said seemed to agitate him. If I asked him was he okay and are we okay, he didn’t want to talk about it and said “he couldn’t care about anybody until he could care about himself.” But yet would tell me everything is fine, just hang in there. I have been depressed sometimes too….what I don’t understand is what makes a bipolar person turn on people close to them like this?
Within about 10 days, he had started to disappear for a day at a time and not call at all or call me very late. When we did talk he wasn’t loving at all or affectionate like he was everyday for the first four months. It seemed as you said….that he was making an effort to stay in touch but thats about it.
I tried to be supportive as he had told me some about what happens to him. I saw him manic but didn’t understand. After he drove 8hrs one time to see me, when he got out of his car he started bouncing up and down like a pogo stick, like 15 times. I had to make him stop because that kind of flipped me out. He also was very abrasive to my friends that he met. Scared them at first but then his charming side won them over.
The decision I made to break up with him happened after almost 3 weeks of this. We talked and he was very detached from me it seemed. He said “that us talking on the phone” didn’t mean that much to him. Before he had said that we were closer on the phone than 2 people sitting in the same room. He also said that I had not been on his mind alot. And I am the one that is getting “tighter” in the relationship than him and he needed to start being cautious….This was literally 10 days after he bought me a ring and told his best friend about it (who is my friend too).
Anyways I made the decision after a month of dealing with this to walk away for my own sanity. I tried to understand. I’m fine but it hurts because I miss the good side of him.
He did send me a few snippy texts, and a couple nice ones plus 2 calls that didn’t leave a message, but I haven’t returned any. I guess I wanted to give him some time to come out of this. I am a little remorseful today, its been 6 weeks and I’ve heard no more from him. Sad and glad but will survive.
I guess I just want to understand. I don’t talk to his friend about this as I don’t want to put him in the middle. Last time I saw his friend 2 weeks ago we chatted and it was never mentioned. I talked to his friend yesterday finally as even he wanted to know what happened because my ex hasn’t even talked to him about it. So I told him why I deciced to leave and he understood and would never have set us up if he knew what was really going on with the guy I was with. Seems like my ex-b wasn’t even honest with his best friend about the Bi-Polar. They all knew he would get depressed from time to time but thats it.
Thanks for reading everyone, I am so happy to have found y”all and this site. If anyone has any words of encouragement or insight from someone who is bipolar and understands my situation I would greatly appreciate it as it may help me to have some closure.
Hang in there Denise and God bless you and your baby Sarah. I will keep everyone in my prayers. We will be fine.
Take care….Mely
Wow, reading everything is so incredible. My fiance and I have lived with my bipolar I disorder for 7 years. Like many other sufferers it took many confusing years to figure out what was wrong.
The disorder is progressive and I hit bottom a few years ago. My concern is that maybe some of the sufferers mentioned are dealing with mixed disorders or are just selfish people. While I’ll admit I could be horribly selfish, with my disorder, I sought the help I needed to save our relationship.
Fortunately my fiance stuck through it with me because I was wrongly diagnosed with major depression first. I’m sure some of you know what can happen to a bipolar person if they are just given depression medication…..it turned me into a true monster. I had to drink every day just to handle the anxiety. It was the strangest feeling…like being both manic and depressed at the same time! I lied about the drinking, all the time, because I was so ashamed and scared. I actually felt like I was truly going insane, depersonalizing all the time, like I wasn’t even inside my body.
I finally changed psychiatrists and got things straight. I am now taking Lamictal, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin. In the beginning I was taking the highest doses. I have cut way back but will never stop taking the meds. There is no cure. It is an awful disease for everyone involved. It sounds harsh, but I told my fiance he had a choice to stay or to go. He chose to ride the storm. Thank God that he saw the person behind the disorder. I have been stable for 3 years and will be marrying the man of my dreams in May!
Annie..that is wonderful! Im so happy for you. I wish my story could be the same. I was wondering if you dealt with the depressive side at some point in your life. What is it like? Did you close people off? What does is mean when bipolar folks say they are selfish?
What causes the changes from caring for someone to dis-interest in them totally? Sorry Im asking so many questions. I was doing fine for the first month after I broke up with him. Guess I was a little angry, but now Im started to miss him, only I miss the man that I knew as normal and who deeply cared about me which was the first 4 months of our relationship. Only in the last 3-4 weeks did I deal with his depressive side which took over him in about 2 days. It hurt to have him become so detached and cold to me. Plus him starting to avoid and delay calling and coming to see me. That is why I had to walk away. It just hurt me too much to be treated this way. Especially because at first I thought he had found someone new. But he is not with anyone at all I hear.
One more question…what happens to the mind when he gets back to normal? Or his hypomania? Will his feelings return for the way he was a few months ago? Do some bipolar folks kind of pick up where they left off and their old feelings return, or do they just move on to a new stage in their life and not think about us anymore.
I would appreciate any help anyone could give me on this…especially from someone who is dealing with bipolar themselves.
Thanks again everyone…..Take care, Mely
I just found this site after having a re-connection to an old friend who I have loved and cared for since my younger days. He mentioned that he was bipolar and though I only read a little, I should have investigated further because now my feelings match so many of the stories above. I wish so much that I had delved into all of this because all of your testimonials have given me so much insight and validation for what I am now going through. I have never been so hurt by someone in such a short time.
When we first reconnected–he found me on the internet—he was in an angry and depressed phase….he is brilliant, so intelligent, but had incredibly low self-esteem, self hatred….Yet, was also self-centered, unaware of my needs. I helped him through an enormously stressful time being incredibly supportive….and felt in a way, that I got sucked into his mini highs and lows….thinking it was all due to the stress in his personal life with family and demanding mother.
Not linking any BP to his behavior….due to total ignorance on my part, I really took him seriously in everything he said. He was so loving and vulnerable….though I was hurt when I discovered something that he kept from me, and that precipitated my confronting all the little things that we do when new to someone….allowing for learning about them and being open and accepting. I won’t go into the details, but when I confronted him again with more questions about how his behavior had hurt me—he turned on me in a flash. Like many of you here, he was SO cold and dismissive and even after I apologized profusely when seeing that I did maybe say some things which were too blunt…..he never acknowledged his part in everything.
He has now reduced me to the “masses” of his cyber life….which I understand now is an easy way for them to hook up and get reassurances. He is now seemingly manic to me—his writing gets more cryptic, jokey and slightly erratic. From what I have read, this “on top of the world” feeling makes them think everything is so great and easy. He does not need me now and like many, I feel used.
I still have a deep love for this person, held precious for decades….I have felt so hurt and rejected by the things said to me, in the coldest manner, that somehow I feel maybe that to leave any hope of reconnecting with him I need to remind myself how cruel he was. The ironic thing is that he said I was a violent person and I am not in the least violent. My honesty with him, though blunt (because I thought he was strong) was seen as venom. He couldn’t even see that I cared so much for him and had so much faith in that he could face his fears—and that I was here. It is hard to see someone you love suffer.
I know my experience doesn’t match the level of a lot of you, but I guess it is the same loss I feel. I only wish I had found this topic to research earlier as though it might not have altered the inevitable, I might’ve had a chance to grow a bit more with this person.
I don’t know what I would do if he resumes contact–as now I have more to understand about him. It is kind of sad to hear many speak of the self-centerdness, narcissism and lack of acknowledgement…but I experienced all of this and addressed it to no avail. It’s sad because we ALL need to be loved and appreciated for WHO we are, not what we do–loving them. And interestingly, he talked all the time about “what you do” not say….and yet…..
thanks for sharing all of your heartaches….so much in this world.
Just another thing–I wrote in because I was very interested in what Mely wrote above. I too would like to know if someone who is BP or who can answer in the know—about her questions regarding how someone w/BP can be so dismissive and cold….and do they return to other contrary feelings when they are more even keel?
It would interest me very much in how they perceive the world as I’ve been reading that there is a paranoia, or fear of rejection, etc. etc.
My guy was fairly cognizant….stated–I will not get into a relationship because I don’t want to mess up someone else’s life. Breaking hearts is not the same, I guess.
in response to do they come back….well yes they do and its almost as though everything is forgotten and never even happened!my ex has been back 5times and he told me he hated me two of them.Another time i went up to talk to him and ended up back together and getting a takeaway like nothing happened!!!This time is different as im pregnant,friday night i had a nasty text message because i was out somewhere he didnt approve of, and believe me it was poison!I heard nothing all weekend and the today i got this message…..
Hey
Thanks for sending this through, really appreciate it.
I just want to say sorry for what I sent you on Friday night. I heard you were in venue and I was furious, after all we’d both said I just couldn’t understand why you would go somewhere like that. But it was still not a nice thing to say and I’m sorry. I still can’t agree with you going places like that when you’re 6 months pregnant, but there’s clearly no point telling you as you’re going to do what you want, regardless of whether it’s a good idea or not. If that’s you being stubborn and wanting to ‘win’, then well done, you have. I can’t see what you could have possibly ‘won’ from it, but that’s just my opinion.
Do you think we will be able to meet up and talk at any time? I would really like to feel her move, and there’s still lots for us to sort out for her. I think we should draw up a list of all the things we’ll need for her and then I can plan out what stuff to get and when best to get it. And we can talk about names a bit more if you want.
Let me know what you think.
This is totally dismissive of my feelings but at the same time apologetic and careful!No longer angry selfish and arrogant!In a few more weeks he will be like himself again and i will be left to deal with the hurt of the episode.I just wish he would see what he is doing.They doo come back but if you want a loving stable relationship it is almost impossible as there is no cure.I love him and i will always be there for him in any form no matter what but please be prepared for a rollercoaster ride,especially if they are unmedicated
a further update on my situation,i told him reluctantly that i would try to get him involved with the baby and his reply was very hostile as if he had taken offense that i was so negative!I phoned him and he has clearly reached his angry depressed stage,i fought with him for half an hour!I told him it feels like i mean nothing to him and that if it was my life or the babys life in the labour room he would choose her without a thought!I also told him he was cold,distant and nasty and that he would rather comfort a stranger than support me!By the end of the conversation we finally arranged to meet this wednesday and discuss the baby…..but no more.Then something significant happened,he told me he finds it hard to show emotion to many people and most of all to me,he would find it easy to comfort a stranger but almost impossible with me because they are not a threat to him.I asked him how i was a threat and he said you can hurt me they cant.I tried to get off the phone and he said just one more thing just for the record if you and the baby were at stake i would save you every time.I cried my eyes out and told him how much that meant to me.We are now meeting wednesday and i think he is finally out of his manic phase and into the depression,he told me hes been off of cocaine for 2 weeks now and i told him how proud i am of him.Not sure if he will come back to me again but i hope so.
“Suddenly, I see all my wrongs, and I’m pentient, and unaware of how to fix it.”
Ditto. This thing…sucks.
wow…….. i don’t even know where to start. i wish i would of known all the things that i just read. i was just in a relationship for two years, and let me tell you it was a ROLLERCOASTER! i have been hit many times and kicked out of the apartment several times as well. the feelings of…she really don’t care about me, i am never good enough for her, when is the next episode gonna take place, and constant blame on me for things that were not happening. The word LOVE is an understatement for the ways i truely felt about her but it all became to much and didn’t know how to deal with it all anymore and it was ruining our relationship. The biggest factor is that she hasn’t even seen a doctor at all before knowing me or while i was with her, and the real truth is….she is bipolar. This all does make my heart hurt because of the real and true feelings that i had for her. But all of these episodes destroyed our relationship. I was always there for her no matter the situation and every time i kicked out or punched i was always there the next day right beside her. and always wonder to myself is she really this heartless to not even say sorry for the way she acted the previous day…. When the worst episodes accured she was usually had been drinking that night. And anybody out there that know’s anything about bipolar disease will tell you that alcohol is NOT a good mix. Because those nights ended in very bad ways and no matter what i ever tried to do to calm her down to JUST talk always made things worse. another time….. i was diagnosed with diabetes myself out of NO WHERE and does NOT run in my family…anyway the day i was released from the hospital i was kicked out of the house and my insulin and needles right beside me! i thought she is really just crazy as i was gathering my stuff and crying myself as i have had a lot to deal with myself as i was only out of the hospital after being diagnosed for maybe 7 or 8 hours….once again i thought to myself is she really that heartless? …… And if we would go out for a night….I would always be accused of staring at other girls or her friends which was FAR from the truth….but no matter my opinion or explaining that i am not doing that it most always lead to a very intense situation! But all in all i really did think this girl was goin’ to be my future wife and never did anything to ever hurt her in anyway and always there for her no matter what might of happened the night before. But now i am single and my heart does hurt, i just couldn’t do it anymore and NOTHING ever changed. i guess i wish i would known more info but in my opinion if you are dealing with someone who is bipolar and they have NOT been diagnosed or even willing to sit down with a counslor and just talk it is a battle that i myself could not ever win and truely help her. she is a good person when and if she will allow you too see her heart. but all that i have been through, i got to my own break point and couldn’t do it anymore. and yes i sit here and feel like shit because she really is sick and does need some major help. but the feelings of never being good enough for her and the episodes were truely tearing my own heart up and i did think she was heartless sometimes. and yes i do know she really did love me and care and knowing what i know now she just don’t know how to show her affection and true emotions. i did lose someone i loved very deeply and can only hope she will take it upon herself and get the medical help she needs. Being diabetic myself allows me understand all of this a lot better. I wish something would of been done before everything got ruined because when i decided that i couldn’t take it all anymore and my own stress levels were way too high you can only imagine the extremes she has went to, to get me back in her life…which some where not good at all and not some things you do to get back someone you love but as i just found out the disease called bipolar can do many things when not treated. i will always love her though! and she might not ever see it that way. which really does suck for both of us!
I’ve opened forums-please, feel free to take the conversations to
http://spinmeipulsate.77forum.com/bipolar-f3/
Makes answers, shoulders and help a little easier to give.
okydoky….true there is no cure, for this disease, but some of us take personal responsibility to get the help we need to become “stable” people. When I went through the depressive moments (ha…moment meant an entire year once). I did my best not to close people off. There is no way to explain how this type of depression turns the actual visible world darker and you can physically feel it pulling your face into a frown. You swing between feeling completely numb to tortured for no particular reason. We sometimes actually shut people out because we feel guilty and don’t want others to suffer with us. Yes bipolar disorder can be a selfish disease but it can be very debilitating and selfish for the person suffering as well as those surrounding. Some people will go through their mood swings and then return to the ones they have hurt. It truly depends on how we actually feel about someone in our lives. While we have a disease we also have dreams of love and forever after. If we don’t come back it’s not necessarily because we are sick but because the relationship just isn’t right. Everyone has a right to stay in or leave a relationship. I was always forward with my fiance. I let him know he had a choice. It’s not an easy disease but he stayed with me. He also realizes that he’s not perfect and hasn’t always been the most wonderfully thoughtful person. Maybe that’s why we work. We both admit having our pluses and minuses. But, as I mentioned, in my last note, I have been stable for three years now. Yes, I can overreact sometimes and may not be able to deal with stress all the time. But, it is possible to have a “normal” life if there is such a thing.
I’m sitting here about to cry after reading you post. I’m pretty sure my guy friend (almost boyfriend) is bipolar and is too scared to tell me. We haven’t talked in a few days after over a month of perfectness. I’ve known him for a year and it has crossed my mind a few times that he might be. Now.. well i think he is and i’m very sad. I want to be in an interdependant relationship with him but maybe that just isn’t going to happen. I know that he doesnt want to hurt me. But this does. :[
I was involved in a love relationship with a man, who was the most wonderful, attentive, caring human being for four months. He told me he loved me. He called me every day, two or three times a day. He called me his special girl. He gave me his gold chain at Christmas and put it on me, to keep it over my heart.
Then on New Year’s Day, over a jealousy issue on my part, because he had a drunk woman sleeping on his couch, for the night, he decided to cut me out of his life in the most horrendous way. He called the police and threatened to have me arrested if I ever returned to his home.
He had told me that he had been taking lithium for depression and had had electroconvulsive therapy, but I didn’t know it could have been bipolar disorder.
From the drastic change, from loving to just mean and hateful that he displayed and to the trauma of having the police called to keep me away, do you think it sounds like bipolar? Do you think he feels badly now? Do you think he might ever call me again? In spite of it all, I am still in love with the nice part of him, the one who was loving and kind for four months.
Please help me by replying,
Josie
I forgot to ask, do you think that any man in a normal state of mind would be capable of doing such a thing to a girl they love or even to a friend?
Do you know anyone to whom something like this has happened?
It has left me totally traumatized. I keep on having flashbacks about it and my self esteem has suffered terribly.
I had to take time off work and have been recuperating from a very depressed state. I felt as if I am not meant to be loved or respected. After all the one I loved the most treated me so cruelly and never called me again. It has been two months now and I still haven’t heard from him. I know he doesn’t have anyone else. Does it sound as if he might be going through mania or depression? If so, he still is hanging out at the same pub as he did before. If he was ill how could he still cope in that regard?
Josie
I just want to say a big thank you every body in these forums.
thank you for the people with bipolar and allowing people to see how you think, how you feel, how you realise.
thank you to the people (like me) who have/are been in a relationship and sharing your feelings.
i have been very flustered recently with everything that is happening to me and my kids, and it is great that i can finally get some real perspective on the condition (i don’t like to think of it as a disease) and what Lisa is going through at the moment.
my real regret is that i could not find this out earlier as now it is too late for me to be of any help to Lisa as it has got so bad that for my safety i can no longer be on the estate where she lives
so once again
thank you all
you are all heroes
Wow. Do we really have feelings? Does anyone have stronger feelings?
I’m often baffled by the lack of empathy not only by laypersons but by therapists themselves.
But, you couldn’t have answered this question any better.
When my heart is breaking I literally feel like I am being stabbed or shattering from the inside out. It could be a simple comment taken the wrong way or as serious as the evening news. When I am happy I am very happy. I am no longer manic. But my moods still shift a little.
Yes, I am properly medicated. I too refuse to be numbed. My Psych Doc is not a proponent of numbing people either.
If I could define Bipolar Disorder in two words they would be: “I FEEL”.
The question is legit from a partners point of view. We long to be recognized, we too long to be loved. Depending on the level and the intensity of the illness, we too are lost. How do I REALLY help?. How do I REALLY connect?. We long for there true feelings because they are in manys our batteries. One I love you recharges us. One intimate gesture gives us hope. Selfishness on our part? Hell yes,but we rationalize it by saying see what I do, see my love.
My trainwrecks and horror stories are similiar to many post. Not knowing what I was dealing with for 20 yrs until it was too late was a real slap in the face.
It takes a special person to stay in what at times seems like a one way relationship. To give and expect or hope for nothing doesn’t make sense to many.. We hope those brief flashes of happiness could fill our life more.
She told me she loves me and we made all kinds of plans of how we were going to live for the rest of our lives toghether. We shared the most intimate details and our deepest feelings. We were going to live life like a wonderful dream. Then she told me she will throw me out when I am sixty. That we really have nothing in common except hot sex. that we come from two diffrent worlds. she told me she hates me and never wants to see me again. with in two hrs she unfriended me on fb and replaced her picture with a laughing and the most spiteful looking picture I have ever seen. She looks like she is stairing strait at me and telling me with her eyes how much she hates me and is glad to be rid of me. Maybe the people with bipolar do not have it as bad as we think. They can walk into your hear telling you stories of abuse and what a perfect wife and mother they are.. Turn around and rip your heart out. Go out with her friends and screw the first guy she meets. And not even feel one tiny bit of guilt or remorse. The more I think about it the more I feel she had intentionally told me all the nice things just so it would hurt more when she trashed me. Maybe this time she will not come back. Maybe this time she knew what she was doing and does this often. Am I feeling resentful and used? Your god damn right I am.. Do I still love her? you damn well better believe I do.. But the feeling is going away now. She may come back before its gone.. But I dont know
Do they know what love truly is? Are they willing to learn to love someone as much if not more then they love themself? Is the manic high they are on worth everything in the world to them? I have no idea what part of her I am even seeing…. if shes depressed why go out and have sex with people she does not even know? And if she is manic why is she not happy to be in this state with me? Sad she runs away and screws people?… manic she comes to me for sex? I have no idea what is going on… Will I allow her to destroy me? I hope not..But I dont know that ether.
Robert,
Sure wish somebody could enlighten us on the promiscuity side of the illness and why there is such a disconnect to realizing the damage their doing. Heard that story many, many times and for partners who are faithfull, it’s often a relationship breaker and rightly so. IS that their intent?
To me the thought of another man being intimate with my girl kills me. I have never cought her because i never looked. Afraid of what I will find and how I will react. But when she takes off the way she does and with the certain friend of hers and this amount of spitefulness in her I am sure that is whats going on.
Brace yourself for the reality. That is what is going on I am sorry to say. Why, I sure wish I knew or could possibly understand myself. It’s on a level I’m definetly not familiar with.
Thank you for the question. It is one that I have asked myself many times and it is good to see it in print. Selfishness does seem to be an issue in, not just bipolar but, all types of mental illness.
One person I know (only one person, mind you!) got his life together without drugs when he accepted that his reaction to simple things were way out of proportion to normal. He worked with me to explore why he felt such intense emotion over anyone/anything that he felt was against him. We explored fear and its roots and I gently coaxed him into all the situations that produced fear. I got him to understand that others were worthy of consideration and to think of them first before having a reaction. He has been well and normal for eight years. Sometimes I remind him of how things were and he finds it hard to believe that he was actually paralyzed with fear and selfishness for thirty odd years of his life.
If a person can find the courage to face themselves and their actions change is possible. But that is the hardest thing any one of us can do… see ourselves. Jesus said to take the log out of our own eye before removing the speck from the eye of another. Bobbie Burns said, “Would that God the gift he gie us to see ourselves as others see us?” It is not easy but it can be done in some circumstances.
Please don’t think I am making light of mental illness. I am trying to find ways to restore peace to people who suffer far too much.
Very well put. Dear close friend is struggling with BP and a handful of other Mental Health issues. Self reflection is one of the keys to getting well. She’s 27 but has stories very few 100 year old persons would have experienced in their lifetime. What she does in a wk of cycling would take me a month and when their not healthy choices, I’m sure the internal pain and struggle is felt 4 times more then the way I am able to deal with difficult times. I’m learning the hard way while we need all the help we can get, social services is strectched past capacity to deal with what is out there at times. BP patients sleeping on floors, SS staff telling me they can longer do there REAL job. Stabilize em, medicate em and get them out the door, there is long line at the front. This may possibly be a hidden epidemic, I’m told diagnosed 10yrs ago as just depression, no real meds except lithium, ritulin, etc, etc. BP flips your family like a pancake everyday. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
@Mark
There doesn’t seem to be much help… you are right. It is a revolving door as the cycles keep repeating. Is anyone out there exploring the lack of empathy and a way to restore it? It seems to me that the emphasis has been placed on masking the symptoms, rather than finding ways to address them.
My heart bleeds for my family member who is oblivious to anything but his own desires. I can help strangers but can’t begin to get through to my own.
If I were a conspiracy theorist, I think I could run with the water being poisoned angle as why people are getting BP. Some of the facilities I’ve seen in the last 2 months were a joke, the doctors a joke. Makes me want to go open my own pysch clinic. There hs to be BIG bucks in helping folks with this condition. Give em a placebo, charge em 5k for meds, listen to them for a few hrs, charge em 5k for Therapy, put em to bed, charge 2k for housing and tell em in the am. Your fine, we all got problems.
One of the destructive sides of all this we’re wrestling now with are the delusions. How in the world am I able to help someone when I cannot for the life of me figure out what is going on. Some places due to privacy and being 27 tell us, hey she’s getting the help she asked for, let us do our job. Yeah right. You can’t even remember her name. Let alone the fact that your getting played like a violin and don’t care. One doc in the last wk gave it to us straight. Your on your own out there now. You better become a master researcher and solve your own problems. I up for a no med period seriously. Can’t be any worse then what I’m going thru on this spin cycle.
Online support group I’m starting. Feel free to email me at ISingapore1@aol.com.
Mark, I sent you an email.
Feel free to email me if you want to discuss the no med angle.
? doubts about bipolar people?
Rivera,
Can you explain your doubts?
Thanks…
Hi everyone… We all all ine= the same mix… So mamy people with BP its a wonder its not more talked about oin the main streem media.. Everyone involved going through the same stuff.. After spending months bobbing and weaving my way around I gave up but still feel the strong emotions by my xgf.. The more I learned the harder it got to keep myself in the race..I would guess if my standing in life with her was a deck of cards Id be folded somewhere very near the bottom or tossed from the deck.. 😦 But I am learning to understand her and then I dont feel so bad.. In the time I was with her and doing all this research I think I added some BP traits to myself.. I notice I still am on the roller coaster even months after shes gone.. Thanks for letting me babble…
Hi Audre…
Hey Robert,
How are you?
Im fine Audre how are you? .. The other email string (why do bipolar push people away) is so large my computer was having trouble sending my post.. I told a few of the people there to come to this one… You have always been a great help.. Going for a ride with my brother I will look for you on here soon ok.
There is a lot of activity and that slows things down on the blog. Why don’t we start a Yahoo group?
I think most of the people on here like the open forum.. this string is good I left a note on the other one to come here. maybe it will pick up.. How have you been doing?
Hi Robert,
Not very well. My BP came back in my life last year in October. We ran into each other at the drugstore. It was as if nothing had ever happened. He was nice to me. I called him and we picked up from where we left off before he had called the police on me the year before. I couldn’t believe it. It was my dream come true to have him back. He had no recall of the horrible night he sent me away or calling the cops or anything. All he said was that the relationship was beginning to feel like a sponge that would have swallowed him up, so he had to get away I guess.Funny because he was the one calling me all the time, not the other way around. Well, after eight months of rekindling our relationship, although he was more distant this time/ wanted to be friends/ although signed his emails with ‘love’ and called me to say he had always loved me…. now he is gone again… won’t answer any of my calls or emails… stone cold gone. I don’t know if he just isn’t into me or if he is truly bipolar. If anyone can answer this please let me know. I wait every day for a sign that he will be back.
Hi Josie
Its not your fault and there is almost no way to avoid it when we fall in love with someone who has BP.. They endear us to them.. First we know they have it.its always brought up even if its a quick my Dr says thing and then dropped second when we are left wondering for months at a time how long will it be before we are left alone..it makes us on edge..when they come back eyes full of tears we want to hold them and never let go…And when they turn the tables around and cast us out of there life we are left alone to wonder what it was we did wrong..Its not us Josie its them.. I am up again at 5am and I dont have work today..I wake up all the time deep in depression I need to walk it off.. I will go back to sleep for a few hrs soon but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in this.. They shuffle us into there life like a the ave in a deck of cards..we start off on top and then the shuffling starts and we lose our place in the deck.. often ending up on the bottom or cast away.. yes they can leave us for a number of reason just as a non bp can do.. But its not the same because we go from the person they adore to the person they fear..fear has many faces.. fear of being in love and being hurt..fear of commitment.. fear that we will interfere with there routins and there need to run away.. Ran into a woman that works with my xgf.. we started chatting very light talk about there job.. I told this woman I used to date her and at first she clammed up with the look of fear in her eyes.. but soon opened up and informed me there is a side to my x I do not want to know..I was told she can be down right cruel to the lesser employees and kiss the ass of her bosses at the same time..Always does what it takes to get ahead without any thought to the people she uses as a stepping stone.. I was also told she has been out recently due to a medical condition that she contracted some sort of STD. She went on and on so I just let her talk.. Sometimes I feel the way they live scared paranoid etc is due to the way they live there lives..if every few months they start a relationship that last a month or two and then run away and with in days or weeks start another you can imagine the list of broken hearts and pissed off people they leave behind.. I am going back for a few Zzz’s I just wanted to touch base with you.. im here for u if I can help..
I have heard about them coming back like nothing ever happend or no momorey of what caused them to split..But I have yet to have it happen to me.. Id like to find out more about this? if anyone is out there who feels like talking I could really use some insight on this?
Hi Robert,
Thank you for your kind reply. I can tell you that yes, mine did come back eight to nine months later, with no recall of what he had said or done. See, until he called the cops to get me away from his house, he had been calling me every day three or four times a day. Then the silent treatment for eight months. I tried to call or email, but he rebuked me by saying that I was stalking him and that should I continue to call or email he would call the police again. He told me I looked like an old lady and dressed like one and he wasn’t interested in me any longer. He used to tell me I was beautiful and young like Snow White. Go figure! I cried so much. He destroyed me really. I had to take time off work and my studies to cope. I went into a depression. It has taken me two years to find balance again. He did come back last October and as I said he didn’t remember having done anything wrong to me. He took up again as if nothing had happened: calling, sending me jokes, telling me he loved me etc…. He cut me off again in June this year because I showed up to his place unannounced. He took offence to this and yelled at me. That was three and a half months ago. If I have tried to call he has hung up on me. He doesn’t reply to emails. I expect he will run into me again or somehow make contact. I don’t know, but due to what has happened before I believe he might. He told me once that he does and says things that hurt people and that when he realizes what he did/said, he has to apologize because he feels so badly about it. He has been married twice and his second wife and he are still friends. I believe she is his support person. He has had many many women. This is a sign of bipolar behaviour. I loved him / still do, so much, but he has broken me. I already didn’t have high self esteem and he has taken me down to the darkest realms of my own mind’s suffering. I started drinking to numb the pain. I am trying to stop that behaviour now, as I am beginning to understand that the flaw is not in me, but in his illness. This is the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. I agree with you that more of this should be explained in the mainstream media. People like us should be made aware and warned of this type of danger. These people are, albeit not on purpose, the proverbial wolves in the forest, ready to pounce on innocent little red riding hoods. They eat our hearts out.
Yes Robert they come back…and then they go again!
All my previous posts are on why do Bipolar people push us away…
…but my latest update is he left 3 weeks ago and tonight he tells me he knows now he can never have a relationship, he wont see a doctor and he wants to be left alone!
This has been going on for over a year the coming and going….he goes, he comes back, as though nothing has been said or nothing happened, sometimes weeks later sometimes months, last time he got in my car as though I had only seen him the day before, not nearly 6 months ago….he promised the world, said I was always there for him, he said he loved me so much, he was going to make this work and then left 3 days later!!
Now he says its over for good, he cant do relationships and he doesnt want medical help? He ignores texts doesnt answer the phone, avoids everything!
And yes, he has had lots of women, they dont stay like I did but I loved him….and many times my heart has been ripped out to the point where I am wondering…..do I have any feelings any more because now I just feel numb!
Hi From Bittersweet
Robert , wishing, audre
have not deserted the ship , am having enormous problems with both sites ..cannot blog at all or even open the pages. today has been the first time in 2 weeks. I suspect others are having prob’s too, as cant see Trust at all either .
really hope this works
if it does , then maybe will try to write again
aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
from bittersweet
yah posting seemed to work this time ..really dont know what has happened to the other site , have been liasing with raan privately.
Wishing Well have lost track of what has happened
did u finally hear from your BP ?
Robert r u in contact with your partner again ?
Trust where are you ?
Raan come to this site !
Finally my situation is same since i last posted on the other site ..NOT heard from mine for 1 year still …I do not try to make contact either.
I have spoken to one of my friends who is still with her dysfunctional BP ..her advice to me was IF i want him back I have to work hard for it …she suggested I just facebook him & ask to be friends WTF Why would I do this to be treated like shit again , ignored or played like a violin
Am holding fast now , its been a year , am not chasing him. feel good am getting healthy & besides if he really did care he would make contact.
& besides look at Wishing ..he just told her there is no chance ? we all know he has another women more fuking lies .. they just cant tell u the truth because they have to have a safety net for when the novelty wears off whoever they are with.
Robert am with you ..we all know whoever they are with it will turn to shit sooner than later & whoever it is they will be just as confused as we are . then they will be hated & blamed like we were arhhuh !! just disgusts me what they do to people. Well people its been 1 year and i am just beginning to start to feel better now. thats how long it takes for the love to eventually die.
kind regards from bittersweet
Dear Josie,
After reading your comments, I felt as though I were reading my own experience with a bp man. I, like you have never experienced anything like this in a relationship before. I have broken up with him so many times, as well as communicated in writing, which seems to work best because it is safe…for me and for him. My bp would disappear for months at a time, even returning to his ex wife for 2 years now. But presently, he is making progress by leaving that relationship and has relocated and building a new life for himself in another state. My past relationships, although not without problems, were pretty stabile…then I met “him”. Our first meeting he insulted me, and I was assertive in that I
confronted him. His response was, “I love an assertive woman.” But that remark, fueled my need for him. I believe he knew what he was doing, knowing somehow I needed to be acknowledged and the attention. He adored me, and I him, yet I remained in the relationship for all this time from the compassion I felt for him. He was so sad and dramatic, heartbroken, each time I tried to leave him. You see, they know us. It’s as if they are able to see our souls, find our vulnerabilities. We are hooked, then left, oftentimes financially and emotionally drained. Just recently, I see some progress in communicating with me, but I am now mistrusting….As you stated above, his ex wife is always there for him. He told me this. She seems to understand his issues, he tells me, but he is not in love with her. He is using her now, deceiving her by seeing me, and, he once cheated on me, and when I told him how hurt I was, he said, ‘You hurt yourself. I didn’t hurt you’…yet he has no idea why I am insecure and do not trust him…He now talks as though I am the one at fault. I am a confident and stabile woman, who has her life together now. I often think bp is an epidemic….moreover, like we women have done using PMS as an excuse,…an excuse for bad behavior. It’s hard to tell, as they are so charming and alluring. But it is over now. I suggest as you have, that women…and men educate themselves and examine their self for answers as t why we allow ourselves to be trapped in this on going tragic drama. I have learned much about myself through this bp experience. You are correct in saying that ‘These people are, albeit, not on purpose, the proverbial wolves in the forest….’ He knows you will always take him back no matter what…He keeps you confused and depressed; a vicious cycle…never ending. I wish you strength and insight in to your situation.
Be well, Josie.
Whoa, today was awful. being blamed for making my ex bipolar as well as taking some nasty sh*t from her. She snuck the call through as unavailable…had the nerve to say I keep bugging her and I don’t even have a number to call her at!SHE CALLS ME!
I would say that she is as vicious and hateful as I have ever seen anyone be. what the F***
i won’t get into all of the details, but it’s like she graduated into overdrive mode. I don’t think that this woman is EVER going to want to be with me again.
I am insulted by her, prodded, and ridiculed….so mean….
I cannot believe I love this woman.
I did tell her I am done with her.
Hi Raan….I have had exactly what you have just described, 3 weeks ago, I couldnt believe the things he said, I dont know how it will work for you but for me its not good news….
We had contact this weekend, I made contact, like yourself couldnt stop worrying about him, but it was no good he has decided he cant do this, he said he will never be able to have a relationship with me or anyone because he just hurts people, he seemed perfectly normal, guess he is coming down now, it was this time last year the depression started.
He tells me he cant hurt me again and I should go because there will never be a normal relationship between us, I know he is right, I have told him I will help, I will be there for him through every doctors appointment, I will support him with medical help but he is refusing to get help!
I now feel like I am not needed any more, in fact I feel like I am stalking him, even though he told me 3 weeks ago he loved me and I was the only one who has always been there?
I dont know what else I can do now but to walk away, he has given me no signs that he needs me or wants me in his life, he has apologised, he hasnt told me he wants it over just that he cant do what I want!
Personally I think he wants to just have one night stands with ladies who he will never “care for”, ladies who will never have any thing to “offer him” (apart from sex), ladies who he will never fall “in love” with because then life is easy….does this sound familiar to what you said about Terri?
In a previous post you said Terri told you she wouldnt sleep with you, the reason for this is she will become close to you again, she cant cope with that right now!
I hope this makes sense….the sad thing is I understand my ex cant cope with his feelings and I understand he cant do the relationship thing because he does have feelings, and being without me, is easier than being with me!!
Raan if you want I can email privately so as we can talk more in depth.
Wishing x
Hi Bittersweet, yes we had contact…my fault I went on a weekend away and couldn’t stop thinking about him, so I text him, we started chatting and as I put in my mail to Raan its now defiantly over.
He said he cant have a relationship with me or anyone, maybe I am being naive, I know you have put he has another women maybe you are right?
I am very sad but I am coping, I know it wont work and I know I deserve the whole fairy tale ( Not the Red Riding Hood variety!! )
I dont think he will come back now, he knows he wont be able to pick me up and throw me away again but I am worried it will take 12 months for me to get over this I am hoping I will be brave enough to get up and get on with my life!
I can post from my phone on this string:) Josie/Raan/everyone
Josie the thing you said about showing up unannounced? Bingo you hit it right on the head. Its truly remarkable how this disease plays on the minds of people. Making them feel in such a way that they all act alike come out with the exact same thoughts and response to those thoughts. I was dating my girl on and off through her running away and coming back and the last time the final time with her was when she told me I showed up at her house unannounced.. You may think I am nuts but I truly believe this disease is where the story of the werewolf came from. Looking back I see a correlation of her changes happening during certain times of the year. I am wondering now if I had kept a log/journal and compared it to a tidal water chart would it correspond to the changes in high and low tides? To the barometrick pressures caused by the moons gravitational pull? If the problem is caused by the uncontrolled flow of dopamine through enlarged or irregular shaped ports in the brain? Also sensitivity of the neurotransmitters. Over stimulation caused by gravitational pull leading to enlargement of the ports and the disproportionate flow of dopamine? Would putting a patient who is suffering from a severe episode into a hyperbaric chamber relief the symptoms? I wish I was able to test this theory. I have spent so much time racking my brain on this and the answer could be so close.
Hi Robert,
That’s really interesting that both your bp girl and my bp both decided to cut us off cold after we showed up unannounced. I believe it’s a sort of paranoia. He called it stalking, although I just rang the doorbell as if I were visiting any friend or loved one. How is that stalking, when I only did it once? He believes that his house is his haven. Once he told me that he takes different routes to go home, so people can’t stalk him, as he drives a sports car and they may think he is rich and then follow him home to rob him.
Before he cut me off, he was sending me the same weird emails he had been sending me two years ago, before he cut me off then: photos of his back yard…talking about going on a trip/ which he never did… delusional? He also told me he was suffering from insomnia, which as I have researched, is a huge red flag for recurring bipolar episodes. The fact remains that now in this state of mind, he hates me. I am the enemy. He still functions in other ways. I have seen him at the movies with his ex wife. I don’t get that. How can she still be friends with him, after all the women etc? She must know about his disease and be his support system. She probably, like us, still loves this bp person in her life. He had told me that when she left one night (because he was so depressed and so hard to live with) he just locked the door behind her so she could never come back in. A ten year marriage over in one minute, just like that, and locked her out for good. Cruel! But now they are friends. He picks her up for the odd date/ movie night. She makes him Christmas dinner etc. See they do come back eventually, but what a painful experience to deal with!
Robert you might be onto something with the theory of high and low tides corresponding to the flow of chemicals in the brain of bp’s. I am sure this is as horrible for them as it is for everyone who loves them. I was watching Frosty the Snowman with my class (I am a teacher) last year and I cried so much. My bp love is like Frosty. He is loving and gentle and caring and everything I have ever wanted in a love, and then one day he melts and I have no one to talk to me, to tell me that they love me. It is so sad. At least I have glimpsed what real love is, even if for a small segment of time… before him I had been in an abusive marriage also and I had given up on myself…. I do hope my bp comes back soon/ the good part of him, I mean…. I am ashamed to say I must be co-dependent…. but I wait for him every day…. he is my first and last thought…. I am stuck….
I think I will have to agree with your theory about changes throughout the year, my ex BP did this same thing at exactly this time a year ago, he was all over me then a week later I was dismissed, he was aggressive and very angry then he hit rock bottom with depression. I know that is what is coming next!
During his depression he told me “this always happens at this time of the year” “its a bad time for me always has been?”
I have never been allowed to turn up unannounced because he lives in quarters this enables him to hide away, lock his door and not answer the phone!
I know josie..We are all stuck and thats why we are here.. Atleast we can help support eachother. I know it has helped me. The being told I showed up un announced thing makes me wonder what about her kids do her kids friends show up un announced is a 12 yr olds friends supposed to call first? what if I married her like we talked about would i have to call before coming home from work? Yes there home is there safe place that I believe..
Trust I got your posting on my phone but I dont see it on my PC..wonder whats up with that? Il try and refresh the page.. Having a relationship with a non bipolar is no walk in the park either lol.. I am actually looking for failure in the new relationships I find myself in..I am failing misarabley… wish dont correct my spelling k? lmao
Josie you are loving and caring and gentle too.. We all want to put frostys top hat back on and say happy birthday to a new beginning 🙂
manoman, terri called tonight and really dug into me. blames ME for being bipolar, says it is OVER and I need to quit bugging her(I can’t even call her-she calls me), stop talking trash about her to all of her friends(jessica is actually telling her everything I talk to her about-sucks), tells me that I need to step up to the plate and send child support for ALL of the kids if I am going to still be their Daddy, asked for lots more of her belongings, refused to give me her address because she INSISTS I already know it (said Jessica gave it to me and didn’t) argued with me about it-or at least tried to, was EXTREMELY mean to me…even would blurt out things I said -twisting my words around in a negative way–so I would look like the bad guy, called me a ass, said I called her a bitch to the room of people because I said that the way that she went about this whole breakup was F’d up, refused to listen to any thing I said…just wanted to take out her anger on me – and it was something FIRECE.
I am wondering WHAT the Hell did I do to make her SO frickin ANGRY? If this is really terri – and NOT bipolar stuff, why would she be acting like this?
Terri SWEARS that she takes her meds and that I blame EVERYTHING on being Bipolar, and she is NOT sick.
She claims that she does NOT have a boyfriend and that she just said it because I won’t leave her alone (again-I DON’T call her!)
She isn’t too into me going on Halloween trick or treating with the kids because her Mom is going, her brother, and Dusty…I said well, if he isn’t her boyfriend, then why not…she doesn’t want me there because ???? but, wants me to be in the kids lives (what???)-she said I can just come up and get sophie and leave.
The sex stuff…GEEZ, she went off on how “when did we ever do it ALL night long?” I said never I don’t think…she said Shoot, we don’t even do it for an hour! I said, that doesn’t seem to ring true for me, and she said not counting foreplay…I said, well, I remember many times. She said that we never have sex long enough for her and that I suck at it….I said, well…I ordered some pills to help in that department since you said I don’t last enough for you and she said-use them on somebody else, cuz I am never coming back to you….
you get the gist here I think.
WHAT the fuck just happened here????
Is this bipolar or not????
I am trying to stay calm, and I think it is oevr for good. I cannot fathom her EVER wanting me back….
I will continue to ignore her and give her space, but I think she really means it- it is over for good ????
What do you people think?
What did you do wrong???? You didn’t love her like a suffocating cobra. You didn’t solve every problem in her life yesterday and spend ever second of today trying to make her happy. You weren’t her Dad. If you ask me BP has more levels then 1 @ 11, its more like 10. I’m a BP 1 but wouldn’t cheat or stab you in the back. There is often also more Personality disorders involved. OCD, ODD, ADHD. You get a mixture of a few and you have your hands full. People don’t like to recommend walking away but sometimes at least a break until someone is trying to get healthy with meds, a strong regiment of sleep and diet and stress reduction, etc. People with BP need to recognize they have an illness and need help. Denial does nobody any good.
Mark….but when a person has BP how do you get through to them, how do you help?
My Ex is not in denial, he knows he has a problem he told me he is Bipolar but he refuses to seek medical help, he has a stressful job, he doesn’t eat right, he drinks to much, he works 3 days, 2 nights every week and weekends and all holidays so therefore has no sleep pattern, also has OCD….
I have walked away or rather was told to “go away” but I feel awful, I should have done more but couldn’t work out what to do?
He is in denial if he wont seek medical treatment. This is an illness, it is not a simple cold. BP is a hidden epidemic. I drink to help calm my BP and anxiety because I can not afford real doctors and rel meds. Believe me I’ve lived thru 2 hells with BP partners BEFORE I learned what BP is and how it affects people. Don’t kid yourself into thin king you are going to CHANGE him or SAVE him. They have to do that for themselves. The best thing you can do is be as supportive as possible when he decides to get help, take care of yourself FIRST and set limits. If he doesn’t want to help himself you got to walk away. It’s just going to destroy you if you don’t. Sorry, I know it’s not a great picture and not the 1, 2 , 3 answer you were hoping for.
Thank you Mark for your answer, it is exactly what I thought you would say!
I have never wanted to change him just be there for him but I have wanted him to get help. I dont think he will come back now so I may never get chance to support him…..and yes, it is hell and sometimes very hard to believe its happening, I think it is because one minute you can be sitting having a perfectly normal conversation with them and then the next everything is totally out of control!
I have walked away not because I want to but because I am not sure where the thin line between him telling me he loves me and I am always there for him and him telling me to go away and leave him alone is? I just couldn’t work out whether I was needed or not?
I was a very strong person before this but yes, it has got very close to destroying me!!
I did not purposely pick up her call tonight…it came up unavailable-which is perhaps a client I thought…I wish I never answered it.
She put my oldest boy on half way thru the call and he asked me: Daddy, don’t you love me anymore?? I reassured him over and over that I will always love him. Oh, my stars….Damn it. I was mortified.
Something has changed recently. She has become VERY harsh towards me. Downright vicious. She never acted like this before.
It’s like, there is NO love or compassion for me-whatsoever.
Did I push too hard over these last two months??
Is it possible that people up there are talking trash about me to her and she’s “buying” into it?
She also threatened me -insinuated something I felt disturbing…about something to do with my business.
Told me that I STOLE sophie’s birth certificate and shots card. I explained that went I dropped sophie off a few weeks ago, that I forgot to give it back because she kind of got rid of me quickly. She claims I stole it….???
wants me to bring up sophies bed, the boys playstation, some junky speakers that were hers, dishes(which ones?), and the little kids furniture….
Does this seem like it’s terri “cutting all ties” time??? seemed like it. I get the feeling that she isn’t likely to call too much anymore…
I think that she hates me.
This is a set of two emails I wrote to someone that has been helping me…you know who you are. Thanks again.
Also, she was talking SO fast and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise and made it hard to even end the call.
I don’t know for sure what is going on with this woman, but she sure does seem CRAZY as all hell.
Do NORMAL people behave like this???
Raan, I think its just part of the Bipolar, I have had the same, last night before it ended he was talking about living in a cardboard box on the streets then he wouldnt have to care, this is a man with a good job, standards and a private school education, a totally unreasonable conversation??
They really dont know what they are saying half the time and I have seen him go from perfectly calm to enraged within seconds!
Terri is young but I have heard it gets worst with age, I know my man has deteriorated a lot in the time I have known him, I know he needs help now but he just wont listen, I… like you… can only hope now for him to snap out of it and get help?
I too think my man wont come back this time it feels worse than any other time BUT I have thought this before and he has returned!! I the same as you didnt do or say anything wrong but he has found excuses to push me further away, he also told me he doesnt love me, so why answer my calls, why text me back?
My only advise now is to leave her, if she calls you just be polite dont bite when she says unreasonable things, your priority now has to be to keep an eye on those children?
The fast talking is a manic stage first time I heard it I thought he was drunk, he went from one subject to another, 30 minutes of non stop talking and I couldnt get a word in?
I am gathering you can no longer confide in Jessica, as hard as this maybe it will be for the best because I have found that anyone who has not experienced this, does not understand at all?
Hope that helps….stay strong! x
Robert, trust , josie,
the other site must of inherited Bipolar I think !!LOL
the comment dont go to their place unannounced..gee that brought back memories ..my ex was actually living on a property that i owned & he told ny nother he had been trying to get rid of me for months & that i was stalking him’ my mum said well hello you are living on her property ?? that was when he wanted to run off with a new women & I was getting in the way.
stoooopid me was in love ( blindly ) so in love with him . I was working in the city an hour away from the farm I owned. I was looking forward to seeing him on the weekend & he was packing his stuff & moving in with another women. thats how much I knew ..we were in contact but he told me nothing , it was a neighbour who told me he saw them driving around together & that had been for a month !! WTF The same women who punched him in the face 1 year later ..he bolted from her & showed up on my doorstep , but when he told me she punched him ‘ I laughed ” & so he had a mental freakout & bolted & I never saw or heard from him again for 4 years…!!!
Wishing Well
U r correct , I never had the priviledge of being told ‘I love u ‘ ( if it indeed is a priviledge at all) but then again i was never told i wasnt loved either , usually i was told ZERO . like you when I would look at the photos of him with other women I would cry & laugh at myself for being so stupid to be in love with this person. It seemed surreal ..the heading on the top of this page from a BP spouse says where Vultures fLY ‘ gee I can relate to that..
another site i read where a female BP told of how she knows when her meds are starting to not work because she recognises the runaway bi , also recognises that she doesnt care about her husbands feelings just her own. she realises that her meds needs adjusting & so she does that & she comes good again. What an amazingly beautiful soul to actually have the insite to realise she is going OFF a bit & correct it .that truly speaks volumnes to me ..its such a fine line these poor souls walk , & they dont even realise .
Unitl they get depressed then they look back & say what was the last 6 months all about?? My BP used to often say to me his whole life just feels like he is ‘ waiting ‘ I could never quite get that at the time but maybe i do get it now.
Wising & Trust & Robert & raan & josie
I have not heard from my BP for 1 year but he didnt actually say he was leaving or that he had had enough or that he didnt love me . I think like terri said to Raan they cant get close to you cause they hurt !! but then u look at Fb & they are writing to other women even saying sweet nothings to them . So I di think we become nothing to them , they dont give us a 2nd thought , they just move onto someone new & all the love we gave them they take with them into the new realtionship. One of my friends who is a nurse has been with her BP rapid cycler ‘ for 12 years ..she told me they are plaguerists , they just take on the new likes of the new person they are with & run with that persons habits , likes & dislikes. they do what that person wants to do but only for a while until the shit hits the fan . She told me her BP has often said to her stop stalking me, he tells her to get lost , hates her etc etc but she just laughs at his behaviour …the only thing that really makes her angry is when he wets the bed ??? apparently they do this is they drink alcohol on meds.!! new to me but he is on Epilem & Seraquel
talk soon u r all great & funny
from bittersweet
Its is surreal bittersweet, the last time we were together making plans for our future I said to him be honest with me if we are to make a future tell me who this other woman is ( he didnt know I already knew about her)this was the conversation…. all looking me straight in the eyes and lying through his teeth:
he said… there is no other woman
I said… the woman you took on holiday
he said… I went alone, I told you!
I said … I saw the photos
he said…oh her, shes a friend
I said …so she went?
he said…well yes but just as a friend
I said …so you didnt sleep with her
he said…NO, of course not!
I said….YES, you did!
he said…well YES, but shes just a f*** Buddy???
so in 20 seconds we went from him not knowing her to her being his F*** Buddy??
….and all of it was with him looking me in the eyes and lying without so much as a stutter!!
Another funny story, when I was at his place once I saw a big bag of Christmas cards, I looked through and there were about a dozen cards from different women, I stupidly thought to myself….Gosh what a hoarder to save all these Christmas cards over the years…..now I realise they were probably from just one Christmas….so naive??
I know what you mean when you said he used to say “hes just waiting” my man would say “hes just living on borrowed time?”
xxxx
Thanks wishing. I am so drained and depressed today…it isn’t funny. In some ways, i am relieved as well. I know that I have always loved this woman, was a good mate, a good Father of the kids, provider, and yet….
Something tells me that she does have a few points that make me doubt myself and our relationship. This is the hardest part of all of this.
Did I cause this woman to simply get tired of me and make her react this way in my attempts to get her to come home? I know that she loves me and I know she has feelings…
Is this mania or a bitter ex? THAT is what drives me crazy. I know I’ve mentioned this many times over the past many weeks. I wish I knew which it is.
I’m hanging in there, by a thread, but doing my best to roll with the punches.
I wish that I could do something-anything to make this anger towards me stop. I have never seen her like this.
Perhaps the ignoring her might make it diminish. I hope so. I am NOT taking ANY calls that do not show up with a number I can see. I pick up my Daughter around Halloween, and perhaps her anger might be less then.
Raan for got to say..the private number thing used to send my BP into a rage ..on a few occassions i called him from our work phone that is set oon private ..
when he answered, he would go off his head about how I was trying to trick him , cage him he used to say .
he would go into a rant about was a sneaky , corrupt piece of s..t i was & how dare i use a private number to call him..he would say i deliberately did this because I didnt trust him & that I was a stalker who had presumptions of him being with another women well duh !
so I woould totally be bombarded with abuse to the point that I couldnt even get to the conversation that I had rung him for ?? I would hang up after trying to justify my actions ..AGAIN & think gees what was that all about
So it does not surprise me that terri does this to you because she doesnt want u to track her phone number because then u can ring her .. they do project a lot of their deviousness onto us poor innocent souls who wind up asking ourselves ..what did i do wrong ??
I was talking to him yesterday & he was fine , but the same question today send him into an absolute tirade.??
At least with NO CONTACT at all your pride stays in tact Raan ..
read my above post raan ..
kind regards Bittersweet
Its mania Raan, I have spent weeks wondering how he went from loving me to hating me so much, he said things to me that I know he will be mortified when feeling normal! He has always treated me like a lady but when this kicks in I feel like dirt!
I am doing the same as you, I have told him I am getting on with my life ( I am not at the moment, I am doing the same as you, feeling depressed) I know exactly what you mean, today I did have waves of feeling relieved not sure if I feel relieved because its over or if its just I dont have to deal with it any more?? I too feel I couldnt take calls at the moment, I want time to become strong again….you need to do the same?
I have no doubts you were good to her, I know I was good to my man, one thing he once said to me was ” you just cant believe that someone could love you so much”…… perhaps we just loved them too much??
Michelle/bitterbabe:)/ran and who ever else is reading these post. No I am in no physical contact with my xgf.we have no kids together I have mine she has hers so no reason for it. Raaan don’t take anything she says personnel. They will attack you for any reason they feel will work. I was a great lover and I know it and damn strait she knew it too 😉 and I bet I still have the bite marks to prove it lol. Vicious little thing she was lol. And is it you michelle who have stayed away for one full yr? Don’t go back girl be strong. U deserve so much better we all do. Its nearly imposible to conform to all there madness and after a while it will run you down and you will lose. Only a person who wants to change can do it. And if who ever it is that are spamming this sites servers don’t like it let me remind you we also have rights and feelings and we need to hash this out. So knock off your bull shit. I was through bobbing and weaving my way around my bp x. Dosent mean I don’t want to help others. I would love for anyone to cure this bp. Too many people r hurt by what goes on.
Lost & found U R a Funny man I like u & like my new nickname Bitterbabe !
Wishing well
Raan & I have been talking privately by email
Raan has my details along with a few pics we exchanged
If you would like …we can talk privately as well
so I will send Raan an email & get him to give you my address as I noticed u both are doing the same & I think u & I could have a good talk
Kind regards
Bittersweet !!
Wishing well,
Go back to the old blog “why do bipolars push…” and look at the bottom…it has my email address there and write me please. I’ll send it to Bittersweet since she would like that, okay?
YOU FOLKS OUGHT TO BE VERY PROUD OF ME TONIGHT..I AM!
TERRI CALLED ONE AFTER ANOTHER USING TWO DIFFERENT NUMBERS FOR ABOUT AN HOUR…MUST HAVE CALLED ME ABOUT 15 TIMES-if not more!!!
I did NOT answer ANY of them. She left 3 msgs, and they said nothing but I’m calling to talk…pick up…I am borrowing a phone . well, I’ll call you tomorrow.
whatever.
Jessica writes me a letter- terri seems fine to me.
whatever.
YOU DID GOOD…. boundaries remember?
XX
Wishing Well
can you go back to the previous blog ‘Why do bipolar people push partners away ‘ at the end of the blogs raan has left his email address for me to contact him because I was having trouble with that site..
If you email raan ,…he said he will give u my email address & then we can talk to you some more in private
kind regards
Bittersweet
OK…..will mail you both!
xx
Okay people, this is day three of the NO CONTACT thingy, and I don’t like it, but understand why it is necessary I suppose.
Terri has called me 15 times the first day, 2 times yesterday, and 2 times today. It’s interesting…she never calls me this much since the breakup. Sure does seem to want to connect, but for what reason? To go off on me? I wonder if she needs to feel that connection we had. For safety and security purposes??? To feel secure that if something should go wrong, well- Raan will take me back!
Righhhhht.
her voice mail msg. today was odd, as usual. She called from work and told me that the kids are fine, but guess you don’t want to talk to your kids? THEY ARE IN DAY CARE! Huh? She asked me to pick up because she needs to know if I am coming up on the 23rd or the 30th? Huh? I already told her I was coming up on the 30th and wanted to go trick or treating with the kids, but she was going to think about it….guess she forgot? Another strange thing-she was busting my balls about leaving Sophie my daughter there until Halloween, but now she seems like she forgot or it doesn’t matter???
This woman drives me crazy. NO consistency. NO keeping a plan together. NO reasoning. NO logic. NO LOVE towards me. sad.
Mark,
Well my friend…if you have read all of my posts for the last 6 weeks or so, you might have an idea as to how F’d up my life has become in the last 2+ months.
HOW IN THE WORLD DO I GET THIS WOMAN WHOM I LOVE TO GET HER POOP TOGETHER AND COME HOME AND GET OUR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER?
DO YOU THINK SHE IS ON SOME SORT OF EPISODE?
I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING, AND ALL SHE DOES IS PULL AWAY AND BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING.
ANYONE HAVE ANY NEW SUGGESTIONS BESIDES COMPLETELY IGNORE HER? GO ON WITH MY LIFE AND SEE IF SHE FOLLOWS EVENTUALLY? I’M NOT WAITING,BUT WOULD GUESS THAT I WON’T BE IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP ANY TIME SOON EITHER.
I THINK ABOUT THIS WOMAN AND MY CHILDREN CONSTANTLY, AND WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOMETHING OTHER THAN WAIT UNTIL SHE CRASHES….IS THAT ALL THAT CAN BE DONE?
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOME POSSIBLE HOPE, BUT UNDERSTAND IF THERE IS NONE.
HAD A RATHER GOOD WORK DAY, CONSIDERING HOW BLAH I FELT. I MISS MY FAMILY SOMETHING AWFUL.
Raan,
email me at ISingapore1@aol.com
just typed a 45 min reply and cyberspace ate it
There is hope,,,been thru the same things. its been 3 yrs since I was forced to walk away, but I didnt know then what i know now.
Raan.
I understand what the others are telling you about setting up certain boundaries. Yes you need boundaries. But I think you may be taking them a bit too far. Try lowering the ones on excepting her calls just a little. From what I have learned people with BP have to prioritize there lives. You are being prioritized. You must even if just a little continue to be part of her life or you will be shuffled to the bottom of the deck or completly removed from the deck. Right now you are most likely very near the bottom. You have every right to continue being part of her life because you have a child with her. I did not have any kids with mine and therefore no right to continue being involved with her life. I would have been thought of as a stalker. But you have every right to know what your child is doing. You don’t have to listen to me but if there is going to be any hope for you to get back together with her then do not iliminate yourself from the deck. Maybe tell her that you need to limit your contact with her because she has broken your heart. But don’t just remove yourself from her life. There are ways for you to slowly work yourself back into the mix. Used your head not your heart. Answer the fucking phone atleast once a day if not a little more. Boundries should be set on certain actions like abuse. But I wouldn’t cut off ties with her completly unless you feel you never want back in. And I doubt it will hurt if you tell her this but without going into heart wrenching detail.
When I have said boundaries I too mean as in abuse, Raan at the moment is being abused, the abuse is very damaging to his confidence I know because I have been there, she is now insulting him to the point that he is sure he has done something wrong and we all know he hasnt!
I agree he needs to talk to her, he has a child but he has to make it clear he will not talk until she is calm, the best thing to do in this situation is to text her, be nice in the texts, be kind and tell her you will be there when she is ready to talk without the abuse!
Wishing that is Perfect. He has to let her know she cannot abuse him. Once the abuse starts he should tell her he is not there as her whipping post. Its nearly impossible to continue a relationship like this. Just like mark said. You may do good bobbing and weaving. But it gets old real fast. I actually grew tired of it and let myself get cought. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do because in the long run I do miss her. But at the time it was so tireing it just felt right for me to give up get cought in her set up and get out. I guess each of us must have our own limits and boundries and we must learn to live with it.
very depressed today. I slept until 7 pm. No calls from Terri yet. I want to answer if she does and tell her “how can I help, and that I love her”
hmmm
Raan
am sorry u r feeling sad & lonely …its a hard road my friend , much councelling is required.
I am still in therapy constantly to overcome the pain & rejection.
as you know its been 1 year now , no contact.
regards Bittersweet
That frightens me Bittersweet…..I cannot imagine 1 year from now and still feeling the same, its scary because I can remember 1 year ago and I am still in the same position??
Wishing xx
I feel the same RAAN….I have mailed you I hope it helped.
Next time she calls answer her, tell her you will help, if she starts with the abuse then politely tell her to call back tomorrow!
All day today I have hoped he would call its been nearly 4 weeks now since I last saw him, I think I know in the back of my mind he wont call but something keeps telling me he always has and I cant believe it is over!
He changed so quickly this time, one day he was fine next day gone…..BITTERSWEET I need your help with this, is this normal to change so fast, to be wanting you so much and within 12 hours to hate you so much?
I dont know what to do now, I had a quick text chat with him on Monday and he told me he cant do relationships and I told him I wanted him to get help, I will support him but he said NO, so I said I will have to get on with my life then, we left it open, no big goodbyes, the last thing he said to me was ” What do you want to do….ITS MY PROBLEM NOT YOURS?” What does it all mean….does he want me gone or is this just another “push me away episode?”
Hi Wishing, Bittersweet, Raan, Robert, everyone,
I am in the same boat. He was calling and emailing every day until one day in June, when I showed up unannounced and he got angry with me because he said he was fighting insomnia. I knocked on his door at nine thirty pm. He thought it was midnight. I apologized for doing something wrong, but he stopped calling me. He ignores all my calls and emails. He has hung up on me and even made a bad sound on the phone before hanging up. I don’t even know why I care about him at this point.
Does anyone on this forum, who has bipolar disorder have any advice for us all?
Could you please explain to us if these people will come back to us?
Can it take a year?
While they are gone, do they even remember us?
Please tell us your side of the issue.
Josie
Hi Josie,
Excellent questions, please someone reply and help us try to understand.
I have had the same thing with sleep, loses track of time, cant sleep, can sleep forever, at first I thought it was because he works shifts but now I wonder is this part of bipolar?
I too have had times when I wonder if he remembers me?
Josie are you English….just asking because you have replied at the same time of the day as me?
Wishing xx
Hi Wishing,
I live in Canada.
I’m usually up early and check my emails. This blog has been my life line. I feel so much more at peace knowing that I have you guys as a net of friends, who have been going/ are going through the same pain as I have.
The last time mine came back it felt surreal. I cried for an hour the time he spoke to me at the drugstore, as if nothing had happened, nine months after no contact. I cried so much and realized it was catharsis. I had held in so much pain, so much grief and then after seeing him and knowing he still cared, allowed me to cry out all of that held in pain. He came back and then it was as if nothing had ever transpired. I couldn’t believe it. I guess it’s because the other part of their persona comes back. I think bipolar is more than a mood disorder. They have two personalities: a nice one and a mean one. The mean one is cruel and cuts us off. The nice one loves us. I don’t have any background on this, but this is how it feels.
I am waiting for the nice part to call me. Again I would love to hear from someone with bipolar disorder about this. Any help would be greatly appreciated, on behalf of all the souls in pain on this blog.
Yes Josie you are right there are two personalities, last week mine said the worst things ever, I was a hateful bitch, never wanted to see me again, he hated me, I was to go away, leave him alone!
Today I sent a simple text, he replied, “I hope your ok babe” I know he will hate what he has said and he will wonder how I can forgive but I can, this is an illness, brain chemicals, we cant see it but we have to try to understand it?
Wishing xx
Good morning my friends 🙂
Josie/wishing/bitterbabe/michelle/raan/ken and anyone and everyone who comes here and a few that don’t but are there in the background reading our postings learning and coping. You are all gentle loving caring people. The cream of the crop as they say.. Yes I do believe people with bp have two complete different personality s. A friend of mine once told me they used to call it walking skitofrenia excuse my spelling.I would notice when she would start her change she would talk about the past as if it were a million yrs ago.her old job in the city calling it the good old days and having a far off look to her that started me to feel distant from her. Then it would slowly change getting a little deeper and distant each day.her voice would slowly take on a diffrent pitch.less carefree more thought into each word.then the text messages would start to fly faster and more of them. On the phone she would talk so fast I couldn’t understand her but I wouldn’t ask her more then once what she said or she would get flustered.all this speed and then came the silance the voice uncaring and perfectly even toned. No emotion shown at this point. Everything as matter of fact! She transformed completly into the person I did not know. I would think to myself this is her work voice the voice of the firer the voice of the bitch she would tell me I would oneday call her..the short time I was permitted access to her facebook I noticed farmville was her favorite page after page of this slow moving methodical game.I guess she is able to focus herself into this game and it helps in some way to use up all the extra activity that is going on in her head.I connected with her bright side because I always have had low self esteem. No collage worked my way up through much hard manual labor.never received much attention from the pretty rich girls and was basically outcast into the rank and file of the tough guys. Meeting this beautiful smart and well spoken woman making love to her and being loved back by her. Telling eachother the most beautiful things from deep within our hearts was just so diffrent and so sweet I gave away my everything to her. This is how I came to be here. I gave away my everything to her she inturn changed with in a weeks time and disguarded me back to the trash pile where I came from. I can’t write anymore for now I tty all later. Its not our fault…
That was beautiful….so well written and ironically the same story that we all have to tell, someone once told me that we are chosen, my self esteem was low, I know I wanted someone, I had brought 3 children up alone, I wanted someone for me, he made me feel so good, he listened when I spoke, he called me, he made me feel special, I told him things from my heart I didn’t tell other people!!
None of us are on the trash pile, we are dis-guarded, but we are all gentle, loving, caring people!!
Please write some more…… xx
Blue on Black. Tears on a river.
Push on a shove,
it don’t mean much
Whisper on a scream,
doesn’t change a thing
Don’t bring you back……
I KNOW….. xx
Yes wishing that’s it..
hello guys , its a brand new day here
they come back if you pull them back , but u will have NO pride left.
they want the attention from you , they want you to beg , to cry etc they just want the attention , they are scared & fear takes over
Its up to you if you want them back to just keep hammering away , forget being polite
they can wait silently forever, in the meantime they will entertain others who dont know them
they dont want to be pigeonholed’ its left to chance !
I know the immense pain of being forgotten , i know the immense pain of not being able to control myself & making contact with them only to see them with someone new. they are doing the same drives in the car, to the same places you both used to go . going to the same cafes, the same walks on the beach hand in hand. fuk do I know that rejection !!
The come back thing well they wont Initiate it , you will have to do that , with all the courage you can muster , and be prepared for the total rejection , be prepared for the pain , the casual conversation from them like it doesnt matter to them. the almost ‘ have a nice day attitude ‘ that leaves you in more pain because they are not who they were with you before.
If you want them back its lots of hard work for you
think of when you first met them , there were no rules no goalposts because u didnt know the condition
well that is what they aim for when not with u …you pull their covers & they dont like that ..mentioning doc’s & meds’s will do you more harm & they will distance themselves from you .
mine did come back , he intiated contact after 4 years of no contact …he was wonderfully romantic & caring & he was in another relationship with another women when he asked me to give it another go . I had the choice I could have said NO & I never would have heard from him again , u cant just be friends with these people . I know its sounds delusional , but they do have to have someone in their life , If its not u its someone new. Wishing you said it in your recent post,
they cant just walk back into your life because they know they will want to leave again , and that means pain , also they know they cant just keep trashing you & tossing you aside.
The decision to go back is in your hands not theirs, they will not contact you they will ignore your emails . texts etc because they are in fear. fear plays a big role with them ..I am no expert I am just as unhappy now since he left when i was 7 years ago . I think it was Mark who said he just had to keep walking ‘ their moments of clarity are there but shrouded in not so clear moments . they live in an unreal world . they will never be there for you but if you want that you can get it back , but basically you will have to beg for it.
I at this point am not going to beg , my pride is in tact & that is the way I like it, I dont want to be apart from him & not ever seeing him again kills me but I wont beg.
Wishing am trying to get your email from Raan , as soon as i do I will write you an email ..In the meantime just move on with your life , look after yourself & your kids and I will talk to you soon. when I write to you am happy for you to give my email to the other guys , josie who is still in pain & robert who is a sensational brilliant man.
kind regards Bittersweet
Hi Bittersweet,
So, if I want him back I should beg for him to come back? I would, but he has hung up on me and ignored my calls. He has given me stone cold silent treatment since June. If I bet him to come back, do you think that’s what he wants me to do? Is he waiting for me to call him again? I do want him back, so badly. I don’t think he will ever contact me first, again.
OK folks, I’ll put my story out there and hope it helps. I’m not an expert so take things with a grain of salt. It’s going to be long, rambling at times, but I’ll try and keep a flow. Remember all our cases are different, we may find many similarities but something that I say that has worked for me may backfire on someone else.
I only came to find out what being Bi Polar means over the last 2 years. By that I mean, I wasn;t aware what I had or what I had been experiencing in terms of 2 relationships the last 20 yrs had a name or diagnosis to it.
I met my dear friend M (for name sake) 3 yrs ago, she’s a BP 10 if you ask me. Me, I think I’m a 1. When we first met I had been seperated 6 months from my wife. It seemed at the time depression was our connection. Her BP ride has had her thru an array of Facilitys that treat Mental Health issues, hence my education to the real world of what I had been living
Stating the obvious bi polar behaviour can you get you the I luv yous one minute and the next getting pounding in the face by their fist doing 55mph on the freeway the next. With my wife (yes, we’re divorcing asap, let me clarify that and no, no hope of reconcilaition)she might tell you that I did love her but I doubt it, because the obvious “where am I” would follow her lips if I truly loved her and then she might tell you I tried to kill her, which I won’t dignify with a reply.
I might be boring you a little so I’ll throw out some of my wisdoms. Grab the salt. If you’re involved with a unfaithful partner ….run…and don’t stop. I personally dont think those BP’ers who do that stop because you are the love of there life. And I’m not saying all BP’ers cheat. Non BP’ers cheat and cheat and cheat. Don’t get offended and this includes me, some of us need to grow a spine. I’m sure we have on own web of individual issues (mine codependency)that allows us to trick own minds and rationalizes the behaviour we put up with. But if I were to tell you someone better would enter your life and treat you 10 times better, I’m hoping you’d be willing to tell me the partner is a thing of the past.
And believe me I know its hard to move on, the longer you were with that person the more difficult it is. You have all the history and hopefully some good memories. Starting over seems like such a challenge.
OK, some pyschology rambling. An oldy, but some BP’ers are seeking the all loving Mom or Dad. Don’t shoot the messenger. There are often and I’m not saying all who are seeking to replace the love and nurturing of a lost parent. When you fail as that ALLLOVING person, you often get the cold shoulder and that could mean they move out, they pk up with some one else, etc. Sometimes they need a new start so they can pretend they are not sick. So they dont have to face reality. And telling someone they are Mentally Ill is no fun. It’s not a conversation starter, it’s not the first line on your first date. It’s not something people want to deal with everyday of their life and I understand that but some people have no choice but to deal with it, consequences are so great not too.
Reality is, there are alot of people who are Mentally Ill and Bi Polar is a Mental illness. Recongizing you are and need help is not an easy choice.
ok, some advice and some maybe redundant to those I’ve talk to before. 1) Take care of yourself FIRST. Don’t be a martyr, don’t make their illness or their problems your life. I know I’m touching a nerve with some cause I was like that once. It’s not healthy hence the codepency label. 2)Set Limits – boundaries. Any type of abuse verbal, physical, mental should not be tolerated and you got to let them know that by TELLING them. Don’t assume they’re going to figure it out. COMMUNICATION very important. Somebodys screaming at you on the phone, say hey I’ll talk to you later when you’ve calmed down. It’s almost like reparenting a child but hey they want to act like a 2yr old I;m going to treat you like a 2yr old.
Medication, and Cognitive therapy very important in getting well. Realizing you’re ill, getting the right meds (which may take yrs) and doing all the proper things like reducing stress, eating well, sleeping , etc help tremendously.
So, will that person love me again? Is there any hope?
Yes, yes, yes. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. You’re circumstances might be different but I’ve seen someone who doctors gave up on come back, get the right meds, do the right therapy and is doing well. We openly talk about it being a high wire act and I fear a fall everyday but we take it one day at a time. Best of luck.
Bitterbabe/ken
You both are right on the money with what you wrote I will print both your post out on monday morning and keep them with me for daily support. It helps if I keep you guys close I can read what you wrote as soon as I need to and get back on track. I think we all should do the same. It really does help. I know you guys are right. Iv said it often and its just so hard to move on. My brain says run and my heart says stay. I feel like I am in a race against myself to find an equal love that will make it all better. When I meet a woman on a date and I look into her eyes I want to see the same loving look I used to see in my girls eyes. I know the love was there I could see it. I look for it in the eyes of others and I just don’t see it. I am mostly haunted by the eyes of my xgf when I think of her I don’t think of her body or sex all I see are those loving eyes looking so deep into my soul I could feel it.I never saw the look fade away even while she told me good by. Its just so damn sad.
Lost u r very perceptive …I understand the eye thing
i know exactly what u r saying
even when my ex drove away with another women , i could not feel hatred just shame as I looked into his eyes
I honestly fely like they drove down the road tearing my heart out as they drove away ..its a cruncher ..
regards Bittersweet
I guess all the sweet things she used to tell me were the same things she told over and over again to each and every guy she was with? That the record thing I was talking about. Like she uses what has worked for her in the past. Do they have memory failure also? I remember her once telling me something for a second time and acting like I was being told this for the first time. Its all just to much to even deal with. So the thing about them comming back may only be for the ones that have some sort of roots. If there are no roots then there is no returning on there own?
Mine always came back, his choice I never asked him to, in fact I would make him think about it really carefully, make him take time to think if what he was doing was what he wanted but of course he always said yes, I want this, I want us, this time it will work but of course it never did and he would run again….
He had no roots with me but he always came back on his own, I NEVER ASKED HIM TOO, it was always his choice?
This time maybe different, this time he was insulting, this time he told me he doesnt love me, want me and its over!
BUT….he also asked me yesterday “are you ok?” is that memory failure or regret?
I think iv spent enough time trying to crack that nut. Now I better get my own checked 🙂
At this present moment in time….. my sentiments exactly!! 🙂
This post initially caught my eye because I too was wrestling with this type of question. How is it possible to be treated at times with such non emotion for lack of a better description. To be showered with love and respect and kindness and then tell someone you hate them, you think they want to hurt you or worse you lie and tell people this person has hurt you.
It’s what they do when their brains misfiring. When there are swinging at a 1, 2 or 9 and 10 and not even keel like a 4 or 5. You combine other personality disorders with BP and you are really swinging with issues.
Meds hopefully stabilize the mood swings and keep people at an even 4 5 or 6. You go off your meds your back to swinging low or high, depression or acting manic.
For those who have lost their partners, whoever these people hook up with experience the same type of issues, behaviour, problems. They don’t leave us and move into Disneyland and live happily ever after.
Excellent that just summed it up completely….my final words to my Ex after we split were….”if I am not right for you, someone will be” he replied “Dont think anyone will be because its my problem not yours!!”
My final words were “I won’t be home tonight, it’s over” She laughed; like it was some sort of game. She was being comforted by someone else within a couple of wks, couldn’t have taken it very hard. That was 3 years 1 month ago.
So they love when they want love? Hate when they want to hate? Leave you when they want to get away from you? And forget so they feel no pain after using you up? Wow I wonder if I can buy some BP and injest it into myself so I can be like that too. After all its all about them isn’t it? Maybe normal is the new minority? Wtf…
Pretty much. I’m sure the memory loss is a convenience thing. They know when they mistreat people, don’t let em fool ya, the illness just has em in full force f everyone mode.
Thats it lost, it all about them, well I cant hide my feelings, I cant live with knowing he is seeing other people, I asked him once if that was what he wanted, he said “no way, I dont do sharing” but I dont believe it now and I dont want to be a part of it.
I have often thought he keeps me hanging, with a kind text, so as he can do what he wants and then return.
I feel I cant live like this, maybe its shock after what has happened again. I dont know if he thought or thinks I have sat around waiting, he never asked me, I did ask him and he said there has been no one but as we all know, when are they telling the truth?
Its as if they think they can just pick us up and put us down when they want, well not this girl, she’s hitting the road!!
I feel brave tonight…. many reasons, I hope I will continue to feel brave and be able to look back and know that I learnt something from this experience, I will never regret knowing him and if he contacts me in the future I will be polite. If he considers seeking medical advise I will reconsider.
There have been times I have been scared and I dont want that again!
Don’t lose the brave times, I know its hard. It’s obvious we’re looking for validation from the wrong people and once you mix history and the doubt that there will be anyone else, you starting thinking all sorts of crazy stuff. Nevermind loneliness getting the better of ya.
Mark, I am not going to, yesterday a text reduced me to tears as did the song Robert and I put on here…Blue on Black….he’s not coming back….
I have NO doubts there will be someone else….I have doubts I will ever feel the same feelings again!
I know he felt something and that’s why he runs but Whisper on a scream…. doesn’t change a thing?
Your insight has been wonderful….thank you!
My xgf used to use the Fword all the time and when she started to change would actually encurage her own young kids to use it. I never liked the idea of cursing in front of any young child and I’d tell her to stop all the time. She used to say her x husband was controlling. I guess that label may stick to anyone who trys to help them too? 3yrs and one month and you still will never forget her. That scares the hell out of me right now because I am fighting the feeling of wanting to contact her everyday now.
I think we all need to take kens advice and grow a spine. Take it for what it was worth. We had a great time but the ride has ended with them. We have found people we can lean on for support and we will survive. Yes its hard but this is life I guess.
Sometimes we may not even have that choice….we don’t run this show….do we?
Hell ya we run this show. Weather we wanta be a puppet in the show is up to us. That’s our choice. Getting strong enough to do that is hard however. You gotta look inside yourself and sometime your not going to like the truth about the things we put up with for what ever reason. Love, thats a meaningful word for some of us. Others, not sure if they know how to spell it.
Absolutly not. Wishing I have witnessed to many things in my 47 yrs to think we are in this world alone. I try to be true to my friends family and myself. And if I start feeling really bad. I just remember that bitches house is haunted lol 😉
L&F,
I like that LOL, but you can do better. Her MIND is haunted.
Lost, I am a year older than you and sometimes feel very alone in this world, I was a great candidate for a Bipolar lover….I lost my grandparents, then my brother, then my baby, followed by my husband and 6 months ago my best friend…vulnerable maybe, caring very, naive absolutely!!
I know I will get through this…..
Her mind is haunted and so is her house lol. And on that I swear. Its in your face haunted. Iv seen some shit in my days. But nothing like I have seen there lmao. Wonder if she attracted that shit?
Wishing,
Yea, having the same feelings is what runs thru my mind too sometimes. Even more if the thought that I just wasted all this time. We have a son 18 in the Army, so I won’t take back a second the miracle that came out of the relationship.
If you missed previous posts, my BP ex is in the army too….at the start I always put what he had been through down to the mess in his head, maybe it is, maybe it helped make things worse.
But I will always be glad I knew him….
Oh wishing I’m sorry didn’t mean to upset anyone here is one to help you feel better. My little runaway I wonder.. 🙂
Right on mark! You cannot trade the good things that came from your relationship. I’m a romantic. Listning to my sunday night roots of rock N roll. My Coney island baby lol. Right Wish? 😉
Yeh right….and romantics will find romance again…
Goodnight you two…here in England its the middle of the night…lolx
Nite
Hi Josie. If you think begging will help or to make yourself feel like you have given it your best shot or just because you want to.you do what ever it takes to pull you through. First its A)they need love. Then B) they need a strong person to set boundries. C)they need constent attention. D) the mention of A-B and C and they get mean and run away. And when u think you got it under control they pull the blanket out from under you and run away again.unless there is a law where you are that says you can tie him up like a hog. Then its all a crap shoot! Do what you feel is best and take your best shot. Try and figure out if he’s up or down before you contact him. Even though I’m confused by that too. Try when you think he may be close to normal. Good luck.
Hi Lost and Found,
Thank you for this. Yes, the mention of “love” sends them running away. When he came back last year he told me not to ever mention the word ‘love’ and everything would be fine. Stupid me, I didn’t listen. I was so in love with him that it often would blurt out. I have just emailed him, just a short “I miss you”. I am hoping for a reply, but I don’t think he will. I will keep you posted. Thank you for your encouragement.
Hi Josie….I, like you didn’t realise this, I never told my BP ex I loved him, never made my feelings clear and he always came back to me, this time for the first time ever just before we got back together I told him how I felt and it has now ended, a break up far worst than any of the other break ups….because of the love word, it brings pressure and commitment with it and he cant do that!
I dont know if he will come back this time (we have had contact, its been 4 weeks, with no mention of love) but the goal posts have moved, I no longer want this kind of relationship, I want him, yes… oh yes, but I cant live life on the edge….
I would email in the early days several times, I never had one response, now I just leave it, I text once a week asking “are you ok?” and then I wait….
…..only this time, the waiting s over!!
Omg I hope I don’t encourage you to get yourself in trouble lol. I tryed everything that I could. My best effort was to bob and weave and head things off. But when they set there mind on leaving then the fun really beguins they will come up with plan after plan in order to cause or creat a problem where they can use it against you in order to leave. And if your quick enough to screw up there plans then they will try try again until the answer for you from them as to why they are leaving you will be the dumbest most stupid reason that will leave you in disbelief and shaking your head in amazment and disgust until you are so tired you could sleep standing up. Best of luck. See you soon 😉
Josie
am so sorry I didnt see your previous post re Beg them to come back .
look I have been at the begging place too , i have been at the wanting place as well. sometimes it works other times it doesnt. it really depends on who they have met !
they do tend to like to surprise you , expect the unexpected with them so any predictable behaviour just doesnt happen.
U can beg if u think he is open to that , but who is it going to hurt more , I dont think him , because when u beg u lose your dignity. They can also repsond with anger because its not really what they want & they feel trapped . just understand roots or no roots u know him better than other women at this point. which u may be able to use to your advantage
we all on here have struggled with the make contact or not , but the obvious remains …if they really wanted u they would contact u . If they dont its because they are playing a new game. I have often thought & wondered what he gets up to & should I contact him over the years but the truth is IT HURTS to be rejected . We know if they made contact with us we wouldnt reject them because we are in love with them . But if you seriously think about this issue do u want to be in PAIN again
i think not regards Bittersweet
This is so true, it is exactly how it happens when they are leaving, they are leaving, there is nothing you can say or do, they will come up with a plan and you will walk straight in to it as I have done many times…..
ie: You called me too much? You didnt call me enough? You didnt text on time? You made me feel not enough? You dont understand me?
They were all the reasons he left me, in a normal relationship you would say “sorry” but in a BP relationship theses are reasons they will never talk to you again….they hate you….they no longer love you??
…..and then you will sit there in disbelief thinking what did I do, am I really so bad, am I a hateful bitch?
Terri left a msg Thursday on my Home Phone that I just got…
“Hello Mr.S______s (used my last name)”
It was long and nice, but matter-of-factly.
it seems that she has forgotten certain things that we discussed just last week, and it seems by her message that she is willing to let me go trick or treating with the kids but she needs to know what I plan on doing as she needs to make arrangements for it to happen (get rid of the boyfriend temporarily???) …
I don’t know. She sounds good, but the call seemed all “business” and she did a great job of covering all of the topics.
She DID mention that once she gets a new phone, and that she IS trying to do this now…she will make the kids available to talk to me as much as I would like….Hmmm.
She seems a bit distant though….I enjoyed listening to her voice I have to admit.
Q: IS THERE ANY WAY THAT ANYONE ON HERE CAN THINK OF TO GET HER TO WANT TO START FRESH? I MEAN, SHE IS SEEING THIS 17 YEAR OLD KID-WHAT UP WITH THAT? BUT, WHAT CAN I DO TO GET HER TO WANT TO GIVE US A CHANCE??? MUST I SIMPLY WAIT UNTIL THE SMOKE CLEARS OR WAIT FOR HER TO INITIATE THINGS?
WHAT IF SHE NEVER LETS ME KNOW? WHAT IS A GOOD NO CONTACT BREAKING POINT??? 1 MONTH??? DO I TRY AND TAKE HER OUT TO LUNCH OR COFFEE AT THAT POINT AND SEE HOW IT GOES?? IS SHE POSSIBLY JUST GOING TO CALL ME ONE DAY AND BE HER OLD SELF???
I HATE WITH A PASSION THIS NO CONTACT CRAP…I KNOW…I KNOW….IT’S FOR THE BEST RIGHT NOW….
I MISS HER AND THE KIDS SO VERY MUCH, IT HURTS.
GOING TO A CONCERT WITH AN OLD FRIEND TOMORROW IN ANOTHER STATE…WE’LL HAVE A BLAST!! i WISH TERRI WAS GOING AS PLANNED. OH, WELL.
INPUT AND INSIGHTS WELCOME FOLKS! THANKS.
Raan
am sorry it is getting so hard for u , but she is making contact surely that is a positive sign . its when they cease all contact u know they have moved on ..the balls in your court & possibly the best way to handle this is just to be polite but UNavailable. Not too pushy , but just be there when she rings or return her calls if she rings to talk to you , but if she is just ringing for money or because she wnats something only u can determine that. chances are upon taking more meds or if they are changed or worse still if she goes off them altogether she may crash & burn . U do have roots together & that is a reason to be in touch on a regular basis , as long as u dont put pressure on her .Starting fresh is only going to take time for both of you & maybe some struggle with her personal circumstances….they do tend to RUN from things ..so after a while she will have either burnt all her bridges there or she will be sick of who she is with ..it depends on what happens where she is , from my experience they do tend to move on fairly quickly from the situations they are in , so if you look at it logically & in the big picture she will soon get tired of what she is doing.
hope this helps regards bittersweet
Raan
If I was you I’d keep in contact with her. Try not to bring up anything to stress her(getting back together) and keep yourself within the fold. Or you will be shuffled to the bottom or possibly right out of the deck. They prioritize things. And out of site is out of mind just don’t fall apart when you see her. Its bound to happen but just do the best you can. I wouldn’t cut myself off. Take my advice or don’t take it. Its up to you.
Raan, I know you hate this no contact but look what you are achieving, within the week she is now trying to contact you, she is leaving you messages and she has calmed down?
Hello Mr S______rs is a term of endearment. I often use that when I feel happy and at ease with a partner.
There is nothing you can do or say to get her back, she will come back when she is ready, when she feels she can, when she is comfortable in her head….and yes, one day she will just contact you, and you will know she is trying to get back in your life!
You know why she has a 17 year old…..but I will tell you again:
1. He doesn’t question her.
2. He is a kid she can get away with anything she wants.
3. He is going to be very sexually active….he is 17?
4. He is simple, he has no expectations of her.
5. She doesn’t love him….she doesn’t have to worry about being hurt!
If you really want her back you have to wait, its a long waiting game, I waited 6 months once and Bittersweet waited 4 years!!
If you want my opinion you are doing the right thing at the moment you are trying to get strong you need to work on that, you are not contacting her, if she contacts you then talk to her she has approached you, chat, keep it simple, be kind, don’t ask her back, don’t pester her, don’t question her, don’t argue under no circumstances, if she tries to start something calmly tell her you have to go can she call later when she has calmed down and you will continue the conversation.
I have said before Raan this is hard work, it always works for me, he always comes back, its up to you, if you want to go through this and keep going through it?
We all replied at the same time Raan and we have all said basically the same things…..Dont cut her off, but dont pester her……just wait!!
Haha the word love played a large part in my relationship. I would tell her I love her all the time even before she said she loves me 🙂 I even asked her once before having sex if she would mind me telling her that I love her during sex. She said yes I can and so I did 🙂 and she loved it. With in minutes I had her screaning out my name telling me she LOVES me lol. During regular talk she would call me love and asked if it was ok. When ever she would advance the relationship to the next level. (I never asked her too) she would say am I ok with it? She’d say does it freak me out? She always advaned our relationship on her own. I think she advanced it to the point where instead of freaking me out it got to her. Also her 12yr old son secretly held a grudg against me. She told me once after we all went out to dinner together that her son was mad that she hugged me in the parking lot when we left. Her daughter also voiced her opinion in the same way once and she told her she could move back with her father. They both stopped until they saw she was going into her change and then both kids but mostly the son started to go bizerk and giving her a hard time and that is when I feel she started to drift away… The deeper she went into her thing the worse the boy got. Until she could not deal with it anymore and cut me lose… Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time dealing with what happend? I have too many what if’s and could have should haves… I hate to say this but I hope that little brat gets his heart broken until his little pea brain realizes the pain he feels is the same if not worse then what he did to me and his mom. Maybe oneday the boy will wake up and realize he has been a ass. I know u ladies will say I’m not right for saying this but this same punk also tryed to get my son hit by a car! He’s a heartless spoiled brat. Maybe also BP?
Omg yeah they love using the witheld or anonymous number, my phone too has been rang by 3 differnet mobile numbers and anonymous constantly day and night for over 2 weeks now. texting and leaving messages. asked me if i get the same messages from the tv as him, sounds more like schizophrenia to me. but anyway he told me via text that all the times he was nasty and horrible to me all these years was because he loved someone else and would i tell her, and she is a freind of mine by the way, i said no i wouldnt- erm why would i?? he said it was the least i could do – erm am i missing something here???? anyway to cut a long story short he rang to tell her and i have spoken to her since, and she told him where to go and that he was a weirdo, omg. now i get texts saying that we stitched him up together and played him like a pawn for a long time???? delusional??? he said i knew all along which i clearly never!!! when i asked why he was telling me all this now and said he should of told me, he said that his different personalities love different people??? erm???? what the hell????? dissociation??? any one any idea WTF??? xxxx
Good to see you all by the way and i see we have moved lol heheh xxxxx
Hi michelle. Yup they are buck wild lol. I give up for now on there silly asses. They remember they forget they forget to remember lol. But they never lose a number or a pick up line. They never forget the percieved shafting they think they got from us but yet they don’t give a shit about the hurt they put us through. Its all fine and good and after all we asked for it or made them doit lmfao. Who is the squerrel here and who’s the nut? I may start telling people I’m bp too this way they won’t hold it against me when I fu-k em and run away 😉 omg I think I’m losing it again ohhh well. Maybe I’ll rattle her windows this wkend just for the fun of it or go trick or treats at her house lmao.
Maybe some truth in that Lost but where’s the fun in always running…..
Remember you can only PULL and PUSH whilst you have the looks and the running legs….what happens then?
Where do all the old BP’s go??
…..and I am a squirrel.. 😉
Hi michelle. Yup they are buck wild lol. I give up for now on there silly asses. They remember they forget they forget to remember lol. But they never lose a number or a pick up line. They never forget the perceived shafting they think they got from us but yet they don’t give a shit about the hurt they put us through. Its all fine and good and after all we asked for it or made them doit lmfao. Who is the squirrel here and who’s the nut? I may start telling people I’m bp too this way they won’t hold it against me when I fu-k em and run away 😉 omg I think I’m losing it again ohhh well. Maybe I’ll rattle her windows this wkend just for the fun of it or go trick or treats at her house lmao.
If they don’t get capped or do themself in then they prob just commit homicide and get put away? If they go way off the wall they may be committed or something? I no longer think they go north to be with the other bipolar bears 🙂
I’m sorry. Sometimes I try to take the edg off the situation with a little of my dumb humor. There life expectency is around the same as a heavy smoker or less. Disease. Suicide. Jail. Mentel health facility. Smoking drinking drugs ect. Its not good on the big spectrum.
He text me the weekend told me the doctor said he was going to die ( didnt give any more details….said he wasnt going to talk about it!)
He’s a heavy smoker…roll ups no tips!
He’s a heavy drinker.
Has lost half his stomach!
Once told me he didnt want get old?
Faced death many times….they make good soldiers!
I’m so sorry wishing. I talk a lot of shit sometimes it helps me to pretend that things don’t bother me. But they do. We are here because we have become super attached to someone and have very pure and very sincere feelings. I would not wish anything bad on anyone. I am always here for you when ever you want to talk. I’m not so tough just a big jerk that got his ass beat by the cutest little bp girl iv ever seen in my entire life. Yes they must make for a real kick ass soldier. Task oriented remember? XxOo
No value of life…is more like the right answer?
You dont have apologize, you talk a lot of sense too!
We all pretend it doesnt bother us, I am planning dinner with someone new, pretending everything is normal, only already I am panicking….
I am just wondering how many Bipolar traits am I going to take with me in to other relationships, like if he doesn’t call will I imagine hes gone? After the times we get close will I imagine he will run away? When I call him will I be waiting for a big argument to start if I haven’t called on time? Will I have to watch what I am saying all the time? Will I not have to question him, when maybe he will want me too? Will he tell me he loves me, then 4 hours later tells me he hates me??
……and in 6 months time when my ex BP calls and tells me hes sorry and he now has his life in order and he wants me back again, will I be the one running…..back again??
Regrettably the answer may be yes to quit a few of the things you said.But in other things you will feel relief. I have been in two failed relationships and out with more woman since she left then most people date in a life time. I put bipolar guys to shame lol while they are hiding out somewhere depressed I keep moving. You will have learned both negetive and positive aspects of people. Best thing is for me to keep quit.just try not to be too critical or judgmentle on new people. Just go into any new relationship with the thought that you are wanting to be friends first. And see where it leads 🙂 will you run when he calls? Will I run when she calls? Umm maybe but we both know what will happen and maybe we will reach our fill and move on?
I, like you, have dated a lot, after every break up I tried to forget, I never found what I was looking for and I moved on, very easily??
You must forgive, I have always forgiven, almost immediately, because I know he is ill but that doesnt make it right, it doesnt mean they can do as they want but its up to us to decide how much we are prepared to take and I know I cant take no more!
Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley
Thought I had Lost…..thought I had!!!
terri called today. I answered it. She asked if I am still in Atlanta, and I told her no, we were back. She asked who i took and I told her a “friend” she asked if I took that blond on my myspace page. I changed the subject and she asked if she was still here. I said my friend was gone and she asked if she was my girlfriend. i told her no. In truth, my friend russ was still here, but she thinks I took a lady friend. Seemed annoyed actually.
She wanted to borrow 10 bucks…told me she was stranded and out of gas, and had no one else to ask for the money. I told her I am sorry about her problem. She put the kids on and they talked with me for a bit. My daughter hung up playing with the keys.terri called right back and asked me again for the money. I asked her why her boyfriend isn’t giving her the money she needs and said this wouldn’t ever happen were she with me. She got quiet. Then, she got mad. Said she wants all of her stuff back. Said she was wanting her car back i use. She has the title on it, but it is and has been my car since we bought the van for her. She got a lil nastier. I asked her, so…unless i give you ten dollars, you are going to take my car? She said that she put a lot into our relationship too, like buying the above ground pool, and I said, well…take it if you want it then. She got quiet. I said, well terri…if it’s going to be you take my car vs. 10 bucks…well-I’ll send you ten bucks. I told her if you take the car, I can’t make any money and if I make no money, then YOU get no money from me for child support. She got quiet again. She said I ought to have that blond from the myspace page buy me a car then. I told her I do not have a girlfriend. I said, I am treating you like “business” because it’s how you have been treating me. I said that you have been so matter of factly about this whole thing…so cold and distant, like it matters nothing to you…so unemotional. So…businesslike, so that’s how I am treating you as this seems to be the pattern you want to take.
I asked about the halloween night and trick or treating with the kids and she said that I ought to just come up on the 30th and spend time with the kids. I can see them at her mom’s – I get the impression that she doesn’t either want me to see where she lives (I’ve been to these projects before and ughh, but I have already seen them-not hers, but)or she doesn’t want me to meet this 17 year old boyfriend for whatever reason.
Everything was so difficult with her. She put the kids back on and I talked with them. Sophie hung up on the phone.
15 minutes later, I called back on the number she dialed me on…she picked it up. I said. Terri, I have one thing to say to you…
YOU are the love of my life, and mean more to me than anything on this Earth. You are my soul-mate, and I love you more than you will EVER know. She got quiet for about an entire minute. After, she said I am sorry and excuse me. I think she was crying. After another few moments of silence, i said, Terri- I LOVE you. She said “I know” in a low bummed out voice. It got quiet again. She then said, Raan…Are you coming up the 30th, (I thought we covered this, but???) I said yes, but I was hoping to go trick or treating with the kids on halloween, but I don’t want to make you or your boyfriend uncomfortable…she said, forget it(she didn’t want to earlier)…you can. I said thanks.
I don’t think I want to go trick or treating with this boy-friend there, so in a few days, I’ll probably mention this.
She called back about 5 minutes later to tell me that she has a home phone now, so I can call whenever I like to talkmwith my kids. She wanted me to call tonight, but I told her tomorrow is better. She said that 7-ish was best each night.
I don’t know if today was good that I established boundaries or not, but threatening to take away my car because of my unwillingness to give her 10 bucks is ridiculous.
I can only imagine tonight when she got home that she is chewing out this kid because he isn’t taking care of her needs and them getting into a fight over it….Nice to dream about, eh?
I don’t think she can support herself long term in this situation she created this last few weeks. I think when Sophie comes to live here for the next 4-6 weeks that without my child support money coming as long as Sophie is here, new bills that are going to come due, Christmas coming, and now a phone bill on top of all this that she won’t make it. She mentioned this in the first call even….about how tough it’s going to be. I told her today that she put herself in this situation and that I wish that she understood how important FAMILY is and how she should have tried to work things out for our Family, and not just left without giving me a chance to work things out if she was truly unhappy. No comment.
DID I DO GOOD TODAY?
IS THIS GOING TO JUST MAKE HER MADDER AT ME OR PERHAPS MAKE HER REALIZE THE ERROR OF HER WAYS LEAVING ME?
WILL THIS BRING HER BACK TO ME PERHAPS OR DRIVE HER AWAY FURTHER?
I wonder if she even WAS out of gas…she didn’t seem to want it after I gave in over the car.
Observation…she seemed really annoyed I perhaps went out with this blond that commented on my myspace page about me being “hot”…thinks we’re going out…and it’s bugging her.
and,
it REALLY annoyed her when i said, why don’t you ask your boyfriend for money…we’re not together anymore. It’s his job. She even said, I really don’t appreciate your comment you last said when I said it. I told her, well…it’s his job now, and while it wouldn’t be this way if we were together, that’s HIS job now.
What do you people think? I felt AWFUL telling her no today. I feel terrible even now, and want to ask her “baby, just come home and we’ll work all of this out and I promise to make you happier than you have ever been…something tells me to just give her space and make contact to as little as possible….I want to tell her what I feel for her soooo bad.
Give her time? My uncle seems to think she’ll crack with no money and things getting harder. I don’t know…I want to believe she will return…I also think she is gone for good.
Blah.
ANY SUGGESTIONS???
Raan Raan Raan U did GREAT my friend, am very happy for you .
Ok lets just keep the cards like they are being played in this game, now, & see what happens
Wow U DID GOOD ..I feel for you & her ..
regards
Bittersweet
Bittersweet wrote:
Ok lets just keep the cards like they are being played in this game, now, & see what happens
WHAT do I do now bittersweet? Not call but once a week perhaps? Does it sound like I am making any progress? What do you think of her actions now?
I KNOW that she loves me still…the jealousy stuff today spoke volumes, but she is with this kid still…living with him…
I guess she has been looking at my myspace page…there is a blond good looking woman that has commented she likes me. She is rather good looking herself. Is this a good thing that she is looking at my profile? i think so, but ???
WHAT DO I DO NOW????
Raan
just remain indifferent, but keep doing what you are doing. they are hard work , tho but she is contacting you that is a good sign ..Just dont start trying to control her let her think she is deciding to come back on her own …also like we originally said she will tire of the kids 24/7 she will eventually need a break
you are in a good place ..making progress.
regards
Bittersweet
Raan, did you miss my last email, here is some of it again…. I know you hate this no contact but look what you are achieving, within the week she is now trying to contact you, she is leaving you messages and she has calmed down, she is even showing signs of jealousy?
There is “nothing” you can do or say to get her back, she will come back when she is ready, when she feels she can, when she is comfortable in her head…
You know why she has a 17 year old…..but I will tell you again:
1. He doesn’t question her.
2. He is a kid she can get away with anything she wants.
3. He is going to be very sexually active….he is 17?
4. He is simple, he has no expectations of her.
5. She doesn’t love him….she doesn’t have to worry about being hurt!
If you really want her back you have to wait, its a long waiting game, I waited 6 months once and Bittersweet waited 4 years!!
If you want my opinion you are doing the right thing at the moment you are trying to get strong you need to work on that, you are not contacting her, if she contacts you then talk to her, she has approached you, chat, keep it simple, be kind, don’t ask her back, don’t pester her, don’t question her, don’t argue under no circumstances, if she tries to start something calmly tell her you have to go can she call later when she has calmed down and you will continue the conversation.
As for the money thing you must pay what is legally required for your child, if you child needs stuff and she has no money then send what stuff she needs…..dont bail her out of everything, but help her where you can? Giving her the cash is not always a good idea…..they spend unwisely…is Sophie needs shoes then you buy the shoes dont just send the money!!
I have said before Raan this is hard work, it always works for me, he always comes back, its really up to you, if you want to go through this and keep going through it?
REPLY
I am feeling very bad today….nothing is going well in my life right now, and with Terri gone too…and the kids…I am so frickin depressed.
She wants me to call tonight, and talk with Brandon (the oldest boy).
I don’t know if it is best to leave her be and make her wonder “why isn’t he calling?”
or…
call and talk with my oldest son?
IF I call, I am in the frame of mind to profess my most loving feelings for her…I want to talk with her…tell her how madly in love I am with her…
She knows…I know.
Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm. I hate life right now, and I am usually the most happy and good attitude man….
This crap is eating away at me like a cancer.
Tomorrow, I will try and be more optimistic and have a better attitude.
Any more advice?
Raan I am going to say this as gently and as honest as I possibly can and you can take my advice or you can discount it. Yes call and talk to your son. But I’m telling you do not open up with the I love you stuff and going deep into that. I am going to tell you that love scares them it hurts them and at this point its like hitting her over the head with a I love you club. Please just call. Talk to your sons your daughter and then do the romantic thing and tell her only once before you hang up that you love her. And then go have some time and vent your feelings. Vent your feelings its ok and its healthy to do. Sometimes I feel like I am wounded animal.
Lost is so right Raan….I have never told my Ex I love him ( and he also told me the same!) until the last time we got back together, it was a massive mistake because we had the worst break up ever and I know he is not coming back this time.
He told me he hates me and he has never done that before, he said he hates me because I F— Up his head?
Before I was simple….I put him under no pressure, he didn’t know if I loved him, he knew I cared but he didn’t have to live up to anything, now he thinks LOVE means being hurt….him as well as me….and its true because now we both hurt!!
DONT DO RAAN, IT WONT HELP!
Wishing well
so well said ..I agree totally
Any time I have ever poured out my heart via email or text I usually dont get any response or a one word answer. With ‘ Normal ‘ relationships the partner does respond to warm words & u do have to remember she is not going to do what u think she will.
Its mostly like a game to them to entertain themselves , at your expense & it does SUCK majorly but whats the alternative BEG & GET nothing except silence or arguments ..pls understand she is not like u , she doesnt think like u , dont be a try hard or just like monopoly u will go back to jail ..
regards
Bittersweet
Wow folks alot has happened in 2 days. Don’t shoot me, but, I’m not too sure all this begging, forgiving, lovey dovey stuff is the way to go. Don’t get me wrong I understand being lonely, I understand wanting things to be the way they used to be but you gotta have a little more self respect. Sorry.
I sure wish a few of us folks could meet each other. Relationships gotta be healthy ones. I’m not too sure being involved in one that is one way is the best thing for anyone. I tried using my kids as an excuse to stay involved but it will eventually will tear you down as a person. Sure don’t hope we have masochistic (sp) tendencies or not enough hope to think we can have a better person in ours lives.
This is a Mental illness we are dealing, these people need long term stable care. Let’s not get too excited about any one thing that they say or do to give us false hope. We all know how the dance goes and yes it includes a dip and very often a drop.
Yes it would be nice to meet some of the sweethearts that are on here. I actually took off a half day yesterday and went on two dates. I’m in dating hypordrive lol. The first girl was nice but not really my type and the second girl was a neat little package and we hit it off really well. I do not bring up any of this stuff when I go out. There is better out there. We just need to find it.if these people were really meant to stay with us they would make the effort to get treatment and they would be with us. Its sad and its a shame but it is what it is 🙂
Brilliant…..I love a happy ending….lol :-0
I am a sweetheart…..but I am guessing there is a big pond between us?? 😉 xx
L&F,
That’s cool. Yea, you gotta get out there and meet new people. I know it’s full of anxiety and fear at times. It’s easy to lock to someone especially if you are Obsessive compulsive (OCD). One girl used to call up to 20-30 times while I was at work. Yea, babe I still love ya, (Ya, I say it, doesn’t get em running) but gotta get some work done.
Yes sometimes its hard to get motivated enough to even want to go out. But I go anyway. Convince myself I’m going for a ride. Things change once I’m moving along. Yesterday I took one girl out in the hopes of what? I havnt got a clue lol. The second girl I met on line and she was awesome. Way better then expected and we hung out for a few hrs made plans to meet agin this weekend on saterday. Then I got home fired up my computer and made a date with christine for friday night next weekend. Am I being honest? Yes I am. Told each girl that I am looking for a partner and I’m doing the dating thing. Take a number and I’ll call you back lol 😉 but I’m thinking I have my eyes on the girl I met last night. I’ll see where it goes. Yeah I still glance around for my bpgirl she was the shit. I guess I am attracted to the rebelious and wild types. I notice very few of the woman I date do not have tattoo’s. Hmm intresting cause I have them too 😉
Its the old line….. “Plenty of Fish”….. hey Lost?? 😉
Most likely wish 😦 I am in new york. Its a big pond but it seems so close on here. 🙂 I am bringing my kids back to there mom now I ttyl. You guys are my extended family all of ya 😉 love you guys!
Love you too Lost, I am in England …. wouldnt it be nice to all keep in touch and see it through to the happy ending?? I have only got through the last 4 weeks because of all of you with your help and advise and care! x
I’m just trying to keep moving hoping and a wishing 🙂 I have learned a hard lesson each time I try to move ahead and fail. Each time I learn something I can use to make the next person in my life happy and in return all I want is to be happy too.
You will be, we all will be because we have learnt so much about people, our day will come! 😉
Hey wish you ever see a movie called the breakfast club? That’s us lol. We pulled into Disfunction junction and our trains jumped track or like michelle once said welcome to the hotel california.
I haven’t but I am sure going to watch it now!!
I am in the early stages of my break up and I am not even sure its over yet!! Its been 5 weeks almost but we have had contact and it has been civil!
I am starting again though, I have had two dates with the same person and a third is going to happen I think, I have also had a couple of other dates that I knew immediately would come to nothing, like you… Lost, you know the immediate attraction, the one we all had with our Bipolar Ex’s?
Most of us are too old for messing about, playing games and dating endlessly, we just want to find a partner and after what we have been through we deserve to be happy!!
Yea, never stop learning, never stop wanting to learn. I thought I used to ask the stupidiest questions. Many times they were situational, why did she do this when I did that? what was she thinking? Well, she wasn’t thinking she was bored and just reacting, there was no thought into why she did something. Spock would have gone crazy.
If I say this shes going to get upset and even more pissed off then she is now, well tough cookies. You want act like a jackass, I’ve got to say hey jackass, what up?
And that memory loss, plz, very nice. Let me kick you in the cooyons, rip out your heart, dance on it and then wake up in the morning and ask if we’re still going shopping after work. Yea, we’re going shopping. Shopping for some new meds to keep you stable.
hey wish is it me or does the thought of moving on make you sad too? I just got all choked up and teary eyed at the thought of moving on away from where I’m at. That’s not normal is it?
Yes, you are normal….you have feelings!!
You also had hopes and dreams and thats the bit you cant move away from…..its the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN?……WHAT IF?….. IF ONLY? syndrome!
Yes, moving on makes me sad, I have never had memories like this before, I have never had feelings like this before but I have never had PAIN like this before either!
Maybe we may never find what we had ( that would be an interesting post…. “Has anyone ever moved on and found the same intense love again with a normal person?” ) but we have to move on because we know…..well we know, what we know…..DONT WE? 😉
Your Serotonin level must be getting low.
Thank you mark for the reminder. I need to be reminded on a daily basis of what was and what is. I think that the rougher our lives were in the past the softer our hearts get towards the people and things we love. Iv been shot at more times then I care to remember. Hit by a car so many fights in my youth. Arms torn from sockets knifed slashed and robbed. Gang fights race riots and my wrist slashed open by broken glass. And yet I would think twice about snuffing out a bug. Its crazyness I’m up and I’m down and it is what it is and I’m fooling myself everyday that the happy ending will come my way. I want it I need it and I fear it will never come to me. I won’t settle for second best and I’m so fucked up sometimes. Does bp rub off on a person? Wtf. I was happy two hrs ago and now I’m down again. What will it take to be happy with in my own skin?
I will check into that mark. I think low potasium too. Sometimes I eat bananas and it makes me feel better. Either that or iv gone off the deep end. Tomorrow will be a better day then today right?
Yea, tommorrow will be better. Hell, you may be better in 15 mins, watch an episode of Seinfeld, put on some music. The mind is so complex, you may want to really go fanatic and mood chart. Sometimes, it is link to food, time of day, etc. Mine, damn was my med, Coors Light. I drank to stop the thinking, the mind racing, the anxiety. And when I woke up in the am depressed from pouring a depression toxin in my system half the night, whats was I supposed to feel like? An athelete?
Yeah you are right mark. I sort of lay there some nights not in a real sleep I usually get up before my alarm rings at 445am. Sometimes I just conk out during the day. If I drink it can go either way. Either I get tired and can sleep or it wakes me up like rocket fuel. Also had two back operations so can’t stay sleeping in one spot too long. A friend of mine found out he had lung cancer last month and od’d himself into a heart attack. I don’t wanna go that rout. I have young kids they don’t need to deal with that. I’ll get to bed early tonight and hope for a good nights sleep. Thanks for the wake up call. I’m snapping up out of it now. Good.
Let me tell ya a secret. Your thoughts are YOUR choice. No matter what people say to you or do to you. Now, I’m not saying, bust out laughing driving by a plane crash, but you get my point.
Crosby just scored, so I’m happy. Yes, I’m in Pittsburgh.
That’s kool. Your not so far away from me your state has its share of trouble too. I once knew a girl from maryland she was crazy as they come. This chick heard voices and thought everyone was talking about her including people on the radio she was stalking some radio dj. And when I cought up with her one night in jersey she put a 380 auto in my face. There some scary people out there man and sometimes all you can do is shake your head and laugh. But how this little 110lb bpgirl broke me? Again all I can do is sit here and grin on my face thinking about the good times I had. I’m gonna hit the hay now. I’ll catch you guys on the rebound. Gnight
There are some scary people out there Lost but it is all lessons to be learnt….
During a break up with my EX I went on a date, we met on the internet too, we started talking and calling/texting for about 2 weeks before we met, I felt quite close to him, then we had a couple of dates and by the third date I knew…..HE WAS BIPOLAR TOO!!
Knowledge is never wasted….. 😉
Hi Wishing Well/ Lost and Found, Robert, everyone:
Remember I didn’t know whether to contact my bp or not?
Well I did. I emailed him saying I missed him. The following day he emailed me saying : “please don’t send me any more emails.”
I replied: “as you wish. goodbye/ plus his name.”Do you guys think I did the right thing?
Do you think it’s truly over?
Could he actually contact me after that?
josie , am not sure why u emailed , how long since u have had contact with this person , they are nasty sons of bitched if you ask me anyway . at least u got your answer a polite way of saying fuk off I guess . at least he didnt say that ..they get angry then they feel bad next it will be sorry but ,….I wouldnt worry too much about his stupid answer anyway , he is not happy , will he ever be happy ? I think not ? and why blame yourself noone is to blame for being kind & gentle as u r . In 10 years time he will still be stuck in the same drainpipe he is in now , and hopefully u will have moved onto a more fulfilling relationship than what this ass has to offer ..dont worry about him
regards Bittersweet
Hi Josie,
Your post made me go all cold, funny how they all use the same words…..that could have been sent by my Ex.
I received exactly the same replys….DONT CONTACT ME AGAIN…LEAVE ME ALONE….PLEASE GO AWAY….I DONT NEED YOU!
Yes, in my opinion you did the right thing, its what I do, I put “OK, FINE, I WILL GO THEN” and I go…I check in a week later see how he’s feeling or he calls me, or sometimes I just dont bother!
No, its not over!
….and yes he may contact you again, depending on how much he really does need you?
I had exactly those words sent on Christmas Morning… three days later I had ” Sorry babe, its called panic”
I have had them since, the worst ones being the last break up….
He may contact you it depends whether he will move on to the next person, or whether you mean enough to him for him to contact you….you can never tell, they dont think as we do!
My Ex started adding women to his MSN as soon as we were over this time, he then contacted me a week later…..he knows he can chase other women and find some sort of satisfaction but he also knows they wont give him everything I gave him….
Once I asked him ” What do you want from me?” he replied ” EVERYTHING….BUT I JUST CANT HANDLE IT!”
Josie
Three months into not seeing her I’d figured she would be coming down off of what ever point it was that she broke off with me I thought it a good time to drop her an email just to say hello. She wrote me back the exact same reply you had recived except added to mine was the fact that she has moved on and I need to do the same. Oh yeah also that she has no hard feelings against me? Wtf? I guess in there minds we have all been the bad guys guilty of doing something to them? Its now been eight full months since she left me and no contact at all. For me being told not to write her anymore was hurtful. They don’t seem to understand that after falling in love and sharing all the intimate talks we had and everything that it should be ok to remain atleast friends? When we are gone from there lives or no longer needed for sex or what ever we are really gone. And that’s where I first asked this question above(Do bipolar people have feelings?)Apparently they do but not for us. Its very sad but I guess sadness is also only left for us. I told her I would go away but that she is in my heart now and it will take time to recover from her. I recived no reply. And here I am eight months later still a basket case at times. I sujest you find a new guy that you feel an attraction to and build a relationship new. There are other men out there who desurve and desire a caring loving person and I am one of them only its a lot harder for me it seems because even though I’m not a prize I have become sort of picky in what and who I want to be with. I am not as carefree as I used to be mainly because I do not ever want to use a person only for greedy sex and then take off leaving them hurt like I was. But I know there are many woman out there the type that I like that will leave me hanging or aleast that’s what I have been finding. Where I live there are the ultra rich and the ultra poor and I am lost somewhere between the two. I wish I could find someone who is pretty and not in need of anything but a good man that would die for them if need be. But I haven’t.
Can I just say LOST..without you taking offence….you will find someone, who is pretty and doesn’t need anything from you but YOU, when you have digested these words into your head….and these words came from a sixteen year old boy who may see life a little different to us old people….
…..HE SAID, “STOP COMPARING” and I have digested them, I know the next person or maybe several people wont be the SAME but everyone has SOMETHING and do we really want the SAME?
Wow wishing bitter/babe trust and michelle now josie. We are like exact copies of each other when it comes to our wants and needs. Bitter/babe finds another bipolar bear online. I keep finding similar. Do we find them or is it they find us? Now I found someone I would like to make it work. Its only been one date and she told me she’s happy we met. I texted her a few times yesterday and then decided to back off. I am afraid that a normal person will not be receptive to my type of wanting to be close already? I didn’t text her last night to allow room for her. Now I’m afraid to over do anything with her. I think the living from one extreme to the next has in some way rubbed off on me? Wouldn’t it be nice to have two bipolar partners that could alternate between there highs and lows? When one takes off the other stays and when its her turn to run away the other stays? Lol I know they all demand to be the only one in our life even while they are off cheating lol. But its just a pipe dream of mine 🙂
hi guys ..I dont know about these texts u r all receiving
I was never told ‘to go away , or stop contacting me ‘
I was never told I dont love u ‘ or that he had moved on ‘ he did say that he couldnt love me the way i wanted him too ‘ but not those ones ..mine has only ever text cryptic statements …’ what the world needs now’ etc
other than that all i ever got was a big fat nothing
my BP was master of silence .. he wouldnt respond to a text or email for 1 week but that was as worse as it got there . am not entirely sure i could handle text like those , maybe my BP was not sooooo bad after all
Naaaaaa cant be the no contact finished me ..
If anyone is interested too there is a site called
http://www.livingmanicdepression.com a bit of insight into what they feel & think
kind regards
Bittersweet
No, I have had that too, the ignoring, he does “eventually” ( lol Bitterbabe! ) reply because I think he knows in his head…..somewhere near the back…..that if he doesn’t I WILL WALK or RUN maybe, because on our very first date I told him ” I only text someone three times, if they don’t reply… I walk!!
He HAS always replied by the third….MEMORY WORKS SOMETIMES…hey?
Bittersweet…..he wasnt sooooo bad eh…..
Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her. But don’t make her fall, if you don’t plan to catch her……. 😉 xx
I am in just the same position as you Lost, I have met someone who could be special, you can tell, cant you? BUT I am too wondering how to play the “normal game”
I wont text him first because I am scared of getting too close, I dont want him to think I am “chasing him” we have dated twice and been chatting emailing/texting for 2 months now, he texts me and I always think before I open it “what will it say….it could be GO AWAY?”
He did say to me on our last date, you dont call, men must think you dont care about them?
Where is the medium?
We have had, when in its good days, very intense relationships, we have had very powerful love and lovemaking, I dont know if anything will ever “compare” to this but we have no choice, if you want to get off the roller-coaster then you gotta ride the bus for a while and see? 😉
Wishing/trust/michelle/mark/josie/and anyone else that comes here even an angry bipolar bear. I always take what you guys say in a good way. I’m with my friends in a safe place when I’m here with you guys. Even if its something I may not want to hear I know its all for the good and I never take offence. I agree with your friend the 16yr old. And I’m glad you brought that to the front of my mind because I need to hear it. I know this comparison thing is a fault that causes me to not only fail in a new relationship but to also find partners that are not good. I mean if I am looking for the same good traits I found in bpgirl I will most likely end up with another bpgirl. This is the kind of support that I look for from you guys. Its easy for me to tell others and then turn around and make all of the same mistakes iv made in the past all over again. Is this a bipolar trait I have adopted? I get back into another bad relationship and do not even realise I am in a pattern? Is this how they feel? Am I one of them and do not know it? What the hell happened?
The 16 year old is my son….he is standing back and observing what I am doing, sometimes it takes someone else to see what you are doing and you cant see it yourself, your not Bipolar, you are making the same mistakes because you are looking for the same person……you are “comparing”
We will all compare, we all want back what we have lost…..the good times:
Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life. You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, even months analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together. Justifying what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on. ♥
Yup bitterbabe you know the old saying if you can’t say anything good say nothing at all? Well I would have rather got the silent treatment then the ice cold do not write to me anymore! I have moved on from you and you need to do the same. Talk about feeling instant loss and rejection that is how it was for me. After sharing all the sweetness to be told so matter of fact to get lost you mean nothing to me. Its brutal and prob was the most effective way for her to end things fast. But someone tell me again why they go back to dating?
Because Lost perhaps they are looking for what we are but as bittersweet said to me yesterday “they do the same things over and over again”…. and expect different results…..”the definition of insanity” as Albert Einstein once said!!
Wishingwell 🙂
Watch the movie it came out in I think the 80s you will enjoy it and you will get the drift of what I feel about us on this thread compared to the movie 🙂 and its fun to watch I’m sure either way you will like it 🙂 it was always one of my favorits. Get some popcorn sit back and enjoy!
Talking of movies, I saw “Revolutionary Road” the other day ( Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet) have you seen it? Watch it, there’s a guy in it who is Mentally disturbed, his perception of the couple and their relationship is just so spot on???
The mentally disturbed people are just so clever they should never be underestimated, after all could you do what they do?? 😉
Iv only been on one date with this new girl I could easily over do things. Like you I can be very intense and I enjoy it that way. But I caught myself and backed off. Wish if the guy says to you you don’t call isn’t that an invitation to call? I’d call but just be careful not to overdue it. I guess in time we will be able to build on and build up to the intensity we are looking for? I have noticed most woman like that I am a little agressive. Iv been told assertiveness is sexy. Is this true to most woman? The new girl I think also enjoys that I persue her but I don’t want to over do it. Any thoughts on this for me? I totally enjoy it when the woman I like calls and or text me. To me it shows they care:)
Ok one question at a time….without trying to be more offensive, men are difficult, even the normal ones….lol Men like the chase, so women are a little unsure on whether to make contact first…
Assertiveness is a great turn on…it goes back to old fashioned values that most women have tried to get rid of but wish they hadnt….women wont admit that they do still like being looked after, protected, cared for…. pursued.
In times of need, a woman still wants a man to be there to care and look after her, even if they wont admit it to their friends or their men!!
Ask a women what position they like most in bed…..its the one where she feels protected?
I love to be pursued and that’s what makes a Bipolar partner so irresistible, they let all their feelings out to capture you!
And yes, women like aggression in the right form…. dont the most powerful men always get the girl?
…..and thats because she thinks he will be able to love and protect her?
Wish I like your style 🙂 I am going to try and find some sort of middle ground and work from there. I guess each woman is different in what she will or will not respond to so I will try to keep it up beat and not look to find things that may or may not exist check 😉
Good luck….we are both at the same stage now, willing to move on, wanting to move on but finding it hard to put it into practise.
We have issues there is no doubt about that, we will find it a different type of relationship to what we have had, we will have trust issues but we can get through this, we are strong, look what we have been through! 😉
I don’t even know where to start…Terri called this afternoon…went off on me that I haven’t called my children and that I should have the decency to call because they miss their Daddy….i told her that I have been pretty heartbroken over everything and I needed some space. Started screaming at me that I am not too messed up becuase I can take that blond on myspace out to that concert!! I took my friend Russ, but she seems to think I took this woman -I told her I have been and always will be in love with her. I don’t have a girlfriend. screamed at me that i need to step up and get some money together and take care of the boys needs. I told her I didn’t create this situation and I would love to have all of the kids back here…and she said what, I’M supposed to come back too then??? Told me that the middle one has a bad earache and she doesn’t have enough money to pay the THREE dollars…wanted to say that the oldest boy wants to know if I would buy them Halloween costumes, and I told him I already knew what the answer was….I told her I don’t have enough money right now, but I will see what I can do..told me that she wants the playstation…I told her I would call the kids tonight…I was supposed to call them vs. terri calling me because her phone is only local, so I have to call…7ish.
I can’t remember exactly what was said because the two calls that happened were so full off rage and blame…I’m a bit off…
I called at 7 and at 8…no answer…what the F**k????
she called me at 10…interesting, as her phone DOES have long distance…another lie.
She had the kids on…so i talked to them all for several minutes a piece. After, I hung up. THEN, the phone calls start. hal;f a dozen? i finally answered…terri said…go ahead Brandon, ask your daddy…
The oldest asked if he could come down here and see me …I said that we’ll talk about it when I come up in a little over a week. Toldhim I loved him and hung up….terri called back again….this time saying what are you too busy to talk? I said, I am busy righrt now, what do you need…she started SCREAMING- TOO busy to talk to your kids? that’s right kids…your Daddy is too busy to talk to you…what are you doing? She went off for 12-15 minutes screaming at the top of her lungs….fast fast fast….couldn’t get a word in at all. She blamed me for being a piece of crap (kids could hear everything). I told her I didn’t create this situation Terri…got cut off-I DON”T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!!!!!! She belted back. I told her I would love to spend time with the kids…she said I never want to see the boys…you ALWAYS want to get sophie (I’ve only had her once since the breakup-always? never? Huh??? She said SUCH mean and cruel things. Had Brandon crying and blamed it on me. Told me I had to step up and be a real man…take care of my sons….told me I was a piece of work…ask my Uncle or friends just how bad I am treating the boys….Accused me of everything under the sun. talked so fast, I can’t even remember it all. I was mortified. SCREAMING at me. for 10 minutes plus straight! said I don’t listen, and I said…terri.- all I have done is listened…you won’t even let me talk…she cut me off…I said terri, unless you calm down, I will not talk to you riht now…she screamed I AM CALM! YOU are the one that is screaming- Huh? I was calm as could be. sahe continued to scream at the top of her lungs…HYSTERICALLY!!!
I told her again about being calm or else…after 5 more minutes of this abuse, I hung up on her. tried calling me back, I didn’t answer. She was emotionally blackmailing me, using guilt, manipulation….sickened me to no end. I could say more, but this is the gist of it….
I could not even sleep last night, as this really tore me up.
MANIA???? Taking her pain out on me? My friend heard the whole conversation and said after, that bit*h is INSANE! I would get my daughter and RUN!!!! She is whacked!
My friend said, raan, you DID NOT do ANYTHING wrong! She wouldn’t even let you talk and accused you of not listening and all you did WAS listen. I would have told her to F off a long time ago.
I don’t know what to do…she sounds out of her mind.
Ok Raan we have all had our little snipes at bipolar, we have all said things when we feel hurt but this is SERIOUS….she has now reached the stage where medical help is needed, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH TO HER.
I dont know how far from her you live but if it was me and my kids were stuck in the middle of all this I would be there and removing them, as soon as possible.
I am not sure but I would say this is PANIC as well as MANIC she is calling you because somewhere in her subconsciousness she needs help…..her mind is tormented with you and the blonde she seems to know she needs help, that is why she is asking in a roundabout way “will you take the kids” all of them!
Bi-polars will not ask for help!
I think she needs time alone…..I could be wrong but she is going through a difficult time, all bipolars need space and alone time…..she has no one to help and she has children to care for!
I maybe wrong Raan, thats why I have posted here and not sent you a personal email so as others can help too!
I think you have to forget your needs for the moment and your NUMBER ONE priority must be those kids all of them!!
If she is willing for you to take them can you have them for a while, SHE NEEDS HELP?
You must forget your relationship problems and work on getting the children stable and then TERRI stable before you even think about sorting out the two of you!
THIS FAMILY IS FALLING APART…..YOUR NEEDS MUST COME LAST FOR NOW!
The children must be in bits, mentally and physically you have no idea at the moment how well cared for they are….no normal mother would ever put their children through what you have just described to us!
I am sorry to say this Raan but you need to get there, I thought this when you posted your last email she kept asking “WHEN ARE YOU COMING” she will never ask straight out, MONEY YES, but people NO…..my ex would say when he needed me ” I wont beg” I never wanted him too, I would be there in 10 minutes but in his mind he was BEGGING!!
Please think about it Raan….I will be in touch!
omg yep i agree with whoever said do we get their traits, i have found someone and i am treating him much as i was treated by my bp. omg, i am so scared of getting hurt that i dread when he rings or even texting him back so i just dont and he keeps asking me what the matter is, i have said that i am scared but i know he just doesnt understand. i feel i am turning bp myself, all the i love you’s are now making me run………… and as fast as i can. and as much as i like him and we get on really well i am so terified of him coming close its unreal. what do you do???? omg xxxx
poor raan they walk all over us dont they and have a way of even making thigs that are their fault our fault – grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr xxx
Michelle it was yours truly me 🙂 I have to tell myself I am just going out for a ride just to get myself out of the house. Found myself thinking that I’ll get myself into a place I don’t want to be hurt. But hey I don’t want to be alone either so up and out I go drifting around until I find a place to go. I also don’t hang out much with the people I know choosing instead to be by myself or with strangers. I am fighting the feeling that I am becoming anti social and retracting from people. Now its up to faith I guess. Have you tryed talking with this guy and explain to him your fears? Maybe you should before you ruin something that may be a good thing.
yeah i feel like i am becoming anti social too, and i am really, i absolutely hate going out now and i used to love it. i dont know what to say to him now if i ring him or text as its been 4 days now since i text him and he replied and i just didnt text bcak as i had a panic about him getting too close as last week when he rang he said i need to talk to him about stuff and i really couldnt, and i am also scared of him thinking i am stupid, afterall everyone wants to be loved dont they and i know he just doesnt understand, he tries but doesnt know what i have been through or still going through as the bp still wont leave me alone with constant calls and texts right now. i dont want him to think i am soft and havent really been tormented for years, i dont think anyone who has never been through it will ever understand. we all know too well though dont we??? i am at a los as to what to do now . xxxxx
What do you want Michelle?
Do you feel it is to soon for anything serious?
Do you like this man enough to have a relationship with him?
Are you just using him to try to bring normality back in to your life?
Are you just lonely?
Do you want the Ex BP back?
These are a few of the questions you must ask yourself and NO he wont understand everything you have gone through but he wont understand anything if you dont start by telling him some of how you feel.
He obviously cares enough for you to ask you to talk to him about stuff, he wouldnt be asking if he wasnt bothered?
I too have mentioned in this string I am scared of texting first in case he thinks I am chasing him, Lost tells me men love receiving texts first….
I am also scared of being hurt again but the way I figure it is nothing is ever going to hurt as much as this has so what do I have to lose…
…but you have to work out how you feel first, dont lead him on, he sounds like he cares for you, dont use him for normality, until you work out whether you are moving on from BP, you will stay on the roller-coaster!!
Love and hugs
Wishing x
Thankyou wishing,
Firstly no i definately do not want the BP back. Not in am million years, i have been through too much trauma to ever want to go back there again. Maybe it was too soon for anything serious but like robert said do i want to be on my own forever?? erm NO. yes i like him enough to have a relationship with him and it is long distance i might add and it isnt like i see him lots. No i am not lonely anymore, i spent this whole year learning to be by myself more and more, now i am the opposite, i very rarely go out etc. wish i could sometimes, i have lots of friends who literally have to force me to go out now. Feel like this is the most normal my life has ever been really so its not that wishing, all i know is that its not just scared, its TERRIFIED!!! i do know that i am being unfair but the anxiety that i feel is overwhelming, do people expect things from me – its the obligation expectation thing. and will i hurt him eventually from me running away, which i would never want to do! i am scared of him loving me as now we will all associate love with being hurt if we never did before? !! ??? i have told him how i feel all he knows is that i am scared, but of waht he doesnt know, but do i??? he is a very nice person and i am really not used to them. i am used to people calling me names abusing me and not having a loving bone in their body really. Oh wishing i jumped off the bp roller coaster a while back, the only thing is he will not leave me alone and i get constant texts, if i dont see him he will come see me soon, and asking my son to ring him, telling me he loves me blah blah blah. its all too much when your phone is constant, i’d quite happily never have to use a phone ever again!!!!! as now as soon as i hear it ring i cringe and jump out my skin – i hate it!!!! i soooo hate it. thanks wishing xxxxx
Michelle, the first thing I would do if you are serious about disconnecting him from your life is to either change the phone or change the number…..he will wear you down, I know I have been worn down so many times!
Secondly this sounds a lovely man, I would go with it, but I think he will have to have some info….I know this is the scary thing, I had those very thoughts myself today, what do I say to a new partner ( hopefully the man I have recently met) without sounding like a bunny boiler myself?
And the third scary thing is getting close, really close to the new man isnt it?
I know I have had these thoughts too, its like I said to Robert we have experienced intense love and we will want that again but we will not want all the other crap that goes with it?
That is what is scary…..will we believe what we are told next time, all those lies we had, will we hear “I love you” to wonder when “I hate you is coming” there are a million memories but we have to remember these new men are not our old men, they will not do and think the same….. and we too have to do exactly that?
Take it slowly he will understand if he cares!
…..and my new man is in the next county….over an hours drive away, perhaps its meant to be for now, give us that little space we may need sometimes? xxx
Raan go and get your kids before she does something to them. It happens just get the kids all of them now!!
Raan, yes it is manipulation and all to make you out to be the bad guy as she knows how bad she is deep down i think. i too have used the same manipulation techniques, this sounds borderline PD too which i know a lot about. Document and record everthing, keep a journal of all calls etc as you may need them, she may think she is clever but trust me, when her house of cards falls she isnt. i agree with lost get the kids out of her way, i dont know how it all works over there but when social services come calling you will need all the help you can get ie- freinds hearing conversations etc. i wish you well and good luck, she seems mad as hell. xxxx
They said the woman who drowned her kids in the minivan in the lake a few years back because she wanted to be with her bf was bipolar. I would not wast one minutes time. Go get the kids and sort out the bull shit later.
talked to terri today…sweet as could be she is….wow.
she is asking me to take the boys and keep them for the weekend..offered sex (will come down for the next weekend and she said she’ll give me some if I take the boys.
WOW.
I said “don’t you have a boyfriend and are you going to tell him?” She said no. he saw me kissing her when I dropped off sophie, then she said he heard about it…yeah…he WAS in the trailer that day when I dropped off sophie -that’s why she didn’t let me in that day.
She is bartering with sex to take the kids…unreal.
She wants ALL of us to go trick or treating…the 17 year old too. That’s going to be very uncomfortable. I asked, why does he have to come along? She said that he is in the boys lives too now, and the oldest boy wants all of us to go…..amazing.
I take it she needs a break. I take it she is prostituting herself out to have one. She’s willing to cheat on this boy for me….did she do this to me when we were together????
She told me that she loved me a few times today as well…wants me to buy halloween costumes….
I feel like she is using ANY angle to get what she wants….
I am LIVID. She seemed like the old Terri in PART today….but crazy too. I don’t understand this woman at all.
Does this seem completely nuts to you folks as well?
OF COURSE ITS NUTS RAAN…..SHE IS MENTALLY DISTURBED…WHICH BIT OF THAT ARE YOU NOT GETTING??
FORGET the 17 year old, FORGET the sex, FORGET the I LOVE YOU’s
GET the kids!
OMG raan, dont fall for it!! do not have sex with her! no matter what! and yes it IS nuts!!!!! ignore it! all the manipulation – IGNORE it!! and jeez robert that is scary, and yes what about the man who killed a woman he knew cos he thougth it was his wife, and we think all these things would never happen to us but what the hell do we know – i know for a certain fact that the bp i was with thought i was someone else while i was there, yes definately scary!!!!!!!!!!!! Raan dont bargain with her, not ever! XXX
No its not normal its called desperate! Why question everything she says? You show up get your kids bring them back for trick or treats this kid already got pissed seeing you kiss her? You think he’s going to be your buddy and come trick or treat with you? Lmfao. He will be gone off to find another girl his own age. He hid in the trailer when you were there? Haha that’s even better. Not only is he a little boy he is a scared little boy! Go get your kids and tell your girl to pack up her shit.
Raan you are not listening…..Robert is talking sense, you must get those kids, forget all this other crap, forget what she is saying today, they change within minutes, the only thing you as the sane person here must do is look after those children…..
I am so numb, confused, disconnected, hurt….
I don’t know what to think, make of all of this….
wowwwwwwwww.
what the F**k is going on with this woman I love???
Go get your kids and tell your girl to pack up her shit.???
what girl?? you mean ask terri to come home?
She said today that we MAY get back together in the future, but not right now…she wants to see if she can make it on her own….
IS THIS WOMAN DESPERATE and that’s all? well, not ALL…but what is she up to?
Hell I may be shallow but I’m not stupid. I’d have sex with her and shed be screaming my name the trailer would be rock n rollin and I’d make sure the whole fucking trailer park and atleast the first 3/4 of that hick town ghetto heard it. If the trailers rockin don’t bother knockin. 🙂 a few hickys on her in various places should help things along nice too! I’d be in like flynn baby 🙂 can I be shallow rude crude and obnoxious? Yes sir.. Would I leave her feeling the best thing she’s ever had is leaving? Hells yes! Go there lay some pipe get the kids tap tap it again and leave. Come back on haloween and knock her boots again. Go for it and do it right.
WOW….Thats a little bit of trivial information we now know as a group of people….
Feeling better Robert……lol 😉
xxxxx
I am working on getting the kids…really hard…it takes money…I don’t have any at the moment, but am working on it as fast as I can. She asked me to take them this weekend….no way can I pull this off…I told her I would do my best to take them all the next weekend.
I AM listening to what you folks are saying and doing everything I can….I understand.
Is she likely to switch again in the next call? likely….
Is this 17 year old going to really come trick or treating too?
NO…. Raan he is not coming trick or treating because you will have the kids back with you by then, beg steal or borrow the money and get there now!
The only thing that worries me about the trick or treating is…….
SHE IS TRYING TO “TRICK” YOU AND YOU ARE NOT “TREATING” THIS SERIOUSLY ENOUGH??
Raan i agree with wishing every step of the way – get the kids – you will manage – we always do!!! pmsl robert lol, No raan dont do the sex and dont beleive the i love you’s!!!!! get the kids xxxxxxx
Is he coming trick or treats with you? You want me to come bitch slap you? Lmfao. Raan you are killing me. Your really killing me…
I’d take that boy trick or treats but his momma will be dregding the lake for his ass after I leave 😉
Lost, he is a kid….
Do you think he has a clue what is going on here….Raan is a grown man and he doesnt have a clue what is happening?
He is a 17 year old kid, who needs to be out of this situation as well…..he needs to be back with his momma?
I know he’s just a baby lol I am just kinda nuts today. I don’t know why and I really don’t care I am going to tear someones town apart this wkend. My dates not until tomorrow so whats this poor boy do? If raan wasn’t in bum fuck goergia I’d come there and take him up to ghetto town cover his back.throw him his old lady and the kids all in the car. Leave that place in flames lol.
I know…. and I think I have got to know how you react now….
….you are a typical ALPHA…. get in there, sort it out, nothing bothers me….MALE?
….BUT under all this….you are a kind, soft, caring man, who has been hurt….. BUT just dont let my men friends know….hey?
That was a lovely thought…. of helping Raan! 😉
OMG robert you dont seem yourself are you ok lol xxx
omg robert i agree, i feell i have adopted traits, what the hell do i want those for???????? fgs?? helllp……….. we would never want to be like that so whts hapenning????? xxxxxxx
Its self hatred. Fear and regret.self loathing. Anger. Hatred demoralized And self righteousness all twisted into a giant heap of shit. I want to be loved under my conditions without reprisal or lies I want to be wanted not needed and I need this all to happen yesterday.
Well I dont feel any of that….
I dont feel “self hatred”, I feel proud I tried to help him!
No “regrets”…just glad I knew him!
“Self loathing”…why, what have you done?
Regret, no never regrets, loving someone should never be regretted?
“Anger”, yes, maybe, but not at him, at this awful illness!
Fear…for the future, maybe?
Wanting to be loved……you can only be loved when you love yourself….and to love yourself you need to be rid of the hate!!
yes the feeling of being wanted and needed are two different things, when you feel somone had expectations of you – you go to pot, we just want to be loved for who we are, and how can we be when we build walls so high no one can get in, hey they really made a mess of us and yeah its upto us to get out of it but how the hell do you do that?? yeah anger self hatred and loathing and terrible FEAR – fear of being loved fear of not being loved – fear of being humiliated for the last time????? fear of rejection and now fear of even rejecting – when the hell does it all end – they mess our brains up for life i think- after all i must of read every self help book on the planet lol – erm when will it help me??? God and the fear of lies even one tiny petty one??? i wont ever lie. xxxxxxxxxxx
Michelle/Robert there are many things that happen in life, I have lost more people and things than I care to remember but we only have one life and as sad and hurtful and destroyed as you feel now the only way out is positive feelings, otherwise it will take you over….
I have been through more heartache than a whole street full of people….I have had enough problems for a whole Dr Phil show…but you have to see an end to it, because it will bring you down!
It all boils down to trust, at the moment you are unable to trust and the longer you lock yourself away the harder it becomes to trust anyone again….dont expect the next person to be the love of your life, date them, have fun, learn to laugh without feeling guilt, don’t judge them, learn to trust again and don’t hate….this is an illness!
Wish I dug down deep for those answers and you debunked me 🙂 Thank you! I won’t even attempt to argue those points and as a matter of fact I will print it out again on monday and carry with the rest of the post I keep with me for quick refrence. I need someone who is going to tell me look buddy this is the way it is and the way its gonna be. All you got to do is stick around and love me back. Oh and she has to have pretty eyes 🙂
Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain but you cant have a rainbow, without a little rain! xx
Whewwwww. Your peoples comments are appreciated, but some are all over the map! I have taken in all of your suggestions, and they are good. thank you. terri has called a few more times. She sounds better….I know. She can and will shift into another “personality” at any given moment and they cannot be trusted.
The fact that she lied about not being able to call long distance and can – well, this was just told to me less than 48 hours ago…speaks volumes.
I don’t know what to make of her “deals” she is proposing, but I am VERY leery and am focused on the kids.
Did she basically prostitute herself out today if I take the kids??? is she saying to me I’ll give you some if you take this load off and I won’t tell my boy-friend?
Un frickin’ REAL!
Raan you must remember….SEX means very little to a Bipolar….that’s why they are so promiscuous? Sorry! xx
yeah, we are walked all over by our S/O BP’s. It’s such a shame. I don’t get it why in 4 solid years she has never acted like this whatsoever. I know the January thing was a bit over the top, but this sucker has been going on for 2 and 1/2 months already and she isn’t getting any better or right yet. What’s it going to be? months and months or until she has a melt down in wal-mart or something?
This illness is a tricky bugger. they seem so normal (at TIMES, not always) sometimes…I’m talking when on a psychotic or manic episode….
Why didn’t this happen in the early part of the four years? I mean, it’s only been THIS year that this happened…did it progress??? Possibly med induced?
I would think so were they changed? Has she always taken meds?
Its supposed to be an age thing too, I had a Bipolar niece, was fine in her teens and early 20’s got to about 27 and completely lost it, had to change all the meds!
They can be very normal, when I met my Ex he was completely normal, very intelligent, very down to earth…..he changed about 2/3 months later, sometimes he came back to the person I met and thats the bit that kills you, when you get them back and you know its not for long…..I used to treasure those moments….it was like having someone who had died, come back for a short time!
I used look into his eyes as he was telling it was all going to be different now, he believed it was, but I knew I would lose him again!
Its a sad fact Raan and you have to learn how to live with this or you have walk away….
She has always taken her meds. they have changed a lot though, as depression would start to come back and we would change them accordingly. I never saw her “leave” and come back” for a short period of time. She has always been the terri i love and adore…except for a month in January. We took her off of those meds, and she was fine again. THIS thing is new.
Wish I didn’t get to see my girl that much when she would go into her change. She would always run away and do what ever it is they do. But each and everytime she went away it was like my girl had died or was stolen away from me each time she did this I would have a meltdown. The last and worst time was last christmas. I broke down and cryed and whined and it felt like my guts would tear right out of me. I am only 47 and last september had a heart attack. I have two stents in me now and I was always healthy before. The constant heart break is not something I could get used to never knowing if I’d ever see her again and the lonlyness I think it all got to me. Today I was feeling a burst of energy feeling good like I could take on the world. Tonight I am back down again and forcing myself to go out alone.unny thing is I have friends but I avoid them. I sometimes wish I never had met her and even that hurts me to think that way. I try to convince myself that its true they don’t miss us. But I always picture in my mind the good times and I am most haunted by the love I always saw in her eyes when she would stand on her tip toes to kiss me. Omg I sometimes wish I would just die and get it over wuth a stray bullet or maybe my heart will just stop. This is not normal way to be and I know it. I went to a Dr once before and she put me on medication that only put me in a cloud like I was in a fog. How did I allow this to happen this little girl was able to do what not many other are able to do. She brought me to my knees. I cannot wait until daylight comes the night is always the worst for me. Maybe I’ll buy a tanning bed 🙂
Well isnt that a strange coincidence, we are all the same age?? FATE MAYBE??
Medication ( for us, not them ) that is a whole new subject but in my opinion its a NO NO…. I want to get through this with “my eyes wide open” and yes, as Robert said the nights are the worst, sometimes the days are the longest but “I am in control” I want to know what’s happening in my life and don’t forget guys I am only 5 weeks into the break up….he may reappear and I want to be 100% “compos mentis” when and if he does?
Yes, I too have been brought to my knees by him ( no rude jokes guys, please!! lol ) have serious doubts whether I will love this way again but I am not going to let this illness bring two of us down!!
Those of you that have friends, friends that understand, make the most of them, I have no friends that understand and that’s why talking to all of you is so important, I don’t blame the friends they are nieve as I once was to this illness and even when you spend hours explaining a mental illness people just don’t get it….any mental illness, postnatal depression…shes had a baby, she must be happy? Eating disorders…. what’s wrong with her, who doesn’t want to eat?? BIPOLAR….WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE IN A HAPPY LOVING RELATIONSHIP??
Raan be careful of the reasons she is giving for her “accident” could be true…but they lie so easily, could be a fight with a young kid, who has had enough??
Lost…your a strong man I can tell and you are doing your best to get back on the road again, keep going, you are back into dating, go have some fun with other girls, there are nice girls out there, Bittersweet and I are out there, we just want someone to love and care about, you will find someone if you keep looking!
And Bittersweet, my friend, we know what we are going to do….and you are there, FORGIVENESS is the key YOU HAVE to forgive guys because if you don’t you will never move on?
Love and hugs
Wish…. 🙂
Lost/found…i am right there with you 101% on your feelings you last wrote. i feel identically to you. It’s amazing what a small lil BP woman can do to you. I’m 46. I feel like my heart is about to have an attack almost every day.
Funny about tonight btw, terri called me at 10 to tell me that she told me today she would call me back, and sure enough. She did. She has a black eye, bruises all over and two other minor injuries. She told me she was pushing the oldest boy on the bike and she slipped, went face down into the back of the bike and then face down into the dirt. Said that she can’t open one eye.
She was nice again tonight. Weird. She said she took some pain pills and will let me know how she is doing, but we’ll have to talk another time.
From last night to this night…i SWEAR I was dealing with TWO ENTIRELY different people.
hello people
gee Lost & found its rough your last post man o man that is coming from the depths of your soul . Look I dont know u very well, but I can relate to what u r saying , whatever she did to u , he did to me, I have been thru a lot of stuff in my years , I am the same age as u guys, my BP 49 years , but I havent been to hell & back like this before . I lost 10 kilos in weight , I didnt go on anti depressants even though I was told i would never get through without them . I like u guys have very vivid memories of the good times but u know what U may block the bad ones but u never forget these times u r going thru now ..the emotional pain level is extreme …the way they totally treat u like a stranger , actually they treat a stranger better….they give loyalties to the opposite sex that they hacve onnly just met over u who have supported them & been in a mateship together for supposedly years . I have been thru the death of a spouse & this is up there in pain levels. the absolute abandonement is life shattering & very traumatising
it can harm u for life .
u know Raan I take my hat off to you man o man …u r doing brilliant my friend, I only wish i had your insight at the early stage u recognised yours . I did have a glimpse of it after 3 years but I had no idea what I was in for . HEY lets not kid ourselves here these people are seriously unwell , it has taken me a long time to realise they dont think like we do & they suffer a lot of fukedness in their heads . I am just glad its not me ,cause from my side of the fence I find it toughgoing but i couldnt imagine trying to work things out like bipolar depression hits …It must be so confusing for them.
am not justifying for them just saying they dont think like us , we cant put our expectations onto them , it doesnt work like that
Forgiveness is the key i reckon…..if u cant give it to them face to face do it in their absence , it really helps not saying it is a cure …but if ya gonna go down u gotta do it in style .
regrads Bittersweet
Yup two entirly diffrent people. The one who didn’t like me I hardly ever met. I wish that I had met her second half more because only getting the good one is killing me. In my mind the good has over taken the bad. I can only think of the good sweet girl that was so in love with me. Maybe if I had been through more of the bad I wouldn’t feel this way? But she would run away during most of those times I guess. And when she would come back I’d be there with open arms. She’s never coming back now and I know it. Today I feel better. Tonight I have a date that I want to make work. I won’t bring up any of these things to her. I just hope it works and I don’t screw it up.
L/F….I have had virtually the same type of relationship as you had with yours, mine would run also, as soon as he knew the bad was coming he made for the hills. Then the lovely, caring, kind man came back! Yes, I did get the verbal abuse never to my face, as some have had to put up with and they are so strong because getting it by text/email/phone was bad enough!
In my mind the good always comes out on top too, the bad is FORGIVEN but the situation doesn’t change, I still have to make a new life because as I said in a previous post….THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS??
…..and I am the fortunate one, I dont have this illness! x
And good luck for tonight, be happy, be yourself, be a gentleman….you wont screw it up! 😉
Yeh good luck robert.
Raan could be the meds – even prozac sends people loopy!!
PMSL wishing we all must of been insane cos we all did the same thing over and over and expected different results.
M xxx
HAVEN’T WE MET BEFORE?
The Borderline/Narcissist Couple.
By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
http://www.GettinBetter.com
You’ve probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I’ll try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity’s sake, I discuss female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly be reversed, and may include same-sex unions–in fact, the prevalence of borderline pathology could be considered heightened within the gay community.
Relationship issues are universal–and homosexual men and women struggle with many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have never met a lesbian who didn’t have major issues with her mother–but that’s another article.
Many people who contact me for help, are already aware of a distinct pattern of attraction in their life. These romantic selections are thrilling at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing–yet these patterns remain intact (despite self-promises to do it differently, “next time”). The only way to explain this odd phenomenon, is to understand the basis for these unwise relational choices, and that’s what this piece attempts to address.
It’s critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality disordered individuals incurred similar types of wounds to their developing sense of Self, and isn’t it simply natural to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction is a lot like that–it feels as if you’ve found your ‘soul mate.’ There’s a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they’ve played out in different ways for each of you–but the scars from that time remain, unless there’s been some serious core-focused intervention.
Narcissists are great at fixing, rescuing, teaching and training, but authentic intimacy/closeness is unsustainable and avoided, given their abandonment fears. Caregiver types can be drawn to borderline disordered individuals who match their own attachment issues.
Do not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful marriage. If they haven’t resolved their respective childhood traumas, they’ll continually trample on each other’s emotional land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining hopelessly enmeshed.
In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn’t matter how smart or powerful he is, she’ll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist’s grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won’t let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he’ll literally fight to the death to maintain it–never realizing what he’s losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge.
A Narcissistic perfectionist believes; “If I feel bad in a relationship, it must be my fault.” The Borderline believes; “If I feel bad in a relationship, it has to be your fault.” This sets up an endless cycle, within which the Borderline rages or retreats–and the Narcissist attempts to fix it by cajoling, pursuing, rescuing, etc., to escape his shame of being rejected/abandoned.
It’s not terribly unusual for two people with borderline traits to engage–and regardless of the psycho-babble you may have read elsewhere, anyone who’s actually done any work with borderlines would know this. Still, this coupling presents a highly combustible mix; their respective pathology draws them to each other–but the mutual harm/damage that’s sustained by both parties in this type of dynamic is considerable. It should also be noted, that a person involved with a Borderline for even a limited time, will be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology, due to proximal exposure. That’s why we call their behaviors, “crazy-making.”
THE ROOT OF ALL EVILS
Core injuries that undermine/derail self-esteem start during infancy, and are reinforced and perpetuated throughout childhood. In the simplest of terms, core disturbance means that the hub of your wheel is broken or damaged in some fashion. When the very center of your being has been compromised, all the spokes that emanate from that point, will be weak and susceptible to breaking under any amount of pressure. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence. It influences self-worth, and determines how we think about and take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.
The Narcissist usually compensates for core self-worth deficits, with rescuing or fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic or professional over-achievements, charm/charisma, amassing material wealth, etc. The Borderline compensates for core deficits–but does it with her well-worn ability to seduce, for that is the only arena where she feels any true sense of mastery or self-confidence.
Borderlines grew up watching how their mothers behaved around men. They learned how to be adorable and seductive, to manipulate people into giving them what they wanted or needed. In short, they repeatedly observed these tactics being deployed by a masterful teacher, and adopted them. The son of a Borderline is usually attracted to females who echo the traits he saw in his mother.
A Borderline mother is often envious of her child’s achievements/successes, and could be flirtatious or seductive with her daughter’s romantic interests. She may have no compunctions whatsoever about stealing boyfriends/lovers from her teenage or adult child. Competition with her offspring might begin very early, and acutely influence/derail the father-daughter bond.
A variety of betrayals in childhood have deeply fractured a Borderline’s core, and psychic trauma from this period can’t help but seriously impact all adult relationship endeavors. Add to this, the imprint from a narcissistic parent is retained, and may be subconsciously sought after in adult attachments.
WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
Narcissists have built-in grandiosity. This is a defense against their feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, which triggers their compulsion to rescue, fix, teach and train others. They automatically presume to know what others are thinking and feeling, and can come across as absolute authorities on various topics. A Narcissist loves to tell you what you’re feeling, rather than asking about it, which can be infuriating for anyone. Borderlines have such a fragile sense of Self to begin with, they’ll usually act-out their frustration with the Narcissist’s ‘Mr. Know-it-all’ defenses by retreating or raging. He may regard her as explosive or crazy, but he’s the one who’s unwittingly lit her fuse. His ongoing need to be in the one-up position and exert control, forms the basis of many conflicts and struggles with this couple. The sad reality is, he has observed these traits in his narcissistic parent, and has emulated them.
A Narcissist lover will more readily trigger his borderline partner’s defensive acting-out behaviors, as his engulfment fears and self-involvement catalyze her abandonment concerns. This is a two-sided coin however, as while she’s yearning for his attention and affection, she experiences painful sensations that were once confused/entwined with loving an unresponsive parent, and those dramatic feelings are resuscitated–and equated with love.
Both Borderlines and Narcissists associate Love with painful longing. This is the crux of all those come here/go away (push/pull) cycles with this couple, and a whole lotta country western songs! Love equals pain, and vice-versa.
When their intense craving for love is met, painful sensations they’ve come to interpret as loving feelings, evaporate. At this point, the Borderline feels bored or annoyed, and pushes away. The Narcissist responds to his needs for distance and autonomy, by selecting (unavailable) BPD lovers who won’t trigger his engulfment fears. (With a healthier partner who needs continuity of loving feelings, a Borderline experiences emotional claustrophobia, and is compelled to disrupt any episodes of genuine intimacy between them.)
When closeness or engulfment fears become heightened, both NPD and BPD partners can experience anxiety, which prompts their need to draw back. The distance between them eases tension, but a narcissistic perfectionist makes it his fault, and experiences shame. This catalyzes his frantic efforts to win-her-over again. It isn’t that he’s needing her–he’s needing reprieve from this toxic sense of unlovability/unworthiness (shameful remnants from boyhood).
I’m often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving, and this appears to be a very central concern during the course of these relationships–and afterward, when the discarded partner needs to cling to the ideation that they were in fact, truly loved. Borderlines felt pain in relation to longing and striving for their parent’s affection throughout childhood–and learned to interpret these difficult/dramatic feelings as Love. Chasing partners who are emotionally or physically unavailable–or married/attached, keeps this yearning alive, and inhibits them from embracing somebody who’s actually able to provide love on a consistent basis. Narcissists are similarly attracted to someone who’s slightly out of reach, for this eases engulfment concerns (more about this, a bit further down). The search for a partner who’s able to magically surmount this issue can continue for a lifetime–as the “right one” never comes along.
It’s virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD lover has no real capacity for love, as during the ‘good times,’ he’s felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict–for this challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it’s supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties in childhood strongly influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents, solidified his sense that he was valued by them–but these episodes were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This early pattern has set the stage for his obsessional attraction to a borderline disordered individual, as he can’t painfully yearn for someone who’s consistently present and available! It has also impaired his self-worth.
SO THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS WE’VE GOTTEN OURSELVES INTO.
A chameleon’s coloring will change according to its surrounding environment; this reptile’s protective camouflage helps it capture its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities are chameleon-like–they’ll quickly discern what’s important to you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship. Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal senses that they’ve captured you, their normal colors return–and you’re dealing with a different sort of creature.
The molting process of reptiles involves shedding their skin to accommodate growth–it’s like outgrowing a Tee-shirt you wore as a child. Sadly, personal growth is threatening to Borderlines, and underneath their perfectly adoring veneer is the dark side they’ve hidden from you, just long enough to get you hooked. Once you’re really theirs, this part emerges–and you spend the rest of your time in this dance trying to figure it all out, and reconnect with that person you fell for initially.
I’d watched this happen with a BPD colleague, who married her lover only six months after meeting him. On the eve of their wedding, I’m sure he believed he’d finally found the pot of gold at the end of his rainbow, in this perfectly adoring female. Then it changed, and got pretty ugly. I think she’ll kill him.
THE TAMING OF THE SCREW
The Borderline’s captivating allure is nearly impossible to ignore–particularly for a man in mid-life. Long term marriages are often destroyed in the midst of affairs with considerably younger women who’ve enlivened the Narcissist’s sense of grandiosity, along with his penis. Erectile dysfunction is generally blamed on the wife of many years–when it’s actually just a symptom of pre-existing intimacy issues, that have reached critical mass. I think of ED more as Emotional Dysfunction, than any problems with male physiology. In most instances, this is a psychic/emotional issue–not a physical one.
The narcissistic male places himself in a double-bind, when he attributes his organ’s enthusiastic response to the female who’s awakened it from a deep slumber. Initially, some magical thinking presumes that she’s responsible for his newfound sexual prowess–and as such, they’re meant to sail off into the sunset together. Before long though, all this power he assigns to her is a bit intimidating. A Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can’t allow himself to need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone brings up deep fears about loss of love and control, and here’s where his distancing maneuvers can kick in. This is not consciously held by the Narcissist–it’s just an archaic defense mechanism, that helps him maintain his emotional equilibrium.
A healthy, whole woman might be disappointed to miss out on a phone call from her lover the morning after an especially close/loving evening–but the borderline-disordered female interprets the most subtle signs of neglect, as loss of love and affection. Her abandonment fears are instantly triggered. In self-defense, she shuts down, rages or takes herself away. She has been poised for this to happen anyhow–so she will imagine abandoning behavior, even when/where it doesn’t exist.
Now, the self-protective defenses begin, as neither partner wants to venture too far out on this limb, for fear of falling from their love nest of infatuation. This mutually held anxiety can inhibit genuine expressions of caring from the Narcissist, while triggering frantic, premature declarations of “love” from the Borderline. Like a small child, her emotional responses are unboundaried and irrepressible. The toxic shame that’s catalyzed when her impulsivity (in love) isn’t reciprocated, is intolerable–so she shames her partner via projections.
Sex can be the glue holding these two together, while their respective need for autonomy is motivated by fear about getting too close. This ambivalence automatically sets off a series of controlling behaviors within each, for being physically and emotionally naked with someone, means feeling too exposed and vulnerable; “what if he/she sees the real me, and leaves?”
Hypersexuality in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes that she can control lovers in this way. This facet is magnified when there’s been incest or sexual molestation during her childhood, because she was made to feel ‘special’ by accommodating/catering to an adult’s prurient appetites. Her self-worth is inextricably linked to performance and will continue–especially with rebound (or auxiliary) lovers who are struck by its exciting novelty. This issue was at one time, referred to as Nymphomania.
Your coupling may be sexually intoxicating–but that’s generally because it isn’t ‘safe’ (or possible) to connect in other domains of this relationship. In short, all that energy gets funneled–and flows wherever and however it can. Even fighting can become a couple’s only means of connecting.
WHEN OPPOSITES ATTRACT . . .
Narcissistic individuals are frequently People Pleasers, which means they’re passive-aggressive. They’re more comfortable giving rather than receiving in relationships, which is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood, in response to parental neglect. In couplings, the one who needs the least, is always the one in power–and the Borderline’s needs usually far outweigh those of her partner. The Borderline is like a little child when it comes to impulse control and asserting wants/needs, so she’s the active partner in this dynamic. The Narcissist has never really felt worthy of having needs, so he suppresses them; he’s the passive partner. Somebody must be willing to carry the emotions for this relationship, so that typically falls to the active partner–or the Borderline. She’ll keep pushing the envelope until she gets a rise out of her partner. She literally thrives on drama and chaos, but rebels like a three year old when he takes a stand–even though she requires the containment and comfort that boundaries and limits provide.
ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON MUTUAL NEED.
A Borderline needs the qualities in you, that are lacking in herself; honesty, dependability, strength of character, etc. She possesses an uncanny ability for finding men who’ve built stable, flourishing lifestyles (whether married or not), but who have insecurities and self-doubts left over from boyhood. The Borderline methodically goes about finding out where your vulnerabilities are buried; when she discovers what’s behind your props, she cleverly uses your weaknesses against you, for her own advancement/gain. Decades ago, these women were referred to as gold-diggers or home-wreckers. The male version was a Gigolo or Casanova who took sexual/emotional advantage of females, and/or robbed them blind.
When a Borderline encounters a successful, charismatic Narcissist, she sees power in him, and security/comfort for herself. Since she has never really felt protected in her world, this male is perceived as her ticket to safety. He may never have felt especially attractive or worthy of attention from a girl who’s a real ‘traffic stopper’–so he’s flattered out of his pants by the Borderline’s seductive pursuit. His grandiose false-self has craved this type of attention his whole life–even though he’s never felt deserving of it. Thus begins their dance, which replicates an intoxicating pattern that neither can resist.
Based on a Borderline’s level of emotional desperation, she may not choose men who’ve attained significant acclaim, stability or success. Abandonment fears always influence partner selection, and are key to these attractions. Essentially, the greater your need is for this female (sexually, emotionally, psychologically or financially), the more easily she can keep the upper-hand and control you–and it’s always about control for the Borderline.
Having been raised by narcissistic people who couldn’t respond to her needs for consistent mirroring and affection, the Borderline feels at home when she locates a partner who initially showers her with adoration–but then retreats, or finds fault with her. Girlhood longing for love was associated with pain, so she’s programmed to keep striving for that which cannot be satisfied. Each disruption of loving attention reactivates her core despair, so she settles for scraps of love, that echo her early conditioning. A lover who’s more available or responsive, doesn’t fit this paradigm–or inspire her passionate response.
It’s impossible to avoid personalizing the Borderline’s abusive behavior–but her rage isn’t about you. It’s misdirected feelings of disappointment, anger and hurt she’s stored for a lifetime–and couldn’t express to Mom or Dad.
DRAMA QUEENS AND PERFECT LITTLE PRINCES
The narcissistically injured male continually seeks females who can perfectly mirror his attributes and qualities–and whom in some manner, need him. He then gets to assuage his abandonment concerns–but the flip-side of being needed, is being engulfed. The Borderline can initially smother/suffocate her prey with attention that causes him to retreat or distance, because while it’s flattering, and mitigates his abandonment fears–it triggers vaguely familiar sensations of engulfment he had to endure in boyhood, with Mother.
His constant challenge then, is staying close without being swallowed-up by the Borderline’s needy, clingy, demanding nature. This challenge is lessened of course, by the Borderline’s continuous pattern of seduction and retreat. In this way, the Narcissist’s fear of engulfment/too much closeness, becomes a non-issue. If he were truly emotionally available, he could not tolerate these erratic (come here/go away) patterns–and would seek a female who is more consistently responsive to him and his needs (past the Honeymoon stage).
If this male’s mother had BPD Waif features, he grew up having to meet her needs for attention, mirroring, flattery, emotional soothing, etc. She could have made him her confidant in adult matters–especially concerning issues with his dad. A little boy is overburdened by these complaints, and doesn’t relish this role–but at the same time, all this special attention from Mother imbues him with a sense of value/importance–which forms the core of his self-worth. Her awareness of his needs is painfully limited, so he welcomes this ‘surrogate husband’ job, which (at least) provides vicarious satisfaction. This sets him up for codependent relationships in his adult world, for being needed was his only way of replenishing any viable self-image, and escaping his shame of disappointing her.
Codependency and engulfment concerns resulting from this type of dynamic, are then transferred onto all later attachments. There’s an automatic reflex that comes into play with a mother-enmeshed man. Sensations of closeness are entwined with loss of Self. Thus, his inner narrative becomes; “if I get too close to you, I’ll have to relinquish too much of me.” Commitment has gotten confused with engulfment, which means having to give up important needs and freedoms. Hence, profound control issues have evolved, and he’ll only choose females with whom he thinks he can maintain the upper hand. A needy, BPD female perfectly fits this paradigm–at least at the onset. Any man who persistently chooses borderline disordered women, has attachment fears that run as deep as those of the females he’s courting.
To contemplate leaving a Borderline presents significant inner struggles, for not only is the Narcissist enmeshed, he’s terrified of potential ramifications his departure might catalyze. He’s all too familiar with her acute instability, and frightened that she’ll either bring great harm to herself–or to him. Some men have described suicide and/or murder threats and attempts, trumped-up domestic violence charges, stalking, vandalism to their property, etc., when they’ve tried to flee these tormenting relationships. The tragic reality is, it’s often easier to remain, than to leave–but this can spawn risks to his health, his livelihood, his family ties, and all other associations. Leaving triggers his guilt as well, which is an old remnant from childhood individuation struggles.
AS THE TWIG IS BENT . . .
The mother of a Narcissist could make her son feel that he is the center of her universe. He is the Golden Boy who can do no wrong–but only when he’s perfectly responsive to her demands and wishes! A couple of problems arise here; she’s imbedded and fueled his grandiosity–even though he’s unable to discern why he’s so “special,” but has simultaneously implanted self-esteem issues, which surface when he experiences himself as flawed or imperfect. A borderline lover always reconstitutes this early confusion and wounding, with her push-pull emotional gymnastics. Intermittant episodes of adoration and abandonment revive familiar patterns from boyhood, that he has normalized. This keeps him striving for continuity of love/affection that’s unattainable–but uncomfortable/bored with a female who can provide loving constancy.
The Borderline Waif mother makes certain her son knows that she could not survive without him, and that he is the guardian of (both) her pleasure and pain. These early dynamics set him up for very specific relational patterns in adulthood, which have driven him into the arms of needy/clingy Borderlines. On a subconscious level, his valiant efforts to save her and fortify self-worth (despite all her loving/rejecting behaviors), replicate his boyhood blueprint for attachment.
If a male was raised by a Queen or Witch-type Borderline, he’ll be drawn to women with similar traits or characteristics, who will retraumatize him. It’s also possible that he might select a female who’s relatively devoid of those features, and with whom he can access more empowerment and autonomy, than he could as a child. These needs can propel him toward someone with waif traits–but even the Waif must exert control over her partners.
Men raised by borderline disordered mothers frequently adopt and retain BPD features, due to an inability to trust and forge close, intimate bonds during boyhood. This has them persistently choosing relationships with women who are poorly equipped to meet their needs for connection and closeness–and turning away from those who are able to offer genuine love and care. They might fantasize that a female will come along who can magically break down their attachment avoidance–but this fantasy won’t be realized, unless they get solid help. Even then, their defenses can remain deeply entrenched.
Narcissistic males generally cannot commit to esteem-building work, unless their ‘props’ have vanished–meaning, they have lost their fortunes and good health, after involvement with a Borderline. At this point, their defenses are down, and we have a chance to construct a man from a damaged little boy.
Solid inner work can invoke feelings of needing the therapist, which instantly produce anxiety. This catalyzes his reflex to sabotage that relationship with ‘tests’ he suspects may result in abandonment. If this occurs, his entrenched belief that anyone who could have value/importance to him will let him down or leave, becomes prophesy fulfillment. Sadly, this reflex keeps real love at bay–and he’ll continue to dabble with Borderlines, who haven’t any capacity to meet his authentic needs.
WHEN WILL I BE LOVED?
A Borderline’s needs were severely neglected in infancy and childhood, which left her with painful self-worth issues. She may have only received praise for her looks, or being the “perfect” little girl, and this became the basis of her self-esteem. Sadly, her mother may have been envious of the attention she got, and jealous of the connection she shared with her father–or any male, for that matter. Thus began a steady erosion of her sense of Self, especially when it threatened the mother’s sense of worth. Borderline mothers usually detest other females. First, they view them as threats–and second, there’s such primal rage left over from infancy (with Mom), this hatred is transferred onto all other women. For the Borderline, even minor disappointments can mean fatal ruptures to solid, nourishing relationships of any type.
I saw a TV advertisement one day, for a ‘Little Miss Perfect’ beauty pageant. I must tell you, I felt nauseated and heartsick at seeing these little girls in adult costumes and full makeup, and I thought; these are the Borderlines of tomorrow! We’re aghast when one of these children is abducted, raped and killed–but in my view, a society that sanctions these contests is demented.
The Borderline’s perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures, which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she views her physical being–and she believes that if she fixes all her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable. She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings, jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful procedures, which is part of their appeal–very much like self-cutting or burning, distracts from emotional anguish.
Extreme, unresolved rage issues toward Mother, can catalyze a Borderline’s detachment from any/all aspects of femininity within the Self, and spawn bi-or homosexuality, transvestism or transgenderism and sexual reassignment surgeries. She may continue searching for an external solution to her despair and dissatisfaction–but happiness is an inside job. With each attachment to a new female, her hope for healing the mother-wound is revived. Sadly, few partners are equipped to provide this soothing, and a Borderline will usually triangulate relationships with partners who are–for an available/responsive lover doesn’t trigger painful sensations associated with longing and yearning for love that’s unrequited.
The Borderline continuously searches for affection, acceptance and approval, due to extreme deficits in childhood. Her needs for closeness and emotional safety overwhelm her–but while she might seek these elements in a male, she’s really looking to mend her primal wounds from infancy. These profound needs are displaced onto romantic partners–but as she begins to feel that they can actually be responded to, deeply entrenched abandonment terror is invoked. This reaction is automatic and reflexive–and so is her retreat.
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT . . .
To their partner, the Borderline’s behaviors seem counterintuitive, and I get questions about this all the time; “If they’re so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?” Here’s my analogy: If you’ve chosen never to go through a divorce, ’cause you’ve seen the destruction it’s wreaked in other’s lives–wouldn’t you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified of abandonment. He/she doesn’t allow themselves to attach, for fear of the annihilating pain that might follow, if they do! You will not change this.
The Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well enough–but she’ll push you away, the minute that you do. Quite literally, you’re damned when you adore the Borderline, and damned when you don’t! This is totally confounding, and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which cannot be satisfied. This lack of grounding (in love) is highly toxic to you.
When you’ve grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent’s needs, and backing that up with rescuing/fixing impulses in adulthood, you’re pretty confident you’ll turn this deal around–if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you’ve accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it’s needing to be healed. Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating.
OMG…Now I am worried!! 😉
Yes, I have picked out pointers/issues that could be applied to my relationship with my BP BUT I DON’T intend to keep repeating them.
I think the time I have given to my relationship has been fair! I didnt walk out straight away I gave it a chance and yes, I was also in love by then but as time as gone on I know there is just no hope of a happy ending, if he had agreed to treatment or medication if needed then I may reconsider but he wont even discuss it, so I do not want a repeat of the last 12 months!
Maybe all of us here have had a troubled past, maybe thats what draws us to a person with Bipolar, maybe thats what drew us to them…..But most of us seem to know whether its after a couple of months or a couple of years or even 10 years + when it is time to get off the roller-coaster?
The really sick part about all this. The part that really bothers me the most is that iv been out with lots of other woman and one I almost started to fall for until I realised the sweet things she was telling me the parts about soul mates and best friends and all that did not go along with her actions and I started thinking it was all lies and I broke off with her and my feeling always come back home to my bpgirl. Because at the time she was in love with me I knew she was not lieing the look in her eyes was of pure love like I have never seen or felt in my entire life. Of course it did not last but I know it was there pure and sincer and I felt it through to my soul. I would sell myself to the devil if I could get that back. A friend sent me this today it said:Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one’s who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. Friends are like balloons: once you let them go, you can’t get them back. So I’m gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you. Iv lost and let go with a lot of my friends they still try to contact me and keep in touch through facebook. On my birthday I received atleast a hundred birthday wishes. I think I should start to show my face back around. Maybe what iv been missing has been there all along and iv been avoiding it. Who knows? Todays a new day and another new start and who knows what tomorrow will bring. XxOo
I dont think anyone should ever doubt whether it was real love, I think what we felt and what they felt for us was definitely real, as Robert said the look in her eyes was real and I too have seen and felt that his love for me was real too!
Their ability to cope with the real love is what is the issue!
Went and met the girl for the first time I think it was thursday night? Oh shit I don’t even know? things went well I thought 2-1/2 hrs oflight fun talk said she wants to see me again. Friday night she said she’s out with her gfriend. Told her if she gets bored to call me.called me saturday morning if I want to go out. Told u guys I have a second date. Waited until 730pm called her she said she has to pick up her kid at movies can we meet later?I said sure. Received text saying its too late to hang out and would another time be ok? I said yes we can go out next wkend but we can’t cause I have my kids. I just told her that. Now I don’t hear from her. Should I move on? I’m not feeling too happy today I think I got dumped? Any ideas from you ladies?
Hi Lost…..I dont think you have been dumped, I think she may think you have made an excuse about next weekend!
I would call her back or text and say sorry about next weekend its not an excuse, can we make a date as soon as possible?
I know what you are feeling, you are anxious, you dont want to seem pushy because you have been pushed away, I feel the same, this morning I spent 4 hours wondering should I text the guy I have been on 2 dates with we text every other day and he called last but I was so nervous in case I got rejected but I did it and I waited a nervous 9 minutes before he responded and every minute I thought he will ignore me ( we are so used to being ignored? ) but he answered and we exchanged several texts, he said he wants to see me again and hopefully we will sort something!
Try….what do you have to lose? 😉
Hi Lost and Found,
You sound like such a wonderful person!
Call her and confirm a date with her.
Then, as Raan said, don’t call for a few days… let her crave you…. somehow this works with everyone…. notice how our bp’s not calling us has driven us nuts for them… human nature I guess…
Good luck with this lady!
🙂 Josie
Give her some time to think about you…call her in a few days
Oooh…..look how different men and women think!! lol
Hows things Raan? x
Thanks raan. Two ladies I know told me the same thing. But I feel like if I don’t move fast and keep on top of this she will forget about me. The thought of being forgotten puts me in a bad place. I went to my neighbors house this morning they have pittbull dogs that they fight and I hate it! And I hate them! I told them the next time I hear them beat a dog they will have to deal with me. I through a old dog house over the fence and told them to use it. They may want to come after me now and I don’t give a fuck. Feeling of being forgotten is prob from being abandon by bpgirl. I understand what I’m doing I know its not right but I just don’t care.
I have to agree here Lost……I have quite a few men asking me for dates at the moment but if they dont call (like one I have known for 18 months and hasnt called for 2 weeks) I tend to do what a Bipolar does…..put them to the bottom of the pack!!
Recived a text just now. Tomorrow night she wants to see me 🙂 and I almost got myself killed for nothing lol. Ohh well its not all for nothing atleast I don’t think they will touch that poor dog again 🙂 screw them cruel idiots.
ha yeah wishing too true and also see how we jump to conclusions too without anything being wrong lol, pmsl robert, so you feel better now?? yeah maybe they’ll use the house for the dog now!! xx
I was reading an article yesterday ladies, about whether you should text a guy…it said NO, DONT LET THEM THINK YOU ARE KEEN?
Then I read another article asking guys what they thought there were 5 answers and every guy said “I love it when a lady texts me, shows she likes me, makes it easier to ask her out!”
So Guys, should we call you, or should we let you do the chasing?
All the woman I date like my assertiveness. But when I ask the woman friends of mine what to do they tell me back off. So again I didn’t listen to them and texted her that since I’m the man 🙂 and I’m not going to disappear *poof* then I need to know if your gonna go *poof* and be gone? She said she’s not going anywhere 🙂 asked if monday or wensday is good and I told her monday is best 🙂 ladies you need to text call fire a flare gun or use homing pigeons. Anything to make us know you care. Once we know you care we can open up to show you how much we love you guys. I truly admire and love woman. I’m a give my heart away type of guy. I’d take a bullet for you without a second thought. I respect the hell out of a woman who can show me she cares 🙂
LOVE IT….simply love it!!
I think its an age thing personally, yes in your 20’s maybe men need more freedom to look around, sow oats, whatever but I think at this age men are looking for what we are, loyalty, caring, loving and TRUST….something we are all a bit short of on this site!
I text him he seemed pleased, he answered, in fact he kept answering I was the one who left the text convo after 5/6 texts and hopefully I will have a date too!
Have heard that before Robert about men not opening up until they are sure a woman cares…I think you should do what your heart is telling you?
I have never beat my kids my dogs or my woman and I never will. And if you send us a simple text like the one I got today it makes a world of difference and we will chase you anywhere you go. Around the kitchen table into the living room and up the stairs 🙂 and if you let us catch you once in awhile we will love the hell out of you 🙂 XxOo
…..and that’s all we want……LOVE! 😉
I went from feeling down and out this morning to feeling at the top of the world now. All because one simple little text saying she’s not going anywhere 🙂 my feelings go to exstrems and I know it. But I will follow my feelings wish just like you said. And I always love all the people on this string. You are my friends and I mean that in the most sincer and honest way a person can. Trust/wish/michelle/bitterbabe/little quiet josie 🙂 and yes even you raan and your a guy eww lol. I tty all later and wish pander would come back to this string too! Anyone I may have left out please don’t feel bad I love you too!
I think that’s a trait that has been passed on to us Robert, when someone of the opposite sex now says something nice to me, I feel wonderful…..I think its years of not so nice things being said?
You are going to have to follow your feelings and instincts as you get back into the dating game, the trust will come!
Your lovely…and been a lot of help to us all! 🙂
Awww wish you should know better then to say that to the mentally unstable 🙂 I’m in such a good mood I may try swimming across this duck pond divide and give you a big giant hug 🙂 woudnt that be something lol.
That certainly would and if there’s a wedding, I shall expect an invite! 😉
I have been across the pond a few times, I have an American brother but he’s in Florida!
Well I have a date too, Wednesday, just fixed it up, so went with my feelings and instinct…..just got to lose 5lb’s by Wednesday now…lol 🙂
Ha ha wishing – good luck for your date on wednesday – your you and a wonderful you at that, so no need to even think about losing the five pounds. hey wishing i have got an american(half) sister and she lives in florida too, how weird! these little concidences that pop up on here every now and again are so funny. yes robert, panda been gone a while now, no internet at work and no computer at home, maybe they’ll come back one day, who knows. M xxxx
Thank you Michelle, you just look at yourself critically after what we have been through even though my BPx would always tell me ” its not your fault, its mine, you are never to blame” but you feel like you did something wrong?
Stupid I know but after he left I couldnt stop thinking, was I too fat, was I boring, was I useless in bed, I suppose I am looking for someone and maybe thats why I am dating to make me feel good again!
And Robert maybe you did, he told me I had really fu–ed up his head, if I didnt mean anything, would that have happened??
In responce to Theodora
Be jebbus what the hell are you thinking? Of course we got feelings. More feeling then Helen Keller 😉 when we love we love hard and if loveing someone with bipolar hurts I must have damn near killed her…
Wishing I’m sure with a prize as sweet as you your new man has already realised he’s got the totle package and that’s five pounds more of you to love. But if it makes you feel good then doit 🙂 and as far as loving them to death goes I’m not sure I’m buying into that. Yes I may have started it but she was the one forcing it further and further with talks of marriage and telling me how special and I’m all she ever needs ect. She dumped me and I waited four months for her to come back before I gave up to the point I am at now. All she had to do was hang on for the ride and I never would have left her. If she don’t miss me or the love we shared and she has no problem jumping in bed with someone else then god bless her little heart cause I know its been hell to pay for me.
Ha ha Robert thats lovely thank you….think I would like to do it but WEDNESDAYS pushing a bit!!
Actual I am only a British size 12 (think that’s the American equivalent of a…size 8)
Have you only been split from her for 4 months, I had imagined longer? Did you call her since she went, did you tried to get her back, what were her reasons for going, was it someone else?
Nope split up last february after I drove to her in a blizzard to shovel her snow. She told me I showed up unannounced and I freaked her kids out. I tried to keep communication open for four months I tried and that’s when she told me she has moved on and that I also need to move on. And told me not to write to her anymore and that hurt so bad I told her I’d do it for her cause I truly love her so I let my pretty little girl go. And you guys know the rest. Wishingwell your just a tiny little thing better keep the extra five pounds in case it gets windy this winter. Either that or tie a cinder block to you so you don’t blow away 😉
Its funny you should say that, he used to say how did how did a tiny little girl have such a tight grip….didnt stop him getting away though!
Thats what worries me in the back of my mind, I know its over and I want to move on but I have been here so many times!
He has never said its over before though, I am the one who has always said that but its never been really over I always kept communication going, now I am not keeping it going and that’s scary.
I am wondering if my subconscious (do I think he will be back again) is stopping me from really grieving for what has gone because apart from a few tears everyday I am coping well?
As far as sex goes don’t ever blame yourself. Wishing I think said sex means nothing to them? I think the oppiset I think sex meant everything to her I gave her intence hot sex (her words not mine) we have nothing in common except hot sex and that’s the way I like it. Also her words. I asked are you going to dump me? She said no! I was dumped only a few days later. Tired of always ducking it I gave up and let myself get cought. Then I regretted it a short time later after I rested. To run from love? Into another mans arms even after a few months leaves me speechless. Wish best of luck on your date. Feel the excitment of starting new. Michelle you too babe relax and let it in. You don’t have to work so hard when its true iv heard. I say my prayers everynight everyone included.I want all of us to move into a better place including the ones who brought us here. The anger I sometimes have is not for her its for me and that horrible personality flaw.
I dont think I meant sex means nothing to them, I think what I meant was the person they are having sex with at the time means nothing ( as in the F–k Buddy, mine had! )
He used to say the sex was good, very good. He used to say he was very sexual. I used to sometimes think and tell him I was worried that was all he seemed to want but he would say ” its my way of expressing love?”
I have since read that this is Mens way of showing love, so now I am confused as to whether that was a Bipolar trait?
Ok folks, let’s review. We got a group of seemingly educated very nice people who seem to be missing their own apples from the tree, due to either low self esteem, self worth or a host of other personality traits. The BP partners we have chosen to spend time with either are making us feel like we are in heaven or have grabbed their hats and left us with a return date only they control. We go from being the saint to the villain depending on the wind direction and should our partners want to fly a kite with us they have to hold the string.
what’s wrong with this picture? We need to meet some new and normal people. If you’ve spawned like I have, the exits from these relationships are often not that easy to see, but the choices we have are ours to make.
Many of the actors are different but the movie for all of us has the same storyline. One of the biggest wake up calls in all this turmoil was that I had to look at who and what type of person I was and that was no fun for awhile. Especially when being in these relationships was the answer for who I was. That was a slap in the face.
We cannot change people no matter how hard we try. They have to do that for themselves. IN the meantime, we gotta learn to take care of ourselves first (selfish, maybe)but healthy.
mark thankyou so correct my friend
all u guys my girlfriend rang me she has been with her BP for 10 years
I told her I had not seen or heard for 1 year , she was not surprised , she laughed & said YES that is the way they play ..they are most stubborn , will try to break u with games & if that does not work they will use silence & no contact. they then have their cake & eat it too
put u on the pause button while they play around then if u come back to them they will play the new game with u until they get bored from that then they play the ” am not in love with you line ”
she is a nurse & her BP is constantly medicated , but even so he is loyal to her but has other bad traits that I couldnt handle myself.
I think mark is right MOVE on
over & out from Bittersweet
Mark your absolutly right we got to keep moving on. Not just partner to partner like they do just move in our own direction for me its to find true love in one person I want to share it with. I think that holds true for all of us. Wishing my x-wife used to get pissed off at me for telling her I love her during sex uhh duh that’s why they call it making love lol and that’s part of the reason she’s my xwife and not my wife 😉 also you dated a guy bp and I dated a girl bp and we both had the same results. Now if having a hypor sex drive while being in totle love with someone is a bipolar trait? We are all in big trouble 🙂 I would discount that area lol. Yes sex maybe good for them but if they found a partner who can not only keep up with them but leave them a crumpled up mess past out on the bed. Then why would they move on? I mean are they stupid sometimes? Are we all just fuc* buddies? Who knows and tonight for me who cares lol. There loss. So smart they let the best thing they ever had go. Fly a kite and let them hold the string lmfao be jebbus 🙂 I’m going out tomorrow night and I’m just going to be me. I hope it goes smooth. Cause I’m not ready to kill myself just yet lol. Its a good night. I hope for more of them.
Bitterbabe chimes in time to shap up or ship the hell out! Over and out lol. Omg where is michelle tonight? I have to admit I enjoy chatting with all of you.do these fools know what damn fools they are? Always such smart asses and they blew it with people like you guys? How freaking dumb is that? Wow its there loss too. Part of what’s making me feel better is knowing what great people you guys are and going through the same as me. Maybe we or me aren’t so bad after all?
haha yeah very very dumb of them!! yeah just be you and all will be fine i’m sure of it xxx
They’re ill. That’s one of the sad parts about these stories. But one of the real kickers is….. we too got some issues. I for one relate to that Narcissitic post someone put out; and codependency issues, yea thats me. So, the suites got some holes that need patched. But I’m working on em, I’m working on em.
Hey robert & mark
there is an expert on every corner ”
but not me , my insecurities caused all my problems
I thought he would not leave me for someone new because we had something special ( wrong ) nothing is special to them ..except themselves . my friend says they are not capable , but they are capable of running, playing new games & having fun with other NEW fuking people
I just dont GET it ..never will
am trying to bow out gracefully but underneath am so rejected I want break something aaaggghhhh
from bitterbabe
The others are just pawns, BOREDOM, has a strange way of rearing its head. After all, the thread is title “do bpers have FEELINGS
Mark, i agree yeah we got some issues too, and we probably wouldnt of had a good look at those issues unless these people had been in our lives, i’m not sure i would of anyway! i posted the borderline/narcissist post, i got borderline traits (not all of them i might add) and have read all of tammi greens stuff, bought her books etc and AJ Mahari, you can google her or even watch her on you tube – Highly recommended!!!! yeah the codependency issues too, spent years figuring all that out lol. book upon book from the library!! so i also am working on them too – not easy is it, but we’ll get there eventually! said it before and i’ll say it again, look at steve and kim coopers website called narcissim cured bought her book too, she is really really good!! got loads of books i could recommend lol xxxxxx
Bitterbabydoll. Don’t break anything you will have to clean it up!..you break something good your going to feel really bad 🙂
Thanks guys
will break a leg as they say ‘ know who’s bloody leg id like to break . treats the one who stood by him like something on his shoe & the pawns get the maximum benefit of the manic good time ..sheeeez is there any bloody conscience at all cause know there aint no love left.
today I want to screach from the highest building what a bloody Idiot I am/was to actually believe what he said & cop his crap for 12 years.
Gotta say in the end I gave as good as I got , he must have liked that cause he played the game sooooooo well.
dont think I will be moving back up the deck of cards…
somehow .. its been 1 year now LOL
from Bittersweet / babe/ heartbroken 🙂
So we will never really know where we stood with them? Were we the pawns? In a bigger playing field? Sometimes now that I think about it I would see the headlights of cars on more then one night come down her street and turn around before getting to her house. Were these x-lovers also looking for the love of there life seeing if she’s home but seeing my bike or car outside and leaving? She used to tell me her x husband was controlling? Maybe to her controlling is keeping her home and on meds? Time to stop thinking why they do what they do and try to put the apples back on our own trees? Where is michelle with her self help arsenal? That girl is a walking encyclopedia of knowledge.she’s awesome..
hahaha thank you lost…… big hugs to all xxxx
I have been told by terri that I was controlling, and in particular- about taking meds on time. I guess having a stupid naive 17 year old makes it easy to do whatever the F**k you like. The hell with doing the responsible thing….
I never had problems with my BP love…until this year. You folks talk about this “move on and the hell with us” thing that repeats with BP’s…is this what I am to expect from here on???
I think that she fits right in there with all of the rest of the BP’s on here NOW…is it simply an episode??? Does anyone think that she will eventually come back to her old self and want to come back to me and STAY???? That is, IF she gets triggered into another psychotic episode. The trick is to de-stress them as much as possible? keeps them on the sane and level more so? What about MY sanity? Sheesh!!!
I have been doing okay…but still very depressed. I don’t want to work, or go anywhere.
I have asked out 8 or so women and have been on two dates in the last month. NOT ONE wants to go out with me and the two that did…never heard from them again…
I have NEVER had this problem before…is somethingwrong with me now? Am I getting too old and looking burned out???
I do have to admit…being with a 24 year old for the last 4 years, well….I am not too attracted to women my own age anymore…perhaps that’s part of the problem???
I feel very rejected from my LOVER, but also anyone that I ask out…what the F**k???
cya good folks…I think I am going to call Terri right now and see how her black eye is doing …maybe.
Well, I did not call..wanted to. maybe tomorrow?
I miss her and our kids so badly.
Raan
do what u think is best , but just dont let her take u under & break u again
I know how hard it can be …& the kids OMG those poor bloody kids
U r the only stable thing in their life , this is truly a tragic time for you
am sorry
regards from Bittersweet
Raan raan raan. What am I going to do with you?
You didn’t cause this. Bipolar is a defect in the way the brain fires to the frontal cortex or some shit like that. Its a mixture of many things including personality disorders. Its a terrible thing that does not go away but can be treated. Only most refuse treatment for various reasons of there own. There is an un ending amount of things to be learned and trouble to be had. All I can say is my xbpgf was married twice and has two kids from the first husband. I can only tell you how things work for him. He’s remarried and has kids with his new wife and he sees his kids ever week. If she comes back you will need to talk to her about getting some sort of treatment maybe cognetive treatment is needed? Yes being with a 24 yr old in bed may be fun but eventually you will have to talk to her lol. I dated a 22yr old a few yrs back and let me tell you I took her out twice and couldn’t take it anymore. The second date I brought her home at 930pm and she still didn’t get it lol. Nothing in common between us not even the same music. And man was she dumb. Nothing beats a beautiful smart sexy loving careing older woman between 38 and 50 😉 I would never even think of going with a girl under 36 or so. Ten yrs in either direction is good. Everytime I got dumped I try to make myself better. Work out quit smoking buy a motorcycle and get a tattoo or two 🙂 piss on me and I’m gonna try and make sure the next time she sees me I’ll looking good 🙂 sure I have my breakdowns. But if it don’t kill ya itl make you stronger. Take care of yourself. Terry sees you looking good and sporting a new WOMAN on your arm and she will be eating shit. Oh do not tell your dates anything about what your going through. Its a big turn off for them to see there date upset over another girl. Just tell em things didn’t work out. And its not lieing either.
terri’s good friend nearby here just wrote me on facebook because she talked to terri briefly and wanted me to know what terri told her because she like us together, and wants to give me some insight….
Her friend Laura wrote me this:
“all she told me that yall relationship was pretty much dull and she felt it wasn’t getting any better!”
Amazing…..it’s interesting that she told me and everyone she knew how wonderful I am and how HAPPY she was. It must be SERIOUSLY DULL having NO money NO going out to restaurants 24/7 like we always did, and having NO help from the kids Daddy anymore(me).
IS terri’s comment a crock of sh*t or is there possibly any truth to it? IF it is how she feels truly…what can I do about it in the long run? have a blast when we get together visiting the kids? Should I talk about it with her? Say things like…IF we ever got back together, I want to do a LOT more FUN things…never a dull moment, etc….
WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK???
OR< is it just yet another new excuse???
I have been thinking about this…shoot, we went to amusement parks, the lake all of the time, McDonalds almost 5 days a week to let the kids play, Shopping a lot, Restaurants almost every night, renting DVD's all of the time, playstation games -new ones all of the time, chucky cheeses…shoot- she doesn't do ANY of this stuff anymore…not one bit!
I took more time off JUST so we could go out and have a good time more often than I want to admit…I gave her all of the love I could give, and it's a LOT…
HOW can I be regarded as DULL????
Am I worrying about nothing? Is it at all possible she was bored with me??? I sure had NO indication of it…
This woman makes NO sense to me whatsoever.
I know, I know….she's BIPOLAR.
I'm just wondering deep down if there's anything to this.
Raan
they are users of the highest order, through their illness unfortunately . am most concerned that she will play u again & u will wind up in pain again, because even with good intention on their behalf , they cant help novelty seeking . Its in their DNA. even if she does come back & am hoping she will for you and the kids, would u be able to trust her , ..read Mark’s post above
Boredom has a way of rearing its ugly head , they say it is dull to justify their own sneakyness. They are liars too maybe not deliberately but they do lie , and u may after this episode ,figure out how to handle her …controlling her with meds & money I think would be the only thing that will work . Then she will use u as the babysitter when she goes into another episode which can have them in bed with jack the ripper & they are too stupid to see it..
If u can handle all the stuff they keep throwing at u , and work out a different way to deal with it for the kids sake I wish u every success, & pray u will be OK
regards from Bittersweet
i WROTE HER FRIEND lAURA BACK AND SAID SOMEWHAT WHAT WHAT I SAID HERE EARLIER AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE ME BACK:
“Well what I meant was the compassionate love life. Ya’ll slept in different rooms and etc. That’s what she told me. Too me she seemed happy when ya’ll was together. But idk. I don’t want to know all of what’s going on with ya’ll. There is some things needs to be kept jus between ya’ll. But that’s all that was said. She felt like the spark wasn’t strong like it was before.”
The sleeping in different rooms was not accurate, as I went to bed with her lots of times, but terri goes to bed at 9 or 10 at the latest usually, and after she conked out, I would go downstairs and watch tv as I am a night owl….
I think she DOES have a valid point to some degree, and I am going to bring this up with Terri when I talk to her next. I am going to run by her what **I** would like to see happen IF she would consider trying to give us a chance again…a MORE passionate relationship, more intimacy, sleeping in the same bed ALL of the time, etc. IF this is REALLY an issue, then she will LIKE what I am saying, and if all I get is excuses, then it’s just that from her-an excuse and not a valid point.
IF this is the real reason why she left, and I KNOW deep down she loves me, then
1) she will be impressed that I am aware of this and want to do something about it…
2)she would be hard pressed to say NO to me having a good valid plan to make it work…
It’s a long shot, but what the heck…
Thinking about what I last wrote… I KNOW she is sick…I KNOW what I am planning on telling her is likely to be met with resistance….I know that she will likely say NO….
But, It’s worth a try. In all honesty, THIS DOES SEEM LIKELY to be the REAL core issue IF she is NOT MANIC…and I know she is, but…
This “problem” with us as she described it to her friend Laura tonight seems to be the most likely reason IF it is VALID.
If not, well…I give up. Really.
You people are GREAT on here!!!!!
Hi guys,
Remember how I told you guys that I emailed him and he replied for me not to send emails? Well I emailed him back saying: “As you wish! Goodbye then!”
Well, that was five days ago. This morning I get this email from him. “Stop.Your emails are unopened,and unread.Go away.—–”
What do you guys think? Why did he email me this five days after I said ‘goodbye’ to him? I thought my email pretty much ended it on a final note.
Does he in one way want to continue talking to me? Does he want to aggravate me ? Does he want to be the one with the final word?
I am confused. I don’t know whether to answer this email or just let it go, but I am tempted to just let it go.
LET IT GO……
yep let it go …….
Well, actually the truth is I would love to say to him: “I love you”, but because you want me to go away, I will go away” or something to that effect.
I just don’t want to anger him or send him into an episode.
After all, there must be some reason that he is pushing me away. I must be a threat to him.
Josie, Josie, Josie….didnt you read some of my posts?
I wrote the very same thing, I finished it just before Christmas last year, ended completely I had just found out he had taken someone else on holiday??
On Christmas morning (2.30am whilst I was asleep) I received one text after another saying DONT CONTACT ME, ITS OVER, I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE, I DONT NEED YOU!!
I hadnt contacted him since I told him it was over?
At a later date when we did get back together (end January)I asked him what that was all about, he said, “its called PANIC babe”
ITS WHAT THEY DO, WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY OUT OF THE DOOR…. AND THEY KNOW IT?
Read the first thing on the other post….Theodora wrote, “yes we love you, thats why we push you away!
But thats not the issue here Josie, I was pushed away more times than I can remember and I always went back because I know he loves me, I know he wants everything from me, but as he said ” I JUST CANT HANDLE IT”
You can keep going back, you can stay on the rollercoaster, many people do, sometimes I think, “for the good times, the really special times, I will stay”
but then there are the bad times, the pain from what they say, the fear from the anger, the loneliness, the self doubt, the suspicion that they are screwing others, and thats the time you have to ask yourself…
IS IT WORTH IT?
WOW….I think I will have to start sleeping during the day and staying awake all night so I am on the same time zone as all you guys, I missed so much!….lol
Firstly Marks comment on boredom, yes they get bored easily, mine would say “I like to keep it all new…like the first time?” perhaps that’s why they have a thrill from sleeping with so many others?
And RAAN, sorry but maybe she is now BORED, its hard, I know but you have to accept the age thing, she has maybe realised shes very young, if a young person likes the excitement of being young then add BP and she is going to want twice as much excitement?
I told you what the 17 year old represents, I have a 16 almost 17 year old son he has a string of girls, he doesnt fall in love, hes not interested in love, he wants fun, he doesnt care what they do…. and he will walk away at a moments notice and move on to the next….thats called being young, you have a combination of Terri and the 17 year old….its not good?
RAAN this is it now, it wont go back, I had months of good like you but when it changed it never went back, she wont return to how it was in the beginning, she may move on and do good thing with someone else for a while but NOT YOU… not forever anyway!!
You have to stop thinking its all your fault, I was “lucky” he often told me ” THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, ITS MY PROBLEM!” I know I didn’t do anything wrong and I know I cant fix it!
You have to decide if this is what you want, if you can take all this BAD for moments of GOOD?
BITTERSWEET….I thought the same as you, he wont leave me, we have something really special….BUT HE DID!
And ROBERT…oh Robert, I could fall in love with you, 😉 a man who has real feelings, tells you he loves you, chases you around the kitchen table and is clever enough to work out that a 35+ lady has everything he desires! If any of us will make it out of here and back into normality, YOU WILL!
And MARK….YES, there are now some apples missing from the tree, branches have been broken and the leaves have long blown away……
BUT I AM STILL STANDING!! 🙂
hehe so many posts – takes ages to read them all we would def need to stay up all night ha. nad ha wishing we are all still standing just like naked trees pmsll xx
Bitterbabe/josie
I am not sure that jive theodora wrote is on the up and up. After all she is bp and in her mind maybe this way of thinking makes it right? But in my mind and from what I see they run not only from us the one they supposedly love but they also run from there pawns when they return to us? I have a feeling all the sweet talk I was told is repeated over and over to each of us because it works for them. Why stick around long enough to love someone if it hurts? And why would they hurt themself by leaving the ones they love when all they would have to do is stay and enjoy it? The more I think about it the more I feel the only one they truly love is themself. And she used to tell me all the time that she loves herself. She once posted pictures of herself on fbook looking like a spaced out fairy princess on crack 🙂
That ones easy Robert….they RUN because it hurts LESS than STAYING!!
And most Bipolars HATE themselves not LOVE themselves!!
they run because they are MENTALLY ILL!!! you people have said to me…they don’t think like you and I…
I think that she will come back…eventually. Will I be waiting? probably not. Depends on how fast she comes back to reality.
I think she will be very hard pressed to keep up with her new bills coming and with the Holidays on top of this…she ought to wake up and smell the coffee soon, or break a coffee pot in a manic rage at a restaurant…one of the two.
She just may well be trying to recoup her teen years she never had because she plopped out three babies since her Junior year of High school. explains the 17 year old BF…
being with a BP is like a box of chocolates.
Bitterbabe
I am trying to piece together where we stood in there minds. Why I’m doing it? Well I guess it helps me sort out my feelings. Knowing the truth of what and how they think. So listening to all these postings I am thinking maybe I was her play time toy? Manic for her meant she was at the top.at party’s she was the loudest in the house! The look in her eyes was almost always one of lust until the love making started then the lust look changed to love look 🙂 and she would go on about her collage degrees and her work. Posting pictures on face book looking like a spaced out princess lol. Then I think that when she got depressed she would take off. I very rarely got to see her if ever in that state. When I showed up un announced and got dumped I think she was going into that change and did not want me around for it so she dumped me. Its all so mind boggling. When I think I have it figured out at does a twist that leaves me scratching my head in disbelief. And I’m sure if we ever met the sparks would fly. You can get a pretty good idea of how a person is while chatting on here. And I’m sure you are fascinating woman 😉
yes, you are very fascinating bittersweet. All of you people are. I have grown to become anxious about reading this blog regularly. I LOVE all of the comments and banter on here.
yeah, I’m a mess at times, but I truly relish the comments and learn from you folks. I am starting to realize that I start to have it all figured out, and then I fall off the wagon so to speak and it is YOU people on here that whip me back into shape.
it’s funny, I am a fairly intelligent man, loving kind…it’s amazing to me that a lil 24 year old princess i love can turn me into a blubbering mess of a man by a simple breakup. I have NEVER been turned into such a husk of a man from a breakup…until I met Terri. I think Bipolars rub off into your psyche and after they bolt….they turn you into one!!~!~!!
I am waiting for me to bolt now…will I push myself away when i do? Will I hate myself for doing it? or, will I just make excuses and lie to myself and just play game after game until I crash too???
Wow.
good point raan, do we really start to turn into them and do what they do??? have we seem enought that we end up emulating them?? any ideas? xxx
Raan you will fall from the wagon I have many times, but I think I have it figured out….it may not be how everyones else figures it out BUT I want to move on now.
I cant fix it, I miss him something terrible, I cant believe its only been 5 weeks since we spent a wonderful weekend together and he was going to change my world but instead he rocked it to the core…..
I wish I could be friends with him, I wish we could just meet up and talk and just be there but I know he wont do that, so I will have to get used to the thought of never seeing him again!
I have forgiven, I see it as an illness, maybe it was just a game, some seem revengeful and who could blame anyone but I JUST dont!
Whether its down to the illness or down to just being plain nasty and bad people I will never be sure but I know one thing, I LET IT HAPPEN, I could have walked at any time so I do have some of the blame!
Raan
Youl prob do like I did and or still do. Lie to yourself that you don’t miss her and take care of your body and mind and go out and find yourself a real partner who will not play games and mess up your head. A person you will trust and relate too a beautiful smart edgucated woman.you will always have terry in your life. You are linked to her by your kids. It may help you to know you have a legal right to be around her to see your kids. The rest of us do not have that right. We will possibly never see ours again and that was at first a tough pill to swallow. Its just like my girl had passed away except I know she is out there somewhere. But I will not stop trying to move past and onto better days. What ever you do doit for yourself and the kids.
Josie bitterbabe is right let go of the string its the hardest part. Its so sad I know. But think about the pro and cons of it. Sit down and build a list of what you will have with them verses what you will have with someone else?
With them you get:
Left behind when they split.
Low self esteem.
Lied to.
Possible STD’s.
Cheated on
Good sex but is it really good after finding out you are sharing? Umm gross.
Now what you get with someone else:
There heart and soul for real each and everyday.
Warmth and hugs you know they really care everyday. A future together.
They will be there for you if you are sad or ill.
They will be there with you during happy times as well as bad.
Trust and genuine intimat romance 🙂
The best loving making love not just having sex.
Someone who will be there for you when you both get old and crusty lol.
Get the idea?
Robert…..are you getting Bitterbabe and ME mixed up….because I think Bitter is asleep….shes in OZ?? lol 😉
Roberts right anyway Josie….you will have all those things, mine would say “I dont do sharing” he meant he doesnt share me….it was ok to share him?? GO FIGURE??
The loneless is something you will have to get used to look at us all…Raan, alone 2 months now, Bitterbabe, alone a year now, Michelle alone about a year I think, Lost alone 4 months?, Me, alone nearly the whole of the time we were together??
Self esteem….read what we have all wrote, there are days we are all self critical, down, depressed, do you want that?
TRUST….you will never have TRUST!
STD’S… that something that we have never discussed but I am sure its in all our minds?
Do you want any of that, if we have all saved one person from feeling how we have all felt at one stage then we know that what we have all wrote here has been worth it?
lmao no . There are so many things that we share that are the same I may get a little mixed up sometimes. Or it could be I try to include into my answers a little of all the postings I read all the postings and add them into one because most are done from my phone 🙂
Good morning wish! I haven’t seen mine in 8 months and no contact in the past four months. That’s a long time to be away from the person she said she loves and is special. Ohh well.
Hello Robert 😉
Longer than I THOUGHT….Here is me, a mere 5 weeks but its not really because I have had “alone time” ( Oooh I sound like a naughty 3 year old that is sitting on the naughty step….lol ) for as long as up to 6 months….I have had shorter times but most have been a month on, a month off!!
I think maybe we get forgot….maybe something jolts the memory, maybe they JUST RUN OUT OF PEOPLE??
He did say to me once, when he was feeling normal “you are and always will be SPECIAL to me and dont EVER FORGET IT” it was as though he was trying to say ” WHEN I AM IN AN EPISODE OR I HAVE RUN AGAIN, REMEMBER THOSE WORDS?”
……Who knows…who really knows?
Yes wishing funny you should say that, maybe they know they are going and will be back at some point, where they go i have no idea!! he’ll be back at some point, its early days even at 5 weeks, are you prepared for that?? xxx
what differs for me is the many years of consistent wonderful love we always had. Now, I am stuck dealing with this woman for the rest of my life…much difference than all of you folks.
Somehow, I have to make it work with this confused mentally ill woman forever. Yikes.
I have CHILDREN to think about as well. if it were not for the kids…shoot, I would be LONG GONE by now.
My situation really sucks. I would change places with any of you any day of the week. WHY do you think I keep trying to make it work? not because I’m interested in being a whipping post.
I miss how it was a few short months ago. I hope and pray that things work out for us. I really do. Thanks folks
Raan, it is sad and I feel for you, I know you want to make it work and maybe in your own way you can make it work BUT you will have to put up with so much, you will have to become something you are not now?
You will have to be very strong and very resistant to what is thrown at you, you will have days of screaming, wild behaviour, other men, lies…. 10% do make their marriages work, can you be one of the 10%? Can you put in a 100% whilst she puts in nothing because it will be all about her?
And just to add fuel to the fire, Bipolar is hereditary, your daughter has a 50% chance of this illness, you will then have 2 people in the house to deal with…..my ex’s mother is Bipolar!!
You have some hard decisions to make, your daughter will always be a part of your life, if you choose to walk away Terri will be a smaller part until your daughter is an adult…. then Terri has no part in your life?
Find someone else would be my advise, someone to support you, someone to love you…really love you…and someone you can enjoy the rest of your life with!
Hi Wishing,
Yes, that’s what he must have meant.
Mine said something similar “Please don’t worry when I don’t call. It’s because I can’t. So don’t think it’s over.” Although it’s hard to believe that when it’s months and months on end.
I know we should just forget it and move on. I know.
But let’s face it. The reason we are all on this blog is because we are having a difficult time forgetting this person who has jilted us after adoring us. We are the proverbial rat in the experiment where they alternated food with shocks. Remember that one? I can’t recall the actual name of the experiment, but the rats who were alternated with food pellets and shocks were the ones most addicted to returning to the site of shock, regardless of trauma, just in case they would get the food pellet one more time. Yup, that’s us.
That’s why normal people don’t have the same attraction for us. The intensity is now lacking for our own brain wiring.
ha josie exactly right, the skinner box experiment omggggg and fortunatley in the end there is a decline to the response. we end up not going back1!!! gonna read up on that lol xxx
Josie- GREAT analogy! Spot on my dear!!!
I think I am shocked and lobotomized…
shock THERAPY…not very therapeutic though.
Yes Josie, there is truth in that analogy but unless you want the same you have to find something in normal people…..
Yes we are all drawn to Bipolars, look at the Bipolars on our television screens…. maybe different where you all are but here in England there are a lot of famous people with Bipolar AND they all make us laugh, they entertain us, they draw us to watching them, they have a magnetism that makes them stand out, thats what we have had but when the T.V is turned off and the screen is blank….
WHAT DO WE HAVE THEN?
yep – robin williams is bipolar!! who’d of thought it eh?? xxx
Touche’ Wishing! ANOTHER great analogy!!
I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE it!
No offence meant Michelle because I know you are trying to help everyone and God knows we need help…
BUT I GOT IN TO THIS LOVE AFFAIR BECAUSE I WANTED PASSION AND LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP, CARE AND A PARTNER FOR LIFE,
Now I find myself looking at websites titled NARCISSISM CURED…..
WTF??? 😉
Because wishing, NPD and bipolar can co-exist and kim cooper gives some really good pointers. and even if it isnt co-existing in any of the BP’s we have known they all have narcissistic triats, trust me. i have read and read about this….. someone said they were always accused of being controlling, i bet we all have, they use projection and splitting, pretty similar to the borderline PD. the project onto us what they dont want to see in themselves, in fact any bad trait of theirs will be projected onto us. ie: if they are emotionally unavailable, they wil say it is us who is, and if they are angry all the time they will say that we are angry all the time. also they use confabulation………….. leave it with me and i will post a few parts of the book when i get a minute and you will see what i mean. M xxxxx
Michelle, I know what you mean, I know what hes done and I know what hes like and knowledge is a wonderful thing and God knows if I had known anything about Bipolar maybe I would have gone passed GO without collecting my £200…..
BUT my head is in one piece, my heart is broken BUT my legs can still RUN and shouldn’t we be thinking…. lets get out of this mess, lets start again, lets find the LOVE and PASSION we wanted, not trying to work out what they are and what they have done and why they have done it??
I mean all that in the nicest way….they are ill, we cant fix it,
Yeah i know wishing, i dont do that anymore, been there and done that for too long lol xxxx
Wishing, this is a little bit at the start of the e book:-
I know its long and you dont have to read it, but hopefully you will see what i mean, its so similar to bipolar.
Now before I get to the steps I want you to take I will give you a bit of background on my marriage …
I am not going to dwell on the bad times. It might make for a sensationalist read and big claims of how far we have come, but if you are involved with someone that you feel is narcissistic well then you know how bad it can get and I don’t need to depress you further with my old stuff. I love Steve, and honour myself, and there is not much to be proud of in our worst moments. So briefly, I was for years in despair at the stark contrast between how he gave royal treatment to and ‘performed’ for friends and visitors while in private he put us and others down, being nearly constantly fed up with myself and our three kids. This came across in his tone of voice as well as his disinterest in us. I suffered many assaults, physical and emotional, and I was guilty of many angry and embarrassing outbursts myself.
This had gone on for years and my main efforts were to please him. This only got my heart broken over and over and left me more deeply resentful and angry after each attempt.
It all really came crashing down on me however when I was backing up his computer and found a whole other side of him that I had no previous knowledge of. This included credit cards that I knew nothing about, some that he had used to buy himself nights out to the symphony, dinners at flash restaurants, top shelf porn DVD’s, etc., while the kids and I were at home alone most nights barely getting by on his bartender wages and answering
repeated phone calls from debt collectors. He had signed up for a house sitting agency, looking for a house sitting job that he could use as his spare ‘bachelors pad’ when he was not even capable of maintaining the flat that we already rented. I also discovered a picture that he had saved, along with other telling mementos, of a Japanese girl who had spent three summers with us, of her together with himself and my three kids as if they were a family, without me, and a business card which he had designed for himself describing himself as an extraordinary public figure. I was shattered. It was at this time that I started in earnest on my journey of pain and self discovery that has now lead me at last to emotional
security and a peaceful family…
This other life of Steve’s was nearly complete fantasy, but at the time I had no idea what to think. In reality it being fantasy, did not hurt me any less, but made it more confusing and disturbing… He was fantasizing about idyllic relationships with other women, but how he was treating us because of it was far from fantasy. I finally understood why he was starting fights whenever I wanted to talk about money. I finally realized why he hated me being good to him. He pretended to himself that I was the “nightmare” that he called me to justify
his own bad behaviour. When I was nice, it challenged these rationalisations. Not only had he been lying to me and betrayed my trust, he had also scape-goated me for his bad behaviour. I was angry, hurt, confused, jealous and devastated.
After speaking with a woman at a local community support centre I began looking up information
on narcissism on line. The shoe fit perfectly, the articles I read described in detail my horrible prince of a husband that others constantly told me I was so lucky to have. The fantasized relationships, the confabulation (look up this word, it is what narcissists do), and the frustration I experienced trying to come to an agreement with him on anything.
I remembered my visits to where he was working in this new light and I shuddered. It is not hard for a man to get Narcissistic supply (attention and adoration) when he serves the drinks late at night to some of the worst alcoholics in town. It was truly horrible, there was a group of drunk guys around the bar who spent nearly an hour saying over and over to me (and to him) what a great and wonderful guy he was. Steve of course lapped all of this up only to make haughty and scathing judgments of these men later to me when we got home. In his mind he was soon to be running the place (I had believed him when he told me this) but after speaking with his manager I discovered that he was on the verge of being fired because of his arrogance towards his superiors. His ‘big show’ to be favourite barman had the other staff off-side too.
The pain of these revelations, my discovery that they were symptoms of a personality disorder and the often stated ‘fact’ that there was no cure for his condition, had me in the pits of anger, jealousy, despair, fear and anxiety. My mother stood by me through this, she had seen his condescending and haughty treatment of me where our friends had not. I felt so bad for her, she was so worried for me and I was a mess. All she could possibly say was what everyone else was saying (the professionals) and that was to leave him. The man on the mental health help line said the same thing and that he (Steve) would probably end up in jail, that the jails were full of narcissists, and that no professionals would work with them because they never got better and they lie and mess with other people so badly that most were not prepared to get involved.
YES Michelle, in answer to the above post I am ready for it, but its not going to happen!!
There is nowhere to go now!
He has PUSHED and PULLED so many times, I have heard so many reasons EXCEPT ONE and he used that last time.
I knew it was coming, I didnt know when, he could have used it a million times but he didnt….maybe it was his trump card ( I must have been at the top of the pack that day Robert? )
I went with it, I had too, if I didnt I KNEW I WOULD ALWAYS WONDER….what would have, could have, should have been…..BUT I knew?
Can you imagine how it felt making love with someone KNOWING it was the last time, I KNEW IT WAS?
BUT it was for my piece of mind….
I dont blame him at all, I know he tried, I know he wanted it as much as I did, he just couldnt do it!
He will and probably has already moved on, he will have other girls but he wont see their faces, he wont look in their eyes, he wont want them in his head…..I know, because he has told me….he didn’t tell me so as I will go back to him, he told me he will never come back to me and I believe him, he had no motive to say it, it was after the break up….. he knows there is nowhere left to go!
I dont hate him at all, I cant, that is part of forgiveness and the forgiveness is for me not for him, I cant move on without forgiveness.
I have watched him over the time we have been together and he has deteriorated a lot, he now drinks more, he smokes more he looks really ill, I dont want to be the reason for that!
If being without me is better for him then that’s what I would want because I know what real love is!
I feel sorry for him because I will love again, he may not…. hes a clever man he knows what he has, he knows what he cant do and I think he knows he cant do this again…..he cant love again!
He said to me “I KEEP DOING IT….I KNOW I AM MAD”
Thank you for the article Michelle, the two sound very close.
My partner didn’t have some of those traits, he never blamed me, he was never violent, he never even raised his voice to me, he said somethings by phone I didn’t like, he sent the awful texts, but I never saw the bad side unless he was running away!
If anything he was the kindest, most gentle, well mannered person I have ever met.
He has a drink problem, he has ADHD, he has serious relationship problems, not just with me, his Mum, his daughter, his sister, his friends…..he has no friends, he cant keep friends!
I suspect a spending problem but only have evidence of it twice!
Has a commitment problem, has a lying problem, has a high sex drive, has serious depression!
But I agree with the last line, I dont think he will ever get better!
God its like they get their lines from the same text book. unbeleivable xxxxx
I know…..I have said that to Josie, hers says the same things and does exactly the same things as mine??
The women seemed to be a little different??
Funny enough I used to wonder was it all just an act…..but I know now its not!!
Michelle/wishingwell
After reading your post today I realize I cannot ever go back with her even if she wanted me back. Not out of anger but out of love for her. I think I would break down if I ever looked into her eyes again I do not think I would be able to play the stud for her ever again. I am not strong enough or cold enough in my heart or soul to be able to make love to her knowing what I know now. I would cry like a baby instead. Hold her and never let her go again and I can’t do that I know it. I cannot lock her up in a box and take her out when she’s feeling better. The loss and feeling the loss can turn into forever at any moment is what really kills me. Its like dieing a thousend times each time she walks out on me it would be disaster for me. I can’t handle it. I opened the door and let my beautiful white dove out. And the thought of it even now has brought tears to my eyes. It wrenches my heart to think about it so I will try to move on like she asked me to. Oh god why does it hurt so bad for so long?
I know Robert, I cried all the way through writing why I have to let him go, Yes I could text now and he would answer, and I could beg and he would come back….maybe, but he would go again, he knows it and I know it, and as I said you can only do the “love making for one last time thing……ONCE”
….Because it kills you, I walked away from him that last time, he kissed me, he hugged me, he waved and I knew I would never see him again…..
…..I waited 6 hours before I text him to say I was home, safely like he asked me too, because I knew that would be the final conformation, I knew he would fight with me, I knew he would find any excuse to hurt me and run from me…..I knew it all but still did it??
I have my 2nd date tonight with a woman I could build a relationship with if she will allow it. I will push the past to the back of my mind and try not to bring any of it out. There is more to this date then she will ever know. I hope it works this time.
You have fun Robert. Yes, dont go into great details yet, there will be plenty of time for that later on!
Get your best stuff on and….smell nice, women love that….lol 😉
Wishing…WOW. I really feel for you.
Talked to terri a lil while ago. I ran the ‘I think you left because of lack of passion towards before you left” (which i do not agree with completely, but it is what her friend laura told me last night). I said you traded safety and security for physical passion moreso than with me and I’ll tell you what…I’ll give you everything you need want and desire and KEEP DOING IT!!! I can’t just say it and try and trick you, as this is something you cannot fake or whatnot. i will make you much happier than you will be with anyone else…including that boy you are with. he cannot give you security, support, money, nor be the kids daddy. I can and will give it ALL to you and keep doing it. She seemed to likew what she heard, but said she was working and it isn’t a good time to talk…then started talking to me like she never said what she just told me…she is mad because I am mean to the boys (what???). She said I will never go back with you regardless if you don’t start taking the boys and spending time with them. They only know you as their daddy and I need to man up and take care of them as well as my daughter. She said I don’t want to hear about money problems…if it was about Sophie, she said I would find a way…She said I could go after the oldest boys real dad but Brandon (the oldest) only knows me as his daddy and she doesn’t want to break his heart by telling him I am not his daddy (go figure-SHE is the one that left). She seemed like this was a BIG issue TODAY with her. I told her that all she had to do was come back and everything would fall into place, the boys/sophie get their Daddy back, terri gets everything she wants and needs and we will all be happy in one swift swoop. She said DAMN IT, I told you I had to work and can’t talk now…I said okay…let’s talk Saturday at McDonalds…we can let the kids play and we ewill talk. She said NO, Dusty won’t let me do that he won’t let us be together anywhere without him. I said, Hmmmm. I never told you what you could or could not do. It’s a public place, and nothing is going to happen. he will have to deal with it. She scoffed and said we’ll see.
Frickin’ AMAZING. I give her everything she wants, and she gets mad. I guess what Laura told me isn’t really the issue…She IS gosh darn SICK and there is NO reasoning with a mentally ill individual.
perhaps I did get to her somewhat though. She seemed to like what I had to say initially. I told her to call back when her BOY is not breathing down her back.
I ommitted some stuff…same old for the most part regarding that stuff…
I told her I love her and she said I love you too. at least THAT wasn’t like pulling teeth. She WILL grow very tired of being POOR as all hell…and she WILL tire of a boy that offers nothing to the relationship other than a stiffy (pardon ladies).
I guess I have to just wait it out a while longer and see if I meet someone else, or…see what she does in the long run.
She’s a mess, but I really do love her – sucks, but I do.
Take him to Mcdonalds with you Raan….kids love a burger/fries and a strawberry shake, get him an ice-cream to follow and dont forget the balloon! 😉
I know and I always do my best to smell nice and I got a haircut two days ago and I think I clean up pretty nice 🙂 weird but iv been told not to be too nice because woman here tend to not trust you if you are too nice what’s up with that lol 🙂
Well I cant comment on that one Robert because we have different backgrounds….but English ladies love a gentleman…..but behind closed doors they like passion….lol
….in my opinion you can never have too nice…. 😉
Have a great time tonight Robert…best of luck to you with this new woman. if I met someone that would go out with me(having problems in this area lately-don’t know why), I would in a heartbeat.
Probably the best for ALL of us…find someone else.
I wish I didn’t love Terri with all my heart. I wish i never had a baby with her. i AM glad that I have my Sophie mind you, i just wish it was with someone not mentally ill. I pray Sophie doesn’t end up with Bipolar either…yikes!
Raan….we all have WISHES….all WISHING things could have been different but we cant change it now, just keep looking, keep trying!
I have always had that WISH how I WISHED my children had a different father, I adore my children but I made the wrong choice…I will never know how it feels to have a baby with a man I love…
We will all pray Sophie will be fine..xx
Wish I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.I believe in truth and honer I believe in true love and love at first site. I know it can happen and it happend twice in my life. Once I married her the other was bpgirl. The woman I will be with tonight will not be as easy. Maybe she is more real and if it works will last. Maybe the woman who make you work harder are the ones that build a real relationship with? I will do my best. Raan hang in there buddy the games not over for you yet and may never be. I’ll say a prayer your kids do not end up with bp. I love your daughters name sophie is so adorable 🙂
Well I must be in the wrong place too!
I have only fallen in love once! It was love at first sight like you said….the rest is history!
I have met someone I have had two dates with, I think it would be possible to fall for him but I am holding back…
They are both “live life on the edge boys boys”…..the second isnt BP but he has had a past, hes done things we should avoid… what is wrong with me?? lol
yes have a good time robert – let us all know how it goes xx
OKAY FOLKS…I NEED HELP- PLEASE ADVISE ME, THIS IS TOUGH.
okay, terri wants ME to buy the kids halloween costumes. here she is AGAIN wanting ME to support her but isn’t with me anymore…
I told her I may not have the money to do it, but I will see what I can do. She wants her BOY-friend to come along….here is my spin on it…
If **I** am supposed to buy these kids the Halloween costumes, then I don’t want this punk KID to tag along. he won’t let her go anywhere with me unless he tags along (can someone say control freak/insecure/immature???)
I want to tell her this…If I am buying the costumes, he doesn’t come. if you want him to come along, then have HIM buy the costumes (he doesn’t have any money obviously)and I’ll just get sophie and leave. This isn’t about YOU terri..it’s about the kids. I am not some sugar daddy fpor you to hit up because your boy is not doing his job as a BOY-friend. I am not looking at this any other way except it’s a FAMILY function. I am NOT to blame for this mess you are in with no money or means to get the costumes. They would ALL have costumes were you with me as you should be.
it’s up to you…the kids get costumes and we go out as a family, or they have NO costumes and it’s on you if they don’t. i am not the bad guy here. I am just doing what is right.
By the way….bring him along anyway? I’ll beat the crap out of him…I look forward to it. i will not be disrespected.
WHAT DO YOU THINK PEOPLE???? I NEED SOME INPUT!!!!
I know it’s boundaries, but I think I’ll be blamed regardless.
AM I BEING TOO HARD? I DON’T THINK SO.
shoot, he won’t even let her and I go to McDonalds together with the kids Saturday so we can talkunless HE comes along…ridiculous.
This kid must really want to have the crap beat out of him.
BTW…I am a very NON-VIOLENT man. I just won’t put up with a bunch of BS from some little boy- especially when it comes to my family and kids.
PLEASE respond with all of your welcome comments and suggestions. thanks.
NEW DAY here
Raan U have beared your soul IT is with great dignity & pride,we humbly bare our soul there is an old saying that I had to learn the hard way ‘ dont cast your pearls in front of the swine ‘ the swine bit i understood but it took me 10 good years to learn the rest.
perhaps had i have been a more devious person I may have figured it out sooner
ROBERT gets it his little list is perfect swine contrast
Wishing has a broken heart , along with josie & michelle takes the articulate road to recovery.
trusturgut has gone silent for a while maybe she too has met someone new.
MARK well he knows , there is heaps of wisdom in his soul.
NOW lets face it , do u really think the BP’s care, feelings needs a conscience & thordoras description is right for her, but i dont believe that someone who has a conscience could not have feelings WHAT i am saying is this ..If BP’s do have feelings then they dont have a conscience , so obviously they dont have what u or I know as feelings they have unconscienable wants & desires because even a sick animal will acknowledge their
owner. have seen the dying swan act too many times to believe they have true feelings like u & me . their feelings are all part of the big manipulation they call desire.boredom.dull.whatever they saw written on a drink fridge in a cafe,or headline in a newspaper that caught their eye,or something that someone else said that they could remember for longer than a day
from Bittersweet
Wishing…you crack me up honey!!! luv ya!
i won’t forget the balloon
I just had to respond I had too 🙂 raan do like she wants but stop telling her you have no money. Use what the good lord gave you. You are older wiser and richer then young child boy. I’d be like ok kids want costumes get them. Then you say mcdonnolds buy the kids all they can eat and more! Nothing for him. Being me I’d prob forget he is there and every chance you get show her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Be the man. Do not touch cookie or cruch or what ever his stupid name is. Belittle the boy at every chance you get but doit in a way she don’t catch on. Make her enjoy being with you include her in on things after the boy shows he has no money. But don’t buy him jack shit! Use your head not the one in your pants. Rely on the fact youv known her a few yrs. I bet you turn around and shit ass will be gone. If he assualts you then lay him out fast and hold him for the police. Don’t run and make sure the call to the cops comes from you. First to the phone wins dude! Go treat terry and the kids like gold. Ignore the boy completly.
Ok Raan, this is a sick situation and just goes to show you are dealing with 2 sick kids….
Any normal people would not have their children in the middle of this situation.
Firstly YES you do need to buy the outfits, it is important to the children, they will suffer if they dont get to do this fun thing and God knows they are suffering enough already!!
As for the other thing….the trip to Maccy Dees, I personally think this should be a family trip, if he has to do the trick or treating with the kids then so be it BUT the McDonalds visit should be alone.
You will be in a public place and anything that has to be discussed will be family business, that has nothing to do with him?
BUT Raan lets get to the bottom of this….the point being, you should not even be discussing this because she should have told him under NO circumstances he will be there.
This is not his family he has nothing he can input into this family he is just her latest boyfriend…..this is the trouble with broken family’s, partners introducing other people before they have a rock solid relationship going on…..I have never introduced my children to any partner of mine…..I WILL NOT have various UNCLES in and out of my childrens lives!
The choice is yours Raan, you put up with what she is demanding or you start making demands of your own??
Robert…I KNEW I could count on you….that’s GOOOOOOOOD.
YOU be da sheeeeet, man! Love it, love it love it!
Now, how can I belittle the little boy WITHOUT her catching on? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
it’s going to be all smiles and fun!
Damnnnnn it, I am looking forward to this now….
Now, you KNOW this little shit is going to be all over her…kissing her and putting his arm around her….Damn, that isn’t going to be easy, but I will do my VERY best not to smack him across the backside doing so. grrrrrrrrrrr.
Starrt off with a jewish bank roll. Mix the large bills in with singles fives tens etc. Kill him with kindness I call it. Ask him questions he cannot answer. School work college degree ect. Treat kids and terry extra special special. Be sneaky don’t pop him it may work against you. Tell him you have every reason to believe he can be a man maybe working too jobs to pay for stuff. Use your imagination. I got to run my date time has been moved up. Kill with kindness. Don’t forget and don’t lose your kool. I’ll try to bbl.
Raan try to use some of what the ladies are telling you after this.if you do the right thing and don’t lose your kool. Be the bigger guy and keep a grin on your face when you are looking at and doing for your kids. He will feel like the outsider. He may try all those things like you said trying to kiss her etc. But if you do this right and her bp kicks in just right she will push him away. Once she pushes him away he’s done. His little boy brain will tell him he’s an ass. And he will try to give her shit about it and good old bp will kick in and she will be done with him. She still may not come back to you at this point her feelings will be spiked. Just keep kool. Go very easy very easy on the word love. Maybe only say it once when you leave and that’s it. Its so tricky dealing with this stuff. Like I said its tireing but you will have to decide how much you can take.
Wishing you are sweet. But the girl is not thinking right. If she was none of this would be happening. She has already screwed up by bringing this kid into the childrens life. And he won’t last much longer. Raan just make sure the kids have a great time with you. Do everything with and for them. Plenty of huggs and kisses for all of the kids. Your children and they all are your children at this point need and want your love. They will not push you away. They love you. They are on your side. If you want after you have had the best possible time you could have and are getting ready to leave. You can shake the boys hand and tell him quietly and calmly the kids are your life and etc ect.. If any harm comes to them. Then kiss your kids and tell your wife just once that you love her and go. Until next time of course 🙂 be kool play it kool be smart. Bipolar will rip that boy apart on its own.
Oh and my date went well. I got to kiss her twice and made plans to go out again 🙂 she has one tattoo that she would not tell what or where it is so its going to be up to me to find it I guess 😉 I want to be with this woman if I can pull this off I will make a full recovery I think 🙂 ttyl xxoo
Thanks from the bottom of my heart, especially Robert-and I am glad your date went well.
I am going to have an awful time seeing this kid pawing on Yerri and kissing her all over. Wouldn’t you??? I will do my very BEST to do what you said…I like it. It is devious yet smart….Great ideas.
Anyone else care to comment? it’s coming up this Saturday…in fact, I need to find out where I am going to stay up there…it’s weird, she is with some guy, and it isn’t me….how strange.
It will be wonderful to see the kids-Terri too, but it is going to be SO SURREAL!!! I am going to stay for as little time as possible in the big picture.
Comments?
Raan. Don’t let your imagination of what might be cloud your thoughts. The stress alone that this boy will be putting on terry should be enough to do the trick. Remember they can’t always handle too much lovey dovey and with you there the stress will make her push this guy away. The more he clings to her the harder she will push away. If it don’t happen while u r there it will happen when you leave. But one things for sure. It will happen. Stay focused.
So, Robert…you think I should be “friendly” with this guy?
I AM going to bring up all the fun times while we are out and about..you know, go down the pleasant memory lane with terri
Laugh and cut up with the kids…
I LOVE all of your suggestions. You really have helped me. Thank you very much.
Raan,
She’s obviously using this 17 yr to distract herself from reality. Because you have kids involved walking away isn’t much of an option. Just an interjection from left field which I’m suprised no one else has brought up. This other guys age is a BIG deal. Not sure what state your in, but if YOU were involved with a 17yr girl and there was any serious relationship (sex) things happening, you’d likely be arrested, have a criminal history and terri would being fighting to take the kids away.
This is very true and no I didn’t think of that because here in England it is legal for him to have a sexual relationship at 16 unless she was a person in a position of trust ( i.e teacher/doctor)
But she is clearly a long way from reality because what does a married woman with 3 children see in a 17 year old boy?
But there’s no mistaking legal or not this is not good for those kids of yours Raan?
what do I do if she gets into him pawing and kissing her all over? I doubt she will be like this, but what then?
Hi Raan, if you are going to go with Roberts theory and sometimes reverse psychology does work then you will have to be very hard, because its tough watching someone else doing what you use to do (by the way I still think he shouldn’t be in Mcdonalds)
We have established shes sick so you dont know what will happen between the two of them whist there (because obviously if it was me or someone normal you would not kiss and “PAWING” (YUK!) out of respect for your childrens daddy)
BUT if it happens you will have to do what Robert said, BE CALM….act the ADULT in all this.. for the kids sake as well, kids see more than you think, pick up more than you think, let the kids see THEIR DADDY is the big man, hes the man they feel SAFE with, he DOESN’T shout and scream, he DOESN’T lose his cool!!
Make sure the kids come first…it will have a good effect on Terri too, she will notice you are there for the kids…like a real man would be…
If you can do it, Roberts idea of shaking his hand telling him to look after YOUR kids ect…that in its self should have him running for the hills, my son would recoil in horror the thought of ” OMG..I HAVE 3 KIDS TO LOOK AFTER…
…then kiss Terri, dont get all over the top declaring endless love because she knows you love her, make sure the kids know you will BE BACK very regularly from now on and you love them more than life itself and walk away, calm and collected!
Its going to be tough…but it will make everyone think but before you go you have to get in the right frame of mind because you lose your cool and it will blow the whole thing….FOR EVERYONE… DON’T let the kids see you LOSE IT!!
Raan
I’m not saying you have to be nice to the guy. Just treat him as a non issue. The idea is to alienate him from you and the kids. Make a tight bond between you and your kids. The idea is to get terry to want to join in with you and the kids leaving the boy as the third man out or the third wheel. With some luck he will just piss off terry with his own insecuritys. Woman do not like insecure men or boys 🙂 if they start tearing off eachothers clothes in front of you just tell her you didn’t travel all this way to see that and that its upsetting the kids so knock it off. Then you can tell her on the side to wait until you leave to do that and that you hope she don’t act like that infront of the kids.
HEY ROBERT….the date, WOW…GREAT..
Sounds like all went well. now a little advise, dont start looking for that tattoo yet, a long lasting relationship….a normal one ….is built on TRUST get this lady to trust you and you have got the lot!!
You will make a recovery, you will have a normal loving relationship with someone giving back what you are putting in to it….
Good times ahead… 😉
PS….dont know how you met her but if it was on a dating website….DONT under no circumstances log on to that site…I met my date, the one I have seen twice online and he is logging on, even though we have a third date fixed and I have LOST my TRUST already!!
Wish.
Yes met her on a singles site. Same place I met bpgirl. Had to actually block three or four hostile woman on there 🙂 oh and one guy who is dressed as a woman lol.
Wish at this point he prob has no picture of you other then the ones posted to your site? Are you sure he is not going on there to take a look at you? I am signed on all the time so that mail from the site comes to my phone. Also from being on there for a while I have made a few friends. Nothing more just friends and I’m honest with you and have no reason to be any other way. Also I won’t take down my profile so fast until I’m sure she has good intentions 😉 I don’t just give it away to anyone wish 😉 you are only on your third date one date ahead of me. Don’t lose your kool wish. But unlike woman men don’t always mind if a woman is a little insecure it shows you like us 🙂 just don’t go overboard. You can even ask him about it but doit in a non threatning way. Just say calmly are you still looking to make dates with other woman? And see what he tells you. The answer may surprise you. Not everyone on those sites have good intentions and that includes the ladys. But talking is the key. I feel 2nd 3rd dates are too soon to worry. By date #5 I will ask what’s the story if she hasn’t asked me by then. Stay kool everyone! Hmm me telling you guys to stay kool lmfao now that’s a switch 🙂
OMG….This dating stuff is complicated….lol
So you think if hes on there, talking on the IM its ok?
I did say to him that I understood if he was looking around still because he has only been single about 4 months but he didnt answer??
I am very insecure….and we all know why…but I sort of think if you start to get close to someone then maybe still looking around is not a good thing…
We have been chatting/texting dating for 2 months now (yes, I met him on line before the BP left! BUT I hadnt seen my EX for months!) and the last date did get a little passionate!
He stayed in a hotel because we live a distance from each other, after the wonderful meal he asked if I would like to come to his room for coffee, I was a bit dubious this may seem a bit too soon for me but he is very much a gent and I thought we are adults its just coffee? We chatted for about an hour and then we kissed and cuddled, it could have easily gone further but he was very much a gentleman and said you better leave before I am out of control…lol…I loved that, showed real thought and manners!
So my point is I feel like we had got close and now I feel a bit let down he is chatting to others and maybe dating….yes I am sure he is dating!
I am well confused, should I keep dating do you think, I am still in contact with him but I dont text often because I feel I am being pushy…are these insecurities to do with BP…..
OMG…. MICHELLE GET SOME MORE INFO OUT!! 😉
Aw wishing…… yes keep dating wish and yes i reckon even MORE insecurities now because of BP. take a look at rori raye’s website, sign up for her e- mails, i bought her book tooo hhahha can you beleive that!!
http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/
Worth looking at – loads of stuff on.
This woman also knows lots of stuff about toxic men.
M xxxxxx
God Michelle….I know a fair bit about toxic men myself….lol
Friend of mine just text me she has just finished with the latest man she said ” I have never met a committed man yet” I answered “I have met lots who should be?…”
I have read a lot of self help books myself and a lot of relationship books…..not sure if any of them have helped now though, feel like I am back at stage one today? xx
Wish:
How do you know he has logged on to the site unless you have also logged on? The site I am on also allowes you to send stupid little flirt things. Once in a while I will send one to a lady I like even if we are well past that point. Iv had woman think iv sent it to them in error and get nasty. I don’t send them the flirt by mistake I send it as a sort of fun way of letting her know I’m there and I’m still intrested. Too many have got the wrong idea so I don’t doit anymore. But just want you to see how us guys think. I almost brought up her profile last night just to look at her before I went to sleep but I didn’t. I’d say again by the fifth date or a really good 3rd or 4th I might ask. But I’ll most likly leave that to her?
Ha ha …..I just knew you would say that!!!
I just log on for a few seconds and every time I do hes on there, usually talking on the IM….
What are you going to ask by the fifth date?
Hmm I have no idea what I may say lol. Depends on how I feel and how things are going. wish next time you log on for a minute why not enter the chat and join in with him? You may be surprised to find he’s doing nothing wrong. Then on the next date you can talk about it. Communication is key right wish?
Communication….I can talk for England as you all know….lol 😉 but feelings….Oooooh!
Wish that’s a tough one. He’s still dating is not a good sign. How do you know this and if he is seeing you to the point things almost happend then why and when is he going out still? Are you sure he’s still dating??
I am still on site but I am not going out with anyone else. I’m a one woman man wish. I go after the woman I would like to be with. If one of them is intrested and after we meet things click then she gets my full intrest. Its a two way street and I give as well as I get. He’s dating still then so. Should you. Michelle emergency ward six stat lol 🙂
I dont know for definite, but you know how you can tell a persons movements to a degree, well he seems to follow a pattern….he texts on days he is not dating, he is online most nights but not on days he doesnt text….like he wont want contact with me or risk me texting him.
I seem to just have this feeling I am being kept in the background…just in case…perhaps its imagination because thats just what our BP Ex’s did isnt it kept us dangling until they needed us?
I have only seen him twice, we live a distance away so we cant see each other a lot.
I don’t want complicated again Robert, I just want to find someone to love and be happy with….why is it so hard? *
The problem is not with us wish. Its with them. The thing about not being able to text him. I don’t like it at all. Living too far away is another bad sign. You are too nice to see get hurt again. I will not tell you to stay and work it out with this guy. He is a million miles away and I get the feeling he’s not on the up and up. When a woman I meet ask me when is a good time to text or call I tell them anytime is good. If I’m with a woman iv been dating and things heat up I would sure as shit not tell her I need to stop. If I’m not doing anything wrong then why would I turn down a opportunity to get real real real close to her? Unless you told me no or pushed me away I would have you naked in no time and surly have no regrets. The only regrets I would have is if I didn’t. Wish follow your instinct on this one. Finding the right person is only hard because we choose the wrong people. All these jerks get in the way of us meeting the good ones.
I didnt push him away but I wouldn’t have gone any further it was a second date…too soon! It was nice getting close but that was enough for the time!
Anyway might not get the chance to work it all out hes just cancelled tomorrow, sounds excusably but very cynical at the moment?
Hes never said dont text me in fact in the beginning he said you can text me, you dont have to wait for me?
Perhaps I want too much too soon…I dont know?
I know I want TRUST and HONESTY!!
Right back to the website…..gonna get me date…lol 😉
There ya go wish! Atta girl… Go get yourself a good guy and have some fun. Just be careful out there and watch out for bipolar bears 🙂
Richard Skerrit too take a look at his website called tearsandhealing
Read this ……………………. M xx
This Excerpt:
Magical Stuff Report as Spam? Not.
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[This is just a little section. It reflects a realization, fairly early in my learning about abusive relationships and my own responsibilities, that there is more to relationships than logic and choice. Attraction is a process that I now believe to be working below the level of consciousness. At the time I wrote this, I was just beginning to realize this, and recognized that understanding rationally that someone was not good for me would not protect me from being attracted to her anyway. But since then I’ve come to realize that making changes in myself, and especially caring more for myself, can dramatically reduce these unconsciously motivated desires, and give me much more freedom of choice. And I’ve learned that my reasoning can be a foundation for me to make choices to avoid someone I think might be hurtful. These issues are touched on in Tears & Healing, but I cover this in much more detail in my second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not!.
A second phenomenon at work here is what we call mirroring, where another person senses the qualities that you want to see in them, and adjusts their behavior to show those qualities. Mirroring is part of the dynamic I call “now you see it, now you don’t” by which narcissists suck us into their lives before abruptly turning on us when we fail to meet their narcissistic, impossible goal of presenting a flawless image. I explain all this in Meaning from Madness, my newest book, and one that I consider an essential companion to Tears & Healing.
Now you have all kinds of options to get books together: my three most popular books together in the triple pack and save. Add T&H Reflections in the Relationship Pack. My favorite book is The Way of Respect. Based on the ancient Chinese Tao te Ching, it offers an intriguing and artful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles. There is also the Richard Skerritt Package. that includes The Way of Respect. Plus I offer the two disorder packages: the sociopath pack and the Borderline Pack which combine my books a book by a recommended author.
Magical Stuff
Mirroring is when someone takes on the characteristics she believes we desire: she mirrors back to us what she sees we want.
I wrote the following early on in my own recovery:
Well, sometimes we wonder how we ever got into such a painful relationship. Many of us think we would never do such a foolish thing again. But the reality is not that simple.
BPs are magical people. They have powers that ordinary people will never have. And they are beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, insightful people. They have the power to short-circuit our brains and reach right for our hearts. These people move us in ways we always dreamed of and always hoped for. They fill us with feelings more powerful than we could ever have imagined.
If you took all the hurt in my life from everyone else, added it up, and multiplied by a million, it would still be less than the hurt I have suffered in my relationship with my wife (and she’s not even BP! Not even close!) Yet, when despair for my relationship overcame me, my heart reached out – not to some nice healthy, divorcee my own age, who could love and cherish me – but to a sad, hurting girl just like my wife – complete with all the same problems.
No, I would never choose to be in a relationship like this again. But I just might do it anyway. So don’t be too hard on yourself. Magic is powerful stuff.
Now, since I wrote that, I’ve had a chance to take a little better care of myself. Specifically, I stopped trying to accommodate myself and my feelings to a partner who was, practically speaking, intent on destroying me, at least emotionally. This has helped me a lot to get some closure on these intense attractions. At this point I haven’t stepped into another relationship, but I think that when I do, I’ll be steering clear of the warning signs that signal unhealthy attraction. All this comes out of my understanding that is covered later in the next chapter on finding yourself, and in the following chapter on love.
Sorry – more Richard Skerritt ….
Is He/She Abusive?- You’re not Crazy. Learn the disease. Stop the abuse.
Are you being abused? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Abusers work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.
So what is abuse? Is it someone who hits you to get what they want? Sometimes, mostly not! Ask yourself this: does your partner hurt you repeatedly? Does he or she do it to satisfy their own emotional needs, or because they’re out of control? Does she or he use the situation to lock you in so you have to tolerate it, or make a huge sacrifice to get away? If you see this dynamic in your relationship, you are being abused. The hurt of abuse can come in many ways, including physical attacks, verbal attacks, sexual attacks, withholding things we need including affection, sex, money, or contact with friends and family.
You’re not Crazy
For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Abusive behavior isn’t normal. It is caused by an underlying disorder. Most often, the disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopathy – technically called antisocial personality disorder. People who suffer from these disorders have extreme emotions, which lead them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. Living with them is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.
They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can’t deal with the reality of their behaviors. On some level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in themselves is just too painful. So disordered abusers spin our reality to make theirs less painful. One of the most common defense mechanism they use is projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves that they find just too painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most frequently projected characteristic is mental illness. “I’m not a narcissist. You’re the crazy one.” Another common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting. It’s your fault this happened because blah, blah blah blah…
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we’re the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO’s (significant others) are really right about what they say.
The truth is, THEY’RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.
What’s more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People with all of these personality disorders – narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder – have serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship with someone with these personality disorders that the abusive behavior comes out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don’t see it, causing us further confusion.
What is this Disease?
Abuse is a behavior, not a disease. But abuse is caused by an underlying disease. Healthy people might occasionally lose their temper, leading to an outburst, but a consistent pattern of hurtful abuse can only be the result of a deeper problem. I help a lot of people come to grips with their hurtful situations, just as I had to come to grips with mine. At first, I thought the problem I faced was verbal abuse, and that’s how I first starting finding help. But in my situation, like most, the verbal abuse was only one part of a bigger and more serious situation.
Abusive behavior isn’t normal. It is caused by an underlying disorder. Most often, the disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopathy – technically called antisocial personality disorder. Understanding what is going on in an abusive situation requires understanding these disorders. This connection leads to what we sometimes call the “light bulb effect”, where long-standing confusion and hurt suddenly opens up to an insight – and the first steps to protecting ourselves and to healing.
My own healing process started the day I searched for “verbal abuse” on the internet. My own discoveries and healing process unfolded over time in writing, and this today is my book, Tears and Healing. Tears and Healing, now in its third printing, has helped thousands of people to deal with their abusive situations, both present and past.
Now that I spend a good deal of my time helping others, I consult with people by phone. Often, a good part of my time is devoted to explaining the underlying disorders people face: narcissism, borderline, and sociopath. I don’t rely so much on the technical definitions of these illnesses. There are lots of pages that offer these on the internet, and they can be overwhelming and confusing.
Instead I prefer to describe an underlying dynamic or driving force that motivates these ill people. After explaining this many times, I wrote Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use – so painfully common among them – compounds these disordered patterns.
I consider Meaning from Madness to be an essential piece of this puzzle, and there is a link to its page on the right of this paragraph. Though the actions of abusers make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. Most abusers live with intense and terrifying fears. Events which are insignificant to normal people might trigger these fears in abusers, unleashing powerful and brutal actions on their part, unconsciously intended to reduce their fear. The intent may be to control another person, to discredit someone who seems to be criticizing the abuser, or to keep someone from leaving (abandoning) the abuser.
Stopping the hurt; Healing the Damage –
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of “What do I do now that I know this?” For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Because abuse is so damaging to a relationship, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can’t make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives – needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.
Oh and Robert glad the date went well x
one more of richard skerritt – hope you sign up for his emails …..
This Excerpt:
Healing the Abuse Report as Spam? Not.
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[I often hear people say that “time heals all wounds.” That would be nice. We could all sit back and wait for the healing to come. Unfortunately, it isn’t so. The damage from verbal and emotional abuse does not go away on its own, because our memory stays with us. Our minds respond to life in the only context we have: our memory. When our memory is filled with hurtful untruths from verbal abuse, it sickens us because we respond to our world, in part at least, as if those untruths were real. To heal, we have to work to actively reshape ourselves and our memory. It takes time, yes, but it also takes positive action on our part and on the part of those around us.
This essay is one that falls squarely within the focus of Tears and Healing. It deals with our emotions and how we react when we’ve been mistreated, and helps to focus decision-making for moving forward. My writing now spans three dimensions of living with an abusive partner. Tears and Healing addresses the first. Meaning from Madness explains the psychological motivations that drive disordered people to act abusively, and also explores the current thinking on prospects for improvement with treatment. In Love and Loving It – Or Not! deals with the glue that draws us into and holds us in these relationships – a critical piece that most all of us must address. Get all three together in the triple pack and save. Add T&H Reflections in the Relationship Pack. The Richard Skerritt Pack has all five of my books, Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, The Way of Respect, and Tears & Healing Reflections. ]
Healing the Abuse –
Building Faith in Ourselves
In the previous section, I described the critical role that memory plays in how we think about ourselves, and how our spirit’s energy is focused. When verbal abuse fills our memory with hateful lies, our spirit sickens us with depression and stress, and our thoughts about ourselves become distorted. If the abuse is severe and prolonged, we can even lose touch with the reality of what we really are and begin to believe the abusive lies. This is brainwashing, a subject that, not surprisingly, I wrote about when I was in the throes of abuse.
It is a tough road to heal this damage, but it can be done. In fact, I believe that if we make ourselves safe from abuse and adopt some simple habits, in time we can completely erase the effect on our thoughts and our spirit.
Stop the Music
Remember that our memory is the product of a flow of ideas coming in, and the loss of older, different ideas. Well, before we can make any serious progress on filling our memory with the right stuff, we have to stop the hurtful lies that we’ve been subjected to. Otherwise it just becomes a competition. And competing with the anger and vehemence of a verbally abusive partner is a losing proposition. My STBX, at her worst, would escalate and escalate with more and more energy and ugliness until she achieved the control she wanted. It will help to push back against this with positive messages, but it is impossible to heal in the face of it. So first and foremost, for healing to really work, we have to be safe from verbal abuse.
It Is All About Reprogramming
Remember that our memory is a cumulative, but limited storage. It represents our recent experiences most strongly but it also represents some older experiences. As experiences become very old, they are displaced by newer ones. This is how abuse overcomes our reasonable knowledge of ourselves. It simply floods our memory with lies. Eventually the lies start to make up a significant part of our view of ourselves.
Reprogramming: We can heal the affects of verbal abuse in exactly the same way that the abuse damaged us: by loading our memory with truth. I said that memories are formed when we choose to remember, and also when experiences are important. The key element, I believe, in both these routes is belief. The experience, whether something said to us, something we think, or something we perceive from the actions of another person, have to represent something we believe.
So to undo this damage, we need to embark on a sustained program of stuffing truth into our heads! Simple! But…. HOW??
Starting From a Bad Place : The problem, when we are in the throes of abuse, or recently emerged from sustained abuse, is that we have lost faith in ourselves. We have been brainwashed, and have accepted the lies and now see ourselves, at least partly, as those lies define us. Just trying to think “I am not a selfish, hateful person,” we probably wouldn’t make much progress because we have come to believe the lies, and therefore this message is rejected before it can get into our memory. Even though we think that we are not selfish or hateful, we have lost faith and we don’t really believe that this is true. Without belief, it is hard to impress the statement into our memory. We need some kind of jump-start to get some input into us that rebuilds some of that faith.
Support Communities Build Faith: I talked about how helpful support communities are when we are just getting started with a healing process. This is because the communities resonate with faith. When we screw up our courage and raise our heads in a support group, we are embraced with faith. People that we don’t (yet) know assure us with perfect confidence that we are good people. And their faith in us can be the jump start that gets us out of a terribly stuck place. This could also come from healthy, supportive family, or even from therapy. But I think it would take a lot of therapy to deal with the impact of sustained verbal abuse.
If you have never participated in a support list, you should. Support lists surround you with people who have been where you are; who have walked in your shoes; and can truly understand your anguish. Whatever your concern, whatever hurts, whatever you stumble over, someone is there to reassure and encourage. It is, in Peck’s lingo, an expression of “grace”.
And just a bit of rori raye for you wishing……………….
Have you ever found yourself racking your brain
trying to figure out how to get a man’s attention?
Either the man you’ve noticed, the man you’ve
been flirting with, or the man you’ve been with
for years seems to have so much going on in his
life – it’s like you’re like an afterthought to
him?
He seems to really like you when he’s with you,
but when he’s not, he forgets all about you?
It’s incredibly frustrating.
It’s hard not to believe he’s into you when
he’s all over you, but then he doesn’t call for a
week and you go nuts.
I was the queen of that kind of thing.
Looking back, I’m not even sure they were into
me when they were with me.
I’m not sure I wasn’t making it up because I
wanted them to be into me.
I’m pretty sure I never really believed ANY man
could be REALLY into me.
I thought they were with me because of sex, or
because I was so undemanding, understanding and
working so hard to keep them there.
One night I found myself in a booth in a coffee
shop sitting next to the man I was crazy about for
the whole year I’d been with him.
In the booth with us, sitting opposite him, was
a woman we both worked with in a theater group.
She wasn’t prettier, smarter, funnier, sexier,
thinner or anything else than me – just different.
I remember sitting there watching – I really
did actually just sit there and watch them flirt
with each other until I got so sick to my stomach
I had to leave.
Until I actually got up and went back into the
theater where I was rehearsing (just to get out of
the coffee shop), I remember curling up to him in
that booth with the red plastic seats, and
touching him.
I remember the choice I made to completely not
even notice them flirting, until I couldn’t avoid
it.
I remember how absolutely brazen the whole
thing was.
And me just sitting there.
It took me a while in my life, but I was never
again such a doormat.
Have you ever found yourself in a similar
situation?
Maybe not as in-your-face as this one was for
me (I hope you’ve never had to go through that),
but something sort of underground?
A feeling you had?
Just sort of not feeling right?
Or good about yourself?
After that awful night, and the breakup
conversation we had over the phone later, after
midnight, I remember that I didn’t even cry.
I felt humiliated, but at the same time I was
relieved.
It was though it was finally over, and I was
glad.
I’d somehow put myself through a year of
pretending I was in a relationship, when, now it
all seemed so clear, I really wasn’t.
And I looked back to our very first date, and
saw clear as a bell all the Red Flags that were
right in my face.
Red Flags I never wanted to see.
He was still hung up on his ex-wife.
She was actually still in his life.
He was always doing things for her. He was
there for her. He talked about her.
What was I thinking?
I even remember him actually SAYING to me that
we weren’t going anywhere as a couple.
That we were friends. Or whatever he might’ve
said.
I even remember other things that I’m almost
too embarrassed to tell you about other women in
the picture.
It’s really easy for me – even now! – to get
mad at myself for everything I did that wasn’t
good for me way back then.
But I know – with my whole being – that running
myself down for what I did in the past (even just
yesterday or 5 minutes ago) ISN’T GOOD FOR ME NOW!
And so, every moment of my life, I focus on
MAKING MYSELF HAPPY.
And the amazing thing about this is, as soon as
I stopped running myself down and started making
myself happy – I attracted my husband.
And my husband is a man who wanted – and still
wants, every day – to MAKE ME HAPPY!
And the difference between my husband and that
man in the booth is night and day.
The difference isn’t even about THEM!
I’d have to say that the man in the booth was
more my fantasy movie-star vision with particular-
looking grayish hair and a kind of coldness to him
(though my husband is actually handsomer and more
adorable).
The man in the booth was always financially
strapped and kind of boyish, where my husband took
me to a nice restaurant and clever places for
dates right off.
But the real difference was all about ME.
With the man in the booth, I was always on
edge, on tender hooks.
I was always worried, wondering, and caught up
somehow.
With my husband, I was relaxed, leaning back,
and happy.
You’d think that would be simple, but it took
me years and years to get there.
It took me years and years to just give a man
like my husband a chance.
Because what the man in the booth wanted was
for me to make HIM happy.
And what my husband wanted was to make ME
happy!
And, all those years ago, I was so busy running
myself down and trying to make men happy, I
couldn’t even ALLOW a man to make me happy.
I’d pretty much turn any man who wanted to make
me happy down flat.
Self-esteem is the key to getting love from a
man. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you’ll
almost automatically be attracted to and attract a
man who doesn’t feel good about himself, either –
and so he will be incapable of loving YOU.
If you don’t have self-esteem, you won’t have
what I call a High Degree of Difficulty.
That’s when a man perceives that you honor and
respect yourself, and you know what you will or
will not tolerate. When I sat in that booth with
the man I was dating, watching him flirt, I didn’t
have a High Degree of Difficulty. My Degree of
Difficulty was ZERO.
No matter how much you do or how sweet and sexy
you are, and how many things you do and say the
“right way” you will never change your
relationship until you start to change the way you
feel about yourself.
And it’s actually EASY! You can instantly raise
your Degree of Difficulty if you know the
difference between being a “girlfriend” like I
was, and being a “diva” and knowing your worth.
My Targeting Mr. Right CD/DVD program is
designed to help you do that – to raise your self-
esteem and get you believing the truth – which is
that you are FABULOUS, and you CAN have EVERYTHING
you want.
You CAN have the love of a man who will worship
at your feet and treat you the way my husband
treated me when we first met.
You just have to know HOW – what is the secret
to dating, mating and relating like a “Diva”?
What steps do you take? How does it work?
It’s all in my Targeting Mr. Right program.
Take a few minutes right now to read all about
this newest program I wrapped up recently. It’s
truly unique, and my most powerful Tool for curing
just about ANY love ailment – especially the
problem of men who don’t pay you much attention,
or give other women MORE attention than they give
you.
Take a look by clicking on this link:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/TargetingMrRight
The magic thing here is – what makes a good man
happy is to make US happy!
That sounds simple, too, but when was the last
time you let a man make you happy?
When was the last time you let a man keep you
exclusively, but not see you or call you often
enough to make it a real relationship?
If you’re in a situation like that right now,
there are lots of real things you can do to turn
this around.
In Targeting Mr. Right, you’ll learn Tools like
Circular Dating (how to date other men in a
rotation, and how to change your love life by
simply interacting with other men – this is a big
concept you’ll hear all about in my Targeting Mr.
Right program, but right now, let’s work on
shifting your situation so that YOU are the one
being made happy in the relationship.)
Let’s talk about STOPPING what won’t make you
happy.
Here’s a letter from Sandra. I can hear her
pain and frustration, and want to answer it right
here:
“Dear Rori, I met a man a few months ago. It
started out as a sexual relationship but since
then has become less sexual and more ??? We talk
online at least 3-4 hours per week, sometimes he
will message me sometimes I will message him.
He has talked about previous relationships that
ended badly for him, he has talked about his non-
existent relationship with his father (who left
when he was 4 and he has only had contact a few
times in the last 30+ yrs) and he has talked about
his poor relationship with his mother.
I decided I had enough and started to pull
away, but he keeps coming back, and the last time
we were actually together in person he made an
aside about half the time wanting to be kept. When
I asked if it was by someone specific he stayed
silent. He does that a lot, he will allude to
taking the relationship in a different direction,
then won’t follow up or will be silent when he is
asked questions.
Am I fighting a losing battle? Thanks, Sandra”
***My answer:
Dear Sandra,
This man sounds a lot like my man in that booth
many years ago.
Focused on his own happiness, his own needs,
his poor relationships with his mother and father,
and his desire to be “kept” pretty much says it
all: He doesn’t want to do ANYTHING to improve his
own life, or ANYTHING to make YOU happy.
Those of us who find ourselves attracted to
this kind of man (almost all of us – isn’t it just
so unfair?), also find ourselves DOING for the
MAN, and for ourselves, what HE should be doing.
When you walked away, and he showed up again –
that’s the big clue.
That’s the proof that what I’m talking about
works – it works with every man.
Pretending to be hard to get doesn’t work,
because PRETENDING ANYTHING NEVER WORKS.
But actually BEING hard to get by staying
focused on making yourself happy, draws men to
you.
Because the absolute truth is, good men like to
make their women happy.
Period.
They do.
They like to give presents, they like to pick
you up, they like to call you, they like to be
faithful to you, and they like the way it feels
when you feel good about yourself when you’re with
them.
They like the way it feels when you let them
know you feel good.
It makes them feel like men (if they ARE actual
men, and not little boys) and it MAKES THEM HAPPY.
So, real men are happy when we’re happy.
And if that’s true with all and any real man,
then you will have YOUR PICK of men!
That means you can really look for and at the
Red Flags.
You can really practice my Tools with them all
– because they will all work.
You can really date a lot of men at the same
time and only get exclusively involved with a man
you’re sure wants to make you happy and who has
made a commitment to you.
You can really shift gears with the man you
have (if he’s a real man and not a little boy) and
watch him start to move toward you.
You can feel fantastic about yourself – even in
the presence of a man who used to make you feel
shaky.
For you, Sandra, please date other men, and
Date Yourself.
If you want to know all about how to do this,
please get yourself a copy of my Targeting Mr.
Right program. It’s totally risk-free. You’ll love
it, I promise:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/TargetingMrRight
Get yourself out there, practice my Tools non-
stop, 24/7 on everyone you know and meet, and
you’ll see – if you focus on making yourself
happy, a real man will show up who wants to make
you happy, too – so HE can be happy!
HERE’S A WAY TO HELP A MAN MAKE YOU HAPPY
*****One thing, for sure, that WON’T EVER work to
help a man make us happy is to focus on making HIM
happy!
That just doesn’t work.
I know, it sounds weird.
We’ve all been taught to do the exact opposite.
We’re taught to focus our attention on a man –
feed him, take good care of him, all that.
I sure have.
I watched my mom put dinner on the table, wash
the dishes, do the laundry, get up from her chair
to get my dad a cup of water – and she still dotes
on him and waits on him.
And…she’s also irritated, complaining and
unhappy much of the time, too.
So many of us women get our satisfaction in
life from nurturing others – but that just doesn’t
work with men.
Being nurtured is actually the exact opposite
of what a man wants!
A man wants to hear in plain language, in a
soft and loving way, exactly what it is we feel,
what we don’t want in our lives, and how much he
makes us happy.
And, when he does stuff that doesn’t make us
happy, he wants to hear that in a clear, plain
way, from our hearts.
A way he can understand right off.
A way that seems authentic and genuine and
sincere.
A way that talks only about us, and NEVER, EVER
tells him that he’s doing things wrong.
Sound complicated?
It does, because none of us are used to doing
it that way.
We’re all used to stating the problem (pretty
much complaining about it, sometimes trying to be
reasonable about it), and asking for a solution.
We’re all used to complaining (I catch myself
all the time, even though I’ve worked hard to stop
that way of communicating) when things aren’t
going well.
NOT complaining when we’re unhappy is really,
really hard, isn’t it?
But, there’s another, much better way to share
with a man what’s going on, no matter how angry we
feel, in a way that doesn’t make him wrong, and
actually helps him make us happy.
And that’s getting and staying in touch with
OURSELVES.
How we feel, in every moment.
So, pay good attention to yourself and your
feelings.
Pay attention NOT to how you feel about HIM,
but how you feel about YOURSELF when you’re with
him.
Really spend all your time and energy on making
yourself happy.
Lean back, and just allow a man to lean forward
and make you happy.
If you EXPECT that he will do his best to make
you happy – without asking him to (this is very
important, and we’ll talk about it more), but by
just letting him know when he DOES make you happy
– you’ll be on your way to more love than you ever
imagined.
Here’s a fast success story from Sharon:
“Dear Rori, Your “Reconnect Your Relationship” CDs
just came. Thank you sooo much, I love your
advice, it seems to be working, slowly but surely.
Sometimes it’s shocking to see how well it works,
and amazingly, I feel good, at peace.
I look forward to seeing my relationship flourish.
Thank you again, Sharon”
If Sharon can feel better and see results in
her relationship that fast, so can you.
If you’d like more help – an actual in- depth,
make-this-happen-today solution to quickly getting
the attention you want from your man without
having to ask for it, take a look at my Reconnect
Your Relationship audio program.
You’ll learn the nuances of LEANING BACK, how
to express yourself around a man so that he feels
compelled to make you happy, how to do subtle
shifts in body language that signal to a man that
he needs to nurture and cherish you, without you
having to ask, plea or manipulate.
Try my Reconnect program risk-free here:
http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/Reconnect
Try it out and let me know how it works for
you.
Love, Rori
Its diffrent then dating bpgirl. Things are a little slower. And I think that’s a good thing. When things go to fast they burn out like a shooting star. She told me to call more instead of texting. I have a friend here at work who has been out sick. I just found out he is bipolar for a long time and on meds. I will try to pick his brain for some info. He already told me about some things I already know but I’ll get more outta him I just got to go easy on him so he don’t bug out 😉 Michelle my Bell good to see you back. We missed you. Now we need to hear from trust she’s gone MIA. Ttyl
Michelle….thank you. xx
Will read up on this, I have heard of this book, I am starting to worry that I have forced myself to try to get over what has happened too quickly?
I have always forced myself to get over everything that has happened! Maybe this was just one too many?
Oh almost forgot. I used the ladies room at the pub by accident on my date lol was that slick or what?lol just had to tell you guys that lmao 😉
roflll robert hope you powdered your nose lol x
KOOL… Robert, really… KOOL!! 😉
And I did it all on my own wooohoooo 😉 thanks michelle I was wondering where you were 🙂 Mark if Raan gets Terry busted then its really over. I’d save that for last resort. He seems to want her back at any cost and I know that feeling all too well. Hey where has trust been? You guys have trust email? Someone give her a shout see that everythings ok if you can. Trust where ru?
what do you mean if I get terri “busted”??? Yes, I do want her back…badly…and my children as well. I love them all with all my heart. I DO need to get her to the doc asap IF she comes back and place some serious boundaries in place as well, but we will see…I have no expectations. This will just break my heart if I did have any. I HOPE and PRAY.
Do you think that this is going to work…this plan that you advised? I am hopeful, as long as I play it right and stay STRONG! I have to reamain cool. This is going to be hard, i know…boyoboy.
I have been working on finances, and it isn’t going too well yet, but I should have enough for the gas, costumes, Mickey D’s and daycare for Sophie upon return…whew.
I have to admit-I am scared and nervous.
I’m not suggesting getting anyone busted. I was only trying to interject how SERIOUS an issue a relationship is with a 17yr MINOR SHOULD it be sexual. States often are the prosecutor, it would not have to be the 17 yr old who thinks he is in love. Let’s flip this for a second and reverse the roles – and i’m not saying this would ever happen. Raan involved with a 17yr girl, the trouble Terri would make, I cannot imagine. And the repercussion with having kids and potential custody and visitation issues? Lets just not try and play this down because its an ackward discussion.
Raan dont be scared or nervous….start getting into shape now, Robert was right, women love nothing more than a confident, cool, self assured man who knows what he is doing and where he is going in life….she has to see she can depend on you in times of need ( if thats what you really want?) there is no doubt in this world what ever women say, they love a man they can depend on??
Don’t worry Raan. Not my idea to bring the heat in on terry. Mark was just saying if the tables were turned and it was you with a 16yr old girl terry would have your ass in a sling and CPS knocking down your door. Stick to the plan and don’t worry. Why are you scared? The way you are going to do this is by being nice and sweet to all your kids. Maybe even a little extra nice to your sons. You raised them they are your kids they call you daddy 🙂 you do not have to be sweet to dirty dusty or rusty crusty what ever his name is? Just ignor him like you would any other pest. It takes more balls for him to want to be around you then it does for you to be near him. Unless of course your afraid you may hurt him and go to the big house 🙂 just be kool. Bring the jewish bankroll. Lots of singles in the middle 🙂 if it works right crusty should split pretty quickly. If they start tounging down just tell them its not right for the kids to be there and take them and walk away. Make terry and crusty feel like trailer park trash. Don’t forget bipolar goes to exstrems. You should too 🙂 alls fair in love and war baby 🙂
CRUSTY?? hhahhahahahahahhahahhahah sorry lol x
Oh Robert….dirty dusty/rusty crusty….I love you more everyday!! 😉
Roberts right Raan….I cant believe he has the nerve to actually turn up….I am in my 40’s and I wouldn’t go out with my Ex and his new woman and her kids??
You have to be strong and cool Raan because you will blow it….one cross word from YOU and your kids will hold that memory!!
Awww ty wish.your a real lovely bird as they say in england right? 🙂 in america they would call you a hottie. But I think your a doll:) Better be careful I am only on my second date. And feeling vulnerable lol. You are 48? I am just turned 47. What would the neighbors say having a yank upto your flat? Haha like my english talk? 🙂
Ha ha Robert…very good!!
Firstly I know you are on your second date but…you met me first…. (that’s English flirting!! lol)
And yes you are almost right with the “Lovely Bird” but not in all parts of England mainly in the London areas, but we use “Babe” a lot and Angel, Darling, Cutie, Gorgeous and Sexy! There you go that should impress your lovely new lady when you call her!
The neighbours would be very impressed with a “Yank” coming to visit…English ladies love an American man…
Got a date tomorrow night and Thursday night Robert…..see we English dont let the “grass grow under our feet” ….. ones 43 and the other is 41…..hope its legal….lol 😉
CRUSTY ..what a scream , cant stop laughing
its hysterical , sorry Raan
from Bittersweet
Then that means me and wish already are way past our second dates! Kool 😉
Dirty Dusty??? Rusty Crusty???? You guys are freaking HILARIOUS!!! I am LMAO….That’s good. I should “accidentally” call him Crusty – that’s soooo devious, and appropriate.
This forum ROCKS!!!
In all honesty, I am feeling pretty good about this trip. I am nervous and scared a tad because I don’t know how well I am going to take seeing the love of my life being kissed / kissing him or getting all lovey-dubby with another man(boy). Sure, I am a grown man with self control, but seriously…this is ridiculous. I am not too worried about my avtions around the kids…that’s easy. The part I am concerned about is this punk boy Crusty. I am sure he is like any other 17 year old. He’s going to try and be “tough” and show me who her boy-friend is…and that includes hanging all over her and kissing her. Who knows what his intentions are other than being scared that I may persuade her to come back to me. That’s likely why he won’t let her go anywhere without him if I am around.
Her friend Laura wrote me last night a few emails. they seem promising. When she called terri, he hovered in on the call…butted in when Laura asked questions in the background.
Laura emails :
If this what she want the life she has now give it to her. See if she change her mind. I think eventually she realize that the guy she with can’t support her and she doing everything to try to support herself and the kids she going to finally can’t take it no more. A single mother can do so much especially if a male in a relationship isn’t bring money in. I mean the guy she with now. She will come around and think she did a bad thing leaving u. U was supporting her and bringing the money in
another:
I wrote Terri a letter and I told her how I felt about her being up there. I wrote her that I thought she was happy with u. Bc to me it seem that way bc of her action and she even told me. I even told her that u misses the boys as the same u miss sophie. I wrote her that I’m sad that you left me and u. I even said that its not good for the boys or sophie to be split from the family they only knew. I told her that u was a good guy and a good friend to leave. So on. I wrote to her that I wanted u to come to the wedding too. She asked me if she can bring that boy down too when she omes for the wedding. I told her idk but she wanted to stay with me bc no money for the hotel room. I told her I have no room for a lot of people. Maybe just her. Plus Tony won’t let no man to stay or spend the nite in his house unless its a family member. I wrote to her when she comes back down for the wedding I wanted jus me and her to get a hotel room to spend time alone with no kids or nothing. So I hope she don’t get offensive with what I wrote. I even wrote to her that I misses her and the kids and Emily being asking to come over there to play with Brandon. So hopefully it will work. I’m praying. Maybe she will feel bad about leaving me and stuff.
I’ve wrote to her that’s its not good on the kids at all bc the boys knows u as their father. I know bc I have experienced it. I been in a broken family as they call dysfunctional family. Its hard. That’s what I wrote in the letter. This is pretty much what I said in the letter. Soo we will see happens.
I asked laura if terri mentioned being in love with this kid. Laura wrote me back this:
Well tell u the truth not that I know of she don’t talk about him. She has never said anything to me about any long term relationship or being in love with him.
Well I think she might have said that bc he was right there listen to everything we was talking about and if she come down for the wedding I believe he was thinking that she might not come back so if he went with her she had no choice to come back up there. That’s what I think
I think give her time. I think u need to lay low and act like u have moved on and see. Like u said the sickness is cloudy her judgement and deep down I feel she still loves u. Bc I can tell in the tone of her voice she’s was confuse of the situation. She told me that her self.
I think bc her tone of voice she’s unsure about all of what’s going. I think she feels that its hard on the boys and sophie. She said the boys talks about u and they want to come back home and she said she don’t know what to do. So I think living in Nc and this guy she with isn’t going to last. I think the boys trying to get some senses in her. She told me that they somewhat like him but I think they want u and to be back home instead. She says they constantly misses u. So we will see
Time will tell. I might wait a while to talk to her on the phone. I’m waiting on the letter to get to her and her to read it. I hope that boy don’t get the mail. Idk if he will hide it from her or tear it up and not letting her know about the letter. There’s a pic of cheyann in that letter.
———————————————————–
Well well well…sounds promising to me.
On the flip-side, I just got another email from Laura. The address terri gave me where she lives…it isn’t the address she gave Laura – it IS close by though. What’s with the different addresses? It’s enough to burn anyone up….bunch of crap.
I feel okay…just venting…thanks for listening people.
Raan. The letter you sent was to a different address? I bet you 10-1 its the boys parents address. I may be wrong but fu*ck it if I am. Anyway do what the girl laura says. *BACK OFF* this kid is so unsure of himself he is a control freak! Bipolar people HATE CONTROL FREAKS!! He is doing himself in. This part of the letter :I think give her time. I think u need to lay low and act like u have moved on and see. Like u said the sickness is cloudy her judgement and deep down I feel she still loves u….This says what we are trying to tell you. Just listen or you will screw up. Stop writing letters the best that could happen is dirty dusty took it. The kids are working in your favor.. Just relax. Don’t make me come to goergia and slap you up lol. I know its tough but if you screw up its gonna be worse so just chill out! Wishingwell I have a friend named Simon he’s a biker who lives on the isle of wight. Maybe oneday I’ll meet you there on Holiday lol. He has a bike shop built out of an old gun implacment. If you ever go there for Holiday and happen upon his shop tell him I said hey! I may never get to england but its one trip that on my bucket list. 🙂
For clarification…I never wrote terri a letter. I got the address from her on a phone call when she moved.
Laura (her good friend) wrote her recently, and she is concerned that Crusty might get it and toss it or ?
I have been laying low. i haven’t called, texted, written, or emailed her. I talked to her a few days ago, and I posted here on the forum the discussion.
I’m coooool man. I’m chill. I’ll be fine. I agree with you…Crusty will be trying to control her. Bad idea, but I’ll let him. I love to watch people do stupid things. I;m sure he will entertain me as well as aggravate me.
I am going to be the “shit”….I am going to show terri amd the kids a great time. I’m going to ignore what’s his name. In fact, I won’t even notice he’s there for the most part.
I’m going to re-read all of the suggestions prior to leaving, so I will have my game tight. I certainly hope this boy doesn’t try and do something violent…I don’t want to hurt him nor get cops involved. Most of all, I don’t want to have to get into something that the kids will see, so I am going to be ultra careful.
Thanks for all of the support folks. I don’t think I would make it without you all.
RaanTheMan/ Now you got it Raan. Print out the pages you need but don’t bring them with you. Do just like you said. And youl be fine 🙂 your the man!
Your going to be fine Raan….just remember to keep smiling for many reasons…
1. When you smile people are always curious as to what is going on.
2. Bipolars like happy people.
3. Your kids will go away with a memory of Daddy as the happy/funny man they want to be with!
4. Terri will wonder… why the smiles?
5. Crusty will know you are up to something, what it is, he wont know?
You have age on your side…..maturity, knowledge and security everything he doesn’t!
Robert its a date!!
I have been to the island, its very small not hard to find anyone. I live about an hour outside London, you would love it here, keep it on your WISH list!!
I have been to America a few times, Never New York but its always been on my WISH list!!
I am off to get ready for my date now, no exceptions just a nice evening hopefully, in the company of the opposite sex!
WE ARE GETTING THERE FOLKS…..WE ARE GETTING THERE!! 🙂
NO EXPECTATIONS….sorry should read what I write..lol
He’s Scared, She’s Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships [Paperback]
Stephen Carter (Author), Julia Sokol
Julia Sokol (Author)
I AM TERRIFIED, Michelle. lol xx
You have a great time wish 🙂 and as always keep in touch baby angel 🙂 XxOo
I KNOW you are wishing, face your fear, ha i’m one to talk. you will be fine, and be yourself and just have a good time. mwa wishing xxx
Michelle my Bell 🙂 you are johnny on the spot when it comes to helping people out. god damn that fool has no idea what a great chick he lost.Big Big Huggs 2u 🙂
I have been brought to tears this afternoon people…in a good way. terri out of the blue added me to facebook and wrote me a nice letter….here it is:
hey, just thought I would check on you and see how you were doing. The kids are excited about seeing you this weekend. Brandon is counting the days down. Brandon is doing very well in school, and cant wait to show his daddy his papers he has done in class. Still having trouble in the reading area, but coming along very nicely. Adrian’s speech has improved very well, now he talks up a storm. Sophie and Adrian are both potty training, and for the most part are off sippy cups. Well if you can give the kids a call tonight, so they can talk to their daddy.
———————————————————-
I have to admit…I AM surprised. I THINK she must have done this from her work, as her boss leaves about the time she wrote, and Crusty isn’t leering over her shoulder there. I don’t know what to make of it…she hasn’t sounded this nice and normal in quite some time. Is this a good sign? I hope so. I don’t see anything in the letter that indicates that she misses me nor does it sound like she wants to see me, but the fact that she wrote at all makes me happy.
Wish, lost, mark, bitter, Michelle, etc….you people have really impacted my life in such a positive way…maybe I am feeling a little mushy right now, but I have to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart…Damn, I have tears running down my face….I don’t know what is going on with me right now. but seriously folks..thanks.
I feel exactly the same as you Raan, without everyone here I dont know how I would have made the last 5 weeks….I have had no one else to tell all this too and you have all listened, cared, helped and made me laugh too!!
Such good friends, I never thought I would find, spanning the globe too!
Robert/Michelle….good job I didnt have any EXPECTATIONS!! lol 🙂 x
Raan.
We all been there and we all go there still sometimes. Being left feeling like your hearts been wrenched out of your chestis not new to us. Last christmas eve alone no kids friends all with there familys lovers wifes. As darkness came I cryed like a wounded animal on my back porch. I cursed the night and pleaded to god to have mercy on me and bring my love back to me. I got myself together and went to the pub. I was the only one there. After a short time I went outside for a smoke and texted her. And she replyed that she missed me too. Told me to grab a six pack and come to her house. When I got there she thru her arms around me and held me tight looking into my eyes with hers full of tears she told me she loved me more then anything and would never let me go. It lasted until february…
Raan/Lost we have all been there, I hate Christmas eve, I spent last Christmas eve, alone, sitting in the dark, waiting for the kids to sleep so I could creep out with the presents….they still love that I do it…..my friend text from France said ” sitting by the fire, with my Hubby and a glass of Brandy,” it was well meaning but I felt sick, sitting alone AGAIN!! Then he text me 2.30am in the morning telling me to GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE, I DONT NEED YOU! The pain is so intense….
He came back for the 4th time this year 5 weeks ago, he promised me everything….us together forever, the world, happiness, commitment, loved me with everything he had, two people living together as one…..
……..it lasted less than two weeks!!
Raan we all hope its good for you, just dont lose sight of the fact she’s ill, she may come back but she may go again…..
Raan,
Thats good news for a change. One of the secrets is its often how they feel about themsesves when they think about you. This is why doing the unconditional love thing is sometimes the best route no matter what bs games they are playing that day. Lets hope for more stressless messages. She is reaching out so respond kindly but not over the top.
So Mark, do you mean when he was calling me a hateful bitch and telling me he didnt want me or love me, its himself he was thinking of?
Lost…man, that story is heart wrenching. I feel for you…I really do. I’m feeling better now. I’m wondering what is going to happen up there with Crusty around this weekend. Talk about throwing a wrench into the mix. Typically, we all get together when she goes off and we all have a great time. This is the first time that I will be seeing her with someone else in her life. not only that, he refuses to let me spend any time with her unless he is there. At least, that is what he is telling her. I have to admit…I think it was one of your comments…that he will get so flustered that he might walk out of McDonalds and leave…I doubt it. The McDonalds is quite some distance from where they are living. I would imagine he might make her take him back more likely, unless he doesn’t mind hitching a ride? Who knows.
This weekend is going to be great seeing my kids, but as far as Terri is concerned…hmmm. I don’t expect this part is going to be easy nor comfortable for any of us. I, however, will be all smiles (even if I have to fake it).
Whewwwwwwwww. This is going to be tough, but she is worth it to me. I love her dearly. I am starting to think that she might be “normalling” out perhaps. I see signs of the old Terri coming thru. I hope so. I miss her.
Listening to you talking about her “normaling” out tonight Raan has made me think, what would I do if the phone went now?
I have told myself a million times in the last 5 weeks there is no way back (or forward?) but what would any of us do if we receive that call or that letter like Ryan has?
Raan. Just keep your kool use your head do not operate or rely on emotion. Remember if you win the battle you may still lose the war. That is why I told you my story. I won many battles fought the good fight and in the end I still lost. Bipolar kicked my ass in.for you from now until you come home Failure is not an option. You are on a mission stay focused and say a prayer when you need to be strong. When are you leaving? I can reply to you from my cell phone so if you need anything there is almost always someone here. Raan I’d love for you to have the chance to whip this things ass. You have an idea how much I hate this disease. Just give it your best shot. We are all in your corner. You won’t fail because no matter what happens you are giving it your best.and you cannot lose for that.
Thank you. I will probably bring a netbook laptop with me, but I don’t know how likely I will be able to keep in touch. I am planning on going from South Carolina to North Carolina Saturday…I am not sure where I will stay yet Saturday night, but perhaps I can get online then and Sunday we go trick or treating. I leave Sunday early evening after going out for candy with the kids and Sophie and I come home.
Hey wish isn’t the name sophie english? I think that is the cutest name iv ever heard! If I had another daughter ever I’d name her sophie! Adorable. Youl be fine raan. Everything a day at a time
Yes, Robert it is English, my Great Grandmother was called Sophie, here in England it has two ways of being pronounced…Sophie..So-fie OR So-fia
You don’t talk of your children Robert? Are they grown now?
By NO means am I out of the woods yet, or-better put…she has NOT decided to come home (yet), but I think that eventually she is going to. I hope and I think it is looking better. Who knows. This weekend get together may change my mind. I do not know.
I DO know that I love this woman and our kids with all my heart, and illness or not…I want to never let her go. I don’t want to have a broken home for my children.
I love my Family. I am aware that she may do this again…I hope not though.
Hi wish.
I have two really great kids. Ones 12 nicholas and one is 17 lauren. I didn’t bring them up much because when I first started writing on here I remember her telling me all kinds of stuff about me being the kind of guy who would look for her and that if I ever looked for her she would never talk to me again. Guess that fear carried over to this forum that also proved to be a joke being she has never tryed to contact me anyway. Funny the feelings we are left with after they turn tail and run. I guess more was said then I first thought or is it because I racked my brains trying to figure out why and what happend? Well now that the fog is slowly lifting I remember more and the more I remember the more I wonder why I came here? I have been out with plenty of woman since she left me. Two of those relationships seroius. But I do notice that I am now the one two break and run at the slightest feeling that there is trouble. I should have been that way with her. if a non bipolar woman would have said even half of the rotten things she said I would be gone. Why do we take so much abuse from these people? Well the more I think about the nasty shit she would say to me from out of the blue the less I miss her. I don’t really feel they are as out of control as most of us are lead to believe. They can function at work hold down a job. Remember to feed there kids. Guard there kids feeling even when there kids are brats. They don’t hesitate to start a new relationship. Maybe the word bipolar does not fit there illness? Maybe the word asshole is a better fit? Maybe just maybe these are the pricks who will cut you off with there car and then give you the finger? Or the boss that looks to destroy you and your life and family and doesn’t care? Today I have not much caring for them. Cruel? Maybe. But I’m sure they wouldn’t care one bit. Do they have feeling? Hmm I still don’t know that answer.
Hi lost….Well you are not going to believe this but my eldest son is also Nicholas!!
I too if you remember was very scared when I joined here I had feelings of being very paranoid about most things, I think its the way we are brought down with such a force it takes away reality for a while!
We appear to have maybe taken a path of fate! There are lots of coincidences between us all not only age!
I too have taken far less from a normal person but then I am not sure I have ever been in love before I met him?
I had an awful date but trying to not let it cloud the horizon, I have another tonight and one on Saturday…..
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!! lol 😉 xx
Omg wish you are too funny! Nobody puts baby in a corner! Dirty dancing lol one of my HA friends says that all the time and she’s a trip lol 🙂
The reason I tried to stay low on here was out of fear that if she found out I would never get her back. We don’t go through this with non bipolar partners because a non bipolar partner goes into a relationship with the intentions of staying. My bipolar x partner knew all along she would leave and she started conditioning me in a way that she could almost make me ashamed of myself if I looked for her. Being that I am honest the more she told me I would do this or that to her the more I promised I wouldn’t. So if I did look for her now I would be breaking my promise? So the girl was dishonest she knew all along that she would dump me and she skirted and lied about not doing so. How can a person this dishonest and devious claim to not know what they are doing? It is mind boggeling and the reason we are here. They confused and then inserted there own twisted reasoning into our minds. Its best to avoid them I think. Don’t worry wish iv been out on many bad dates also. And its still better then staying home alone 🙂
“Home Alone”…in New York? another favourite film of mine!
Mine wasnt as you have just described he has never said dont look for me, he has said “leave me alone” as you know but usually that never lasts long!
The only “condition” I felt there was, was the one where I could never think I was in a relationship, he never wanted it to be thought of as a relationship…It was “you and me” and “us” but never that BIG word!
COMMITMENT…..
But yes, the deviousness was there and the secretiveness, the lies and the cheating……but then in his mind….
WAS IT A RELATIONSHIP? 😉
lost & wish
ashamed to contact them or go looking ‘ my god I can relate to that ..even when engaged to my BP i knocked on his door & was told ‘ how dare I come to his place unannounced ‘ that seems to be a common theme with all of them …what the fuk is that ? why would u not want your gf to come over , mopst men would grab me 7 hug me , grab my fleshy bits etc not him …
did u know he never gave me a comment ever about how good i looked , nice dress , nice hair , never..if u read back through my post u will see the wearing dresses scenatio..when he asked me why i dont wear dresses enough ? always out to get u or throw u off guard either or u r out to get them ..knocking on his door is stalking them , ringing them is a no no
text only …then wait days for a response if your lucky if not then they are OCCUPIED & u r supposed to be a fuking mind reader !! sheeez
dont out baby in the corner ‘wish I love it what about ‘ dont throw baby to the the wolves ‘ more like it… they are just that wolves in sheeps clothing!!
from bitter not so fuking sweet today’
Oh Bitter, I was just sitting here crying before I read your post…..got to the last line and burst out laughing…..
Good job I am alone, people would think I am MAD!!
Its ok bitterbabe you desurve to get pissed. I truly believe that the things they do and say are done in such a way that it breaks us down and rebuilds us to there wants and needs. Mine used to cry to me about how her x hit her in the head with a plasic water bottle lol. Looking back on this I can see why.she’s lucky he didn’t drop a car on her ass. Getting pissed off is part of healing too! So screw them.
Well if thats the case Robert no one could be more “pissed off” than me at the moment….my wonderful sweet date text me about an hour before the arranged time and asked “Do you really look as good as your profile pic because if you dont there’s no point in wasting my time?”
AND WE ALL THINK ITS ONLY BIPOLARS THAT ARE FULL OF CRAP?
So after what has happened with the ExBP and the awful date last night and now this…..
My daughters got the right idea she came straight out with ” FUCK UM MUM, FUCK UM ALL! God help the man who gets her!! lol 🙂
That’s my motto. If they really don’t know how much they hurt others after all the ruind fanilys the broken hearts and still refuse to get help? Then fuck them. And I hope they are reading this.
Hey wish that guy sounds like a real asshole and don’t be upset be happy that he let you know just what a piece of walking talking dog shit he is. Your daughter was right fuck em mum lol. Your too good for that bull shit. We all are. You me trust mark raan the whole lot of us as they say in england eh wish? Screw all the the nasty asshole bp or not. Its ok to be mad. But its NEVER ok to be cruel!
I know this is going to come off like a bad analogy but its almost like parenting a child or training a pet. You gotta convey boundaries, praise the good, and I’m told enlighten them to the bad things they do and not tolerate it. Now, I know, easier said then done. Especially when we are the ones often dancing to their music. But I’m learning.
Maybe Mark maybe……but for me its a bit too late, the bad things have been done…the boundaries have been broken and I am not dancing to any more tunes!!
Any one of my friends here want to drop me a line my personel email is Laurenickysdad@aol.com and my names Dean. Its not robert. Robert was an ass lol.
Thank you…..love that email address!! And hello Dean, you will laugh when you find out my name, you have already called me it without realising!! lol 😉
Going to write to you now, so you can put a face to the name!
Sounds good wish. And if I had to guess I’m sure your name starts with a B and ands in y 🙂 your all welcome to write. I have a few pics to share too.
Lets not forget too, for those who have kids that they are the true miracles of all this. My oldest is 18 finishing his 2nd 10wks of bootcamp becoming a real man, so I can take any azzwhooping mindboggling games anyone can lay on me knowing that.
Good man mark! Yup kids are the best as long as we rais them right. I tried dealing with the head games I did pretty good. Until I realized it was tiring me out. Always staying alert. She was only a gf and there was not much I could do to stop her from walking out the door. I just gave up. I knew I was walking into a set up. But I did it anyway. Maybe I knew it was over in my mind? Guess I committed a small suicide 😉
Exactly what I did…lost, walked straight into a set up and knew it….but why? None of us are stupid?
What is it that makes us do it, apart from manipulation at its best?
I know what we did wish and its a god damn shame. We knowingly stepped on an emotional land mine. And we did ourselves in. A small act of suicide. I know it and you know it too. Pushed to the point of surender. But we couldn’t just surender could we? The war was never ending.. So we ended it for ourself. Its fucking sad.. And its time to move on and forget the sad shit. I am always here for you guys as you are for me and it may sound corny to anyone who just happens upon this site but you guys are a great comfort to me.
Mark …yes I agree on the training & parenting bit …but like I read the other day on Topix site , this women reckons she has tried all approaches but in the end he ran out the door anyway !!
Robert the heartbreak warfare suicide trip i can relate to …yea u want to c them so bad it hurts after 1 year then a part of u says Naaa cant do this anymore ..like u said the sex was great !! BFD ( big fuking deal ) anyway
am having an I hate everything day today !!
wish will write later in private email
dont think the regroup thing is going to happen any day soon …
Regrets Bittersweet
Robert / Lost
the plastic water bottle trick eh!! LOL I choked on my drink !! shame on u
bitterbabe
Glad I could do that for ya bitter/babe lol.
They really are dumb asses oneday I will tell you about the wonderful body rubs a bipolar gives. Unless you have had the misfortune of already having one. There is really nothing to compare it to. Other then nothing lmao. Yup the water bottle trick lol hahaha lololol your fu’king funny even when your pissed off. Omg
LOL, just gave a BP a very nice 45 min one last night with lotion and the whole deep rub ins. When I rolled over and said your turn, I got the “are you dead nudge” but she did it twice!
Mark, are you still with your BP partner….how do you make it WORK?
Mark did you get the full treatment double nudge with oil? Lmfao
It was wonderful lying there with oil dripping off my back two little rubs and poof she’s done! What a freakin joke lolol or should I say a slippery mess. Would have been fum if she stuck around a minute or two wtf? Lol
No, no oil or lotion. I would think if I would have handed her the lotion bottle she might have asked “what’s this”. We should have filmed the last 2 mins and then labeled it, THIS IS ADHD. What a coincedence you brought that up.
Hey GUYS could have written those lines …
am shattered again today …its rediculous ..bit like what Raan said ‘ I cant believe I love this person ” well in my case have even started to forget what he looks like …such a shame too (not )
mark …the no contact thingy is a dooozy… the silence is deafening & speaks higher than mountains when someone doesnt even want to contact u …the choices are always the same none & none ?? LOL
regrets bittersweet
I told you guys I spent a lot of time with her. I was gonna be the guy who beat this thing. I really thought I could out smart it. And I did pretty damn good for a long time. But after a while it became work. The massage shows just how much they care about themself. Its all for them and for you? That’s what you get.lol.
exactly lost
the spoiling them thing will only take u so far …indeed they like to be spoiled …but lets face it they can get that from any dummy who doesnt know them ,
and they r not that fussy …the last women who he was with came looking for me to tell me she knew all about us supposedly !! she knocked on my door & when i opened it she asked me if i was BP’s ex I said YES & she turned around & said if he dumped u I dont stand a chance …
regrets Bitter
Its gonna get better bitterbabe. The new girl I was seeing is already starting to drift away.. But I am not going to give up. I may slow down but I know there is someone out there for me. Good night u guys I’m spent. Tty tomorrow
So much info to tell you all about, i guess I’ll give you all the short version.
Terri is a F’ing Bi**h. I cannot take any more of her craziness and refusal to do anything right for my kids, me. her….whatever.
I am going up there saturday and meeting at McDonalds…NO crusty there either (yay), and I am going to give her an ultimatum. Come home…I’ll be very nice…and all of the wonderful things I can offer her…etc. if she says no, then I am going to tell her-you have a week to come home or it’s just business…NO MORE terri, the boys welfare is on her and Crusty… I just want my Daughter and I am moving on without her…PERIOD.
She has said stuff to me, to her Friend Laura…that is SO inexcusable…SO ridiculous…files child support papers on me AGAIN for the middle boy….I can go on and on…
I will get the kids outfits to go trick or treating WITHOUT Crusty, or HE can buy them with his NO MONEY and it’s on her-I’ll leave if he wants to come. It isn’t sending a good message to these kids with us both there… I refuse to be part of this fiasco any more.
I got asked out today by a nice lady BTW…she already knows about terri too. I’ve seen her several times…never knew she liked me. Knows all about the BP mess, STILL wants to go out with me. Amazing.
I just want to get my Daughter and bolt…
LORD KNOWS I tried – I tried ….
I have a feeling it is really over unless she snaps out of her illness and goes back to the old Terri. I am starting to feel like it’s best to move on. Bummer, but I can’t take her crap any more
Raan, you haven’t said what has happened but whatever it is its no surprise because this WILL keep happening, its a roller-coast…..
I cant tell you the about of times I have been placed on a pedistool and had it whipped away again within hours to leave me lying on the floor in pits of despair??
They will say anything to get you back or get you to do what they want, there are no lengths to which they will go….I have had stories of dying, cancer, illnesses, hospitals…cars broken down, ANYTHING!!
I think one things for sure though Raan she is not going to SNAP OUT OF HER ILLNESS…..its an illness and its doesnt matter how hurt or sick or downtrodden we are or how we feel ITS AN ILLNESS…..THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER MENTALITY….
You cant ask her to snap out of it, you cant reason with her, you cant explain things to her, you can never expect a normal relationship with her…..in my case you’ll be lucky to get a RELATIONSHIP AT ALL!!
I know you want her back and God knows I want my man back, there are times I ache just to feel or hear or see him again but its not going to happen it just wont WORK!
You have kids ( or a daughter, that’s your choice?) its different you will need to maintain a level of communication for Sophie and one of the hardest things I have found is giving up….trying to make it work….doing everything you think you can….then realizing you are not going to be the one who FIXS it!
Several times we have said “Raan think about the long term effects of this RELATIONSHIP….is this what you really want?”
……BECAUSE 20 YEARS DOWN THE LINE….IT AIN’T GOING TO BE ANY DIFFERENT!
And at the moment….even after 2 disastrous dates, I would say MOVE ON RAAN….if this lady is nice and you like her, she sounds understanding, then MOVE ON! 🙂
I am worn out. I leave in the morning and it’s funny…usually i am very excited about going and happy to see terri. I don’t think she is going to like what I have to say, and I do not expect her to want to come back. I would imagine it’s going to end up that we go to McDonalds, and after i leave with Sophie. I do not think I will be trick or treating with the Family.
Even though I am going to be all happy and smiles, I don’t expect her to take my “I will do this and that to ensure you and the kids are happiest that we all can be, and will everything we all need, etc….” I certainly am NOT going to beg or plead with her, but give her the option to come home in say, a week or so…or it’s good bye Raan and I am just going to be involved with my Daughter and THAT’S IT.
sad, but it has to be this way./ I cannot take any more.
I hope…I HOPE she is open and receptive to my being reasonable, loving, kind, understanding and generous.
She is probably going to refuse whatever I offer her. She isn’t going to come back until SHE is ready, eh bitter? You and others have told me this.
I keep telling myself…she’s MENTALLY ILL. What do I expect? I just have a hard time with this because for 4 years, she was fine (except January). I would think she would have been doing this all along…I don’t know.
Any other bright ideas before I leave in the morning?
Raan, its clear to see how much you want this to work, just do your best, say what you need to say, keep your cool, keep smiling!
If the worst comes to the worst, take it good, don’t argue, just leave with Sophie as planned, come home….why after you get home can you and Sophie not go trick or treating?
I know its not the family as planned but you may have to accept that, this could be how its going to be, just you and Sophie in the future?
Obviously, I want what ever you want but I think you should prepare for the worst, your baby girl is coming home with you, she doesnt need to see Daddy sad, she will think its her fault…..kids always do!!
I know what your going through, its only 6 weeks this weekend for me…..but sometimes for your own sanity you have to make a decision!
I cant explain the “normal 4 years” I can only say are you absolutely sure there was nothing, no strange signs, no abnormal behaviour, sometimes we just pretend this isn’t really there…..countless times I have told myself hes ok now, its all normal again??
Good luck, keep in touch, really hoping you can sort this!
Wishing x
Thanks Wishing…Nope…4 years of absolute happiness and bliss (other than her developing depression with the pregnancy of Sophie half way thru). She was always telling me how wonderful I am and how happy she was. We never even argued. Up to the day she never came home I got nasty erotic text msgs, she told her friends that she was coming back home early to surprise me, she texted me I love you’s…I miss you’s…then , BAM…she called the next day saying that she has been so unhappy and isn’t coming home. Told me that she loves me, but isn’t IN love with me anymore.
I went thru this same thing in January, but it only lasted a month…it’s been almost THREE months now, and she isn’t giving ay signs of coming back-in fact, it looks worse than ever.
We will see tomorrow how it goes. I hope and pray she is open to what I am going to pitch her…otherwise, it’s goodbye..I am just going to get my daughter and the boys are not going to be my kids anymore. This MAY wake her up and smell the coffee, but I am tired of her trying to use me…hit me up for money..ask me to be their Dad, but refuses to come home…
She called me today wanting this, that, spend money on the kids with this, that….stay longer up there so I can do this and that with the kids…
she is trying to USE ME, and it stops now. What has she been doing for me other than ABUSE me for 3 months ???
Wish your a wonderful person. Raaan listen to wishes advice. Its the best that can be offered.good luck k
Raan/Lost….thank you.
Raan its in the last lines of your post, the first thing someone said to me when I first joined here is…..
THEY ARE USERS!
Will be thinking of you….we all will.. xx
Raan if u get this before u leave am hoping for a better outcome for u & I do understand the need to accomplish an outcome …all am going to say is its great to set boundaries about she has 1 week etc to make up her mind …but a better approach from my experience is just to offer the help & do the boundary setting but DONT have any expectation she will respond to u immediately …they just dont do that …they usually have to think things thru & there is a lot of fog in their views & opinions
so from your perspective u r saying she can do this & do that 7 if she doesnt like what am saying then she can lump it…alls fair in love & war but u dont really want a war if u can help it.yes they do use people to get what they want cause that is all they know ‘ WHAT THEY WANT ‘ not what your needs are ?
hate to have to tell u this but if u go there with an attitude then u will get more than u bargained for u never win with them its compromise & hard work all the way . If I were u I would take the attitude of the OBSERVER not the ENFORCER , dont say a lot of stuff cause they just cant digest it. she is getting tired of the kids which I told u would happen ..but now is your time to achieve greatness , just dont get caught up in what should be accept that this situation may continue for some time yet my friend
Good Luck from Bittersweet
Raan,
Brother man. I understand completely. I know you wanta make it work for a “family”. I did that for 16 years and I had no clue what was going til after it ended. It’s hard I know, the torture of knowing you have to deal with someone you used to love so deeply and now doesn’t seem to care if you exist or when they do just want to know how much coin they can extract from you.
I wrestle with how people can be this “cold” but it really is the illness. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m not look to use that see the excuse it realy is the truth.
Someone recently asked me how I make my BP relationship work now? Well, truthfully it is really no more than a good friendship. Letting it become more than that would crush whaever I have left of a heart. It allows be to be “cold” when I need to be and stern with boundaries.
For mine boredom plays such a big role and the link is ADHD I figure in a lot of ways or a combination of other personality disorders which is common for people who are BP. I’m trying to have a nice night out tonight and her phones ringing or being texted from others she trys to distract herself with when bored and without any understanding its pissing me off, even when I come out and say. Talk about memory loss, how bout hearing loss.
I’ve tried learning all I can. Alot has to do with being able to comprehend the past. I’m my own worst critic. So, when others knew my signfigant other was “crazy”, well I was still crazy in love, willing to take a good psych beating for along time. That realization doesn’t make you look in the miror and smile.
My cycle was probably close to 20 years and if it wasn’t fo my son who is 18, boy, I’m not sure, I could claim I was much of a person to take the bs for so long.
So, do what you gotta do for your kids. If the times ever right, you can hopefully say, hey Terri, I love ya, but your missing some marbles. You were born without em, alot of us are missing em, its not you fault and if you want some help to end the cycle of misery and loneliness I know you are struggling with, I’m here for ya. I’m here to help. But they gotta want it. Nothing you can do, nothing you can say unless they want it. And sometimes they can endure hell before they even think there is a problem. The bs becomes normal for them, just another day just another prey.
Focus on the kids, focus on yourself, stay strong, stay in touch. Believe it not, people do care in the world.
mark
I asked Mark how he makes it work/copes and reading his answer there are truths in it.
My Ex gets bored very quickly, has lead a very exciting/ powerful life, is highly educated, is always looking for information to fill his brain with…. has ADHD!
For “US” it worked when we were never thought of being in a “relationship” there was no “commitment” but Raan this isnt as easy as it sounds….it means ignoring what they do, they can then see other people, see you when they choose, and run whenever they want to….. and if like me will have a GOOD FRIENDSHIP with you in between?
And Raan they will not get help unless THEY WANT it, they will maybe listen and maybe agree to get help just to pacify that moment but later do nothing!
I offered help, care, love, anything that would make things better but for me “hes not ready” oh YES, he will or has come back time and time again saying all the right words I want to hear but they are just “WORDS”
For the clever ones, getting help is scary, it means opening PANDORAS BOX letting people see your dark side and taking the risk that someone will find out you do have some MARBLES missing!!
The best advice at the moment is to do what is best for the children because you will not sort it with her until she is ready, she wont come back unless SHE WANTS to, she wont get help unless SHE WANTS to, she may say lots of things SHE WANTS you to hear but it maybe to get what SHE WANTS whether its money or babysitting or sex!!
You asked…… “What has she been doing for me for 3 months” well you know the answer NOTHING because its all about WHAT SHE WANTS…..
I have just spent nearly 4 hours reading all the posts on this side and the other one (feelings and pushing) somehow it starts to become clearer when you read back over the weeks, you digest it better after the event or the day you wrote it…..my suggestion to you Raan is read back on everything you have wrote…..it doesnt look good my friend…..she has and is treating you in the worst possible way ever?
She needs help, its very clear but its HELP she needs…. not another relationship!
Me, same as Lost, I have decided I cannot do this however much LOVE is involved….my children will always come first….they dont need this!
Michelle….understand you better, you and I have things in common….not sure where in England you are but be nice to have private contact? xx
Bittersweet, read all yours again too….you are the bravest lady I think I have known!
Thank you everyone! xx
🙂
hi all – has everyone abandoned the post??
Hi wishing, North east england, i’ll get email address to you!!!
been thinking, the bp ignores you for ages, weeks even months, then pops up all of a sudden, and woe betide you ignore THEM. hmmm, funny that, i constantly ignore it, and they constantly text, why is this?? i’ll tell you what it is ……….. CONTROL. again over a week all peaceful, thought it had all stopped and up he pops again today………. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. wish he’d just piss off now have heard enough crap to last me a whole lifetime and probably next lifetime too. god forbid. FFS i havent clapped eyes on him for about 8 months, and neither do i want to. erm we had to get the message so why doesnt he??? it doesnt make sense, its like they like doing the opposite of everything. ha Mark you may know what i mean as you are still with the BP and hat off to you lol. xxxx
Hi Michelle,
I havent, I have been logging on everyday but no one has been around….I know Raan is not well/too good and Lost/Bitter/me have now got private contact, would be really good to get your email, I am in the South!
So he is trying to contact you. Have you reached a stage where you are just not interested or is it you think its best not to make contact and get drawn back into all that again?
I have not heard from my Ex for nearly 3 weeks now, that is the longest he has never contacted me, so I am thinking he has definitely gone this time……but maybe not?
Do you think its because they push us away when we get too close but when we distance ourselves they feel safe to try to pull us back?
Have met someone…only had one date but got another Saturday and guess what…. his Ex is Bipolar! 😉 xx
I’m fortunate enough to be going thru a good spell. It’s been about 4 months since she was released from the MH center. I think I maybe getting better at how I react to things, experience plays a big part of it. I know it can also end in a minute. Monday for example, she made the comment that being back in the center at times was more fun then being free. I didn’t understand it at first, but after thinking about it, the structure is 24/7, there are people she can relate to and I guess not feel out of place. Bored is a word I’m starting to get tired of hearing. It’s almost like you have to be the party director 24/7 but with BP and ADHD and ODD and OCDand…I undertand. Its work, but any relationship really is, not sure that sunk in my first 9 go rounds.
Hey buddy everyone is going to hurt you. You have to decide who is going to be worth it…
You can also be realistic and not make the relationship more then it really is at times. I know it sounds cold but it keeps ya from spinning alittle slower.
Lost & Mark
agree totally is it worth the suffering ..??
regards
Bittersweet
If true Love has no need for memory… And they forgot us..then no it was not worth it..
Do they forget us, is there proof or admission?
And doesn’t ” Love has no need for Memory ” mean that we are the ones who have to forget?
Forget what they have said, forget what they have done and “eventually” forget we loved them….?
I don’t know wish. I always thought that you don’t have to remember to love someone..because if you really do Its always there.. I look around at this board and all I see is us. Do we ever forget? We remember every detail everyday.. I don’t think I will ever forget but I will grow tired of trying to remember. My computer has been wiped clean only two or three pictures are left on my phone. I will pretend that maybe oneday I can recover my hard drive and the pictures that are there along with all the other stuff I had saved. But in reality it won’t happen. If these people cared they would be searching day and night for a way to get back to us or the love they have would not have let them leave in the first place. They would be filling up this board asking how they let us get away and how to fix what happened. There would be new pictures to take and save. But its not like that is it? I felt guilt the first few times I even dated. Bedding down with someone else was not even thought of. I had to wait and pretended in my mind that I was still in a relationship and she would come back. I know she has been with atleast one maybe two other men since she left. Does she think of me while she’s with them? I really don’t think so. Because if she did she would not be able to do what she’s done. She told me the last time we spoke that she has moved on and I should do the same. Moved on forgotten all that was said and done? lol. I feel very much alone now and thinking about the past only makes me sick. A computer virus did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Love does not forget but the lack of it should help. Do they forget? I think there love turns to fear and from there its easy to avoid and forget. I try to remember its the diseas that did this. But wouldn’t that couse them to stop searching for new people to be afraid of?
The only bit I seem to understand is that LOVE is what hurts them…..when in love they FEEL vulnerable, there is then a capability of being HURT.
The FEAR is you will leave them so they drive you away before you HURT them?
They are able to go off with others because they dont LOVE them and that is easier?
It is easier to live without you than to live with you?
I dont think they forget you, my Ex has mentioned girls from the past, dont know if he loved them but he remembered who they were!
They also search for new people because they think if they do it again the outcome will be different……but it never is?
I maybe wrong and it would be nice if someone with BP who reads this would join in and tell us?
Bi Polar by definition is huge mood and personality swings and the result is unstable and unlasting relationships. Thats the beast we are fighting. The bottom line with making this work on any level is their recognition of their problem and WORKING to get better. That hurdle is very hard to climb. It takes a self recognition that you are Mentally ill, will be mentally ill and at this time are giving very little hope to be ever NORMAL.
I was told once people are often drawn to others who make them feel good about themselves. NOT HOW YOU TREAT THEM. It’s how they feel about themselves when they think about YOU. Often, they hurt you and they KNOW they’ve hurt you so the thoughts, yes thoughts not actions are not great so the need to find a clean slate. The reason it is a repetitive cycle is they dont do what is necessary to break it. ITS UNBELIEVABLY HARD. It takes support from people they don’t often have around them. It’s takes the right meds and list of a dozen other things to even give it a remote shot.
We may kid ourselves that they found someone new, someone that has some magic quality we didn’t have, well that magic quality is a clean slate and we all know unless they get well in a hurry its just a matter of time til that slate is pile with shit too.
Hi Lost
am with you on this one ..except you cannot put your thinking into a sick muddled mind…what if i were to tell you that she does think about you and her telling you to move on was her absolute feeling for that moment if her statements were so prfound why then can she not correlate any of it one day later . we know most of the illness involves wether they think they should be in a relationship or not everyday they want NEW stuff including people and that wears off what if i were to tell you that if you saw this love of your life and she spoke to you in a kind and gentle way but quietly told you that she did not mean to hurt you she just cant do relationships , xmas, birthdays, big events , socialising the list goes on… it is surely amazing that ‘Love has no need for memory ‘ which actually is confusing in itself ‘ because basically love is a memory based on a feeling ..and feelings with Bp’s are such a complex universal diabolical stuff up of preojections perceived wrongs they are just so far out of whack ..briefly without going into too much detail I went to a BP’s party when young she held it at her parents million dollar home her parents went away & left her in charge …when we arrived she was in the kitchen cutting shapes out of carrots and zucchinis ..into flowers triangles u name it …it was the middle of summer yet she had the open fire place going which she then proceeded to add more logs to until the ceiling started to melt …someone thrw water on the fire and the whole house filled with smoke she thought it was hysterical whilst everyone vacated the house because they couldnt breathe …whilst this was going on she took the backsplash tiles in the kitchen off the walls & proceeded to place them onto the carpet in a pattern for everyone to walk on so the carpet wouldnt get dirty ..she continued to cut up the vegetables & had puurchased so many sausages for the BBQ they could have fed 5000 people she didnt get around to cooking the sausages because she spent most of the night making sausage trails in loops like decorations around the cornices of the rooms..she disappeared into the bathroom where she spent half the night cutting her hair short on one side and dying the other, she had 3 kids to 3 different blokes and the youngest was a toddler who was running around the party at 2am in the morning… people came & went from the party drank all her parents booze and noone really even knew who was having the party when i left she was out on the grass with a pair of scissors cutting patterns & shapes of animals that probably kept her occupied for the next 3 hours until the sun came up …the next day I saw her at the shop in her car but when i walked over to her car she was no where to be seen the car was filled with the raw sausages & she had even tied them to the tail pipes like a wdding trail she was cleaning her shoes in a paddock not far from the car she was always busy doing nothing that made any sense point being is that these people just dont think like us ..they never will no matter how much I try I have to remember that single one thing ..
regards Bittersweet over & out NITEY NITE
They also search for new people because they think if they do it again the outcome will be different……but it never is?
I remember this quote I read a while back and what you wrote above reminded me ot it.
The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and again..
And expecting different results.
Nice posts…I have not heard from terri in days…Since Sunday I think. She told me then that she was going to call me back with some important info about the middle child. I don’t know what’s going on with her, but she doesn’t seem to care about me nor love me anymore. I don’t know, but I don’t think that BP’s give a rats ass about anyone but themselves or whatever they are doing at that moment. I still don’t know why she won’t come home. She just refuses. I asked her last time we spoke is she tired of having nothing and being broke constantly, and she laughed and said ” I AM happy”…I asked if she was trying to convince me or herself…she got quiet. Nothing makes sense to me that she tells me. I’m sad for her and I miss her still….this illness is the worst. I go get me Daughter Saturday. I don’t know how it’;s going to play out, but I am not going to try and convince her to return. I am going to just be happy, be all smiles, and show her what a good man I am, and then go after. Maybe she will notice that she made a mistake? I doubt it.
Raan,
Sorry to hear things are not getting better. My girl went thru a period where living in a womens shelter was her choice rather then at home in a warm comfortable home eating good meals. Boggled my mind. I’m not sure if they feel they are undeserving at times or what. I couldn’t understand it at the time and some days it was 10 degrees outside. Seemed like it was a weird combination of no self worth, no feelings towards anyone, hence this thread, and a daily boredom which needs to be fed no matter what the story of the day. She’s gotten far away from that now she’s stabilized in terms of her swings and time with her gets expensive(lol) Last night was dinner at Olive Garden and some shopping. But I’ve enjoy more days in the last 4 months then I could have hope for.
Raan
Good to see you are feeling a little better. I won’t make this long.
Just my thought ok. But you got to keep your kool and do what you have to do and leave peacefully. Little story of what I feel was a big mistake I made. At one point in a conversation I was having with bpchick she says her x husband had told her this or that how our kids should not have met because of the fact she leaves I asked her will you leave me she says no. Later on during a argument her kid says to my kid and my father says your father is a fu-ker. So again she says its over and says it so cold and a matter of factually that I see no way out she’s dumping me. I got this feeling of panic running through me and I explode. I tell her I will beat her x husband sencless. I tell her he is a cowered and I know what he looks like and I will hunt him down and break his neck. Well bpgirl accused me of all kinds of things and these things rush to the front of my mind. I got vicious and that justified in her mind all the fears she held for and against me. I scared her off for ever raan!
Thanks mark and lost. I should be able to keep my cool, but I am so darn down in the dumps all of the time…it isn’t even funny. I miss her and the kids so badly…I actually think that time is NOT healing me, but I’m getting more blues each and every day. Perhaps, I am not as panicked, but am really unhappy. I want my Family back and there isn’t anything that I can do about it.
I don’t know why she refuses to come back….no consistent reason. I probably ought to just chalk it all up to the BP, but I wish I knew for sure if I did something that made her want to leave. I’m not beating myself up over it…but my heart aches and my heart longs for her return. I can’t seem to get over her.
I went out on a date the other night, and all it did was reinforce what I already knew…Terri is the love of my life.
Sucks….
I look forward to seeing her and the kids Saturday, but wonder how she is going to react to my being there. I doubt it is going to go as I WANT it to….
perhaps my being all happy and smiles might make her want to reconnect, but I am skeptical. I wish.
Hi Raan,
I think there just comes a time when you can do no more!
Love, hope, wishes!!
I wish too!!!
Raan maybe you can take some comfort in the fact she will always be a part of your life due to the fact that you have kids together. It helped me to get through my divorce. Just a thought k.
I’m sorry, but I find NO comfort with the fact that she is with another man and not a part of my immediate life.
I am so unhappy, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up until she returns.
your raw right now all nerves. Nothing we can say right now will fix it. There is no silver bullet. All we can do now is try and relate to you our own feelings and how we coped with them. Dude my bp was only my gf but I was married once for 11yrs. Two beautiful kids a new house and a good job. She left me man. No fucking bp no excuses she was doing me dirty behind my back. I was forced to leave my new home my 3 and 8 yr olds and was locked up like a fucking animal twice. Don’t you give in. Get tough get mad get it out of your system anyway you got to. But don’t let it destroy you. Get yourself some weights and just work out like a mad man. The stronger you get the better you will feel. Doit with a vengeance when your muscles start to feel the burn you will have directed the pain to a different area. You all think I’m nuts and maybe I am just a little. But I’m a survivor. We pick ourself up by our boot straps and we move on. Get yourself some rest and feel better in the light of day.
Raan
she is not with another man she is with a child…cause thats the level she is at now A FUKING CHILD in a daydream …I know the pain of giving giving giving to get kicked in the gutz but not giving doesnt work either
her coming back to you 4GET it for NOW …they never do what you think ..they never act like you expect ..just remember she doesnt think like you my friend.
Lost…
is right work …on your muscles work dam frikken hard get the pain out before it destroys you …you are not alone we are all in same boat , just further down the track some of us …Rest is good
from Bittersweet
Thanks. I needed to hear that.
I am not going to let this woman get me down and I am going to kick ass man. I think I am just having a bad week…well, worse than usual.
You are thanked endlessly.
This helped me get through. Michelle posted a while back.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are..They are there for the reason you need them to be.Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.Your job is to accept the lesson,Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your lifeIt is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyantThank you for being a part of my life
Raan,
Lost and Bitter are right you have to get yourself right and strong to be able to cope with things and to cope with her!
We all know what you are going through we have all been there with or without BP EXs…..
You are going to see your family this weekend, you have to be strong!
That’s a great post.
Raan, WE ARE all in the same boat just taking different rides in different directions that is why we are here.
You do gotta get strong. MY ride is almost identical to your I’m just further down the road.
I thankful now everyday for yesterday, not expecting too much for today. IN a BP world in can be ALL GONE in the blink of an eye. I can get a call later and all tonights plans and things we have talked about doing in the future will not mean anything. It is what it is, I’ve learned the hard way, I know what I’m dealing with and I’m at peace.
Marks post is so right Rann, in a BP world it can all disappear within hours/minutes.
I have been in the position of making plans for our future months ahead or just the following Tuesday it really doesnt matter because they can all just be whipped away within minutes.
Thats what I meant by there is only so much you can do, we have all had hopes and dreams!
Seven weeks ago I almost had a wedding planned, by the following Tuesday it was all over and now seven weeks later not a single word…..its as though I never existed!!
Mark. Were or are you married to your woman? What is your claim to her? When she leaves can and do you go and get her back? Do you have children with her? Sorry to ask so much but with most of us we have no right to bring them back. What makes your woman decide to come back?
Lost….if I am right from reading all the posts….shes married to someone else??
Sorry lost, I thought you meant Raan…..his lady is married to someone else…..OMG How do you all cope with it all….lol 🙂
Yes, I was got married to Christine in 04, we are still legally married but the divorce is just a matter of time and expense. Beleive me there is no reconciliation hopes, I left in sept 07. And I’ve been told I’m the bad guy and ruined her life for which I need to suffer eternal damnation.
I was accused of adultery, trying to push her down our basement stairs for which she came within a fraction of being paralyzed and running the family business into the ground and leaving her broke. All stories in her mind so she does not to face reality.
I had no idea what I was dealing with, BP, OCD, ODD, etc til I met J 3 yrs ago, she’s a BP 10. I helped her when she was in a MH facility not knowing what BP was or the light bulb that was going to go off. She’s the one who brought my sanity back with her problems. I know thats strange to say but for a long time I beat myself up like raan thinking what did I do wrong? how did I fail? Well, I didnt. These type of people create drama, want drama, need drama to exist. Having learned that I can step out of the way of the trains when they’re coming.
So Mark they are Both BP?
Did you see the same attraction in both of them?
I am curious because I too have been attracted to two BP people…..and to be honest that worries me??
Wish.
Wish
I know raans is married to someone else. But what about marks woman is she married to someone else too? Wtf?
Wish
someone said they have a nurse friend who goes and brings her guy back. She’s married to him. I am wondering if mark also goes and brings his girl back? And if so is he married to her? If I went and tryed that I would prob get put behind bars for kidnapping or stalking or something? My x once said I am the kind of guy who will look for her and if I ever did that she would never speak to me again. But at this point I don’t think she would be coming back anyway. So mark what made her return was it you or did she just show up again oneday?
Thanks for clearing that up for me mark. So I won’t be kicking in any doors at anytime soon. If a woman seems to be too good for me. She most likely is. I think what hooked me in was the feeling I had found someone who was so great and I was so undeserving of this wonderful smart woman. She was fools gold and I was the fool. 🙂
Lost…….. my Dad always used to say ” If something seems to good to be true, it usually is?”
You were not a fool, none of us were fools, we just wanted what we thought we had found!!
Terri just called. the middle boy is in the Hospital for throwing up on this new ADHD medicine.This weekend is not starting off well. She and Crusty are going to be at the Hospital for the next few days, so I guess I have to meet them there. I did not want to meet this boy, and now….well, I guess I have to. The other two kids are going to be staying at her Mom’s so she wants me to go there, see the oldest boy and spend some time with him, then come to the Hospital and see her and the middle boy, then go back and get Sophie and leave.
Hmmmm. I am not thinking I am going to have any time to spend alone with Terri…Bummer. I hope the middle boy is okay. She mentioned he may be autistic too. Sheesh.
Things just went from bad to worse.
Oneday you may have to be there to pick up the pieces. Autism is a terrible thing. Does the boy not like to be held? That is one sure sign of autism.
OMG….so sorry Raan, he has ADHD and maybe Autism this is a terrible thing, all I can say is if you think you can cope with all this illness then hang on in there because there is no way a 17 year old is going to be able to cope with BP….AUTISTIC BEHAVIOUR AND ADHD??
MOre richard skerrit ………………………
Cutting Your Losses, or Maximizing Your Gains?
I hear a pretty consistent theme in the comments from nons who are in long term relationships. The idea is that things are tolerable; things are ok; or they’re not ok but if the spouse makes progress in therapy then things will be manageable. Nobody is ever happy.
The question that needs to be asked here is a simple one: What do you want your life to be? Do you want to keep working on and on to cut your losses and keep the situation bearable? Or do you want to take a new path, pay off those emotional debts, and start making something positive in your life?
Not that simple, though, huh? It’s not. It’s a daunting question. But I guarantee, if you don’t work hard to answer it, you’ll never get the answer. You’ll stay where you are, stay unhappy, and each day you’ll make a deposit of your life’s energy into an account that runs the real risk of never having a positive balance.
Answering Those Downside Questions
There are so many reasons not to change. It will be bad for the children. I will lose custody of the children. It will cost too much. I don’t have a job. I would have to move. I would have to pay alimony. My spouse will fight me. I’m afraid he’ll hurt me. And on.
The first thing you need to realize here is that, for the most part, you don’t know what the outcome of these things will be. You are sitting in ignorance about what your future choices are. And because you don’t know, you feel afraid. And because you’re afraid, you don’t do anything – like a deer caught in the headlights.
So, whether you are determined to stay, or just don’t know what is the right thing to do, you owe it to yourself to fill in these gaping holes of ignorance about your options. How can you truly choose to stay if you don’t know what other choices you have? So you need to do some hard work. Let’s look at some of these issues:
It’s bad for the kids. Are you sure? What would it be like? What is it like now? How dysfunctional is your home? How badly are you affected by your spouse’s illness? How much more could you give your children in your own safe home? How safe are your children? How safe do they feel? What do you know about children who live with both parents? Have you discussed this with a counselor or therapist? Chances are, if you’re here reading this, your children live in a home that hurts. You, as their one healthy parent, owe it to them to find out the answers to these questions. Have a look at the section on Staying for the Kids
I will lose custody of the children. Will you? Are you an active parent? Do you stay close to your children? How does your spouse’s behavior affect them? Has he/she been hospitalized? Have a record of behavior problems? What are the laws and customs in your state and county? Have you consulted an attorney? The reality is that you don’t know until you really dig into it. Don’t assume you lose. I didn’t. I worked the hard stuff and I made it work for me. You might be able to do the same.
It will cost too much. Well, this is a problem. But it doesn’t have to stop you. You need money for attorneys. You might need money for psych testing. But you’re living somehow now. If your spouse has income, do you know how you can get it? Do you know what the laws and customs are for support? In my state, if you file for divorce and live apart, you are entitled to support. If you live apart and have children, you are entitled to support. Well, it’s not nice. But then, what are you living with now? Consult an attorney. If you really can’t afford one, or can’t pay safely, seek free counsel. Legal aid societies will provide this.
I don’t have a job. Another problem. But presumably you can deal with this. Is it real, or is it just a good reason to sit still?
I would have to move. This isn’t nice. But then, how was yesterday for you?
I would have to pay alimony. You might. I have to. And you might be able to survive it. Have to change the way you live? Maybe. Is it worth it? How can you know if you don’t know what kind of alimony and/or child support you’d be obligated for? An attorney can give you a sense of this.
My spouse will fight me. Same old same old. You deal with it now, don’t you?
I’m afraid he’ll hurt me. This is serious. But, are you afraid now? Probably. Have you sought protection? Shouldn’t you? Is this how you want to live? Is this love? Is this caring? Whether you stay or go, you need to deal with violence. You just cannot stay on in a physically unsafe situation. Contact a local domestic violence hotline. Ask for help. Call the local police, explain, and ask for help. If your SO hurts you, call 911. This one is important. Protect yourself no matter what you do for the future.
What About the Upside?
If you stay, you fight and fight to keep your losses down. Things hurt, your needs aren’t met. You are squashed.
What if you take a new direction? What if you say “No more!” to a partner who can’t care for you? How many times have you longed for a partner who could genuinely smile at you? Someone who actually cared about your feelings? Someone who you can disagree with and still be happy? Someone who could – God forbid – love you? Time to go read the section on Love vs. In-Love.
There is another world that can be found. It may not be easy, it may not come fast. But when you stop the madness you give yourself the chance to reach for the sky. But only you can extend that reach. Only you can make the choice to grow. Only you can stop losing and start working to win in your life.
Michelle, terri says to me now…i will ALWAYS love you, but i am not IN love with you any more….
What does this mean? I am madly in love with this woman from the very beginning…how do you love someone but not be in love with that person and especially if all you ever heard from them was I love you I love you…got smiles…told how wonderful you are….we were together for years….
This breakup took ONE DAY from I love you and miss you to I am not haPPY WITH YOU….
Huh?
Raan…..my Exbp went from “I LOVE YOU” on the Sunday to “NO, I DONT LOVE YOU, YOU HATEFUL BITCH!” on the Tuesday…. and hasnt been seen since?
Its what they do…..
Wishing…you just think it is a matter of time, eh? Hmmm. Should I introduce myself to him this weekend and tell him that he might be able to support these kids with two jobs, and if anything happens to my kids while he is on the watch, well…look out? (as lost put it a while back?)
Any suggestions on how to get terri to think about what she is doing with a 17 year old and what i can say to him to make him think about what he is doing with a a woman with three kids to turn him off?
I know….stop worrying about US and think about the kids…I am, but I want her to start thinking about doing what is right for them too…to want to come home.
Ignore her?
Raan…the way I see it is, you will need to be in all of their lives more than ever now….
Whether with Terri or not…or whether you also find someone else….
And the reason for that is, that your daughter is living with a very dysfunctional family, you have to take a major part in this family because of your daughters safety…
She belongs to a family that has major problems with mental health, now I am not sure how your health service works but in this country if it is discovered there are several problems in the family ( ADHD. BP…. AUTISM and a 17 year old child in the house!!) she would be put on the “at risk register” which means social workers will be watching the family. We have a National Heath Service though!
AND… the same will apply if the 17 year old runs for the hills and she still refuses to come home!!
Now personal I think there must be something wrong with him apart from being very nieve because I too have three children, all very stable, very well behaved, well educated AND I have had lots of men run away when they find out I have three kids, normal men but whom just dont want the responsibility!
Maybe he is under the Bipolar spell too, or maybe he gets something more from this relationship but until you get yourself more involved you will not discover what it is?
You have every right to be there, your daughter is there, its your responsibility to look out for her?
One more thing….you will never get Terri to think about “what she is doing” because in her MIND she is doing no WRONG….she doesnt think like us, so you will never convince her to do what you think?
Just be there if you want any hope, she will only respond to support….And to a strong person! x
Don’t even try to justify there actions. The answer u get will not make sense to u anyway. I spoke to a old friend of mine today. He said I don’t think very much of myself. Said I sacrifice myself for others all the time. Reminded me of some stuff I did a while back. He said the more you like yourself the less others can hurt you? Hmmm ya
It is a self worth issue at times. I suffer from the same marble missing. Guy I know says f it to EVERYTHING, must have been really loved as a child. Sometimes, I wish I had that trait. I know I’d definetly have more money.
Serious question…..
Mark…were you loved as a child?
You too Raan and Lost??
Ha ha….me too, thats the only thing I have in common with a BP….I can spend a fortune when I feel down…..think they do it when they feel good though?;-)
yep most definately self worth issues, people who think highly of themselves would never of put up with the shit!!! and the people who put up with it have childhood issus too. Adult children of alcoholics, sexual abuse, both male and female, more men are abused than we think and by women too, and they have even more shame and will barely speak about it. but even women can go for years and years without muttering a word about it, and it messes people’s heads up. i think all these people with messed up heads have a secret they can barely get out, because of SHAME!! Embarrassment and total humiliation. Then we end up with addictions to drink, drugs, sex, gambling, cleaning, gardening etc, you name it to numb the emotional pain. and i also think that the reason they were with us in the first place is cos deep down they know we would understand what they went through as we went through similar as a child, it could be rejection, shame humiliation, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, bullying from children or adults and never being validated by an adult, anyway the list goes on and on……….. but (we) they can never talk about it and that is what does your head in, and also they run as far away as they can even when they feel safe as safe is something they have never felt………. its alien! or maybe we get to close to the truth or they feel they are going to spill the beans about everything and have second thoughts?? god i dont know lol i’ve had a drink now xxx pmsl
wishing have you got my email address yet?? xxx
Love that last post Michelle….thats why I asked the question, to see if we all have a common denominator?
Yes, have got it, will write in a minute!! xx
That’s tough question. Were we loved as kids? Hmm I don’t think there is enough room on this string to answer. In general I’d say sure. But that doesn’t mean a thing. Pops was rough on all us kids. He worked two jobs and didn’t have time for the bs we gave him. Moms was hooked on valium and didn’t know wtf was happening half the time so she would piss off pops blaming us for what didn’t get done. I spent more time away from home when I was a kid then I do now lol. School sucked being a cops kid made thing kinda fucked up. Always getting in fights turned to some recreational drugs. Drinking and pills lots of smoke and other stuff that was easy to come by. Did just about everything except needles. Don’t like getting too deep into this but I’d say I’m attracted to anyone who can show a little intrest or a little kindness.
Thank you Lost…..I think your post speaks for itself!
Your the 5th Bipolar partner to answer my question……and so far the answers are all the same??
So where do we go from here? Bi polar bitch used to tell me all the time how she loves herself. At first she would say things that made me feel bad for her open my heart to her. Then came the how she loves herself crap. And then after hurting me came the pictures of her looking like a spaced out fairy princess. So do they steal away our self esteem and by hurting us and doing that it makes them feel good? Puts them in control? And move on to the next victome? Is that why they keep moving on? And what now? Its easier for a woman to move on. There will always be a long line of male admirers for them to choose from. For me its a different story. I have to be the aggressive one.to go out and find this woman who I feel is attractive and then convince her I am the one for her? Me with low self esteem and a bad attitude lol. Its almost a joke! No wonder I find myself in one bad relationship after the next. Yeah life is so hard for poor bipolar assholes. What about the wreckage they leave behind? What to do next? Atleast they get to be manic once in awhile.
Oh Lost….it is self esteem issues and we all seem to have them and most of us seemed to have them before BP came along…..Its not easier for ladies at all, we have to go out there and find a good one too and then we have the issues of should we call the next day or not, on one hand we are told to play it cool, let him chase us and then we are told, no call him because he wont know you are interested, so we have trouble too?
My Bp ex NEVER thought he was wonderful NEVER loved himself and I thought they were all like that?
Yes, they may try to make us feel bad too, not sure about that one but when my Ex left he said “I hurt you and I cant do that any more!”
I think someone once said on here…or maybe we all did…if we can start to feel good about ourselves someone new will come along….
I had a fantastic second date last night, he said he would call me today, he hasnt so far and already I am thinking he WONT…..its self esteem!!
There is life after Bipolar, last night proves it, real sensible chat and fun and laughing with someone I didnt have to worry about…..
If he doesnt call, I will still look, I dont think there is any going back now for me…..there are good men/ladies out there! I cant go back to be ignored and shouted at for no reason other than loving someone? I cant go back to wondering who he has slept with or who he is with when not me?
ITS ALL ABOUT SELF ESTEEM……OURS!!! 🙂
Home | About | Coaching | Store | Press | Contact Feb 03How to Deal with People Who Put You Down
Difficult peopleXHello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.“Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?” – Don Rickles (to Ernest Borgnine)
“She’s like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.” – Camille Paglia (about Drew Barrymore)
“She speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.” – John Gielgud (about Ingrid Bergman)
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
That’s just a tiny handful of some of the best put-downs around, and a good put-down can have me laughing like a choir girl in a tickling contest. But put-downs aren’t always so funny or witty – sometimes, often-times, they just plain hurt.
What I’m talking about here is when you have a friend or loved one who habitually says things to put you down, someone who regularly seeks to diminish you.
It hurts when someone says something that diminishes what you’ve done or who you are. It hurts when someone demonstrates a fundamental lack of respect towards you.
Here are my thoughts on how to respond.
1. You have a choice.
Chances are you can brush off the odd flippant remark or throw-away comment. People sometimes say silly things (I know I do) and taking everything personally is going to turn you into an anxious, paranoid wreck.
So while one school of thought suggests that you should just brush off the comment and carry on regardless, there’s another school of thought that says you shouldn’t tolerate someone who puts you down.
To be brutally frank (and, frankly, brutal), I think that too many people take too many things personally when they’re not meant to be, but both choices have their place and I’m not going to say that one way is better than the other. What I will say is that if you’re told enough times that you’re not good enough it’s entirely possible that you’ll start to believe it, especially if the someone who’s telling you you’re not good enough is someone you care about or love.
In cases like this, where your self-esteem is on the line, leaving things alone and carrying on is definitely the wrong call.
It’s easy to feel powerless in this situation, but you have to recognise that you’re in a position to make a choice. You can choose to be a victim and to take what’s said as the truth, or you can choose to remember who you are and to stand tall.
Always remember that having someone who puts you down doesn’t have to define you. You have a choice about how it affects you. You can choose to have something better.
2. It’s them, not you.
The reasons that someone decides to put you down are many. They might be taking anger or bitterness from one part of their life and venting it onto you, for example, but frequently it’s about making themselves right. By putting you down they’re able to reinforce their own position; by lessening and damaging your position they’re able to achieve personal validation.
All of this – and you have to fully acknowledge this – is about them, not you. What they say isn’t truth and their method for achieving validation is just plain wrong.
3. Teach them how to treat you.
If the person putting you down has learned previously that it’s acceptable to do what they’re doing, they’ll keep on doing it. People are dumb like that, they’ll do what works until they have evidence that it doesn’t work. That’s why the emphasis is on you to make a choice and to let them know that you expect to be treated with respect.
Your responses to others’ behaviour teaches them what is and isn’t acceptable.
If your response to their behaviour is to smooth things over, try to ignore it or accept it, you’re teaching them that their behaviour is acceptable.
All the time you’re rolling over and taking it you’re making it easy for them to believe their behaviour is okay. If it’s damaging your self-esteem and self-confidence their behaviour is not okay – you need to teach them that through your responses.
This can be tough to do, especially as it means shifting the status-quo. It means you need to do something differently, and that’s scary. If you’re scared and don’t know how to stand up and tell them that their words are unacceptable, pretend that you’re the kind of person who finds this stuff easy.
Act like you’re comfortable standing up for yourself, like you’re someone who’s confident enough to ask for respect and consideration.
4. Make the hard choice.
If they continue to put you down when you’ve changed your responses and done your best to teach them how to treat you, then it’s crunch time.
When you’ve done what you can and they’re still putting you down, you need to consider 2 questions – “How else can I turn this around?” and “What am I prepared to do to turn things around?”
If, having considered those questions, you’re coming up blank then there’s really only one choice left to you.
Get out.
You can’t reach into their head and change their behaviour or thinking, and it’s not your job to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. People either get how things work or they don’t, and there’s no way you should suffer at the hands of someone who just doesn’t get it.
If, at the end, you’ve done what you can and they’re still putting you down, you owe it to yourself to get out and get something better.
Don’t put up with being put down or made to feel small.
You deserve better.
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm
just out of curiosity take this little quiz – are we all slightly bipolar?????
xxx
I got 19….Either a mild bipolar disorder (II) or depressive disorder……
No wonder I am depressed…..I have had 250 goes on the roller-coaster…..;-)
flipping heck i got 29 pmslll xxx
Ha ha, well that’s made my self esteem rise a little…..I might just be NORMAL…..lol xx
Sorry folks, I didn’t mean to touch a nerve with the self esteem rant and the unloving wisecrack. From what I can recall I think I was loved as a kid. Like many here, my dad was kinda tired of raising kids by the time I came along as the 7th, but he was a good man who had issues like everyone. They both passed when I was in my early 20’s, so if there was some normal parenting cycle it was completed, on what scale I have no idea.
Mark/everyone. Touching on nerves is what this entire blog is about. I think you hit upon something that we all want to talk about but never have. Its a hard pill to swallow. You just keep doing like your doing and we are all better for it. Thanks
Mark/everyone. Touching on nerves is what this entire blog is about. I think you hit upon something that we all want to talk about but never have. Its a hard pill to swallow. You just keep doing like your doing and we are all better for it. Thanks
Whoooo-boy. i am back from north carolina….WITH my Daughter. The trip once I got there lasted oh, say 20-30 minutes TOPS with terri.
That woman’s brain is GONE….swiss cheese. She doesn’t even look like terri. Eyes glazed, slightly yellow…eyes PINNED to almost NO black ….(on pain killers anyone??)
I’ll get into it later, but I think that she is worse than ever…episode city.
it’s sad…so sad.
Crusty is like a tiny little KID!!! reminds me of like a freshman in HIGH SCHOOL!!!
I got my daughter. Things went very badly, but I DID say my piece. It did not go well.
I’ll report later. I’m drained.
Things don’t look good for US getting back together, but who knows. TODAYS reasons why she left are SO ridiculous…it makes me sad, but you have to laugh….later gators
WELL DONE RAAN……
You sound good, you have done good!!
A least one thing is peace in your mind at the moment…..you have that little girl SAFE!!
Now you can work on the rest!
Let us know how its gone/going? xx
well at least you got your daughter raan, well done xx
A bit od he’s scared, she’s scared:
We all remember the story of narcicssus, who when staring into a pool, became so absorbed with his own reflection that he fell in and drowned. Narcissism is a terribly judgmental term, and when we hear it weimmediately think of a spoiled man or woman preening in front oif a mirror. this isn’t alwayd a fair assessment. To one degree or another, contemporary society, with its emphasis on image and externals, has made narcissists of all of us. We have all been told to expect perfection from others and ourselves.
Narcissistic personality traits are nothing new, but few of us have thought about what it means to find these traits in ourselves or in our partners. The way that narcissism influences the development or lack of development of a relationship is very much connected to commitment issues. Some of us are always engaged in the quest for perfection ; others, acting out the flip side of the same coin, are more likely to be worried that our own imperfections will be found out.
Being narcissistic goes way beyond simply being in love with ones own reflection. It really means that we are often more in touch with the reflection or image that we project than we are with our own core. What you may not be aware of is how your own need to present a perfect picture can be connected to narcisstic issues.
We have all known some supreme narcissists, men and women who are fixated on their own reflections (and consequently on the reflections of others) that their inner cores are unavailable. A lifetime of distorted messages has long ago cut these people off from their true values and feelings, leaving them only with what is on the surface.
Anyone who is this narcisstic beleives his or her value lies in the superficial external characteristics presented to the outside world. If you can’t see it,it has little value. Extreme narcissists are never able to accept anybody because narcissism is about perfection and nobody’s perfect.
If your own sense of worth is tied in with being a perfect partner whether that sense of perfection comes from being a perfect lover, cook, caretaker, provider, or a perfect nurturer, you are involved with narcissistic image issues that could be creating problems in your life.
Even men and women with mild narcisstic impulses can be so wrapped up in externals that they cant see their own worth. Instead all they notice is the flaws in the images that they present to the world. Consequently they never accept themselves for who they really are; and without self acceptance, its impossible to genuinely accept anyone else.
Keep in mind that narcissistic people see themselves as the centre of the universe. That isnt always fun. Narcsissistic impulses can make you feel like all the eyes of the world are on you all the time. Worrying about what others think and feel about you is a very uncomfortable way to live. Thats the reason why people with narcissistic issues may struggle day and night to present perfection. Part of someones perfect presentation is the company he or she keeps. the closer ou get to someone like this the more he or she worries about the kind of image you reflect. Just as they must be perfect, so must you be if you are to be part iof their world.
If you are with a supreme narcissist, you know what it is like to be scrutinized for “flaws”. If you have ever been subjected to this kind if treatment, you know that your first reaction is to attempt to improve or modify those things whih your partner is finding fault. under these conditions there is a tendency to beleive that everything will be ok if you just changed the things that your partner doesnt like. If you could only change your body type, make more money or give away your cat, it would work out. if you could only convert to a different religion, read two newspapers a day, and learn french it would be okay.
Narcissistic people typically hurt others because they cant tolerate anymore hurt themselves. But it would be a mistake to beleive that they can be changed by the love of the perfect man or woman. This is not what it is about and its not going to work. Such a person will hold flaws against you, real or imagined. If you are too pink, too green or yellow, or too boring or jealous or angry, naive, too trusting too nice, someone with these tendencies might search it out and turn it against you.
Hmmm well i’m staying as i am and i dont care if my typing had typos in it lol and i was meant to just do the last paragraph but…………………. did the whole bit. oh how true this is ……………..
M xxxxxxxxx
MOre richard skeritt,
wish, this is what happens………. please have a quick read …….
Abandonment/Vulnerability
The flip-flop of emotions in a BP relationship can be devastating. This is usually called abandonment/ engulfment. It’s described well in Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger.
I’ve been split into oblivion by two women I’ve gotten close to, and I struggled to understand the dynamic. Both women ended their relationship with me by simply acting as if I didn’t exist, presumably because they had connected me with some prior, very painful experience. It’s a coping mechanism that protects them from anything or anyone that reminds them of memories that are too painful to deal with.
In trying to understand these experiences, I took a little different view. I’ve been influenced by an interesting book: Struggle for… Intimacy by Woititz (p 163), which deals with the behavior of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) in intimate relationships.
Abandonment: BPs, ACOAs, and other unlucky souls were abandoned as children. Not that they were left on the steps of an orphanage – that would have been much preferable. These people were abandoned up close and personal. When they needed love and support from their parents, their parents were right there to NOT give it to them. Moreover, they were told, over and over, implicitly and explicitly, that they were despicable people and that the terrible problems in their families were all their fault. They emerge from childhood feeling that they are terribly faulty people and that no one will ever be there for them. To protect themselves from the pain of this belief, they put up a mask of very proper and attractive behavior so that others won’t see how awful they are.
So into their adult lives you come, attracted (so they think) by this false facade. They don’t realize that you actually see their flaws. They are terrified that you will see through the facade and discover what an awful person they are. Once you see this, CERTAINLY you will abandon them just like their parents did. They struggle to make the mask perfect, but it can’t be done. At some point, some error, some tiny flaw (trigger) becomes evident.
Well, the game’s up; you now know how faulty they are. All you have to do is not fall over yourself reassuring them, and that’s proof positive that you’re outta there. They’re going to freak out and all kinds of strange behavior will emerge.
One way they might react is projection: “There seems to be a problem here. It can’t possibly be me. Therefore it must be you.” And since you have a problem bad enough that you would abandon her over it, it looks pretty bad as your problem, too. You’re gonna catch it for that.
Or, you may be hoovered (sucked back in, á la the vacuum cleaner) with all their might, trying to put that facade back in place and make things right. Or they may go to great lengths to get you to reaffirm your devotion to them, to the point of threatening suicide.
Vulnerability: Well, here I take a little different spin on things form the standard “engulfment” idea. I find it makes more sense to think of this in terms of vulnerability. Let’s explore the childhood experience again. Here you have a child who needed emotional support. She opened herself up emotionally to her parents to receive this support. Instead she received emotional or physical attacks. She has learned that to stay safe, she must not expose her vulnerability to anyone else.
Of course, everyone wants intimate emotional support. And as an adult, she may eventually give in to this desire and start to open herself to you. She wants loving intimacy. But her childhood experiences force her to be on high alert for attack. After all, this is all she’s ever known.
Unknowingly, you rub you nose the wrong way, or do something else that triggers her connection to painful memories. Well, her parents always did that. To her, this feels like a sure sign that you are secretly planning to attack.
Your ruse is up. Just as you thought you were getting close to her, you had to go and rub your nose the wrong way and spoil everything. She sees through you now. You are just like her parents, and emotions take over. Her fear is overwhelming, and causes her to attack back, or run. Maybe both. She may be so frightened by being vulnerable to you that she may turn you into the evil torturers that she had to live with as a child. It’s not that she thinks you’re like them. She’s not thinking at all. The emotions are in control. As I like to say: emotion overwhelms cognition.
Your tiny action (trigger) was enough to make you fit the pattern. Her fears were unleashed from inside, and you are now a terrifying attacker. You might even be split right out of existence – simply become a non-entity. After all, that will at least make her safe.
So I like to think of it as abandonment/ vulnerability. Her self-loathing leads her to be sure you’ll want to abandon her as soon as you see through her. Her experience of being attacked as a child means she will sense an impending attack when she makes herself vulnerable to you, and she will push you away to stay safe.
Don’t leave me; you’re terrible – the two edges of the BP sword.
OMG…..thats him to a tee Michelle……but what can you do about it?? xx
OMG…..thats him, Michelle……but what can you do about it?? He has done all those things?? xx
The night before he left he even said ” I am not a bad person am I” I said “No, of course not WHY, who said you were?” he replied “MY MUM!”
Omg michelle the first posting you put up hit me like a ton of bricks. I read it and my god its my xgf 😦 I feel terrible. This abandonment issue is her along with bipolar. I think I know now what triggered her response to run away the last time for ever. Her daughter that I had known for less then one week grabbed and hugged me around my upper thigh. I felt instantly uncomfortable having this 8yr old gilr do that to me. I sort or peeled her off of me. Her mom said she was giving me a hug and looked disappointed that(I pushed her away?)When she showed me affection? That and the cookies I found in the draw! I feel terrible absolutly terrible. I didn’t know this would cause a responce like that! Her daughter did it on perpose I bet? Those kids knew what would cause there mom to freak on me and they did it 😦 I don’t know what I am going to do now? What does it say to do? I need to know what to do? Can I fix it? Please tell me. Can I fix it???
Yup, that is it. You also get the “i hate you” verbally where the underlying message is “plz don’t leave me”. It’s really hard. You really have to be tough skinned and know what your dealing with.
I know it maybe weird, but you really got to come out and ask em what’s going on and the questions are going to be ackward like “babe, I know you’re mad at the world and not me right now, is there anything i can do? We are often the only one in the room to take the bullet and taking them without firing back takes a special talent. This is where not taking it personally comes in, they will project like you are the problem and issue, but we both know we are not. We are just the one who takes the hit. I’ve gotten pretty good at deflecting these now, used to set me off into orbit constantly. You come off as being a little cold but when your sure the issue does not involve you, they have to be told. Point your gun somewhere else.
People can be so cruel, so cleaning up somebody elses mess is part of the struggle.
So Mark all the “I hate you’s” and the “I dont love you” and “go away and leave me alone!” does it really mean….I like you…..I love you, please dont leave me??
And when you insist on staying…..WHAT HAPPENS?
It’s hard. Look, We already deal with self esteem issues and for someone to start saying I hate you, your ugly, your fat, your dont make me happy, whatever it is; is probably going to sink us or at least makes us feel uncomfortable. BUt, if you know the preson pretty well and you understand BP behavior, you can deflect some of the bs and work towards getting to the real problems.
I went thru almost 10 cycles in the last 2 years with the girl I’m seeing now. Every cycle was a test, do you love me, how much do you love me, show me you love me, tell me you love me, be there for me. I’m not a mind reader so I failed lots of em. I had no idea what I was dealing with, some days we had to talk 20 times, some days twice. It’s kinda suffocating at times and thats when its easy to fail in there eyes. They start to think you really dont care. BUt communication is the key, I started asking babe are you spinning today? She could start telling me when she was feeling anxious, you really have to be perceptive and for guys, sorry ,sometimes we’re not. Today ,we spoke 5 times in regards to a steeler tailgate she wanted to go to. I cant make it, working (upset her) so shes asking me in her own way is it ok if i go? yes, it will be fun, youll have a good time, etc. Now, if some jackass ruins it for her, I will take the heat. But i’ll not take it personally. I know its a little out there, but the more you interact and communicate the better off your are.
I’l be perfectly honest after #10 last yr, I was researchng how to step away, I just was running out of hope. Caught a break, finally got the right mix of meds, shes very aware and working towards dealing with her problems but we both know, it can end in a minute. she might meet some atttractive guy tonight, start drinking, partying, go manic and poof.
…..and if she did, what would you do Mark?
Would you stay around or would you go…..have you dealt with infidelity with her?
Am I a non entity? 😦 is this why she told me to never look for her? She told me a few times before she split us up that I would look for her and if I did she would never speak to me again. I never looked for her and she never came back anyway. Should I now look for her??? Does she want me to look for her?? Or should I let it go?
You are thinking the same as me Lost….are we supposed to do the opposite, to what they say??
Look for her….what do you have to lose, shes not speaking to you now is she?? 😉
get the book lost – its quite good, i’m only half way through it, as i am with the others i am on with, its call he’s scared she’s scared, steven carter and julia sokol. got mine for 50p at a charity shop lol – but you can buy on amazon. wish i knew all the answers i really do. i feel on the other side of the coin at the mo, i am the runner, like the second post, still looking for the trigger, am nearly getting it i think !!! god i hope so. we react to people as if they were our parents talking to us. yes wishing i think his mother sounds like she had a lot to answer for if he said that. cruelty can be so subtle as you will all know, i’ve said before about alice millers books and the drama of the gifted child will explain a lot of what most of you want to hear or even maybe not want to hear whatever the case.
worth a look at – this woman specialises in the mistreatment of children.
M xxxxxxxxxxx
I will find her. I will see what happens when I do. When I first met her I found her house just by knowing the town she was in. I drove there directly to her street without ever being there before. I didn’t realise how close I had been until she showed me where she lived. I never told her I was already there. I will find her this or next weekend. I hope I am doing the right thing. I wish I had someone to bring with me but I don’t.
You could bring me Lost but maybe thats not such a good idea? ……lol 😉
I better think about this more. Iv come a long way to throw it all away so fast. I need to think about it and go with my feelings.
You are in the same boat as me I think….we are dating and no ones coming close to what we had are they?
You do have to think but can you feel any more hurt….I cant, nothing seems to hurt as much now?
Wish..
If I had you here umm I don’t think I’d need to look for anyone 🙂
And you wouldn’t want to leave. Your what us yanks call a hottie 😉
You are so sweet……that girl has made a massive mistake leaving you…. 😉
Thanks wish. Your a doll. I think I told you guys about a month or two ago I was with another woman near but not close to where she lives. A woman with longer hair and big dark shades was acting frantic in a car that was passing by but stopped and she was looking at me and looking away like she was not sure of who she was looking at. When I leaned forward and tryed to take a direct look at her she bolted away real fast. If it was her I am not sure what she would have done if I was there alone? Or if just seeing me freaked her out? So I am not sure if me finding her will bring her more pain? I never want to perposly hurt her in anyway. I sometimes wish I could start over from scratch knowing what I know now. But I can’t. I have a 3rd date tonight.maybe I should keep away from run around Sue 😉
I “wish” I knew what I know now too Lost, we have learnt so much from each other and our research!
Why dont you see how your date goes, you must be getting to know this lady quite well now? If you think she could become special it maybe worth giving it your best shot?
It does sound like it was your ex in the car, she was probably upset if what Mark said is true, she maybe never wanted to leave, it just got out of hand?
Mark/
I tryed all that. Stuck around for four months asking what’s wrong let’s work through this etc. She wouldn’t reply. Then I gave her some time I checked the calender figured out where she should have been off her roller coaster ride. I was told(I have moved on and you need to do the same). It was chance that brought us together. I think I will leave it to faith. Bipolar is stronger then the love she had for me. I think I will let my bird be free. I’ll always keep her in my thoughts and prayers I will keep the love I have for her in a little box in my mind and I won’t throw it away I will just put it away in a safe place. Like my ink. No one can ever take it away from me.
I have done what I said I will never do….I have text him just to see if he remembers me just put ” Are you ok?”
Two hours ago…..NO ANSWER!!
These posts ring so true for me as well. It appears we all feel the same love deep down for our BP SO’s ~ I doubt we will ever lose the love we feel for them and in my case I have to admit that were she to appear on my doorstep wanting to get back together…in a relationship or not, I would be hard pressed not to want to go along with her….problems and all.
In my case, I will know this woman forever having a daughter with her. This makes it harder for me to watch her disintegrate her life, be with other boys or men, and have to try to be civil for the children (child) and our relationship that comes with that responsibility. I really wish that my Daughter’s Mom was ANYBODY else but Terri…a BP.
I am having a hard time today. I miss Terri and the boys more than usual with seeing Sophie here with me. On the other hand, I am incredibly happy my Daughter is safe with me.
Such an emotional issue. I am certain that long term, this has been and will damage me more than I’ll ever want or can take. Unlike you good people, I have no one to leave and never see again. I HAVE to interact with mine and watch her destroy her life and watch in sadness.
Hang in there folks. be good to ourselves and pray.
Hi guys
to everyone here & suffering …its an enormously small thing we mean to them …they struggle so much in their everyday lives , we are truly blessed to have all our facilties , we can never know where they will be from one day to the next , we can only offer whatever support we can give , close the door & walk away
they really are very very lost in a lost world ..yes menas NO & NO means YES.. so dont beat yourselves up about what you could / should have done because Guess What they are not drowning in sorrow like us
Raan my friend remember i said to you start trying to figure how to ease the pain & stop trying to work her out …U are doing soooo very well …it is the most soul destroying of any circumstances I have ever experienced …for the small % of Bp’s that continue to live in relationships there partners must be absolute SAINTS ..
Kind regards from Bittersweet
Thanks Bittersweet. frankly, I am starting to have no feelings any more. I seem to have become numb I think. Sure, I get down and lonely a bit…but I don’t care about anything anymore. it doesn’t even bother me that this little shit kid is banging my woman….
I guess I resign myself to whatever happens happens. I’ve done all I can. It’s up to her to do what needs to be done on her end.
I care about taking care of me and my daughter.
I would love to meet someone that interests me. i met someone online tonight…it wne SO well. I am very attracted to her and she wants to go out with me….finally at last!
She leaves in a few months as she joined the Army.
SO typical. I have bad luck I think. I just don’t care anymore.
Raan I know that feeling so well the last few weeks I too have felt just like that….nothing seems to bother me any more, I have had let down after let down, I have several things going on in my personal life too ( one of them is I am about to lose my home! ) but nothing seems to bother me any more, its like you are numb and nothing and no one is going to hurt you that bad again?
I think thats why I was able to text him last night and ask ” are you ok?” because I am not sure I care what the answer is or if there is an answer at all?
PS….you go for it with this girl anyway….some fun and laughter for a few weeks/months will do you good, give you back some confidence!!
Anyway Army is not the end of the world….
Wishing & Raan
‘ Madonna ‘ says that ‘ rejection is the biggest aphrodiasiac ‘ I hope we all meet someone Including LOST …sooner than later would be great
We deserve better than what we have been getting
& there are others out there who will give us what we need without the absolute torture we have endured.
I am in closure mode now finally understand ‘ Coldplays ‘ song ‘ The hardest part was letting go not taking part ‘
we are all heading to a better love, better place , better than the shit the Bp’s have dihes out to all of us . we can forgive but dont ever forget what they do to us . its unconscienable
& they dam well know it .
Wishing ‘ whats going on with your home PM me am very worried about you my dearest wonderful friend
regards
Bittersweet
Raan don’t feel bad about the girl offering you a few months of companionship. Last night my third date told me I can be with her for four years and then she is leaving for florida wtf? Lol 🙂 you are just starting off on your own again so a few months will be fun. But I am looking for long term. I told her thanks but no thanks. I would end up to attached after four years. Starting to wonder if the whole world is gone crazy? Can you imagine being told you get 4yrs and then poof gone!
Yes, I can imagine it Lost, three children all under four and poof gone…..
I can imagine it…..and he wasnt Bipolar!!
The world is crazy!!
I am SOOOO frustrated right now. terri gave me NO clothes that fit Sophie or gave me too big to fit her. I know what sophie has for clothes, and I sure did not get them. This is really got me pissed right now. Work is so slow too. I am going crazy today.
BTW, 4 yrs and poof, gone is NOT fun….I am going thru that right now. This new woman-A few months? not what I am looking for, but she sure is pretty….not very available either. Tight schedule…December, she has more free time. I will see.
Yea folks, I’m not sure if it is seasonal or weather related but my run of good days is starting to crash. Seems almost identical to what I went thru with my wife, they just seem to take and take with no reality of what they are being given. Money is a big part of the equation as well as bad choices. I gotta give the bad choices speel again today to my girl and take the rath that its spouts from her. I’m BP too so I can drop the off switch as well as anyone now. But I’ll do the communication skit and we’l see if we’re still talking tommorow. I’m sure I’ll be projected as the bad guy unable to fix ever problem in her life with the snap of her fingers.
I am SOOOO frustrated right now. terri gave me NO clothes that fit Sophie or gave me too big to fit her. I know what sophie has for clothes, and I sure did not get them. This is really got me pissed right now. Work is so slow too. I am going crazy today.
BTW, 4 yrs and poof, gone is NOT fun….I am going thru that right now. This new woman-A few months? not what I am looking for, but she sure is pretty….not very available either. Tight schedule…December, she has more free time. I will see.
grr
It really sucks how the people who are assholes get the chance to be with a great person and they trash it. And the ones who would be there never get the chance. Guess that’s the way life is.
Lost >..I agree totally seeing more & more of that & I dont have to look far even in my own family ..controlling women , manipulating their husbands lives no body gives anymore without taking first …Very sad
Raan …there must be a little cheap 2nd hand shop u can grab a few little things for sophie , just give them a wash in some fabric softener …Please try to be kind to yourself at this time …U need some quiet time with your little girl who will give u the love now that is gaping in your soul
its really awful MARK what they do …I know how you feel as two people travelling through the universe trying to hold onto some normality & each other , a hard act to follow my friend , been there & it is funny how history repeats itself
regards Bittersweet
I agree with all of the comments on here. I am beginning to think that life is one cruel joke and I am the target. I have a good outlook on life generally, but the crap I have endured these last few months make me wonder if I am supposed to to remain in pain and not be allowed happiness. I am certain i am just having a bad outlook, but things just seem to be getting worse and worse.
Terri is the most loving and kind woman. WHAT HAPPENED to her?? She is a monster now. SO cold, and unloving to me. She acts like I have the plague. Like I did her SO WRONG.
She is SO lost, and leaves me like a piece of wadded trash.
This kid she is with offers her NOTHING. WHY in the world do these BP’s act like they do? It boggles my mind and disturbs me to no end.
She doesn’t want o be with me because I got mad she bought some pillows and overspent one day a year ago at wal-mart and because at Chucky cheeses – she held her friends baby for hours and I made a comment that she was ignoring our kids….THAT is why we are not together and why she refuses to be with me….PSYCHO babble.
A REAL dealbreaker, eh?
That is what happens Raan, 7weeks ago my man hated me but now he can talk to me, I did nothing wrong and he knows it, you just have to keep it in your mind she is mentally unstable!
I think what we are all doing at some stage is forgetting that Bipolar is a mental illness and we are thinking the people who have to cope with this illness day in day out are normal, they are not??
That last post I made was from this early afternoon…this is a post on my facebook page I just posted. I guess I feel better:
“Such relief that I have my Daughter safe and sound with me now. I am glad that I have closure at last regarding the last several years of my life and moving on to much greener pastures. I am SO much happier now. Glad to have all of the crazy drama removed from my life at last….the unstable mental BS….whew. I look good and feel GREAT….Life is wonderful.”
I guess I am truly getting better and have decided it is REALLY and finally over for good. (I think)
Terri called a little while ago telling me that she just got out of the Hospital. She doesn’t know how she pulled her shoulder, neck and arm or something. She got some pain killers (there it is again…opiates) for the pain and can’t work. She sounded pitiful and weak. I give it a month or two tops before it all falls apart for real. Everything. She misses Sophie REALLY bad. I can tell. I didn’t tell her I love you, nor I miss you. In fact, I just tried to get off of the phone asap. I can tell my mindset has done a 180. I feel very sorry for her, but I’m done-err, for now? I hope I stay in this frame of mind. it’s for the best. i did get to tell each boy that I loved them and always will.
Raan a lot of them hit depression at this time of year, its seasonal disorder, a change in daylight affects them too….this may happen now?
I am worried about her “accidents” I did mention this in previous posts, her foot, her arm/shoulder now and she fell on a bike…..be careful, look for un-toward behaviour, I maybe wrong, but I have been there too!! Email if you dont get what I am saying??
Good man.:)
Lost, were you talking to me?
I owe each and every one of you a HUGE TANKS and without all of you wonderful peoples help (you all know who you are no doubt!) I would have blown my head off a few months ago. I am eternally in your debt. You all mean the world to me and this forum is a godsend.
I tip my hat to all of you.
Lost, were you talking to me?
I owe each and every one of you a HUGE THANKS and without all of you wonderful peoples help (you all know who you are no doubt!) I would have blown my head off a few months ago. I am eternally in your debt. You all mean the world to me and this forum is a godsend.
I tip my hat to all of you.
Wishing…did you ever get a text back yet?
Yes Raan I did, we exchanged about 20 texts last night, he is in depressive mode, he is very normal to talk to, this is the time I love him most, he is sensible, very quiet, very apologetic, he knows he has what he has and he knows why he has it…..the reasons I thought…..his childhood was so very bad, he has never felt loved even though I think many women tried to love him!
He needs help he just drifts from one year to the next in this unstable mess trying his best to get it right but we both know he wont because his head is as he puts it “totally fucked up”
He said “sorry” many times and in the end I said to him you dont have to keep saying sorry and he said “I do because I have hurt you so much!” so I replied ” Thank you, that means a lot to me, it puts my mind at peace knowing I didnt do anything wrong!” he replied, “its never your fault”
And I left it at that…..I dont know what will happen next, I dont know what I want to happen next, the man I fell in love with was back last night and it was lovely but I am not daft I know the other man will come back!
I dont know if he would even be willing to have me around and at the moment I will not pursue that anyway, I am happy just to be there if he needs someone just there!!
I will not get on the rollercoaster again!!
I still dont know if there is anyway to make this better for him, there have been times I have almost got him to the doctors but I know that wont happen until he wants it to happen and as he said if you take the meds you increase the manic and thats the part I dont want, even though he gets “happy” with manic, he is also aggressive afterwards!!
I would like him to have counciling again, talking may help!
He used to tell me he would like to talk to me but when it gets to it, he backs out!
I dont believe he does this because he wants too, I believe they do what they do because they cant help it?
Which I think was my view from the very beginning?
Raan your doin good. Be prepaired for the ups and downs. Its like quiting smoking. You get the urge to go back but if you hold off it passes. Having a good day here too. Hmm this weekend I am taking my HA girl out to dinner and some live music at the pub. Should be a blast.
Raan ..I feel the same as you today …everywhere i go people just want to yell & argue at me ..,,some days u just want to go home & shut the door & never go out into this cruel world again . and i havent even got it tuff.
a man described his realtionship with his bipolar wife on another forum ” as one foot in heaven & one foot in hell ” I think u can realte to this at the moment raan
Its funny how these Bp’s always have something wrong with them , last time it was her foot , now pulled shoulder ..what will it be next week ? maybe she is getting those pain killers for crusty too do u think ?
the monster thing i can relate to , cold , uncaring & ignoring you all sound so familiar ..trashing u by rubbing the new love in your face …know that too
after some little comment you made 2 years ago that u dont even remember but not to mention the barrage of abuse they unload onto you for the perceived wrongs ?
LOST I like the giving up smoking analogy …yes it does pass the urge to go back ..because then you remember all the shyte you would have to bare …In the end i played the game so well I think I out bipolared his ass …they say not to argue with a BP cause they always win …well I moved the goal posts a little myself to allow for all the fuking pain that had coem my way ..Do u know Raan we were not told they were bp when we met …well dont know about u but I certainly had never had much to do with one , apart from a party i attented years ago …that seemed like an LSD trip without the drug.LOL
but hey these people do know they are ill wether undiagnosed or not they are very clever at conning the good souls of this planet . BTW has anyone heard from TRUSTURGUT …did she go back to her BP ? just curious maybe the BP took her out LOL
cheeky monkey Bittersweet
Hi raan/Bitterbabe/and wish that’s floating around here someplace 🙂
I think the one yr I spent with her was like doing five yrs with a normal person. Deeply effected me and even though its been months I am still on the roller coaster but this time I am on it alone. Woke up at 4am and cannot sleep and I do this a lot now. I can get by for weeks just taking short naps maybe ten-fifteen minut breaks. Yes raan I was talking to you. It takes a long time to deprogram ourself. Good days bad days. Good hours and bad hours. Crossed between pity and hate and back to self loathing. I doubt I will ever face her again I will prob always check up the little I can on her just to make sure she is still here. But I think its best to take the out I was given. Maybe its a good thing they run away from us because I never would have left on my own. Nope bitter I haven’t heard from trust in a long time. I hope that’s a good thing.
READ THIS U GUYS FROM ANOTHER POST..RAAN /LOST
have finally reached my limit, I thought I could handle it, I thought I could carry on but all your words, hope, and prayers, kept me going but I have reached my last straw. I dont want to, but now I am forced to. I have yet to read all the posts here as I have been gone a few days. I don’t know if they will provide me any more relief any more. I have given up on any hope and faith I had little of.
My wife had come back at last, at least I hoped. I am so confused and lost. Once again, I trusted her. She was supposed to get help. We were prepared to go to counsilling, go to the hospital anything we could do to save us. She told me she was sorry she took the TV it will never happen again, that she loved me…however I come home, this time more stuff missing, including the computer. The only thing I have left of value, my memories, my pictures; my whole life is on the computer. In fact it is my only communication. My wife is gone once again nowehere to be found no warning, no indication. The police finally found my comnputer in a pawnshop today and it is siezed and in police possession. My wife is waiting to be investigated by police once again and perhaps may be arrested for B&E. I am full of questions why my wife would do this yet again.
On my way home tonight I see my wife ride by in a car with an older man knowing where they are heading I go to the house that I figured she was staying. All I wanted to do was ask her to go to the hospital get help, and she freaked. She told me she loved me but could not be with me. I was supposed to be the shoulder she cries on, the person she runs to but instead she turns to this other guy. He calls the police, and I tell them that she needs to go to the hospital and get assessed as Emerg. Medical Resp. Team was lookign for her, Meanwhile my wife asks to have me arrested for harrassment They didnt even bother to ask me questions, just wrestled me to the ground, cuffed me and threw me in a cell. I am released on a promise to appear in court exactly a month from now. I also have a condition that I cannot be 100 yards from her, contact her in any way etc. The police officer does not think it is even fair that I am going through all this but had no choice because that is what she wanted and asked for. I have never been arrested in my life, hurt this woman or did anything but love her cherish her and honour her. She watched me as the police cuff me and take me away , and does nothing except turn away and walks away with this stranger. I come home and I find out I also lost my job because of all the negativity around me.
I am haunted by words the police told me today, To not fight this order. TO let it wait a month and I will see how I do not need this person in my life They said she has caused nothing but problems,I am better off without her and that they deal with alot of Bi-polar people on a regular basis, some not even being treated. He told me that this kind of behaviour isnt a reflection on her mental health but more so her personality. Maybe it is true. But I loved this woman. Is love really that blind?
WOW….PERHAPS I BETTER RE-WRITE MY LAST POST…..?? X
Wow Bittersweet,
This man’s story sounds a lot like mine, except for the being arrested part. I came close though. He had another woman over on New Year’s Day (sleeping over at his home) after he had told me he didn’t do New Year’s because his ex wife had turned him off of it. He was enraged when I found out and called the police to make sure that they would call me to threaten me with stalking. They said that he wanted to make sure I didn’t contact him again, and that if I did I would be criminally charged. Wow! This was the guy who was calling me three, four times a day… who had just given me his gold chain… took it off his own neck to put it on me… saying how much he loved me and wanted me in his life….. the phone went from ringing every day to nothing…. I fell into a deep depression. I had to stop working for a while. I couldn’t see any hope in anything or anyone. It has taken me a while to get back to normality. I like Lost
s analogy to quitting smoking. The withdrawal symptoms are horrible. I had to quit cold turkey. Now I am OK. The pain pangs are gone. They felt like someone had gutted my stomach. My therapist said that’s what grief feels like. I think that’s where the rollecoaster analogy comes in. Grief makes you feel that sick, gutted, impending doom feeling of going down a rollercoaster. But it eases. Everything goes back to normal and you realize that the intensity this person made you feel was their mania. I look around at normal people and I don’t see that intensity in their eyes. That’s because they are not manic. They are rational. That intense love they made us feel, the way they came on to us to make us believe we were so special, was their own manic neediness. It can’t be replicated, but then again neither can the pain of the hell they can put people through with their negative side. Raan, I hope you meet someone who loves you for you and who is not bp. I hope you’re happy. You deserve it. Lost, I hope you find the woman of your dreams. I hope all of us find happiness. We deserve it. As you said Lost, I will always keep this love in my heart: the good moments ofd it. It was perfect love, until the monstrous side of the person emerged. But I will always cherish those perfect love moments. It’s just time to leave the pain behind. We owe it to ourselves.
Josie you are so right, yes BP is a awful thing but what we must remember is that we are the lucky ones….we have a choice to leave this behind, they do not!
We want to help our loved ones, we feel the loss so badly, we are hurt when they leave we are overjoyed when they return BUT we have a choice whether to stay or to go too!! 🙂
Josie / Raan / Lost ..Day at the beach LOL
one day we were sitting on the beach in a secluded place having such a lovely time , we were ideally suited sexually
& always enjoyed being together . His phone rang & I reached over & handed it to him, he reluctantly answered the phone , there was a women on the other end
crying , she was balling her eyes out , he just went quiet , she was asking him what was going on ? he was giving her the same answers i have heard
many times , they are brief answers , with only a few words , basically saying to her it was her fault he left . she became hysterical and started screamng abuse at him ..he didnt hang up amazingly , she kept going on & on about what she had done for him etc …i was so horrified , it ruined our time together , just drove a big knife into our lovely day together . he got up and walked away while she was still screaming at him …i dont know what he said to her after that because he just walked off along the beach with the phone …wether he made arrangements to meet her after i dont know, but eventually he came back ..and as u can imagine
i asked him what that was all about …he started to get agitated with me then ..it ruined our day out completely . he sounded so cold to me then ..he said she was stalking him and he couldnt get rid of her …( yeah right ) I said to him perhaps your methods of communication are not good enough , you need to let women know where they stand …something he has never done , because he just goes silent & moves on …he had this cold cruel look in his eyes …he went from loving me
& laughing with me to someone I didnt know ..but I was soon to experience the rath of that same situation myself …they are so cruel the way they hurt people
they simply just dont care at all ..he had been with that women and apparently promised her they would go on a trip together , then just disappeared on her …did not answer her calls or text mess…the only reason he did on that day , was because i handed him the phone .
Not long after that he did the same thing to me …i was in the same place that women was …crying & sreaming down the phone to him …why / why / why /etc
you would really think they would get tired of all the abuse from others …it reminds me of one of those wool balls we used to make as kids from all the left over wool
they just get bigger & bigger …god knows they dont have a conscience because I couldnt live like that could you ?
I ended up getting her phone number out of his phone when he wasnt looking and i rang her …she told me he told her he was in love with her …he told her i was his ex when she asked who I was ? he said that I was stalking him …& he had to get rid of me because i wouldnt leave him alone …she said many things …they were ugly things
I used to aquire a lot of female friends through him …they were all the ones he had burnt ..i used to wonder why out of all the women he chose to keep coming back to me ??
some of the women I met were no oil paintings I can tell you , so he definately doesnt care about their looks …some were broke , some were very poor , some had their own homes , some punched him , some had businesses , some had husbands !!
it is truly amazing the way they have no conscience …truly amazing … regards Bittersweet
I am with you 100% bitterbabe 😉 it is the same as quitting smoking. The withdrawl panes are there but they come and go. Like I just said to wish I do not want to be a wooden horse on there twisted and sick merry go round from hell. If I have the luck or should I say misfotune of running into her again and she wants me back in her life then I will need to know from her what I am to do when she takes off. And there will not be days and weeks and months of no contact. I refuse to be called or treated as some kind of stalker and run the risk of being put in chains and thrown into a cage like a animal! I am not a mouse in her sick cat and mouse game. I will twist my own thoughts to where I play my own game. The game is while I wait for this chance meeting that I pretend will happen.if I meet someone else and they are kind hearted and true to me and there is attraction then I will stay with her! I have dealt with phyical pain in the same way. I am in this place and I move the pain away from me. I move it to another place that is not in my mind. The pain goes away. I’m still there but the pain has moved on! They jump from one willing participant to the next in line. Telling us all the same twisted lies. Looking at there new or old recirculated love with those eyes I thought were only meant for me. They can lie to who ever they want but I won’t let em play me like some kinda jackass. Oh and I am really good in bed lol so her loss 😉
Hey Lost …I understand from reading other posts that not all Bp’s are like this , they can be responsible & take their meds etc & are genuinely concerned as much as they can be anyway about the damage they have caused . BUT I wonder what would happen if we played the same sick Bipolar game to the bipolar biatches who ruin genuine peoples lives …I agree with you about the cat & mouse trash but really do they care NO we do but they dont …they actually love in the face of tragedy . I remember one of my ex bp’s friends contacted him, she was sick with cancer in the spine , she was just ringing to say ‘hello ‘ after he hung up from talking to her , he said ‘ who cares if she has cancer maybe it will get rid of her faster & I wont have to listen to her shit anymore ” In a normal world somebody would not say that but he had no remorse ..it was so cold , it was chilling .
so u think to yourself wow where did that come from ..yesterday he was a snivveling little basket case looking for sympathy from anyone & crying in his soup .
the next day so bitter & twisted ..SHYTE & to make matters worse he actually meant it 🙂
u know Lost people say they are sick & confused & we shouldnt hurt them but I have to ask if they are indeed so sick how the fuk do they manage to contrive all theses sick little scenarios..
regards bittersweet
Lost …thats menat to be ‘ laugh ‘ in the face of tragedy above post …
cheers bittersweet
Bitterbabe….I cant comment on every BP but maybe they are not all the same, I remember telling mine about my baby dying and his eyes filled with tears, yes, he is hard and he has seen more death than any of us but there were feelings there!! xx
I think that maybe a persons personality, I also remember my Mother-in-laws comments on finding out her sons ex wifes, new husband had cancer and only 6 weeks to live her comment was ” What goes around comes around” this was a 67 year old “good catholic”……NOT BIPOLAR!!
Ha ha…..oh Lost, all that, then the last line…..brilliant!!
Important news flash:
My date weighed a million pounds. She was 5ft tall and 6ft wide. She had a big mole on her cheek! Things didn’t look good. And neither did she. But I learned something tonight. Internet dating is scary. And yes people lie.
Oh she claimed to be a clairvoyant but she told me nothing? She wanted to date me so I guess that means I won’t be dieing anytime soon 🙂 Ha.
was that news flash or horror movie … Lost
this should be a new site named Life after BP
am sure it will keep us entertained for a while
my date was all over me …kissing cuddling being ultra charming wanted my cell number etc etc
never heard another thing …so text him to say hi ‘
he never responded LOL
sheesh this dating thing aint what its cut out to be is it ? I dont do internet dating because I have chewed my arms off so many times …my gf who does says what u do is go to the meeting place a little earlier than the agreed time …suss out the sitcho then when u see them which isnt hard to pick …u can decside if u want to stay or run & make a call to them to say u crashed the car .
the last one I had text me at meet time & told me his wife had a heart attack & was in hospital ..WTF I got a belly laugh out of that one .
BP may be one foot in heaven & one foot in hell but this stuff seriously affects your self esteem
Regards Bittersweet
Well thats something at least Lost…..lol 😉
I have been there too, one good date to 10 bad ones but we have to keep at it, just keep smiling!!
And Bitter, I have got as far as second dates as you know, then……NOTHING!!
You do have to have a real self-confidence to do this dating thing, take it lightly, believe nothing until a trust is built!
I go out, I have a nice time “sometimes” and if I dont I walk away putting it all down to experience….we have to believe there is life after loving a BP….
ps…Rules for dating, sit near the door or if your a lady wear trousers, then escape through the toilet window!! 😉
pmsll x
Well now, terri called this morning ….she was weak, pitiful and out of it….asked how sophie was doing. I told her that Sophie is fantastic…having a great time with her Daddy and I am doing WONDERFUL. She got bent out of shape when i told her I was meeting with a woman I know tonight that is going to babysit for me Saturdays. She said I need to figure something else out as terri doesn’t want some stranger watching her child….Go figure. isn’t Crusty Dusty some KID that watches my kids and I never was even asked about my feelings on the day care she puts them in…
I’m not worried about it. I have to do what I have to do.
When over at this woman’s house tonight to introduce Sophie to this new babysitter and her daughter who might help as well, Terri called again. She just got out of the hospital AGAIN. She just got out -what was it – yesterday? She is on more Medicine and sounding HIGHER THAN A KITE.
I got off quickly. I am worried about terri. She is sounding worse and worse. Nothing I can do though.
I am GLAD my daughter is here vs. there.
I am thinking on Writing Terri a quick short and sweet letter telling her how happy I am that we broke up, that because I love her…I am glad she found a BOY friend that can support her better, is more mature than I, more experienced, is a better role model for the kids, and can provide her and the kids with so much more than I (yeah, I know….he is a KID, and obviously NOT able to do any of this stuff). I am not trying to be sarcastic…I just want her to know how much I agree with the breakup and to let her know I am doing FANTASTIC!
There is a probabability that this MAY make her wake up and do something about her situation if I present it so….
WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK????
Hey raan. I know where your at. But personnely I wouldn’t do it at the point she’s at. She is comming down now and self medicating with pain pills. She’s going to crash very hard. I am not wanting to hear she killed herself. Use coution and be prepaired to maybe get her some sort of help. This is the terrible part of bp that breaks my heart. Maybe the others bitter wish michelle have more knolage on who to call. I do not. Its so sad to read this.
Do you really think she is about to crash? WHY? Is there anything that you suggest I do to keep her from doing less stupid vs. more stupid stuff?
I know I’ve finally let her go in my mind, but never in my heart. I love this woman like no other…you are scaring me.
Does it sound like depression coming on? Why?
I get thie impression that she may have just pulled some muscles, and is on pain pills again. She LOVES pain pills.
I’ll just be there for her as a friend o talk to, and hope she confides in me so I can do something proactive if need be for the kids or her. She doesn’t want me in her life, so other than being a friend that she can talk to..my hands are basically tied and that pice of Sh1t Mother of hers that doesn’t even believe that terri is sick…well…that’s a lost cause.
It amazes me too…her Mom KNOWS Terri had an episode in January, but is in SUCH denial she is sick NOW…..sad.
This whole thing makes me sad, and feeling so powerless to do anything to help.
I pray you are wrong about her doing something fatal.
Any suggestions?
Oh Raan….where to start…
We told you she would come down “eventually” this is Bipolar its not all highs…..now you have to cope with the lows??
Un-medicated BPs have more lows than highs my ex has only about 2 manic episodes a year only lasting about a week a time….he has depression of 3/4 months at a time….and it is low!!
Dont ever doubt that she could be pushed to the edge, so please dont send that letter, dont fight with her and dont do anything to hurt her, she will feel vunerable now! It will need patience and understanding now if she is going into a depression!
My ex would send texts saying “I want to curl up and die, I want to go to sleep and never wake up again, I am in a black hole and there is no way out!!”
Seems like poor Terri has parent issues too….so many parents with so much to answer for….and the cycle continues….
All you can do is be there, which is what I am doing now, my ex is going the same way, I told you it can be seasonal in a previous post, there are other symptoms to look out for, look it up on the internet, read all the info you can so you can help if she will let you?
Another symptom is pain, they physically feel unexplained pain?
You need to keep your daughter as long as you can and as long as she will let you! Terri will lose her energy now, she will want to sleep more, she may not even get up some days, she wont talk, maybe not eat or wash, she will need all the help she can get having children!!
This is your time to shine, be there, dont smother her, just ask if she needs help, she will need to feel cared about…..she wont return it, you will have to accept that!
She may get what she needs from Lusty Crusty but some how I doubt it, he wont understand…..
The best thing you can do is be there, dont push her and get educated about depression!!
Raan. I didn’t mean to scare you like that but if she is bp they have there manic and then there is the depression side.that’s the way it is most of the time. Very rare that they are only always manic. My girl told me more then once she thought of or almost killed herself and you maybe better let someone know to keep an eye on her. This disease is from hell. And I don’t know what the fuck is going on inside my own head these days. Yesterday afternoon I was feeling great. This morning I feel like its the end of the world. Iv been doing this so much over the past yr I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I got work to do so can’t stay on here right now. Just keep a open ear and if she calls talk nice to her. Not the love stuff just nice normal no questions unless its to ask how she feels. Keep it simple.
Raan,
Buddy, yes, she is crashing. Intervention is probably to strong a word but these are the times you got to have the serious face to face heart to heart talks and maybe with a doctor or counselour present. You gotta tell her , Terri, I care about you (not love), you gotta a illness a MENTAL illness called Bi Polar. It’s not your fault but you got to see a doc, get on some meds and get this ride under control.
I went 9 cycles with my girl before I was able to tell her to her face she was mentally ill. Its hard, its not something anybody wants to talk about nevermind be open and productive about it. Under the proper meds, diet, exercise, sleep, stress awareness you can live a somewhat normal life, but you GOTTA WORK AT IT and its no fun. One slip and your back to square one.
Don’t rush in all lovvy dovvy, its going to zap the energy you have to give, she has to make a tremendous effort; not be pampered. Don’t use this oppurtunity to be the knight as bad as you want to – it tough love time. You ride in and your going to get speared, beleive me plz beleive me. Your going to want to thinking this is an oppurtunity to get her back, dont worry little boy got no shots to deal with this real life.
You folks are all saying she is about to crash….why?
I mean, I thought that she would have already, but is it because she is feeling so crappy all of a sudden? The self medicating? The down and out sounding?
I don’t call her. She calls me…so when she calls, I wil do as you all have suggested. No lovey dovey stuff….just be there for her as a friend i guess is the best way to put it….because I CARE (not because i love her)and I want her to be well and want her to have the best for her and the kids.
I suspect that she is on a lot of pain killers by the sound of her voice and the fact that she went to bed after 7 pm last night….
I am very concerned. VERY. She has tried to do some funny stuff before and I caught her (knife at her wrists in the kitchen all depressed…for one. Other less fatal stuff, but stuff that worried me severely.
The people up there that are around her are ALL frickin totally ignorant or in denial with what is going on with her….this situation really bites.
Thanks so much.
yeah lusty crusty will be on his way shortly, up to know its been fun fun fun, wait tillhe has to put up with three months depression or more and it WILL happen!! dunno what the winters are loke over there but the do suffer from S.A.D ( seasonal affective disorder) lots of people do but bipolars………….. well….. all summer mine was manic, then winter omg……..
Sometimes they do realise something is wrong, i remember mine clinging to me in the street almost sobbing telling me he had mental health problems, yeah it was a breakthrough……………. i never ever had the guts to say it full on, just hints, that were always projected straight back at me………. i was the crazy one etc…. and trust me it takes its toll…… i wonder am i mad??
M xxx
Raan,
Shes about to crash because we’ve seen it a hundred times. If she was manic she would calling asking you to watch all the kids while she and jailbait go out and party.
my wife pulled these stunts when she was feeling unloved too, be careful however, make sure any rage is directed towards little boy. Understand these are just feelings we are dealing with NOT REALITY, shes feels unloved but may have a whole nation kissing her azz.
if she starts acting up tell her what ever she is bithing about you did not create it – talk to little boy blue and walk out – stop talking – you got set this boundary or she will continue to project bad feelings on to you and youll take it. DONT TAKE IT, its a bad analogy but your training her to not take her shit anymore no matter what i hapening in her life. shell lie and say shes dieing, bs like that, all lies, flat out tell her you dont beleive shit like that tell it to little boy. Shell slowly put the shit on him and beleive he aint going to be able to take for very long, you gotta be a saint and thick skinned.
So you lovely people does anyone have some good advise for me….
This is the short version…
:We had a fantastic weekend together and he made loads of plans for our future!
:The following Wednesday he told me to go, he didnt love me, he didnt need me, delete his number, never call him again!
:Three weeks later he apologised, just small text talk!
:Two weeks after longer text talk! Nothing about us, apart from he cant hurt me again?
:Beginning this week longer text talk, told me he is feeling very low, apologised again!
:I sent a text yesterday just saying “thinking about you” it was rememberence day! ….have heard nothing since!
I am the one texting first but he doesnt ignore me?
What does everyone suggest now, I know he is coming down too but should I just leave him alone?
Wish. Everyones situation is a little different. I waited four months after being told to go away. I tryed to keep in her thoughts until the fourth month when I was told not to write to her anymore. I haven’t been taking it well at all. Somedays good other days bad. Maybe you are stronger then me. I cannot take anymore rejection. I fear it. I fear it like I never have before. I want love I want her but she scares the fuck out of me. Raan do like mark says. Do it just like that. Don’t lose your kool. I did that once and I am still paying for it now. Its the weekend and I am not happy at all I’m down down so fucking low I feel like death.
Cmon folks, suck it up. I love all ya and have the exact issues , thoughs, highs and lows. If you’re going to love UNCONDITIONALLY then get ready for that ride. These people have a MENTAL ILLNESS, and usually a handful of other personality disorders to go with it. BI POLAR is HIGH and LOW. They will tell you they love you but they will also tell you they hate you and every problem in there life is your fault. ITS THE ILLNESS, separate the 2 when you can and if you can ever really discuss with this personal they are ILL DO IT DO IT NOW, your not going to fight this peice of shit disease by kissing anyones azz least of all docs. It takes all teh things I posted earlier. As far as us personally feeling low and high, remember these are FEELINGS you do have a choice to how YOU FEEL, that is your choice.
The only choice I have right now is in the right now. That choice is to stay awake so the dreams won’t come. Hell even without any dreams there is always morning and in the morning you wake up feeling so bad like you lost your best friend or like you are just so alone. Mark do you ever drag yourself through the day do all that needs to be done and then when ur completly spent exhausted and ready to just pass out the moment you lay down and start to rest you are wide awake? You look outside its pitch black and you want to just do something but your mind tells you no? You can sit and stare for hrs at what ever it is that makes you feel better or like you are a high reving motor that is stuck in nautral? You think you need help but you just don’t have the time never? Even when you are doing nothing you feel its just a wast of time and you have other things that need to get done but when u look and see youv done nothing? Wtf is going on? You fear the phone will ring or someone will want to talk to you and your just avoiding people so you don’t have to think? Tonight I’m all fucked up. I woke up feeling bad. It past while my new stove came in. And then it came back. I already do not want to sleep tonight and I’m thinking out a plan that I know I won’t even do.I want to go for a ride tonight. But I won’t. I will sit up messing with my phone and computer and thinking of a way out of all this bull shit. I have made so many dates I cannot possibly keep. I’ll tell these woman I have time to see them and I don’t cause I told others the same time same day. I’m rambling but I said what I needed to say and I hope it helps in some way.
Oh Lost, not sure what to say apart from at least you have some dates, I have nothing lined up for the weekend, not even coffee with someone!
Was supposed to celebrate a friends 40th tomorrow and even she has run off with a man instead!!
I feel the same at the moment, I am so confused as to what to do?
When someone normal tells you to go and they dont want you then you go but this is so different because he has spoken to me since?
This has happened in the past but not so aggressive and he always comes back but this seems different.
We have had as long as 6 months without not seeing each other but we have always kept good contact.
I know you have said she told you not to write again and he has told me this too, but I didnt stop and he writes back?
I must admit I dont sleep to good at times like this, I keep wondering if there is an easier way….but there is not because I do know its unconditional!!
That’s the whole problem wish. Its unconditional. And it may not ever be any other way. We love them without condition. And they demand no conditions be met. Today iv spent all day double guessing myself and thinking about my short past with her. Self pity. Self destruction its all the same. Hope wish. Its all we have at times and it really sucks!
LOST LOST LOST
man have I been where you are …I have a severe thyroid condition involves depression , but not for months for a few days at most ….it is horrendous let me tell you …I think everyone hates me …feel so fuked up its rediculous ..walk around with so much PAIN
Look I just went to a naturopath & irodologist …she reads your eyes ..she gave me a tonic with Iron & vit B12
she gave me other pills for anxiety they are phosphates , potassium & magnesium …am feeling sooooo much better not so much anxiety & a lot calmer…the waiting thing u talk of each day & night …the highs u talk of I know them as manic because my thyroid is Hypermanic …my heart races , my emotions all over the shop ..have u had your thyroid checked ..its a blood test …simple
the condition I have mimics bipolar depression..its called ‘Graves Disease ” google it if u like men can get it too. but if I were you i would get your iron levels tested ..low iron creates depression & anxiety ..after 2 days I felt miraculously better
RAAN RAAN RAAN
try not to get angry at her ..I know it is very hard not too. Really though you cannot drop your guard EVER
just when you think u have won …you lose again
Remember you will most certainly be the loser in a bp relationship if you can get used to that & drop all normal expectations then u have half a chance
Just remember U never win ..with this disease ..
hope that helps
regards bittersweet
While all of the posts on here today really make me think I am not alone…I have to say people TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!!!
There are times I am so depressed, I want to die or perhaps take a handful of sleeping pills. I am not like this normally. there is something that happens to one that dates a BP for any length of time. The good is GREAT, and the bad is a nightmare. Does something to you when they leave I think.
I haven’t heard from terri today, and all I can think of is 1)-she is sleeping her ass off and out of it on painkillers…or
2)-she is out fu*king off or having sex with a minor….
Point is: it doesn’t matter. I have to just let nothing bother me, or it ill destroy me…like you good folks.
DON’T LET ANYTHING GET YOU DOWN.
As you all have told me…be good to yourselves….treat yourselves well.
It will all be okay in the longrun. if anyone wants to talk with this worn and drained man for any reason, do so. I am there for any of you.
I miss Terri bad…I too havbe this problem. It gets me pretty down at times. I’m lucky this month as I have my daughter here.
Peace to you all
hi Raan
i will talk to you …for me it was always the instant betrayal I think was the hardest aspect to fathom . I cannot understand & probably never will how they can walk hand in hand with you & the next split second be in bed with someone else ….I can understand the depression the mania the not wanting to talk to you , all that i can handle …i just cant handle the sharing bit ! it does my head in yet i know to them it means nothing and one of the bp’s wives on another post put it like this ‘ at least you know you mean something to them cause if you mean nothing they would talk to you ‘ and a bp man described it like one foot in heaven one foot in hell ‘ living with them . but i guess the thing for us is we are not with them anymore are we…they have abandoned us at the highest order ..its an extremely painful experience to go thru ” one i hope i never have to go thru again …they break hearts and keep walking they cheat & lie to you …they treat you like the enermy . so really what can u do …treat them the same way i guess without being spiteful …i can tell you I have become spiteful over the years but it only hurt me more. I really think the best thing is to move on …seriously I do ..we all need someone to love us & they are not capable .
always here my friend I hear ya
Bitter
How are we, the insignificant others, supposed to not take these attacks personally? At what point do we just believe them and our love is just gone?
Bipolar disorder is a cruel and heartwrenching illness.
Its hard to see and watch your loved one do things and say things to you that are so mean and hurtful but you know its not them talking.
On the other hand you feel sadness and anger towards them and that makes you feel guilty because you know its not fair and wrong to attack them or fight about it but sometimes its hard not to and you just have to try your best to get through it.
You ask yourself how could a person treat someone they love this way and how do you let yourself be treated this way?
For me its love and I know how his true self is and how we were together and wanting that all back.
Should I wait? How long? Will it ever go back to the way it was? Will he feel that way toward me again? Should I try and move on? Is that right to do? Which part of him is the illness today and which part isn’t? Is it all the illness? Is this how he really feels? Why does he treat me this way? Why do I deserve this?
These are all questions running through my head and probably yours too. I try to remember its not their fault they are like this and who they are now is not them, it can’t be!
I have been told that its a result of disinhibition- meaning when they are Manic they lose the normal controls all of us have. There are definate changes on MRIs showing abnormal brain activity which translates into a) their behavior b) their lack of remorse and c) their need for constant stimulation.
So they break up…. they cheat… they drink-behave impulsively etc…
…..and its only when they crash that they realize what they have done?
Everyone/
I am doing ok didn’t mean to upset anyone shit just happens I guess. Had a very bad day yesterday and still a little jittery today. Was not sad about bipolar girl I was sad about every bad relationship I ever had well atleast the ones that start off so great and wonderful and and up in the tank for reasons that leave me double guessing myself. Yes bpgirl thinking about her is what started the ball rolling. Then everything seemed to hit me all at once. I need to slow down. Put the breaks on a little but some days I just go after things like there is no tomorrow. Spiteful? Sad? Happy I feel good on a given day? Wish I am not buying into the they love you and that’s why they run away. Because each time they are back that means they ran from someone else they love? So they love everyone? Lol. Hmm made me smile anyway:) must be that tough love we see on tv and in books lol. Well my friends I think I really did it this time. Tonight I have dates with three different woman all at the same place. And yet I am feeling I can handle it. I must be nuts. Oh and this great event I created is in bpgirls town so there is a chance she may show up and put the iceing on my cake 😉
Ha ha….WELL THAT PUT A WHOLE NEW LOOK ON SPEED DATING….lol
At least you dont have to break your neck getting from one place to another?
Question: What you going to do if date number one is really nice and you want to stay all night with her?
Answer: RUN!!
They run for many reasons not just that one….they run because its easier not to have a relationship because then you can leave them and they get hurt?
They run because they dont want you to see the manic side, the pain and hurt they cause?
They run because they need to be alone in a safe place….. ALONE?
Bipolar is an illness but it doesnt make them all identical, people have different personalities and some cause more destruction than others and some are milder cases than others!!
Lmfao. I may be a little messed up but I’m not stupid. I will leave the the chick I went there with 😉 no matter what happens I won’t turn tail and run. Cause that’s the kinda guy I am 😉 lol.
They got a million reason to run and not one reason to stay lolol Ha
INTERRRRRESTING.
see, MY BP runs, cheats, makes terrible decisions, makes me watch her destroy all of our lives, etc…but because we have a child together…makes me sit from the sidelines and watch every grisly detail while giving me NO means to stop it.
FUN, eh?
Its hell on earth raan. That’s why we hold eachother together. I appriciat your trying to talk to me yesterday. None of this is what or where we thought we would be. We are all here for ya.
Raan that kid shes supposedly with would be a non entity
he would not be able to offer her anything much …would just be a hanger on …she would be using him to help her self …lets be realistic . he cnnot give her anything much except agree with her miseries & probably is wondering what is going on half the time …so you couldnt call him a man that is a threat to you at all
because he cant even compete .
you just have to keep trying hard to overlook those bits & work towards getting things as good as possible between you …BIG picture you may even move on to another partner down the track someone who will support & love u like terri seems incapable of doing , someone who is loyal & kind . I know its like eating dirt when you feel like this but it is possible.
think with your logical mind now …for the sake of sophie ..terris stable life with you has gone that may never be the same …your lives to together will change because of this episode ..she may never want to come back but down the track a bit she may change her mind about that then it will be up to you to decide to do that if you havent met & fallen for someone new .
The Bp’s dont really care if we meet someone new because in their wierdo mind they have moved on …so fast forward a bit & this situation could be presenting itself to you . Sophie will be older naybe at school she will always love you , she will probably want to come & live with you one day ..they do tend to want to be with the stable parent , and terri will never have anything no money or proper home ..
try to take a quantum leao of faith into the future & stand back from what you see now which is a fuking joke as we all know …try to have some faith that good things will happen ..Its very hard to appreciate at this point in time , but if you could imagine anything worse than this …she could have moved into a mans home with the kids , he could have taken ownership of terri & be dictating to you about when you will have sophie etc
people do take ownership of others when they see vulnerability …she is basically doomed from this point for quite a few years unless she returns to you it is going to be a struggle …so please try to understand terri didnt sit down with a pen & paper & contrive this situation she fell into it from running from what she perceived were the wrongs you did to her ..well they all do that so with a bit of time things may improve there may be one little indication she is on the mend then you can swoop while you have an opportunity . take into account time with a bipolar is not like our time . projects take a lot longer to achieve.
kind regards Bitter
what you said was very well crafted bittersweet. i appreciate it.
The one funny thing you wrote:
BIG picture you may even move on to another partner down the track someone who will support & love u like terri seems incapable of doing , someone who is loyal & kind .
That WAS terri…the person you described. it’s just since this episode it isn’t. I don’t have the constant running away thing going on with her. Just January and that I feel was instigated by the new meds…THIS time…I am not sure.
BUT, I DID see and get your well made point.
Good stuff and good suggestions people. I think I have a good idea what to do and not to do.
Still have not heard from her for a few days now….odd.
I hope she is okay.
Raan….
Bitter sweet is right, there is nothing you can do!
I put up reasons they do what they do not because I am siding with it or because I think what they do is right or because I hurt any less than everyone else, I put it because that’s what it is…..its an illness and there’s nothing you or I can do!
I know you had 4 wonderful years and she was that person you wanted, we all had wonderful times but she is young and the illness gets worse with many factors, ageing is one, when my partner was young he managed to get married have a child, live many years with his wife, then it was all over!! And within the last year he has got so much worse!
You will never have a stable relationship with Terri again, I would imagine you will always have up and downs, Bitter has a friend in this type of relationship its not stable she just copes with it, Mark has this type of relationship and he copes with it, if she ever did come back this is what you would have to think about, is this what you want!
We all want them back…. sometimes I feel I would just love one more weekend… but we will never have a lifetime of happiness, I would probably get 10 years max with my man, he used to say it would only be 5 years, he doesnt see a future because he doesnt believe he will be here, he self medicates with alcohol, he smokes roll ups (no filter) and his family have a history of heart attacks in their late 40’s and he only has half a stomach which is due to be operated on again….so he already sees no future!
And Bitter is so right and she said exactly what I have been saying, they dont plan these situations, it is what happens to them because there are out of control, they dont do what they do because its fun and they set out to destroy as many people as they can, they have no logic in what they do …..
THEY ARE WHOEVER THEY ARE ON WHATEVER DAY IT IS…..
This is a paragraph that is taken from a diary of a Bipolar person, I think it emphasizes how they feel, how they love and hate at the same time:
“I know that if I ask my mother to ensure I take my medication, she will, and as a bonus will bring me breakfast and dinner too. But I know it will be an enormous irritant to me, that it will seem to me that she is imposing on my independence and my life. I am going to have to tell my mum that I want her to help me but that I will be annoyed every morning and every afternoon when she appears.
I hope she can deal with the combination of my need for her and the anger that I will show her.”
The last two lines sums it up for me……
Yes its there need for independence that is the killer. Because all this indepedence they talk about is there need to do only what they please. And its a long long list. And if you try to help they see you as controlling. They are not children where you can just tell them you can’t do this or that because if you do they will run. And although we have all been hurt by this running away bull shit maybe its for the best? Today I want nothing to do with them. I am so sick of the lies and the games people play both bipolar and non bipolar that I feel like just giving up. Maybe from the first day I met her my luck went to shit. This entire situation sucks. I’m going back to bed I don’t even feel like doing anything today. Is the whole world crazy or is it me. I don’t know and right now I don’t care.
There are a lot of crazy people out there lost and I have always thought ” the people with Bipolar cant help it” but what excuse do the NORMAL people have……
Cmon folks, you gotta have more faith in humanity. If you’re going to spend time with an unmedicated, no therapy BP you are in for a ride. So we gotta deal with it. If we are not, lets have some more faith and self worth and go find someone else.
Any tips or ideas on that mark? Iv tryed it all and my next step will be back to self meds if I’m not careful. Its an easy cop out but maybe it will help.
Wish what is normal and where do I find it really fast?
Ha ha Lost….I havent a clue, have you heard my life story?? 😉
You gotta get out there and meet people. I know we all have bad days, whatever brain levels are down, weathers dreary, works a pain, familys a headache. You have to be more aware of the triggers in your own life. I self medicate on a bad day, so I’m no poster boy for too much.
Decide you aint going to take it no more, come up with a plan and go do it, dont take NO for answer. No is just another hurdle to push aside. You’re worth it, I’m worth it.
Mark/ I hear what your saying and I know all the advice I give out I have used myself. Sometimes it just don’t work. I am starting to feel that my biggest trigger is going out. I went out last night to a pub packed with people a fair share of them woman. I felt completly alone. I was supposed to meet up with three woman. Not one showed up. I was blocks away from bpgirls home I didn’t go near it. I need a plan but cannot think of one. And today again I miss every woman I ever loved. How does a person just remove you from memory? And I don’t mean a bipolar person I mean what they call a reg normal person? Is this a trait most woman have or do there material needs come before there emotional needs? So if the material needs are not met they can leave before the emotional needs are there? Should I date woman I don’t care about? Or should I just forget about all these people? I know so many questions I got to slow it down.
Lost my material needs would never come first, I am done with material needs, whilst I have no wish to live in a tent all I want is a man who loves me, for me…not what he thinks I can give him….
….emotional needs yes, if its a bad thing I am sorry but at the moment yes, emotional needs are definitely needed!
I think we are all looking for the perfect love. It’s a high goal, some of us are just looking not to be alone. These are the times to self reflect as well as difficult as that maybe. I’m an enabler with codependency tendancies so I’m looking for someone to take care for lack of a better analogy. But, I’m working on that trait. I’ve gotten away from the fairy tale love story however after my 20 yr heartbeat stopped. Now, well, I’m still trying to figure that out and not get beat up.
I am not looking for the perfect love Mark but I am looking for someone I really, really fancy, maybe shallow, maybe narrow minded, maybe wrong…..but I have made two very bad mistakes in being with two different men who I didnt fancy…..so I am guessing if he makes my heart beat faster and my stomach fill with butterflies and my knees turn to jelly, thats as good as “fairy tale” for me!! 😉
Emotional needs are good wish. Its what I am looking for. Someone to fill the emotional void and me to fill thers also and when these needs are met I think I’ll be happy. Until then umm not good.
Wish I think you just described the symptoms of snake bite lololol 😉
OMG…..that explains it….I thought it was Bipolar and it was snake bite??
I’ll snap and take some good old fashion Physical, after that I’ll tell how you emotionally “complete me”. Kidding, just kidding.
Oh sweet Lord, new realms of pleasure….lol
Bitten by a snake or bitten by a bipolar. What’s the difference? Left untreated both will kill ya lmfao.
You get bitten by a snake, I’ll suck da poison out. You get bitten by a BP, I aint suckin nothing. lol
I never ever thought I’d say this. But physical without emotions does nothing for me. Another reason I let the last non bp gf go. I was not convinced she really gave a shit about me. Mark you are too funny.
Ooooh your growing old Lost…..
Trouble is, physical with a Bipolar and you have a whole truck load of emotions…..;-)
Mark depends who and where they are bitten lol.
And wish I fell for bipolar girl before we got physical she didn’t let me in right away lol.but once she did it was all the time 😉 .
Did you ever feel like that was all you had?
See this could be a good line for debate, Bipolars are supposed to be very sexual which could work quite well when the man is not the BP….but when its the other way around it is very hard to differentiate when he wants you or just wants sex?
Yes wish. During the last week we were together she started to make nasty little comments. And one of them was we come from two different worlds the only thing we have in common is hot sex. I asked are you going to leave me again? She said no. She said I am exactly what she wants. The next day I was told she would throw me out of the house when I turn 60. A few days later she was gone.
I have never had nasty comments when were were together and really only ever has one/two nasty comments at all but he did make lots of sexual comments, I used to say I feel that sex is all he wanted but he would say its the only way he knew to show love, I have since read a lot of men show love this way even if not BP…..especially men who didnt receive enough love/cuddles when children?
Yeeeea, I was unloved as a child and I’m ADHD. Can we skip desert?, the foreplay? and get right to the nookie? What was your name again good looking?
Hmmm I don’t know about them being unable to show love without sex? Mine was very loving when in her nice mood telling me the sweetest things iv ever heard. She wouldn’t let me in her pants the first few times I tryed. But she told me she was about to give in when I stopped. She also did not need any drink or smoke to have a great time with me. We talked a lot. We talked about beautiful things. Each step forward she would ask me if I am freaked out by her love of me. Ofcourse I would say no because it didn’t. I loved to hear her tell me she loves me and I am all she ever needs. That’s why I hurt so bad. Yes I miss her everyday. It was not so bad when I started to fall in love again with the other woman I met a few months back. But when things went bad all the feelings came rushing back to me. And I haven’t been the same since. I think that is why I am searching so hard to find the love I have lost. My kids are here with me tonight and I feel better. But when I have to take them home tonight I will feel sad again. Up and down and around and around I go all the time.
I too heard the sweetest things, things I dont think I will ever forget!
He also liked to talk, talking was part of the whole lovemaking thing for him, he liked to get close and I sometimes think this was the only time he could get close, the only time he felt safe to say what he wanted to say!!
We are all spinning…..
Mark you dog lol. Not me brother I need the full 150% loving kissing holding hands chasing her around the house. I need it all. Tell me your sweet dreams and desires and I’m hooked! No hookers for me it would be an insult and those moans better be real too lol. Maybe I haven’t been beaten down enough lol.
Ohh and you can bring on the scented candles and some nice music too 😉
Damn I may have loved the bitch to death lmfao. Poor thing.
Lost…..you are a true romantic….
See it was YOUR fault she left. lol. Scented candles, plz. Don’t we have something thats needs inflated?? lol
Now that would be a good thread. what’s the stupidiest thing you’ve done to get nookie from a BP? Or what do you consider your best move to get nookie from a BP? I’m laughing already.
Go on then Mark, start the thread….we are all listening….lol??
Lol I don’t need nothing inflated! I don’t do love dolls. Only the real deal:) hmmm she liked wine and scented candles that’s all she needed. She sent me text once that she was pleasuring herself just from the thought of me. Mmmmmm where the hell is she now lol
Just a text…… lost? 😉
And a few picture text to go along with it 🙂 that’s why I have such a hard time dealing with it. And the thought of someone else being with her really pisses me off. Disgusting filthy pig guy. How could they doit?
I suspected as much…..you have a hard time dealing with it but it wouldnt mean much to her!
How could who do what?
How could she let another guy touch her? No guilt at all?
LOST …she may not have another guy !!
..have u seen evidence, if as you say she loved all the loving that you were giving her ..she isnt going to able to replace that passion anywhere is she.
She may have tried but it isnt that easy…I wouldnt be at all surprised if her son makes sure of that , once a kid has that sort of power …noone is ever going to be good enough .
Regards Bitter / babe
Well, with terri for 4 years, I got it ALL…everything. Only drawback was she couldn’t do tasks well (cleaning, laundry, etc)
That got old, but I dealt with it as best I could.
Tonight, After Sophie and I went all over the place today, while driving home after…Sophie fell asleep in the car around 4: 30 to 5. I took her in after getting home, and put her on the couch so she could sleep…she woke up about 20 minutes later and was IRATE as all hell. I tried everything, but nothing calmed her down. She kept saying MAMMMMMA…crying, so after nothing worked…I gave in to call Terri. Wow.
Her sister Shelly answered and when I asked if I could talk with terri, she said Terri was not home and when I asked where she was, she would not tell me. Gave me nothing as far as when she would be home, etc. I said, well…Sophie is going crazy and I need to talk to Terri.She said hold on. After 30 secs to a minute go by, terri gets on the phone (nice, now I am being screened out). I told Terri what was going on…terri said maybe sophie isn’t ready for a month here with me. I said…terri NO. It’s because she wants her Mom and Dad back together. This is what I was telling you about…this is traumatizing the kids. She said…what do you want me to do about it. I said, well…move back to Aiken might be a good start and give these kids their Mom and Dad. She said… I have a job up here and I am NOT getting back together with you. I have a boy friend and where would we live there? With you??/ RIGHHHHHT. I said, you need to think about what this is doing to our kids…everything can g can be worked out-whatever problems there are-there are solutions to any problem…she muct have had Crusty nearby cuz all I heard was that boy saying…Muther Fucker better leave my something something alone? or whatever…Cussing to no end. Terri got upset that I even SUGGESTED this. She said NOTHING to indicate that she wants ANYTHING to do with WHATSOEVER ever again. I get the impression that I am the bad guy up there and they probably talk crap about me all the time.
I said terri, think about what I am saying here….the kids need their parents. She scoffed and I said Please…just think about it. She said think about what? I said…what I just talked to you about…with a bad attitude, she said alright.
She also wants me to perhaps give her gas money so she (and Dusty??) can come down and spend thanksgiving with Sophie for a day??? She said she isn’t working and the phone can no longer call long distance, told me that her car is falling apart, and that she has a back problem and that she has NO money.
She sounded like she REALLY is NOT into me whatsoever anymore at ALL. I got the feeling she hates me, but tolerates me basically.
I am thinking she isn’t coming close to crashing yet…
What do you people think?
Oh, her friend Katie called me today saying she called terri and got put on hold yesterday for 10 minutes by some girl…(her sister Shelly?) I get the feeling that anyone that really knows terri is sick is being screened out….so terri will not have any chance to talk with reality or sense…
Very tragic and sad this situation is. I am bummed.
Bitterbabe/Raan
I have no idea except for the complete lock down she has done on fbook. Like raans woman I think she wanted a younger guy? The thing about throwing me out @ age 60. Or the two diffrent worlds comment? I have no idea what or who she will find or found. I also know they will sooner or later get the same treatment I got. Except maybe diffrent remarks will be made or maybe none at all. All I know is she tryed for over a week to trap me into some kind of fight. They do not give up being a asshole very easy. That’s when the lies and bull shit stories come out. Raan its that coldness that made me finally stop trying. The as a matter of factness in the way she spoke to me hurt beyond belief. Like I.was worth nothing at all to her. So smart yet so dumb they are.
So true. I get the impression i mean or meant NOTHING whatsoever to this once-wonderful woman. She acts like I am CRAZY for trying to straighten this mess out she created.
COLD, heartless, and UNLOVING. NO remorse, NO empathy…
It’s like I NEVER ever meant ANYTHING to her.
I can’t believe that they treat their loved ones this way.
Why in the world do they treat the ones that care so much for them this way is beyond me! If I meant nothing to her normally, then she wouldn’t be treating me so shitty…isn’t that what someone said recently?
She must REALLY love me deep down to treat me with such disrespect, lack of care, kindness, nor compassion, eh?
Isn’t this a reverse disorder? They do things backwards when off in brain chemistry? Instead of love you…they hate you?
Instead of wanting to be with you, they push you away completely? Instead of doing (in my case) the kids right, they treat them wrong? Instead of caring, they care less (careless?)
What a totally F’ed up illness.
How long before this woman crashes and realizes what she has done???
Raan
Who knows how long or in what part of the deck we end up in? I’m trying to sleep but can’t again tonight. I get up @445am and all I’m thinking about are my shitty relationships the could have would have and should have. When I think about it the last two woman bipolar and the other one would get text messeges where they would look and smirk and just close there phones like it was nobody. And everytime I asked who it is texting they say its there kid. Well don’t they ever text back there kids? I bet it was some poor sucker like us writing them asking how are you. I will write my xbp a text for christmas. Not sure if I will sign it. I want to see if I am still in her phone book or been erased. If I’m erased she may ask who is this? If I’m still in it my name will come up. If she ask who is this I am done for good. And at this point I may just say I can be a friend but nothing more. As a friend she has no reason to push me away I don’t think? But why not try and see. Sort of a freaky experiment? Hmm turn the feelings into buisness. That may help. She’s now a little white mouse in a giant labratory lol. or iv gone nuts completly? Oh well. Christmas is good time to be nice so I’ll see. I hope by then I have something else going on in my life. Finding a good honest reliable woman is harder then I thought. I may have to lower the bar. Not sure if I said so or not but the last wench I was with ended up picking up some dude at a football game supposedly. She has already moved in with this guy. Guess I’m not her best friend and soul mate anymore? Lmfao what a bunch of bull shit.
LOST…I was deleted last time we broke up….not this time, not yet anyway! I received that text that said “sorry who is this” It hurts……
RAAN….I dont know what to say apart from I think for your own peace of mind and Sophies happiness you need to stop calling her, I know its hard specially having to cope with Sophie alone but you are just getting more upset each time she does this to you, so you need to take time out and stay away from her?
I have a similar thing going on at the moment, I cant get through to my Ex either and every time I call I get NOTHING much in return, not abuse like you have but NOTHING and that hurts too because it feels like I was NOTHING?
So for now I am stepping back again to let him think because really if he cant think or remember me do I really have ANYTHING?
RAAN
send u a pm .
I feel so lost and alone I wish I was dead. Why do I need to depend on other people to make me feel good? I think maybe its me thatr pushed everyone away. I need help. I’m not right anymore and everything I do is wrong god help me I hate myself so fucking much I hate my job I hate my life
Lost u r depressed , u need to get that iron tonic
Stop looking for happiness in others , find what makes you happy and the rest will just fall into place
believe me I have been where u r , it is a bad place ..u will find happiness Lost ..this is just a bad stage u r going thru ..we all have them …think of good things that make you happy …think of yourself doing those good things u r a great person a feeling person not many of them left especially in the male species ( on offence ) bring people into your life that care about you , there has to be a few …
PM me if u want
regards Bitter
Lost, yea its a depression cycle, marbles not bouncing at proper levels. Do your best to hang in there, rest, eat right, watch the stress triggers. The self worth is one of the things we all gotta work on, I think once your more concious of how much it affects your life and work on it the better you’ll be. You let a BP get hold of that doubt they’ll eat you for a quick snack.
weather here is depressing as heck today, cold miserable, my nips are so cold, think they’re developing frost bite. Hoepfully i can find a BP to pock em in the eye with and cheer me up.
bit more richard skerritt
This Excerpt:
I’m In Love – How Do I Change It?
For many who have broken away from an abusive relationship, strong feelings of being in-love constantly pull us back toward the abyss. Breaking away from these feelings is essential if we are to find safety. This issue is so important to so many people that it became the subject of my second book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not!.
My offering really has three parts: Tears & Healing is about you; what you need; and your decisions. Meaning from Madness is about your disordered partner and explains the motivation for all the crazy behavior. In Love and Loving It – Or Not! is the third piece, dealing with the attraction that drew you to your partner, and how to turn that force into successful relationships. Get all three together in the triple pack and save. Add T&H Reflections in the Relationship Pack. My favorite book is The Way of Respect. Based on the ancient Chinese Tao te Ching, it offers an intriguing and artful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles. There is also the Richard Skerritt Package. that includes The Way of Respect. Plus I offer the two disorder packages: the sociopath pack and the Borderline Pack which combine my books a book by a recommended author.]
I’m In Love – How Do I Change It?
OK, you’re in love. And you’re reading a book about healing from abusive relationships, so it’s a pretty good guess that you’re not here to celebrate. You are probably hurting big time.
Let’s try to get at what is happening. Again, the models I found helpful are Peck’s and Hendrix’s. Both agree that “falling in love” is essentially an insane state. Since intimate relationships are scary, and since they take a lot of work to get started, we might never find our way into them without help. So nature assists by genetically programming us to fall in love as a way to hook us into a permanent relationship.
The problem is that insanity is insane. Being in love compromises our ability to control our own lives. Our ego boundaries are compromised, and we don’t feel whole in and of ourselves. And our reasoning about our lover is short circuited with blatant idealizations.
To deal with the “what do I do while I’m in love?” side, you need to look a little deeper. Remember that falling in love is a vehicle to get our emotional needs met. It’s a means to fill in the incomplete parts of ourselves. So if you want to get unstuck from being in love with your BP, then you are going to have to find a way to meet your needs without him or her. Or better yet, through yourself.
Chances are, no matter what you do, the intense emotions will not pass quickly. However, there are some things you can do that will expedite the process.
First of all, you can start working on developing those unrealized parts of yourself. If you can develop the puzzle piece and put it into place, your unconscious mind won’t need to go out fishing for it in your lover. You’ll become happier and more complete in and of yourself, and you’ll reduce the in-love drive to meet the need through another.
Second, you can take advantage of the mechanism your unconscious used to get you in love in the first place. Your unconscious was essentially shopping for someone to fall in love with. Remember the image – the pattern for who you will fall in love with? That’s the shopping list. Well, your unconscious has bought model A. And that’s who you’re in love with.
But Hendrix teaches us that the imago is a vague pattern, having blurred, general features. There are thousands of people who match our patterns. So if we can do some conscious shopping, our unconscious is going to be coming along on those trips. And it’s very possible, especially if we’re not seeing the object of our in-love feelings any more, that our unconscious might decide that model B looks pretty good, too.
So, while it may feel totally empty and false to you, by exposing yourself to others, you enable your unconscious mechanisms to work – the same mechanisms that got you in love with the person you’re in love with now. That mechanism might just up and change your feelings around to point toward somebody else. And if you’re reading this, that somebody, chances are, couldn’t be much worse than what you’ve got, and they might be a darned sight better.
But you have to be around other people for that to work. So getting around other people is critical to moving on. Your unconscious isn’t too swift, and especially if it’s already hooked on someone, it might take a lot of exposure to capture its attention. But being around people is good for us anyway, so this remedy can’t possibly hurt, even if it’s not entirely successful.
Now, I have a third idea. Falling in love drives us toward potential physical relationships. This drive is an essential piece of what makes this go. So falling in love is, in part, a way to get this. Well, if you don’t like the way you’re being driven by your unconscious, you might try getting some with your conscious. Again, by proactively meeting your own needs, you reduce the drive toward falling you into love that your unconscious has. And this fits in just great with the last remedy of being around people. If you’re gonna be around people, you might as well enjoy it.
It won’t be fast, and not likely easy, either. But working on your undeveloped self, exposing yourself to many others, and meeting your sexual needs by chosen relationships can all help to extricate you from the clutches of your unconscious who has fallen you into love with someone who is bad for you.
Thank you michelle 🙂
And don’t forget this can also be used on non polar assholes too! Umm people suck!
Ohhh…..not all of us Lost…not all of us!! 🙂
That’s true. Ty for reminding me. Because everyone on this thread are *AWES0ME* and I luv each and every one of ya! You too mark lol ha..
This must be the shuffling madness 😉
bit more richard skerrit ….
The Shadow of Death
I wrote the following when I was still living with my wife:
Well, I have a couple of hours alone at home. And I have company.
No, it’s not a person. It’s not a pet. It’s not even invited.
It’s the shadow of death. And everyone knows that if you follow a shadow along the ground in the direction of the sun, you’ll find what’s casting that shadow. And this one is cast by a petite little 100 lb. NEC wife.
Early in this saga, I read about the “old brain” or “reptile brain,” a part of our brain rooted in the distant past, before humans were even human. It’s a simple brain, which doesn’t even really think. It just reacts to patterns. And like any good BP, it reacts in black and white. Things are unknown; or they’re the source of life and goodness; or they’re death approaching. Most of our primitive fear responses come from the old brain. So does falling in love, something that has influenced most of our lives.
When the old brain detects a pattern that matches death, it gives us an overpowering need to flee. And if we fight that urge, using our conscious thought, it still affects us. Our bodies react like a car with an automatic transmission, the brake pressed to the floor, and the gas halfway down: screaming, burning, begging for something to give. And we get high blood pressure, stress related pain, depression, and all that stuff that all of us have.
I live with the specter of death. Long, long ago, my old brain connected my wife with pain and death. And I live in fear all the time. Not that I can’t function, but I’m in fear anyway. And it has made me sick, and is still making me sick.
And what really bothers me is being by myself at home. Because I cannot relax. I cannot lower the defenses against death—because death might walk in at any moment. And I hate it.
I escaped this specter once: when my wife was in inpatient rehab last summer, 30 miles away, with no car and no money. And my specter left. I liked it. I liked it a lot.
When I read Peck (The Road Less Traveled, p 165) much of this came together for me. It forced me to realize that it was NEVER going to get better and that my wife will always be the shadow of death to me. And I decided that I would succumb to that specter if I didn’t free myself from it.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. But my friends, this can only last for so long. Eventually one must simply decide to find a safer place to walk.
Went out with a new woman again tonight. She was nice on the phone said she liked my picture and my voice. Met her and things started out pretty decent she was good looking with curves. She asked me why I got divorced and I told her its something I don’t like to talk much about but I told her anyway. I said I am divorced because my wife cheated on me. She asked why I don’t like to talk about it and I told her because it hurts me and makes me feel like its something that I should not tell a new date. Again she asked why? I said cause being a man and telling a new woman friend I was cheated on makes me feel like maybe I was not good enough? She unloaded on me that it is a mans thing? What about how a womans feelings? Then she said really loud so all could hear(you were cheated on?) Outside the bar she put out her hand. Nice to have met you. I said this is it? She said I don’t want to wast yours or my time. Am I wrong to say she sucks! Judged and jury me in one half hour? Wtf? I am so sick of meeting assholes. This is bull shit! This bitch judged me as a male chauvinist? Am I missing something? Wtf kinda people are out there?
Lost …I Know I know I know AND I dont want to fuking know who they are ….this is why i dont allow myself to even get to these topics with men if i start to get cross examination I go to the toilet real fast
I was watching a band the other night and this guy came up to me , I was just minding my own business enjoying the live music , when he asked me if I lived locally I said yes ..he then asked me another question but i couldnt hear what he was saying so i put my hand out to tell him my name & he then said to me i was a stuck up biatch who thought i was so good …I said pardon am not really sure what you are saying ..he said you have had so much botox u cant even smile , I almost choked on his rudeness I said ‘Whatever mate ” have never had botox then he wanted to argue with me …I turned around to walk away & he started yelling at me stuff like ‘ whats the matter princess cant you take the thruth ” think your so good dont you ..am thinking to myself I wish ‘
scrapped my self esteem up off the floor & left thinking where is my oldest son when i need him ..he is a black belt juditsu ( spell ) & would have knocked that blocks teeth out for how he spoke to me ..this is coming from a complete stranger who I didnt even ask to talk to ..
so I know what you mean when you say assholes
Love bitterfreakedout today
Lost, you didnt do anything wrong, some people ask questions then dont listen to the answer, some people make their mind up about you before knowing you, maybe you were not the one for her, I am a big believer in chemistry between two people but if she thought that you were not right for her she shouldnt have asked such a personal question.
I never ask about failures in a past relationship until I am serious about getting to know a potential partner this was a first date, non of her business what went wrong with your wife!!
Dating does not seem to be what it should be any more, every one seems to be out there to get something out of someone? I go on dates to meet people, I dont care where we go, I just go to maybe meet some one who could be special or some one who could be a friend, if we are not compatible then I walk away, no insults, no put downs just see the night through and walk away hoping we both had a reasonable time!!
I have met some awful men, rude, bad manners, cocky attitude, possessive….but I carry on…..two weeks ago I had a second date with a nice man, took me to a lovely restaurant (I offered to pay half he refused point blank!) he said lots of lovely things, he said he had a wonderful evening, he said he would love to see more of me, we went back to his house, we had coffee and continued chatting, he then decided to try it on, telling me the usually things, he had thought about me all week since our last date, we were very compatible ect……I told him I agreed, I had a lovely evening in his company but I wouldnt sleep with him until I knew him as a person, he said ok and we continued talking, I left about an hour later he said I will call you tomorrow, he text me when I arrived home said thank you for an excellent evening, he didnt text the next day so I did, he replied with a short text, I replied back then …….nothing and twos weeks later still NOTHING??
There are lots of strange people out there Lost and it takes a while to get the hang of this dating game….I no longer have any expectations of any one, I dont expect anything and then when I get NOTHING I am not disappointed!!
The son of a bitch bastard. If I was there wish I would have broken his neck. I am so sorry scum like that exist and are called male. I met the counter part to the bag of human wast you had the misfortune to run into. I hope you did not get to close to this thing. A good hot shower should wash away the stink that asshole may have left. Bitterbabe I apologize for the act of a fool.
Bittersweetbabe/
You are a fiesty babe and I like it 🙂
Don’t talk that way anymore or I will be forced to love you. Then you will really be in trouble Just ask my xbpbabe 😉 you better be careful we been known to almost love people to death. Good thing these bi polars are fast runners!
I still think the key to helping and maybe in the future stopping or preventing bipolar and depression is barometrick pressure. If the ports where chemicals pass through are square instead of round causing brain chemicals to seep uncontrolled into a persons brain triggering manic episodes and the distance of the moon and the sun can cause seas to rise and fall and change readings on a barometrick gauge then why wouldn’t it put more or less pressure on the liquid parts of a persons brain? Pressure that opens or closes these ports? But if they won’t take there meds then how could I force bp person into a barometrick chamber or suit? Lmao. Another challenge to deal with.
I had many phone calls with terri today. I noticed a difference in tone and niceness. odd. I asked if Disty was not there and she said why….I asked if he was gone and she said how did you know? I said the way you talk to me is MUCH nicer when he isn’t around.
She wanted me to send her money for gas today and “sneak” away from Crispy for a day because she isn’t working this week, and she wanted to “celebrate” Thanksgiving here as a Family for a day. I shy’d away from the idea, but it did intrigue me. I said, maybe next week…doubt it will actually happen. She said she couldn’t pull it off as easy next week because she had to work and I guess he isn’t around much today? Sneak in a visit here….right.
Amazing…she sounded SO lucid today. She even mentioned that she broke up with me because she grew out of love for me – said I was too old , and that the age thing was starting to get to her as well as certain things about me that were starting to bug her. She said we just grew apart. I was shocked as she seemed SO convincing and honest, but I am wondering if this is just another BIPOLAR thing….a moment of lucidness…
I asked why she never used the terms”I am unhappy” she said she thought she had, but maybe not. She did say that when things bugged her, I didn’t always do something about these things and that I was too hard on her about cleaning, laundry, etc. She said her house is clean now, and that her dishes are always done…I said why didn’t you do them when we were together more often than a month sometimes (often) between dishes being done and she said there was too much stuff here and she felt overwhelmed…and she never felt like it was her place…wow, I said…
There is more but that’s enough for now…
Is it possible that she is just plain and simple burnt on me and just moved on? I think she has and is still on an episode, but she seemed SO LUCID today…
Still doesn’t want to ever try again I guess and I didn’t ask her to come back, but did say that it is such a shame that the kids are really paying the price for her lack of loyalty towards a family and that had I known she was truly unhappy, I would have done something about it. In fact, WHY did you tell me how wonderful I am, that you were so in love with me, and that you were so happy if not? she said i AM wonderful…just that she isn’t IN love with me but will always love me….
bunch of crap I say.
I think that she just wanted me to put new tires on her car so she could come down and get a free meal, get some different dick, and go home all fat and sassy…parden the expression.
Hmmmph.
Raan its very hard to say this and I have thought long and hard before saying it but you seem stronger and more held together now, so here goes…..the lady is obviously mentally ill but I really do think she has her faculties together when talking to you on certain occasions and I am afraid I do think she is using you, she says what she wants to say every time, she doesnt seem too concerned about what you want and it all centres around MONEY, she calls when she wants food, gas, items, MONEY!!
Yes she needs money for looking after your daughter and a little for herself for doing the job of looking after your daughter but at the moment you are looking after your daughter so she has no need to ask you for anything apart from how is Sophies welfare?
So sorry Raan but you need to pull back here, either she wants you for you or not at all??
what is fucking WRONG with all of the people out there we are meeting folks? i am sorry that you two were given such crap. You both are good people….it amazes me that humans are so frickin fucked up…many of them out there.
keep the faith folks…I hardly have any if at all left, but I am trying.
I wonder if terri even has biploar at all and maybe she’s just a cold hearted bitch is all.
raan
I have thought about terri
you need to perservere with her now ..she has told u why she doesnt think she loves u because of age etc
does terri actually remember how well u got on as a family ..is this shallow attempt at freedom a disguise for some adventure to wonderland that doesnt exist
you were more than just a few years apart ..you shared trust, loyalty a family network together does this just mean now that she does nto acknowledge that u two shared laughs & good times outings as a family or is the washing up all she can focus on ..WTF she wanted her own place she had her own kingdom a nice home to share with you as provider , she cannot replace that in a hurry she may try but she wont find the elusive dream she is searching for …perhaps u should remind her that u are quite happy to OBSERVE as she tries in vain to find what she already had ..she may keep listening & convincing her short time imaginery friends that she is her own Gal but i see her wilting before too long into a dried arrangement with no funds no choices tired & worn …it will make the mound of washing up look like a walk up start..Naaa I wouldnt worry to much about what she is saying now wait till the kids go through a starvation Xmas & into next year without comforts …the kids will remind her of how much they miss Raan , Dont give up yet my friend, just keep working bring in the money & set yourself up so that you are always a constant reminder to her of what she let go of for a bit of so called freedom and a few dirty dishes
Regards Bitter
Raan there are lots of people out there that are just plane old fashion mean. This bitch seemed to enjoy putting me down. I was not ready for the shit she pulled on me at all. You think hey I’m going out to meet this person who is really pushing herself to meet me its going to be nice fun etc. You shower up change into nice clothes etc and the next thing you know you are under attack. The only thing positive to come out of this was I didn’t freez up and keep quit. When she announced to the entire bar that I’d been dumped and cheated on I froze up a little but then tryed to explain my way out of it. When she stuck her claw out to shake my hand good by instead of getting the usual hug I knew this beast was blowing me off and I told her so this is it? Its done? she looked a little nervus I had walked outside with her. Her plan was to leave me sitting at the bar. It didn’t work. On my way home I sent her this text:U pre judged me. And it was a really shitty way to be towards me. U asked how I feel being cheated on and when I told u. U put your feelings above mine. u suck. I received no reply so I think she got the point 🙂 raan your a good man. Turns out you are much stronger then most if not all of us here. You handle yourself the way I wish I could. But I’m learning. In the past this beast would have silanced me with shame and been able to get up walk away and leave me sitting there hurt. It still hurt but I atleast stood up for myself. This bitch was clearly on a mission talking to me about thousend doller dinners lol. Maybe I can’t afford to spend a grand on dinner or maybe just maybe I am not that stupid. Either way I don’t feel that she walked away the winner I feel better now that I think back on it. But who knows maybe you are right maybe terry is turned just mean? Bitterbabe or wish or michelle told me to look up:is my wife bipolar or just a bitch? I didn’t find a blog from word press but I did find lots of stories of just good old fashion nasty assholes lol. It helped. Hang in there buddy you are doing pretty damn good! 🙂
Raan/Lost it was me, the blog is on here ” is my wife Bipolar or just a bitch” put it into the search engine at the top, it is excellent better than the other stuff, its a good thread…..just like this one!!
roflmao, Oh man, you gotta read that “is my wife bipolar or just a bitch thread”, I haven’t laughed soo much in 15 minutes in my whole life and I’m only just into the thread. Did we all marry the same crazy, fucking berserk, mind blowing bitch? one guy would take the devil and kick his wife to the curb, wow does the ring change em?
Thanks wish I thought it was you but wasn’t sure. Its early morning here and my brain still needs towake up 🙂 I will try to look at work today but my job is clamping down on internet usage. I. May have to wait until I get home to have another look I hope we all have great day today.
Yes Lost, I hope you too have a great day today and something nice happens!!
If you cant find it, the date was the 14th of Febuary…..very apt?? 😉
Raan. I’m not sure but does lucid mean un careing? Or matter of factly? Was her voice steady and without emotion? If so that is the start or end of the manic I think. I say I think because I was never sure about whether or not she was with me during manic. But I’d say she is coming down now. How low she goes you can only wait and see. If she goes into a bipolar depression crusty rusty will get kicked to to curb soon. Maybe that’s why she is already planning to come visit you. To get away from him? Not sure but have a great day k
LUCID:
–adjective
1.
easily understood; completely intelligible or comprehensible: a lucid explanation.
2.
characterized by clear perception or understanding; rational or sane: a lucid moment in his madness.
3.
shining or bright.
4.
clear; pellucid; transparent.
I meant she sounded like she was “normal” and sane…
thanks for the replies. My perception of all of this is that she DOES have a Bipolar issue, but I fear that she left me with all of her faculties working normal…In other words, she just got plain old TIRED of me…hard to imagine, but she convinced me she was unhappy and never let me know it. happens every day.
On the flip side, I think she is whacked out of her gord. Hard to know for sure, but I REALLY thought she was always happy as can be….
I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Raan,
I doubt she had it together when yunz guys split and it sounds like she knows she can’t have that “family” feeling with little boy blue. He’s just a distraction from reality. Holidays have a way of doing that – stirring “family” feelings. There is 3 children altogether right? but sophie is just yours?
Your story is almost identical to mine but my ride is over – my boy is 19 (yesterday) and we split when he was 16, I just couldn’t take it,no matter how hard I thought I could survive for a “family” to work.
Mark,
are you saying that she might try and get back with me in the near future?
day late and a dollar short!
Love that Raan……I feel like that at the moment, he is a dollar short and maybe just a day too late?
It is all getting to be just too much for me!
She might come back, they might all come back but as sure as the sun coming up tomorrow, they will all go again too!
Raan,
Not sure of the back together again, but she’s sure to try and be nice to get the money out of ya. One of the post I saw on the other thread said we should give em a taste of their own medicine. Now, this maybe extreme and it may not, it can be a sort of boudaries test, but its worth a shot. At least we can rant and rave and make no sense whatsover and then in the end say ‘I love you but I’m not IN love with you” All i know, you push the money button you got some control, use it to your advantage.
can you elaborate some more Mark??? You wrote:
‘I love you but I’m not IN love with you” All i know, you push the money button you got some control, use it to your advantage.
say what you wrote above to HER?
what about what you wrote next?
When I read you guys postings I can see you are better ajusted then me.I need to work on the self worth issue.I feel like I sunk into a big empty hole I need to come up with some ideas how to beat this thing. Wish or bitter said happyness should come from the inside out.its weird but its kinda difficult for me to really grasp the idea. I mean I know what she means but there aint nothing or no way to make that happen. Michelle I need your help again. If I need to rely on some woman to make me feel good I’m in big trouble. No offence to the ladies on here. But how can one person feel like shit over more then one woman? I’m startong to realise the reason they push us away. Its not the good reason or the happy reason I thought it was. But I think when they are manic they get the extra boost needed to find more mates?
Lost this post is slow but
Dont ever give up on the idea that u dont need a women to make u feel good …u r one special guy , there are not many men who love women but u r one of them
it is an amazing trait …..there are men then there are women hating men …u can pick them in an instant …they usually pick on the pretty ones cause thats where they think they can cause the most damage .
not really sure what u mean by more than one women make you feel like shit ..Bp’s really dont give a shit who they are with as long as its someone ..they are so wrapped up in themselves you are just a means to an end with them . you are a project until you are no longer needed, not all but most think like that . they try to dump you & run to greener pastures thinking it will be better then they discover it isnt so they try to come back sometimes it can take a while to admit they were wrong usually when the fantasy expires …then they target someone new ..but as they get older this doesnt occur as easily as what they wish , it becomes harder & harder to play the game , in the end they return because they realise , you are the only one that loves them enuff to tolerate their behaviour …so it really depends on wether you meet someone new yourself . If this happens then u dont want them anymore & they are dropped onto their ass..day late dollar short as you say Raan
Love bitter
My self worth is at rock bottom now….last night I tried my hardest again to get through to him, to help, to be there but he still pushed me away!
I will never come first with him, I will never get back the man I had, I cant keep doing this rejection thing, I have to let him go…..if I ever really had him in the first place?
Lost…. you dont need a woman to make you happy, you need the RIGHT woman to make you feel happiness to make you feel good…..yes!!
BUT the wrong one…..man or woman…..makes you feel BAD, as I do this morning…..
I dont want to continue my life feeling this way…..this ache inside, the hurt, my head spinning all the time, the pain when I feel rejected again…..
I AM GETTING OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER!!
Good people living in a bad world. Bi polar or no bipolar they both hurt when they unravel into lies deciet deception.it really sucks that there are people out there that build there own self worth by knocking other people down.
I know the only butterflys I feel are the ones that come when you feel like shit. I’m not much help to anyone these days but what ever I can do I’m here for you wish. I’ll keeps my rants and rage to a minemum so I don’t fuck up the rest of you guys.
Well I dont feel butterfly’s anymore and the only time my heart beats faster now is when I wonder whats coming next? Hes told me he wants to live in a cardboard box on the streets of London so he doesnt have to care…..I am not quite sure who it is he cares about??
I just feel a knot in the pit of my stomach, I havent even got my phone turned on because I dont want to hear the silence….
As someone once said on here, I only have so many petals…..he loves me, he loves me not….and yes today, his birthday, is a day too late!!
I think its time to stop worrying and wondering about these assholes. Iv stopped reading about bipolar people and how to deal with and make nice with them. Well its time to make nice with ourself now.its no longer intriges me how they can be so cold. Do they have feelings? Yeah but its all about themself.
TEN TIPS TO BOOST SELF ESTEEM
Posted: June 11th, 2007 | Author: Lyndon Antcliff | Filed under: Positive Thinking | 52 Comments »
1. Do what you love.
Everyone loves to do something, when you indulge yourself in your love you improve the way you feel about yourself. You improve your self esteem.
2. Help others out.
Nothing makes you feel a warm glow than when you unselfishly help others. of course you can argue that this in itself is selfish, but if you take that line of thought you must think that existence is selfish. Forget that. Just do a good deed, help someone out, doesn’t have to be big and it doesn’t have to cost any money.
3. Acknowledge your strengths
There is no one who has no strengths. Everyone is good at something, know what your good at and give yourself a pat on the back. Do things that bring this quality out into the open. Excercise it, make it stronger.
4. Don’t put up with crap.
There is no reason you should tolerate other people being mean to you. Even if they say they are doing it with love. Make sure people know they should be nice to you and if they refuse, walk away from them.
5. Drop your negative friends.
Hang out with people who are positive and support you. It may be fun to bitch and moan but if you hang out with these types of people you will eventually become one of them. You may have noticed that people who bitch and moan are never happy.
6. Do your research
A lof of self help books are a waste of time in the sense that the only person who can change you is you. Reading even this blog post will not change you unless you get emotionally involved with the information. Which is really hard as it’s really dry and boring. Go read biographies of people you respect, people who do positvive things and attain huge success. Learn from the master not the self help guru who is always in debt.
7. Learn to accept compliments.
It’s hard to accept a compliment and not to dismiss it as being ridiculous. Someone has an opinion and it should be respected, even if you do not argree with it. If people think good about you then maybe you should too.
8. Include positivity in your life.
I’m not talking an airy fairy chant in the mirror whilst naked. I mean take a positive slant on everything automatically. The meat pie you just bit in to may contain maggots, but maggots contain a lot of protien. OK that’s a bit extreme but you get the point.
9. Compare yourself against yourself.
If you look at how you were yesterday and how you are today and there is an improvement then that is great. If there is no improvement then you know you need to improve your efforts. Don’t start comparing your self to other people. Saying you are poor compared to D. Trump is just going to make you miserable.
10. There is no need for you to put yourself down.
y seeing yourself in a negative light you are only reinforcing your low self esteem. If you want to improve your self esteem. Ask yourself, how can I improve my self esteem. The answer will always be, find one positive thing about yourself and that will do it.
personally i think its all about positive thinking and getting rid of those demon voices in our heads that we keep telling ourselves…. like when we do something wrong, we beat ourselves up call ourselves names etc etc, just dont do it, be positve, hard i know cos i am still trying. think its all to do with being put down in childhood etc, we lose our self worth. positive positive THINKING!!!!
read rhonda byrnes book the secret…………. erm its not about self esteem but how to get things you want, quite interesting!!!!!! worth a look. anything is worth a try and it’ll pass a bit of time lol xxxxxx
Thank you michelle. Your such a doll 🙂
Hi Raan/Lost
I dont know if you found the other blog “is my wife bipolar or just a bitch” but here is a post from there that I have just read…..scary Raan??
I begged and begged my dad to take me out of the torturous hideous demonic home of which lived that evil monster, aka, known as “my mom.” i’m not talking about usual girly mom daughter fights. i’m talking about a diabolical beast that would hunt me out of my room and beat me, spitting , screaming in my face, and then run to my dad and say her daughter was so terrible, with lies upon lies each day. so he would mock me too. i couldn’t go out, i had to get straight “A’s,” i cleaned toilets like cinderella for the evil stepmom, i got locked in a garage for eating too slow, she never comforted me, nor held me. it took a year after age 18 to stop flinching if someone touched me. i still have anxiety. i have never had a soft place to fall, someone to call mommy. to this day, i can still hear her high pitched voice echoing, shreaking, just shreaking over and over. my brothers are now not normal because of her. i wanted to just die by the age of 17. i prayed god to take me away. GET THE FRICKING KIDS OUT AND STOP BEING SO SELFISH!!!!!
Not sure where you are at the moment Raan, hope you are coping and having fun times with Sophie? x
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/
This one is life skills for emotional health. i’ve done it, try it, like i said anything is worth a try.
http://www.simpleology.com/
this one is free to join for the first part, but even if you just pick up a few tips from it, its the simple science of getting what you want, i tried this but got a little bored with it to tell you the truth.
http://www.livinglifetothefull.com
havent tried this one yet but i will.
hope you are all well – will post soon, takes ages for the computer to load and post on this page. xxxxx
Wish what a terrible story mine is a different twist on it.
When my gf was in her good mood she treats the children wonderful. They go on expensive trips to beautiful places during the summer and winter.
Now here is the twist. When she starts to go into her depression state the kids pick right up on this if the mom has a bf like I was the kids start there acting up against me. It started once with the daughter complaining she don’t like me. Just days before all was great I took everyone out for dinner had fun ect. Now she is aiming toy guns at my face. The son now starts telling mom he don’t like me and screaming curses like a drunk sailor fuck fuck fuck. I show up at the house and punk brat kids starts screaming! Mom cannot take it anymore and snaps at me. I leave and am told the kids are scared of me lol. Little assholes are not scared at all but they know how to control mom at this point mom feels she must protect kids. I am now hated. After a month or so I used to be able to talk my way back in. The kids would avoid me or pretend nice again in front of mom. All until the next time. She would tell me her 2nd x husband hated the kids for no reason lol. She was clueless once changed back again. I’d try to tell her what went on and she would not listen to me. Like she forgot everything that happened? I know why the x hated those kids. Kids can be selfish mean and down right cruel! So not all kids of bipolar have it bad. Oh also after bringing everyone out my kids and her kids for a giant great big feast in a fancy restaurant her son bitched to her for giving me a hug in the parking lot when we left. Little son of a bitch monsters who do not care about there moms happiness or her feelings. I have also seen similar happen with my last non bipolar gf. You have to be a parent and not parent out of guilt! I read where 85% of the men in prison have been raised by single moms. Mothers don’t forget your place as head of the house! 12yr olds are NOT the man of the house! Get control and get a grip on yourself. Or you will raise disrespectful monsters who turn into rotten adults!
I suppose Lost, I am lucky, I am normal, so I have a firm grip on my house!!
I have two boys, one who is looking down on me and is about 3 stone heavier than me but he never disrespects me, but my head is clear, my mind works normally…..it must be very hard for Bipolar parents to cope but if this is the case I think the normal parent has to take over!
If your partner was physically disabled you would not leave a child in their care if they couldnt cope, I think it has to work the same even if you cant see the disability!
Wishing….NICE post there! Wow, and we all thought WE had problems!
How am I coping? Hmmmm. During the week and while working, I am doing better with each passing week. When the weekends hit and Sophie and I are all alone (no day-care) and out having as much fun as I can give us, it’s harder. In fact, I start missing the boys and Terri more so on these weekends…BADLY. I have to say, today…I was fairly depressed half of the day.
I am really glad Sophie is here, but bummed she goes back in two weeks. Dang.
terri’s Mom has colon cancer and it’s bad. Terri is depressed and starting to sleep a LOT! I mean…lots.
Funny thing is…I don’t see her feeling any remorse towards what she did regarding us, and I get the feeling that it’s EVERYTHING as a whole. She obviously never told me that she was unhappy, but I guess she was about certain things. I am sure being bipolar didn’t help either, but it seems to me that she isn’t very good at communicating…not at all.
I was expecting terri to feel some remorse/regret for breaking up with me when she hit depression, but this isn’t happening. Crispy crusty is still there, but he snaps at her on the phone when I call (she can’t call me now-no long distance…she is SO broke, it’s so sad)and a few calls back, she snapped right back at him. regarding edginess towards each other~They have been together for about 6-7 weeks now..sure isn’t sounding good long term at this point.
I suppose that Terri’s mom being reall real sick, terri probably isn’t thinking too much about me anyway, so I will try and be her friend…let her know I am here for her and that she can trust me….
let her open up if she will without Disty getting bent out of shape.I miss her and the kids pretty bad…it’s the Holidays. I wish we were all eating Turkey this Thursday TOGETHER.
Oh well. I told terri about all the fun that Sophie and I are having and I told terri I am doing GREAT with enthusiasm.
Oh well.
Raan
Your doing about as good as you possibly can at this point terry is not thinking much about anything or anyone else except for herself right now. It hard enough for her just to function on her own and with the boys and sick mom and getting herself to work. The depression is a horrible thing. May last up until january or longer. Like you said be there for support let her know she can trust you but go easy on her. I’m sure she has a billion thoughts going through her mind right now but its hard to cope with any of them. Dizty is prob wondering what’s going on and he is gonna find himself in a world of shit if he keeps adding pressure to her. Just keep doing like your doing and use the down time for yourself and your daughter. Bipolar really sucks at this point.
Hi Raan, I dont think you will get her to feel any remorse whilst she has someone else!!
Her relationship with lusty dusty confuses me, you say it has only been going for 7/8 weeks, why the hell he is living with her and her children, dictating who she can talk to and where she goes ( without him?)it is a mystery why he seems to have this hold on her?
Personally and from past experience I think she is being manipulated, bullied and controlled…..maybe wrong but something is not right?
You are right the best thing to do for her now is be her friend be there for her and getting her trust will be a massive thing for her, best thing you can do!
If things continue to be so bad for her, the depression, no money, her Mum is seriously ill, I think you really have to offer to take Sophie for much longer, maybe consider keeping her until Christmas and then to analysis the situation then?
I a way I admire her because I think she knows something is wrong, she knows she cant cope at the moment and to let her little girl go must have been very hard for her but to put Sophies best interests first deserves some praise!
Went out with a fat chick last night. sat listning to her troubles for over a hour.I got up and walked out the door. I can’t do this anymore. I need a break from all this shit. Finally over exhausted and slept the full night but still tired today. Feeling like nothing matters anymore. Is this the pay off for trying to be good? If so. I’d rather be bad.
Oh Lost……dont give up, we had this chat, you know and I know for every ten dates we have there will only be one good one but you have to keep trying because if you dont you wont find that one good one…..and you deserve it!
Thanks wish. I understand what you are saying.
Its so easy for me to go off the deep end. Sometimes I feel comfort in feeling miserable. Because when I feel bad my tough side comes out and I feel safe. Pretty screwed up way to be. Maybe part of the reason I screw up my relationships? I look for a person to return or give as much as they get and if I don’t find it I feel hurt and walk from it. I have such a long list of these people now that I do not even remember who half of them are. They mean nothing to be. Found some hope for divorced people with kids on here. Seems law suits are being filed against our crooked court system. I hope they burn in hell.
In what may be described as the most sweeping challenge to date upon our nation’s draconian child control laws surrounding Title IV-D of the Social Security Act, New York Civil Rights Advocate Leon R. Koziol, J.D. has filed a comprehensive test case in United States District Court in Albany, New York. Named in the action are judicial and law enforcement officials, including New York’s Chief Justice and Unified Court System. The lawsuit, served upon select parties this week, takes aim at “custody” and “child support” laws which alienate children from their parents as part of a government money generating scheme. A 39 page, 24 count civil complaint sets forth the manner in which lawyers and forensic agents feed off of manufactured controversies in domestic relations courts to harm parent-child relations and the financial stability of mainstream households. According to Koziol, it is a process which is harming the productivity of an entire nation. Amen
I talked with Terri today. Told her I am and always will be her best friend if not her lover any more. She can trust me and can count on me to be there and listen if she needs to talk…always. She thanked me. She told me that her mom is very very sick again and I think that she fears that her mom may die soon. I told her to give her Mom my best. Terri, Crispy and the kids(boys) are going to her Mom’s for Turkey day.
I have been feeling pretty down today. I have been thinking that perhaps terri was truly unhappy and never told me so…UNTIL I went online to some new Bipolar sites today.
Shoot, everyone on these blogs have had the EXACT same problems…I guess it really is the illness and nothing more. I have to quit buying into her reasons why she left. She’s sick, plain and simple.
I hope she comes home someday. I miss her. I really do. The boys too.
I guess I feel a LITTLE better knowing it’s not me.
This doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone and may never return…hard to swallow.
It is just the illness Raan, Bitterbabe and I have compared stories in great depth and our stories are identical in so many ways, our BP partners are a copy of each other!!
BUT WE ALL BLAME OURSELVES!!
It fucking sucks. Raan for what its worth. We are here for you my bro.
I hate bipolar with all my heart its born in hell.soul stealing fucking bullshit disease fucking blows.
I’m polishing my rings and going out tonight.
Always got my phone. My phone that I love so much lmfao 😉 ya
Oh YEAH..the all too important and omnipotent phone you are TOO attached to, eh???
he he he he
Interesting besides terri’s Family (2 males – mom’s Bf and bro)I am the ONLY man on terri’s facebook friends list.
Then you are quite lucky Raan…..because 2 days after telling me he didnt want/need or love me my BP had added two old tarts to his MSN as though I hadnt even existed!!
BUT he hasnt got what he wanted, physically yes maybe….but they wont get into his head like I have……
We blame ourselves because they say everything is our fault.
So, we buy into that. it’s the illness talking…hard to separate this from the real person we love and adore.
It’s no wonder when they episode out that we as committed partners get into a bad funk….we normally trust what they tell us…we trust they are honest with us…and when they say we did this or that and THAT is why they left…NO WONDER we get so traumatized.
I am SO depressed today. Terri called this afternoon and she is having a hard time too. She didn’t respond to we miss you when I said it and I asked…so, what’s up with you not being able to say anything back to that remark? She said, “Raan, we are not together any more and I don’t want to say anything that you complain later that I am leading you on”.
I said terri, I know it’s over and I’ve moved on. It won’t mean anything in reagards to “hope” that we are getting back together if you tell me you miss me, because I know you do. She said call me later and I DO miss both of you.
She said that even if we were together, she would be up there now because her Mom is so sick, so….I guess it’s just as well we are not together at this point….
It still REALLY really sucks though. I wonder what terri will do IF her Mom passes away…not that I want anything like this, but I think deep down that the real reason terri left is she can’ stand being away from her Mom. Her Step-Dad says that this is the real and only reason (besides being Bipolar) that terri bailed. She has a history of doing this in all of her past relationships. Hmmmm.
Honestly, I wish she would come home. I miss my Family something fierce. I know it’s best to probably never ever get back together with her, but I know in my heart that I love this woman like I’ve never loved someone.
AN IMPORTANT EVENT HAPPENED THIS EVENING FOLKS…
I called terri back as she requested this evening…I had to call several times, as she wasn’t home…but I thought there was a reason to talk…I was correct.
I asked how her Mom was doing first off…she said not oo good and that Her Mom was in a lot of pain. I told her to give her my best again. I asked how terri was doing and she said not too good either. I tld her how sorry i was that she felt so bad and that if there is anything I can – let me know.
So, I reluctantly told her this…
Terri…I told you today that I was doing okay, but I want to be honest as I always am, and I wasn’t going to tell you this, but…
I am pretty depressed. She said, WHY? You have Sophie there with you.
I said, why do you think? I paused…
DO YOU MISS ME AS BADLY AS I MISS YOU?
the middle boy was there in the background and she said…go and play Adrian.
I asked her again after a moment of silence…
DO YOU MISS ME AS BADLY AS I MISS YOU?
With her heart into it (I could hear it in her voice)she said
YES< I DO….(AND I COULD TELL SHE REALLY MEANT IT.)
I said, YOU KNOW WHY DON'T YOU? DEEP DOWN I THINK YOU KNOW THIS AS WELL AS I DO…
**WE ARE SOUL-MATES AND MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND SPEND OUR LIVES WITH EACH OTHER. TO BE A FAMILY.
She got quiet…
I asked "did you hear me?"
She said I have a lot on my plate right now.
I let it go and hope she thinks about this. We talked about the kids…potty training…Christmas coming (she said she has no money and the kids want a bunch of stuff she can't get them….
I put Sophie on the phone with her Mama…Terri asked Sophie…DO YOU MISS ME BABY? Sophie said "no, no no"
Frustrated, terri asked her again DO YOU MISS YOUR MAMA?
Sophie screamed back a loud "NO!!!!!"
I thought WOW…that's sad. But terri said, I love you Sophie and sophie gave me back the phone. I told terri She's tired.
After a couple of minutes of small talk, I said…
Terri, **IF** we ever decided to start all over again, I would do things a WHOLE lot differently, and if you ever want to talk about this and hear what I mean…just let me know, okay?
She said OKAY….I told her I would call her tomorrow morning. She said okay…i said, I love you terri. Gnite.
She said "I know" (obviously, Ditsy must be nearby listening)
OKAY FOLKS…WHAT DO YOU ALL MAKE OF THIS?
**I** THINK IF HER MOM WASN'T SO ILL, SHE WOULD POSSIBLY WANT TO ASK ME ABOUT COMING HOME….AND I THINK DOWN THE ROAD, SHE MAY…
ANY COMMENTS ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION?
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! YOU GUYS AND GALS ARE TOPS.
Your doin good raan. Just take it gently easy on her. Not too much just do like your doing.
It would do us all some much needed good to see this work out for you. just don’t forget things can go wrong terribly wrong. You hang in there and we all keep you guys in our prayers. Ps Sophie is adorable 🙂 happy thanks giving everyone 🙂
Lost, do you think it’s too soon to say to her tomorrow…
**Terri, clearly you feel as much in your heart for me as I do for you…
TAKE ALLLLL THE TIME YOU NEED UP THERE, and when your Mama gets well down the road,
Let’s DO SOMETHING about getting “US” right and well too, because we both know we feel the same about each other and always will.
Being together won’t be a burden, but a blessing terri…I can make your life so much easier and help with the kids, be there for you as your man should be, we’ll visit Mama as regularly as you like too, etc…
I just want you to know this and to think about it.
THEN, go into small talk and happy Holidays, etc…Rather…perhaps do the small talk first?
SHOULD I GIVE IT A REST FOR NOW??? How long do I wait?
Hi Raan ..u have fallen back into the bipolar trap again
dont mean to be so harsh …she sounds to me like she is just saying what you want to hear …you cannot trust them they are renound for playing mind games Raan
you know this ….she is worn down by the kids and her mum but be prepared she will only cvome back when she wants to not when u do and if u tell her that u miss her etc and u feel she misses u she will just agree for the time being to get rid of your pestering her
I know u love this women and i dont want to scare u but the best thing u could do if u really want her back is to treat her like shit …hate to tell you this but they are haters ..so far she has u 2nd guessing yourself as though you caused all the problems which they do so well
dont lose sight of the fact that she is sleeping with another male and he is in her life ..you accepting this is the worst u can do for your self because then she thinks she has gotten rid of you and u accept she can go with someone else ..fight & flight Raan you havent got her back yet !! dont kid yourself what she will pull next , dont drop your guard ever !! cause thats when she knows she has u where she wants u
No Offence intended regards bitternotsosweet
Okay Bittersweet, okay.
No lovey dovey crap today or otherwise.
Raan.. forgive me if this is harsh but it comes from 12 years being kicked like a dog …I do want the best for you and terri but if u be too nice to her u will get hurt again
kind regards
bittersweet
Bitterlove
Don’t feel bad. Raan will understand. Bitter babe you are one of gods most gentle creatures. Today in the states we give thanks for all we have. And mostly for our friends like you and everyone on these boards. Big huggs to you xo.
I got it…I understand, and…I DID NOT call her today.
IF she calls me, I am just going to say that I forgot about her because Sophie and I were just having TOO good of a time, and besides…
You would rather be with a little KID over ME???
Why waste my time. Happy Holidays and Cya.
Lost ..U r so kind to me ..thanku
we battle on regardless lost with the love in our hearts & hope in our souls that we will love like this again
in a way im scared to try dating …cause people are so unkind to fellow human beings these days its scary.
Raan
will tell u the secret way to get her back but its almost impossible to do , u have to be brave & Lost is doing it…here it is … dont respond to terri eagily and stay silent, dont ring her or email & DONT tell her your feelings treat her like a stranger non responsive is the go …it does work believe me
kind regards
bitterlovebabesweet 🙂
Bitterlovebabesweet…..how long is this silent treatment gonna take, because I am not your big/brave/non responsive type….I am more your sweet/stupid/sucker/ fall for any old line type?? lol 😉
……and apart from that its minus two here in England tonight, I need someone to keep me warm!!!
🙂
Raan,
The only question you gotta keep asking yourself – is where would you be if you didn’t have a kid with terri? probably as far away from her as possible. She knows the kid has you 2 tied for a very long time. The second she doesn’t believe that she will panic like you’ve never seen before. Little boy is only a distraction from reality; but when she’s wakes up look out, make sure she’s raging on him and not you.
wishing
this site too slow …sweet stupid suckers get suckerpunched LOL
bitterslow
I haven’t called her nor has she called me over the last two days. it seems kind of odd that she has not rang as her Mom’s cell DOES have long distance and I know that she misses Sophie.
I wonder if everything is okay or whatnot?
I would have thought that Terri would have called at least to talk to Sophie…
Maybe Terri has more money than she claims and is out doing the black friday thing?
OR-
She has a flat tire with NO spares…(which is true and she has been running on a donut tire for weeks and the front two tires are totally shot at this point)
I wonder when she is going to have no transpo because of this
Treat terri like a stranger – treat her like SHIT????
NO calling her or contacting her whatsoever?
That’s really hard, as she wants me to call her regularly since she has no long distance so she can talk with Sophie.
By acting like I could care LESS for her whatsoever brings ’em back eh? NO talk about anything remotely towards feelings eh?
You people ALL know I want her back badly, even though I say I don’t….is that true? Dang it.
Raan,
You jump on that white horse and go chasing a flat tire I’m going to hunt you down and bitch slap you silly. I’m serious. When that call comes, you tell her, I got company coming over and I got steaks burning, gotta go, here’s sophie. These are the type of boundaries you gotta set up – there called self protection boundaries – if they don’t love you, you set em free. Set her free for awhile, let REALITY set in. Her and boytoy hitching. If you’re part of the rage lookout my friend. You wanta be part of her answer not part of the drama. Take a timeout from the drama my friend. Just chill. Regroup, find your chi, lol, no, i’m serious, this is part of your time to heal up.
Mark, Mark, Mark,
Seriously, I have NO frickin’ intention of nor will I whatsoever FIX HER PROBLEMS….especially the tire problem that is inevitable and I mean soon too.
I know that she loves me deep down…so what you are saying to me is…just totally move on (not go out and find a new girl tomorrow necessarily) and let HER find out how badly she F’d up.
Let HER search me down and beg ME to get back with me…
IGNORE her emotionally completely. Just business 100% as far as Sophie is concerned. Pick up my Daughter when scheduled to…drop her off when I am supposed to and basically NOT CARE as far as SHE is concerned, eh? EVER.
Perhaps when we talk (I am requested to Call Terri regularly since she lost her long distance, and frankly I don’t see how this is MY job to call her, but I do it off and on regularly so she can talk to Sophie and MAYBE, terri puts the boys on to talk with me during the process.)
I guess besides keeping up with the kids – act like the Terri I know and LOVE(d) DIED???
Hmmmm. Odd, but acknowledged. I hope I can do this. I think I can. NOTHING else has worked.
Raan,
I did what you’re trying to do for 2o years my friend. Loving a BP has a different set of rules. Especially one who is not willing to acknowledge they are Mentally Ill and are in need of serious help.
Think of this like a game of ping pong, she has to hit one ball back or there is no game (love). It will take every breath out of you if you don’t take of yourself.
Part of our faults are we sacrifice, it’s ok at times but unhealthy at others, you’re headed towards the unhealthy and I’m not trying to be unkind, I did it, so I talk from experience. Our stories are different, details are different but the beginning and middle are the same, I’m hoping you don’t have the same ending as me.
You made a BIG point in your last reply. It’s very true. Terri does not and has not acknowledged that she is mentally ill and doesn’t think she is sick whatsoever. That’s the BIGGEST hurdle I would guess.
Until a BP willingly and consciously works on their issues…and consistently tries and does something about their illness, NOTHING productive is going to happen, now is there?
this is a LONG term problem (solution rather)isn’t it?
I suppose I just kept HOPING that since she has had only ONE episode of severity that lasted only a short time in January, that by now,she may have been back to “normal”
I am also guessing that this may be the “biggee” in her life as she is in her mid-20’s and from what I understand, this is a BAD time-wise in a biploar’s life with it typically manifesting itself at it’s worst in many cases at this age.
Am I correct?
Her unwilingness to recognize or understand what is going is a BIG part of what is going on now. I didn’t know WTH BP was til 3 years ago, so I lived in the dark ages for ALONG TIME. Man, the relief I got when I could put a name to my psychosis. Learning to deal with it takes 2 people, right now you only have 1 person dealing with the illness, YOU. US thats our problem, we are the only ones dealing with IT, the ILLNESS.
And, until she recognizes that she does in fact have a serious mental illness AND does something about it, Nothing is likely to change much, hmm?
NO good odds considering how well i know her and her upbringing. Her mom sweeps ALL problems under the rug so to speak….no wonder her Mom has COUNTLESS problems…she doesn’t do anything about them and they just fester.
regrettably, terri learned this behavior BESIDES being bipolar…OUCH
This Does NOT look good – short or long term.
maybe I better just forget her (or try) or I’ll be alone for a LONG time. I was the stable and sane anchor in Terri’s life. Without me to hang on to, I fear Terri will just meander thru life. Damn it.
Raan everyone is telling me to do the same ignore him or fight back, I did that last week ( both ) and it worked….1-0
This week I felt sorry I was being so horrible and I called him he didnt return my call…..one all.
My BP does recognise he has a mentally illness, he knows he does but even knowing wont solve everything because he knows but he is to scared to do anything about it!
If you decide to stick through it then you have a long winding road, I am in between, not knowing exactly which road to take, so I am dating to see if the other road is better for me, Mark is staying and handling it, Bitter has decided to leave the road ( after 12 long, lonely years….can you face that? ) and Lost he is the first to find happiness and to prove to us all…..THERE IS LIFE AFTER BIPOLAR!
Wishing..There definately a life after bipolar
bipolar is not living anyway its shit ..like lost said you just gotta figure out if they are worth suffering for
MARK I like that adaptation …PING PONG
yes thats it ..they hit a curved ball tho ..but they wait till u have the bait then they run, from my experience as soon as u think u r getting somewhere with them as a relationship ..they pull the rug
if they think they are losing you unless they have a safety net ..that is the only time they will panic
Raan its takes a very brave soul to take on this journey ..love helps but can blind you from what is the line in the sand ..if u allow her to emotionally guilt whip your sorry ass then u will suffer
i know u can do this Raan ..out her number into your phone under PAIN ..that is the reality at this point
if u want her to come after you , then MARK is right its one up time …she wont like being the loser hence the rage ..but if u r not in the firing line then it will be directed towards crusty he will cop it big time ..remember she is not entirely herself & manic or depressed she will become irritable ..and guess what u dont care anymore right 🙂
cheers Bitter
Nope still not out of the woods and its way to early to tell with this new chick.I thought I had found my dream girl once before but it didn’t work out because I have developed a few issues of my own.I think its because of being with bipolar girl I now look for any signs of deciet or lies and my feelings become hurt very easy and very bad.I am at the point where I will run or push away a relationship out of the fear of being hurt.Not a good thing. Putting pictures of her away deleted most and all text helped the most. Putting off trying to contact her also helped.I took marks avice to meet other people to the extreme but it helped except that some nights I’d be missing two and three diffrent woman. Flip flopping back and forth in my mind. That was not kool. And I still miss bipolar girl only not as much. I now rank her along with the rest of the decietful woman iv been inv involved with. So its taken a lot of the edge off. Maybe some of what I’m saying will help you guys/gals its helped me. For now anyway I don’t feel like getting myself killed and have put off getting involved with any biker clubs. Although I may get involved with one of the smaller nicer ones. I will see how it goes with this sweet woman. If she is true to me I’m hooked. I can very easy fall for her I feel it already and she feeds my pashion for sweet talking just like bpgirl did 🙂 everyone listen to mark. Put off contact for a week then another week then a month etc. Raan with you it will be much harder. And 20s is not the peak of bipolar. It gets worse much much worse. My x girl is 38 and it was way past what yours is at. The new woman I’m seeing is 45 but you would never know it. She told me she feels 25 and I belives her 😉 so just hang in there. The world is full of people we haven’t met yet.and for me a stable always there for me blood and honer type woman will always win my heart over some lieing cheating bimbo. Raan maybe you should look for a woman outside your town or you may find her at the local market picking out her dinner for the night 🙂 you know the old saying it don’t hurt to try? Well it don’t work with bipolar.. Sometimes its gonna hurt more!
Lost so happy for you and do agree about the confusion aspect …couple of years ago I met a really nice man but due to being so damaged from the bp I blew it
too sensitive i guess…god i hope this works for you she does look good on the pm
noone could rip your heart out & stomp on it any worse than a bp so you have got NO worries even if this doesnt work out just be grateful u are having some fun with a non bp surely that must feel good …we are so lucky we have all moved on Raan is in a different type of situation to all of us here …did u ever hear from trusturgut again …wow she just disappeared hope she is alright and I noted wayne popped in to say hello all good
cheers guys
wishing hope the new date is great
bittersweet
Lost you are right about the age thing, Bipolar gets worse Raan, I have noticed a big change in my man in just a year and I am sure Bitter said her man was getting worse…..
Age is also a mind thing, I feel about 28 and I have dated men about 10 years younger than myself, when you reach this age it doesnt really matter, age starts to level out…..
I seem to have been in this push me, pull me thing forever!!
bitter i too met someone nice and am sooooo damaged now i can’t do it – ive run away and dont know how to get back, i have run away from him constantly and i’m so afraid, it feels like i’d rather be on my own than ever treated like that or be hurt ever again. my bp text me all the time now and i cant get rid of him, i’ve gone into total depression hence not been on for awhile, stayed off the drink and been kinda ok, drinking tonight though, i am the same as you lost, i hate it, i hate feeling like this but the anxiety takes over and we run, run run run run, and we end up like the bipolars, thats what it feels like xxxxxx
Michelle, I feel the same, dating lots of people but I think I subconsciously turn them away because I feel its better to be alone and not to be hurt or lied to or mentally abused!
Are you answering his text or just ignoring him?
michelle
I have only been persued by my bp once after a 5 year break …I really cant imagine what that would be like as I have only ever been ignored & rejected
why is your bp persuing you when u have told him your not interested its usually them that has to be adored
If they are narcissistic then they do not need anyone they themselves like to be needed…
all of us here have the opposing problem to you we have been ignored in my case for over 1 year now and recently after contact just totally ignored again
Mark put it politely , he said its like playing ping pong back & forth..BP’s have to win at all costs they play the game so well
regards Bittersweet
I WONDER IF HE IS PURSUING HER BECAUSE SHE IS IGNORING HIM????
yes, this has happened before about a year into the relationship but i went back that time, this time never in a million years would i go back and have told him so. i text back to say stop jamming my phone up with these texts and no i am not going to meet you. he is relentless. it is definately because i ignore him, he leaves messages on voicemail, souning so desperate, please just answer me and i hate it. xxxxxxxxx
Thats the part that gets to me Michelle when they sound so sad, so broken, so desperate….it tears me apart!!
How long does he go with no contact either way between you, how long has it been since you havent seen him?
I have been apart from my man for 10 weeks now and I am thinking it is now over, the last contact was just over a week ago but wasnt good contact!
I actually believe him this time when he said it is now over…..
Will he just text you or will he actually come to your house?
What are you going to do with the man you are running from? xx
Games for lack of a better word is how you need to deal with them until they wake up and are willing to get help. You take their games and use it to set YOUR boundaries. Look folks, you don’t and you’re going to be the rolled up ball on the bed rocking back and forth. They’re going to take you on another roller coaster ride up an down and spinning around and leave you in the dark. It’s there illness.
BP’s who don’t want to wake up to their illness are not going to have stable relationships. And if you wanta be one of those unstable relationships that is YOUR choice. You can care about someone else all you want, you can love em all you want but you better make sure the person you care and love first is YOURSELF, don’t go looking for that in someone else and don’t go looking for that in someone who is BiPolar and unwilling to get better. You’re just going to get hurt. And the nicer the person you are the more you’re going to get hurt. Read the previous 700 milion posts.
I just met somebody new as a friend who is BP and she has a 2yr son raging out of control. Her life is a shambles but shes young. She’s heard about BP and seems to be more willing to look into help then someone older; I don;t know maybe its a generation thing, maybe she would want the attention. All I know is getting someone to acknowledge and get into treatment and therapy is the number ONE problem. From there you have some hope.
Oh well, that’s the end of that then because I have been trying for 12 months and he ain’t going no where near that doctors surgery!!
He knows he has it. He told me he had it and he’s had therapy on 3 different occasions and said it doesn’t work but he wont do medicines!
SO I GUESS THERE’S NO HOPE!
There’s hope. Cognitive therapy deals alot with the recognition of the illness. I’m not a big meds fan only because certain docs will just medicate you to get you out of the office. It took us over 2 years to find the right med mix cocktail. You’re also falling asleep at 9pm, your sex drive goes in the tank, you gain weight drastically.
You can do alot by managing your diet, your sleep, managing your stress triggers which start episodes, etc.
People gotta want to get better however and that’s their choice first, not ours. At the same time, we gotta realize, we’re better people then we give ourselves credit for and if moving on is the best move, well, it’s moving time.
Mark, you are VERY wise regarding this and kudos to you and all of the other helpful people on here.
It’s a tragic shame…all of this illness is is total and absolute HELL on rollercoaster wheels!
Without (in my case) terri wanting herself to get better…ain’t NOTHING good gonna come of this – ever…hear that wishing?
Raan,
I’ve seen the really depressing institutional bs side of this disease. I’m not sure when the right time is try and have that “you’re ill and it’s not your fault” conversation with terri but I did try it with my wife late in our separation without success. I guess I was so relieved to realize I wasn’t crazy but had issues of my own to resolve as well.
Holidays are crash times for BP’s. The stress levels hit different highs and the rages are more frequent. Try and stay non combative, you’re going to see and hear bs like never before. Don’t take it personally and thats going to be hard. You can be supportive and not get hit in the head with a frying pan when you look away. This is an opportunity for you to set your rules, I know I sound like a broken record, but this is how you get stronger as a person as well.
Mark is 100% correct. And it sucks and that’s the way it is. So go out with as many good people as you can until the faces and names blur together and these jokers become a distant memory and a lesson learned and warn your kids that while bipolar bears look soft and fuzzy they will rip your heart out kill your soul and move on without a care in the world. Keep your kids away from them. Bipolar bears are not all fun and games 🙂 oh and they suck at pool too 😉
But thats the trouble Lost, they dont, do they??
You can go out with lots of different people and sometimes so many you cant even remember their names but when that door closes at night and you lie in the dark, you remember one name…..dont you?
……and thats what keeps us here, because moving on is not that easy, they are special people, they made an impact on all our lives?
Wish
they are enormously not so special too
someone who likes to hurt a genuine person for no good reason other than their own hatred is too special for me , the rest of special nice and fuzzy is a complete manipulation, and anything else you can think of thats special will not be so special when they are screaming in your face thats its all your fault.
Bitternotsofukingspecial today
Yes they really do suck at pool and massages 🙂
But serious now. Special? No they are not special they think they are special and they may convince you they are special. But they are not. Special at all. Do you know who is special? You are special I am special everyone who comes to this board is special. And do you know why we are special? Its because we know these people are sick and we feel for them. They break us down when they accuse us and run away and they build us back up when and if they come back. The army will do the same for you. Build you up and break you down until they can mold you into what ever shape they desire. Bipolar uses the same style on us. But there end result is not in the rebuild. Its in the break down. They break us when they leave us deserted and they do not come back.We are left in the broken state of disrepaire.
Now I will continue to tell you who is special.Your children are special they have unconditional love for us. The man or woman that you will meet that grows with you over time.The person who when your tire goes flat leaving you lost and stranded will come for you at any hour of the day or night and will not stop until they find you and get you home safe.The person who will care for you when you are sick and refuse to leave your side until you are better and the person who brings you chicken soup and feed you by hand if needed. Your freakin dog that will stay by you through it all is special. Not these deserters who run when faced with stress or freak out on you for being sick and unable to cater to them.Who will go out and cheat and lie to you and return like nothing happend days weeks months or even yrs later.When you lay in bed at night alone thinking there name.It like thinking of a fond memory of some short happy time.And then you think about why you are there alone and where they could be and back to yourself being alone.Please keep looking for the real special person that will be there for you all the time.There are more good people out there who are truly special just like us and they are searching for you. Don’t look for the loud mouth at the party. Look who may be sitting right next to you quiet but attentive.I would love to see these boards change into friends here to say hello and offer best wishes instead of poor souls coming here shattered and broken. You do what you can for someone who wants needs and ask for help. The rest is like shooting fish in a barrel. You never know what you may get. Or in the bp world what you may catch. And they do suck at pool damn it 😉
Yea, damn it what L&F said, double yea. Wow, I like that rave. Touch a nerve did we Jedi? Hmmmm.
Let’s remember folks, we got issues too. It’s also our issues that attract us to them and I’m not trying to make enemies here. I got self esteem issues and codependency issues but we also got choices and when someones ask you “why do you wanta be with someone who treats you like…….” you better be willing to answer that one truthfully. There lies a big answer to all our troubles. Do we enjoy the torture? I know were not wired as easily to cut and run but there somethings there we should look at as well.
We all do sound like a good bunch, but could there be matches here for any of us? Or could we all be just too similiar to make something special? Hmmm.
I’m getting too old for the pain and the young dream of the love story is just a dream. I lived what I thought it was for 20 years and guess what…reality set in. God blessed me the day someone explained BP to me in a MH facility, it saved what sanity I had left.
And yes, the children are the miracles.
NOT SO SPECIAL ARSEHOLES who use and abuse the privedges you give them then lie & cheat & manipulate some poor innocent victim who knows nothing of their illness until they have bribed them into thinking they are superman/women
have not had a lot to do with MH facility apart from thinking i may need one too if i stayed in this so called ghost of a relationship and kept giving my heart & soul to someone special who took all from me …then ran and jumped into bed with some new special someone lied to them and to me then specially blamed both of us & laughed in our face . then when the chips were down the SPECIAL himself came crying & bleeding for forgiveness which he got everytime …then upon another attempt at trying to screw me over to repeat the same special fuking bullshit game again & again
when the going gets tough the tough get going and the not so special arseholes RUN away to be with another special vistim they can manipulate with their warm & fuzzy special fuking bullshit
THEY ARE NOT SO SPECIAL TODAY when we have dumped them onto their sorry ass as well ..play the game like they do
BITTERSWEET
Exactly Mark….we all got choices….YOU STAY OR YOU GO??
IF THEY ARE ALL NOT SO SPECIAL THEN WHY DID WE ALL KEEP GOING BACK TO THEM…..
We made the “choice” I was never held at gun point….was you?
Wow! Did someone strike a SERIOUS nerve today?
I called Terri to let her talk with Sophie…got the WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL Thanksgiving rant…told her we got all wrapped up in fun and now both of us are sick (Sophie and I).
Terri told me that she is sick too…
YOU THINK???? In how many ways?
I got off the phone so quick, she probably thought “what the F? Did he just hang up on me?”
I didn’t, but almost. I was so short, it felt weird…and very unemotional.
regrettably, tomorrow, I get to let her know that her doing what she has done has made it impossible for me to buy any Christmas gifts for the kids – I am so bummed. I will do what I can, but it doesn’t look like I can afford any whatsoever.
Daycare, gas for the trip next week, business is so slow, behind in bills, can’t work weekends anymore, etc…ALL caused from her bailing.
The kids really do pay the biggest price.
ME…..BY THE LOOKS OF IT RAAN….WHEN I SAID “SPECIAL”…. 😉
Did I forget to mention that the child support agency she filed on me is making me pay for the paternity tests…THEY don’t handle this…I hear it’s 500-700 dollars a piece??
I am so pissed off at Terri at the moment, I want to cuss her out.
RAAN
cuss is too polite …dont let her know your emotions , she will use them against you …remember what I told you …never WIN always LOSE with a BP
but you can have some pride & a little Win if you like its called I DONT CARE ANYMORE TERRI
& CHECK THE CARE FACTOR BIATCH
from bittersweet
okay Bitter, how do I tell her what I posted on my last two posts?
What is the best way to break the news to her that HER actions made christmas for the kids a whopping NADA?
Also, I would LOVE to ask her:
So, Terri…are you HAPPY now that you have F’d up your life, the kids, and now mine financially??? (rhetorical statement, but I would like to somehow manage to sneak this in someway without screwing the pooch so to speak…
Hi Raan
well my apologies for my profuse & upset feelings
I know we are supposed to be patient & understanding of these wretched souls….but from my experience anytime i have been patient & understanding , it has not been recognised at all and in fact twisted by my ex sick bp and used against me
I think your last paragraph says it all …also whilst she may not realise the folly of her selfish actions has caused this collateral damage to you and your life . I guess telling her that your personal financial situation does not lend itself as it used to …her needs are now not your priority or your problem …her kids needs have gone onto the back burner , as innocent victims in her fairy ride & sophie who is by your side remains the only constant life love that means anything to you at this point in time …you could say that given the folly of your chosen decisions she has now become a distant thought in your life …and left to work out her own issues that she created through her warped perceptions that u were to blame for some dirty washing up & as the man of the house were now left with the house and thats it.
today this is what I would say…as I am upset …tomorrow I may be a bit more lenient ..the next day I may just forget she exists and the terri you knew as you so eloquently put it died and does not exist anymore ..
Kind regards Bitter
LOST …I like your write up about the write offs
regards Bittersweet
Raan….shes not happy and she doesnt need you to tell her that she has and will continue to fuk up her life.
She needs help and that is up to you as to whether you wish to help her or you have the choice to walk away…..personally I think you have to help her and not blame her, she is mentally ill and I think you have known this for quiet a while, I dont know if you knew this when you created a new life with her but because you have, Terri and Sophie will be your responsibility for a while!
I dont want sound harsh but being with a person who is ill is a choice we all have, we can stay or we can walk away only you know what is the right thing for you to do?
Given the state of minds that most of you seem to be in today, is there anyone here recommending that I say what I wrote in the last few posts? I mean, it really needs to be said i think…or just let it all go?
Raan
only you can choose the moment with terri
you must know her well enough at this point to be able to ascertain wether her mood is flying high or running low ..if she is a rapid cycler then she will have both
feel it out as u go along but dont talk about anything serious or your feelings if you wish the outcome to be favourable …its not really the time for deep & meaningfuls . my approach would be business like , without too much emotion …easily said I know but you are a man who is in need of certain things that are not going to come easy …all of this and trying to cope with the rejection, only so much you can take …
think carefully before you speak not like me today LOL
and yes i do think you sound all good with what you have written above …lets face it …it is the truth.
you are not the one sneaking around are you
regards Bittersweet
Raan let it go….whatever you say to her wont fix anything, she is mentally ill, she is finding it hard to cope, work on you….you have your baby girl to think about, start planning the future for the two of you!
I am so happy to have found this thread! I will read through all the posts after I post my struggle…
Ok, so, for the past 5 months I have been involved with a wonderful guy. He is intelligent, funny, creative, interesting, kind… and absolutely broken.
I have always been quite interested in mental disorders, so after about 2 months of being together I suspected he was bipolar. When we first met, he told me he was hospitalized a year ago – he was suicidal, but luckily a friend found his suicide note and called the police. He was then diagnosed with severe depression, and medicated and treated accordingly (he is on Zoloft and Wellbutrin). The way he came across to me however, wasn’t depressed. I mean, he had his depressed moments, sure – but he also had very (what I would now call) ‘manic’ moments, in which he would have all these crazy ideas about what he would do, and about his place in the world… which would always happen alongside of immense creative outbursts (he’s a great painter and sketch artist). One of the labels he loves for himself is that of ‘tortured artist’… during he manic episodes, it’s almost like he really wants to be this label. Whether this is truly him, is beside the point. He also would have his relatively stable moments, in which he would be able to reflect on his own behavior etc.
Two weeks ago, he spent 3 weeks at my place (we were long distance)… I showed him several articles on bipolar disorder, and I told him that this is what I think he might have. And that he should probably go back into councelling (he quit therapy a couple weeks ago when there was some chaos in his life), and see if they can maybe test him for bipolar). He agreed, that many if not all statements about bipolar were true for him, and agreed that he needed help.
He left to go back home two weeks ago, but we would see each other again in december. However, two days ago I get a message from him on facebook saying that he has plans for the future, and I am not included. And that he is a big boy now. I then talk to him about this in the fb chat, devastated. Where he tells me that he thinks I’m a bitch, and that I am too dramatic etc. etc. These statements are just all so delusional! He has been the one being dramatic in our relationship.
(Also, he has broken up with me before… because he wasn’t sure if he loves and couldn’t handle a relationship. A week or so later he changed his mind and wanted me back. This is when I agreed, but also bought him a ticket to come see me, because I thought a break from his current surroundings (quite hectic) might help him. The rest is history.
I do love him and I wonder if he will come back to me again, or not. Maybe, in a way, by breaking up with me he did me a favor, because I would never ever be able to leave him. I just didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Written off as an awful human being, when I have done nothing but give to him and accept and deal with his disease. We talked on the phone yesterday, and he did at brief moments admit that maybe he was just trying to piss me off, so I would dump him. And that maybe he was projecting his own negativity about himself on me. But these were just flashes of insight. For the most part, he said he wasn’t ready for commitment. And he could tolerate people in his life, only to come and go as HE pleases, he was a tortured soul, nobody understands him etc. etc. He also had this idea that he needed to work out and go running, because he needed to be able to defend himself if people attack him on the streets(he always was quite paranoid). This all made me think he broke up with me in a manic episode. I made sure I told him I wasn’t breaking up with him, but he was breaking up with me… and that this was his decision and that I respected that.
He wants to still be friends, though. He said he would call me in ‘a couple of days’.
I love him. And the main thing I want for him is inner peace.
What should I do?
My thought right now, is to leave him be for a couple of days… and see what happens. I just really want him to know I love him unconditionally, whether as friends or romantically involved… and that I want to be there for him. And, that he needs help, and that I wish he finds a way to be more mentally stable.
Welcome Mary……..I am afraid you have joined at a time when my dear friends on the site are bubbling over….everyone has reached their limit which is completely understandable because as you have found out to your own costs Bipolar is heartbreaking, demoralising and at its best a relationship killer!!
I myself, like you, have a interest in mentally illness, I too just want the best for my ex partner with or without me!
BUT as I have learnt you cannot do much for them unless they are willing to help themselves, everything I have tried has been in vain and the only thing I do now is offer support if and when he wants it??
He doesnt tell me not to continue with my life, so I do, I love him more than I have ever loved any man but there is nothing I can do to fix this, so Mary be there, offer support, dont let him abuse you but help if he asks!
Leaving him alone for a few days is a good idea, I have never pestered my man, I let him come to me, I do send a simple text every couple of days just to check he is ok, sometime he will answer sometimes he wont, I worry about him but there is nothing I can do!
He will never commit to you, they just dont, most of them are free spirits, they like to come and go as they please and as the mood takes them. You have to find inner peace/happiness within yourself to be able to cope with this, times you will feel down too and times you will come on here and rant to all your friends about the unfairness of what they do and we will all listen and try to help each other BUT that is the best you can hope for at the moment until the day comes that he will accept what help he can get….he is special, we are all special just sometimes life doesnt deal us the best hand!! xx
grrr this site is slow- anyone else have a problem with it???
anyway out of curiosity try this
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv?stat=1
omg one of my posts was on here and was down to be moderated and taken off – had some useful websites on – grrrrrr
M xxxxxxxx
oh and welcome mary xxx
I know what you are saying and the truth is she did not tell me about the fact that she has bp until a month into the relationship. When I asked her why she did not tell me she said she thought she could handle a relationship. By this time I had already gone through all the courting and gaming that comes with a new relationship. I thought I had found and won for myself such a pretty and smart woman that it was an incredible boost to my ego. By the time I found out what this bp really is it was too late I had fallen for her the same I would have for a honest non bp woman.So as far as having a choice? I feel I was not given a real choice until after the fact that I had fallen in love with her. Maybe I she were honest with me I would have made the choice to get out of the new relationship? And for these younger people on here I would not recommend staying in a situation that brings more bad then good. And there is in fact no guarantee that they will ever seek help at any point in there life. Also the risk of acquiring a number of STD’s including AIDs is very real due to the high numbers of people they have sex with. There is more on the table then first meets the eye. I have enough issues of my own including lack of self worth that if I stay in the relationship I had I would harm myself in the most serious way. If you feel you can handle this and a life that will pretty much leave you on your own. Then go for it. But for myself I need someone who brings something positive to the relationship. My kids seeing me constantly upset is not good for them either. I am trying all I can to work my way out of this hole I feel I have been put in. I can honestly say now I wish I never met her. What I thought was special turned out to be a booby prize. And it bothers me to say it but I can’t lie to myself. And it really sucks
I know Lost, I too didnt find out until about 6 weeks in to the relationship and I thought…. I COULD HANDLE IT.
Sometimes they dont tell people earlier for many reasons
: they are embarrassed
: they are scared you will leave
: they just want to feel normal
: they think they can handle it….they want to handle it!!
I know you feel bad about all this but you have to let it go as well, it happened, look for the good that you got from it……
You see, I can move on if I want to because I look to back on it all with no regrets….. I had some awful times too, I have felt sick from it all sometimes but as I have said all along ” I will always be glad I knew him” and that helps ME to move on…..
You have to do what brings you inner peace but always remember this is an illness….
Hi mary. Can I please ask your age? Bipolar or non bipolar we should look for a partner who brings something positive to our lives. Someone who compliments and adds to the quality of life. I let a very pretty non bp girl go because so only took from the relationship and did bring anything even though I tryed to help her to be productive. Now I look more towards what on the inside then what is on the outside. I will choose a fairly attractive woman with a kind warm heart over a beautyful bomb shell who is cold. But again that’s my choice.
Wishing, she was not mentally ill (diagnosed anyway) when we decided to have a baby. It developed during the last half of pregnancy.
Right thats understandable, I would take a guess here Raan but was she on meds before her pregnancy or did you not know…..because they have to come off the meds when pregnant they can be harmful to the baby, then they work out of the system and about halfway through the symptoms return with a vengeance usually because there is also a mixture of hormones to deal with too!
And dont forget pregnancy does things to the body, even some normal women suffer with mental illness after pregnancy ( post natal depression) this could have played a big part in Terri’s well being!!
actually, she was not diagnosed or showed symptoms of bipolar until halfway thru the pregnancy and they DID put her on meds…ZOLOFT, which is supposed to be safe to take during pregnancy. She got very depressed. We thought it was post partum depression, but it never went away, so more doctor visits after the baby was born and she was diagnosed with bipolar, which her sister is diagnosed with as well.
After zoloft quit working, we tried various meds…that’s when the January incident took place. Once we took her off of THOSE meds that made her manic, she was fine until this August, which once again…we were modifying the meds right before the episode. Frankly, I am thinking it is the MEDS which are making her manic and/or the WRONG meds anyway.
I am so frustrated with this situation. I would NOT have a had a baby with her had I known all of this. Nothing I can do now but make the best of a nightmarish situation. I have to take Sophie back to her next weekend…sucks.
This Christmas is REALLY going to be awful. I am not a negative person, but it really is going to be terrible.
I wish I could reason with Terri. Ughh.
talked with terri a minute ago…she sounded bummed out in general. She has a cold too. I told her due to what she did, and because the daycare costs, etc…paternity tests coming up, that there will be NO christmas presents for the kids this year. I asked her if she got the kids any presents and she said a couple of things…I asked anything substantial? She said No, in a low voice. I said: terri, you claimed you were not happy here…So, Are you happy NOW? She said yeah, in a low bummed out voice. I said, Wow, you really sound it. She replied, how would you know?(laughing nervously) I said, terri…I know you very well. I can tell you aren’t. I told her that this isn’t working…is it for you? she said NO.I could hear Ditsy in the background saying something….she got quiet.
She changed the subject…where is Sophie? I said daycare.
I went back to the original subject…You know…maybe you ought to rethink what you are doing and what you did…the kids are going to have a really sucky Christmas. She said, they’ll be alright…,I said, yeah…sure they will.
I’ll talk to you later. take care of yourself – I’ll try and call later if I am back before too late. I want to do something with Sophie tonight because she has to go back soon, and by the way…she is super happy here and I think she wants to stay. She said she is happy here too you know. I said, sure she is Terri and hung up.
I can tell that terri is miserable. WHY in the world would she want to continue doing what isn’t working??? Mental illness or not, wouldn’t she realize eventually that this isn’t working and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
Sometimes Raan they just cant, specially when depressed, some days its just an effort to get dressed in the morning!
My EX BP said a couple of things last week which explains how he feels….one was “I reap what I sow” and another was “too little, too late” sometimes he has told me he feels so bad about things he has done or said but doesn’t know how to put it right….if she is special to you Raan and you want her back then be patient, dont knock her whilst she is down, dont question WHY?? Just be there and pick up the pieces, let her see she can have confidence in you, she needs to think you wont blame her, before she can even think of returning, how would you feel if you felt you were going from the “frying pan into the fire” make her feel you are on her side and maybe just maybe you can make this work BUT stop rushing it, it will not happen overnight!
You have got to really want this….she will always be ill, again its back to choices, if you dont want it then you must make plans to live your own life, with Sophie included of course!
Of course you can ask, lost/and found, I am 24. And I agree with your personality over looks statement 🙂
And thank you, Wishing well, for your input. I agree, they really have to want to help themselves. Thing is, he does – but only when he is in a stable moment. During mania he feels all too self righteous… He just enjoys the misery, because it agrees with this image he would like to see of himself (tortured artist, as mentioned before). Mania bringsh im inspiration. Alcohol to him creates a sense of mania, so he often abuses it when he is not currently manic.
I never even asked for true commitment. I myself am a pretty free spirit, and would have even been ok with an ‘open relationship’, or something like that. Also, he was always faithful. But then still, I would have to be able to trust that he doesn’t break my heart again. And I guess that is something I will never be able to depend on.
There is a lyric to a song that fits how I feel the unbalance in the relationship was “my one mistake was that I couldn’t let you down”… it’s so true.
I don’t know if he will come back to a second time. But even if he doesn’t, I am wondering if I should remain friends. I really want to, I want to still be able to be there for him… and support him when he needs it. I don’t want him to feel like he is truly alone, like he feels often. I don’t want him to feel this emptiness – he deserves so much better. But then again, my friends are telling me even in a friendship situation he might still abuse my emotions… I don’t know.
Tomorrow I will get to reading all the other posts on here, there’s just so many! =)
Mary, he sounds similar to my Ex…..well I think hes an Ex you can never tell, well I cant, he has gone and come back about 12 times now! My BP uses alcohol all the time, to highten confidence when normal, to knock himself out when depressed, to enjoy mania!!
He too wants and agrees sometimes to help when stable or manic…..he can take on the world then but when depressed he cant face it, help scares him!
Do read as many posts as you can here and “why do Bipolars push us away” which is where we all started…..
…..just dont be to sure of him staying faithful or not breaking your heart again and he will abuse your emotions, its what they do, its all part of the illness!
talked with terri again. Asked her if she was happy here and couldn’t handle being away from her mom vs. miserable there but close to mom…something like that…she said yep.
She shoo’s away dusty when I asked her if this was really the issue and it wasn’t anything I did…she said yes.
asked if she missed me really bad…she shoo’s away dusty again and said yes.
told her I had ideas as to how to make her happy, make it work AND be able to see her mom regularly, but wanted to discuss it without an audience (dusty)…she said yes.
All in all, she shoo’s this kid away about 4 times to answer my questions. She’s miserable up there, and wants to be here but wants to be near her mom more so.
It all makes total sense now, and I think she is pretty much back to normal (depressed if anything).
NOW, I have to come up with a supportive way to make her comfortable to come back…..I think she would like to if she could see her Mom regularly and be here. I am willing to do this…I hope she is too.
this is an abbreviated version, but fairly accurate.
Any comments? BTW, I DO NOT think it’s that she’s telling me what I want to hear, because I can tell by her voice and I said in the first place, I want you to be very brutally honest and I think she is.
Brutally honest??? You’re asking her or us????
Look, there’s a white horse and who’s riding it??? Raan!
Us……Wam, Bam, pow, pop, squash… raan, that’s me bitch slapping you and standing on your balls.
Which is what she is going to do in the next month and leave you TWICE as devastated as today.
Look, friend. I know you desprately want her back. You want to be a FAMILY again. Don’t use these times to be a hero, you are going to get VERY HURT here. These are the “games” they play and these are the times. Of course shes going to say yes to your questions, her lifes a mess and getting worse by the day. SHE and I mean SHE has to clean it up, NOT YOU. You’ll use this opportunity to be the hero like I have tried so many times and you will feel good about yourself until…she rips your heart and spits on it…why? Because you couldn’t do the impossible and bring her a real pizza from ITALY. Yes, it will be something off the wall and ridiculous and impossible.
She’ll be back with crusty in jan nice and warm and full of whatever bag of treats she can “Bipolar” off you in 30 days.
Let this chapter explode on crusty not YOU. You stay strong, regroup, get healthy get wealthy get wise and when if ever the words come from her mouth that she might be better off with you??? You’ll get back to her.
Thats good Raan…I dont know what your plans are for her being close to her Mum but you must make that happen, her Mum is ill she needs to be with her as much as she wants too!
Terri sounds down at the moment, I think she would want you to be her hero right now, she needs someone strong!
I KNEW I would get flak for writing after saying what I said to her tonight, but really folks…REALLY…I can tell something has changed in her. She’s like she used to be normally…not quite, but almost.
Mark, in response to your reply….you are CORRECT! I am going to give her an option and leave it in her court.
Let HER do the decision making and asking to come home.
I’m gonna keep quiet on this one 😉
Raan,
I’m trying to be helpful, sorry if I come off alttle harsh. If anything, they are predictable wheather I wanted to face that reality or not, hence my comments and yes, I realize everyone is different. My best recollections of moments that have made a difference have always been the gut wrenching tough times. You save them from those and they never learn, they never realize what they need to do to make a stable relationship, which is their biggest problem, we in fact enable them to stay the way they are. When I was being accused of the most god awful things you could imagine and I had to fix it in her mind and everyone elses I was told by the MH nurses to do nothing. You already know what it takes they do not, it’s almost like parenting a young child.
Either way, I do hope you and sophie the best his holiday season
MARK
U R A CHAMPION …and I for one value your opinions greatly. We here need to realise that this illness creates immense suffering for partners …broken souls & broken hearts trying to overcome the trauma that has become their daily life from a bipolar
I for one know the twisted reality of being blamed , the perceived wrongs that dont even exist, the perverted infidelity that they justify.
The name of this site clarifies how someone felt after their experience with a BP and at the end of the day it is not too unreasonable to question wether they do indeed have any feelings for their partner at all ??
regards Bittersweet
Whew..what a night. terri wants to come here tomorrow..stay for a few days. see how it goes. We bartered about what we both wanted. I took a VERY non emotional – unattached, like I could take it or leave it approach. I think I am going to see what happens…it will only cost me 40bucks to see…I told her I was broke. We probably talked for an hour or two…laughs…very “friendly” and not too demanding from my end.
those that care the least control the relationship.
I am taking this like a “fuck buddy” approach…no strings…just have a good time.
She is “sneaking” away…not telling Ditsy…
They are having problems. She kicked the wall right before my second late call back to her.I asked why was she upset…he was at Family gathering seeing some Family members and didn’t want to talk with her…made her mad.
That’s key. She wants what she can’t have to some degree.
SO, I’m not going to be all into her this week (she and the kids are spending the rest of the week here???)
CERTAINLY, I DO NOT trust her.
She said it best…I need a vacation. I’ll let her come down, and let her take Sophie back with her and it will save me the gas money of having to take Sophie back Sunday anyway…win-win…
I know I am going to hear about this from you folks.
BELIEVE me…I am aware of what I am doing…and will not be sucked into DRAMA. I’m going to just be friends with benefits and lots of protection!
She tried saying NO SEX…I laughed and so did she…RIGHHHHHT. I know she will put out if I push the right buttons. She tried to say no hanky panky and I just kept laughing.
We DID talk about starting over…with “boundries” and what each person can expect.
Caught her lying to me a few times…I let it go. I know she can’t be trusted. I KNOW there is a risk here…
I am going to just take it with a grain of salt…mentioned that I may not be as lovey dovey as I used to be…THAT made her say, well, just forget it then….I said-OH! You know you want to come down…you’re the one that brought it up…she caved right back in….she wants to be in control.
I am going to remain objective and not give a crap other than see my kids and have fun…INCLUDING ME!
I hope she makes it with out taking my money and saying I changed my mind. (subtract it from child support if so)
If I fix her tire, it comes out of child support MARK.
Am I a fool people???
I think I got a handle on this, I really do.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
I still can back out
BTW, she DID mention that she LIKES Ditsy…doesn’t care if she bails on him to see me…so am I to expect the same treatment? probably.
Told me that she loves me….
Told me that she wants to take it slow at first…see what happens..come down and see if we get along…comes back again if we do…
Sounds like she wants something…CHRISTMAS for the kids perhaps….???/
I told her I was broke a number of times.
She didn’t seem to be bothered by this, but DID mention do I get a shopping allowance if we get back together? she cracks me up.
I am NOT stupid nor all wrapped up into like I used to be. She is hoping I am, but it isn’t going to ever be the same again. I KNOW THIS. She is going to find out she messed up leaving but it’s okay. I am not interested in a pound of flesh….just have a good time and see how it goes…get some and see ya. Spend time with the kids…
Good approach?
been thinking about what you have said in all of your replies to me Mark…I hear and understand what you have told me….very well.
In fact, I am so appreciative of ALL of your comments people.
I’m waiting for you all to biatch slap me to no end…I know…I know….
I WILL BE VERY VERY CAREFUL!!!
IF anyone here thinks that I should NOT do this…PLEASE speak up pronto and let me know why (the obvious, I know…besides that)!!!!
Thanks. I know you all care about what happens to me. i will do my best NOT to fall into a trap here….
It’s NOT too late to cuss me out and explain why I’m being dumb if that’s what you people think…
I have to try and see what happens here I think.
Just NOT let myself get sucked in….well, non sexually!
double bag it !!!!
Raan, I have nothing to say about what you are doing if you want it to work you have to see her, the only thing I will say as is in my case and what I believe blew the whole thing out of the water is….. DON’T SLEEP WITH HER!!
Get your life sorted first, don’t kid yourself you will have a friend with benefits, keep the emotions in check or you will hurt, you will go back to stage one again and remember how that felt….confusion, despair, you couldn’t understand what was happening….enjoy your days together with your family and her…..
Two things you should keep away from her until you are more on a level…..sex and money!!
You want her to want you…. not either of the above to satisfy her for the short term!!
mark said in a recent post…
when if ever the words come from her mouth that she might be better off with you??? You’ll get back to her.
she said them….and more.
am i getting back to her too quick? it’s the only way that she says she can come without it being too hard on scheduling her coming this week….
load of BS I think…she just wants a vacation from the stress that her and dusty are having…but like I said…I am NOT the hero here. just having some no strings fun and see what happens. NO attached feelings…NO emotional “oh, baby…let’s start over crap from me…JUST fun and light hearted. can I do it without getting all wrapped up in her? I think so.
You cant Raan…..oh yes, at the moment you think you can, I have done the exact same thing….no strings fun….it doesnt work…..YOU LOVE THIS LADY….YOU CANT HAVE NO STRINGS FUN!!
lastly (for now) MARK wrote:
Which is what she is going to do in the next month and leave you TWICE as devastated as today.
Look, friend. I know you desprately want her back. You want to be a FAMILY again. Don’t use these times to be a hero, you are going to get VERY HURT here. These are the “games” they play and these are the times. Of course shes going to say yes to your questions, her lifes a mess and getting worse by the day. SHE and I mean SHE has to clean it up, NOT YOU. You’ll use this opportunity to be the hero like I have tried so many times and you will feel good about yourself until…she rips your heart and spits on it…why? Because you couldn’t do the impossible and bring her a real pizza from ITALY. Yes, it will be something off the wall and ridiculous and impossible.
She’ll be back with crusty in jan nice and warm and full of whatever bag of treats she can “Bipolar” off you in 30 days.
———————————————————–
Seriously, I DO get this…It’s not going to go like this…
I will NOT let it go like this…promise. This excerpt speaks VOLUMES!!! I imagine that she will NOT want to stay. I understand she will probably just go back to Crusty…
I am not spending a bunch of money (i don’t have any anyway right now) on her. I made this clear. She said okay every time I made it clear too.
When they come back they say OK to everything and anything….they promise the world, they will be with you forever, they are going to sort their lives out, they are going to settle with you, they love you….the list is endless Raan I have heard every word that can be printed and you want to believe it so much, your head gets taken over with the emotion of it all, dont kid yourself that if you get close it wont happen….IT WILL!!
I never blame them, I know its an illness and they think and even believe what they are saying their selves but it draws you in and long after they have gone and they have forgotten what they said, you WILL REMEMBER!!
I did it time and time again and every time I wanted to try it a different way, I wanted to sort us first and leave out the emotion and I never did and it never worked and now I dont think it ever will…..
wishing
dont give up …he still loves you
he is a good man , just full of fear for a relationship ..his routine is paramount
regards Bittersweet
Thank you…..maybe he does, he once said….when normal, I like to believe….”it has always been you, you should never forget that, I want everything, I just cant handle it!
…..thing is I cant handle it either!! xx
just woke up to make a piece of toast….dang. Wishing, now i am not so sure i should have her come down….I feel i can keep my feelings in check, but you have a good point.
back to catcha few zzz’s more
So many hurtful memories is where I’m at. The happy smileling pictures she posted on fb after trashing me. Forever etched in my mind. Sick or not don’t tell me it was not meant to be hurtful.
Atta girl bitterbabe its called self respect. Witb out it we are nothing.
I think we, as (ex) partners of people with BP feel validated through the sense of ‘saving’ these people. Like, it gives us a sense of being important, by being ‘the only one who accepts them unconditionally’… in reality, we are getting more out of it than we want to admit, I think – so how unconditional is it really? Not saying it’s a bad thing – but part of us must need the destruction. I also think the media makes bipolar tendencies much too interesting. In movies the ‘torn’ person, is always the likeable character, but it’s not realistic – because in the movie, there usually is a happily ever after – in real life, there isn’t.
Bipolar is for life – it is not something we can fix. Ever. We cannot save the person we love… we simply can’t, nor is it our place.
I think we’re all very intelligent people who would score extremely high on an IQ as well as an EQ test. I think part of our curse is that we understand too much. We realize the disease and can see it as a seperate entity from the person we love. However, it isn’t completely seperate. I mean, society at one point decided to make a reference for ‘normal’, and because BP behaviors aren’t in the normal category, they are sick. It is still their brain chemistry, as much as our behavior is caused by our brain chemistry. Yes, they are sick – but the things they do to us, the pain they constantly put us through… is not excusable because they are sick – the sickness is who they are, therefore it is THEM hurting us, not just a disease. It’s way too easy excusing their behavior like that.
I wonder if maybe all of us were abandoned in some shape or form in our childhood? I myself for example was adopted (so, rejection by birthparents) and then raised in a cold loveless family (second rejection)… I sometimes wonder if maybe I go for these people who need help, because I long to feel needed? But isn’t it only fair, that I can need someone as well?
I think we’re all a little broken. And we know very well that being in a relationship with a BP person, is going to be hurtful and traumatizing, over and over again. The thing is, if we decided that it is worth it, that this is how we want to experience love. Then that is fine – there is no judgment, we choose our experiences and there essentially is no wrong or right, or black and white.
I do love him though, so much. And I don’t know if I should… it’s so confusing. I wonder if I can distance myself enough… probably not – not yet.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the bipolar one, being dragged in and out of these moods. I have this whole relationship setlist with him: The Fray – how to save a life (wanting to save him so bad, but realizing it might not be on me) – Blue October, Italian Radio (I’m done, please stay away) – Concrete Blonde, Joey (I love you, I’ll give you one more chance, I understand) – Pink, Long way to happy (my own trauma).
I’m sorry for all my rambling, I just had to get all these thoughts out of my head for a bit… I think you’re all wonderful and strong and special and I hope I didn’t offend anyone.
Mary, we have covered the abandonment issue previously, several of us have been badly let down by our parents, so you are correct!!
As for “society” at one point deciding to make a reference for ‘normal’ and because BP behaviors aren’t in the normal category, they are sick??……this is an issue I have considered many times!
BP’s have a tendency to be promiscuous but it is only society that has made us think we should stay/sleep with one person, who is to say whether this is “normal” or not?
Many “normal” people sleep with lots of other people, it may not be right for us all but they dont see anything wrong with it, it is not considered “sick” to attend an orgy?
BP’S go on spending rampages, how many of us have not done that in the past to give ourselves that high…manic feeling…..did you not feel “normal” when doing so?
They have extreme feelings, that is different to us, it makes them VERY happy, it makes them VERY sad, they are scared of commitment because commitment to someone opens your heart to being hurt and hurt is a feeling they can not cope with, we have all been hurt and look how devastated we feel….
Yes I know it looks like sometimes they dont seem to have any feelings or care for anyone but themselves and that is still their brain chemistry, as much as our behavior is caused by our brain chemistry. Sometimes in their minds you are hurting them….. Yes, they are sick – but anyone who has been at the bottom of that deep hole, with no idea how to climb to the top will understand!!
…..and yes, it is still down to choices…you choose whether you want to be in this persons life, you cant fix it, you can try to lay down boundaries but if you choose to be in a Bipolars life then you really should accept them as they are and not try to change them!!
Amen. So true. This whole thread is making me feel less crazy, and I like how that feels!
Only time will tell where things might go from here… all I can do is follow my heart, and as you put it: “set boundaries” if I choose to keep him in my life.
I offered a open relationship to my xbp and she refused. Said she wanted to be exclusive only me and her. Mary said she offered the same. They lie. And they try to hurt you as bad as they can when they no longer need you to comfort them.
That too, is true – when I talked to my ex-bp the other night (because after he dumped me in a cruel way, he said he would call me once the next day. And he loves his image of ‘man of his word’, so he would never break his own obvious simple promises), he even admitted for a split second that maybe he was trying to piss me off, so I would dump him. As I mentioned earlier; I brief moment of clarity, before he went back up in his delusional clouds.
Yes Lost, I too said to my Ex “would you like us to be with other people too” he replied ” No Babe…..I dont do sharing” I think what he meant was he wasnt going to share me BUT I was going to have to share him…..lol
BUT…… having said that, he made the “choice” to leave me several times and I made the “choice” not to sit around waiting for him and even though he said “it was always me….” he was sharing!!
I have never tried to change him, I have never blamed him, I have never sat around waiting for him…..he knows I am here, he knows I understand him, he knows I love him…..its his CHOICE!!
That is very true lost… I really really felt like that but could never accept it fully…. could u ever have imagined it at the time?… when you held her heart in ur eyes… all those times u could just see the love she felt for u was right there in her eyes?… could u ever have imagined that she was a liar and she would hurt you as bad as she could when she no longer needed ur comfort?…
wow u put it so well
terri called this morning…I was half asleep. She said you wanted me to call you???
No mention she was stil coming down. i asked her to call me back in a bit…she said she would try…
huh
RAAN, this is an except written by a Bipolar person when in depression, this is how they try to get through each day….
I start waking up later. At first it doesn’t slip by much, just 10-15 minutes. But after a few days I may be getting up as late as half hour to an hour later than usual. Then when I wake up, I feel slow, as if I haven’t gotten enough sleep, although I have gotten 6-8 hours of sleep. Or sometimes even more.
It also becomes more difficult to follow my usual morning schedule of getting changed and getting out of the house. I often leave the house late, with some regular morning tasks undone, and often in more disarray than usual.
It becomes harder to do things. I know what I have to do, but I just can’t seem to take the next step and actually do it. For example, I might know I have to put the garbage out, but I just can’t get around to actually doing it.
I would see a set of books to put away, but there would be no true connection between the mess and the need to clean it up. I might understand in an abstract distant way that the two should be linked, but I still don’t actually link them together in any concrete terms of desire or need or obligation.
It’s not laziness or forgetfulness – it’s more like the idea of taking action keeps slipping out of my mind immediately after I think of it.
Alternatively, immediately after I think about doing something, I feel an equal impulse not to do it. It’s not that I don’t think I should do the task, it just feels as my body / mind is rebelling, and often it feels as if my chest or muscles tense up in refusal.
It becomes harder and harder to understand the task I am currently doing, and what the next step should be. My attention doesn’t wander – I just can’t figure out what is going on. It’s as if my intelligence level starts falling.
This affects even the day to day tasks that I can usually do effortlessly. They start to feel very difficult and if I can get away with it, I’ll put off whatever I’m doing until tomorrow. This inability to concentrate will affect any work or studying that you are doing.
Any decision becomes harder to make, from complex issues at work to simple things like whether to go to the supermarket this evening. Very often I waver back and forth on what to do and usually I tend to put off making any decisions at all. Or if I have to do something, I’ll take the path of least resistance.
For example, if I’m driving home, I’ll keep on changing my mind on whether to stop off at the supermarket (or the drug store, or the dry cleaners, or to visit a friend) until I pass it – and then decide I won’t go today. At office, I’ll put of decisions until the next day.
I forget things. If I realise I have to do something, I might forget about it within minutes. I might have something to do this evening and realise tomorrow that I forgot completely about it. I may have to meet someone tomorrow and forget about the meeting until they call to find out where I am.
There is no rhyme or reason for the forgetting. And I can’t say I’ll write it down because either I won’t or I’ll forget to look at my reminder list. Really. This happens.
As you can imagine, this can create havoc at work, and upsets friends whom you have stood up.
…..and as they fall deeper into depression:
My self confidence falls drastically. I don’t feel as if I will ever succeed in anything.
The loss of self confidence is not just because things are going wrong – it seems to be an intrinsic part of the depression itself. But like all parts of depression, the two pieces feed upon each other. You won’t do something because you don’t feel confident to do it, and then not doing it lowers your self confidence even more.
My self confidence usually fails to the point that I don’t like seeing myself in a mirror. I try not to look in one, and when I do look, I do not see myself in the mirror, just a face that had no particular meaning to me.
I start losing a clear sense of identity or who I am. I feel as if I am acting in public all the time, or putting on “a public face,” or wearing a shell which does all the chatting and smiling, when all I feel like doing is staying at home and not talking to people.
It’s quite an effort to pretend to act like normal in public, but nobody seems to notice how fake my actions are. Which somehow makes me feel worse.
I begin to feel slightly lightheaded all the time. Everything feels as if it were a bit distant or dreamlike. I see and understand everything that is going on around me and will have a coherent discussion if someone asks me anything, but I don’t feel completely connected – as if everything around me isn’t quite happening to me.
Other people can notice this sense of disconnection – someone who talks to me will feel as if I am not paying attention or as if they are talking to someone who is not completely there. I’ve been told that this can be extremely disconcerting or very annoying.
I get anxious and nervous dealing with people. I feel as if everybody is going to accuse me of some little thing I did wrong, or shout at me. I feel as every little thing I do is being judged and that I am going to be criticised for doing it stupidly. I feel as if I ask for help or a favour I will be turned down or laughed at.
It doesn’t matter whether I’m at work requesting information from someone else, or if I am asking a friend if they want to go to the movies this afternoon. It doesn’t matter if I actually did something wrong or if I am doing a favour for someone, and it doesn’t matter if what is being discussed is important or trivial or silly. I always feel as if I am going to be yelled at.
There is no logic or sense to these feelings – the sensation comes from inside me, not from what is actually happening. As a result I send to avoid calling people or answering my phone, or even opening letters.
I stop talking much with friends and family or I don’t attend any social functions, even if I have told people I would go. I beg off at the last minute or I simply don’t show up.
This is a combination of three things – nervousness in dealing with people, the inability to think make decisions and the sheer inability to get things done.
I tend to want to break off relationships. I feel that the relationships are too much work, or that I am not good enough to be in one, or that I don’t have the energy to spare to cope with a relationship while the rest of my life is failing.
Ok so that explains how this guy feels during his depression the whole while he’s telling you he basically don’t give a rats ass about anything. He feels like doing stuff but he don’t do anything. That’s sad. Now give us the flip side of skip. Do you have the manic part? Let’s read where this toad is swinging from his dick and the life of the party with his nose up each passing skirt. At first I felt bad reading this stuff. And then it hit like a brick. This guy just don’t give two shits about anything or anyone.yeah I know I’m a cruel heartless prick. Well looks like she may not get that christmas text I was going to send her lmfao the bitch 😉
Ooooh……SOMEONE NEEDS A HUG…. 😉 XX
OK, LOST….Just for you, the guy swinging from his unmentionable parts….during mania!!
I feel great! My energy level rises and anything I want to do, I just do. I feel confident about my decisions. Nothing is problematic – I can fix anything. I feel good about myself and I’m happy. I have the best of all possible lives.
This is like the feeling you get when you’ve just successfully pulled off a great project. Except it stays with us all the time. And it’s wonderful – if I could have this feeling all the time, I would.
I’m charismatic. I can persuade people to follow my lead. I can see what needs to be done and will take charge in a group. I have no problems being the chair of an organisation or committee – and will volunteer for the post.
If I’m out partying, I’m a centre of attention. I have no problems chatting with strangers, and I can always pick up someone if I wanted to.
I’m your best date – thoughtful, funny, romantic, willing to do unusual or wildly silly things for you. You’ll probably get poetry too – I have a way with words. My world revolves around you.
I’m extravagant. I want the best things, and I’m willing to pay for them. Show me the newest shiniest baubles and persuade me to buy them. I will. And price doesn’t matter.
All my muscles become tight and tense. It is particularly noticeable in my jaw muscles and in the shoulder muscles just below my neck because they can become painful, but I often also feel as if my chest muscles are tightening up as if I am getting ready to hold my breath. The jawline tension can also feel like a nasty headache.
My other muscles are affected too, in fact before I was diagnosed, my muscles used to be so tense so often that I never realised that they were tense. When I took medication for the first time, they all relaxed probably for the first time in years.
My heartbeat feels as if it has sped up – though the one time that I used a heart rate monitor to check, my heart rate was the same as normal. The apparent increase in heart rate combined with the tense muscles can be mistaken as feeling excited, or being enthusiastic, or feeling that something you have to do is urgent.
Alternatively, the sense that your heart is racing plus the sensation that you chest muscles are tense so that you are holding your breath can make you feel as if as if you are panicking. Unfortunately, depression can cause a real panic attack so you need to be able to distinguish between the two. The way to do that is to compare the other sensations you are having to see which matches up better.
I get twitchy. I shake my feet or tap my hand on the table if I am not paying attention. I may get spasms in my shoulders for no reason, or feel as if my chest area is clenching for a second or so.
Driving becomes difficult and hazardous. I overreact to oncoming or overtaking vehicles and often overcompensate by swerving out of the way. I am distracted by all the cars whizzing by and by things that I pass by.
My memory failure makes it difficult keep a mental picture of traffic around me. At intersections, if I look for cars in one direction, by the time I check the other direction I have forgotten if there are oncoming cars from the first direction.
I don’t feel like going to sleep. I have all this energy and I can go until 3 am without feeling drowsy or muzzy headed. And then I’ll get up at 6:30 am feeling perfectly refreshed.
Physical activities requiring full muscle movements (cycling, running, swimming, lifting weights) becomes much easier. When I am manic I have lifted weights weighing nearly one and a half as much as I usually can, swam twenty lengths more than normal, and ran a circuit 15% faster than my standard best time.
In addition, while I am doing all this extra exercise, it feels easier than when I am exercising normally. And any usual aches or pain from accidents don’t bother me as much – they are just not important.
At the same time, activities requiring fine motor control in my hands become difficult. Tying shoelaces requires concentration so I tend to prefer stuff without laces. Shaving becomes difficult, so I used to leave my beard to grow. Picking up or putting down stuff can become a bit spastic, and can be really irritating.
Handwriting gets erratic and I have difficulty signing my name. In fact I have four separate handwriting styles, normal, slightly manic, pretty manic, and depressed. They don’t look too much like each other. I do get called into the bank frequently to update my signature.
I tend to feel jittery, as if my hands are shaking, but if I hold them up to check them, I seem to be able to hold them steady.
Speech speeds up, and often can become unintelligible to others (as noticed usually by people asking “what?”). The speech also gets louder – I’ve often been told I’m talking too loudly.
I also get verbally twitchy. I talk to myself, repeating the words to myself. Usually it is quiet, but it’s also fairly common for someone to ask me if I was speaking to them.
Usually both the physical twitchiness and verbal twitchiness are not intense and I can damp them down when I recognise it is happening.
Language becomes a toy to play with rather than a workman’s tool of communication. I can churn out limericks within minutes on anything that is happening around me.
My poetry comes out fully formed in a burst lasting from two to less than twenty minutes and needs no fine tuning or rewriting.
There is a tendency when speaking to have sentences trail off without finishing them. More frequently, I would be in the midst of a sentence and forget the next word or phrase I wanted to say.
Indeed I forget all the words I need to use to show the point I was trying to make. I would be able to visualise what I want to say, but not be able to think how to say it.
I get the intense urge to do stupid or silly things to people, even if I know it will irritate them. I will say inappropriate jokes or comments, or try to poke / tickle people, or interrupt others in the middle of their conversation, or butt into conversations I am not a part of.
I am known as a nice guy but somewhat socially inept on occasion.
The hardest part is that I know that these things are not socially acceptable, but I won’t be able to help myself. In one case I sent an e-mail to someone apologising for rude limerick I was sending, even as I sent it. But I couldn’t stop myself.
I may get very expansive and generous to all people. I happily say hello to strangers in the street. I smile at the things people do. I go out of my way to be helpful, even involving myself in conversations that I am no part of.
It’s a bit like the bonhomie one gets when one is somewhat drunk.
I have difficulty being in a crowd. Every thing that happens catches my attention and I get so confused trying to see and listen to everything simultaneously that I can’t focus on the conversation with the person in front of me.
If the crowd is in good spirits, I pick up the mood and magnify it so that I may become to the most boisterous, funny, witty, daring, person present. I can be either the life of the party or the clown. A family gathering is a big enough crowd for all the problems to appear.
I react to incidents way out of proportion to what is needed, either by becoming too excited, or too angry, or too happy, or too anxious.
This is perhaps not a bad thing with the good emotions, but with the negative emotions – particularly anger and anxiety – I can escalate arguments or turn simple incidents into major ones.
I get irritated about the smallest things. I argue with waiters. I get annoyed with store clerks. I quarrel with the telephone operators. I get short tempered with my friends and my family. I argue about truly petty things at home. I even quarrel because I may find things aren’t being done quickly enough to suit me.
Combine this with the tendency to escalate incidents and I am not pleasant to be around when I’m manic. I seem to be involved in an argument all the time and I can easily become loud and vicious and say mean and cruel things.
Although I rarely get physically abusive, the threat that I will hit or do something mean frequently seems to hang in the air.
I get easily confused or distracted if I have more than one thing to do. Everything become equally urgent and I find myself swapping between doing 5 things at once (and getting none done adequately). I cannot concentrate enough to do one thing because I feel I need to get everything done now!
One of most obvious ways I notice this is I start walking back and forth between two locations to get two things done simultaneously.
The actual urgency of the tasks or the amount of time I have left to do the tasks aren’t important – I just feel as if I’m not going to finish in time.
And often, when I finish them all and I realise I still have three hours left, I feel odd, as if I was pushing against a hurricane wind and it has stopped and I’ve fallen flat.
Productivity can soar as I think more clearly, move faster, get more things done. This happens in the early stages of mania. Unfortunately, as the mania becomes more pronounced, this feeling degenerates to…
I get ideas on all the things I want to do. Good ideas. I think this is what the standard texts mean by grandiose ideas, but it doesn’t manifest as “grandiose.” Just good ideas and lots and lots of them.
The number of things I am thinking of can get so numerous and intense that they can halt any functionality I have as I sit down and think on them instead of getting ahead with what I have to do.
I will suddenly decide to start a lot of projects in a one or two day period in the desire to put into action all the good ideas I am having. However, very few of the projects I start will be followed through or finished.
There is a strong tendency to volunteer to be in action groups, committees, or to be take a key role in some project.
Studying is difficult. I cannot read documents or write papers because I cannot concentrate. After a few minutes I want to get up and walk around, or I sit and think of unrelated things, or I get excited and head into grandiose ideas.
It’s not that I don’t want to study, it’s that I can’t.
Alternatively, I can get focused on one project almost to the exclusion of everything else. I visualise with crystal clarity what needs to be done and I can’t wait to get back to working on the project.
I may even stay at work until late hours or at home until the wee hours of the morning to work on the project.
I take time off other tasks, even important ones, to finish the project. Other work suffers and paperwork from them pile up on my desk. Activities outside work and relationships may suffer.
If there are other persons working on the project, I become impatient with their slowness or inability to understand how the project needs to go. I quarrel with others. Given half a chance I take over even though this might not be the most diplomatic thing to do.
Memory about facts or items fail. I can’t remember dates, names of things, or when I met people, or telephone numbers. I often can’t remember activities that I have done unless strongly reminded. I forget things I have to do, appointments, etc.
This also happens when I am depressed, and may be a general bipolar problem.
When I do sleep, I get vivid realistic full colour dreams. I feel as I am actually living these dreams as if they are real life. In real life, sometimes I’m not certain if my memories are from real life or from one of these dreams.
My hands and skin feel warmer and I seem to radiate more body heat. I don’t know if this is because my body temperature (or metabolism) increases, or if circulation in my skin increases.
It appears that I become more resistant to becoming ill. This is mostly anecdotal as it is difficult to document.
I get major carbohydrate (not sugar) cravings. Bread, rice, and pasta are wonderful. Or, I don’t feel like eating at all.
Cant load this page from my crackberry anymore its too big… may have to try a new string soon… I need a hug real real bad wish 🙂
My mind is all twisted up and changed since I got her pics off my phone off my computer and the last few stored away.. stored away a few text also incase I am in the mood to torcher myself 😉
Things are falling back into place now I think.. I dont hate anyone I just read into them a little different now. I swear i may have punched that guy we read about in the face one night 🙂
I know how bad it is and I also realize whether we think or thought we can handle this stuff.. All of these partners of ours have different degrees of the illness.. like panda once told me.. I pulled into disfunction junction almost the worst he heard about with wacked out momma and a demonic 12 yr old who will kill you in your sleep.. 🙂 I think we move through different stages of recovery.. Me and Bitterbabe seem to be around the same point.. The newest of my attentions told me today she almost married a bipolar firemen once.. The way she puts it seemed very simple and kinda funny.. She said he did lots of stupid things and was just too silly for her to take and that was that.. simple lol.. wow I hope some of that rubs off on me..so simple and easy..ya got to love a girl like that 🙂
Lost…that is the key, I believe I have coped better than some of you have, its not a fault on your part, it doesnt mean I have been hurt any less or loved him any less than you did your partners, it just means some of us take things easier…..more simple if you like!!
For me, it happened, I dont want to change it, I am glad it happened, it was just another chapter in my life!!
When you cant change things, when people are not what you wanted or expected then you either make the best of it or you move on, YES, you hurt and you feel cheated, you feel as someone has done you wrong but you have to accept that, if not you will spend the rest of your life in this state of mind SO you say to yourself….”it happened, I am glad it happened, I have learnt so much through that experience….I had SOME good times” OR you say “it happened, I will never do that again, I had a bad time….but I will move on!”
Your lady is right, you have to accept people for who they are, some are mixed up and sick, some are evil and bad, some are good and kind, some are simple and funny….SOME ARE BIPOLAR!!
I would like it if you look back and think “I am glad it happened, I had some good times” BECAUSE I think this helps!! 🙂
Find someone to HUG today Lost….make the first move and see how they respond….xx
I think you are exactly right in this post, I couldn’t agree more.
We can accept each person as they are, but we also have the personal freedom to decide whether or not we move on from certain toxic situations. If it is truly what you feel you deserve, then by all means continue. If it makes you unhappy, let go, detach yourself somewhat and start rebuilding your life without them. There is not wrong or right, no judgment, only what is right for you.
And the best way to move on definitely is to appreciate and cherish the wonderful things your ex-partner has given you, the lessons you learned and the memories your share. The things are never lost, but eternal.
Thank you Mary…..
Life is not about getting through the storms its about learning to dance in the rain!! 🙂
let’s try and be kind people…were it not for their illness’s, wouldn’t they be ALL THAT and them some to you even more? isn’t because we were so enthralled with ’em right from the get go we’re on here because we miss them so?
I’ve noticed that fewer people are writing in lately….
EXACTLY RAAN…..JUST WHAT I SAID A HUNDRED POSTS AGO….
….I SAID THEY WERE SPECIAL?
and they are, thats why everyone is here because they were special to you!
Terri is talking like she wants to definitely get back together. I am leery. Mark, where are ya man?
tells me ALL the right things…is it just a ploy?
I think the kid-friend is gone…seems to be anyway. Possibly he dumped her?
Anyone care to comment on the change of heart all of a sudden? You guys know ALL of the facts in my case…
What does anyone care to say about this? I am concerned I am POSSIBLY being playing, although she REALLY sounds like the OLD and LOVING Terri I know and love. Like she always has been BEFORE the episode…
Ok Raan…this is what happened to me 10 weeks ago…
Hadnt seen my bp ex for quite a while, he called said he missed me, said he felt sorted now, said he knew now what he wanted, he wanted us back together, he had been a fool, he loved me, he always had!
This calling went on for about 2 weeks, same words, same sentences, sounded like the man I knew and loved…
We met up, he WAS the man I loved, apologise a 100 times, told me he loved me, wanted me for keeps, for ever, we were going to go here and there, he was going to start a new life, he had it all sorted in his head now, knew what to do to make a good life for us, was going to do so much for my boys, we were all going to live happy ever after, he was never running again…..
Had a lovely weekend together, told me constantly he wanted me he would never hurt me again, I was his Angel…..
…..3 days later he was GONE
…..10 weeks later I am still alone!!
SCARY thought that she could possibly do this, but has he done this multiple times to you…More than 3 or 4???
He has done it twice now….back in January, after I found out he had taken another girl on holiday!! He promised the world then too…but still ran!!
Wishing,
not to discount that this could possibly play out on like it did you, but we have KIDS, and it isn’t as likely she will keep re-rooting them up after a couple of days and bail just like that again i would guess.
Part of the reason that she is not here now is that she wants to finish up Brandon’s school year there and her mom is very il with another surgery coming in feb. 2011….
OR, it’s just a bunch of BS to try and get help from me in one way or another…I am not certain yet.
I’m not all hopeful as I was before – in fact, I am being cautious and reserved.
I won’t let myself get all sucked into a load of crap any more. I am sure it won’t be as good of a relationship as we had before ever again, but I will NOT get hurt like I did ever again either this way.
I hope that she doesn’t pull on me what he did on you nevertheless.
Thanks for the insight.
Yes, Raan you have kids so its harder but still possible!
Its unlikely she will be thinking about the kids, stability is not their strongest point….
My nephews wife is also BP she ran and left behind a 8 month old baby, she was very ill, finally found and eventually sectioned….
Please dont convince yourself she is there for Brandons school or even her Mum, she was there with 17 year old Lusty Dusty….
There are many reasons she is coming back:
1. She loves you?
2. SHE NEEDS YOU…..at this time, on this day!!
3. She has no money!
4. Christmas is coming??
5. Life is hard where she is….she is thinking life will be easy with you!
6. Dusty has gone…..
You know my feelings on Bipolar if you have read my posts, they are ill…..shes not pulling any stunts because she is a nasty, viscous, evil person…she is ill, in her mind and my ex’s they believe what they are saying….
SHE IS WHOEVER SHE IS ON WHATEVER DAY IT IS…..
Tired of the SLOW loading of this page??? MOVE TO:
Mad Matters- My Life with Manic-Depression
http://madmatters.wordpress.com/2010/11/30/from-bad-to-worse/
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same site, different, empty page!!! people from here…move there, k?
WHERE is everybody on here??
Raan is Eddywebb64 now….
I am moving on to the other page because this one took 20min to load. Iv been up since before 3am can’t sleep again. Was talking to the new girl I had met recently. The conversation came around to the people we dated in the past. She had told me once before how she had to walk away from a firemen guy who is bipolar. She told me he was physical abusive to her and had punched her in the face while driving. He then sat and mimicked her crys. He also recently emailed her about getting back together and when she told him she is seeing someone he said that she can cheat on him that the guy would not have to know. These assholes are not special at all. Once the wrapping comes off the gift your left with a booby prize. They know what they do and they know they hurt others and if they knowingly do this and do not seek help then they are wrong. I’m sorry but I have not much sympathy for abusive assholes. If you hit and punch a woman and I see it happen I do not care what retarded disease you have you will have your face broken or a bullet in your head. What attracted me to the bp girl I used to date was my own lack of self esteem. She was pretty and she is successful at her work. She is smart and educated and I was amazed with the stories she would tell about how smart she is. I guess I felt good thinking this extra special person could like me. I recently saw on TV the report on a woman who repeatedly ran her fiance over with her car. She hit him several times dedtroying his body. She is on trial now claiming it was caused by the bipolar and trying to beat this murder charge. Again if she knew she has a problem and she knows she is violent and abusive and hurtful and harmful to other people and still refuses to do anything about it then that is the choice she knowingly made and should suffer the punishment for the crime she commited. They are smart enough to maintain a job work themself through schools. They are able to find and start a relationship with a person they know they are going to hurt. They know all these things but they enjoy there manic bull shit so much that they could care less about anyone else. Yeah they have all these feelings. Only trouble is they feel just for themself. Seeing the big picture now and not liking what that picture is.
I cant find the other page…..where are you all….lol
I know Lost….its demoralising, I text him yesterday just said “hope you are ok?” (weather is really bad here, we are all stranded in our homes!)
I had 2 short replys then I offered to listen if he wanted to have a chat and NOTHING again…..
I believe Bipolar has different extremes as we all have different levels of patience and violence, they are not all alike, my ex is a solider, he has saved many lives and put his own life at risk for others, he is a 3 DAN black belt in Karate and has never hurt or started a fight on anyone and is very against anyone hitting women or children. He has told me he would do the same as you if he saw either being hurt!
BUT HE MADE A CHOICE AND I HAVE MADE A CHOICE….
I am moving on….Bitter and I have discussed this in great depth in the last few days and we are starting again….we have tried, we have offered all we possibly can and now we will find someone new….
As Bitterbabe once said…I am getting over it, I will get over it, I am over it…..what the Fuk what was it anyway??
NOW WHERE ARE YOU ALL??
We are trying to move to a smaller blog that will load faster. Its called:
(Mad Matters)My life with depression..
Why do all these small things she told me keep popping into my head? Like when she told me I’d be calling her a Bitch oneday?
Is it because she knew what she is doing and knowingly hurt me? More and more and with all the things I know and read about tells me they know what they do and they like it. I’ll forgive but I won’t ever forget. How can a big man like that punch such a small and sweet woman in the face and then laugh about it? And my xgf posting those smiling happy pictures of herself after hurting me like that? And telling her its ok to cheat? They know exactly what they do and its inexcusable. I won’t justifye abusive behavior from anyone. Bipolar or not you have the power to walk away and the power of reason. If you are unable to know that hitting someone will hurt them then go jump off a bridge.
Lost, I really think you will get on to a subject here that is not going to be about Bipolar! The world is full of men that hurt women and children ( yes, I know women are out there too!)
Everyday women enter safe houses to get away from abusive husbands/boyfriends, everyday children are taken from their homes into care, everyday some woman is killed after rape or physical abuse somewhere in the world…..they are not all Bipolar!!
Maybe this lovely little lady of yours was unfortunate in her BP’s actions but they are not all the same…..mine has never done anything but treat me with the up most respect when we have been together, his manners far out do any normal man I have ever met, he has never hurt me physically in anyway, he has protected me always, he has taken his coat off and walked home in freezing temps to insure I stay warm and in our personal life he was the most gentle person I have ever come across…..
….and he knows how to kill, with one foul swoop!!
Iv always been hurt when she made up stupid reasons to disappear. But she’s never comimng back on her own and I know if I go after her to find her she may freak. She may come back and freak but she will never be there for me when I need her. So its over. I went from hopeful to hurt to forgivness and now resentment of myself for being so stupid and her for not attempting to do the right thing. Confused ya. I’m going away this weekend way far away into the mountains maybe some fresh air will do the trick.
Good for you…..I am already there I think, the Canadian mountains….lol We have had 12 inches of snow or more…..I used to have a car parked on the drive it has been buried under drifts….our airports are closed and motorways too, no schools, my weekend will be locked in the house with supplies running low, but, wherever we all are, a new year is coming and if ever there was a time for a new start….it now!!
That’s a new start jan 1st I like it 🙂
terri is supposed to be coming to see me earlier than expected tomorrow….we will see.
it’s now going to be a 4 day visit vs. 2 and her and crusty and not getting along so it SEEMS.
he is a control freak and she can’t deal with it, but who knows…she may just be trying to get away and see how much I’ll be willing to give….uh-uhhhhh…nope.
we’ll have fun though without spending a lot.
I laughed at her asking “so, what are we doing this weekend”?? like I have all this money to spend….righhhht.
Keep us posted Raan, here or the other side…..Good luck!!
http://madmatters.wordpress.com/2010/11/30/from-bad-to-worse/
this is where they gone xxxx
OMG…..A SITE THAT SAYS……”FROM BAD TO WORSE”…..NO NO NO!!! LOL
Good morning michelle. You are so cute 🙂
330am here and I’m up again.
All our postings on that other blog have been removed I’m pretty sure? I think the woman who has started that site keeps taking them off. So we will either have to stay here or start a new one.
How are you doing?
I’m starting to feel bad about some of the things I said on here. Its very confusing sometimes.
Oneday I’m pissed off and hurt and the next feeling sorry. We all just wish we could find that magic switch that turns them on and off with there bull shit. Wanting to shake them until they come to there senses. But its against the law to do things like that so we got to let them run away and be idiots. Why can’t they just feel a little bit more about others and not be so wrapped up in themself? Oh well there are plenty of other people out there who are sweet and kind and deserving of our love.
That explains why I couldnt find it…..just move to a small one on here, there are loads of empty ones….
We all have days like that Lost… now you can imagine how they feel?
I spoke to my Ex in the week asked him how he was feeling he replied ” UP AND DOWN Babe, you know me! Quite comical really…..
Dont let the photos bother you Lost, it may not be even be anything to do with you, it could have been for her own benefit, an expression of how she saw herself in her head, stop believing she has the mentality to be so viscous to you, most the time they are just trying to get through each day, I dont believe they do what they do deliberately, remember its not normal thinking!
They are wrapped up in themselves because thats the illness….
…..its all about me, not YOU!!
Its 4am and I will go back to laying in bed thinking stupid thoughts. I’m going away for a day or two and don’t know if my phone will work. Maybe I will just stay up? But when night time comes I’ll be so tired but only sleep a few hrs then I’m up again. Oh well. Tonights a night of regrets. I regret not going out for a beer last night 😉
It’s only natural to feel confused at times, we’re all only human! Our experiences have all been pretty intense I’m sure, so take that time and allow yourself to feel the things you feel.
It’s all part of a healing process, or at least, that’s how I look at it 🙂
I hope you manage to go back to sleep, and get some extra rest! And maybe you’ll grab that beer tonight, lol!
Hope you have a fun weekend!
Lost …& michelle
thatother site sux …i wrote on it and the blog disappeared …this is slow but at least no bitter & twisted individual interfers with us and what we say
am with you on this Lost some days are like oh well glad thats over , next day is what the shit happened , and then dismay at how long ago it was that you saw this so called lover who didnt even say goodbye …very strange these bipolar nerds very odd indeed..
one day they love u with all their heart the next they wont even answer your text or your phone call
what is that …Mark said play the game but there arent even any goal posts to kick between ..talk about moving the goal posts would be easier than this torture ..good luck Raan is al I gotta say 🙂
kind regards bittersweet
Lost those pics she put up on facebook after she broke it off with you am very concerned about , you have mentioned them so often am sure they have traumatised you in some way ..I know what it is like to be traumatised in this way …its bad enough when they stick the knife in nut then to twist it now thats not good at all
I can omly imagine that they have no idea what the hell they do to hurt someone at this level ..and if you look at it you are the one who comes out on top because u did nothing wrong and hse made it public how she felt . that is cruel but not beyond the scope of what they see fit …somehow u have got to change her faces into perspective …so they stop haunting you …am sorry this has happened to you my beautiful friend u r the most brilliant man Lost she is a fool believe me
regards Bitter
Bittersweet, Lost, Michelle, Raan, Mary… everyone,
I am so glad you guys are here for me. I read your posts with anticipation and I wish you all happiness, peace and love. I wish I could make the love of your lives come back to you. I know what that means to you because I know what it means to me. It’s the big love that got away. The real thing, lost. In response to what you said Bittersweet, about why they loved us once and then suddenly stopped responding to us or cut us out of their lives, I have done so much thinking, researching and soul searching and this is what I have come up with. Their bipolarity actually creates two personas within their personality: the one that loves us and the one that doesn’t love us. It’s like they have a split personality. The Roman God Janus, who had two faces, one on the front (happy) and one on the back (angry) was probably a portrayal of a bipolar person. The hateful one is gone from us. The trouble is that when they come back to being the nice person, they might meet someone else…. or since they also have memory problems and emotional stuntedness brought on by the lithium and other emotion stunning medications they take, as well as the alcohol they drink to suppress symptoms, they have a hard time coping with appropriate feelings and behaviours.
If they weren’t messed up they would be with us, or with someone else for the long term, but they are not.
I am still waiting for mine to call me or email me. He has been silent since the middle of June. I have tried calling and he doesn’t answer or he just hangs up when he hears my voice. I have given up. I figure he doesn’t want me, but then reading your similar posts, I feel that maybe, just maybe one day his nice side will wake up and remember me and contact me. I love the nice side of him. He is like no other person I have ever met: kind, funny, intellectual, intelligent, caring. His nasty side is cold, sarcastic, mean and stubborn. It’s like they are two completely separate people. Indeed their brain chemistry is probably creating this split individual.
What everyone seems to forget and I know its easy to do when your partner is acting so “normal” is that people diagnosed with “Bipolar” have a mental illness…..they didnt bring this on themselves, they didnt wake one morning and think “I will go out today and piss off as many people as I can” or “I will cause hurt and destruction wherever I go until I have no friends, no lovers and maybe no family!”
They get up wondering if they can hold down a job and get dressed quick enough to get there and in the light of what’s happening have I brought milk and fed the cat or is he dead somewhere!!
They are ill….years ago when it was called “MANIC DEPRESSION” and the media showed you pics of knife welding manics and men in white coats taking away people who could no longer cope with their lives and had to be sectioned into mental hospitals did anyone consider there behaviour was normal….NO
And now medical profession has progressed and meds are available to make these poor peoples lives better all of a sudden we are forgetting what they have to cope with too, they do want a normal life but dont know how to get it or if they get it cant keep hold of it!!
I personally think they do what they do to try to have a normal life like the rest of us but its their minds that differ from ours and they do things that are not the “norm”.
We all have to accept this, we started a relationship with our loved ones, we must accept what they have and what they have done….YES, it hurts but we can pick ourselves up and move on….they cant….oh YES, they can move on but to the same old thing……
Well I was supposed to leave at 6am it now 8am.so I’m gonna be a little late. Sometimes I am haunted by the look in her eyes. This was supposed to be a happy time. It was her idea to post our relationship on fb. Told me its going to be us forever she will never hide anything from me and I am all she ever needs. Me for her and her for me. Then the first picture was like a mom would look at a child who was doing something bad. Peircing eyes that made me wonder what I did wrong. I hadent done anything wrong at all. A few days of ducking and weaving I knew she was starting to look for a reason but like always I held her off by twisting situations into different forms and hand them to her on a platter she could not make adjustments to. But I gave in from mentel exhaustion and stepped into the mine field. Then she dumped me and posted the most cruel laughing smile and again it was in her eyes. Its always been in her eyes for me. I could see the love or the hate in her eyes. When I meet a new woman now I always focuse on her eyes. Never the entire face or person only those eyes. And I know why I due this. I am profiling these people looking to find my girl. I want and need to be with someone who will replace the soul that was lost to me in her eyes. And its so hard because I cannot find her. I wish sometimes I had never met her at all. I will always have those eyes in my mind and I know its not right but I keep looking to find my match in the eyes of another. She can be a beauty and if the profile don’t match those damn eyes then I cannot connect.
I’m going now. Talk to you guys in a day or two. I hope I don’t abandon this pretty and houghtful woman I’m going to see.
So do I Lost….you need to move on!
I too have been told all the most wonderful things in the world ( but as a woman, we tend not to believe most the crap men come out with anyway!!lol )
Just start again, new year LOST remember….
Dont let all these new people that come into your life go, they could be the one, give people a chance….
Have a lovely weekend, I hope it all goes so well, look forward to hearing about it on Monday!! x
someone please try posting on here – please try as i have set it up – its brand spanking new lol xxxx
Nobodys able to start a new thread here that says “do Bp have feelings Part2? After 950 posts
or our new blog – upto you. this one takes so long to load xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The complete disregard for those around you, especially those you say you love, your absolute self-absorption is by definition SOCIOPATHIC.
I was married to an untreated BiPolar woman for 17 years. We had a 23 year relationship.. no abuse, no violence. She used false DV charges to get her separation & custody. She is now taking SSRIs but neglects our children constantly.
She was untreated but this condition was known for over 2 decades (actually I have proof of teenage diagnostic). The maternal family still denies they have this, which was so annoying that I photographed all of their prescriptions. That denial of reality my dear is PSYCHOTIC.
Rather than admit mental health issues these women operate in complete paranoid denial. These women are now attempting Parental Alienation with my children.
The latest genetic analysis (2010 out of New Zealand) shows an overlap of some 30,000 alleles (DNA markers) which are common between BiPolar & Schizophrenia. This becomes apparent during extreme manic cycles with some BiPolars. They should be in straight jackets.
So in answer to your question: Do bipolar people have feelings? The answer is NO. From the outside analysis, from a non-BiPolar viewpoint, you people do not have mental processes which we can attribute to any feelings as we understand them to be. You do not have too many, your brains are like a computer with a zombie virus.
BiPolar people operate presenting a complete fraud of normal / typical cognitive processes. When the simulation is finally detected, what is uncovered is monstrous & toxic. You people are vile & should be shunned. I know you.
I know you. Please come over to our other page. We started a new blog because this page is too big and we were having trouble loading it. I think its called *Michelle Do bipolar people have feelings part 2. If you cannot find it that way try scrolling up this page. There should be a link to it on this page. Ssri will be of interest to the people there. They need to hear what your thoughts are on this.
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