“do bipolar people have feelings”

5 Feb

Jebbus…..what the hell do you think?

I know my reaction is knee jerk “do you think us monsters?”, and that isn’t the point.

I know that many people, including my long suffering husband, have been hurt by this disease, this ragged excuse for a mentality. When we rage-we rage hard. Mogo has been on the receiving end of many s screaming fit-angers so vivid that it’s a good thing the “Will and Word” doesn’t exist. My body would shudder, and quake, and it took all of my control to not strike out at him. Our walls still hold the reminders of this violence.

We have feelings. The problem is, we have too many. While you feel an aching sadness at the news that someone stomped their baby to death, I feel an all consuming anger and sadness. It infiltrates my brain, and my heart, until that child might as well have been my child, and I can feel their tiny heart beat out it’s last pulse. When you feel a quiet happiness for someone who just had their child, I become obsessive, needing to do everything, be there, give oddles of advice, and feel maybe like a mother might.

While bipolar, there are no half measures. Happy is happy, sad is sad. There are feelings-immense feelings that overwhelm.

But to you, the outsider, it may seem like there are no feelings inside us as we blithely ignore your wants, your needs. Ours are paramount. We may recognize that you have feelings and needs, but they will never trump ours. We are important. You live around us.

Isn’t that horrible?

It’s difficult to have an interdependant relationship with someone who is bipolar, because that inter part? We have trouble with that. On a manic day, our ego will exceed you. On a down day, our misery will be all that matters. You….well, you won’t.

Now that I’m medicated, I can see what I was doing, how I was hurting people around me. I see people finally coming back out of the woodwork to talk to me, after years of avoiding me, aware of my sudden shifts and callous nature. Suddenly, I see all my wrongs, and I’m pentient, and unaware of how to fix it.

Feelings are there. We aren’t psychopaths. We just don’t know how to direct it to you, or how to say the words we mean. We just don’t live on the same plane sometimes.

972 Responses to ““do bipolar people have feelings””

  1. cerebralmum February 5, 2008 at 8:11 pm #

    My first instinct when I saw that title was shock that someone could have asked that, but now I’m glad someone did, because this a brilliant, and sensitive, and enlightening post. Thank you.

    • wayne December 18, 2010 at 1:46 am #

      Hey everyone! It’s been a while but I’m back here with my good friends, yea that’s one hell of a statement and it begs an answer, of course they do!!!
      They can be the most loving people you could ever meet.
      I know first hand as most of you know my tragic story.
      Just thought I’d drop in and say hi to you all, so is Robert still round? and zuki? hows trustyourgut going?

    • Genaro Falcon September 20, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

      Was this a gentleman or woman describing him or herself?

  2. Julie Pippert February 5, 2008 at 10:07 pm #

    Wow, what? Someone asked that?

    Were they mixing it up with sociopaths?

    Still, I guess wow, the context matters.

    And good you answered this way…it all makes sense the way you explain it.

  3. Marcy February 5, 2008 at 11:29 pm #

    I wonder… maybe sociopaths have feelings, too.

    I so relate to the primacy of self — and I secretly suspect even the “normal” folks do, too. It’s scary — we sort of want to have real relationships and really care about other people, give as well as receive, and give according to the other and not according to us… but, well, Other is scary.

  4. roomalone February 6, 2008 at 2:29 am #

    Don’t you feel anesthetized to some degree by the medicine?? Though I can swing from pole to pole, authentic feelings sometimes fail me.

  5. thordora February 6, 2008 at 7:41 am #

    Not so much. Somedays yeah, I feel numbed to everything else, but I have other days when I feel things vividly, in a clarity I had never expected.

    My doctor is adamant about never numbing me completely-like she said, what’s the point in that?

    I have trouble with the bigger things, like truly feeling the love I know I have for people. Or maybe what I think love should manifest as isn’t really it at all.

  6. bipolarlawyercook February 6, 2008 at 10:54 am #

    Um, yeah. Speechless on this one.

  7. Emily February 7, 2008 at 10:19 am #

    My husband has a lot of trouble with that whole “inter” thing, up or down. He’s finally stable now and I’m just starting to feel like we have a real relationship. Bipolar disorder is truly a selfish illness, and you’re absolutely right – it leaves a lot of damage with other people, too.

  8. Erin February 8, 2008 at 1:29 pm #

    I know all that I can know from text books and hands on experience from a healthcare professional’s perspective on Bipolar. What I don’t know is……living the reality of having a friendship/love with someone who is Bipolar. Thank you for a revealing story.

  9. Elizabeth Osler February 8, 2008 at 1:51 pm #

    I could really relate to this post.

    As a bipolar sufferer, I seem to feel things so intensely that it overwhelms me. For example, my husband and I went to see the movie Atonement. Well I was completely on another planet after seeing it, as it was so deep and dramatic. When I saw the Trainspotting move years back, I had to walk out , my companion found me in a restaurant trembling and in a bad state. He couldn’t understand of course.

    If I see a stray dog, I become hysterical. Any cruelty to animals sends me over the top.

    I obsess over my grown up sons, and worry about them far too much, as I do with my elderly mother.

    I am a complete idiot when it comes to the underdog. I seem to attract people and their problems because I feel so deeply for them. This gotten me into big trouble in my life.

    So, yeah, I say the bipolar people have more intense feelings that people without it.

    Liz Osler

    • Debbie S August 25, 2018 at 6:24 am #

      Hi Liz
      I am a 42 year old who was recently diagnosed bipolar and I am also a health care professionial.
      I am the same way you have just described. I care so much that it really makes me a mess. If a person I care for at work dies I end up on disability because of the anxiety. I have had to leave many great jobs because of this dissorder.
      Some days if I even hear a ambulance I stress out.

      Now when it comes to my loved ones, my woΕ•y is so much worse.. their health becomes almost all I think about and I end up not able to functionn.

      For those of you out there that have a steady Dr and are on a medication that helps even out these feelings you are blessed. I am blessed to to finally have hope that with the help I am receiving now my life might resemble normalcy.

      Thank you all for your comments on this site, you give me so much hope for my future.

      Diagnosed Aug. 18, 2018

  10. Angela Hedgepeth February 8, 2008 at 2:45 pm #

    My 21 year old son has bi-polar and OCD. What you wrote (Do Bi-Polar People Have Feelings?) was so well put that I am going to read it to my husband and daughter who seem to only remember the times my son is hurtful and selfish and think that he is JUST selfish. I have long recognized that the selfish side is not my real son, but the effect of the disorder when it flares up. We can all be selfish and angry and hurtful when we are under the weather, it’s just that mental illness is mostly invisible and so it throws mentally stable people for a loop when it seems to arise out of no where. They don’t understand what it is like to have times when it is like your disorder takes control of your body and it takes the help of the right meds and sheer will power to control it at all. I don’t know about you, but my son is also the most caring and understanding and empathetic person in my life when he isn’t in the throws of a rage or obsession. His bad may be terrible, but his good is just soooo good!

  11. liprap February 8, 2008 at 3:08 pm #

    What the hell kind of question is THAT? Does the QUESTIONER have feelings? Good Lord, is it really any wonder that folks who have depression, who are bipolar, or who have other serious psychological conditions can’t catch much of a break after all this time?

    Questioner, go forth and find your OWN feelings some place. Good NIGHT…

    Yeah the above is my first reaction.

    My next reaction runs along the lines of yours, Thor. Though I am not bipolar, I am overly sensitive and the therapy I’ve had and the SSRIs I take have helped me manage that sensitivity to the point where I feel I can do things like raising my son without frequently biting his head off at some of the things he says or does. I could probably even handle a job outside the home at this point! But yes, the intensity of those feelings would scare the hell out of me and others around me who care. I got real tired of that kind of fear, and tired of the fear I had that it would harm my son.

    Still and all, it amazes me, the questions sometimes…

  12. Cora B February 8, 2008 at 3:38 pm #

    Finally, someone has put into words what I have felt whenever I have an epsisode. I am still very passionate about issues that grab my emotions, but at least now I do see the line, even if I cross it now and again.

  13. Tasha February 8, 2008 at 5:11 pm #

    I do not have bipolar, but am sure my boyfriend does. He is going to see a psychiatrist on Monday. When I read the headline I immediately had to read on to discover find out the answer. This is because I ask myself that same question every day about my boyfriend. I have not been able to understand how he can yell at his children for no reason, scream at me, call me horrible names, make me feel like I am worthless, and have absolutley no remorse or feel the least bit bad about his behavior.

    After reading the anwser, I have a much better understanding of what my boyfriend is going through and know it is not the man I fell in love with and had a child with that is so mean and emotionless. But, rather his illness.

    Wish us luck!!!

  14. thordora February 8, 2008 at 5:19 pm #

    Liprap-at first, I was a little like “oh no you didn’t…”, then, I moderated.

    In high school I had a relationship with a manic depressive-not boyfriend girlfriend, just two lonely confused friends.

    On day he had a manic episode and hit me. Prior to that, he had said horrible things, on a regular basis, followed the next by wonderful things.

    At 17, dealing with my own shit, I had to cut him out of my life. Even now, when he contacted me on Facebook, I ignored him. I can’t do it. I still hurt so much from that, and from wondering why he was so….rotten.

    Now I know. Now I know that he did have feelings but they were so buried….sigh. He was so messed up.

    Elizabeth, I used to be the same way. I can’t watch certain movies because the scenes resonate for days. It’s better now with Lithium, but never perfect.

    Tasha, your boyfriend (and myself) are lucky to have such strong people around us, willing to advocate for us.

    Those of you from bipolar central-oh HAI! Please feel free to browse the archives, particularily the “bipolar” and “crazy” tags.

  15. pitbullski February 8, 2008 at 9:26 pm #

    You describe exactly what I, too, as a bi-polar, feels. I’m sending my husband the link to this site so that he can understand what is going on in my head. Even though I’m medicated, it still doesn’t stop you completely from these feelings; it just tempers them – puts them in a “normal” range if you will.

    Thank you very much.

  16. Jason February 9, 2008 at 6:36 pm #

    Ya I Have Bipolar Disorder And I Belive Myself To Be A Two Faced Monster And Ive Wanted To End It All More Than Once Because I Find It Hard To Live With Myself Knowing Im Never Going To Get Better, Yes People Suffering Bipolar Disorder Have Feelings! No I Dont Belive It Instently Means Were All Selfish! And Saying Bipolar People Wanting Comfort Are Selfish Is The Most Ignorant Thing Ive Read Today.

    • Marie C. April 6, 2009 at 6:44 pm #

      Hi there,
      I am asking you…due to the fact you have more than once wanted to end it……what brought you out of it?
      At this point in my life I have made plans…and thought them out…but I wouldn’t -couldn’t due to my children and my mother, as my father just passed away.
      Do you think you will get better from bipolar?
      What meds are you currently on.
      I was diagnosed 2 years ago and feel I am not on the right combination as I do not feel well at all.
      Everyday seems worse than the last.
      All I would like is peace and contentment….not much to ask.

      • thordora April 6, 2009 at 9:36 pm #

        I lost my mother as a child. I couldn’t do that to mine. It’s brought me back from the edge every single time.

        I will never get better. I will get managed. I take lithium every day. I listen to my doctor. I fight with myself not to take the easy way out, to be a better person.

        Life seemed horrible not too long ago. It will come, if you let it.

    • Speedy July 30, 2012 at 11:23 pm #

      Ahhh, Jason. There is nothing wrong with wanting comfort, but EXPECTING comfort when you’ve been a jerk is wrong. At times, bipolar people are incredibly self-centered and selfish and the pain they inflict with their oversensitivity and paranoia (accusing others have nefarious thoughts, feelings, and motives and REFUSING to believe they are wrong the TRUTH when it is told to them by the victim of their emotional abuse) is brutal. They lash out and leave others emotionally hemmoraghing and THEN, they act like they don’t remember — sometimes they don’t. Other times they make up elaborate stories to justify their behavior that only they believe. God forbid they should ever apologize — they act like nothing at all happened while the recipient of their unprovoked attacks is still healing from internal emotional injury. And before you have a wall-eyed fit defending people with bipolar disorder, know this — I used to have irritable bipolar spells and I have other people in my family who have, have had, or should have had that diagnosis. I’ve been the perpetrator and the victim of bipolar raging. I know, I know — once bipolar, always bipolar. however, it has known to become less severe with age (I’m 58), and I haven’t had a hypomanic spell for over a year now. I’m not on a mood stabilizer.People I work with can’t believe I was ever diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so I don’t think I’m kidding myself. My husband of 35 years thinks I’m easy to live with and (of course) lots of fun. I am on Wellbutrin and take a sleep aid for my insomnia, so – maybe for me – that is preventing the bounce into hypomania — so I intimately know how the bipolar mind thinks and justifies unjustifiable behavior. To all those fellow BPs out there, PLEASE make it easier for those you love to heal from the pain you’ve inflicted by APOLOGIZING when you’ve been mean. It also makes it a lot easier for them to forgtve you. There are people from an earlier time in my life that will never be able to forgive me, and that’s okay. I certainly understand because I KNOW how hard it is to forgive someone, even someone you love a lot for cruelty even if they can’t help it. BP’s must learn self-awareness, “It is not that everyone is irritating; it is that I am irritasble,” Then tell everyone, ‘i’m irritable; It isn’t your fault, but please, don’t ask me anything until I get over myself.”

  17. ruben February 24, 2008 at 3:27 am #

    I have to say that the question, “Do Bipolars have feellings?” is a valid one. At least from the perspective of someone who has been in a love relationship with one for two years. It’s very hard, after all the harranguing, after all the irrational blow-ups, the infantile fits of self-absorbed crying and wallowing self-pity, to firmly believe that your loved one has abiding feelings for you, or even an abiding awareness that you exist. That’s cynical, but it happens. Even when your lover is working hard, it is the ACTIONS, not the thoughts that eventually count. What haunts me the most, is the feeling that no matter what I do, or what she does, to grow and heal, she may always be essentially a selfish person. I mean at the core, unable or unwilling to be in a 50/50 relationship. She’s said as much…then changed the semantics of the statement, but I think she meant it. She is subtly cold, detatched, short, uninvolved, needy, demanding, cruel, mean. Of course, she has her normal moments…but they are just moments. I have never seen her in a manic state, but it seems her inter-breakdown functioning-that is, her NORMAL state is one of broad maladjustment, visa-vis close relationships. Despite being intelligent and a high achiever, she is a little girl in her romantic relationship with me. Not always, but probably 60% of the time. There is probably no time in which I can expect her to give like she takes, or when I can truly count on her. She always speaks of the virtues of being a good mate, and it clearly is a huge ego issue for her to perform…everything is about her ego…but she falls WAY short of being a good mate. She tries. And I know it’s very hard. But I am in despair when I realize I’m with someone who sees me as a convenience. I really doubt she has the capacity to love me in a real, deep, abiding sense. I want to think differently. Despite the changes she’s made, I seem to see an emptiness in her…so self-centered, that there is nothing there for a lover to hold on to. I shudder to think about what might happen should I ever really need her the way she has so often needed me. I think she’d just leave.

  18. ruben February 24, 2008 at 3:45 am #

    It’s a sad thing that bipolars have their own perspective, and their “reasons” for acting as they do, to defend themselves. But the other sad thing, is, their lovers (at least in a case like mine) are ALONE. The bipolar is alone, too. It’s very sad, because there is no way (at present, for me), to reach in and hold her, or to coax her out to really BE WITH ME. I feel like she’s not really there. I see bipolars get mad at the assertion that they often seem selfish. Sorry to say it, but for many bipolars, that’s exactly what they need to hear, and to struggle to come to grips with. There’s an intense selfishness that emminates from some bipolars (in love relationships). I know I live it every day with my bipolar girlfriend. Yes, she wants to be different. She even shows signs of improvement . But then in a minute, she’s in her own world. No matter what just happened, or what we’ve gone through, or what I have to do to keep her from blowing up…in any given moment, she can be walled up behind a mile of ego defenses and self-involved distractions. She even openly defends hese things, sometimes. She’s often very self-aware, and is generally aware of her world. But she suffers from subtle distortions of thought, reason, and emotion, which ABIDE at her core. I think it’s not so much a question of how she is, in or out of episodes, but who and what she is, irrespective of episodes. I’m pretty educated as to the basics of bipolar disorder, and I do believe she has not suffered a manic, or a severe depressive episode since we met. But if this is how she is in between episodes, then this is who she is. I believe she can change, but I don’t know if she will, or if I will be here to witness it. It’s a difficult situation, because I don’t want to leave her. If only she were capable of REALLY being my friend, my companion. That’s what’s lacking. Maybe it’s as much an incompatibility as her illness. But that selfish outlook…that’s a killer. I know what it’s like to be the bad guy. Years ago, i was the self-absorbed one, in a relationship with a beautiful young woman who did her level best to keep us together, sometimes saying”if you could just accept yourself, I love you the way you are.” But I wasn’t ready to chenge…until she left me. I may never stop regretting having lost her/driven her away. Later, I grew and changed. Now, I’m in a simmillar relationship, except…I was not bipolar. I had more subtle issues to deal with, and my whole ego & personality was more intact and healthy. I was at least capable of changing, albeit too late for my ex. I wonder, hope, and pray, is my current lover capable of waking up before it’s too late? Will she break out of that selfishness, and realize a path to living WITH someone else, as a true mate? That’s rhetorical. I guess I will see.

  19. thordora February 24, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    ruben-she sounds exactly like I did, before the Lithium worked.

    We can be VERY selfish-you’re right. We get so wrapped up in the disease and how we’re feeling..and you get lost within that.

    Is she medicated? Is it working? Is she just inherently selfish, or is it really the disease?

    It’s so hard. How any of our partners do it, I just don’t know.

  20. ruben February 25, 2008 at 5:23 am #

    Thanks for your reply. I have to apologize for being harsh. I’m venting.
    Thanks also for sharing your insihts as a bipolar person.
    No, she’s not on any meds. She said that about three years ago, her therapist suggested she could-and probably should go off meds, being that she had not had a manic or severe depressive episode in a long time. In a way, I’d agreee with that, being that the meds must have drained her of so much sensation and feeling, not to mention the decreased libido, weight gain, etc. I find it hard to suggest anyone must be on meds, when they are so heavy. Now, I never knew her in those days.
    She says the meds did indeed help, but when it was clear she had learned to avoid manic episodes, she felt it was right to rely on herself. I agree.
    Which makes me wonder…and maybe there’s no good answer here…if what I see in her is not hypomania, then is it just her personality? I find this the saddest question of all. Is it possible that her normal functioning has been so affected by the process or disease of bipolar disorder, that she is just selfish, weak, cold, subtly convinced she’s being persecuted, etc? In other words, does this condition permanently alter one’s brain and mind, or is it even that people with these tendencies of thought and emotion are prone to being bipolar?
    I do know this, according to what I studied as an undergrad psych major, and what I know of the DSM, her episodes of maladaptive behavior do not follow any recognized cycle of mania, hypomania, or mixed episodes. I really think she’s NOT experiencing mania. I think she’s been so affected by those previous episodes, so rocked, that she’s adapted into being irrationally self-protecting, bringing out in her a kind of mild paranoia, and a way of explaining most of her difficulties with me (or any other really close relationships) by laying blame on the other. She argues like a lawyer, then says I’m perpetually arguing with her. When I’m really making a good point about our difficulties stemming from her self-centered, defensive, vulnerable or cold tendencies, she closes her eyes, like she’s falling asleep…shutting it all out. Then she locks up, and ends the discussion.
    I guess the only constructive question I could ask at this point, to any bipolars out there-especially women, is DO YOU THINK THAT BEING BIPOLAR-EVEN LONG IN REMISSION, CAUSES PEOPLE TO BE PERMANENTLY DEFENSIVE, IRRATIONALLY SENSITIVE AND SELF-CENTERED, DETATCHED, AND NEEDY? DOES THE CONDITION SOMEHOW PERMANENTLY WARP A MIND INTO A SORT OF DELUSION ABOUT HOW THEY RELATE TO THOSE CLOSEST TO THEM? Because my girlfriend, despite being very intelligent and insightful in many ways, seems to be in the thrall of an abidingly warped sense of how she treats me, or what’s really happening. She can realize at times that she’s out of line, and be very contrite…but then she goes back to the same old thing…minutes later. And the wierdest thing is, she actually says she believes that I want to argue with her…that I’M the one who wants power, influence, to dominate, or be an authority, to compete with her. I see it as so bizarre. These are not in any way the things I want out of our relationship. I want to have an absolutely trusting, secure relationship with a woman who is my best friend. I want to admire her, to look up to her as much as anything else. But she keeps insisting I want to put her down or argue with her. It’s like a delusion.
    But I’m being redundant.
    Any perspective you may have would be appreciated. She’s worth loving.

  21. ruben February 25, 2008 at 6:06 am #

    OK, I’ve just read more accounts of people SEVERELY affected by bipolar disorder. Now My lover’s brand of subtle delusion and mild paranoia seem like blessings, compared to the scenarios I’ve read. I should be thankful she’s not experiencing full-blown episodes, and that her level of persecutory beliefs are so low as to be unrecognizeable, without close examination.
    Maybe because she’s (close) to being “normal,” I just have a hard time believing she really believes the things she does. I somehow expect her to make the step from being difficult, stormy, self-centered and ultra-sensitive, to being well-adjusted.
    Perhaps I should thank God-and her-that she’s so well-off. At least she’s functional, and in graduate school. At least she’s not stark raving mad, and in total terror.
    Life is hard, any way you look at it. It’s just harder for some people.

  22. thordora February 25, 2008 at 8:57 am #

    Hearing you say “She’s worth loving” makes me happy. So many of us are, and the effort is just herculean, and scary.

    I find it odd that a doc would say she could go on and off her meds according to episode-did you hear them say that, or did she say that herself? (I’m asking because I’ve been incredibly manipulative in regards to my meds in the past) It doesn’t make sense-most medication for bipolar takes quite some time to reach true theraputic levels, and coming off the drugs abruptly can cause problems. (I cold turkeyed off Wellbutrin and triggered my self into hospital)

    I’m not lying when I hear my self in what you’re saying. And I don’t believe that mental illness goes into remission. I really don’t. I think we’re able to better compensate for the demands our brains put on us, but I don’t think we can live the rest of our lives drug and therapy free.

    Of course, there are exceptions to everything.

    Can you go with her to a doctor, for a second opinion? I was very very scared of drugs for a long time, but now, on lithium, I’ve found a drug that doesn’t make me numb or ruin me. It makes me as close to normal as I’ve ever been, and my marriage is thriving for this. Perhaps there is something that can help her as well. When I look back, I can’t believe all the things I thought were true. Pure delusion.

    Feel free to email me Ruben-thordoraATgmail.com

  23. Marcy February 25, 2008 at 12:45 pm #


    For those of us who are irrationally self-protective (which doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with bipolar — I’m not bipolar), being told so by those closest to us doesn’t help, even when we know it’s true. If you two are having serious, recurring, chronic issues in your relationship, I would suggest a good marriage counselor. There is something about an objective third party and / or an expert that can allow us defensive fearful types to work a little more effectively.

  24. pitbullski February 26, 2008 at 12:31 am #

    People need to realize that being Bi-Polar is a permanent medical disorder/disease like Diabetes. It can’t be cured, it can only be treated & monitored. There are new medications that are coming out every day to help Bi-Polars. Sometimes you have to keep trying different combinations & even new drugs to find what will work for you. You have to be patient & work with your doctor. If you don’t like what is happening with your meds, speak up. The doctor works for you. If you’re still not satisfied, get another doctor. There’s no reason to suffer. I see that a lot of you take lithium. I take Depakote & Lamictal. I go to a psychiatrist for my medication management & go to a counselor for my emotional & other issues management. When your an unmedicated Bi-Polar you will have picked up all sorts of behavioral quirks (for what of a better word) that needs to be addressed. It took me 10 years to work out most of my quirks.

    The best advice I can give from one Bi-Polar to another, get on some meds that work, STAY on them, & get some counseling.

  25. Jenn February 26, 2008 at 7:47 am #

    I think the real question here is do bipolar people have feelings for you? It is obvious that bipolar people have feelings, wether layed out on the couch in uncontrollable sobbing or elevated highs of laugher and talking. For those of us that are a partner in this illness, the question is never does the bipolar person have feelings but rather do they have feelings for me? Seemingly the one emotion that a bipolar person seems to be able to keep a tight lid on is love. This desease is selfish wether it has the bipolar person in the depths of dispare where they cant see their partner through the darkness, or on top of the rainbow where the colors are to bright to notice their spouse standing firm beside them. Often we as partners feel left out, ignored, and at the end of the day like our partners dont care one bit about us or our feelings, because they are engrosed in their own feelings. So does a bipolar person have feelings for you? The answer as I see it yes, they do. Even when this illness pulls them in all the wrong directions, when their impulsive feelings effect their decisions and even when they are breaking your heart. They love you, it is just in those moments they can not see you. With proper meds and theropy to level those moods, you will be standing grounded beside them and they will then be filled with recognition and love for the person who stayed grounded and planted there right beside them while they were off chasing rainbows. I feel that it is important as a partner to try and remember that the bipolar person in the relationship isnt doing the impulsive behaviors or staying on the couch because that is what they are choosing to do. That is simply where the illness is taking them. Also to always remember that your emotions are important too. What is most frusterating to me is that the mood disorder clinics do not offer support groups for spouces. We are simply left to our own devices. This illness effects everyone, and as partners I feel it is so important that we too be taught how to deal with all of this. I understand that some people are coming from abusive relationships and it could be dangerous to involve an abusive spouse in the recovery process. However, what about all of us who genuinly love and care about our partners and truly want to understand the illness and be given the tools to cope with the emotional blows we all take as a result of this illness? The resources out there for partners of bipolar people are slim, and availabliity is even slimmer. In fact this is the frist web site I have come across that has been helpful at all. So thank you to all of you for engaging in intelligent open minded conversation. I am finding this very helpful.

  26. thordora February 26, 2008 at 11:15 am #

    Seemingly the one emotion that a bipolar person seems to be able to keep a tight lid on is love

    Jenn, that is so very true. Love was the one thing that unmedicated scared the crap out of me.

  27. sean March 8, 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    I am a 48 year old physician who has led a full life, including professionally. Like most physicians who are not shrinks, I have dealt with bipolars as patients from time to time, but never gave any thought as to what it might be like to be romantically involved with one

    But over the last 6 months I fell in love with a 38 year old woman that I initially took into my home somewhat like a stray dog. I was quickly overwhelmed by the anger, self-centeredness, lack of reciprocal affection, etc. She has recently ended our relationship and my attempts to convince her that I love have proven ineffective and actually counter-productive.

    I am writing her just to thank all of you for what you have shared here. I have gone on-line a few times in the past to make sense of her behavior, but nothing has been near as insightful as what I have learned here.

  28. sean March 8, 2008 at 3:49 pm #

    PS–Sorry about the typo’s, I should have proof-read it prior to hitting the “submit” button.

  29. thordora March 9, 2008 at 12:03 am #

    That’s why I write these Sean. To bring perspective to all of us. Lord knows I could have used it 2 years ago.

  30. Hooligan8 April 26, 2008 at 2:29 pm #

    This is the best thread I have ever read. I too am in the same boat as many of you. Not afflicted by Bipolar but have deep true love for one who is. We haven’t talked in awhile as it is too painful for me, but i think of her everyday and dream of her every night. She is worth loving and worth the hurt but I am not the one who can be there as much as I wish I were stronger. Sadly I am not…..

  31. denise May 8, 2008 at 12:58 pm #

    Hello, and thank u all for your honesty and insight on this website. I was currently reconnected with an old high school friend… we both found out that we not only went to the same high school and still share a lot of the same friends, but we also grew up in the same city in europe as kids, and now both work in the same profession. We have basically lived very parallel lives. We met up again by a chance encounter, and fell in love immediately. Everything was wonderful for 2 weeks, and then one day he just woke up at my place -the first time he stayed the night in my room- and he woke up so angry. Up until this point I had been the centre of his world and a goddess to him. We had already decided we were made for each other and would get married and have kids one day. I know it was fast… but we had also known each other 15 years earlier in high school, but never romantically, more like acquaintances. Anyways… he woke up angry, and a completely different person. He usually always held my hand and carried my bag… this day he walked ahead of me huffing and puffing, until I burst out, I could not handle it anymore. I finished by crying, he walked off and did not contact me. I called him the next day and he said he had bought a ticket to go overseas to visit his best friend. He ended up leaving for 3 weeks, and never contacted me wen gone. The day he came back to town, he called me immedately, I missed the call and called back, and his phone was off.Once again he was too proud to make the move. So, I text him. We text back and forth a couple of times, and he invited me out the next day. I met up with him and his friend, we had a great night… altho I was sooo nervous at first. We did drink have to say… but it was like we continued from where we had left off… it was perfect, and again he was telling the world (and all his friends) he was going to marry me and have kids with me. Then he had to go away to a friends’ family gathering… he walked me home, everything was perfect. Then I did not hear from him ALL weekend. He finally called, I met up with him again, he was somewhat reserved with his feelings… then as the night and the beers progressed, he was abusive and bossy with me again. We had a huge fight where I cried, and he apologized, then we went home to my place. He wanted to sleep with me and I said no. Then he told me how much he loved me, always had and always would… and I know it sounds like he was just trying to sleep with me, but it was really more than that… he went on to say he was really scared of loving me, and knew I was, but we would try harder. But he also said that I also had to understand that he would always go, but he would always come back. Anyways, he woke up in the morning (2nd time sleeping in my room) ANGRY!!! again!!! He had borrowed my rent money from me the night before, and pressured me into lending him the money, by accusing me of not trusting him. Then he woke up in the morning, and when he was getting dressed I asked him why he was leaving, he said I could come, but didn’t really seem like he wanted me to, he was angry. Then wen I asked if he could pay me back the money… he blew up and asked for receipts and said I was just using him for money. I told him it as not true. He then walked out. I emailed him an hour later, and he was online at the same time as me. He text me twice that day to ask for my account details, and emailed me… but I told him forget about it. I also sent him a super long email about everything on my mind, that he “could” be bipolar and I that he had really hurt me. I told him I loved him more than words could explain, and that I could go with him if he wanted to a doctor, but not to contact me otherwise because he had torn me apart soo much. He never wrote back. I wrote again… I said, please just give me an explanation, I love you and I have been so depressed, please give me closure. Still nothing. Like last time before he went overseas, he also ignored my heartfelt text message. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Anyway, I guess what I want to know is… what should I do! Leave him alone like last time, and then he will come back? Also, how do I break it to him that he is bipolar- i’ve done so much research on it, and he clearly is bipolar. He will get angry and not want to see it. Maybe he will never contact me again because I told him to look into it in the email, and alsocut and paste some infor for him. I told him he could have it, but might not, and that it didn’t hurt to look into it, and said that maybe he just had issues with anger. he also has huge abandonment issues with his parents. He has no bro or sisters, and only his good guy friends from the last ten years who are his family. Most are in relationships and married… does he not think about why they are, and he is not?? Also, another thing I read, one of the symptoms, not liking crowds or confined spaces. When we go clubbing we can never go on the dancefloor, only stand near the bar- he told me he gets very uncomfortable in crowds, he almost freaked out when we went to a parade and got stuck in a crowd once, I’ve never seen him so scared. Then each time he wakes up in my room… he is angry… my room is very small and kind of like a basement-feel -u have to walk up a couple of steps to get out. Maybe this is why he always wakes up angry in my room?? I guess ALL this writing… what I want to know is… does he care? does he mean all these things he says to me? Will he return? What should I do? How should I treat him? How will he ever learn he is bipolar if he has no family to intervene, and his guy friends will not ever do anything about it. I am so depressed, I have stayed in bed for a week, I am so drained, i have no energy to function. I feel used and so unbelieveably hurt. After a week of depression, I am slowly getting out of it though, and in a couple of days will be back to normal (somewhat) so don’t worry about me. I am just heartbroken, and feel very betrayed.

  32. denise May 8, 2008 at 1:06 pm #

    Just to make it a bit clearer since I know it is the length of a novel… does he mean the nice things? the bad things? both? neither? how do i know for sure? why does he disappear, and will he return? do i leave him alone, or contact him 2 remind him i love him? usually i would feel so desperate and stupid doing that, but is this what he needs? how does he ever face his problem? thanks for ur patience with all my questions…. i am in need of advice so dearly!!!

  33. denise May 8, 2008 at 2:06 pm #

    the other thing i forgot to mention… the last contact I had with him was the following email… what is ur acount nb… which bank… i will deposit. I can’t see you anymore, you and me are not good together, we drink too much and it scares me… its not you… its just that i don’t need another drinking buddy… that’s it.

    So what does that mean? We do drink a lot when we are together on holidays, but not all the time… … I am in NO WAY sayng that is a good thing, but we both work freelance and have weeks off where we can go party and sleep in, so being young, we do that. However he also does recreational drugs if they are offered (does not go out looking for them ever), and I do not do any drugs. So wen he says this i really feel like it is an excuse. I only really drink wen I am with him, bc I get nervous of his moods sometimes, and he drinks with his friends when he disappears from my life for weeks at a time. Is this just an excuse? Two days prior to this email he was calling all his friends saying that he wanted to marry me?? This is crazy… what am I to believe. One minute I am truly convinced he loves me, and the next I am convinced he was just using me, and loves to hurt women and gets great pleasure out of it. So confused.

    • kel May 23, 2017 at 9:09 am #

      drinking affects his moods & made him prone to irritability. I noticed that in my ex. every time he went drinking, he’d become an angry person the next day & we broke up (a few times). It was always 1-2 days after drinking. Maybe keep it to a max of 3 drinks (maybe 4, at the most). No more than 3-4 drinks
      – dated a very sweet, affectionate bipolar guy

  34. confused June 19, 2008 at 5:03 pm #

    Oh Denise this story rings so true with me! I thought my situation was so weird and no one could understand but by doing bit of research on bipolar on net and coming across your story, it had certainly cleared a lot of things up for me and wondering why a person was acting this way, I knew there was an explanation but couldnt understand until i came across the symptoms of bipolar! Thanks denise, please email me.

  35. denise June 21, 2008 at 6:54 am #

    Hello! Thanks for the reply… it is so hard, isn’t it?!! I would love 2 know more about ur situation. Wat is ur email address, if u’d like to share stories pls write…. I am glad that my long, soooo detailed posts have been able to halp someone!! lol… I have written so much, but writing and sharing really helps for some reason… and I really am bad at the short and sweet, lol.

  36. abh July 30, 2008 at 10:02 am #

    this girl i know and love but am really scared of now has been pretty much doing the same to me as what(confused)partner is doing to her.Who knows what there true feelings are!I dont know if they know themselves so i think that question will always remain un answered!It is a very selfish illness but also cant be blamed on the person but without medication there will never be any chance of normality>please dont blame yourself it isnt you and youll constantly feel like bashing your head against a wall..and you,ll never be able to figure this person out so dont bother trying i am convinced this person is well worth loving but sadly my advice would be walk away with your sanity now if you can.you,ll do your head in and trying to convince one to seek help is a battle itself and if they can hide from you they will!sorry

  37. denise August 1, 2008 at 3:24 am #

    After everything I have been thru, all the lies I have been told, all the heartache…. the understanding and patience… the forgiving… All I can conclude is that…. “No, Bipolar people such as the person I am dealing with, have no feelings at all, no sense of remorse for the pain they inflict, no empathy for all we go thru, no care or heart wen they leave behind a destructive path” I’m sorry to say… but this is all I can say after everything I have been thru, I have been broken, disrespected, made a fool.

    • Debbie S August 25, 2018 at 7:28 am #

      We do have feelings unfortunately to many intense ones.

      Again I was d iagnossed a week ago, but even before I knew I was behaving the following way. When I was feeling (depressed, and anxiety).

      Over the years while being misdiagnosed, I have learnt that when I feel threatened, even if people don’t think they are making me feel this way, they have. (ALL FEELINGS ARE RIGHT NOT WRONG. EVERYONE HAS FEELINGS AND THEY ARE ALL JUSTIFIABLE BECAUSE THEY ARE OURS OR YOURS).

      That’s when I get defensive, standoffish, and even fear leaving my room or home. and I really couldn’t open up even though I want to.
      Logically I know I am behaving in a irrational way, even with the ones I care about the most. When in this state I lie to cover for what I am doing saying and appearing to everyone.

      I never want to be this way and feel a lot of shame. But it all comes to this..I am in self preservation mode. I( psychiatrists words) i don’t realize it until I have pushed everyone that cares for me away.

      The people who have remained in my life are the ones who can leave me be when feeling and acting that way, then come back and make contact Sith me again a month later or they just end up knowing I need space for a bit and that it has nothing to do with them it’s me. I have never admitted to them the way I have been feeling at the time.

      It took me just about dying last week to have a psychiatrist committ me.so he could help get me on the right medications. I want to and hope once the medications start to work I will ‘ve able to sit down and let them know how much they mean to me then explain the feelings I have in certain times & why there can be long periods of time where leaving my home puts me into “self presivation mode”. But I already have a good idea they already know I am bipolar and that is why they do leave me be for a time so I don’t feel threatened and can maintain our friendships. You see most of the people who continue to stay witb me are healthcare professionals or social workers by profession.

      Thank you all for helping a new diagnosee gain more insight.

  38. LG August 8, 2008 at 12:36 am #

    bipolar people DO have feelings. Wy do you think we are so messed up? If we didn’t then things would be so much easier, on us as well as the people around us. I wish you were right. I wish we didn’t.
    What do we do when there’s nothing left to do? Where do we go when there’s nowhere left to go? You obviously don’t see the lonely and petrifying moments. You only see the ripples.

  39. Lori August 8, 2008 at 4:16 pm #

    I have been in love with a man for 8 years. Four of those years we dated and it was on again off again. He would tell me one day he didnt love me and the next he did..and he always seemed so genuine in what he was feeling. He would break up with me and devastate me and then he would want me back. Four years again he asked me to marry him and i moved in with him. His moods continued to change about me but he would never break up like he used to…now he has decided he is no longer in love with me. The relationship with him has been so traumatic. My friends got tired of the drama…i woke up one day and realized i was completely alone. He shows no remorse for the emotional torment he has caused me. A “healthy” person would never treat someone like this. Its hard to let go because i have hung on so long..i am damaged emotionally from this. His mother is Bi-polar…Anyway its just been terrible. He drinks every night to drown his feelings…he does not like crowds, he has anxiety but he functions like a champ at work and with his family. Its just me that has suffered. I have done such a good job of taking the abuse that noone else has had to suffer. Its one of the most heartbreaking situations i have ever experienced in my life. I am the one who crys allthe time now and has alienated my friends. Everyone has told me for years he is a jerk and i should leave..but i became too attached. The things he has said and done are so painful. He tells me i am the problem now..anyway thanks for listening

  40. LG August 12, 2008 at 9:29 pm #

    Nice one everyone. Just walk away. Why not. Perhaps you are blinded by your own emotion rather than the problem at hand. Please, just try walking a day in their shoes too. You might find yourself in the same places.

  41. FZ August 18, 2008 at 12:40 am #

    I just wanted to say thanks for the website Thordora. I’ve read alot of your posts and this website is one of the few steps forward I’ve been able to take in dealing with this.

    I’ve been dating a bipolar person for a year. He has broken up with me and then gotten back together with me 5 or 6 times. I thought I was going crazy because everything quickly went from being utterly perfect to being an absolute chaotic nightmare full of suspicion, irrationality, cruelty and abandonment. And because I didn’t understand the nature of bipolar, I thought everything was my fault and that I was losing my mind. Seeing other people’s stories that mirror my own helps me deal with the fact that it’s not just me. So thanks very much for that.

    Now I’m trying to figure out whether to stay with this person or not. He tells me I mean everything in the world to him. That I am the Holy Grail etc. He apologises afterwards for the things he does, but can very rarely discuss them in detail as it eventually sends him into a frenzy. And then he does the same thing to me again a few weeks down the track. So I basically just have to move on as though nothing happened.

    I can deal with the subtle/not-so-subtle distortions of reality, the selfishness, the constant paranoia, the overwhelming ego followed by the incredible self-pity and the host of other baggage that comes along with this disorder.

    However, the one thing I cannot deal with is the abandonment and the cutting off of all communication. Why do bipolar people cut off all contact like this? The person I am dating is American (as am I) and we met in Australia, where we were both working. He had to return to the US last week because he was laid off at his job due to a restructure and didn’t have the proper VISA. After a month of one of his episodes of not contacting me, he tells me his flight for the US leaves in a week and that he doesn’t know if he’ll be coming back but that he wants to be with me. This is when he calls me the Holy Grail.

    We spend a few days together before he leaves and then we have a fight because I want to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves. He interprets this as controlling. He was completely obsessing about cleaning his apartment before he left and giving away his furniture to his friends that he completely forgot I existed almost. But I needed to talk to him about planning and other serious issues because he had cut off all contact the month before this. So after spending a a few days together, he cuts off contact with me again and says he can’t be with someone that controlling. I end up having to show up at the airport to see him.

    He tells me he’s in love with me, that he wants to be with me, that he’s sorry for everything. That he wishes he had spent more time with me etc. He tells me not to cry because he’ll be back in a month with a new job. When he gets home, he calls me all the time and tells me all the sweet things anyone would want to hear. He sends me pictures of units he wants to live in with me and tells me he wishes he was there when he went hiking etc. He says that he sees things clearly now and that so much insanity was happening that he didn’t know how to react – which is why he shut me out for weeks at a time. I told him that he was just nervous because he hadn’t been back to the US in a long time. But then he insisted that he really did love and want to be with me.

    One week after he gets home, I finally get the courage to talk to him about serious planning. I was always afraid to because anything serious triggered him to shut down. He said he wanted to be with me, so I needed to know WHERE he wanted to be with me – Australia or somewhere in the US – so I could plan my life accordingly. I asked him again if he wanted to be with me and he said absolutely. But he wanted to leave it all up to chance. If he got a job in the USA, it’s like he expected me to go wherever he was. If we’re in a relationship, we needed to decide on a place to find a job (neither one of us would have a problem getting a job) and then focus on that. He then told me he couldn’t commit to that. So i asked him what he wanted to do to ensure we would be together and he just said wait and see where he ends up??

    I told him I had been through too much and that if he wanted to be with me he needed to be more proactive rather than tossing the cards up into the air and let them fall where they may. And I knew this was risky because this sort of talk always triggers him into bipolar episodes. And I told him I had to go because I was afraid I’d yell or we’d get into a fight. So I hung up.

    He then sent me a text saying he cares about me more than I’ll ever know and that he’s sorry he can’t commit because he doesn’t know where he’ll end up. I send him a message back saying, “Where you end up doesn’t matter. If you want to be with me, then we can both make it happen”. I then get a message saying he needs a break from all the craziness and that I should “have a great day :)”. I don’t hear from him for over a week and still have not.

    I needed to type all that out because for some reason it’s cathartic. But my main question is this:

    Why do bipolar people shut people out like this? I would rather he scream at me. But when he absolutely shuts down and cuts off ALL contact it drives me absolutely insane to the point where I can no longer function. All of these contradictions…why does it happen? Why do bipolar people disappear?? It’s not like he said he didn’t want to be with me this time. He just up and disappeared and left me wondering what I should do.

    I’d say out of the past 13 months, we’ve spent 11 of it as a couple and 2 months with him disappearing. Please, any advice/insight appreciated.

  42. rose August 19, 2008 at 3:38 pm #

    Hi there all.

    WOW. From the perspective of a person who was married (now divorced, thankfully) to a person who is bipolar, this is a GREAT question.

    And, like one poster suggested, it is not whether they have feelings – they DO. It’s extreme feelings. Disproportionate feelings. Abundance of feelings.

    Rather, the question is, are the feelings, about you or anything, authentic. At least that’s how I interpreted it.

    I know this is defensive for those with bipolar – ‘how the hell could they ask the question….walk in my shoes’

    But, try walking a day in our shoes.

    Instead of defense, maybe we can shed light on the perspectives of each other. I certainly have learned a lot from everyone with bipolar what it is like to have it. And, it explained a LOT in my marriage. Didn’t make it OK, but explained it.

    Lori – my story could have been yours. It is very hurtful and damaging. Ups and downs that you can pattern out now.

    From the non-bipolar partner perspective, when we see so many mood changes, changes in interests, passions, life choices, we are left feeling if any of the passion/feelings that were felt a few days ago about something (or you, or someone) were real at all?

    I often wonder if my xh loved me at all? Given what it looked like without knowing it was bipolar, it is normal to feel.

    I think the best thing is that if you ARE bipolar, letting a potential partner know what you are going through and what you might experience. If you can’t control these episodes, I think you should not get into a relationship without tellign someone fully. Wouldn’t you tell them openly about any other condition you had? That way, they can make choices.

    But, mostly it looks like the questions and relief here is felt by people who do not get help for bipolar, and that ends up feeling abusive.

    And, as much as I know it’s a disease, we cannot liken it, simply to cancer or diabetes. Those don’t emotionally hurt those around you. It is similar in disease perspective, but that’s it. It’s harder, you must understand, when the people you affect are hurt emotionally or physically or financially, it often feels intentional because things are said with such conviction, extreme decisions, self-pity, you believe the blame on others (mostly you), you take blame to take control, and you learn to give your life and attention to the emotions they are always riding. Things are rationalized, nothing you say is heard, or even thought of.

    For many people, it’s not just a time of raging on others and screaming fits. It’s draining the bank account, leaving a spouse and kids, kicking them out, cheating, abusing them emotionally, wreckless decisions.

    I read that someone in a post said that we should try walking in their shoes before leaving. How could we walk away?

    If they want help, then I agree, if that is what you want.

    IF they don’t, then I honeslty, from my experience, feel that symptoms that I went through from someone does not warrant standing around, and dealing with it. I know he does not mean it, but it doesn’t make it OK, and it doesn’t mean I have to live with it.

    Let me ask this. Speaking of selfish.

    Don’t you think that it’s a little selfish to get into a relationship if you know you act like this, and are capable of this?

    Why ruin someone’s life? Get help or get on with it.

    But, as the original poster stated, it is what it is. Sometimes the partner doesn’t matter. It is selfish and hurtful. I respect that.

    I also hope that folks here can respect a partners decision to, when fully informed, walk away as THEIR choice.

  43. denise August 22, 2008 at 10:11 am #

    rose – i agree with so many of your points. It is so true that we should be warned beforehand. bipolar ppl seem to be quick to blame us, yet not understand that we also go through extreme pain. I have been on the brink of suicide because of wat my guy did to me and does to me –he cheats, lies, steals, disappears– yet I ALWAYS try to imagine wat it is lyk for him, and not for one second does he stop to think wat it is lyk for me?? I feel used and I never know if he really loves me or just comes by 2 use me?? A little warning and understanding on both sides would be nice. You don’t have to be Bipolar to have extreme feelings of depression and thoughts of suicide and loss….

    fz – i totally understand wat u r going thru. I have been dating a guy that I know from years ago in high school. We reunited and have now been dating –and apparently soulmates and so-so-in-love– for 6 months. It was a fairytale, and I really felt that he was SO in love with me, and me with him. I feel like we are meant to be, I would settle down for him, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. But in 6 months he has disappeared about 5 times, for weeks/months at a time. If he goes overseas, its months… its like he forgets about me bc he is overseas. In 6 months we have been together maybe 1 month, if that?? Yet, he always comes back as if nothing, and still pronouncing love to me, and wanting to marry and have kids with me…. then BAM… disappears again. No contact, phone, facebook, internet, texting, NOTHING!!!! Does he even think about me I wonder?? He even contacts our mutual friends on their facebook and msn pages… but not ME!!!??? Please explain someone??? Why??? I have the same question…. why do they disappear and have NO contact with us watsoever, and return like nothing weird just happened?? wat about our feelings?? do they not count?? I just want to kno if he means these things or not, how can I find this out, how can I tell??

    lg – I am sorry if you feel this way about ppl walking away… I don’t blame ppl. But as for me… I HAVE NEVER walked away. NEVER. No matter wat my guy does to me. Instead I let him get away with everything, set the rules, come and go as he pleases. I send him messages telling him I understand and I love him and to just return wen he is ready…. then I leave him. I try to think wat it is like for him. But he never thinks wat it is like for me!! I NEVER WALK AWAY, BUT HE ALWAYS WALKS AWAY, and it is just as hurtful for a non bipolar person, just as traumatic, just as depressing, and I have just as many thoughts about ending it all. So please don’t consider our feelings as just ripples, as my feelings have been tidal waves even tho I am not bipolar. I hope u can also understand our pain is also very deep.

    Thanks for reading everyone, this site is such a gr8 support!

    • kel May 23, 2017 at 9:16 am #

      I can understand it hurts. I felt that way when my ex left. But life with bipolar spouse & potentially bipolar kids won’t be easy. Google & read more about “bipolar children rage/tantrum/violence”

  44. rose August 22, 2008 at 4:10 pm #

    This is really nice to talk about this.

    It’s amazing the damage it does and how long it takes to ‘undo’ it in ourselves. Really, I don’t ask for bipolar ppl to be considerate or understand, because when the disease takes over, I will accept that they cannot. But, that’s also not a person I can live with.

    In that way, it is MY choice. I guess the answer is to accept it, that your life will be a living hell of back and forths and so many other things, and even if on meds, the risk of stopping them…..or you say you need someone who is not bipolar. I chose the latter.

    I dated someone recently who was not bipolar, after being with a bipolar person for so long, and it was AMAZING, not to have to consider mood swings ruining a day or days, to not be fearful of misery attacks, to not sit and wonder when you are ignored during manic highs and depressive attacks, to not wonder if they are cheating on you, taking your $, to not have to indulge in the raging pity parties.

    I just think that if you are bipolar and know it, you should NOT be in a relationship. No matter how prepared the person is on the other end, it is not a healthy one, since most of the time, by admission by people here, you can’t help being selfish and awful. It should not suck another persons life to take care of everything and worry, and put up with it.

  45. LG August 25, 2008 at 10:27 pm #

    So we deserve to be alone?

    • Debbie S August 25, 2018 at 7:34 am #

      No LG we deserve to have as many people in our lives as the rest of the population does. I think we just form our relationships slower. I know I do. Trust becomes so hard for us, I’m going to try to find someone who will take it really slow with a relationship. Be friends first

  46. denise August 25, 2008 at 11:13 pm #

    LG – I don’t think anyone “deserves” to be alone. But what we are trying to say is that we have been very hurt and continue to be very hurt. We try to understand, we forgive, we stick around, we wait around, we lose our dignity, we give wegive we give!!! ….no matter how much we give, it still happens over and over again. Wat would you do if you loved someone who kept lying, cheating, stealing, disappearing, telling you he loved you… yet none of his actions matched his words?? I guess wat we are trying to say is that we hurt just as badly, it is not JUST bipolar ppl that hurt. I have been very close to wanting to end it all on a number of occasionals –i feel so lost and betrayed, don’t know if he means things or not– so my emotions have been very high and very low at times… it is not JUST bipolar ppl that have it hard and that are in extreme pain and emotional rollercoasters. I have to live every minute of everyday at the moment, completely depressed and lost and hurt– but masking it somewhat so i can go on with life -WE HURT TOO. I just don’t know what the answers are?? I guess I just want 2 find a way 2 let ppl with bipolar realise the pain. We realise ur pain, how can we get u 2 realise ours??

    • audre July 22, 2010 at 4:03 am #

      Yours is an excellent post Denise. We have pain too. I truly believe that if we could all recognize the pain in others, instead of concentrating on our own pain, the world would be a better place.

    • Giovanna fiori May 9, 2012 at 1:17 am #

      Did you ever stop to think that you are the reason that your bipolar person is seeking help? Is medicated? Im 20 and I have bipolar 1 OCD add and psychosis nos, and the only damn reason that I put myself on medication, medication that changes my brain and how it works, that alters my memories, changes the very mechanics and rules of my brain, is so the people around me would stop looking at me like a monster. Yeah we have treated the people we love pretty badly, but at the same time, you who love us make us change to be suitable. No one wants to be jacked up on mind altering medication for the rest of their lives , but we do it. We do it for you.

      Giovanna Fiori

      • Mark May 9, 2012 at 9:51 am #

        Are you serious? You take those meds so we would stop looking at you “like a monster?” You do it for US? You SHOULD do it so you can function better and live your life better and treat people better. We’re sorry you’re BP. We don’t wish that on anyone, least of all someone we really care about. If you truly are taking meds for the sake of appeasing the rest of the world, I would suggest you stop. To try and flip this back to the ones who really want the best for you is not the right answer. There’s a team effort people who’ve dealt with this illness know it takes from everyone to make things better.

  47. rose August 27, 2008 at 5:54 pm #

    No, you bipolar people do not deserve to be alone. I never said that.

    It’s more about everyone getting a fair chance at happiness and healthy relationships.

    If you are about to get in a relationship, it is very important to be completely and brutally honest about your bipolar, and what has happened in the past, and allow that person to read up on it.

    It is also your duty to take care of your health as much as possible. Don’t get into a relationship so someone can take care of your illness, manage it for you, or simply put up with it. I have read so many articles/stories about people who appear to use the relationship to depend on someone to manage their illness.

    It may sound very harsh, but I actually think it is love. To show someone that you are willing to take great care of your illness as much as possible, but also that they love you back to understand the uncontrollable. That you love them enough to let them know truthfully what might be their life with you.

    Anything else is selfish and lying.

    For a minute, put yourself on the other end. There are many on the spousal/partner side who accept that their immense pain and suffering is the product of an illness and who understand past that pain, like Denise said. So, please understand the our side. Would you want to be with someone who could make your life like that? Not unless you had some assurances and full knowledge.

    Also, understand that although we know this is not malice, rather a disease, clinical, etc. It also has ramifications that extend well beyond other conditions and disabilities. It is not living with someone who is diabetic, who had a heart attack, or even Alzheimers. It is not cancer, or being paraplegic. Those caretakers have stresses. But, take a read around and see the spouses in marraige with bipolar partners where things are not truthful, acknowledged, and you will see hurting families, people at the end of their own rope, people who have suffered mental trauma because of this, financial demise, betrayal, hurt, numbness, and literally a house of cards.

    Just be fair. Be honest. Be responsible.

  48. thordora August 27, 2008 at 6:14 pm #

    Rose is right.

    I’ve fucked up and hurt some people in my life who have only tried to help me-because I couldn’t stop using my disease as a crutch to give me permission to be an asshole.

    I am paying for that now. If I could take back so many words and actions…but I can’t and now I understand, fully, what drove someone to search for that phrase.

    I do have feelings. I know that for sure now.

    • anne November 16, 2009 at 4:08 pm #

      we have feelings i cry somtime nowing iv hurt so many poeple in the past when i was drunk it was worst only thought of me me me not mature at all mutch better now

  49. rose August 30, 2008 at 1:57 pm #

    Thank you, thordora.

    I was shocked at the incredulous reaction by so many people here when they read that someone would ask that question about bipolar people.

    It’s about ALL of us having self-awareness, accountability and responsibility.

    That’s not too hard. That’s part of being in the human race. The rules don’t exclude you because you are bipolar. Especially not these days when you have plenty of help for it.

    Many people here with bipolar (and in other places I have read) point to being very blaming, absorbed in self-pity and selfish to the point of not being able to see or admit to things they do. Maybe, this is part of the disease for some really outrageous stuff.

    But, I don’t think it’s an excuse. And, I don’t think it’s an excuse for comments like LG, who instantly assumes I mean that BP people DESERVE to be alone, or that non-BP are cruel to take the option of leaving a relationship.

    Is that being bipolar? Or is it just plain and simple not wanting to be considerate and selfish?

    Are YOU kidding ME? You think it’s cruel to leave a relationship with someone who is very bipolar? No, I think not. If I went to any counselor (and I did), I would be considered in an abusive relationship and told to leave.

    I am sorry you have this disease. But, when you get like that, hurtful and destructive….it is NOT your God-given right to have someone care for you no matter what, and to simply say ‘ooops, I’m bipolar, I’m sorry.”

    Nor is it MY God-given duty to stand by the side of someone like that. I have a right to live a good life, a normal life, if I want to.

    Then, it is MY responsibility to take care of me, and to wonder why I would want to stay in a relationship like that. Even the original poster stated that INTERdependent relationships are hard. So why blame us?

    So, to Denise, I would ask, why is it that you feel you must endure this torture to the point of wanting to harm yourself? Do you not feel that your life is too precious to waste on someone like this? Maybe it’s not intentional, but they are sick and not taking care of it and it is destroying you.

    LEAVE. Staying beyond this is YOUR fault. You know what you are dealing with. Time to make decisions.

    • to close May 9, 2012 at 7:53 am #

      So agree with you Rose, being in a relationship with BPD is very challenging and abusive when they don’t take their meds. Self-pity seems to be the card of choice they play when they are not getting their way anymore. Very manipulating in nature as it is all about me and my sickness. Well if you chose to not take your meds you also chose the consequences of your choice take responsibility for your actions. I am taking responsibility for mine and getting out of an abusive relationship with people who don’t take their meds and think it is acceptable to treat people any way they want due to being “Bipolar”. Find someone else to play the game not interested.

  50. denise September 4, 2008 at 10:42 am #

    hello rose, i totally understand where u r coming from, and I agree. I have not seen him for a couple of months now. Actually, to be honest… this was not my choice. Things were perfect, then I got on a bus to go to work… and he decided to disapear from my life. I wrote to him, email, text, called etc… and hav not heard one word back. Yet he has left msgs on our mutual friends fcebook page and has even spoken on msn with this person. It s very hurtful. Especially after he had talked marriage and children, and moving in with me. I think I may have just been used for sex now, and for a good time, and for the little money I have which he borrowed. Why does he have to take it that far and talk longterm with me… thats just plain cruel. I am not a person to sit back and take crap at all usually, but I tried to be patient and made excuses, and forgave because he is bipolar. I know I will not see him for a very long time. He will pop up one day, could be years from now, as we have known each other since high school and have the same friends… however hopefully i will be strong enough to resist. It is just so hard wen u r in love and u think you have found the one. I am in so much pain at the moment. I am just slowly coming to terms with the fact that I mean nothing to him and he just used me and lied. It hurts to think that i think about him all day, and he probably never spares me a moment’s thought, and is telling other girls all the things he told me about marriage, kids and being soulmates. I am in a lot of pain, but just have to learn to live with it. I think it will take me years to get over this. I don’t fall in love easily, when I do I think it is for life, and when it ends it takes me years to get over. This is the second time I have been in love, last time lasted 6 years and the person did not have a disorder of any kind. I do not feel as though I deserve to be treated this way at all… but I just thought after reading lots of posts that maybe I should try to be more understanding and give him his space. I did everything EVERYTHING and more… yet he still disappeared and I am still nothing to him. I treid so hard to be patient and understanding, supportive… yet nothing worked. My life is precious, I work very hard at my career and work very hard on making myself and my life the best I can make it in all areas… but then I fall in love with this a-hole and it makes everything tougher. Betrayal is the worst. No matter how hard I say “no, it’s over!” there is still a part of me that keeps hoping he will return, and dreaming of a future with him, and thinking about him everyday!!! I hate it!!! Why can I just not forget about him!! He is NO good for me! And clearly, if he returns, it will just be to use me again, because me knows he can, and he knows how easily he can gain my trust and convince me of things. I just have to stay strong!! I hate this pain an yearning though. Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it πŸ™‚

    • Mike March 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

      I would like to reply specifically to Denise. Denise, i completely understand your situation, as i was in the exact same situation a few years ago. To this day, i am still dwelling on this past experience with a bi-polar woman i fell for. I have buried myself in research, study, and understanding this disorder as well as the socio-economic and environmental factors that contribute to this illness. From my experience, falling in love (caring) for a bi-polar person is very similar to caring for a terminally ill child. When the relationship is over, you dont experience the same feelings you would with a mentally stable partner (i.e. – rejection, incompatibility, etc). Instead you feel emphatically for this person, because no matter what you do, no matter how much you do, and no matter how much you care, There is nothing you can do to change this person (believe me, i’ve tried). The worst part is – the pain of caring for a bi-polar person stays with you, your entire life. (much like caring for a terminally ill child.) I have learned to embrace the pain.
      You are left hurt in a way that is almost cosmic, (beyond this world), i.e. – “How could another human-being live this way?” (BTW – im talking Bipolar I, hyper-sexuality.)

      After all the bullshit is over – I am not angry, i am not bitter, i am not sad (although still slightly damaged). I wish to God, there was a way to shake this feeling. I wish there was a price i could pay for peace of mind. I wish i was a wizard that could cure her illness with the touch of my magic wand. I wish i could build a time machine. But i cant. There’s nothing i can do. And that is the hardest part about it. – Walking away from this person was the emotionally hardest thing i have ever done..

  51. kitana September 20, 2008 at 2:36 pm #

    i just read that, and it brought me to tears, all you said, is so true, i was diagnosed just over 18 months ago, and for the whole time since, i have struggled to believe that what i have IS bipolar, i was glad to put a name to what was ‘wrong’ with me, but at the same time, i didnt want it to be this……i hate the lithium, the visits to the psychiatrists, and all the symptoms, but i also love it too, cause it made me who i am!!
    But for all the stuff i have read, heard, and said, this is the first thing that made me feel like someone else really REALLY has the same thoughts and feelings as i do……thanks so much……..your post has made me feel a little less alone in the world!!

    I quit taking medication about 6 months ago, and have only just realised what a mistake that was, i thought i was better off without it, but i know i’m not really, so i guess its time to haul ass back to the doc and get back to treatment…..

  52. Jeri October 5, 2008 at 2:50 am #

    How do I ever find help? The right doctor and the right medicine? This is such a horrible disease and such a horrible way to live. I feel like I am always hurting the ones I love and running off all my friends. What can I do?

  53. Jeri October 5, 2008 at 3:54 am #

    I didn’t say much in the post I just made but trying to keep it short, I am at a cross roads as to whether I am truly bi-polar and feel certain one day that I am and the next that I am only a very strong-willed, Type A personality, possibly with ADHD??? I am in the middle of trying to find a new councellor because the one I have been seeing for 4 years doesn’t seem to have gotten me anywhere. Having gotton copies of my records when she left the practice she was in and started a new one, I just don’t see how she diagnosed me as bi-polar.
    She doesn’t plan to accept insurance at her new practice and at our last visit tried to explain to me why. I am well educated as she told me but many of her patients aren’t and don’t understand the value of her time. She went on to explain “why” she didn’t want to deal with the insurance companies, such as the costs they charge her to be a member of their preferred physicians.
    After reviewing these records, which really had very little information in them, they were basically a check list of things such as, MSE (anyone know what that means) with the choices for that line being Alert Confused Oriented-Alert was always indicated there
    Another Line for Behavior with choices: calm cooperative guarded hostile with calm and cooperative always indicated
    A line for Appearance alwas indicating that I was neat and appropriate
    A line for Affect with the choices being Broad Fair Constricted Flat Expansive she always indicated Broad and Fair with a hand writtin manic thrown in once. She always seemed to see my speech as clear though sometimes rapid and pressured. My thought form, content, and perception always got a wnl (within normal limits) and My insight and judgement were always good and/or fair

    She shows no lab work that was ever ordered and I was on Lamictal until recently when I had developed vertigo and nausaue problems that an ENT thought could be caused by the combination of lLamictal and Cymbalta which I had been on for at least a year. From what I’ve read since, she should have been testing my blood during this time for it’s lamotogene level and didn’t.

    My husband and I decided that I needed to talk to my Family Doctor and I have written him a 2 and 0ne-half page letter voicing our concerns about my treatment. I can’t put my hand on her card right now but she is not a doctor but some type of counsellor and she can perscribe meds with out another signature. I find it strange that when the ENT said that the cymbalta and lamictal could be causing my vertigo that she “only then” ordered a blood test be done to check my lamotrogine level but by the time I could get into the doctor to check it it was all out of my system.

    Now I’m just putting along.

  54. Kiore October 13, 2008 at 1:24 am #

    I can offer a bit of a double perspective; my mother was schizophrenic and bipolar, and I am myself bipolar and a recovering addict. I know what it is like to struggle with demons that most people can’t imagine, I know about the terror of not knowing what is wrong with you or what to expect, the desperation of watching your life fall apart and the indescribable pain of being in the very depths of a suicidal depression.

    To act like a fool in public. To burst into tears at how beautiful a drop of water is and how suddenly connected I was to the whole world. To feel not a whit of grief at the death of the grandmother who raised me.

    I also know what it is like to grow up in a world made forever unstable by mental illness, where nothing was under anyone’s control and nothing in life was ever safe. To have my mother scream obscenities at me for thinking bad thoughts about her. To have her put us through hell for days and then swing into a manic mood, expecting us all to be caught up in it and getting angry when we were still too busy trying to recover. To never, ever be able to enjoy even the most exciting occasions if my mother was present, because I knew that at any time she could — and usually did — have a bad episode and it would all end in screaming and arguments and sometimes worse. To have it take such a toll on your father that you have vivid memories of him snapping and holding a kitchen knife over his stomach, screaming at her whether she wanted him to just stick it in. To never develop good social skills because your only role models are terrible and you don’t get too close to other kids because you don’t want them finding out.

    To have the guilt of knowing all too personally the hell that the person is going through, and still not being strong enough to be able to stand by them and support them. The guilt of knowing it is not their fault that they do what they do, and of knowing that they don’t understand why you are acting the way you are, but to be too wounded by what they do that you can’t do anything but cut yourself off from them completely. To know that you are just like them.

    It is a horrible, ugly thing, but we are all only human and there’s a point where mental illness can wear a person down so badly that despite their best intentions, for their own safety they have to get away. Knowing how badly it will wound the person they love, for reasons beyond their control, and worse, very likely beyond their ability to ever change or comprehend.

  55. Kiore October 13, 2008 at 1:31 am #

    I want to add to that, that I think a big problem is what someone above has already covered; SUPPORT FOR THE FAMILIES. We have a public health group over here called the Schizophrenia Fellowship that does exactly that; it deals solely with people dealing with schizophrenics, not with schizophrenics themselves (except in joint sessions if requested, with the focus as much on the family member).

    I strongly believe that more solid support like that for both the ill person and the people around them, as well as better education to the general public, would make an immense difference in bipolars being able to have healthy relationships. It’s no secret that the mental health systems are overworked and underfunded, or that it can be extremely hard to find the right medication, even if you WANT it. A horrifying number of mentally ill just wind up in jail over and over because they didn’t get proper care and it’s easier to just throw them away as soon as there’s an excuse to.

    It’s an ugly situation right now, but change is being made; slowly, too slowly, but we are certainly improving understanding of and treatment of mental illnesses.

  56. sarah October 20, 2008 at 10:14 am #

    I have myself been on a rollercoaster ride for the last two years.I love my boyfriend with all my heart and he can give me so much love and affection back its overwhelming!But every 5 months or there abouts the cycle begins again,he says i dont make him happy and nothing makes him happy,his behaviour changes and he becomes obsessive about cleaning.He shuts me out completely and goes into his own world.

    I am 23weeks pregnant now and he was so happy about the baby,he told the world he was going to be a daddy.The when i was 18 weeks pregnant it started.The distance,staying out all night getting drunk and among other things he had an anger that i cant explain towards me.He told me hes ‘not in love with me’ and that were over for good,this is the third time its happened now at least.I still go to pieces every time though.He said he wants the baby but he doesnt want me,so i moved back with my mum.In following rows he told me im just jealous because he loves the baby more than he loves me,he told everyone im too controlling and that hes never coming back.I try to get him help and he tells me im calling him mental.

    He said he would come to the babys apts but he was continually abusive so now he has cut all contact with me altogether,he says he ‘doesnt want to hear a word out of me til i go into labour’ i know i havent done anything but its awful being pregnant and feeling so alone. I am strong enough to love him and cope with the mood swings and i have no doubt he will be back before the baby is born i just wish he could see what he is doing and i wish i knew why he leaves?Does anyone here who is bipolar understand why this has happened?this site is brilliant and im so glad i found it

  57. denise October 30, 2008 at 12:37 pm #

    Sarah my dear, my heart goes out to you, you poor sweetheart, I just want to give u a big hug, xoxo. You are very strong, and you seem to be understanding the disease somewhat, the fact that you know he will come back, and the fact that you know that he does not mean this. My bf at the mo is bipolar, and believe it or not the one before him as well?? lol Weird?? haha. I did certainly not go looking for it, but it just happened that way. The first guy had no clue there was anything wrong with him and was completely out of control. He talked of marriage and kids in the next year…. then disappeared from my life one day without a word. Never replied to any texts, calls or emails…. yet still leaves messages on a mutual friends facebook wall… still ignores me as if I never existed. I was so in love, knew him since high school, so dead and numb inside, felt so used. Last time I saw him he was kissing me on the lips saying he loved me, then saying that he would see me later… I got on the bus to go to work, then never saw him again!! I think he got overwhelmed by his feelings for me… so he ditched me. A couple of bipolar ppl have told me (or I have read in posts) that they often ditch ppl before they get ditched. Because they are so paranoid, they always think that the other person is going to hurt them and not want them, especially because they are bipolar. My current bf has it somewhat under control, is aware of his condition, and warned me about it. When he goes into cycles, he explains to me what is going on usually since he knows I have read up on bipolar and understand it somewhat. Sometimes when he is mean to me, he tells me that he can’t help it, he feels like he has to be before I am mean to him, he often tells me that I am mean…. even tho I am not!! He has a lot of paranoia that I am always being unkind and controlling. I am sooooo controlling aparently! I think I can be a little… but he takes it to the next level. I just don’t want him smoking weed all the time!! He has tried every kind of medication out there, and says he cannot take it because it turns him into a zombie with no feeling to the point where he has no personality and even dribbles. Pot just brings him to the right level, and helps him not to get angry or too sad, bc he thinks less. The come down is not good though, and he knows this. I am getting him to try some herbal stuff soon. Anyways…. At the moment he decided that we needed time apart and has not been calling or texting like he used to. In fact if I did not call or text, he probably wouldn’t either. I think he is in a bit of a downer, but I know he is making an effort to sometimes pick up and sometimes text back. Only he is not loving as he usually is… he is short, cold. Seems not interested in talking to me. He warned me of this… so I guess even tho I am a little hurt, I know that he will be back to the loving guy he was again soon. My ex on the other hand because he was not diagnosed, and because he did not know how to deal with his cycles…. he would just go missing all the time and NEVER call or NEVER email/text. I think that what I am noticing wen I look at both relationships and guys is that if you can have an open and honest conversation about their moods (when they are in a good mood), then wen they are in a bad mood you will understand more bc they will have explained to you, and you might even be able to talk to them about it a bit while they are going thru it. They might feel safer being able to talk about it while it is happening if they know that they have already discussed it with you before. I am no expert and everyone is different… but this is what I am noticing. AND they must know they have “bipolar”…. if they don’t then you can def not talk about it with them. Talking is the best. Think of a time in your life that you have been in a really really bad angry mood bc someone did something to you or bc of a fight?? Think about how you felt right afterwards, still angry for a while afterwards…. still on fire, adrenaline still rushing, unable to talk to the person, needing to get away, unable to snap out of it and be happy for a little while….etc etc. Well, this is how they feel, but with the smallest things, and it lasts longer for them. For us it might last minutes or hours, and for some ppl with bipolar it can last weeks, maybe months. They want to get out of the bad angry or sad mood, but they can’t no matter how hard they try. They know it is messing things up, they know its not good but they can’t help it. After a big fight with someone when you give them the silent treatment for example, and they are saying sorry and maybe trying to cheer you up… and you just can’t snap out of it?? Well, that is the same for them…. just way longer. Because they get paranoid very easily over non existent things to us, you just can’t know what will trigger them off. That is why the more you talk about it wen they are in their happy cycle, then the more you will know what to do and not do when they are down and angry at the world and you. Not that any of this will def help…. but it might…. anythin is worth a try. This is just wat I am experiencing at the mo, a little insight. Your boyfriend has probably been gone for longer this time bc while he is by himself and not around ppl he can stay in that down cycle. Wen you are around ppls it is easier to get out of it/snap out of it eventually, especially if you are around acquaintances/friends, not best friends or family. Also, the more he is alone, the more he has time to think and get paranoid, and come up with crazy ideas that he thinks you might be doing to him, especially by having his baby…. but he means none of them. Next time he comes back (since he has been gone for a while) he might be in his happy mood. So talk to him when he is in this state, tell him it hurt and you just want to understand what you should or should not do, and how you can or cannot help him. Ask what is going on in his head when this happens… happy cycle and angry/sad cycle. I wish I could do more. Stay strong. You have a little bundle of joy on the way πŸ™‚ It is prob a good idea that you stay at your mum’s place because if you are around him while he is angry/sad, he will bring you down into an extreme depression which you do not need, esp while pregnant. I understand that you must be going crazy at the moment just waiting around to see what happens, unable to see him, speak to him. Just know he will be back and happy soon, and then you can try and talk with him. I wish you all the best dear. Please keep me posted. The site is always here for support during those difficult times πŸ™‚

  58. sarah November 2, 2008 at 11:39 pm #

    I have avoided contact with him for a few days now and friends have noticed his mood is subdued,hes not as manic as he was.He has lost weight and although he is still drinking something seems to have changed.I am still keeping my distance however as suddenly the abusive text messages have stopped,he sent me two messages regarding my mail and i have ignored them.I want to make sure i dont trigger him again.If he wants me back he knows where i am and at the moment although he still wants full involvement with the baby he has gone dead quiet,nothing for 5 days now.I am still devastated as the last conversation we had he told me he didnt want me and to get over it but i have brushed it off,ive heard it all before.One thing that has startled me though is a message he put on his facebook profile on thursday(facebook is a socil networking site)a friend sent me it to have a look at as he has closed hi profile off to me in the last few days.In his ‘about me’ section it read:

    ‘I’m probably the biggest contradiction you’ll ever meet – I have huge double-standards, I drink and party with my friends far too much, I’m selfish and I like things done my way. But for a good reason – I’ve tried every other way and it doesn’t work!When someone you love needs you, nothing else should even be capable of getting in the way. I can be a cold-hearted bastard but still love you more than life. That’s just me.’

    It is about our situation clearly but such an odd thing to write.He has left me pregnant and offered no support when i came to him and asked for it,and all i asked him to do is to slowdown his social life. Can anyone understand it from a bipolars point of view??

  59. Mely November 5, 2008 at 3:34 pm #

    Hey Denise

    I am so sorry for us. Everything you wrote is exactly what I just went through. I didn’t get a chance to really fall for him, but it was headed that way. We lived 8hrs away, but saw each other every two week. This went on for four months. He said I was the most important thing to him. He wanted us to be together, sent me presents and beautiful cards every week, and we were on the phone all throughout the day for hours at night too, until we could see each other. He even put his home up for sale to move here to the south. He told his friends he was in love and was getting married (hadn’t told me yet-he was saving that to tell me in person the next time we saw each other).
    Everything was fine, he did tell me two months into the relationship that is was bipolar and was on seraquell. He had said he had even agreed to be filmed in his mania to get the meds which were 1200.00 a month with no insurance. I didn’t bother to learn about Bi-Polar because in my naiveness, I thought a pill would take care of everything.
    In early september, he told me he had stopped taking his meds for a few days because they make him tired. That may have caused the depressive state to kick in because literally in 2 days I was dealing with someone I didn’t know. Suddenly, he had no interest in coming to visit or even me coming up there. Said he had to make it through the day first before he could think about that. He complained of being very tired and fatigued, and he lost track of time during the day. (He owns his own business (landscaping) so he isn’t under the confines of a 9-5 job and could at least get to work and do what he had to do).
    He became very inconsistent calling me. No more texts, and where we talked 4-5 times a day, he barely called me at all and when he did it is as you said, very cold and distant. Plus everything I said seemed to agitate him. If I asked him was he okay and are we okay, he didn’t want to talk about it and said “he couldn’t care about anybody until he could care about himself.” But yet would tell me everything is fine, just hang in there. I have been depressed sometimes too….what I don’t understand is what makes a bipolar person turn on people close to them like this?
    Within about 10 days, he had started to disappear for a day at a time and not call at all or call me very late. When we did talk he wasn’t loving at all or affectionate like he was everyday for the first four months. It seemed as you said….that he was making an effort to stay in touch but thats about it.
    I tried to be supportive as he had told me some about what happens to him. I saw him manic but didn’t understand. After he drove 8hrs one time to see me, when he got out of his car he started bouncing up and down like a pogo stick, like 15 times. I had to make him stop because that kind of flipped me out. He also was very abrasive to my friends that he met. Scared them at first but then his charming side won them over.
    The decision I made to break up with him happened after almost 3 weeks of this. We talked and he was very detached from me it seemed. He said “that us talking on the phone” didn’t mean that much to him. Before he had said that we were closer on the phone than 2 people sitting in the same room. He also said that I had not been on his mind alot. And I am the one that is getting “tighter” in the relationship than him and he needed to start being cautious….This was literally 10 days after he bought me a ring and told his best friend about it (who is my friend too).
    Anyways I made the decision after a month of dealing with this to walk away for my own sanity. I tried to understand. I’m fine but it hurts because I miss the good side of him.
    He did send me a few snippy texts, and a couple nice ones plus 2 calls that didn’t leave a message, but I haven’t returned any. I guess I wanted to give him some time to come out of this. I am a little remorseful today, its been 6 weeks and I’ve heard no more from him. Sad and glad but will survive.
    I guess I just want to understand. I don’t talk to his friend about this as I don’t want to put him in the middle. Last time I saw his friend 2 weeks ago we chatted and it was never mentioned. I talked to his friend yesterday finally as even he wanted to know what happened because my ex hasn’t even talked to him about it. So I told him why I deciced to leave and he understood and would never have set us up if he knew what was really going on with the guy I was with. Seems like my ex-b wasn’t even honest with his best friend about the Bi-Polar. They all knew he would get depressed from time to time but thats it.
    Thanks for reading everyone, I am so happy to have found y”all and this site. If anyone has any words of encouragement or insight from someone who is bipolar and understands my situation I would greatly appreciate it as it may help me to have some closure.
    Hang in there Denise and God bless you and your baby Sarah. I will keep everyone in my prayers. We will be fine.
    Take care….Mely

  60. annie3472 November 6, 2008 at 12:56 am #

    Wow, reading everything is so incredible. My fiance and I have lived with my bipolar I disorder for 7 years. Like many other sufferers it took many confusing years to figure out what was wrong.

    The disorder is progressive and I hit bottom a few years ago. My concern is that maybe some of the sufferers mentioned are dealing with mixed disorders or are just selfish people. While I’ll admit I could be horribly selfish, with my disorder, I sought the help I needed to save our relationship.

    Fortunately my fiance stuck through it with me because I was wrongly diagnosed with major depression first. I’m sure some of you know what can happen to a bipolar person if they are just given depression medication…..it turned me into a true monster. I had to drink every day just to handle the anxiety. It was the strangest feeling…like being both manic and depressed at the same time! I lied about the drinking, all the time, because I was so ashamed and scared. I actually felt like I was truly going insane, depersonalizing all the time, like I wasn’t even inside my body.

    I finally changed psychiatrists and got things straight. I am now taking Lamictal, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin. In the beginning I was taking the highest doses. I have cut way back but will never stop taking the meds. There is no cure. It is an awful disease for everyone involved. It sounds harsh, but I told my fiance he had a choice to stay or to go. He chose to ride the storm. Thank God that he saw the person behind the disorder. I have been stable for 3 years and will be marrying the man of my dreams in May!

  61. Mely November 6, 2008 at 3:18 pm #

    Annie..that is wonderful! Im so happy for you. I wish my story could be the same. I was wondering if you dealt with the depressive side at some point in your life. What is it like? Did you close people off? What does is mean when bipolar folks say they are selfish?
    What causes the changes from caring for someone to dis-interest in them totally? Sorry Im asking so many questions. I was doing fine for the first month after I broke up with him. Guess I was a little angry, but now Im started to miss him, only I miss the man that I knew as normal and who deeply cared about me which was the first 4 months of our relationship. Only in the last 3-4 weeks did I deal with his depressive side which took over him in about 2 days. It hurt to have him become so detached and cold to me. Plus him starting to avoid and delay calling and coming to see me. That is why I had to walk away. It just hurt me too much to be treated this way. Especially because at first I thought he had found someone new. But he is not with anyone at all I hear.
    One more question…what happens to the mind when he gets back to normal? Or his hypomania? Will his feelings return for the way he was a few months ago? Do some bipolar folks kind of pick up where they left off and their old feelings return, or do they just move on to a new stage in their life and not think about us anymore.
    I would appreciate any help anyone could give me on this…especially from someone who is dealing with bipolar themselves.

    Thanks again everyone…..Take care, Mely

  62. matsu November 10, 2008 at 1:51 pm #

    I just found this site after having a re-connection to an old friend who I have loved and cared for since my younger days. He mentioned that he was bipolar and though I only read a little, I should have investigated further because now my feelings match so many of the stories above. I wish so much that I had delved into all of this because all of your testimonials have given me so much insight and validation for what I am now going through. I have never been so hurt by someone in such a short time.
    When we first reconnected–he found me on the internet—he was in an angry and depressed phase….he is brilliant, so intelligent, but had incredibly low self-esteem, self hatred….Yet, was also self-centered, unaware of my needs. I helped him through an enormously stressful time being incredibly supportive….and felt in a way, that I got sucked into his mini highs and lows….thinking it was all due to the stress in his personal life with family and demanding mother.
    Not linking any BP to his behavior….due to total ignorance on my part, I really took him seriously in everything he said. He was so loving and vulnerable….though I was hurt when I discovered something that he kept from me, and that precipitated my confronting all the little things that we do when new to someone….allowing for learning about them and being open and accepting. I won’t go into the details, but when I confronted him again with more questions about how his behavior had hurt me—he turned on me in a flash. Like many of you here, he was SO cold and dismissive and even after I apologized profusely when seeing that I did maybe say some things which were too blunt…..he never acknowledged his part in everything.
    He has now reduced me to the “masses” of his cyber life….which I understand now is an easy way for them to hook up and get reassurances. He is now seemingly manic to me—his writing gets more cryptic, jokey and slightly erratic. From what I have read, this “on top of the world” feeling makes them think everything is so great and easy. He does not need me now and like many, I feel used.
    I still have a deep love for this person, held precious for decades….I have felt so hurt and rejected by the things said to me, in the coldest manner, that somehow I feel maybe that to leave any hope of reconnecting with him I need to remind myself how cruel he was. The ironic thing is that he said I was a violent person and I am not in the least violent. My honesty with him, though blunt (because I thought he was strong) was seen as venom. He couldn’t even see that I cared so much for him and had so much faith in that he could face his fears—and that I was here. It is hard to see someone you love suffer.
    I know my experience doesn’t match the level of a lot of you, but I guess it is the same loss I feel. I only wish I had found this topic to research earlier as though it might not have altered the inevitable, I might’ve had a chance to grow a bit more with this person.
    I don’t know what I would do if he resumes contact–as now I have more to understand about him. It is kind of sad to hear many speak of the self-centerdness, narcissism and lack of acknowledgement…but I experienced all of this and addressed it to no avail. It’s sad because we ALL need to be loved and appreciated for WHO we are, not what we do–loving them. And interestingly, he talked all the time about “what you do” not say….and yet…..
    thanks for sharing all of your heartaches….so much in this world.

  63. matsu November 10, 2008 at 1:59 pm #

    Just another thing–I wrote in because I was very interested in what Mely wrote above. I too would like to know if someone who is BP or who can answer in the know—about her questions regarding how someone w/BP can be so dismissive and cold….and do they return to other contrary feelings when they are more even keel?
    It would interest me very much in how they perceive the world as I’ve been reading that there is a paranoia, or fear of rejection, etc. etc.
    My guy was fairly cognizant….stated–I will not get into a relationship because I don’t want to mess up someone else’s life. Breaking hearts is not the same, I guess.

  64. sarah November 10, 2008 at 3:08 pm #

    in response to do they come back….well yes they do and its almost as though everything is forgotten and never even happened!my ex has been back 5times and he told me he hated me two of them.Another time i went up to talk to him and ended up back together and getting a takeaway like nothing happened!!!This time is different as im pregnant,friday night i had a nasty text message because i was out somewhere he didnt approve of, and believe me it was poison!I heard nothing all weekend and the today i got this message…..


    Thanks for sending this through, really appreciate it.
    I just want to say sorry for what I sent you on Friday night. I heard you were in venue and I was furious, after all we’d both said I just couldn’t understand why you would go somewhere like that. But it was still not a nice thing to say and I’m sorry. I still can’t agree with you going places like that when you’re 6 months pregnant, but there’s clearly no point telling you as you’re going to do what you want, regardless of whether it’s a good idea or not. If that’s you being stubborn and wanting to ‘win’, then well done, you have. I can’t see what you could have possibly ‘won’ from it, but that’s just my opinion.

    Do you think we will be able to meet up and talk at any time? I would really like to feel her move, and there’s still lots for us to sort out for her. I think we should draw up a list of all the things we’ll need for her and then I can plan out what stuff to get and when best to get it. And we can talk about names a bit more if you want.

    Let me know what you think.

    This is totally dismissive of my feelings but at the same time apologetic and careful!No longer angry selfish and arrogant!In a few more weeks he will be like himself again and i will be left to deal with the hurt of the episode.I just wish he would see what he is doing.They doo come back but if you want a loving stable relationship it is almost impossible as there is no cure.I love him and i will always be there for him in any form no matter what but please be prepared for a rollercoaster ride,especially if they are unmedicated

  65. sarah November 10, 2008 at 9:43 pm #

    a further update on my situation,i told him reluctantly that i would try to get him involved with the baby and his reply was very hostile as if he had taken offense that i was so negative!I phoned him and he has clearly reached his angry depressed stage,i fought with him for half an hour!I told him it feels like i mean nothing to him and that if it was my life or the babys life in the labour room he would choose her without a thought!I also told him he was cold,distant and nasty and that he would rather comfort a stranger than support me!By the end of the conversation we finally arranged to meet this wednesday and discuss the baby…..but no more.Then something significant happened,he told me he finds it hard to show emotion to many people and most of all to me,he would find it easy to comfort a stranger but almost impossible with me because they are not a threat to him.I asked him how i was a threat and he said you can hurt me they cant.I tried to get off the phone and he said just one more thing just for the record if you and the baby were at stake i would save you every time.I cried my eyes out and told him how much that meant to me.We are now meeting wednesday and i think he is finally out of his manic phase and into the depression,he told me hes been off of cocaine for 2 weeks now and i told him how proud i am of him.Not sure if he will come back to me again but i hope so.

  66. Cerra November 12, 2008 at 4:56 pm #

    “Suddenly, I see all my wrongs, and I’m pentient, and unaware of how to fix it.”

    Ditto. This thing…sucks.

  67. Michael November 14, 2008 at 3:49 am #

    wow…….. i don’t even know where to start. i wish i would of known all the things that i just read. i was just in a relationship for two years, and let me tell you it was a ROLLERCOASTER! i have been hit many times and kicked out of the apartment several times as well. the feelings of…she really don’t care about me, i am never good enough for her, when is the next episode gonna take place, and constant blame on me for things that were not happening. The word LOVE is an understatement for the ways i truely felt about her but it all became to much and didn’t know how to deal with it all anymore and it was ruining our relationship. The biggest factor is that she hasn’t even seen a doctor at all before knowing me or while i was with her, and the real truth is….she is bipolar. This all does make my heart hurt because of the real and true feelings that i had for her. But all of these episodes destroyed our relationship. I was always there for her no matter the situation and every time i kicked out or punched i was always there the next day right beside her. and always wonder to myself is she really this heartless to not even say sorry for the way she acted the previous day…. When the worst episodes accured she was usually had been drinking that night. And anybody out there that know’s anything about bipolar disease will tell you that alcohol is NOT a good mix. Because those nights ended in very bad ways and no matter what i ever tried to do to calm her down to JUST talk always made things worse. another time….. i was diagnosed with diabetes myself out of NO WHERE and does NOT run in my family…anyway the day i was released from the hospital i was kicked out of the house and my insulin and needles right beside me! i thought she is really just crazy as i was gathering my stuff and crying myself as i have had a lot to deal with myself as i was only out of the hospital after being diagnosed for maybe 7 or 8 hours….once again i thought to myself is she really that heartless? …… And if we would go out for a night….I would always be accused of staring at other girls or her friends which was FAR from the truth….but no matter my opinion or explaining that i am not doing that it most always lead to a very intense situation! But all in all i really did think this girl was goin’ to be my future wife and never did anything to ever hurt her in anyway and always there for her no matter what might of happened the night before. But now i am single and my heart does hurt, i just couldn’t do it anymore and NOTHING ever changed. i guess i wish i would known more info but in my opinion if you are dealing with someone who is bipolar and they have NOT been diagnosed or even willing to sit down with a counslor and just talk it is a battle that i myself could not ever win and truely help her. she is a good person when and if she will allow you too see her heart. but all that i have been through, i got to my own break point and couldn’t do it anymore. and yes i sit here and feel like shit because she really is sick and does need some major help. but the feelings of never being good enough for her and the episodes were truely tearing my own heart up and i did think she was heartless sometimes. and yes i do know she really did love me and care and knowing what i know now she just don’t know how to show her affection and true emotions. i did lose someone i loved very deeply and can only hope she will take it upon herself and get the medical help she needs. Being diabetic myself allows me understand all of this a lot better. I wish something would of been done before everything got ruined because when i decided that i couldn’t take it all anymore and my own stress levels were way too high you can only imagine the extremes she has went to, to get me back in her life…which some where not good at all and not some things you do to get back someone you love but as i just found out the disease called bipolar can do many things when not treated. i will always love her though! and she might not ever see it that way. which really does suck for both of us!

  68. thordora November 14, 2008 at 9:26 am #

    I’ve opened forums-please, feel free to take the conversations to


    Makes answers, shoulders and help a little easier to give.

  69. annie3472 November 16, 2008 at 4:58 pm #

    okydoky….true there is no cure, for this disease, but some of us take personal responsibility to get the help we need to become “stable” people. When I went through the depressive moments (ha…moment meant an entire year once). I did my best not to close people off. There is no way to explain how this type of depression turns the actual visible world darker and you can physically feel it pulling your face into a frown. You swing between feeling completely numb to tortured for no particular reason. We sometimes actually shut people out because we feel guilty and don’t want others to suffer with us. Yes bipolar disorder can be a selfish disease but it can be very debilitating and selfish for the person suffering as well as those surrounding. Some people will go through their mood swings and then return to the ones they have hurt. It truly depends on how we actually feel about someone in our lives. While we have a disease we also have dreams of love and forever after. If we don’t come back it’s not necessarily because we are sick but because the relationship just isn’t right. Everyone has a right to stay in or leave a relationship. I was always forward with my fiance. I let him know he had a choice. It’s not an easy disease but he stayed with me. He also realizes that he’s not perfect and hasn’t always been the most wonderfully thoughtful person. Maybe that’s why we work. We both admit having our pluses and minuses. But, as I mentioned, in my last note, I have been stable for three years now. Yes, I can overreact sometimes and may not be able to deal with stress all the time. But, it is possible to have a “normal” life if there is such a thing.

  70. Sad girl January 4, 2009 at 10:56 pm #

    I’m sitting here about to cry after reading you post. I’m pretty sure my guy friend (almost boyfriend) is bipolar and is too scared to tell me. We haven’t talked in a few days after over a month of perfectness. I’ve known him for a year and it has crossed my mind a few times that he might be. Now.. well i think he is and i’m very sad. I want to be in an interdependant relationship with him but maybe that just isn’t going to happen. I know that he doesnt want to hurt me. But this does. :[

  71. josie February 22, 2009 at 7:53 pm #

    I was involved in a love relationship with a man, who was the most wonderful, attentive, caring human being for four months. He told me he loved me. He called me every day, two or three times a day. He called me his special girl. He gave me his gold chain at Christmas and put it on me, to keep it over my heart.
    Then on New Year’s Day, over a jealousy issue on my part, because he had a drunk woman sleeping on his couch, for the night, he decided to cut me out of his life in the most horrendous way. He called the police and threatened to have me arrested if I ever returned to his home.
    He had told me that he had been taking lithium for depression and had had electroconvulsive therapy, but I didn’t know it could have been bipolar disorder.
    From the drastic change, from loving to just mean and hateful that he displayed and to the trauma of having the police called to keep me away, do you think it sounds like bipolar? Do you think he feels badly now? Do you think he might ever call me again? In spite of it all, I am still in love with the nice part of him, the one who was loving and kind for four months.
    Please help me by replying,


  72. josie February 22, 2009 at 8:00 pm #

    I forgot to ask, do you think that any man in a normal state of mind would be capable of doing such a thing to a girl they love or even to a friend?

    Do you know anyone to whom something like this has happened?

    It has left me totally traumatized. I keep on having flashbacks about it and my self esteem has suffered terribly.

    I had to take time off work and have been recuperating from a very depressed state. I felt as if I am not meant to be loved or respected. After all the one I loved the most treated me so cruelly and never called me again. It has been two months now and I still haven’t heard from him. I know he doesn’t have anyone else. Does it sound as if he might be going through mania or depression? If so, he still is hanging out at the same pub as he did before. If he was ill how could he still cope in that regard?


  73. Richard May 20, 2009 at 12:23 pm #

    I just want to say a big thank you every body in these forums.
    thank you for the people with bipolar and allowing people to see how you think, how you feel, how you realise.

    thank you to the people (like me) who have/are been in a relationship and sharing your feelings.

    i have been very flustered recently with everything that is happening to me and my kids, and it is great that i can finally get some real perspective on the condition (i don’t like to think of it as a disease) and what Lisa is going through at the moment.

    my real regret is that i could not find this out earlier as now it is too late for me to be of any help to Lisa as it has got so bad that for my safety i can no longer be on the estate where she lives

    so once again
    thank you all
    you are all heroes

  74. sunny December 21, 2009 at 10:00 pm #

    Wow. Do we really have feelings? Does anyone have stronger feelings?

    I’m often baffled by the lack of empathy not only by laypersons but by therapists themselves.

    But, you couldn’t have answered this question any better.

    When my heart is breaking I literally feel like I am being stabbed or shattering from the inside out. It could be a simple comment taken the wrong way or as serious as the evening news. When I am happy I am very happy. I am no longer manic. But my moods still shift a little.

    Yes, I am properly medicated. I too refuse to be numbed. My Psych Doc is not a proponent of numbing people either.

    If I could define Bipolar Disorder in two words they would be: “I FEEL”.

  75. Mark February 8, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    The question is legit from a partners point of view. We long to be recognized, we too long to be loved. Depending on the level and the intensity of the illness, we too are lost. How do I REALLY help?. How do I REALLY connect?. We long for there true feelings because they are in manys our batteries. One I love you recharges us. One intimate gesture gives us hope. Selfishness on our part? Hell yes,but we rationalize it by saying see what I do, see my love.

    My trainwrecks and horror stories are similiar to many post. Not knowing what I was dealing with for 20 yrs until it was too late was a real slap in the face.

    It takes a special person to stay in what at times seems like a one way relationship. To give and expect or hope for nothing doesn’t make sense to many.. We hope those brief flashes of happiness could fill our life more.

  76. Lost and found/Robert March 11, 2010 at 10:13 pm #

    She told me she loves me and we made all kinds of plans of how we were going to live for the rest of our lives toghether. We shared the most intimate details and our deepest feelings. We were going to live life like a wonderful dream. Then she told me she will throw me out when I am sixty. That we really have nothing in common except hot sex. that we come from two diffrent worlds. she told me she hates me and never wants to see me again. with in two hrs she unfriended me on fb and replaced her picture with a laughing and the most spiteful looking picture I have ever seen. She looks like she is stairing strait at me and telling me with her eyes how much she hates me and is glad to be rid of me. Maybe the people with bipolar do not have it as bad as we think. They can walk into your hear telling you stories of abuse and what a perfect wife and mother they are.. Turn around and rip your heart out. Go out with her friends and screw the first guy she meets. And not even feel one tiny bit of guilt or remorse. The more I think about it the more I feel she had intentionally told me all the nice things just so it would hurt more when she trashed me. Maybe this time she will not come back. Maybe this time she knew what she was doing and does this often. Am I feeling resentful and used? Your god damn right I am.. Do I still love her? you damn well better believe I do.. But the feeling is going away now. She may come back before its gone.. But I dont know

  77. Lost and found/Robert March 11, 2010 at 10:23 pm #

    Do they know what love truly is? Are they willing to learn to love someone as much if not more then they love themself? Is the manic high they are on worth everything in the world to them? I have no idea what part of her I am even seeing…. if shes depressed why go out and have sex with people she does not even know? And if she is manic why is she not happy to be in this state with me? Sad she runs away and screws people?… manic she comes to me for sex? I have no idea what is going on… Will I allow her to destroy me? I hope not..But I dont know that ether.

  78. Mark March 11, 2010 at 10:24 pm #


    Sure wish somebody could enlighten us on the promiscuity side of the illness and why there is such a disconnect to realizing the damage their doing. Heard that story many, many times and for partners who are faithfull, it’s often a relationship breaker and rightly so. IS that their intent?

  79. Lost and found/Robert March 11, 2010 at 10:46 pm #

    To me the thought of another man being intimate with my girl kills me. I have never cought her because i never looked. Afraid of what I will find and how I will react. But when she takes off the way she does and with the certain friend of hers and this amount of spitefulness in her I am sure that is whats going on.

  80. Mark March 11, 2010 at 10:50 pm #

    Brace yourself for the reality. That is what is going on I am sorry to say. Why, I sure wish I knew or could possibly understand myself. It’s on a level I’m definetly not familiar with.

  81. audre March 18, 2010 at 2:29 pm #

    Thank you for the question. It is one that I have asked myself many times and it is good to see it in print. Selfishness does seem to be an issue in, not just bipolar but, all types of mental illness.

    One person I know (only one person, mind you!) got his life together without drugs when he accepted that his reaction to simple things were way out of proportion to normal. He worked with me to explore why he felt such intense emotion over anyone/anything that he felt was against him. We explored fear and its roots and I gently coaxed him into all the situations that produced fear. I got him to understand that others were worthy of consideration and to think of them first before having a reaction. He has been well and normal for eight years. Sometimes I remind him of how things were and he finds it hard to believe that he was actually paralyzed with fear and selfishness for thirty odd years of his life.

    If a person can find the courage to face themselves and their actions change is possible. But that is the hardest thing any one of us can do… see ourselves. Jesus said to take the log out of our own eye before removing the speck from the eye of another. Bobbie Burns said, “Would that God the gift he gie us to see ourselves as others see us?” It is not easy but it can be done in some circumstances.

    Please don’t think I am making light of mental illness. I am trying to find ways to restore peace to people who suffer far too much.

  82. Mark March 18, 2010 at 4:18 pm #

    Very well put. Dear close friend is struggling with BP and a handful of other Mental Health issues. Self reflection is one of the keys to getting well. She’s 27 but has stories very few 100 year old persons would have experienced in their lifetime. What she does in a wk of cycling would take me a month and when their not healthy choices, I’m sure the internal pain and struggle is felt 4 times more then the way I am able to deal with difficult times. I’m learning the hard way while we need all the help we can get, social services is strectched past capacity to deal with what is out there at times. BP patients sleeping on floors, SS staff telling me they can longer do there REAL job. Stabilize em, medicate em and get them out the door, there is long line at the front. This may possibly be a hidden epidemic, I’m told diagnosed 10yrs ago as just depression, no real meds except lithium, ritulin, etc, etc. BP flips your family like a pancake everyday. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

  83. audre March 19, 2010 at 11:34 am #


    There doesn’t seem to be much help… you are right. It is a revolving door as the cycles keep repeating. Is anyone out there exploring the lack of empathy and a way to restore it? It seems to me that the emphasis has been placed on masking the symptoms, rather than finding ways to address them.

    My heart bleeds for my family member who is oblivious to anything but his own desires. I can help strangers but can’t begin to get through to my own.

  84. MARK March 19, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

    If I were a conspiracy theorist, I think I could run with the water being poisoned angle as why people are getting BP. Some of the facilities I’ve seen in the last 2 months were a joke, the doctors a joke. Makes me want to go open my own pysch clinic. There hs to be BIG bucks in helping folks with this condition. Give em a placebo, charge em 5k for meds, listen to them for a few hrs, charge em 5k for Therapy, put em to bed, charge 2k for housing and tell em in the am. Your fine, we all got problems.

    One of the destructive sides of all this we’re wrestling now with are the delusions. How in the world am I able to help someone when I cannot for the life of me figure out what is going on. Some places due to privacy and being 27 tell us, hey she’s getting the help she asked for, let us do our job. Yeah right. You can’t even remember her name. Let alone the fact that your getting played like a violin and don’t care. One doc in the last wk gave it to us straight. Your on your own out there now. You better become a master researcher and solve your own problems. I up for a no med period seriously. Can’t be any worse then what I’m going thru on this spin cycle.

  85. MARK March 19, 2010 at 4:30 pm #

    Online support group I’m starting. Feel free to email me at ISingapore1@aol.com.

  86. audre March 19, 2010 at 4:48 pm #

    Mark, I sent you an email.

    Feel free to email me if you want to discuss the no med angle.

  87. rivera July 21, 2010 at 10:30 pm #

    ? doubts about bipolar people?

  88. audre July 22, 2010 at 3:54 am #


    Can you explain your doubts?


  89. robert/lostandfound October 9, 2010 at 3:12 pm #

    Hi everyone… We all all ine= the same mix… So mamy people with BP its a wonder its not more talked about oin the main streem media.. Everyone involved going through the same stuff.. After spending months bobbing and weaving my way around I gave up but still feel the strong emotions by my xgf.. The more I learned the harder it got to keep myself in the race..I would guess if my standing in life with her was a deck of cards Id be folded somewhere very near the bottom or tossed from the deck.. 😦 But I am learning to understand her and then I dont feel so bad.. In the time I was with her and doing all this research I think I added some BP traits to myself.. I notice I still am on the roller coaster even months after shes gone.. Thanks for letting me babble…

  90. robert/lostandfound October 9, 2010 at 3:13 pm #

    Hi Audre…

    • audre October 9, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

      Hey Robert,

      How are you?

  91. robert/lostandfound October 9, 2010 at 6:41 pm #

    Im fine Audre how are you? .. The other email string (why do bipolar push people away) is so large my computer was having trouble sending my post.. I told a few of the people there to come to this one… You have always been a great help.. Going for a ride with my brother I will look for you on here soon ok.

  92. audre October 10, 2010 at 12:47 pm #

    There is a lot of activity and that slows things down on the blog. Why don’t we start a Yahoo group?

  93. robert/lostandfound October 11, 2010 at 6:29 am #

    I think most of the people on here like the open forum.. this string is good I left a note on the other one to come here. maybe it will pick up.. How have you been doing?

    • josie October 11, 2010 at 6:44 am #

      Hi Robert,

      Not very well. My BP came back in my life last year in October. We ran into each other at the drugstore. It was as if nothing had ever happened. He was nice to me. I called him and we picked up from where we left off before he had called the police on me the year before. I couldn’t believe it. It was my dream come true to have him back. He had no recall of the horrible night he sent me away or calling the cops or anything. All he said was that the relationship was beginning to feel like a sponge that would have swallowed him up, so he had to get away I guess.Funny because he was the one calling me all the time, not the other way around. Well, after eight months of rekindling our relationship, although he was more distant this time/ wanted to be friends/ although signed his emails with ‘love’ and called me to say he had always loved me…. now he is gone again… won’t answer any of my calls or emails… stone cold gone. I don’t know if he just isn’t into me or if he is truly bipolar. If anyone can answer this please let me know. I wait every day for a sign that he will be back.

  94. robert/lostandfound October 11, 2010 at 7:11 am #

    Hi Josie

    Its not your fault and there is almost no way to avoid it when we fall in love with someone who has BP.. They endear us to them.. First we know they have it.its always brought up even if its a quick my Dr says thing and then dropped second when we are left wondering for months at a time how long will it be before we are left alone..it makes us on edge..when they come back eyes full of tears we want to hold them and never let go…And when they turn the tables around and cast us out of there life we are left alone to wonder what it was we did wrong..Its not us Josie its them.. I am up again at 5am and I dont have work today..I wake up all the time deep in depression I need to walk it off.. I will go back to sleep for a few hrs soon but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in this.. They shuffle us into there life like a the ave in a deck of cards..we start off on top and then the shuffling starts and we lose our place in the deck.. often ending up on the bottom or cast away.. yes they can leave us for a number of reason just as a non bp can do.. But its not the same because we go from the person they adore to the person they fear..fear has many faces.. fear of being in love and being hurt..fear of commitment.. fear that we will interfere with there routins and there need to run away.. Ran into a woman that works with my xgf.. we started chatting very light talk about there job.. I told this woman I used to date her and at first she clammed up with the look of fear in her eyes.. but soon opened up and informed me there is a side to my x I do not want to know..I was told she can be down right cruel to the lesser employees and kiss the ass of her bosses at the same time..Always does what it takes to get ahead without any thought to the people she uses as a stepping stone.. I was also told she has been out recently due to a medical condition that she contracted some sort of STD. She went on and on so I just let her talk.. Sometimes I feel the way they live scared paranoid etc is due to the way they live there lives..if every few months they start a relationship that last a month or two and then run away and with in days or weeks start another you can imagine the list of broken hearts and pissed off people they leave behind.. I am going back for a few Zzz’s I just wanted to touch base with you.. im here for u if I can help..

  95. robert/lostandfound October 11, 2010 at 7:24 am #

    I have heard about them coming back like nothing ever happend or no momorey of what caused them to split..But I have yet to have it happen to me.. Id like to find out more about this? if anyone is out there who feels like talking I could really use some insight on this?

  96. josie October 11, 2010 at 1:00 pm #

    Hi Robert,

    Thank you for your kind reply. I can tell you that yes, mine did come back eight to nine months later, with no recall of what he had said or done. See, until he called the cops to get me away from his house, he had been calling me every day three or four times a day. Then the silent treatment for eight months. I tried to call or email, but he rebuked me by saying that I was stalking him and that should I continue to call or email he would call the police again. He told me I looked like an old lady and dressed like one and he wasn’t interested in me any longer. He used to tell me I was beautiful and young like Snow White. Go figure! I cried so much. He destroyed me really. I had to take time off work and my studies to cope. I went into a depression. It has taken me two years to find balance again. He did come back last October and as I said he didn’t remember having done anything wrong to me. He took up again as if nothing had happened: calling, sending me jokes, telling me he loved me etc…. He cut me off again in June this year because I showed up to his place unannounced. He took offence to this and yelled at me. That was three and a half months ago. If I have tried to call he has hung up on me. He doesn’t reply to emails. I expect he will run into me again or somehow make contact. I don’t know, but due to what has happened before I believe he might. He told me once that he does and says things that hurt people and that when he realizes what he did/said, he has to apologize because he feels so badly about it. He has been married twice and his second wife and he are still friends. I believe she is his support person. He has had many many women. This is a sign of bipolar behaviour. I loved him / still do, so much, but he has broken me. I already didn’t have high self esteem and he has taken me down to the darkest realms of my own mind’s suffering. I started drinking to numb the pain. I am trying to stop that behaviour now, as I am beginning to understand that the flaw is not in me, but in his illness. This is the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. I agree with you that more of this should be explained in the mainstream media. People like us should be made aware and warned of this type of danger. These people are, albeit not on purpose, the proverbial wolves in the forest, ready to pounce on innocent little red riding hoods. They eat our hearts out.

    • Wishing well October 11, 2010 at 7:59 pm #

      Yes Robert they come back…and then they go again!

      All my previous posts are on why do Bipolar people push us away…
      …but my latest update is he left 3 weeks ago and tonight he tells me he knows now he can never have a relationship, he wont see a doctor and he wants to be left alone!
      This has been going on for over a year the coming and going….he goes, he comes back, as though nothing has been said or nothing happened, sometimes weeks later sometimes months, last time he got in my car as though I had only seen him the day before, not nearly 6 months ago….he promised the world, said I was always there for him, he said he loved me so much, he was going to make this work and then left 3 days later!!

      Now he says its over for good, he cant do relationships and he doesnt want medical help? He ignores texts doesnt answer the phone, avoids everything!

      And yes, he has had lots of women, they dont stay like I did but I loved him….and many times my heart has been ripped out to the point where I am wondering…..do I have any feelings any more because now I just feel numb!

      • bittersweet October 11, 2010 at 10:32 pm #

        Hi From Bittersweet
        Robert , wishing, audre
        have not deserted the ship , am having enormous problems with both sites ..cannot blog at all or even open the pages. today has been the first time in 2 weeks. I suspect others are having prob’s too, as cant see Trust at all either .
        really hope this works
        if it does , then maybe will try to write again
        from bittersweet

        • bittersweet October 11, 2010 at 10:44 pm #

          yah posting seemed to work this time ..really dont know what has happened to the other site , have been liasing with raan privately.

          Wishing Well have lost track of what has happened
          did u finally hear from your BP ?
          Robert r u in contact with your partner again ?
          Trust where are you ?
          Raan come to this site !
          Finally my situation is same since i last posted on the other site ..NOT heard from mine for 1 year still …I do not try to make contact either.
          I have spoken to one of my friends who is still with her dysfunctional BP ..her advice to me was IF i want him back I have to work hard for it …she suggested I just facebook him & ask to be friends WTF Why would I do this to be treated like shit again , ignored or played like a violin
          Am holding fast now , its been a year , am not chasing him. feel good am getting healthy & besides if he really did care he would make contact.
          & besides look at Wishing ..he just told her there is no chance ? we all know he has another women more fuking lies .. they just cant tell u the truth because they have to have a safety net for when the novelty wears off whoever they are with.
          Robert am with you ..we all know whoever they are with it will turn to shit sooner than later & whoever it is they will be just as confused as we are . then they will be hated & blamed like we were arhhuh !! just disgusts me what they do to people. Well people its been 1 year and i am just beginning to start to feel better now. thats how long it takes for the love to eventually die.
          kind regards from bittersweet

    • lilee November 15, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

      Dear Josie,
      After reading your comments, I felt as though I were reading my own experience with a bp man. I, like you have never experienced anything like this in a relationship before. I have broken up with him so many times, as well as communicated in writing, which seems to work best because it is safe…for me and for him. My bp would disappear for months at a time, even returning to his ex wife for 2 years now. But presently, he is making progress by leaving that relationship and has relocated and building a new life for himself in another state. My past relationships, although not without problems, were pretty stabile…then I met “him”. Our first meeting he insulted me, and I was assertive in that I
      confronted him. His response was, “I love an assertive woman.” But that remark, fueled my need for him. I believe he knew what he was doing, knowing somehow I needed to be acknowledged and the attention. He adored me, and I him, yet I remained in the relationship for all this time from the compassion I felt for him. He was so sad and dramatic, heartbroken, each time I tried to leave him. You see, they know us. It’s as if they are able to see our souls, find our vulnerabilities. We are hooked, then left, oftentimes financially and emotionally drained. Just recently, I see some progress in communicating with me, but I am now mistrusting….As you stated above, his ex wife is always there for him. He told me this. She seems to understand his issues, he tells me, but he is not in love with her. He is using her now, deceiving her by seeing me, and, he once cheated on me, and when I told him how hurt I was, he said, ‘You hurt yourself. I didn’t hurt you’…yet he has no idea why I am insecure and do not trust him…He now talks as though I am the one at fault. I am a confident and stabile woman, who has her life together now. I often think bp is an epidemic….moreover, like we women have done using PMS as an excuse,…an excuse for bad behavior. It’s hard to tell, as they are so charming and alluring. But it is over now. I suggest as you have, that women…and men educate themselves and examine their self for answers as t why we allow ourselves to be trapped in this on going tragic drama. I have learned much about myself through this bp experience. You are correct in saying that ‘These people are, albeit, not on purpose, the proverbial wolves in the forest….’ He knows you will always take him back no matter what…He keeps you confused and depressed; a vicious cycle…never ending. I wish you strength and insight in to your situation.
      Be well, Josie.

  97. Raan October 12, 2010 at 3:35 am #

    Whoa, today was awful. being blamed for making my ex bipolar as well as taking some nasty sh*t from her. She snuck the call through as unavailable…had the nerve to say I keep bugging her and I don’t even have a number to call her at!SHE CALLS ME!

    I would say that she is as vicious and hateful as I have ever seen anyone be. what the F***

    i won’t get into all of the details, but it’s like she graduated into overdrive mode. I don’t think that this woman is EVER going to want to be with me again.

    I am insulted by her, prodded, and ridiculed….so mean….

    I cannot believe I love this woman.

    I did tell her I am done with her.

    • Wishing well October 12, 2010 at 5:32 am #

      Hi Raan….I have had exactly what you have just described, 3 weeks ago, I couldnt believe the things he said, I dont know how it will work for you but for me its not good news….

      We had contact this weekend, I made contact, like yourself couldnt stop worrying about him, but it was no good he has decided he cant do this, he said he will never be able to have a relationship with me or anyone because he just hurts people, he seemed perfectly normal, guess he is coming down now, it was this time last year the depression started.

      He tells me he cant hurt me again and I should go because there will never be a normal relationship between us, I know he is right, I have told him I will help, I will be there for him through every doctors appointment, I will support him with medical help but he is refusing to get help!

      I now feel like I am not needed any more, in fact I feel like I am stalking him, even though he told me 3 weeks ago he loved me and I was the only one who has always been there?
      I dont know what else I can do now but to walk away, he has given me no signs that he needs me or wants me in his life, he has apologised, he hasnt told me he wants it over just that he cant do what I want!

      Personally I think he wants to just have one night stands with ladies who he will never “care for”, ladies who will never have any thing to “offer him” (apart from sex), ladies who he will never fall “in love” with because then life is easy….does this sound familiar to what you said about Terri?

      In a previous post you said Terri told you she wouldnt sleep with you, the reason for this is she will become close to you again, she cant cope with that right now!

      I hope this makes sense….the sad thing is I understand my ex cant cope with his feelings and I understand he cant do the relationship thing because he does have feelings, and being without me, is easier than being with me!!

      Raan if you want I can email privately so as we can talk more in depth.

      Wishing x

    • Wishing well October 12, 2010 at 9:42 am #

      Hi Bittersweet, yes we had contact…my fault I went on a weekend away and couldn’t stop thinking about him, so I text him, we started chatting and as I put in my mail to Raan its now defiantly over.
      He said he cant have a relationship with me or anyone, maybe I am being naive, I know you have put he has another women maybe you are right?
      I am very sad but I am coping, I know it wont work and I know I deserve the whole fairy tale ( Not the Red Riding Hood variety!! )
      I dont think he will come back now, he knows he wont be able to pick me up and throw me away again but I am worried it will take 12 months for me to get over this I am hoping I will be brave enough to get up and get on with my life!

  98. robert/lost and found October 12, 2010 at 7:12 am #

    I can post from my phone on this string:) Josie/Raan/everyone

    Josie the thing you said about showing up unannounced? Bingo you hit it right on the head. Its truly remarkable how this disease plays on the minds of people. Making them feel in such a way that they all act alike come out with the exact same thoughts and response to those thoughts. I was dating my girl on and off through her running away and coming back and the last time the final time with her was when she told me I showed up at her house unannounced.. You may think I am nuts but I truly believe this disease is where the story of the werewolf came from. Looking back I see a correlation of her changes happening during certain times of the year. I am wondering now if I had kept a log/journal and compared it to a tidal water chart would it correspond to the changes in high and low tides? To the barometrick pressures caused by the moons gravitational pull? If the problem is caused by the uncontrolled flow of dopamine through enlarged or irregular shaped ports in the brain? Also sensitivity of the neurotransmitters. Over stimulation caused by gravitational pull leading to enlargement of the ports and the disproportionate flow of dopamine? Would putting a patient who is suffering from a severe episode into a hyperbaric chamber relief the symptoms? I wish I was able to test this theory. I have spent so much time racking my brain on this and the answer could be so close.

    • josie October 12, 2010 at 7:47 am #

      Hi Robert,

      That’s really interesting that both your bp girl and my bp both decided to cut us off cold after we showed up unannounced. I believe it’s a sort of paranoia. He called it stalking, although I just rang the doorbell as if I were visiting any friend or loved one. How is that stalking, when I only did it once? He believes that his house is his haven. Once he told me that he takes different routes to go home, so people can’t stalk him, as he drives a sports car and they may think he is rich and then follow him home to rob him.
      Before he cut me off, he was sending me the same weird emails he had been sending me two years ago, before he cut me off then: photos of his back yard…talking about going on a trip/ which he never did… delusional? He also told me he was suffering from insomnia, which as I have researched, is a huge red flag for recurring bipolar episodes. The fact remains that now in this state of mind, he hates me. I am the enemy. He still functions in other ways. I have seen him at the movies with his ex wife. I don’t get that. How can she still be friends with him, after all the women etc? She must know about his disease and be his support system. She probably, like us, still loves this bp person in her life. He had told me that when she left one night (because he was so depressed and so hard to live with) he just locked the door behind her so she could never come back in. A ten year marriage over in one minute, just like that, and locked her out for good. Cruel! But now they are friends. He picks her up for the odd date/ movie night. She makes him Christmas dinner etc. See they do come back eventually, but what a painful experience to deal with!
      Robert you might be onto something with the theory of high and low tides corresponding to the flow of chemicals in the brain of bp’s. I am sure this is as horrible for them as it is for everyone who loves them. I was watching Frosty the Snowman with my class (I am a teacher) last year and I cried so much. My bp love is like Frosty. He is loving and gentle and caring and everything I have ever wanted in a love, and then one day he melts and I have no one to talk to me, to tell me that they love me. It is so sad. At least I have glimpsed what real love is, even if for a small segment of time… before him I had been in an abusive marriage also and I had given up on myself…. I do hope my bp comes back soon/ the good part of him, I mean…. I am ashamed to say I must be co-dependent…. but I wait for him every day…. he is my first and last thought…. I am stuck….

    • Wishing well October 12, 2010 at 9:20 am #

      I think I will have to agree with your theory about changes throughout the year, my ex BP did this same thing at exactly this time a year ago, he was all over me then a week later I was dismissed, he was aggressive and very angry then he hit rock bottom with depression. I know that is what is coming next!
      During his depression he told me “this always happens at this time of the year” “its a bad time for me always has been?”
      I have never been allowed to turn up unannounced because he lives in quarters this enables him to hide away, lock his door and not answer the phone!

  99. Robert/lost and found :) October 12, 2010 at 8:32 am #

    I know josie..We are all stuck and thats why we are here.. Atleast we can help support eachother. I know it has helped me. The being told I showed up un announced thing makes me wonder what about her kids do her kids friends show up un announced is a 12 yr olds friends supposed to call first? what if I married her like we talked about would i have to call before coming home from work? Yes there home is there safe place that I believe..

  100. Robert/lost and found :) October 12, 2010 at 8:38 am #

    Trust I got your posting on my phone but I dont see it on my PC..wonder whats up with that? Il try and refresh the page.. Having a relationship with a non bipolar is no walk in the park either lol.. I am actually looking for failure in the new relationships I find myself in..I am failing misarabley… wish dont correct my spelling k? lmao

  101. Robert/lost and found :) October 12, 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Josie you are loving and caring and gentle too.. We all want to put frostys top hat back on and say happy birthday to a new beginning πŸ™‚

  102. Raan October 12, 2010 at 3:07 pm #

    manoman, terri called tonight and really dug into me. blames ME for being bipolar, says it is OVER and I need to quit bugging her(I can’t even call her-she calls me), stop talking trash about her to all of her friends(jessica is actually telling her everything I talk to her about-sucks), tells me that I need to step up to the plate and send child support for ALL of the kids if I am going to still be their Daddy, asked for lots more of her belongings, refused to give me her address because she INSISTS I already know it (said Jessica gave it to me and didn’t) argued with me about it-or at least tried to, was EXTREMELY mean to me…even would blurt out things I said -twisting my words around in a negative way–so I would look like the bad guy, called me a ass, said I called her a bitch to the room of people because I said that the way that she went about this whole breakup was F’d up, refused to listen to any thing I said…just wanted to take out her anger on me – and it was something FIRECE.

    I am wondering WHAT the Hell did I do to make her SO frickin ANGRY? If this is really terri – and NOT bipolar stuff, why would she be acting like this?

    Terri SWEARS that she takes her meds and that I blame EVERYTHING on being Bipolar, and she is NOT sick.

    She claims that she does NOT have a boyfriend and that she just said it because I won’t leave her alone (again-I DON’T call her!)

    She isn’t too into me going on Halloween trick or treating with the kids because her Mom is going, her brother, and Dusty…I said well, if he isn’t her boyfriend, then why not…she doesn’t want me there because ???? but, wants me to be in the kids lives (what???)-she said I can just come up and get sophie and leave.

    The sex stuff…GEEZ, she went off on how “when did we ever do it ALL night long?” I said never I don’t think…she said Shoot, we don’t even do it for an hour! I said, that doesn’t seem to ring true for me, and she said not counting foreplay…I said, well, I remember many times. She said that we never have sex long enough for her and that I suck at it….I said, well…I ordered some pills to help in that department since you said I don’t last enough for you and she said-use them on somebody else, cuz I am never coming back to you….

    you get the gist here I think.

    WHAT the fuck just happened here????

    Is this bipolar or not????

    I am trying to stay calm, and I think it is oevr for good. I cannot fathom her EVER wanting me back….

    I will continue to ignore her and give her space, but I think she really means it- it is over for good ????

    What do you people think?

    • Mark October 14, 2010 at 4:50 pm #

      What did you do wrong???? You didn’t love her like a suffocating cobra. You didn’t solve every problem in her life yesterday and spend ever second of today trying to make her happy. You weren’t her Dad. If you ask me BP has more levels then 1 @ 11, its more like 10. I’m a BP 1 but wouldn’t cheat or stab you in the back. There is often also more Personality disorders involved. OCD, ODD, ADHD. You get a mixture of a few and you have your hands full. People don’t like to recommend walking away but sometimes at least a break until someone is trying to get healthy with meds, a strong regiment of sleep and diet and stress reduction, etc. People with BP need to recognize they have an illness and need help. Denial does nobody any good.

      • Wishing well October 14, 2010 at 5:26 pm #

        Mark….but when a person has BP how do you get through to them, how do you help?
        My Ex is not in denial, he knows he has a problem he told me he is Bipolar but he refuses to seek medical help, he has a stressful job, he doesn’t eat right, he drinks to much, he works 3 days, 2 nights every week and weekends and all holidays so therefore has no sleep pattern, also has OCD….
        I have walked away or rather was told to “go away” but I feel awful, I should have done more but couldn’t work out what to do?

        • Mark October 14, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

          He is in denial if he wont seek medical treatment. This is an illness, it is not a simple cold. BP is a hidden epidemic. I drink to help calm my BP and anxiety because I can not afford real doctors and rel meds. Believe me I’ve lived thru 2 hells with BP partners BEFORE I learned what BP is and how it affects people. Don’t kid yourself into thin king you are going to CHANGE him or SAVE him. They have to do that for themselves. The best thing you can do is be as supportive as possible when he decides to get help, take care of yourself FIRST and set limits. If he doesn’t want to help himself you got to walk away. It’s just going to destroy you if you don’t. Sorry, I know it’s not a great picture and not the 1, 2 , 3 answer you were hoping for.

        • Wishing well October 14, 2010 at 6:57 pm #

          Thank you Mark for your answer, it is exactly what I thought you would say!
          I have never wanted to change him just be there for him but I have wanted him to get help. I dont think he will come back now so I may never get chance to support him…..and yes, it is hell and sometimes very hard to believe its happening, I think it is because one minute you can be sitting having a perfectly normal conversation with them and then the next everything is totally out of control!

          I have walked away not because I want to but because I am not sure where the thin line between him telling me he loves me and I am always there for him and him telling me to go away and leave him alone is? I just couldn’t work out whether I was needed or not?
          I was a very strong person before this but yes, it has got very close to destroying me!!

  103. Raan October 12, 2010 at 3:11 pm #

    I did not purposely pick up her call tonight…it came up unavailable-which is perhaps a client I thought…I wish I never answered it.

    She put my oldest boy on half way thru the call and he asked me: Daddy, don’t you love me anymore?? I reassured him over and over that I will always love him. Oh, my stars….Damn it. I was mortified.

    Something has changed recently. She has become VERY harsh towards me. Downright vicious. She never acted like this before.

    It’s like, there is NO love or compassion for me-whatsoever.

    Did I push too hard over these last two months??

    Is it possible that people up there are talking trash about me to her and she’s “buying” into it?

    She also threatened me -insinuated something I felt disturbing…about something to do with my business.

    Told me that I STOLE sophie’s birth certificate and shots card. I explained that went I dropped sophie off a few weeks ago, that I forgot to give it back because she kind of got rid of me quickly. She claims I stole it….???

    wants me to bring up sophies bed, the boys playstation, some junky speakers that were hers, dishes(which ones?), and the little kids furniture….

    Does this seem like it’s terri “cutting all ties” time??? seemed like it. I get the feeling that she isn’t likely to call too much anymore…

    I think that she hates me.

    This is a set of two emails I wrote to someone that has been helping me…you know who you are. Thanks again.

    Also, she was talking SO fast and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise and made it hard to even end the call.

    I don’t know for sure what is going on with this woman, but she sure does seem CRAZY as all hell.

    Do NORMAL people behave like this???

    • Wishing well October 12, 2010 at 3:59 pm #

      Raan, I think its just part of the Bipolar, I have had the same, last night before it ended he was talking about living in a cardboard box on the streets then he wouldnt have to care, this is a man with a good job, standards and a private school education, a totally unreasonable conversation??

      They really dont know what they are saying half the time and I have seen him go from perfectly calm to enraged within seconds!

      Terri is young but I have heard it gets worst with age, I know my man has deteriorated a lot in the time I have known him, I know he needs help now but he just wont listen, I… like you… can only hope now for him to snap out of it and get help?

      I too think my man wont come back this time it feels worse than any other time BUT I have thought this before and he has returned!! I the same as you didnt do or say anything wrong but he has found excuses to push me further away, he also told me he doesnt love me, so why answer my calls, why text me back?

      My only advise now is to leave her, if she calls you just be polite dont bite when she says unreasonable things, your priority now has to be to keep an eye on those children?
      The fast talking is a manic stage first time I heard it I thought he was drunk, he went from one subject to another, 30 minutes of non stop talking and I couldnt get a word in?
      I am gathering you can no longer confide in Jessica, as hard as this maybe it will be for the best because I have found that anyone who has not experienced this, does not understand at all?

      Hope that helps….stay strong! x

      • bitter sweet October 12, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

        Robert, trust , josie,
        the other site must of inherited Bipolar I think !!LOL
        the comment dont go to their place unannounced..gee that brought back memories ..my ex was actually living on a property that i owned & he told ny nother he had been trying to get rid of me for months & that i was stalking him’ my mum said well hello you are living on her property ?? that was when he wanted to run off with a new women & I was getting in the way.
        stoooopid me was in love ( blindly ) so in love with him . I was working in the city an hour away from the farm I owned. I was looking forward to seeing him on the weekend & he was packing his stuff & moving in with another women. thats how much I knew ..we were in contact but he told me nothing , it was a neighbour who told me he saw them driving around together & that had been for a month !! WTF The same women who punched him in the face 1 year later ..he bolted from her & showed up on my doorstep , but when he told me she punched him ‘ I laughed ” & so he had a mental freakout & bolted & I never saw or heard from him again for 4 years…!!!
        Wishing Well
        U r correct , I never had the priviledge of being told ‘I love u ‘ ( if it indeed is a priviledge at all) but then again i was never told i wasnt loved either , usually i was told ZERO . like you when I would look at the photos of him with other women I would cry & laugh at myself for being so stupid to be in love with this person. It seemed surreal ..the heading on the top of this page from a BP spouse says where Vultures fLY ‘ gee I can relate to that..
        another site i read where a female BP told of how she knows when her meds are starting to not work because she recognises the runaway bi , also recognises that she doesnt care about her husbands feelings just her own. she realises that her meds needs adjusting & so she does that & she comes good again. What an amazingly beautiful soul to actually have the insite to realise she is going OFF a bit & correct it .that truly speaks volumnes to me ..its such a fine line these poor souls walk , & they dont even realise .
        Unitl they get depressed then they look back & say what was the last 6 months all about?? My BP used to often say to me his whole life just feels like he is ‘ waiting ‘ I could never quite get that at the time but maybe i do get it now.
        Wising & Trust & Robert & raan & josie
        I have not heard from my BP for 1 year but he didnt actually say he was leaving or that he had had enough or that he didnt love me . I think like terri said to Raan they cant get close to you cause they hurt !! but then u look at Fb & they are writing to other women even saying sweet nothings to them . So I di think we become nothing to them , they dont give us a 2nd thought , they just move onto someone new & all the love we gave them they take with them into the new realtionship. One of my friends who is a nurse has been with her BP rapid cycler ‘ for 12 years ..she told me they are plaguerists , they just take on the new likes of the new person they are with & run with that persons habits , likes & dislikes. they do what that person wants to do but only for a while until the shit hits the fan . She told me her BP has often said to her stop stalking me, he tells her to get lost , hates her etc etc but she just laughs at his behaviour …the only thing that really makes her angry is when he wets the bed ??? apparently they do this is they drink alcohol on meds.!! new to me but he is on Epilem & Seraquel
        talk soon u r all great & funny
        from bittersweet

        • Wishing well October 12, 2010 at 5:50 pm #

          Its is surreal bittersweet, the last time we were together making plans for our future I said to him be honest with me if we are to make a future tell me who this other woman is ( he didnt know I already knew about her)this was the conversation…. all looking me straight in the eyes and lying through his teeth:

          he said… there is no other woman
          I said… the woman you took on holiday
          he said… I went alone, I told you!
          I said … I saw the photos
          he said…oh her, shes a friend
          I said …so she went?
          he said…well yes but just as a friend
          I said …so you didnt sleep with her
          he said…NO, of course not!
          I said….YES, you did!
          he said…well YES, but shes just a f*** Buddy???

          so in 20 seconds we went from him not knowing her to her being his F*** Buddy??
          ….and all of it was with him looking me in the eyes and lying without so much as a stutter!!

          Another funny story, when I was at his place once I saw a big bag of Christmas cards, I looked through and there were about a dozen cards from different women, I stupidly thought to myself….Gosh what a hoarder to save all these Christmas cards over the years…..now I realise they were probably from just one Christmas….so naive??

          I know what you mean when you said he used to say “hes just waiting” my man would say “hes just living on borrowed time?”


  104. Raan October 12, 2010 at 4:40 pm #

    Thanks wishing. I am so drained and depressed today…it isn’t funny. In some ways, i am relieved as well. I know that I have always loved this woman, was a good mate, a good Father of the kids, provider, and yet….

    Something tells me that she does have a few points that make me doubt myself and our relationship. This is the hardest part of all of this.

    Did I cause this woman to simply get tired of me and make her react this way in my attempts to get her to come home? I know that she loves me and I know she has feelings…

    Is this mania or a bitter ex? THAT is what drives me crazy. I know I’ve mentioned this many times over the past many weeks. I wish I knew which it is.

    I’m hanging in there, by a thread, but doing my best to roll with the punches.

    I wish that I could do something-anything to make this anger towards me stop. I have never seen her like this.

    Perhaps the ignoring her might make it diminish. I hope so. I am NOT taking ANY calls that do not show up with a number I can see. I pick up my Daughter around Halloween, and perhaps her anger might be less then.

    • bitter sweet October 12, 2010 at 5:11 pm #

      Raan for got to say..the private number thing used to send my BP into a rage ..on a few occassions i called him from our work phone that is set oon private ..
      when he answered, he would go off his head about how I was trying to trick him , cage him he used to say .
      he would go into a rant about was a sneaky , corrupt piece of s..t i was & how dare i use a private number to call him..he would say i deliberately did this because I didnt trust him & that I was a stalker who had presumptions of him being with another women well duh !
      so I woould totally be bombarded with abuse to the point that I couldnt even get to the conversation that I had rung him for ?? I would hang up after trying to justify my actions ..AGAIN & think gees what was that all about
      So it does not surprise me that terri does this to you because she doesnt want u to track her phone number because then u can ring her .. they do project a lot of their deviousness onto us poor innocent souls who wind up asking ourselves ..what did i do wrong ??
      I was talking to him yesterday & he was fine , but the same question today send him into an absolute tirade.??
      At least with NO CONTACT at all your pride stays in tact Raan ..
      read my above post raan ..
      kind regards Bittersweet

    • Wishing well October 12, 2010 at 5:23 pm #

      Its mania Raan, I have spent weeks wondering how he went from loving me to hating me so much, he said things to me that I know he will be mortified when feeling normal! He has always treated me like a lady but when this kicks in I feel like dirt!

      I am doing the same as you, I have told him I am getting on with my life ( I am not at the moment, I am doing the same as you, feeling depressed) I know exactly what you mean, today I did have waves of feeling relieved not sure if I feel relieved because its over or if its just I dont have to deal with it any more?? I too feel I couldnt take calls at the moment, I want time to become strong again….you need to do the same?

      I have no doubts you were good to her, I know I was good to my man, one thing he once said to me was ” you just cant believe that someone could love you so much”…… perhaps we just loved them too much??

  105. lost/and found October 12, 2010 at 5:35 pm #

    Michelle/bitterbabe:)/ran and who ever else is reading these post. No I am in no physical contact with my xgf.we have no kids together I have mine she has hers so no reason for it. Raaan don’t take anything she says personnel. They will attack you for any reason they feel will work. I was a great lover and I know it and damn strait she knew it too πŸ˜‰ and I bet I still have the bite marks to prove it lol. Vicious little thing she was lol. And is it you michelle who have stayed away for one full yr? Don’t go back girl be strong. U deserve so much better we all do. Its nearly imposible to conform to all there madness and after a while it will run you down and you will lose. Only a person who wants to change can do it. And if who ever it is that are spamming this sites servers don’t like it let me remind you we also have rights and feelings and we need to hash this out. So knock off your bull shit. I was through bobbing and weaving my way around my bp x. Dosent mean I don’t want to help others. I would love for anyone to cure this bp. Too many people r hurt by what goes on.

  106. bittersweet October 12, 2010 at 7:55 pm #

    Lost & found U R a Funny man I like u & like my new nickname Bitterbabe !

    Wishing well
    Raan & I have been talking privately by email
    Raan has my details along with a few pics we exchanged
    If you would like …we can talk privately as well
    so I will send Raan an email & get him to give you my address as I noticed u both are doing the same & I think u & I could have a good talk
    Kind regards
    Bittersweet !!

  107. Raan October 13, 2010 at 12:27 am #

    Wishing well,

    Go back to the old blog “why do bipolars push…” and look at the bottom…it has my email address there and write me please. I’ll send it to Bittersweet since she would like that, okay?



    I did NOT answer ANY of them. She left 3 msgs, and they said nothing but I’m calling to talk…pick up…I am borrowing a phone . well, I’ll call you tomorrow.


    Jessica writes me a letter- terri seems fine to me.


    • Wishing well October 13, 2010 at 2:28 am #

      YOU DID GOOD…. boundaries remember?


  108. bittersweet October 13, 2010 at 12:28 am #

    Wishing Well
    can you go back to the previous blog ‘Why do bipolar people push partners away ‘ at the end of the blogs raan has left his email address for me to contact him because I was having trouble with that site..
    If you email raan ,…he said he will give u my email address & then we can talk to you some more in private
    kind regards

  109. Raan October 14, 2010 at 11:37 pm #

    Okay people, this is day three of the NO CONTACT thingy, and I don’t like it, but understand why it is necessary I suppose.

    Terri has called me 15 times the first day, 2 times yesterday, and 2 times today. It’s interesting…she never calls me this much since the breakup. Sure does seem to want to connect, but for what reason? To go off on me? I wonder if she needs to feel that connection we had. For safety and security purposes??? To feel secure that if something should go wrong, well- Raan will take me back!


    her voice mail msg. today was odd, as usual. She called from work and told me that the kids are fine, but guess you don’t want to talk to your kids? THEY ARE IN DAY CARE! Huh? She asked me to pick up because she needs to know if I am coming up on the 23rd or the 30th? Huh? I already told her I was coming up on the 30th and wanted to go trick or treating with the kids, but she was going to think about it….guess she forgot? Another strange thing-she was busting my balls about leaving Sophie my daughter there until Halloween, but now she seems like she forgot or it doesn’t matter???

    This woman drives me crazy. NO consistency. NO keeping a plan together. NO reasoning. NO logic. NO LOVE towards me. sad.


    Well my friend…if you have read all of my posts for the last 6 weeks or so, you might have an idea as to how F’d up my life has become in the last 2+ months.








    • Mark October 15, 2010 at 3:35 pm #


      email me at ISingapore1@aol.com
      just typed a 45 min reply and cyberspace ate it

      There is hope,,,been thru the same things. its been 3 yrs since I was forced to walk away, but I didnt know then what i know now.

  110. lost/and found October 15, 2010 at 5:13 am #


    I understand what the others are telling you about setting up certain boundaries. Yes you need boundaries. But I think you may be taking them a bit too far. Try lowering the ones on excepting her calls just a little. From what I have learned people with BP have to prioritize there lives. You are being prioritized. You must even if just a little continue to be part of her life or you will be shuffled to the bottom of the deck or completly removed from the deck. Right now you are most likely very near the bottom. You have every right to continue being part of her life because you have a child with her. I did not have any kids with mine and therefore no right to continue being involved with her life. I would have been thought of as a stalker. But you have every right to know what your child is doing. You don’t have to listen to me but if there is going to be any hope for you to get back together with her then do not iliminate yourself from the deck. Maybe tell her that you need to limit your contact with her because she has broken your heart. But don’t just remove yourself from her life. There are ways for you to slowly work yourself back into the mix. Used your head not your heart. Answer the fucking phone atleast once a day if not a little more. Boundries should be set on certain actions like abuse. But I wouldn’t cut off ties with her completly unless you feel you never want back in. And I doubt it will hurt if you tell her this but without going into heart wrenching detail.

    • Wishing well October 15, 2010 at 5:29 am #

      When I have said boundaries I too mean as in abuse, Raan at the moment is being abused, the abuse is very damaging to his confidence I know because I have been there, she is now insulting him to the point that he is sure he has done something wrong and we all know he hasnt!
      I agree he needs to talk to her, he has a child but he has to make it clear he will not talk until she is calm, the best thing to do in this situation is to text her, be nice in the texts, be kind and tell her you will be there when she is ready to talk without the abuse!

  111. lost/and found October 15, 2010 at 5:41 am #

    Wishing that is Perfect. He has to let her know she cannot abuse him. Once the abuse starts he should tell her he is not there as her whipping post. Its nearly impossible to continue a relationship like this. Just like mark said. You may do good bobbing and weaving. But it gets old real fast. I actually grew tired of it and let myself get cought. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do because in the long run I do miss her. But at the time it was so tireing it just felt right for me to give up get cought in her set up and get out. I guess each of us must have our own limits and boundries and we must learn to live with it.

  112. Raan October 15, 2010 at 7:18 pm #

    very depressed today. I slept until 7 pm. No calls from Terri yet. I want to answer if she does and tell her “how can I help, and that I love her”


    • bitter sweet October 16, 2010 at 5:06 am #

      am sorry u r feeling sad & lonely …its a hard road my friend , much councelling is required.
      I am still in therapy constantly to overcome the pain & rejection.
      as you know its been 1 year now , no contact.
      regards Bittersweet

      • Wishing well October 16, 2010 at 6:03 am #

        That frightens me Bittersweet…..I cannot imagine 1 year from now and still feeling the same, its scary because I can remember 1 year ago and I am still in the same position??

        Wishing xx

    • Wishing well October 16, 2010 at 5:54 am #

      I feel the same RAAN….I have mailed you I hope it helped.
      Next time she calls answer her, tell her you will help, if she starts with the abuse then politely tell her to call back tomorrow!

      All day today I have hoped he would call its been nearly 4 weeks now since I last saw him, I think I know in the back of my mind he wont call but something keeps telling me he always has and I cant believe it is over!

      He changed so quickly this time, one day he was fine next day gone…..BITTERSWEET I need your help with this, is this normal to change so fast, to be wanting you so much and within 12 hours to hate you so much?

      I dont know what to do now, I had a quick text chat with him on Monday and he told me he cant do relationships and I told him I wanted him to get help, I will support him but he said NO, so I said I will have to get on with my life then, we left it open, no big goodbyes, the last thing he said to me was ” What do you want to do….ITS MY PROBLEM NOT YOURS?” What does it all mean….does he want me gone or is this just another “push me away episode?”

      • josie October 16, 2010 at 6:44 am #

        Hi Wishing, Bittersweet, Raan, Robert, everyone,

        I am in the same boat. He was calling and emailing every day until one day in June, when I showed up unannounced and he got angry with me because he said he was fighting insomnia. I knocked on his door at nine thirty pm. He thought it was midnight. I apologized for doing something wrong, but he stopped calling me. He ignores all my calls and emails. He has hung up on me and even made a bad sound on the phone before hanging up. I don’t even know why I care about him at this point.

        Does anyone on this forum, who has bipolar disorder have any advice for us all?

        Could you please explain to us if these people will come back to us?

        Can it take a year?

        While they are gone, do they even remember us?

        Please tell us your side of the issue.


        • Wishing well October 16, 2010 at 7:13 am #

          Hi Josie,

          Excellent questions, please someone reply and help us try to understand.

          I have had the same thing with sleep, loses track of time, cant sleep, can sleep forever, at first I thought it was because he works shifts but now I wonder is this part of bipolar?
          I too have had times when I wonder if he remembers me?
          Josie are you English….just asking because you have replied at the same time of the day as me?

          Wishing xx

  113. josie October 16, 2010 at 7:50 am #

    Hi Wishing,

    I live in Canada.

    I’m usually up early and check my emails. This blog has been my life line. I feel so much more at peace knowing that I have you guys as a net of friends, who have been going/ are going through the same pain as I have.

    The last time mine came back it felt surreal. I cried for an hour the time he spoke to me at the drugstore, as if nothing had happened, nine months after no contact. I cried so much and realized it was catharsis. I had held in so much pain, so much grief and then after seeing him and knowing he still cared, allowed me to cry out all of that held in pain. He came back and then it was as if nothing had ever transpired. I couldn’t believe it. I guess it’s because the other part of their persona comes back. I think bipolar is more than a mood disorder. They have two personalities: a nice one and a mean one. The mean one is cruel and cuts us off. The nice one loves us. I don’t have any background on this, but this is how it feels.
    I am waiting for the nice part to call me. Again I would love to hear from someone with bipolar disorder about this. Any help would be greatly appreciated, on behalf of all the souls in pain on this blog.

    • Wishing well October 16, 2010 at 1:32 pm #

      Yes Josie you are right there are two personalities, last week mine said the worst things ever, I was a hateful bitch, never wanted to see me again, he hated me, I was to go away, leave him alone!

      Today I sent a simple text, he replied, “I hope your ok babe” I know he will hate what he has said and he will wonder how I can forgive but I can, this is an illness, brain chemicals, we cant see it but we have to try to understand it?

      Wishing xx

  114. lost/and found October 16, 2010 at 9:43 am #

    Good morning my friends πŸ™‚
    Josie/wishing/bitterbabe/michelle/raan/ken and anyone and everyone who comes here and a few that don’t but are there in the background reading our postings learning and coping. You are all gentle loving caring people. The cream of the crop as they say.. Yes I do believe people with bp have two complete different personality s. A friend of mine once told me they used to call it walking skitofrenia excuse my spelling.I would notice when she would start her change she would talk about the past as if it were a million yrs ago.her old job in the city calling it the good old days and having a far off look to her that started me to feel distant from her. Then it would slowly change getting a little deeper and distant each day.her voice would slowly take on a diffrent pitch.less carefree more thought into each word.then the text messages would start to fly faster and more of them. On the phone she would talk so fast I couldn’t understand her but I wouldn’t ask her more then once what she said or she would get flustered.all this speed and then came the silance the voice uncaring and perfectly even toned. No emotion shown at this point. Everything as matter of fact! She transformed completly into the person I did not know. I would think to myself this is her work voice the voice of the firer the voice of the bitch she would tell me I would oneday call her..the short time I was permitted access to her facebook I noticed farmville was her favorite page after page of this slow moving methodical game.I guess she is able to focus herself into this game and it helps in some way to use up all the extra activity that is going on in her head.I connected with her bright side because I always have had low self esteem. No collage worked my way up through much hard manual labor.never received much attention from the pretty rich girls and was basically outcast into the rank and file of the tough guys. Meeting this beautiful smart and well spoken woman making love to her and being loved back by her. Telling eachother the most beautiful things from deep within our hearts was just so diffrent and so sweet I gave away my everything to her. This is how I came to be here. I gave away my everything to her she inturn changed with in a weeks time and disguarded me back to the trash pile where I came from. I can’t write anymore for now I tty all later. Its not our fault…

    • Wishing well October 16, 2010 at 1:20 pm #

      That was beautiful….so well written and ironically the same story that we all have to tell, someone once told me that we are chosen, my self esteem was low, I know I wanted someone, I had brought 3 children up alone, I wanted someone for me, he made me feel so good, he listened when I spoke, he called me, he made me feel special, I told him things from my heart I didn’t tell other people!!

      None of us are on the trash pile, we are dis-guarded, but we are all gentle, loving, caring people!!

      Please write some more…… xx

  115. lost/and found October 16, 2010 at 1:33 pm #

    Blue on Black. Tears on a river.

    • Wishing well October 16, 2010 at 1:57 pm #

      Push on a shove,
      it don’t mean much
      Whisper on a scream,
      doesn’t change a thing
      Don’t bring you back……

      I KNOW….. xx

  116. lost/and found October 16, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

    Yes wishing that’s it..

    • bitter sweet October 16, 2010 at 5:53 pm #

      hello guys , its a brand new day here
      they come back if you pull them back , but u will have NO pride left.
      they want the attention from you , they want you to beg , to cry etc they just want the attention , they are scared & fear takes over
      Its up to you if you want them back to just keep hammering away , forget being polite
      they can wait silently forever, in the meantime they will entertain others who dont know them
      they dont want to be pigeonholed’ its left to chance !
      I know the immense pain of being forgotten , i know the immense pain of not being able to control myself & making contact with them only to see them with someone new. they are doing the same drives in the car, to the same places you both used to go . going to the same cafes, the same walks on the beach hand in hand. fuk do I know that rejection !!
      The come back thing well they wont Initiate it , you will have to do that , with all the courage you can muster , and be prepared for the total rejection , be prepared for the pain , the casual conversation from them like it doesnt matter to them. the almost ‘ have a nice day attitude ‘ that leaves you in more pain because they are not who they were with you before.
      If you want them back its lots of hard work for you
      think of when you first met them , there were no rules no goalposts because u didnt know the condition
      well that is what they aim for when not with u …you pull their covers & they dont like that ..mentioning doc’s & meds’s will do you more harm & they will distance themselves from you .
      mine did come back , he intiated contact after 4 years of no contact …he was wonderfully romantic & caring & he was in another relationship with another women when he asked me to give it another go . I had the choice I could have said NO & I never would have heard from him again , u cant just be friends with these people . I know its sounds delusional , but they do have to have someone in their life , If its not u its someone new. Wishing you said it in your recent post,
      they cant just walk back into your life because they know they will want to leave again , and that means pain , also they know they cant just keep trashing you & tossing you aside.
      The decision to go back is in your hands not theirs, they will not contact you they will ignore your emails . texts etc because they are in fear. fear plays a big role with them ..I am no expert I am just as unhappy now since he left when i was 7 years ago . I think it was Mark who said he just had to keep walking ‘ their moments of clarity are there but shrouded in not so clear moments . they live in an unreal world . they will never be there for you but if you want that you can get it back , but basically you will have to beg for it.
      I at this point am not going to beg , my pride is in tact & that is the way I like it, I dont want to be apart from him & not ever seeing him again kills me but I wont beg.
      Wishing am trying to get your email from Raan , as soon as i do I will write you an email ..In the meantime just move on with your life , look after yourself & your kids and I will talk to you soon. when I write to you am happy for you to give my email to the other guys , josie who is still in pain & robert who is a sensational brilliant man.
      kind regards Bittersweet

      • josie October 17, 2010 at 8:33 pm #

        Hi Bittersweet,

        So, if I want him back I should beg for him to come back? I would, but he has hung up on me and ignored my calls. He has given me stone cold silent treatment since June. If I bet him to come back, do you think that’s what he wants me to do? Is he waiting for me to call him again? I do want him back, so badly. I don’t think he will ever contact me first, again.

  117. Mark October 16, 2010 at 8:59 pm #

    OK folks, I’ll put my story out there and hope it helps. I’m not an expert so take things with a grain of salt. It’s going to be long, rambling at times, but I’ll try and keep a flow. Remember all our cases are different, we may find many similarities but something that I say that has worked for me may backfire on someone else.

    I only came to find out what being Bi Polar means over the last 2 years. By that I mean, I wasn;t aware what I had or what I had been experiencing in terms of 2 relationships the last 20 yrs had a name or diagnosis to it.

    I met my dear friend M (for name sake) 3 yrs ago, she’s a BP 10 if you ask me. Me, I think I’m a 1. When we first met I had been seperated 6 months from my wife. It seemed at the time depression was our connection. Her BP ride has had her thru an array of Facilitys that treat Mental Health issues, hence my education to the real world of what I had been living

    Stating the obvious bi polar behaviour can you get you the I luv yous one minute and the next getting pounding in the face by their fist doing 55mph on the freeway the next. With my wife (yes, we’re divorcing asap, let me clarify that and no, no hope of reconcilaition)she might tell you that I did love her but I doubt it, because the obvious “where am I” would follow her lips if I truly loved her and then she might tell you I tried to kill her, which I won’t dignify with a reply.

    I might be boring you a little so I’ll throw out some of my wisdoms. Grab the salt. If you’re involved with a unfaithful partner ….run…and don’t stop. I personally dont think those BP’ers who do that stop because you are the love of there life. And I’m not saying all BP’ers cheat. Non BP’ers cheat and cheat and cheat. Don’t get offended and this includes me, some of us need to grow a spine. I’m sure we have on own web of individual issues (mine codependency)that allows us to trick own minds and rationalizes the behaviour we put up with. But if I were to tell you someone better would enter your life and treat you 10 times better, I’m hoping you’d be willing to tell me the partner is a thing of the past.
    And believe me I know its hard to move on, the longer you were with that person the more difficult it is. You have all the history and hopefully some good memories. Starting over seems like such a challenge.

    OK, some pyschology rambling. An oldy, but some BP’ers are seeking the all loving Mom or Dad. Don’t shoot the messenger. There are often and I’m not saying all who are seeking to replace the love and nurturing of a lost parent. When you fail as that ALLLOVING person, you often get the cold shoulder and that could mean they move out, they pk up with some one else, etc. Sometimes they need a new start so they can pretend they are not sick. So they dont have to face reality. And telling someone they are Mentally Ill is no fun. It’s not a conversation starter, it’s not the first line on your first date. It’s not something people want to deal with everyday of their life and I understand that but some people have no choice but to deal with it, consequences are so great not too.

    Reality is, there are alot of people who are Mentally Ill and Bi Polar is a Mental illness. Recongizing you are and need help is not an easy choice.

    ok, some advice and some maybe redundant to those I’ve talk to before. 1) Take care of yourself FIRST. Don’t be a martyr, don’t make their illness or their problems your life. I know I’m touching a nerve with some cause I was like that once. It’s not healthy hence the codepency label. 2)Set Limits – boundaries. Any type of abuse verbal, physical, mental should not be tolerated and you got to let them know that by TELLING them. Don’t assume they’re going to figure it out. COMMUNICATION very important. Somebodys screaming at you on the phone, say hey I’ll talk to you later when you’ve calmed down. It’s almost like reparenting a child but hey they want to act like a 2yr old I;m going to treat you like a 2yr old.

    Medication, and Cognitive therapy very important in getting well. Realizing you’re ill, getting the right meds (which may take yrs) and doing all the proper things like reducing stress, eating well, sleeping , etc help tremendously.

    So, will that person love me again? Is there any hope?
    Yes, yes, yes. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. You’re circumstances might be different but I’ve seen someone who doctors gave up on come back, get the right meds, do the right therapy and is doing well. We openly talk about it being a high wire act and I fear a fall everyday but we take it one day at a time. Best of luck.

  118. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 12:40 am #


    You both are right on the money with what you wrote I will print both your post out on monday morning and keep them with me for daily support. It helps if I keep you guys close I can read what you wrote as soon as I need to and get back on track. I think we all should do the same. It really does help. I know you guys are right. Iv said it often and its just so hard to move on. My brain says run and my heart says stay. I feel like I am in a race against myself to find an equal love that will make it all better. When I meet a woman on a date and I look into her eyes I want to see the same loving look I used to see in my girls eyes. I know the love was there I could see it. I look for it in the eyes of others and I just don’t see it. I am mostly haunted by the eyes of my xgf when I think of her I don’t think of her body or sex all I see are those loving eyes looking so deep into my soul I could feel it.I never saw the look fade away even while she told me good by. Its just so damn sad.

    • bitter sweet October 17, 2010 at 4:19 am #

      Lost u r very perceptive …I understand the eye thing
      i know exactly what u r saying
      even when my ex drove away with another women , i could not feel hatred just shame as I looked into his eyes
      I honestly fely like they drove down the road tearing my heart out as they drove away ..its a cruncher ..
      regards Bittersweet

  119. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 2:24 pm #

    I guess all the sweet things she used to tell me were the same things she told over and over again to each and every guy she was with? That the record thing I was talking about. Like she uses what has worked for her in the past. Do they have memory failure also? I remember her once telling me something for a second time and acting like I was being told this for the first time. Its all just to much to even deal with. So the thing about them comming back may only be for the ones that have some sort of roots. If there are no roots then there is no returning on there own?

  120. Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 4:21 pm #

    Mine always came back, his choice I never asked him to, in fact I would make him think about it really carefully, make him take time to think if what he was doing was what he wanted but of course he always said yes, I want this, I want us, this time it will work but of course it never did and he would run again….
    He had no roots with me but he always came back on his own, I NEVER ASKED HIM TOO, it was always his choice?
    This time maybe different, this time he was insulting, this time he told me he doesnt love me, want me and its over!

    BUT….he also asked me yesterday “are you ok?” is that memory failure or regret?

  121. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 4:30 pm #

    I think iv spent enough time trying to crack that nut. Now I better get my own checked πŸ™‚

    • Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 5:02 pm #

      At this present moment in time….. my sentiments exactly!! πŸ™‚

  122. Mark October 17, 2010 at 5:37 pm #

    This post initially caught my eye because I too was wrestling with this type of question. How is it possible to be treated at times with such non emotion for lack of a better description. To be showered with love and respect and kindness and then tell someone you hate them, you think they want to hurt you or worse you lie and tell people this person has hurt you.

    It’s what they do when their brains misfiring. When there are swinging at a 1, 2 or 9 and 10 and not even keel like a 4 or 5. You combine other personality disorders with BP and you are really swinging with issues.

    Meds hopefully stabilize the mood swings and keep people at an even 4 5 or 6. You go off your meds your back to swinging low or high, depression or acting manic.

    For those who have lost their partners, whoever these people hook up with experience the same type of issues, behaviour, problems. They don’t leave us and move into Disneyland and live happily ever after.

  123. Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 6:58 pm #

    Excellent that just summed it up completely….my final words to my Ex after we split were….”if I am not right for you, someone will be” he replied “Dont think anyone will be because its my problem not yours!!”

    • Mark October 17, 2010 at 7:13 pm #

      My final words were “I won’t be home tonight, it’s over” She laughed; like it was some sort of game. She was being comforted by someone else within a couple of wks, couldn’t have taken it very hard. That was 3 years 1 month ago.

  124. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 7:07 pm #

    So they love when they want love? Hate when they want to hate? Leave you when they want to get away from you? And forget so they feel no pain after using you up? Wow I wonder if I can buy some BP and injest it into myself so I can be like that too. After all its all about them isn’t it? Maybe normal is the new minority? Wtf…

    • Mark October 17, 2010 at 7:16 pm #

      Pretty much. I’m sure the memory loss is a convenience thing. They know when they mistreat people, don’t let em fool ya, the illness just has em in full force f everyone mode.

  125. Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 7:26 pm #

    Thats it lost, it all about them, well I cant hide my feelings, I cant live with knowing he is seeing other people, I asked him once if that was what he wanted, he said “no way, I dont do sharing” but I dont believe it now and I dont want to be a part of it.

    I have often thought he keeps me hanging, with a kind text, so as he can do what he wants and then return.

    I feel I cant live like this, maybe its shock after what has happened again. I dont know if he thought or thinks I have sat around waiting, he never asked me, I did ask him and he said there has been no one but as we all know, when are they telling the truth?

    Its as if they think they can just pick us up and put us down when they want, well not this girl, she’s hitting the road!!

    I feel brave tonight…. many reasons, I hope I will continue to feel brave and be able to look back and know that I learnt something from this experience, I will never regret knowing him and if he contacts me in the future I will be polite. If he considers seeking medical advise I will reconsider.
    There have been times I have been scared and I dont want that again!

    • Mark October 17, 2010 at 7:42 pm #

      Don’t lose the brave times, I know its hard. It’s obvious we’re looking for validation from the wrong people and once you mix history and the doubt that there will be anyone else, you starting thinking all sorts of crazy stuff. Nevermind loneliness getting the better of ya.

      • Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 7:57 pm #

        Mark, I am not going to, yesterday a text reduced me to tears as did the song Robert and I put on here…Blue on Black….he’s not coming back….

        I have NO doubts there will be someone else….I have doubts I will ever feel the same feelings again!

        I know he felt something and that’s why he runs but Whisper on a scream…. doesn’t change a thing?

        Your insight has been wonderful….thank you!

  126. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 7:28 pm #

    My xgf used to use the Fword all the time and when she started to change would actually encurage her own young kids to use it. I never liked the idea of cursing in front of any young child and I’d tell her to stop all the time. She used to say her x husband was controlling. I guess that label may stick to anyone who trys to help them too? 3yrs and one month and you still will never forget her. That scares the hell out of me right now because I am fighting the feeling of wanting to contact her everyday now.

  127. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    I think we all need to take kens advice and grow a spine. Take it for what it was worth. We had a great time but the ride has ended with them. We have found people we can lean on for support and we will survive. Yes its hard but this is life I guess.

    • Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 7:44 pm #

      Sometimes we may not even have that choice….we don’t run this show….do we?

      • Mark October 17, 2010 at 7:48 pm #

        Hell ya we run this show. Weather we wanta be a puppet in the show is up to us. That’s our choice. Getting strong enough to do that is hard however. You gotta look inside yourself and sometime your not going to like the truth about the things we put up with for what ever reason. Love, thats a meaningful word for some of us. Others, not sure if they know how to spell it.

  128. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 7:50 pm #

    Absolutly not. Wishing I have witnessed to many things in my 47 yrs to think we are in this world alone. I try to be true to my friends family and myself. And if I start feeling really bad. I just remember that bitches house is haunted lol πŸ˜‰

    • Mark October 17, 2010 at 7:53 pm #


      I like that LOL, but you can do better. Her MIND is haunted.

    • Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 8:08 pm #

      Lost, I am a year older than you and sometimes feel very alone in this world, I was a great candidate for a Bipolar lover….I lost my grandparents, then my brother, then my baby, followed by my husband and 6 months ago my best friend…vulnerable maybe, caring very, naive absolutely!!

      I know I will get through this…..

  129. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 8:02 pm #

    Her mind is haunted and so is her house lol. And on that I swear. Its in your face haunted. Iv seen some shit in my days. But nothing like I have seen there lmao. Wonder if she attracted that shit?

  130. Mark October 17, 2010 at 8:10 pm #


    Yea, having the same feelings is what runs thru my mind too sometimes. Even more if the thought that I just wasted all this time. We have a son 18 in the Army, so I won’t take back a second the miracle that came out of the relationship.

    • Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 8:17 pm #

      If you missed previous posts, my BP ex is in the army too….at the start I always put what he had been through down to the mess in his head, maybe it is, maybe it helped make things worse.
      But I will always be glad I knew him….

  131. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 8:12 pm #

    Oh wishing I’m sorry didn’t mean to upset anyone here is one to help you feel better. My little runaway I wonder.. πŸ™‚

  132. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 8:20 pm #

    Right on mark! You cannot trade the good things that came from your relationship. I’m a romantic. Listning to my sunday night roots of rock N roll. My Coney island baby lol. Right Wish? πŸ˜‰

    • Wishing well October 17, 2010 at 8:25 pm #

      Yeh right….and romantics will find romance again…

      Goodnight you two…here in England its the middle of the night…lolx

  133. Mark October 17, 2010 at 8:29 pm #


  134. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 9:07 pm #

    Hi Josie. If you think begging will help or to make yourself feel like you have given it your best shot or just because you want to.you do what ever it takes to pull you through. First its A)they need love. Then B) they need a strong person to set boundries. C)they need constent attention. D) the mention of A-B and C and they get mean and run away. And when u think you got it under control they pull the blanket out from under you and run away again.unless there is a law where you are that says you can tie him up like a hog. Then its all a crap shoot! Do what you feel is best and take your best shot. Try and figure out if he’s up or down before you contact him. Even though I’m confused by that too. Try when you think he may be close to normal. Good luck.

  135. josie October 17, 2010 at 9:26 pm #

    Hi Lost and Found,

    Thank you for this. Yes, the mention of “love” sends them running away. When he came back last year he told me not to ever mention the word ‘love’ and everything would be fine. Stupid me, I didn’t listen. I was so in love with him that it often would blurt out. I have just emailed him, just a short “I miss you”. I am hoping for a reply, but I don’t think he will. I will keep you posted. Thank you for your encouragement.

    • Wishing well October 18, 2010 at 6:03 am #

      Hi Josie….I, like you didn’t realise this, I never told my BP ex I loved him, never made my feelings clear and he always came back to me, this time for the first time ever just before we got back together I told him how I felt and it has now ended, a break up far worst than any of the other break ups….because of the love word, it brings pressure and commitment with it and he cant do that!
      I dont know if he will come back this time (we have had contact, its been 4 weeks, with no mention of love) but the goal posts have moved, I no longer want this kind of relationship, I want him, yes… oh yes, but I cant live life on the edge….

      I would email in the early days several times, I never had one response, now I just leave it, I text once a week asking “are you ok?” and then I wait….

      …..only this time, the waiting s over!!

  136. lost/and found October 17, 2010 at 9:37 pm #

    Omg I hope I don’t encourage you to get yourself in trouble lol. I tryed everything that I could. My best effort was to bob and weave and head things off. But when they set there mind on leaving then the fun really beguins they will come up with plan after plan in order to cause or creat a problem where they can use it against you in order to leave. And if your quick enough to screw up there plans then they will try try again until the answer for you from them as to why they are leaving you will be the dumbest most stupid reason that will leave you in disbelief and shaking your head in amazment and disgust until you are so tired you could sleep standing up. Best of luck. See you soon πŸ˜‰

    • bittersweet October 17, 2010 at 10:28 pm #

      am so sorry I didnt see your previous post re Beg them to come back .
      look I have been at the begging place too , i have been at the wanting place as well. sometimes it works other times it doesnt. it really depends on who they have met !
      they do tend to like to surprise you , expect the unexpected with them so any predictable behaviour just doesnt happen.
      U can beg if u think he is open to that , but who is it going to hurt more , I dont think him , because when u beg u lose your dignity. They can also repsond with anger because its not really what they want & they feel trapped . just understand roots or no roots u know him better than other women at this point. which u may be able to use to your advantage
      we all on here have struggled with the make contact or not , but the obvious remains …if they really wanted u they would contact u . If they dont its because they are playing a new game. I have often thought & wondered what he gets up to & should I contact him over the years but the truth is IT HURTS to be rejected . We know if they made contact with us we wouldnt reject them because we are in love with them . But if you seriously think about this issue do u want to be in PAIN again
      i think not regards Bittersweet

    • Wishing well October 18, 2010 at 5:47 am #

      This is so true, it is exactly how it happens when they are leaving, they are leaving, there is nothing you can say or do, they will come up with a plan and you will walk straight in to it as I have done many times…..

      ie: You called me too much? You didnt call me enough? You didnt text on time? You made me feel not enough? You dont understand me?

      They were all the reasons he left me, in a normal relationship you would say “sorry” but in a BP relationship theses are reasons they will never talk to you again….they hate you….they no longer love you??

      …..and then you will sit there in disbelief thinking what did I do, am I really so bad, am I a hateful bitch?

  137. Raan October 17, 2010 at 11:14 pm #

    Terri left a msg Thursday on my Home Phone that I just got…

    “Hello Mr.S______s (used my last name)”

    It was long and nice, but matter-of-factly.

    it seems that she has forgotten certain things that we discussed just last week, and it seems by her message that she is willing to let me go trick or treating with the kids but she needs to know what I plan on doing as she needs to make arrangements for it to happen (get rid of the boyfriend temporarily???) …

    I don’t know. She sounds good, but the call seemed all “business” and she did a great job of covering all of the topics.

    She DID mention that once she gets a new phone, and that she IS trying to do this now…she will make the kids available to talk to me as much as I would like….Hmmm.

    She seems a bit distant though….I enjoyed listening to her voice I have to admit.







    • bitter sweet October 18, 2010 at 5:27 am #

      am sorry it is getting so hard for u , but she is making contact surely that is a positive sign . its when they cease all contact u know they have moved on ..the balls in your court & possibly the best way to handle this is just to be polite but UNavailable. Not too pushy , but just be there when she rings or return her calls if she rings to talk to you , but if she is just ringing for money or because she wnats something only u can determine that. chances are upon taking more meds or if they are changed or worse still if she goes off them altogether she may crash & burn . U do have roots together & that is a reason to be in touch on a regular basis , as long as u dont put pressure on her .Starting fresh is only going to take time for both of you & maybe some struggle with her personal circumstances….they do tend to RUN from things ..so after a while she will have either burnt all her bridges there or she will be sick of who she is with ..it depends on what happens where she is , from my experience they do tend to move on fairly quickly from the situations they are in , so if you look at it logically & in the big picture she will soon get tired of what she is doing.
      hope this helps regards bittersweet

  138. lost/and found October 18, 2010 at 5:13 am #


    If I was you I’d keep in contact with her. Try not to bring up anything to stress her(getting back together) and keep yourself within the fold. Or you will be shuffled to the bottom or possibly right out of the deck. They prioritize things. And out of site is out of mind just don’t fall apart when you see her. Its bound to happen but just do the best you can. I wouldn’t cut myself off. Take my advice or don’t take it. Its up to you.

  139. Wishing well October 18, 2010 at 5:29 am #

    Raan, I know you hate this no contact but look what you are achieving, within the week she is now trying to contact you, she is leaving you messages and she has calmed down?

    Hello Mr S______rs is a term of endearment. I often use that when I feel happy and at ease with a partner.

    There is nothing you can do or say to get her back, she will come back when she is ready, when she feels she can, when she is comfortable in her head….and yes, one day she will just contact you, and you will know she is trying to get back in your life!

    You know why she has a 17 year old…..but I will tell you again:
    1. He doesn’t question her.
    2. He is a kid she can get away with anything she wants.
    3. He is going to be very sexually active….he is 17?
    4. He is simple, he has no expectations of her.
    5. She doesn’t love him….she doesn’t have to worry about being hurt!

    If you really want her back you have to wait, its a long waiting game, I waited 6 months once and Bittersweet waited 4 years!!

    If you want my opinion you are doing the right thing at the moment you are trying to get strong you need to work on that, you are not contacting her, if she contacts you then talk to her she has approached you, chat, keep it simple, be kind, don’t ask her back, don’t pester her, don’t question her, don’t argue under no circumstances, if she tries to start something calmly tell her you have to go can she call later when she has calmed down and you will continue the conversation.

    I have said before Raan this is hard work, it always works for me, he always comes back, its up to you, if you want to go through this and keep going through it?

    • Wishing well October 18, 2010 at 5:35 am #

      We all replied at the same time Raan and we have all said basically the same things…..Dont cut her off, but dont pester her……just wait!!

  140. lost/and found October 18, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    Haha the word love played a large part in my relationship. I would tell her I love her all the time even before she said she loves me πŸ™‚ I even asked her once before having sex if she would mind me telling her that I love her during sex. She said yes I can and so I did πŸ™‚ and she loved it. With in minutes I had her screaning out my name telling me she LOVES me lol. During regular talk she would call me love and asked if it was ok. When ever she would advance the relationship to the next level. (I never asked her too) she would say am I ok with it? She’d say does it freak me out? She always advaned our relationship on her own. I think she advanced it to the point where instead of freaking me out it got to her. Also her 12yr old son secretly held a grudg against me. She told me once after we all went out to dinner together that her son was mad that she hugged me in the parking lot when we left. Her daughter also voiced her opinion in the same way once and she told her she could move back with her father. They both stopped until they saw she was going into her change and then both kids but mostly the son started to go bizerk and giving her a hard time and that is when I feel she started to drift away… The deeper she went into her thing the worse the boy got. Until she could not deal with it anymore and cut me lose… Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time dealing with what happend? I have too many what if’s and could have should haves… I hate to say this but I hope that little brat gets his heart broken until his little pea brain realizes the pain he feels is the same if not worse then what he did to me and his mom. Maybe oneday the boy will wake up and realize he has been a ass. I know u ladies will say I’m not right for saying this but this same punk also tryed to get my son hit by a car! He’s a heartless spoiled brat. Maybe also BP?

  141. michelle October 19, 2010 at 11:32 am #

    Omg yeah they love using the witheld or anonymous number, my phone too has been rang by 3 differnet mobile numbers and anonymous constantly day and night for over 2 weeks now. texting and leaving messages. asked me if i get the same messages from the tv as him, sounds more like schizophrenia to me. but anyway he told me via text that all the times he was nasty and horrible to me all these years was because he loved someone else and would i tell her, and she is a freind of mine by the way, i said no i wouldnt- erm why would i?? he said it was the least i could do – erm am i missing something here???? anyway to cut a long story short he rang to tell her and i have spoken to her since, and she told him where to go and that he was a weirdo, omg. now i get texts saying that we stitched him up together and played him like a pawn for a long time???? delusional??? he said i knew all along which i clearly never!!! when i asked why he was telling me all this now and said he should of told me, he said that his different personalities love different people??? erm???? what the hell????? dissociation??? any one any idea WTF??? xxxx
    Good to see you all by the way and i see we have moved lol heheh xxxxx

  142. lost/and found October 19, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    Hi michelle. Yup they are buck wild lol. I give up for now on there silly asses. They remember they forget they forget to remember lol. But they never lose a number or a pick up line. They never forget the percieved shafting they think they got from us but yet they don’t give a shit about the hurt they put us through. Its all fine and good and after all we asked for it or made them doit lmfao. Who is the squerrel here and who’s the nut? I may start telling people I’m bp too this way they won’t hold it against me when I fu-k em and run away πŸ˜‰ omg I think I’m losing it again ohhh well. Maybe I’ll rattle her windows this wkend just for the fun of it or go trick or treats at her house lmao.

    • Wishing well October 19, 2010 at 3:19 pm #

      Maybe some truth in that Lost but where’s the fun in always running…..
      Remember you can only PULL and PUSH whilst you have the looks and the running legs….what happens then?
      Where do all the old BP’s go??

      …..and I am a squirrel.. πŸ˜‰

  143. lost/and found October 19, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    Hi michelle. Yup they are buck wild lol. I give up for now on there silly asses. They remember they forget they forget to remember lol. But they never lose a number or a pick up line. They never forget the perceived shafting they think they got from us but yet they don’t give a shit about the hurt they put us through. Its all fine and good and after all we asked for it or made them doit lmfao. Who is the squirrel here and who’s the nut? I may start telling people I’m bp too this way they won’t hold it against me when I fu-k em and run away πŸ˜‰ omg I think I’m losing it again ohhh well. Maybe I’ll rattle her windows this wkend just for the fun of it or go trick or treats at her house lmao.

  144. lost/and found October 19, 2010 at 3:40 pm #

    If they don’t get capped or do themself in then they prob just commit homicide and get put away? If they go way off the wall they may be committed or something? I no longer think they go north to be with the other bipolar bears πŸ™‚

  145. lost/and found October 19, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    I’m sorry. Sometimes I try to take the edg off the situation with a little of my dumb humor. There life expectency is around the same as a heavy smoker or less. Disease. Suicide. Jail. Mentel health facility. Smoking drinking drugs ect. Its not good on the big spectrum.

    • Wishing well October 19, 2010 at 6:11 pm #

      He text me the weekend told me the doctor said he was going to die ( didnt give any more details….said he wasnt going to talk about it!)
      He’s a heavy smoker…roll ups no tips!
      He’s a heavy drinker.
      Has lost half his stomach!
      Once told me he didnt want get old?
      Faced death many times….they make good soldiers!

  146. lost/and found October 19, 2010 at 6:27 pm #

    I’m so sorry wishing. I talk a lot of shit sometimes it helps me to pretend that things don’t bother me. But they do. We are here because we have become super attached to someone and have very pure and very sincere feelings. I would not wish anything bad on anyone. I am always here for you when ever you want to talk. I’m not so tough just a big jerk that got his ass beat by the cutest little bp girl iv ever seen in my entire life. Yes they must make for a real kick ass soldier. Task oriented remember? XxOo

    • Wishing well October 19, 2010 at 6:45 pm #

      No value of life…is more like the right answer?

      You dont have apologize, you talk a lot of sense too!

      We all pretend it doesnt bother us, I am planning dinner with someone new, pretending everything is normal, only already I am panicking….

      I am just wondering how many Bipolar traits am I going to take with me in to other relationships, like if he doesn’t call will I imagine hes gone? After the times we get close will I imagine he will run away? When I call him will I be waiting for a big argument to start if I haven’t called on time? Will I have to watch what I am saying all the time? Will I not have to question him, when maybe he will want me too? Will he tell me he loves me, then 4 hours later tells me he hates me??

      ……and in 6 months time when my ex BP calls and tells me hes sorry and he now has his life in order and he wants me back again, will I be the one running…..back again??

  147. lost/and found October 19, 2010 at 7:11 pm #

    Regrettably the answer may be yes to quit a few of the things you said.But in other things you will feel relief. I have been in two failed relationships and out with more woman since she left then most people date in a life time. I put bipolar guys to shame lol while they are hiding out somewhere depressed I keep moving. You will have learned both negetive and positive aspects of people. Best thing is for me to keep quit.just try not to be too critical or judgmentle on new people. Just go into any new relationship with the thought that you are wanting to be friends first. And see where it leads πŸ™‚ will you run when he calls? Will I run when she calls? Umm maybe but we both know what will happen and maybe we will reach our fill and move on?

    • Wishing well October 20, 2010 at 5:41 am #

      I, like you, have dated a lot, after every break up I tried to forget, I never found what I was looking for and I moved on, very easily??
      You must forgive, I have always forgiven, almost immediately, because I know he is ill but that doesnt make it right, it doesnt mean they can do as they want but its up to us to decide how much we are prepared to take and I know I cant take no more!

  148. lost/and found October 19, 2010 at 7:33 pm #

    Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley

    • Wishing well October 20, 2010 at 5:06 am #

      Thought I had Lost…..thought I had!!!

  149. Raan October 20, 2010 at 12:08 am #

    terri called today. I answered it. She asked if I am still in Atlanta, and I told her no, we were back. She asked who i took and I told her a “friend” she asked if I took that blond on my myspace page. I changed the subject and she asked if she was still here. I said my friend was gone and she asked if she was my girlfriend. i told her no. In truth, my friend russ was still here, but she thinks I took a lady friend. Seemed annoyed actually.

    She wanted to borrow 10 bucks…told me she was stranded and out of gas, and had no one else to ask for the money. I told her I am sorry about her problem. She put the kids on and they talked with me for a bit. My daughter hung up playing with the keys.terri called right back and asked me again for the money. I asked her why her boyfriend isn’t giving her the money she needs and said this wouldn’t ever happen were she with me. She got quiet. Then, she got mad. Said she wants all of her stuff back. Said she was wanting her car back i use. She has the title on it, but it is and has been my car since we bought the van for her. She got a lil nastier. I asked her, so…unless i give you ten dollars, you are going to take my car? She said that she put a lot into our relationship too, like buying the above ground pool, and I said, well…take it if you want it then. She got quiet. I said, well terri…if it’s going to be you take my car vs. 10 bucks…well-I’ll send you ten bucks. I told her if you take the car, I can’t make any money and if I make no money, then YOU get no money from me for child support. She got quiet again. She said I ought to have that blond from the myspace page buy me a car then. I told her I do not have a girlfriend. I said, I am treating you like “business” because it’s how you have been treating me. I said that you have been so matter of factly about this whole thing…so cold and distant, like it matters nothing to you…so unemotional. So…businesslike, so that’s how I am treating you as this seems to be the pattern you want to take.

    I asked about the halloween night and trick or treating with the kids and she said that I ought to just come up on the 30th and spend time with the kids. I can see them at her mom’s – I get the impression that she doesn’t either want me to see where she lives (I’ve been to these projects before and ughh, but I have already seen them-not hers, but)or she doesn’t want me to meet this 17 year old boyfriend for whatever reason.

    Everything was so difficult with her. She put the kids back on and I talked with them. Sophie hung up on the phone.

    15 minutes later, I called back on the number she dialed me on…she picked it up. I said. Terri, I have one thing to say to you…

    YOU are the love of my life, and mean more to me than anything on this Earth. You are my soul-mate, and I love you more than you will EVER know. She got quiet for about an entire minute. After, she said I am sorry and excuse me. I think she was crying. After another few moments of silence, i said, Terri- I LOVE you. She said “I know” in a low bummed out voice. It got quiet again. She then said, Raan…Are you coming up the 30th, (I thought we covered this, but???) I said yes, but I was hoping to go trick or treating with the kids on halloween, but I don’t want to make you or your boyfriend uncomfortable…she said, forget it(she didn’t want to earlier)…you can. I said thanks.

    I don’t think I want to go trick or treating with this boy-friend there, so in a few days, I’ll probably mention this.

    She called back about 5 minutes later to tell me that she has a home phone now, so I can call whenever I like to talkmwith my kids. She wanted me to call tonight, but I told her tomorrow is better. She said that 7-ish was best each night.

    I don’t know if today was good that I established boundaries or not, but threatening to take away my car because of my unwillingness to give her 10 bucks is ridiculous.

    I can only imagine tonight when she got home that she is chewing out this kid because he isn’t taking care of her needs and them getting into a fight over it….Nice to dream about, eh?

    I don’t think she can support herself long term in this situation she created this last few weeks. I think when Sophie comes to live here for the next 4-6 weeks that without my child support money coming as long as Sophie is here, new bills that are going to come due, Christmas coming, and now a phone bill on top of all this that she won’t make it. She mentioned this in the first call even….about how tough it’s going to be. I told her today that she put herself in this situation and that I wish that she understood how important FAMILY is and how she should have tried to work things out for our Family, and not just left without giving me a chance to work things out if she was truly unhappy. No comment.




    I wonder if she even WAS out of gas…she didn’t seem to want it after I gave in over the car.

    Observation…she seemed really annoyed I perhaps went out with this blond that commented on my myspace page about me being “hot”…thinks we’re going out…and it’s bugging her.


    it REALLY annoyed her when i said, why don’t you ask your boyfriend for money…we’re not together anymore. It’s his job. She even said, I really don’t appreciate your comment you last said when I said it. I told her, well…it’s his job now, and while it wouldn’t be this way if we were together, that’s HIS job now.

    What do you people think? I felt AWFUL telling her no today. I feel terrible even now, and want to ask her “baby, just come home and we’ll work all of this out and I promise to make you happier than you have ever been…something tells me to just give her space and make contact to as little as possible….I want to tell her what I feel for her soooo bad.

    Give her time? My uncle seems to think she’ll crack with no money and things getting harder. I don’t know…I want to believe she will return…I also think she is gone for good.



    • bitter sweet October 20, 2010 at 2:50 am #

      Raan Raan Raan U did GREAT my friend, am very happy for you .
      Ok lets just keep the cards like they are being played in this game, now, & see what happens
      Wow U DID GOOD ..I feel for you & her ..

  150. Raan October 20, 2010 at 3:03 am #

    Bittersweet wrote:

    Ok lets just keep the cards like they are being played in this game, now, & see what happens

    WHAT do I do now bittersweet? Not call but once a week perhaps? Does it sound like I am making any progress? What do you think of her actions now?

    I KNOW that she loves me still…the jealousy stuff today spoke volumes, but she is with this kid still…living with him…

    I guess she has been looking at my myspace page…there is a blond good looking woman that has commented she likes me. She is rather good looking herself. Is this a good thing that she is looking at my profile? i think so, but ???

    WHAT DO I DO NOW????

    • bitter sweet October 20, 2010 at 4:54 am #

      just remain indifferent, but keep doing what you are doing. they are hard work , tho but she is contacting you that is a good sign ..Just dont start trying to control her let her think she is deciding to come back on her own …also like we originally said she will tire of the kids 24/7 she will eventually need a break
      you are in a good place ..making progress.

    • Wishing well October 20, 2010 at 5:03 am #

      Raan, did you miss my last email, here is some of it again…. I know you hate this no contact but look what you are achieving, within the week she is now trying to contact you, she is leaving you messages and she has calmed down, she is even showing signs of jealousy?

      There is “nothing” you can do or say to get her back, she will come back when she is ready, when she feels she can, when she is comfortable in her head…

      You know why she has a 17 year old…..but I will tell you again:
      1. He doesn’t question her.
      2. He is a kid she can get away with anything she wants.
      3. He is going to be very sexually active….he is 17?
      4. He is simple, he has no expectations of her.
      5. She doesn’t love him….she doesn’t have to worry about being hurt!

      If you really want her back you have to wait, its a long waiting game, I waited 6 months once and Bittersweet waited 4 years!!

      If you want my opinion you are doing the right thing at the moment you are trying to get strong you need to work on that, you are not contacting her, if she contacts you then talk to her, she has approached you, chat, keep it simple, be kind, don’t ask her back, don’t pester her, don’t question her, don’t argue under no circumstances, if she tries to start something calmly tell her you have to go can she call later when she has calmed down and you will continue the conversation.

      As for the money thing you must pay what is legally required for your child, if you child needs stuff and she has no money then send what stuff she needs…..dont bail her out of everything, but help her where you can? Giving her the cash is not always a good idea…..they spend unwisely…is Sophie needs shoes then you buy the shoes dont just send the money!!

      I have said before Raan this is hard work, it always works for me, he always comes back, its really up to you, if you want to go through this and keep going through it?


  151. Raan October 20, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

    I am feeling very bad today….nothing is going well in my life right now, and with Terri gone too…and the kids…I am so frickin depressed.

    She wants me to call tonight, and talk with Brandon (the oldest boy).

    I don’t know if it is best to leave her be and make her wonder “why isn’t he calling?”


    call and talk with my oldest son?

    IF I call, I am in the frame of mind to profess my most loving feelings for her…I want to talk with her…tell her how madly in love I am with her…

    She knows…I know.

    Hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm. I hate life right now, and I am usually the most happy and good attitude man….

    This crap is eating away at me like a cancer.

    Tomorrow, I will try and be more optimistic and have a better attitude.

    Any more advice?

  152. lost/and found October 20, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    Raan I am going to say this as gently and as honest as I possibly can and you can take my advice or you can discount it. Yes call and talk to your son. But I’m telling you do not open up with the I love you stuff and going deep into that. I am going to tell you that love scares them it hurts them and at this point its like hitting her over the head with a I love you club. Please just call. Talk to your sons your daughter and then do the romantic thing and tell her only once before you hang up that you love her. And then go have some time and vent your feelings. Vent your feelings its ok and its healthy to do. Sometimes I feel like I am wounded animal.

    • Wishing well October 20, 2010 at 6:02 pm #

      Lost is so right Raan….I have never told my Ex I love him ( and he also told me the same!) until the last time we got back together, it was a massive mistake because we had the worst break up ever and I know he is not coming back this time.
      He told me he hates me and he has never done that before, he said he hates me because I F— Up his head?

      Before I was simple….I put him under no pressure, he didn’t know if I loved him, he knew I cared but he didn’t have to live up to anything, now he thinks LOVE means being hurt….him as well as me….and its true because now we both hurt!!


      • bittersweet October 20, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

        Wishing well
        so well said ..I agree totally
        Any time I have ever poured out my heart via email or text I usually dont get any response or a one word answer. With ‘ Normal ‘ relationships the partner does respond to warm words & u do have to remember she is not going to do what u think she will.
        Its mostly like a game to them to entertain themselves , at your expense & it does SUCK majorly but whats the alternative BEG & GET nothing except silence or arguments ..pls understand she is not like u , she doesnt think like u , dont be a try hard or just like monopoly u will go back to jail ..

  153. Mark October 21, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

    Wow folks alot has happened in 2 days. Don’t shoot me, but, I’m not too sure all this begging, forgiving, lovey dovey stuff is the way to go. Don’t get me wrong I understand being lonely, I understand wanting things to be the way they used to be but you gotta have a little more self respect. Sorry.

    I sure wish a few of us folks could meet each other. Relationships gotta be healthy ones. I’m not too sure being involved in one that is one way is the best thing for anyone. I tried using my kids as an excuse to stay involved but it will eventually will tear you down as a person. Sure don’t hope we have masochistic (sp) tendencies or not enough hope to think we can have a better person in ours lives.

    This is a Mental illness we are dealing, these people need long term stable care. Let’s not get too excited about any one thing that they say or do to give us false hope. We all know how the dance goes and yes it includes a dip and very often a drop.

  154. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    Yes it would be nice to meet some of the sweethearts that are on here. I actually took off a half day yesterday and went on two dates. I’m in dating hypordrive lol. The first girl was nice but not really my type and the second girl was a neat little package and we hit it off really well. I do not bring up any of this stuff when I go out. There is better out there. We just need to find it.if these people were really meant to stay with us they would make the effort to get treatment and they would be with us. Its sad and its a shame but it is what it is πŸ™‚

    • Wishing well October 21, 2010 at 7:52 pm #

      Brilliant…..I love a happy ending….lol :-0

      I am a sweetheart…..but I am guessing there is a big pond between us?? πŸ˜‰ xx

  155. Mark October 21, 2010 at 5:51 pm #


    That’s cool. Yea, you gotta get out there and meet new people. I know it’s full of anxiety and fear at times. It’s easy to lock to someone especially if you are Obsessive compulsive (OCD). One girl used to call up to 20-30 times while I was at work. Yea, babe I still love ya, (Ya, I say it, doesn’t get em running) but gotta get some work done.

  156. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 6:24 pm #

    Yes sometimes its hard to get motivated enough to even want to go out. But I go anyway. Convince myself I’m going for a ride. Things change once I’m moving along. Yesterday I took one girl out in the hopes of what? I havnt got a clue lol. The second girl I met on line and she was awesome. Way better then expected and we hung out for a few hrs made plans to meet agin this weekend on saterday. Then I got home fired up my computer and made a date with christine for friday night next weekend. Am I being honest? Yes I am. Told each girl that I am looking for a partner and I’m doing the dating thing. Take a number and I’ll call you back lol πŸ˜‰ but I’m thinking I have my eyes on the girl I met last night. I’ll see where it goes. Yeah I still glance around for my bpgirl she was the shit. I guess I am attracted to the rebelious and wild types. I notice very few of the woman I date do not have tattoo’s. Hmm intresting cause I have them too πŸ˜‰

    • Wishing well October 21, 2010 at 7:59 pm #

      Its the old line….. “Plenty of Fish”….. hey Lost?? πŸ˜‰

  157. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 8:02 pm #

    Most likely wish 😦 I am in new york. Its a big pond but it seems so close on here. πŸ™‚ I am bringing my kids back to there mom now I ttyl. You guys are my extended family all of ya πŸ˜‰ love you guys!

    • Wishing well October 21, 2010 at 8:20 pm #

      Love you too Lost, I am in England …. wouldnt it be nice to all keep in touch and see it through to the happy ending?? I have only got through the last 4 weeks because of all of you with your help and advise and care! x

  158. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 8:18 pm #

    I’m just trying to keep moving hoping and a wishing πŸ™‚ I have learned a hard lesson each time I try to move ahead and fail. Each time I learn something I can use to make the next person in my life happy and in return all I want is to be happy too.

    • Wishing well October 21, 2010 at 8:23 pm #

      You will be, we all will be because we have learnt so much about people, our day will come! πŸ˜‰

  159. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 8:31 pm #

    Hey wish you ever see a movie called the breakfast club? That’s us lol. We pulled into Disfunction junction and our trains jumped track or like michelle once said welcome to the hotel california.

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 5:14 am #

      I haven’t but I am sure going to watch it now!!

      I am in the early stages of my break up and I am not even sure its over yet!! Its been 5 weeks almost but we have had contact and it has been civil!

      I am starting again though, I have had two dates with the same person and a third is going to happen I think, I have also had a couple of other dates that I knew immediately would come to nothing, like you… Lost, you know the immediate attraction, the one we all had with our Bipolar Ex’s?

      Most of us are too old for messing about, playing games and dating endlessly, we just want to find a partner and after what we have been through we deserve to be happy!!

  160. Mark October 21, 2010 at 8:34 pm #

    Yea, never stop learning, never stop wanting to learn. I thought I used to ask the stupidiest questions. Many times they were situational, why did she do this when I did that? what was she thinking? Well, she wasn’t thinking she was bored and just reacting, there was no thought into why she did something. Spock would have gone crazy.

    If I say this shes going to get upset and even more pissed off then she is now, well tough cookies. You want act like a jackass, I’ve got to say hey jackass, what up?
    And that memory loss, plz, very nice. Let me kick you in the cooyons, rip out your heart, dance on it and then wake up in the morning and ask if we’re still going shopping after work. Yea, we’re going shopping. Shopping for some new meds to keep you stable.

  161. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 8:37 pm #

    hey wish is it me or does the thought of moving on make you sad too? I just got all choked up and teary eyed at the thought of moving on away from where I’m at. That’s not normal is it?

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 5:26 am #

      Yes, you are normal….you have feelings!!

      You also had hopes and dreams and thats the bit you cant move away from…..its the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN?……WHAT IF?….. IF ONLY? syndrome!

      Yes, moving on makes me sad, I have never had memories like this before, I have never had feelings like this before but I have never had PAIN like this before either!

      Maybe we may never find what we had ( that would be an interesting post…. “Has anyone ever moved on and found the same intense love again with a normal person?” ) but we have to move on because we know…..well we know, what we know…..DONT WE? πŸ˜‰

  162. Mark October 21, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

    Your Serotonin level must be getting low.

  163. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 8:53 pm #

    Thank you mark for the reminder. I need to be reminded on a daily basis of what was and what is. I think that the rougher our lives were in the past the softer our hearts get towards the people and things we love. Iv been shot at more times then I care to remember. Hit by a car so many fights in my youth. Arms torn from sockets knifed slashed and robbed. Gang fights race riots and my wrist slashed open by broken glass. And yet I would think twice about snuffing out a bug. Its crazyness I’m up and I’m down and it is what it is and I’m fooling myself everyday that the happy ending will come my way. I want it I need it and I fear it will never come to me. I won’t settle for second best and I’m so fucked up sometimes. Does bp rub off on a person? Wtf. I was happy two hrs ago and now I’m down again. What will it take to be happy with in my own skin?

  164. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    I will check into that mark. I think low potasium too. Sometimes I eat bananas and it makes me feel better. Either that or iv gone off the deep end. Tomorrow will be a better day then today right?

  165. Mark October 21, 2010 at 9:09 pm #

    Yea, tommorrow will be better. Hell, you may be better in 15 mins, watch an episode of Seinfeld, put on some music. The mind is so complex, you may want to really go fanatic and mood chart. Sometimes, it is link to food, time of day, etc. Mine, damn was my med, Coors Light. I drank to stop the thinking, the mind racing, the anxiety. And when I woke up in the am depressed from pouring a depression toxin in my system half the night, whats was I supposed to feel like? An athelete?

  166. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 9:22 pm #

    Yeah you are right mark. I sort of lay there some nights not in a real sleep I usually get up before my alarm rings at 445am. Sometimes I just conk out during the day. If I drink it can go either way. Either I get tired and can sleep or it wakes me up like rocket fuel. Also had two back operations so can’t stay sleeping in one spot too long. A friend of mine found out he had lung cancer last month and od’d himself into a heart attack. I don’t wanna go that rout. I have young kids they don’t need to deal with that. I’ll get to bed early tonight and hope for a good nights sleep. Thanks for the wake up call. I’m snapping up out of it now. Good.

  167. Mark October 21, 2010 at 9:27 pm #

    Let me tell ya a secret. Your thoughts are YOUR choice. No matter what people say to you or do to you. Now, I’m not saying, bust out laughing driving by a plane crash, but you get my point.

  168. Mark October 21, 2010 at 9:29 pm #

    Crosby just scored, so I’m happy. Yes, I’m in Pittsburgh.

  169. lost/and found October 21, 2010 at 9:42 pm #

    That’s kool. Your not so far away from me your state has its share of trouble too. I once knew a girl from maryland she was crazy as they come. This chick heard voices and thought everyone was talking about her including people on the radio she was stalking some radio dj. And when I cought up with her one night in jersey she put a 380 auto in my face. There some scary people out there man and sometimes all you can do is shake your head and laugh. But how this little 110lb bpgirl broke me? Again all I can do is sit here and grin on my face thinking about the good times I had. I’m gonna hit the hay now. I’ll catch you guys on the rebound. Gnight

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 5:38 am #

      There are some scary people out there Lost but it is all lessons to be learnt….

      During a break up with my EX I went on a date, we met on the internet too, we started talking and calling/texting for about 2 weeks before we met, I felt quite close to him, then we had a couple of dates and by the third date I knew…..HE WAS BIPOLAR TOO!!

      Knowledge is never wasted….. πŸ˜‰

  170. josie October 21, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    Hi Wishing Well/ Lost and Found, Robert, everyone:

    Remember I didn’t know whether to contact my bp or not?
    Well I did. I emailed him saying I missed him. The following day he emailed me saying : “please don’t send me any more emails.”
    I replied: “as you wish. goodbye/ plus his name.”Do you guys think I did the right thing?
    Do you think it’s truly over?
    Could he actually contact me after that?

    • bitter sweet October 22, 2010 at 5:56 am #

      josie , am not sure why u emailed , how long since u have had contact with this person , they are nasty sons of bitched if you ask me anyway . at least u got your answer a polite way of saying fuk off I guess . at least he didnt say that ..they get angry then they feel bad next it will be sorry but ,….I wouldnt worry too much about his stupid answer anyway , he is not happy , will he ever be happy ? I think not ? and why blame yourself noone is to blame for being kind & gentle as u r . In 10 years time he will still be stuck in the same drainpipe he is in now , and hopefully u will have moved onto a more fulfilling relationship than what this ass has to offer ..dont worry about him
      regards Bittersweet

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 6:05 am #

      Hi Josie,

      Your post made me go all cold, funny how they all use the same words…..that could have been sent by my Ex.
      I received exactly the same replys….DONT CONTACT ME AGAIN…LEAVE ME ALONE….PLEASE GO AWAY….I DONT NEED YOU!
      Yes, in my opinion you did the right thing, its what I do, I put “OK, FINE, I WILL GO THEN” and I go…I check in a week later see how he’s feeling or he calls me, or sometimes I just dont bother!

      No, its not over!

      ….and yes he may contact you again, depending on how much he really does need you?

      I had exactly those words sent on Christmas Morning… three days later I had ” Sorry babe, its called panic”

      I have had them since, the worst ones being the last break up….
      He may contact you it depends whether he will move on to the next person, or whether you mean enough to him for him to contact you….you can never tell, they dont think as we do!

      My Ex started adding women to his MSN as soon as we were over this time, he then contacted me a week later…..he knows he can chase other women and find some sort of satisfaction but he also knows they wont give him everything I gave him….

      Once I asked him ” What do you want from me?” he replied ” EVERYTHING….BUT I JUST CANT HANDLE IT!”

  171. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 5:40 am #


    Three months into not seeing her I’d figured she would be coming down off of what ever point it was that she broke off with me I thought it a good time to drop her an email just to say hello. She wrote me back the exact same reply you had recived except added to mine was the fact that she has moved on and I need to do the same. Oh yeah also that she has no hard feelings against me? Wtf? I guess in there minds we have all been the bad guys guilty of doing something to them? Its now been eight full months since she left me and no contact at all. For me being told not to write her anymore was hurtful. They don’t seem to understand that after falling in love and sharing all the intimate talks we had and everything that it should be ok to remain atleast friends? When we are gone from there lives or no longer needed for sex or what ever we are really gone. And that’s where I first asked this question above(Do bipolar people have feelings?)Apparently they do but not for us. Its very sad but I guess sadness is also only left for us. I told her I would go away but that she is in my heart now and it will take time to recover from her. I recived no reply. And here I am eight months later still a basket case at times. I sujest you find a new guy that you feel an attraction to and build a relationship new. There are other men out there who desurve and desire a caring loving person and I am one of them only its a lot harder for me it seems because even though I’m not a prize I have become sort of picky in what and who I want to be with. I am not as carefree as I used to be mainly because I do not ever want to use a person only for greedy sex and then take off leaving them hurt like I was. But I know there are many woman out there the type that I like that will leave me hanging or aleast that’s what I have been finding. Where I live there are the ultra rich and the ultra poor and I am lost somewhere between the two. I wish I could find someone who is pretty and not in need of anything but a good man that would die for them if need be. But I haven’t.

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 6:25 am #

      Can I just say LOST..without you taking offence….you will find someone, who is pretty and doesn’t need anything from you but YOU, when you have digested these words into your head….and these words came from a sixteen year old boy who may see life a little different to us old people….

      …..HE SAID, “STOP COMPARING” and I have digested them, I know the next person or maybe several people wont be the SAME but everyone has SOMETHING and do we really want the SAME?

  172. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 6:50 am #

    Wow wishing bitter/babe trust and michelle now josie. We are like exact copies of each other when it comes to our wants and needs. Bitter/babe finds another bipolar bear online. I keep finding similar. Do we find them or is it they find us? Now I found someone I would like to make it work. Its only been one date and she told me she’s happy we met. I texted her a few times yesterday and then decided to back off. I am afraid that a normal person will not be receptive to my type of wanting to be close already? I didn’t text her last night to allow room for her. Now I’m afraid to over do anything with her. I think the living from one extreme to the next has in some way rubbed off on me? Wouldn’t it be nice to have two bipolar partners that could alternate between there highs and lows? When one takes off the other stays and when its her turn to run away the other stays? Lol I know they all demand to be the only one in our life even while they are off cheating lol. But its just a pipe dream of mine πŸ™‚

    • bitter sweet October 22, 2010 at 7:04 am #

      hi guys ..I dont know about these texts u r all receiving
      I was never told ‘to go away , or stop contacting me ‘
      I was never told I dont love u ‘ or that he had moved on ‘ he did say that he couldnt love me the way i wanted him too ‘ but not those ones ..mine has only ever text cryptic statements …’ what the world needs now’ etc
      other than that all i ever got was a big fat nothing
      my BP was master of silence .. he wouldnt respond to a text or email for 1 week but that was as worse as it got there . am not entirely sure i could handle text like those , maybe my BP was not sooooo bad after all
      Naaaaaa cant be the no contact finished me ..
      If anyone is interested too there is a site called
      http://www.livingmanicdepression.com a bit of insight into what they feel & think
      kind regards

      • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 8:19 am #

        No, I have had that too, the ignoring, he does “eventually” ( lol Bitterbabe! ) reply because I think he knows in his head…..somewhere near the back…..that if he doesn’t I WILL WALK or RUN maybe, because on our very first date I told him ” I only text someone three times, if they don’t reply… I walk!!
        He HAS always replied by the third….MEMORY WORKS SOMETIMES…hey?

      • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 9:16 am #

        Bittersweet…..he wasnt sooooo bad eh…..

        Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her. But don’t make her fall, if you don’t plan to catch her……. πŸ˜‰ xx

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 8:40 am #

      I am in just the same position as you Lost, I have met someone who could be special, you can tell, cant you? BUT I am too wondering how to play the “normal game”

      I wont text him first because I am scared of getting too close, I dont want him to think I am “chasing him” we have dated twice and been chatting emailing/texting for 2 months now, he texts me and I always think before I open it “what will it say….it could be GO AWAY?”

      He did say to me on our last date, you dont call, men must think you dont care about them?

      Where is the medium?

      We have had, when in its good days, very intense relationships, we have had very powerful love and lovemaking, I dont know if anything will ever “compare” to this but we have no choice, if you want to get off the roller-coaster then you gotta ride the bus for a while and see? πŸ˜‰

  173. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 7:12 am #

    Wishing/trust/michelle/mark/josie/and anyone else that comes here even an angry bipolar bear. I always take what you guys say in a good way. I’m with my friends in a safe place when I’m here with you guys. Even if its something I may not want to hear I know its all for the good and I never take offence. I agree with your friend the 16yr old. And I’m glad you brought that to the front of my mind because I need to hear it. I know this comparison thing is a fault that causes me to not only fail in a new relationship but to also find partners that are not good. I mean if I am looking for the same good traits I found in bpgirl I will most likely end up with another bpgirl. This is the kind of support that I look for from you guys. Its easy for me to tell others and then turn around and make all of the same mistakes iv made in the past all over again. Is this a bipolar trait I have adopted? I get back into another bad relationship and do not even realise I am in a pattern? Is this how they feel? Am I one of them and do not know it? What the hell happened?

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 8:59 am #

      The 16 year old is my son….he is standing back and observing what I am doing, sometimes it takes someone else to see what you are doing and you cant see it yourself, your not Bipolar, you are making the same mistakes because you are looking for the same person……you are “comparing”

      We will all compare, we all want back what we have lost…..the good times:

      Sometimes you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life. You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, even months analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together. Justifying what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on. β™₯

  174. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 7:34 am #

    Yup bitterbabe you know the old saying if you can’t say anything good say nothing at all? Well I would have rather got the silent treatment then the ice cold do not write to me anymore! I have moved on from you and you need to do the same. Talk about feeling instant loss and rejection that is how it was for me. After sharing all the sweetness to be told so matter of fact to get lost you mean nothing to me. Its brutal and prob was the most effective way for her to end things fast. But someone tell me again why they go back to dating?

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 8:11 am #

      Because Lost perhaps they are looking for what we are but as bittersweet said to me yesterday “they do the same things over and over again”…. and expect different results…..”the definition of insanity” as Albert Einstein once said!!

  175. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 8:11 am #

    Wishingwell πŸ™‚

    Watch the movie it came out in I think the 80s you will enjoy it and you will get the drift of what I feel about us on this thread compared to the movie πŸ™‚ and its fun to watch I’m sure either way you will like it πŸ™‚ it was always one of my favorits. Get some popcorn sit back and enjoy!

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 8:26 am #

      Talking of movies, I saw “Revolutionary Road” the other day ( Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet) have you seen it? Watch it, there’s a guy in it who is Mentally disturbed, his perception of the couple and their relationship is just so spot on???
      The mentally disturbed people are just so clever they should never be underestimated, after all could you do what they do?? πŸ˜‰

  176. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 9:15 am #

    Iv only been on one date with this new girl I could easily over do things. Like you I can be very intense and I enjoy it that way. But I caught myself and backed off. Wish if the guy says to you you don’t call isn’t that an invitation to call? I’d call but just be careful not to overdue it. I guess in time we will be able to build on and build up to the intensity we are looking for? I have noticed most woman like that I am a little agressive. Iv been told assertiveness is sexy. Is this true to most woman? The new girl I think also enjoys that I persue her but I don’t want to over do it. Any thoughts on this for me? I totally enjoy it when the woman I like calls and or text me. To me it shows they care:)

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 9:37 am #

      Ok one question at a time….without trying to be more offensive, men are difficult, even the normal ones….lol Men like the chase, so women are a little unsure on whether to make contact first…

      Assertiveness is a great turn on…it goes back to old fashioned values that most women have tried to get rid of but wish they hadnt….women wont admit that they do still like being looked after, protected, cared for…. pursued.
      In times of need, a woman still wants a man to be there to care and look after her, even if they wont admit it to their friends or their men!!
      Ask a women what position they like most in bed…..its the one where she feels protected?

      I love to be pursued and that’s what makes a Bipolar partner so irresistible, they let all their feelings out to capture you!

      And yes, women like aggression in the right form…. dont the most powerful men always get the girl?
      …..and thats because she thinks he will be able to love and protect her?

  177. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 10:00 am #

    Wish I like your style πŸ™‚ I am going to try and find some sort of middle ground and work from there. I guess each woman is different in what she will or will not respond to so I will try to keep it up beat and not look to find things that may or may not exist check πŸ˜‰

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 10:52 am #

      Good luck….we are both at the same stage now, willing to move on, wanting to move on but finding it hard to put it into practise.
      We have issues there is no doubt about that, we will find it a different type of relationship to what we have had, we will have trust issues but we can get through this, we are strong, look what we have been through! πŸ˜‰

  178. Raan October 22, 2010 at 11:42 am #

    I don’t even know where to start…Terri called this afternoon…went off on me that I haven’t called my children and that I should have the decency to call because they miss their Daddy….i told her that I have been pretty heartbroken over everything and I needed some space. Started screaming at me that I am not too messed up becuase I can take that blond on myspace out to that concert!! I took my friend Russ, but she seems to think I took this woman -I told her I have been and always will be in love with her. I don’t have a girlfriend. screamed at me that i need to step up and get some money together and take care of the boys needs. I told her I didn’t create this situation and I would love to have all of the kids back here…and she said what, I’M supposed to come back too then??? Told me that the middle one has a bad earache and she doesn’t have enough money to pay the THREE dollars…wanted to say that the oldest boy wants to know if I would buy them Halloween costumes, and I told him I already knew what the answer was….I told her I don’t have enough money right now, but I will see what I can do..told me that she wants the playstation…I told her I would call the kids tonight…I was supposed to call them vs. terri calling me because her phone is only local, so I have to call…7ish.

    I can’t remember exactly what was said because the two calls that happened were so full off rage and blame…I’m a bit off…

    I called at 7 and at 8…no answer…what the F**k????

    she called me at 10…interesting, as her phone DOES have long distance…another lie.

    She had the kids on…so i talked to them all for several minutes a piece. After, I hung up. THEN, the phone calls start. hal;f a dozen? i finally answered…terri said…go ahead Brandon, ask your daddy…

    The oldest asked if he could come down here and see me …I said that we’ll talk about it when I come up in a little over a week. Toldhim I loved him and hung up….terri called back again….this time saying what are you too busy to talk? I said, I am busy righrt now, what do you need…she started SCREAMING- TOO busy to talk to your kids? that’s right kids…your Daddy is too busy to talk to you…what are you doing? She went off for 12-15 minutes screaming at the top of her lungs….fast fast fast….couldn’t get a word in at all. She blamed me for being a piece of crap (kids could hear everything). I told her I didn’t create this situation Terri…got cut off-I DON”T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!!!!!! She belted back. I told her I would love to spend time with the kids…she said I never want to see the boys…you ALWAYS want to get sophie (I’ve only had her once since the breakup-always? never? Huh??? She said SUCH mean and cruel things. Had Brandon crying and blamed it on me. Told me I had to step up and be a real man…take care of my sons….told me I was a piece of work…ask my Uncle or friends just how bad I am treating the boys….Accused me of everything under the sun. talked so fast, I can’t even remember it all. I was mortified. SCREAMING at me. for 10 minutes plus straight! said I don’t listen, and I said…terri.- all I have done is listened…you won’t even let me talk…she cut me off…I said terri, unless you calm down, I will not talk to you riht now…she screamed I AM CALM! YOU are the one that is screaming- Huh? I was calm as could be. sahe continued to scream at the top of her lungs…HYSTERICALLY!!!

    I told her again about being calm or else…after 5 more minutes of this abuse, I hung up on her. tried calling me back, I didn’t answer. She was emotionally blackmailing me, using guilt, manipulation….sickened me to no end. I could say more, but this is the gist of it….

    I could not even sleep last night, as this really tore me up.

    MANIA???? Taking her pain out on me? My friend heard the whole conversation and said after, that bit*h is INSANE! I would get my daughter and RUN!!!! She is whacked!

    My friend said, raan, you DID NOT do ANYTHING wrong! She wouldn’t even let you talk and accused you of not listening and all you did WAS listen. I would have told her to F off a long time ago.

    I don’t know what to do…she sounds out of her mind.

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 12:53 pm #

      Ok Raan we have all had our little snipes at bipolar, we have all said things when we feel hurt but this is SERIOUS….she has now reached the stage where medical help is needed, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH TO HER.

      I dont know how far from her you live but if it was me and my kids were stuck in the middle of all this I would be there and removing them, as soon as possible.

      I am not sure but I would say this is PANIC as well as MANIC she is calling you because somewhere in her subconsciousness she needs help…..her mind is tormented with you and the blonde she seems to know she needs help, that is why she is asking in a roundabout way “will you take the kids” all of them!

      Bi-polars will not ask for help!

      I think she needs time alone…..I could be wrong but she is going through a difficult time, all bipolars need space and alone time…..she has no one to help and she has children to care for!

      I maybe wrong Raan, thats why I have posted here and not sent you a personal email so as others can help too!

      I think you have to forget your needs for the moment and your NUMBER ONE priority must be those kids all of them!!
      If she is willing for you to take them can you have them for a while, SHE NEEDS HELP?
      You must forget your relationship problems and work on getting the children stable and then TERRI stable before you even think about sorting out the two of you!


      The children must be in bits, mentally and physically you have no idea at the moment how well cared for they are….no normal mother would ever put their children through what you have just described to us!

      I am sorry to say this Raan but you need to get there, I thought this when you posted your last email she kept asking “WHEN ARE YOU COMING” she will never ask straight out, MONEY YES, but people NO…..my ex would say when he needed me ” I wont beg” I never wanted him too, I would be there in 10 minutes but in his mind he was BEGGING!!

      Please think about it Raan….I will be in touch!

  179. michelle October 22, 2010 at 11:56 am #

    omg yep i agree with whoever said do we get their traits, i have found someone and i am treating him much as i was treated by my bp. omg, i am so scared of getting hurt that i dread when he rings or even texting him back so i just dont and he keeps asking me what the matter is, i have said that i am scared but i know he just doesnt understand. i feel i am turning bp myself, all the i love you’s are now making me run………… and as fast as i can. and as much as i like him and we get on really well i am so terified of him coming close its unreal. what do you do???? omg xxxx

  180. michelle October 22, 2010 at 12:01 pm #

    poor raan they walk all over us dont they and have a way of even making thigs that are their fault our fault – grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr xxx

  181. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 12:08 pm #

    Michelle it was yours truly me πŸ™‚ I have to tell myself I am just going out for a ride just to get myself out of the house. Found myself thinking that I’ll get myself into a place I don’t want to be hurt. But hey I don’t want to be alone either so up and out I go drifting around until I find a place to go. I also don’t hang out much with the people I know choosing instead to be by myself or with strangers. I am fighting the feeling that I am becoming anti social and retracting from people. Now its up to faith I guess. Have you tryed talking with this guy and explain to him your fears? Maybe you should before you ruin something that may be a good thing.

  182. michelle October 22, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    yeah i feel like i am becoming anti social too, and i am really, i absolutely hate going out now and i used to love it. i dont know what to say to him now if i ring him or text as its been 4 days now since i text him and he replied and i just didnt text bcak as i had a panic about him getting too close as last week when he rang he said i need to talk to him about stuff and i really couldnt, and i am also scared of him thinking i am stupid, afterall everyone wants to be loved dont they and i know he just doesnt understand, he tries but doesnt know what i have been through or still going through as the bp still wont leave me alone with constant calls and texts right now. i dont want him to think i am soft and havent really been tormented for years, i dont think anyone who has never been through it will ever understand. we all know too well though dont we??? i am at a los as to what to do now . xxxxx

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

      What do you want Michelle?

      Do you feel it is to soon for anything serious?
      Do you like this man enough to have a relationship with him?
      Are you just using him to try to bring normality back in to your life?
      Are you just lonely?
      Do you want the Ex BP back?

      These are a few of the questions you must ask yourself and NO he wont understand everything you have gone through but he wont understand anything if you dont start by telling him some of how you feel.
      He obviously cares enough for you to ask you to talk to him about stuff, he wouldnt be asking if he wasnt bothered?
      I too have mentioned in this string I am scared of texting first in case he thinks I am chasing him, Lost tells me men love receiving texts first….

      I am also scared of being hurt again but the way I figure it is nothing is ever going to hurt as much as this has so what do I have to lose…

      …but you have to work out how you feel first, dont lead him on, he sounds like he cares for you, dont use him for normality, until you work out whether you are moving on from BP, you will stay on the roller-coaster!!

      Love and hugs
      Wishing x

      • michelle October 22, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

        Thankyou wishing,
        Firstly no i definately do not want the BP back. Not in am million years, i have been through too much trauma to ever want to go back there again. Maybe it was too soon for anything serious but like robert said do i want to be on my own forever?? erm NO. yes i like him enough to have a relationship with him and it is long distance i might add and it isnt like i see him lots. No i am not lonely anymore, i spent this whole year learning to be by myself more and more, now i am the opposite, i very rarely go out etc. wish i could sometimes, i have lots of friends who literally have to force me to go out now. Feel like this is the most normal my life has ever been really so its not that wishing, all i know is that its not just scared, its TERRIFIED!!! i do know that i am being unfair but the anxiety that i feel is overwhelming, do people expect things from me – its the obligation expectation thing. and will i hurt him eventually from me running away, which i would never want to do! i am scared of him loving me as now we will all associate love with being hurt if we never did before? !! ??? i have told him how i feel all he knows is that i am scared, but of waht he doesnt know, but do i??? he is a very nice person and i am really not used to them. i am used to people calling me names abusing me and not having a loving bone in their body really. Oh wishing i jumped off the bp roller coaster a while back, the only thing is he will not leave me alone and i get constant texts, if i dont see him he will come see me soon, and asking my son to ring him, telling me he loves me blah blah blah. its all too much when your phone is constant, i’d quite happily never have to use a phone ever again!!!!! as now as soon as i hear it ring i cringe and jump out my skin – i hate it!!!! i soooo hate it. thanks wishing xxxxx

        • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

          Michelle, the first thing I would do if you are serious about disconnecting him from your life is to either change the phone or change the number…..he will wear you down, I know I have been worn down so many times!

          Secondly this sounds a lovely man, I would go with it, but I think he will have to have some info….I know this is the scary thing, I had those very thoughts myself today, what do I say to a new partner ( hopefully the man I have recently met) without sounding like a bunny boiler myself?

          And the third scary thing is getting close, really close to the new man isnt it?
          I know I have had these thoughts too, its like I said to Robert we have experienced intense love and we will want that again but we will not want all the other crap that goes with it?
          That is what is scary…..will we believe what we are told next time, all those lies we had, will we hear “I love you” to wonder when “I hate you is coming” there are a million memories but we have to remember these new men are not our old men, they will not do and think the same….. and we too have to do exactly that?

          Take it slowly he will understand if he cares!

          …..and my new man is in the next county….over an hours drive away, perhaps its meant to be for now, give us that little space we may need sometimes? xxx

  183. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 1:05 pm #

    Raan go and get your kids before she does something to them. It happens just get the kids all of them now!!

  184. michelle October 22, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    Raan, yes it is manipulation and all to make you out to be the bad guy as she knows how bad she is deep down i think. i too have used the same manipulation techniques, this sounds borderline PD too which i know a lot about. Document and record everthing, keep a journal of all calls etc as you may need them, she may think she is clever but trust me, when her house of cards falls she isnt. i agree with lost get the kids out of her way, i dont know how it all works over there but when social services come calling you will need all the help you can get ie- freinds hearing conversations etc. i wish you well and good luck, she seems mad as hell. xxxx

  185. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 1:32 pm #

    They said the woman who drowned her kids in the minivan in the lake a few years back because she wanted to be with her bf was bipolar. I would not wast one minutes time. Go get the kids and sort out the bull shit later.

  186. Raan October 22, 2010 at 1:43 pm #

    talked to terri today…sweet as could be she is….wow.

    she is asking me to take the boys and keep them for the weekend..offered sex (will come down for the next weekend and she said she’ll give me some if I take the boys.


    I said “don’t you have a boyfriend and are you going to tell him?” She said no. he saw me kissing her when I dropped off sophie, then she said he heard about it…yeah…he WAS in the trailer that day when I dropped off sophie -that’s why she didn’t let me in that day.

    She is bartering with sex to take the kids…unreal.

    She wants ALL of us to go trick or treating…the 17 year old too. That’s going to be very uncomfortable. I asked, why does he have to come along? She said that he is in the boys lives too now, and the oldest boy wants all of us to go…..amazing.

    I take it she needs a break. I take it she is prostituting herself out to have one. She’s willing to cheat on this boy for me….did she do this to me when we were together????

    She told me that she loved me a few times today as well…wants me to buy halloween costumes….

    I feel like she is using ANY angle to get what she wants….

    I am LIVID. She seemed like the old Terri in PART today….but crazy too. I don’t understand this woman at all.

    Does this seem completely nuts to you folks as well?

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 2:14 pm #


      FORGET the 17 year old, FORGET the sex, FORGET the I LOVE YOU’s

      GET the kids!

  187. michelle October 22, 2010 at 1:56 pm #

    OMG raan, dont fall for it!! do not have sex with her! no matter what! and yes it IS nuts!!!!! ignore it! all the manipulation – IGNORE it!! and jeez robert that is scary, and yes what about the man who killed a woman he knew cos he thougth it was his wife, and we think all these things would never happen to us but what the hell do we know – i know for a certain fact that the bp i was with thought i was someone else while i was there, yes definately scary!!!!!!!!!!!! Raan dont bargain with her, not ever! XXX

  188. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    No its not normal its called desperate! Why question everything she says? You show up get your kids bring them back for trick or treats this kid already got pissed seeing you kiss her? You think he’s going to be your buddy and come trick or treat with you? Lmfao. He will be gone off to find another girl his own age. He hid in the trailer when you were there? Haha that’s even better. Not only is he a little boy he is a scared little boy! Go get your kids and tell your girl to pack up her shit.

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 2:09 pm #

      Raan you are not listening…..Robert is talking sense, you must get those kids, forget all this other crap, forget what she is saying today, they change within minutes, the only thing you as the sane person here must do is look after those children…..

  189. Raan October 22, 2010 at 2:06 pm #

    I am so numb, confused, disconnected, hurt….

    I don’t know what to think, make of all of this….


    what the F**k is going on with this woman I love???

  190. Raan October 22, 2010 at 2:10 pm #

    Go get your kids and tell your girl to pack up her shit.???

    what girl?? you mean ask terri to come home?

    She said today that we MAY get back together in the future, but not right now…she wants to see if she can make it on her own….

    IS THIS WOMAN DESPERATE and that’s all? well, not ALL…but what is she up to?

  191. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 2:13 pm #

    Hell I may be shallow but I’m not stupid. I’d have sex with her and shed be screaming my name the trailer would be rock n rollin and I’d make sure the whole fucking trailer park and atleast the first 3/4 of that hick town ghetto heard it. If the trailers rockin don’t bother knockin. πŸ™‚ a few hickys on her in various places should help things along nice too! I’d be in like flynn baby πŸ™‚ can I be shallow rude crude and obnoxious? Yes sir.. Would I leave her feeling the best thing she’s ever had is leaving? Hells yes! Go there lay some pipe get the kids tap tap it again and leave. Come back on haloween and knock her boots again. Go for it and do it right.

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm #

      WOW….Thats a little bit of trivial information we now know as a group of people….

      Feeling better Robert……lol πŸ˜‰


  192. Raan October 22, 2010 at 2:14 pm #

    I am working on getting the kids…really hard…it takes money…I don’t have any at the moment, but am working on it as fast as I can. She asked me to take them this weekend….no way can I pull this off…I told her I would do my best to take them all the next weekend.

    I AM listening to what you folks are saying and doing everything I can….I understand.

    Is she likely to switch again in the next call? likely….

    Is this 17 year old going to really come trick or treating too?

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 2:20 pm #

      NO…. Raan he is not coming trick or treating because you will have the kids back with you by then, beg steal or borrow the money and get there now!

      The only thing that worries me about the trick or treating is…….


  193. michelle October 22, 2010 at 2:18 pm #

    Raan i agree with wishing every step of the way – get the kids – you will manage – we always do!!! pmsl robert lol, No raan dont do the sex and dont beleive the i love you’s!!!!! get the kids xxxxxxx

  194. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 2:19 pm #

    Is he coming trick or treats with you? You want me to come bitch slap you? Lmfao. Raan you are killing me. Your really killing me…

  195. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 2:24 pm #

    I’d take that boy trick or treats but his momma will be dregding the lake for his ass after I leave πŸ˜‰

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 2:45 pm #

      Lost, he is a kid….

      Do you think he has a clue what is going on here….Raan is a grown man and he doesnt have a clue what is happening?

      He is a 17 year old kid, who needs to be out of this situation as well…..he needs to be back with his momma?

  196. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 3:02 pm #

    I know he’s just a baby lol I am just kinda nuts today. I don’t know why and I really don’t care I am going to tear someones town apart this wkend. My dates not until tomorrow so whats this poor boy do? If raan wasn’t in bum fuck goergia I’d come there and take him up to ghetto town cover his back.throw him his old lady and the kids all in the car. Leave that place in flames lol.

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 3:11 pm #

      I know…. and I think I have got to know how you react now….
      ….you are a typical ALPHA…. get in there, sort it out, nothing bothers me….MALE?

      ….BUT under all this….you are a kind, soft, caring man, who has been hurt….. BUT just dont let my men friends know….hey?

      That was a lovely thought…. of helping Raan! πŸ˜‰

  197. michelle October 22, 2010 at 3:10 pm #

    OMG robert you dont seem yourself are you ok lol xxx

  198. michelle October 22, 2010 at 3:16 pm #

    omg robert i agree, i feell i have adopted traits, what the hell do i want those for???????? fgs?? helllp……….. we would never want to be like that so whts hapenning????? xxxxxxx

  199. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 3:46 pm #

    Its self hatred. Fear and regret.self loathing. Anger. Hatred demoralized And self righteousness all twisted into a giant heap of shit. I want to be loved under my conditions without reprisal or lies I want to be wanted not needed and I need this all to happen yesterday.

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

      Well I dont feel any of that….

      I dont feel “self hatred”, I feel proud I tried to help him!
      No “regrets”…just glad I knew him!
      “Self loathing”…why, what have you done?
      Regret, no never regrets, loving someone should never be regretted?

      “Anger”, yes, maybe, but not at him, at this awful illness!
      Fear…for the future, maybe?

      Wanting to be loved……you can only be loved when you love yourself….and to love yourself you need to be rid of the hate!!

  200. michelle October 22, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

    yes the feeling of being wanted and needed are two different things, when you feel somone had expectations of you – you go to pot, we just want to be loved for who we are, and how can we be when we build walls so high no one can get in, hey they really made a mess of us and yeah its upto us to get out of it but how the hell do you do that?? yeah anger self hatred and loathing and terrible FEAR – fear of being loved fear of not being loved – fear of being humiliated for the last time????? fear of rejection and now fear of even rejecting – when the hell does it all end – they mess our brains up for life i think- after all i must of read every self help book on the planet lol – erm when will it help me??? God and the fear of lies even one tiny petty one??? i wont ever lie. xxxxxxxxxxx

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 4:35 pm #

      Michelle/Robert there are many things that happen in life, I have lost more people and things than I care to remember but we only have one life and as sad and hurtful and destroyed as you feel now the only way out is positive feelings, otherwise it will take you over….

      I have been through more heartache than a whole street full of people….I have had enough problems for a whole Dr Phil show…but you have to see an end to it, because it will bring you down!

      It all boils down to trust, at the moment you are unable to trust and the longer you lock yourself away the harder it becomes to trust anyone again….dont expect the next person to be the love of your life, date them, have fun, learn to laugh without feeling guilt, don’t judge them, learn to trust again and don’t hate….this is an illness!

  201. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 4:24 pm #

    Wish I dug down deep for those answers and you debunked me πŸ™‚ Thank you! I won’t even attempt to argue those points and as a matter of fact I will print it out again on monday and carry with the rest of the post I keep with me for quick refrence. I need someone who is going to tell me look buddy this is the way it is and the way its gonna be. All you got to do is stick around and love me back. Oh and she has to have pretty eyes πŸ™‚

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 4:46 pm #

      Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain but you cant have a rainbow, without a little rain! xx

  202. Raan October 22, 2010 at 4:45 pm #

    Whewwwww. Your peoples comments are appreciated, but some are all over the map! I have taken in all of your suggestions, and they are good. thank you. terri has called a few more times. She sounds better….I know. She can and will shift into another “personality” at any given moment and they cannot be trusted.

    The fact that she lied about not being able to call long distance and can – well, this was just told to me less than 48 hours ago…speaks volumes.

    I don’t know what to make of her “deals” she is proposing, but I am VERY leery and am focused on the kids.

    Did she basically prostitute herself out today if I take the kids??? is she saying to me I’ll give you some if you take this load off and I won’t tell my boy-friend?

    Un frickin’ REAL!

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 4:49 pm #

      Raan you must remember….SEX means very little to a Bipolar….that’s why they are so promiscuous? Sorry! xx

  203. Raan October 22, 2010 at 5:25 pm #

    yeah, we are walked all over by our S/O BP’s. It’s such a shame. I don’t get it why in 4 solid years she has never acted like this whatsoever. I know the January thing was a bit over the top, but this sucker has been going on for 2 and 1/2 months already and she isn’t getting any better or right yet. What’s it going to be? months and months or until she has a melt down in wal-mart or something?

    This illness is a tricky bugger. they seem so normal (at TIMES, not always) sometimes…I’m talking when on a psychotic or manic episode….

    Why didn’t this happen in the early part of the four years? I mean, it’s only been THIS year that this happened…did it progress??? Possibly med induced?

    • Wishing well October 22, 2010 at 5:45 pm #

      I would think so were they changed? Has she always taken meds?
      Its supposed to be an age thing too, I had a Bipolar niece, was fine in her teens and early 20’s got to about 27 and completely lost it, had to change all the meds!

      They can be very normal, when I met my Ex he was completely normal, very intelligent, very down to earth…..he changed about 2/3 months later, sometimes he came back to the person I met and thats the bit that kills you, when you get them back and you know its not for long…..I used to treasure those moments….it was like having someone who had died, come back for a short time!
      I used look into his eyes as he was telling it was all going to be different now, he believed it was, but I knew I would lose him again!
      Its a sad fact Raan and you have to learn how to live with this or you have walk away….

  204. Raan October 22, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    She has always taken her meds. they have changed a lot though, as depression would start to come back and we would change them accordingly. I never saw her “leave” and come back” for a short period of time. She has always been the terri i love and adore…except for a month in January. We took her off of those meds, and she was fine again. THIS thing is new.

  205. lost/and found October 22, 2010 at 10:52 pm #

    Wish I didn’t get to see my girl that much when she would go into her change. She would always run away and do what ever it is they do. But each and everytime she went away it was like my girl had died or was stolen away from me each time she did this I would have a meltdown. The last and worst time was last christmas. I broke down and cryed and whined and it felt like my guts would tear right out of me. I am only 47 and last september had a heart attack. I have two stents in me now and I was always healthy before. The constant heart break is not something I could get used to never knowing if I’d ever see her again and the lonlyness I think it all got to me. Today I was feeling a burst of energy feeling good like I could take on the world. Tonight I am back down again and forcing myself to go out alone.unny thing is I have friends but I avoid them. I sometimes wish I never had met her and even that hurts me to think that way. I try to convince myself that its true they don’t miss us. But I always picture in my mind the good times and I am most haunted by the love I always saw in her eyes when she would stand on her tip toes to kiss me. Omg I sometimes wish I would just die and get it over wuth a stray bullet or maybe my heart will just stop. This is not normal way to be and I know it. I went to a Dr once before and she put me on medication that only put me in a cloud like I was in a fog. How did I allow this to happen this little girl was able to do what not many other are able to do. She brought me to my knees. I cannot wait until daylight comes the night is always the worst for me. Maybe I’ll buy a tanning bed πŸ™‚

    • Wishing well October 23, 2010 at 6:39 am #

      Well isnt that a strange coincidence, we are all the same age?? FATE MAYBE??

      Medication ( for us, not them ) that is a whole new subject but in my opinion its a NO NO…. I want to get through this with “my eyes wide open” and yes, as Robert said the nights are the worst, sometimes the days are the longest but “I am in control” I want to know what’s happening in my life and don’t forget guys I am only 5 weeks into the break up….he may reappear and I want to be 100% “compos mentis” when and if he does?

      Yes, I too have been brought to my knees by him ( no rude jokes guys, please!! lol ) have serious doubts whether I will love this way again but I am not going to let this illness bring two of us down!!

      Those of you that have friends, friends that understand, make the most of them, I have no friends that understand and that’s why talking to all of you is so important, I don’t blame the friends they are nieve as I once was to this illness and even when you spend hours explaining a mental illness people just don’t get it….any mental illness, postnatal depression…shes had a baby, she must be happy? Eating disorders…. what’s wrong with her, who doesn’t want to eat?? BIPOLAR….WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE IN A HAPPY LOVING RELATIONSHIP??

      Raan be careful of the reasons she is giving for her “accident” could be true…but they lie so easily, could be a fight with a young kid, who has had enough??

      Lost…your a strong man I can tell and you are doing your best to get back on the road again, keep going, you are back into dating, go have some fun with other girls, there are nice girls out there, Bittersweet and I are out there, we just want someone to love and care about, you will find someone if you keep looking!

      And Bittersweet, my friend, we know what we are going to do….and you are there, FORGIVENESS is the key YOU HAVE to forgive guys because if you don’t you will never move on?

      Love and hugs
      Wish…. πŸ™‚

  206. Raan October 23, 2010 at 1:38 am #

    Lost/found…i am right there with you 101% on your feelings you last wrote. i feel identically to you. It’s amazing what a small lil BP woman can do to you. I’m 46. I feel like my heart is about to have an attack almost every day.

    Funny about tonight btw, terri called me at 10 to tell me that she told me today she would call me back, and sure enough. She did. She has a black eye, bruises all over and two other minor injuries. She told me she was pushing the oldest boy on the bike and she slipped, went face down into the back of the bike and then face down into the dirt. Said that she can’t open one eye.

    She was nice again tonight. Weird. She said she took some pain pills and will let me know how she is doing, but we’ll have to talk another time.

    From last night to this night…i SWEAR I was dealing with TWO ENTIRELY different people.

  207. bitter sweet October 23, 2010 at 3:44 am #

    hello people
    gee Lost & found its rough your last post man o man that is coming from the depths of your soul . Look I dont know u very well, but I can relate to what u r saying , whatever she did to u , he did to me, I have been thru a lot of stuff in my years , I am the same age as u guys, my BP 49 years , but I havent been to hell & back like this before . I lost 10 kilos in weight , I didnt go on anti depressants even though I was told i would never get through without them . I like u guys have very vivid memories of the good times but u know what U may block the bad ones but u never forget these times u r going thru now ..the emotional pain level is extreme …the way they totally treat u like a stranger , actually they treat a stranger better….they give loyalties to the opposite sex that they hacve onnly just met over u who have supported them & been in a mateship together for supposedly years . I have been thru the death of a spouse & this is up there in pain levels. the absolute abandonement is life shattering & very traumatising
    it can harm u for life .
    u know Raan I take my hat off to you man o man …u r doing brilliant my friend, I only wish i had your insight at the early stage u recognised yours . I did have a glimpse of it after 3 years but I had no idea what I was in for . HEY lets not kid ourselves here these people are seriously unwell , it has taken me a long time to realise they dont think like we do & they suffer a lot of fukedness in their heads . I am just glad its not me ,cause from my side of the fence I find it toughgoing but i couldnt imagine trying to work things out like bipolar depression hits …It must be so confusing for them.
    am not justifying for them just saying they dont think like us , we cant put our expectations onto them , it doesnt work like that
    Forgiveness is the key i reckon…..if u cant give it to them face to face do it in their absence , it really helps not saying it is a cure …but if ya gonna go down u gotta do it in style .
    regrads Bittersweet

  208. lost/and found October 23, 2010 at 6:35 am #

    Yup two entirly diffrent people. The one who didn’t like me I hardly ever met. I wish that I had met her second half more because only getting the good one is killing me. In my mind the good has over taken the bad. I can only think of the good sweet girl that was so in love with me. Maybe if I had been through more of the bad I wouldn’t feel this way? But she would run away during most of those times I guess. And when she would come back I’d be there with open arms. She’s never coming back now and I know it. Today I feel better. Tonight I have a date that I want to make work. I won’t bring up any of these things to her. I just hope it works and I don’t screw it up.

    • Wishing well October 23, 2010 at 6:53 am #

      L/F….I have had virtually the same type of relationship as you had with yours, mine would run also, as soon as he knew the bad was coming he made for the hills. Then the lovely, caring, kind man came back! Yes, I did get the verbal abuse never to my face, as some have had to put up with and they are so strong because getting it by text/email/phone was bad enough!

      In my mind the good always comes out on top too, the bad is FORGIVEN but the situation doesn’t change, I still have to make a new life because as I said in a previous post….THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS??

      …..and I am the fortunate one, I dont have this illness! x

    • Wishing well October 23, 2010 at 6:55 am #

      And good luck for tonight, be happy, be yourself, be a gentleman….you wont screw it up! πŸ˜‰

  209. michelle October 23, 2010 at 9:57 am #

    Yeh good luck robert.
    Raan could be the meds – even prozac sends people loopy!!
    PMSL wishing we all must of been insane cos we all did the same thing over and over and expected different results.
    M xxx

  210. michelle October 23, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    The Borderline/Narcissist Couple.

    By Shari Schreiber, M.A.

    You’ve probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I’ll try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity’s sake, I discuss female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly be reversed, and may include same-sex unions–in fact, the prevalence of borderline pathology could be considered heightened within the gay community.

    Relationship issues are universal–and homosexual men and women struggle with many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have never met a lesbian who didn’t have major issues with her mother–but that’s another article.

    Many people who contact me for help, are already aware of a distinct pattern of attraction in their life. These romantic selections are thrilling at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing–yet these patterns remain intact (despite self-promises to do it differently, “next time”). The only way to explain this odd phenomenon, is to understand the basis for these unwise relational choices, and that’s what this piece attempts to address.

    It’s critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality disordered individuals incurred similar types of wounds to their developing sense of Self, and isn’t it simply natural to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction is a lot like that–it feels as if you’ve found your ‘soul mate.’ There’s a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they’ve played out in different ways for each of you–but the scars from that time remain, unless there’s been some serious core-focused intervention.

    Narcissists are great at fixing, rescuing, teaching and training, but authentic intimacy/closeness is unsustainable and avoided, given their abandonment fears. Caregiver types can be drawn to borderline disordered individuals who match their own attachment issues.

    Do not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful marriage. If they haven’t resolved their respective childhood traumas, they’ll continually trample on each other’s emotional land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining hopelessly enmeshed.

    In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn’t matter how smart or powerful he is, she’ll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist’s grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won’t let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he’ll literally fight to the death to maintain it–never realizing what he’s losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge.

    A Narcissistic perfectionist believes; “If I feel bad in a relationship, it must be my fault.” The Borderline believes; “If I feel bad in a relationship, it has to be your fault.” This sets up an endless cycle, within which the Borderline rages or retreats–and the Narcissist attempts to fix it by cajoling, pursuing, rescuing, etc., to escape his shame of being rejected/abandoned.

    It’s not terribly unusual for two people with borderline traits to engage–and regardless of the psycho-babble you may have read elsewhere, anyone who’s actually done any work with borderlines would know this. Still, this coupling presents a highly combustible mix; their respective pathology draws them to each other–but the mutual harm/damage that’s sustained by both parties in this type of dynamic is considerable. It should also be noted, that a person involved with a Borderline for even a limited time, will be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology, due to proximal exposure. That’s why we call their behaviors, “crazy-making.”


    Core injuries that undermine/derail self-esteem start during infancy, and are reinforced and perpetuated throughout childhood. In the simplest of terms, core disturbance means that the hub of your wheel is broken or damaged in some fashion. When the very center of your being has been compromised, all the spokes that emanate from that point, will be weak and susceptible to breaking under any amount of pressure. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence. It influences self-worth, and determines how we think about and take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.

    The Narcissist usually compensates for core self-worth deficits, with rescuing or fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic or professional over-achievements, charm/charisma, amassing material wealth, etc. The Borderline compensates for core deficits–but does it with her well-worn ability to seduce, for that is the only arena where she feels any true sense of mastery or self-confidence.

    Borderlines grew up watching how their mothers behaved around men. They learned how to be adorable and seductive, to manipulate people into giving them what they wanted or needed. In short, they repeatedly observed these tactics being deployed by a masterful teacher, and adopted them. The son of a Borderline is usually attracted to females who echo the traits he saw in his mother.

    A Borderline mother is often envious of her child’s achievements/successes, and could be flirtatious or seductive with her daughter’s romantic interests. She may have no compunctions whatsoever about stealing boyfriends/lovers from her teenage or adult child. Competition with her offspring might begin very early, and acutely influence/derail the father-daughter bond.

    A variety of betrayals in childhood have deeply fractured a Borderline’s core, and psychic trauma from this period can’t help but seriously impact all adult relationship endeavors. Add to this, the imprint from a narcissistic parent is retained, and may be subconsciously sought after in adult attachments.


    Narcissists have built-in grandiosity. This is a defense against their feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, which triggers their compulsion to rescue, fix, teach and train others. They automatically presume to know what others are thinking and feeling, and can come across as absolute authorities on various topics. A Narcissist loves to tell you what you’re feeling, rather than asking about it, which can be infuriating for anyone. Borderlines have such a fragile sense of Self to begin with, they’ll usually act-out their frustration with the Narcissist’s ‘Mr. Know-it-all’ defenses by retreating or raging. He may regard her as explosive or crazy, but he’s the one who’s unwittingly lit her fuse. His ongoing need to be in the one-up position and exert control, forms the basis of many conflicts and struggles with this couple. The sad reality is, he has observed these traits in his narcissistic parent, and has emulated them.

    A Narcissist lover will more readily trigger his borderline partner’s defensive acting-out behaviors, as his engulfment fears and self-involvement catalyze her abandonment concerns. This is a two-sided coin however, as while she’s yearning for his attention and affection, she experiences painful sensations that were once confused/entwined with loving an unresponsive parent, and those dramatic feelings are resuscitated–and equated with love.

    Both Borderlines and Narcissists associate Love with painful longing. This is the crux of all those come here/go away (push/pull) cycles with this couple, and a whole lotta country western songs! Love equals pain, and vice-versa.

    When their intense craving for love is met, painful sensations they’ve come to interpret as loving feelings, evaporate. At this point, the Borderline feels bored or annoyed, and pushes away. The Narcissist responds to his needs for distance and autonomy, by selecting (unavailable) BPD lovers who won’t trigger his engulfment fears. (With a healthier partner who needs continuity of loving feelings, a Borderline experiences emotional claustrophobia, and is compelled to disrupt any episodes of genuine intimacy between them.)

    When closeness or engulfment fears become heightened, both NPD and BPD partners can experience anxiety, which prompts their need to draw back. The distance between them eases tension, but a narcissistic perfectionist makes it his fault, and experiences shame. This catalyzes his frantic efforts to win-her-over again. It isn’t that he’s needing her–he’s needing reprieve from this toxic sense of unlovability/unworthiness (shameful remnants from boyhood).

    I’m often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving, and this appears to be a very central concern during the course of these relationships–and afterward, when the discarded partner needs to cling to the ideation that they were in fact, truly loved. Borderlines felt pain in relation to longing and striving for their parent’s affection throughout childhood–and learned to interpret these difficult/dramatic feelings as Love. Chasing partners who are emotionally or physically unavailable–or married/attached, keeps this yearning alive, and inhibits them from embracing somebody who’s actually able to provide love on a consistent basis. Narcissists are similarly attracted to someone who’s slightly out of reach, for this eases engulfment concerns (more about this, a bit further down). The search for a partner who’s able to magically surmount this issue can continue for a lifetime–as the “right one” never comes along.

    It’s virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD lover has no real capacity for love, as during the ‘good times,’ he’s felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict–for this challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it’s supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties in childhood strongly influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents, solidified his sense that he was valued by them–but these episodes were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This early pattern has set the stage for his obsessional attraction to a borderline disordered individual, as he can’t painfully yearn for someone who’s consistently present and available! It has also impaired his self-worth.


    A chameleon’s coloring will change according to its surrounding environment; this reptile’s protective camouflage helps it capture its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities are chameleon-like–they’ll quickly discern what’s important to you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship. Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal senses that they’ve captured you, their normal colors return–and you’re dealing with a different sort of creature.

    The molting process of reptiles involves shedding their skin to accommodate growth–it’s like outgrowing a Tee-shirt you wore as a child. Sadly, personal growth is threatening to Borderlines, and underneath their perfectly adoring veneer is the dark side they’ve hidden from you, just long enough to get you hooked. Once you’re really theirs, this part emerges–and you spend the rest of your time in this dance trying to figure it all out, and reconnect with that person you fell for initially.

    I’d watched this happen with a BPD colleague, who married her lover only six months after meeting him. On the eve of their wedding, I’m sure he believed he’d finally found the pot of gold at the end of his rainbow, in this perfectly adoring female. Then it changed, and got pretty ugly. I think she’ll kill him.


    The Borderline’s captivating allure is nearly impossible to ignore–particularly for a man in mid-life. Long term marriages are often destroyed in the midst of affairs with considerably younger women who’ve enlivened the Narcissist’s sense of grandiosity, along with his penis. Erectile dysfunction is generally blamed on the wife of many years–when it’s actually just a symptom of pre-existing intimacy issues, that have reached critical mass. I think of ED more as Emotional Dysfunction, than any problems with male physiology. In most instances, this is a psychic/emotional issue–not a physical one.

    The narcissistic male places himself in a double-bind, when he attributes his organ’s enthusiastic response to the female who’s awakened it from a deep slumber. Initially, some magical thinking presumes that she’s responsible for his newfound sexual prowess–and as such, they’re meant to sail off into the sunset together. Before long though, all this power he assigns to her is a bit intimidating. A Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can’t allow himself to need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone brings up deep fears about loss of love and control, and here’s where his distancing maneuvers can kick in. This is not consciously held by the Narcissist–it’s just an archaic defense mechanism, that helps him maintain his emotional equilibrium.

    A healthy, whole woman might be disappointed to miss out on a phone call from her lover the morning after an especially close/loving evening–but the borderline-disordered female interprets the most subtle signs of neglect, as loss of love and affection. Her abandonment fears are instantly triggered. In self-defense, she shuts down, rages or takes herself away. She has been poised for this to happen anyhow–so she will imagine abandoning behavior, even when/where it doesn’t exist.

    Now, the self-protective defenses begin, as neither partner wants to venture too far out on this limb, for fear of falling from their love nest of infatuation. This mutually held anxiety can inhibit genuine expressions of caring from the Narcissist, while triggering frantic, premature declarations of “love” from the Borderline. Like a small child, her emotional responses are unboundaried and irrepressible. The toxic shame that’s catalyzed when her impulsivity (in love) isn’t reciprocated, is intolerable–so she shames her partner via projections.

    Sex can be the glue holding these two together, while their respective need for autonomy is motivated by fear about getting too close. This ambivalence automatically sets off a series of controlling behaviors within each, for being physically and emotionally naked with someone, means feeling too exposed and vulnerable; “what if he/she sees the real me, and leaves?”

    Hypersexuality in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes that she can control lovers in this way. This facet is magnified when there’s been incest or sexual molestation during her childhood, because she was made to feel ‘special’ by accommodating/catering to an adult’s prurient appetites. Her self-worth is inextricably linked to performance and will continue–especially with rebound (or auxiliary) lovers who are struck by its exciting novelty. This issue was at one time, referred to as Nymphomania.

    Your coupling may be sexually intoxicating–but that’s generally because it isn’t ‘safe’ (or possible) to connect in other domains of this relationship. In short, all that energy gets funneled–and flows wherever and however it can. Even fighting can become a couple’s only means of connecting.


    Narcissistic individuals are frequently People Pleasers, which means they’re passive-aggressive. They’re more comfortable giving rather than receiving in relationships, which is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood, in response to parental neglect. In couplings, the one who needs the least, is always the one in power–and the Borderline’s needs usually far outweigh those of her partner. The Borderline is like a little child when it comes to impulse control and asserting wants/needs, so she’s the active partner in this dynamic. The Narcissist has never really felt worthy of having needs, so he suppresses them; he’s the passive partner. Somebody must be willing to carry the emotions for this relationship, so that typically falls to the active partner–or the Borderline. She’ll keep pushing the envelope until she gets a rise out of her partner. She literally thrives on drama and chaos, but rebels like a three year old when he takes a stand–even though she requires the containment and comfort that boundaries and limits provide.


    A Borderline needs the qualities in you, that are lacking in herself; honesty, dependability, strength of character, etc. She possesses an uncanny ability for finding men who’ve built stable, flourishing lifestyles (whether married or not), but who have insecurities and self-doubts left over from boyhood. The Borderline methodically goes about finding out where your vulnerabilities are buried; when she discovers what’s behind your props, she cleverly uses your weaknesses against you, for her own advancement/gain. Decades ago, these women were referred to as gold-diggers or home-wreckers. The male version was a Gigolo or Casanova who took sexual/emotional advantage of females, and/or robbed them blind.

    When a Borderline encounters a successful, charismatic Narcissist, she sees power in him, and security/comfort for herself. Since she has never really felt protected in her world, this male is perceived as her ticket to safety. He may never have felt especially attractive or worthy of attention from a girl who’s a real ‘traffic stopper’–so he’s flattered out of his pants by the Borderline’s seductive pursuit. His grandiose false-self has craved this type of attention his whole life–even though he’s never felt deserving of it. Thus begins their dance, which replicates an intoxicating pattern that neither can resist.

    Based on a Borderline’s level of emotional desperation, she may not choose men who’ve attained significant acclaim, stability or success. Abandonment fears always influence partner selection, and are key to these attractions. Essentially, the greater your need is for this female (sexually, emotionally, psychologically or financially), the more easily she can keep the upper-hand and control you–and it’s always about control for the Borderline.

    Having been raised by narcissistic people who couldn’t respond to her needs for consistent mirroring and affection, the Borderline feels at home when she locates a partner who initially showers her with adoration–but then retreats, or finds fault with her. Girlhood longing for love was associated with pain, so she’s programmed to keep striving for that which cannot be satisfied. Each disruption of loving attention reactivates her core despair, so she settles for scraps of love, that echo her early conditioning. A lover who’s more available or responsive, doesn’t fit this paradigm–or inspire her passionate response.

    It’s impossible to avoid personalizing the Borderline’s abusive behavior–but her rage isn’t about you. It’s misdirected feelings of disappointment, anger and hurt she’s stored for a lifetime–and couldn’t express to Mom or Dad.


    The narcissistically injured male continually seeks females who can perfectly mirror his attributes and qualities–and whom in some manner, need him. He then gets to assuage his abandonment concerns–but the flip-side of being needed, is being engulfed. The Borderline can initially smother/suffocate her prey with attention that causes him to retreat or distance, because while it’s flattering, and mitigates his abandonment fears–it triggers vaguely familiar sensations of engulfment he had to endure in boyhood, with Mother.

    His constant challenge then, is staying close without being swallowed-up by the Borderline’s needy, clingy, demanding nature. This challenge is lessened of course, by the Borderline’s continuous pattern of seduction and retreat. In this way, the Narcissist’s fear of engulfment/too much closeness, becomes a non-issue. If he were truly emotionally available, he could not tolerate these erratic (come here/go away) patterns–and would seek a female who is more consistently responsive to him and his needs (past the Honeymoon stage).

    If this male’s mother had BPD Waif features, he grew up having to meet her needs for attention, mirroring, flattery, emotional soothing, etc. She could have made him her confidant in adult matters–especially concerning issues with his dad. A little boy is overburdened by these complaints, and doesn’t relish this role–but at the same time, all this special attention from Mother imbues him with a sense of value/importance–which forms the core of his self-worth. Her awareness of his needs is painfully limited, so he welcomes this ‘surrogate husband’ job, which (at least) provides vicarious satisfaction. This sets him up for codependent relationships in his adult world, for being needed was his only way of replenishing any viable self-image, and escaping his shame of disappointing her.

    Codependency and engulfment concerns resulting from this type of dynamic, are then transferred onto all later attachments. There’s an automatic reflex that comes into play with a mother-enmeshed man. Sensations of closeness are entwined with loss of Self. Thus, his inner narrative becomes; “if I get too close to you, I’ll have to relinquish too much of me.” Commitment has gotten confused with engulfment, which means having to give up important needs and freedoms. Hence, profound control issues have evolved, and he’ll only choose females with whom he thinks he can maintain the upper hand. A needy, BPD female perfectly fits this paradigm–at least at the onset. Any man who persistently chooses borderline disordered women, has attachment fears that run as deep as those of the females he’s courting.

    To contemplate leaving a Borderline presents significant inner struggles, for not only is the Narcissist enmeshed, he’s terrified of potential ramifications his departure might catalyze. He’s all too familiar with her acute instability, and frightened that she’ll either bring great harm to herself–or to him. Some men have described suicide and/or murder threats and attempts, trumped-up domestic violence charges, stalking, vandalism to their property, etc., when they’ve tried to flee these tormenting relationships. The tragic reality is, it’s often easier to remain, than to leave–but this can spawn risks to his health, his livelihood, his family ties, and all other associations. Leaving triggers his guilt as well, which is an old remnant from childhood individuation struggles.


    The mother of a Narcissist could make her son feel that he is the center of her universe. He is the Golden Boy who can do no wrong–but only when he’s perfectly responsive to her demands and wishes! A couple of problems arise here; she’s imbedded and fueled his grandiosity–even though he’s unable to discern why he’s so “special,” but has simultaneously implanted self-esteem issues, which surface when he experiences himself as flawed or imperfect. A borderline lover always reconstitutes this early confusion and wounding, with her push-pull emotional gymnastics. Intermittant episodes of adoration and abandonment revive familiar patterns from boyhood, that he has normalized. This keeps him striving for continuity of love/affection that’s unattainable–but uncomfortable/bored with a female who can provide loving constancy.

    The Borderline Waif mother makes certain her son knows that she could not survive without him, and that he is the guardian of (both) her pleasure and pain. These early dynamics set him up for very specific relational patterns in adulthood, which have driven him into the arms of needy/clingy Borderlines. On a subconscious level, his valiant efforts to save her and fortify self-worth (despite all her loving/rejecting behaviors), replicate his boyhood blueprint for attachment.

    If a male was raised by a Queen or Witch-type Borderline, he’ll be drawn to women with similar traits or characteristics, who will retraumatize him. It’s also possible that he might select a female who’s relatively devoid of those features, and with whom he can access more empowerment and autonomy, than he could as a child. These needs can propel him toward someone with waif traits–but even the Waif must exert control over her partners.

    Men raised by borderline disordered mothers frequently adopt and retain BPD features, due to an inability to trust and forge close, intimate bonds during boyhood. This has them persistently choosing relationships with women who are poorly equipped to meet their needs for connection and closeness–and turning away from those who are able to offer genuine love and care. They might fantasize that a female will come along who can magically break down their attachment avoidance–but this fantasy won’t be realized, unless they get solid help. Even then, their defenses can remain deeply entrenched.

    Narcissistic males generally cannot commit to esteem-building work, unless their ‘props’ have vanished–meaning, they have lost their fortunes and good health, after involvement with a Borderline. At this point, their defenses are down, and we have a chance to construct a man from a damaged little boy.

    Solid inner work can invoke feelings of needing the therapist, which instantly produce anxiety. This catalyzes his reflex to sabotage that relationship with ‘tests’ he suspects may result in abandonment. If this occurs, his entrenched belief that anyone who could have value/importance to him will let him down or leave, becomes prophesy fulfillment. Sadly, this reflex keeps real love at bay–and he’ll continue to dabble with Borderlines, who haven’t any capacity to meet his authentic needs.


    A Borderline’s needs were severely neglected in infancy and childhood, which left her with painful self-worth issues. She may have only received praise for her looks, or being the “perfect” little girl, and this became the basis of her self-esteem. Sadly, her mother may have been envious of the attention she got, and jealous of the connection she shared with her father–or any male, for that matter. Thus began a steady erosion of her sense of Self, especially when it threatened the mother’s sense of worth. Borderline mothers usually detest other females. First, they view them as threats–and second, there’s such primal rage left over from infancy (with Mom), this hatred is transferred onto all other women. For the Borderline, even minor disappointments can mean fatal ruptures to solid, nourishing relationships of any type.

    I saw a TV advertisement one day, for a ‘Little Miss Perfect’ beauty pageant. I must tell you, I felt nauseated and heartsick at seeing these little girls in adult costumes and full makeup, and I thought; these are the Borderlines of tomorrow! We’re aghast when one of these children is abducted, raped and killed–but in my view, a society that sanctions these contests is demented.

    The Borderline’s perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures, which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she views her physical being–and she believes that if she fixes all her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable. She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings, jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful procedures, which is part of their appeal–very much like self-cutting or burning, distracts from emotional anguish.

    Extreme, unresolved rage issues toward Mother, can catalyze a Borderline’s detachment from any/all aspects of femininity within the Self, and spawn bi-or homosexuality, transvestism or transgenderism and sexual reassignment surgeries. She may continue searching for an external solution to her despair and dissatisfaction–but happiness is an inside job. With each attachment to a new female, her hope for healing the mother-wound is revived. Sadly, few partners are equipped to provide this soothing, and a Borderline will usually triangulate relationships with partners who are–for an available/responsive lover doesn’t trigger painful sensations associated with longing and yearning for love that’s unrequited.

    The Borderline continuously searches for affection, acceptance and approval, due to extreme deficits in childhood. Her needs for closeness and emotional safety overwhelm her–but while she might seek these elements in a male, she’s really looking to mend her primal wounds from infancy. These profound needs are displaced onto romantic partners–but as she begins to feel that they can actually be responded to, deeply entrenched abandonment terror is invoked. This reaction is automatic and reflexive–and so is her retreat.


    To their partner, the Borderline’s behaviors seem counterintuitive, and I get questions about this all the time; “If they’re so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?” Here’s my analogy: If you’ve chosen never to go through a divorce, ’cause you’ve seen the destruction it’s wreaked in other’s lives–wouldn’t you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified of abandonment. He/she doesn’t allow themselves to attach, for fear of the annihilating pain that might follow, if they do! You will not change this.

    The Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well enough–but she’ll push you away, the minute that you do. Quite literally, you’re damned when you adore the Borderline, and damned when you don’t! This is totally confounding, and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which cannot be satisfied. This lack of grounding (in love) is highly toxic to you.

    When you’ve grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent’s needs, and backing that up with rescuing/fixing impulses in adulthood, you’re pretty confident you’ll turn this deal around–if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you’ve accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it’s needing to be healed. Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating.

    • Wishing well October 23, 2010 at 3:14 pm #

      OMG…Now I am worried!! πŸ˜‰

      Yes, I have picked out pointers/issues that could be applied to my relationship with my BP BUT I DON’T intend to keep repeating them.
      I think the time I have given to my relationship has been fair! I didnt walk out straight away I gave it a chance and yes, I was also in love by then but as time as gone on I know there is just no hope of a happy ending, if he had agreed to treatment or medication if needed then I may reconsider but he wont even discuss it, so I do not want a repeat of the last 12 months!

      Maybe all of us here have had a troubled past, maybe thats what draws us to a person with Bipolar, maybe thats what drew us to them…..But most of us seem to know whether its after a couple of months or a couple of years or even 10 years + when it is time to get off the roller-coaster?

  211. lost/and found October 23, 2010 at 10:39 am #

    The really sick part about all this. The part that really bothers me the most is that iv been out with lots of other woman and one I almost started to fall for until I realised the sweet things she was telling me the parts about soul mates and best friends and all that did not go along with her actions and I started thinking it was all lies and I broke off with her and my feeling always come back home to my bpgirl. Because at the time she was in love with me I knew she was not lieing the look in her eyes was of pure love like I have never seen or felt in my entire life. Of course it did not last but I know it was there pure and sincer and I felt it through to my soul. I would sell myself to the devil if I could get that back. A friend sent me this today it said:Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one’s who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. Friends are like balloons: once you let them go, you can’t get them back. So I’m gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you. Iv lost and let go with a lot of my friends they still try to contact me and keep in touch through facebook. On my birthday I received atleast a hundred birthday wishes. I think I should start to show my face back around. Maybe what iv been missing has been there all along and iv been avoiding it. Who knows? Todays a new day and another new start and who knows what tomorrow will bring. XxOo

    • Wishing well October 23, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

      I dont think anyone should ever doubt whether it was real love, I think what we felt and what they felt for us was definitely real, as Robert said the look in her eyes was real and I too have seen and felt that his love for me was real too!
      Their ability to cope with the real love is what is the issue!

  212. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 12:31 pm #

    Went and met the girl for the first time I think it was thursday night? Oh shit I don’t even know? things went well I thought 2-1/2 hrs oflight fun talk said she wants to see me again. Friday night she said she’s out with her gfriend. Told her if she gets bored to call me.called me saturday morning if I want to go out. Told u guys I have a second date. Waited until 730pm called her she said she has to pick up her kid at movies can we meet later?I said sure. Received text saying its too late to hang out and would another time be ok? I said yes we can go out next wkend but we can’t cause I have my kids. I just told her that. Now I don’t hear from her. Should I move on? I’m not feeling too happy today I think I got dumped? Any ideas from you ladies?

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

      Hi Lost…..I dont think you have been dumped, I think she may think you have made an excuse about next weekend!

      I would call her back or text and say sorry about next weekend its not an excuse, can we make a date as soon as possible?

      I know what you are feeling, you are anxious, you dont want to seem pushy because you have been pushed away, I feel the same, this morning I spent 4 hours wondering should I text the guy I have been on 2 dates with we text every other day and he called last but I was so nervous in case I got rejected but I did it and I waited a nervous 9 minutes before he responded and every minute I thought he will ignore me ( we are so used to being ignored? ) but he answered and we exchanged several texts, he said he wants to see me again and hopefully we will sort something!

      Try….what do you have to lose? πŸ˜‰

    • josie October 24, 2010 at 1:03 pm #

      Hi Lost and Found,

      You sound like such a wonderful person!

      Call her and confirm a date with her.

      Then, as Raan said, don’t call for a few days… let her crave you…. somehow this works with everyone…. notice how our bp’s not calling us has driven us nuts for them… human nature I guess…

      Good luck with this lady!

      πŸ™‚ Josie

  213. Raan October 24, 2010 at 12:43 pm #

    Give her some time to think about you…call her in a few days

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 12:53 pm #

      Oooh…..look how different men and women think!! lol

      Hows things Raan? x

  214. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 12:57 pm #

    Thanks raan. Two ladies I know told me the same thing. But I feel like if I don’t move fast and keep on top of this she will forget about me. The thought of being forgotten puts me in a bad place. I went to my neighbors house this morning they have pittbull dogs that they fight and I hate it! And I hate them! I told them the next time I hear them beat a dog they will have to deal with me. I through a old dog house over the fence and told them to use it. They may want to come after me now and I don’t give a fuck. Feeling of being forgotten is prob from being abandon by bpgirl. I understand what I’m doing I know its not right but I just don’t care.

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 1:33 pm #

      I have to agree here Lost……I have quite a few men asking me for dates at the moment but if they dont call (like one I have known for 18 months and hasnt called for 2 weeks) I tend to do what a Bipolar does…..put them to the bottom of the pack!!

  215. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 1:25 pm #

    Recived a text just now. Tomorrow night she wants to see me πŸ™‚ and I almost got myself killed for nothing lol. Ohh well its not all for nothing atleast I don’t think they will touch that poor dog again πŸ™‚ screw them cruel idiots.

  216. michelle October 24, 2010 at 1:32 pm #

    ha yeah wishing too true and also see how we jump to conclusions too without anything being wrong lol, pmsl robert, so you feel better now?? yeah maybe they’ll use the house for the dog now!! xx

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 1:39 pm #

      I was reading an article yesterday ladies, about whether you should text a guy…it said NO, DONT LET THEM THINK YOU ARE KEEN?
      Then I read another article asking guys what they thought there were 5 answers and every guy said “I love it when a lady texts me, shows she likes me, makes it easier to ask her out!”

      So Guys, should we call you, or should we let you do the chasing?

  217. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

    All the woman I date like my assertiveness. But when I ask the woman friends of mine what to do they tell me back off. So again I didn’t listen to them and texted her that since I’m the man πŸ™‚ and I’m not going to disappear *poof* then I need to know if your gonna go *poof* and be gone? She said she’s not going anywhere πŸ™‚ asked if monday or wensday is good and I told her monday is best πŸ™‚ ladies you need to text call fire a flare gun or use homing pigeons. Anything to make us know you care. Once we know you care we can open up to show you how much we love you guys. I truly admire and love woman. I’m a give my heart away type of guy. I’d take a bullet for you without a second thought. I respect the hell out of a woman who can show me she cares πŸ™‚

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 2:16 pm #

      LOVE IT….simply love it!!

      I think its an age thing personally, yes in your 20’s maybe men need more freedom to look around, sow oats, whatever but I think at this age men are looking for what we are, loyalty, caring, loving and TRUST….something we are all a bit short of on this site!

      I text him he seemed pleased, he answered, in fact he kept answering I was the one who left the text convo after 5/6 texts and hopefully I will have a date too!

      Have heard that before Robert about men not opening up until they are sure a woman cares…I think you should do what your heart is telling you?

  218. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 2:14 pm #

    I have never beat my kids my dogs or my woman and I never will. And if you send us a simple text like the one I got today it makes a world of difference and we will chase you anywhere you go. Around the kitchen table into the living room and up the stairs πŸ™‚ and if you let us catch you once in awhile we will love the hell out of you πŸ™‚ XxOo

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 2:19 pm #

      …..and that’s all we want……LOVE! πŸ˜‰

  219. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 2:33 pm #

    I went from feeling down and out this morning to feeling at the top of the world now. All because one simple little text saying she’s not going anywhere πŸ™‚ my feelings go to exstrems and I know it. But I will follow my feelings wish just like you said. And I always love all the people on this string. You are my friends and I mean that in the most sincer and honest way a person can. Trust/wish/michelle/bitterbabe/little quiet josie πŸ™‚ and yes even you raan and your a guy eww lol. I tty all later and wish pander would come back to this string too! Anyone I may have left out please don’t feel bad I love you too!

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 3:24 pm #

      I think that’s a trait that has been passed on to us Robert, when someone of the opposite sex now says something nice to me, I feel wonderful…..I think its years of not so nice things being said?
      You are going to have to follow your feelings and instincts as you get back into the dating game, the trust will come!

      Your lovely…and been a lot of help to us all! πŸ™‚

  220. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 4:03 pm #

    Awww wish you should know better then to say that to the mentally unstable πŸ™‚ I’m in such a good mood I may try swimming across this duck pond divide and give you a big giant hug πŸ™‚ woudnt that be something lol.

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm #

      That certainly would and if there’s a wedding, I shall expect an invite! πŸ˜‰
      I have been across the pond a few times, I have an American brother but he’s in Florida!

      Well I have a date too, Wednesday, just fixed it up, so went with my feelings and instinct…..just got to lose 5lb’s by Wednesday now…lol πŸ™‚

  221. michelle October 24, 2010 at 5:03 pm #

    Ha ha wishing – good luck for your date on wednesday – your you and a wonderful you at that, so no need to even think about losing the five pounds. hey wishing i have got an american(half) sister and she lives in florida too, how weird! these little concidences that pop up on here every now and again are so funny. yes robert, panda been gone a while now, no internet at work and no computer at home, maybe they’ll come back one day, who knows. M xxxx

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 6:12 pm #

      Thank you Michelle, you just look at yourself critically after what we have been through even though my BPx would always tell me ” its not your fault, its mine, you are never to blame” but you feel like you did something wrong?

      Stupid I know but after he left I couldnt stop thinking, was I too fat, was I boring, was I useless in bed, I suppose I am looking for someone and maybe thats why I am dating to make me feel good again!

      And Robert maybe you did, he told me I had really fu–ed up his head, if I didnt mean anything, would that have happened??

  222. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 5:38 pm #

    In responce to Theodora

    Be jebbus what the hell are you thinking? Of course we got feelings. More feeling then Helen Keller πŸ˜‰ when we love we love hard and if loveing someone with bipolar hurts I must have damn near killed her…

  223. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 6:31 pm #

    Wishing I’m sure with a prize as sweet as you your new man has already realised he’s got the totle package and that’s five pounds more of you to love. But if it makes you feel good then doit πŸ™‚ and as far as loving them to death goes I’m not sure I’m buying into that. Yes I may have started it but she was the one forcing it further and further with talks of marriage and telling me how special and I’m all she ever needs ect. She dumped me and I waited four months for her to come back before I gave up to the point I am at now. All she had to do was hang on for the ride and I never would have left her. If she don’t miss me or the love we shared and she has no problem jumping in bed with someone else then god bless her little heart cause I know its been hell to pay for me.

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 6:57 pm #

      Ha ha Robert thats lovely thank you….think I would like to do it but WEDNESDAYS pushing a bit!!
      Actual I am only a British size 12 (think that’s the American equivalent of a…size 8)

      Have you only been split from her for 4 months, I had imagined longer? Did you call her since she went, did you tried to get her back, what were her reasons for going, was it someone else?

  224. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 7:11 pm #

    Nope split up last february after I drove to her in a blizzard to shovel her snow. She told me I showed up unannounced and I freaked her kids out. I tried to keep communication open for four months I tried and that’s when she told me she has moved on and that I also need to move on. And told me not to write to her anymore and that hurt so bad I told her I’d do it for her cause I truly love her so I let my pretty little girl go. And you guys know the rest. Wishingwell your just a tiny little thing better keep the extra five pounds in case it gets windy this winter. Either that or tie a cinder block to you so you don’t blow away πŸ˜‰

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

      Its funny you should say that, he used to say how did how did a tiny little girl have such a tight grip….didnt stop him getting away though!

      Thats what worries me in the back of my mind, I know its over and I want to move on but I have been here so many times!
      He has never said its over before though, I am the one who has always said that but its never been really over I always kept communication going, now I am not keeping it going and that’s scary.
      I am wondering if my subconscious (do I think he will be back again) is stopping me from really grieving for what has gone because apart from a few tears everyday I am coping well?

  225. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 7:40 pm #

    As far as sex goes don’t ever blame yourself. Wishing I think said sex means nothing to them? I think the oppiset I think sex meant everything to her I gave her intence hot sex (her words not mine) we have nothing in common except hot sex and that’s the way I like it. Also her words. I asked are you going to dump me? She said no! I was dumped only a few days later. Tired of always ducking it I gave up and let myself get cought. Then I regretted it a short time later after I rested. To run from love? Into another mans arms even after a few months leaves me speechless. Wish best of luck on your date. Feel the excitment of starting new. Michelle you too babe relax and let it in. You don’t have to work so hard when its true iv heard. I say my prayers everynight everyone included.I want all of us to move into a better place including the ones who brought us here. The anger I sometimes have is not for her its for me and that horrible personality flaw.

    • Wishing well October 24, 2010 at 7:55 pm #

      I dont think I meant sex means nothing to them, I think what I meant was the person they are having sex with at the time means nothing ( as in the F–k Buddy, mine had! )
      He used to say the sex was good, very good. He used to say he was very sexual. I used to sometimes think and tell him I was worried that was all he seemed to want but he would say ” its my way of expressing love?”
      I have since read that this is Mens way of showing love, so now I am confused as to whether that was a Bipolar trait?

  226. Mark October 24, 2010 at 7:49 pm #

    Ok folks, let’s review. We got a group of seemingly educated very nice people who seem to be missing their own apples from the tree, due to either low self esteem, self worth or a host of other personality traits. The BP partners we have chosen to spend time with either are making us feel like we are in heaven or have grabbed their hats and left us with a return date only they control. We go from being the saint to the villain depending on the wind direction and should our partners want to fly a kite with us they have to hold the string.

    what’s wrong with this picture? We need to meet some new and normal people. If you’ve spawned like I have, the exits from these relationships are often not that easy to see, but the choices we have are ours to make.

    Many of the actors are different but the movie for all of us has the same storyline. One of the biggest wake up calls in all this turmoil was that I had to look at who and what type of person I was and that was no fun for awhile. Especially when being in these relationships was the answer for who I was. That was a slap in the face.

    We cannot change people no matter how hard we try. They have to do that for themselves. IN the meantime, we gotta learn to take care of ourselves first (selfish, maybe)but healthy.

    • bittersweet October 24, 2010 at 8:56 pm #

      mark thankyou so correct my friend
      all u guys my girlfriend rang me she has been with her BP for 10 years
      I told her I had not seen or heard for 1 year , she was not surprised , she laughed & said YES that is the way they play ..they are most stubborn , will try to break u with games & if that does not work they will use silence & no contact. they then have their cake & eat it too
      put u on the pause button while they play around then if u come back to them they will play the new game with u until they get bored from that then they play the ” am not in love with you line ”
      she is a nurse & her BP is constantly medicated , but even so he is loyal to her but has other bad traits that I couldnt handle myself.
      I think mark is right MOVE on
      over & out from Bittersweet

  227. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 8:56 pm #

    Mark your absolutly right we got to keep moving on. Not just partner to partner like they do just move in our own direction for me its to find true love in one person I want to share it with. I think that holds true for all of us. Wishing my x-wife used to get pissed off at me for telling her I love her during sex uhh duh that’s why they call it making love lol and that’s part of the reason she’s my xwife and not my wife πŸ˜‰ also you dated a guy bp and I dated a girl bp and we both had the same results. Now if having a hypor sex drive while being in totle love with someone is a bipolar trait? We are all in big trouble πŸ™‚ I would discount that area lol. Yes sex maybe good for them but if they found a partner who can not only keep up with them but leave them a crumpled up mess past out on the bed. Then why would they move on? I mean are they stupid sometimes? Are we all just fuc* buddies? Who knows and tonight for me who cares lol. There loss. So smart they let the best thing they ever had go. Fly a kite and let them hold the string lmfao be jebbus πŸ™‚ I’m going out tomorrow night and I’m just going to be me. I hope it goes smooth. Cause I’m not ready to kill myself just yet lol. Its a good night. I hope for more of them.

  228. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 9:10 pm #

    Bitterbabe chimes in time to shap up or ship the hell out! Over and out lol. Omg where is michelle tonight? I have to admit I enjoy chatting with all of you.do these fools know what damn fools they are? Always such smart asses and they blew it with people like you guys? How freaking dumb is that? Wow its there loss too. Part of what’s making me feel better is knowing what great people you guys are and going through the same as me. Maybe we or me aren’t so bad after all?

    • michelle October 25, 2010 at 10:05 am #

      haha yeah very very dumb of them!! yeah just be you and all will be fine i’m sure of it xxx

  229. Mark October 24, 2010 at 9:20 pm #

    They’re ill. That’s one of the sad parts about these stories. But one of the real kickers is….. we too got some issues. I for one relate to that Narcissitic post someone put out; and codependency issues, yea thats me. So, the suites got some holes that need patched. But I’m working on em, I’m working on em.

    • bittersweet October 24, 2010 at 9:29 pm #

      Hey robert & mark
      there is an expert on every corner ”
      but not me , my insecurities caused all my problems
      I thought he would not leave me for someone new because we had something special ( wrong ) nothing is special to them ..except themselves . my friend says they are not capable , but they are capable of running, playing new games & having fun with other NEW fuking people
      I just dont GET it ..never will
      am trying to bow out gracefully but underneath am so rejected I want break something aaaggghhhh
      from bitterbabe

      • Mark October 24, 2010 at 9:44 pm #

        The others are just pawns, BOREDOM, has a strange way of rearing its head. After all, the thread is title “do bpers have FEELINGS

    • michelle October 25, 2010 at 10:16 am #

      Mark, i agree yeah we got some issues too, and we probably wouldnt of had a good look at those issues unless these people had been in our lives, i’m not sure i would of anyway! i posted the borderline/narcissist post, i got borderline traits (not all of them i might add) and have read all of tammi greens stuff, bought her books etc and AJ Mahari, you can google her or even watch her on you tube – Highly recommended!!!! yeah the codependency issues too, spent years figuring all that out lol. book upon book from the library!! so i also am working on them too – not easy is it, but we’ll get there eventually! said it before and i’ll say it again, look at steve and kim coopers website called narcissim cured bought her book too, she is really really good!! got loads of books i could recommend lol xxxxxx

  230. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 9:45 pm #

    Bitterbabydoll. Don’t break anything you will have to clean it up!..you break something good your going to feel really bad πŸ™‚

    • bittersweet October 24, 2010 at 10:10 pm #

      Thanks guys
      will break a leg as they say ‘ know who’s bloody leg id like to break . treats the one who stood by him like something on his shoe & the pawns get the maximum benefit of the manic good time ..sheeeez is there any bloody conscience at all cause know there aint no love left.
      today I want to screach from the highest building what a bloody Idiot I am/was to actually believe what he said & cop his crap for 12 years.
      Gotta say in the end I gave as good as I got , he must have liked that cause he played the game sooooooo well.
      dont think I will be moving back up the deck of cards…
      somehow .. its been 1 year now LOL
      from Bittersweet / babe/ heartbroken πŸ™‚

  231. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

    So we will never really know where we stood with them? Were we the pawns? In a bigger playing field? Sometimes now that I think about it I would see the headlights of cars on more then one night come down her street and turn around before getting to her house. Were these x-lovers also looking for the love of there life seeing if she’s home but seeing my bike or car outside and leaving? She used to tell me her x husband was controlling? Maybe to her controlling is keeping her home and on meds? Time to stop thinking why they do what they do and try to put the apples back on our own trees? Where is michelle with her self help arsenal? That girl is a walking encyclopedia of knowledge.she’s awesome..

    • michelle October 25, 2010 at 10:19 am #

      hahaha thank you lost…… big hugs to all xxxx

  232. Raan October 24, 2010 at 10:34 pm #

    I have been told by terri that I was controlling, and in particular- about taking meds on time. I guess having a stupid naive 17 year old makes it easy to do whatever the F**k you like. The hell with doing the responsible thing….

    I never had problems with my BP love…until this year. You folks talk about this “move on and the hell with us” thing that repeats with BP’s…is this what I am to expect from here on???

    I think that she fits right in there with all of the rest of the BP’s on here NOW…is it simply an episode??? Does anyone think that she will eventually come back to her old self and want to come back to me and STAY???? That is, IF she gets triggered into another psychotic episode. The trick is to de-stress them as much as possible? keeps them on the sane and level more so? What about MY sanity? Sheesh!!!

    I have been doing okay…but still very depressed. I don’t want to work, or go anywhere.

    I have asked out 8 or so women and have been on two dates in the last month. NOT ONE wants to go out with me and the two that did…never heard from them again…

    I have NEVER had this problem before…is somethingwrong with me now? Am I getting too old and looking burned out???

    I do have to admit…being with a 24 year old for the last 4 years, well….I am not too attracted to women my own age anymore…perhaps that’s part of the problem???

    I feel very rejected from my LOVER, but also anyone that I ask out…what the F**k???

    cya good folks…I think I am going to call Terri right now and see how her black eye is doing …maybe.

  233. Raan October 24, 2010 at 10:55 pm #

    Well, I did not call..wanted to. maybe tomorrow?

    I miss her and our kids so badly.

    • bittersweet October 24, 2010 at 11:05 pm #

      do what u think is best , but just dont let her take u under & break u again
      I know how hard it can be …& the kids OMG those poor bloody kids
      U r the only stable thing in their life , this is truly a tragic time for you
      am sorry
      regards from Bittersweet

  234. lost/and found October 24, 2010 at 11:19 pm #

    Raan raan raan. What am I going to do with you?
    You didn’t cause this. Bipolar is a defect in the way the brain fires to the frontal cortex or some shit like that. Its a mixture of many things including personality disorders. Its a terrible thing that does not go away but can be treated. Only most refuse treatment for various reasons of there own. There is an un ending amount of things to be learned and trouble to be had. All I can say is my xbpgf was married twice and has two kids from the first husband. I can only tell you how things work for him. He’s remarried and has kids with his new wife and he sees his kids ever week. If she comes back you will need to talk to her about getting some sort of treatment maybe cognetive treatment is needed? Yes being with a 24 yr old in bed may be fun but eventually you will have to talk to her lol. I dated a 22yr old a few yrs back and let me tell you I took her out twice and couldn’t take it anymore. The second date I brought her home at 930pm and she still didn’t get it lol. Nothing in common between us not even the same music. And man was she dumb. Nothing beats a beautiful smart sexy loving careing older woman between 38 and 50 πŸ˜‰ I would never even think of going with a girl under 36 or so. Ten yrs in either direction is good. Everytime I got dumped I try to make myself better. Work out quit smoking buy a motorcycle and get a tattoo or two πŸ™‚ piss on me and I’m gonna try and make sure the next time she sees me I’ll looking good πŸ™‚ sure I have my breakdowns. But if it don’t kill ya itl make you stronger. Take care of yourself. Terry sees you looking good and sporting a new WOMAN on your arm and she will be eating shit. Oh do not tell your dates anything about what your going through. Its a big turn off for them to see there date upset over another girl. Just tell em things didn’t work out. And its not lieing either.

  235. Raan October 24, 2010 at 11:52 pm #

    terri’s good friend nearby here just wrote me on facebook because she talked to terri briefly and wanted me to know what terri told her because she like us together, and wants to give me some insight….

    Her friend Laura wrote me this:
    “all she told me that yall relationship was pretty much dull and she felt it wasn’t getting any better!”

    Amazing…..it’s interesting that she told me and everyone she knew how wonderful I am and how HAPPY she was. It must be SERIOUSLY DULL having NO money NO going out to restaurants 24/7 like we always did, and having NO help from the kids Daddy anymore(me).

    IS terri’s comment a crock of sh*t or is there possibly any truth to it? IF it is how she feels truly…what can I do about it in the long run? have a blast when we get together visiting the kids? Should I talk about it with her? Say things like…IF we ever got back together, I want to do a LOT more FUN things…never a dull moment, etc….


  236. Raan October 25, 2010 at 12:03 am #

    OR< is it just yet another new excuse???

    I have been thinking about this…shoot, we went to amusement parks, the lake all of the time, McDonalds almost 5 days a week to let the kids play, Shopping a lot, Restaurants almost every night, renting DVD's all of the time, playstation games -new ones all of the time, chucky cheeses…shoot- she doesn't do ANY of this stuff anymore…not one bit!

    I took more time off JUST so we could go out and have a good time more often than I want to admit…I gave her all of the love I could give, and it's a LOT…

    HOW can I be regarded as DULL????

    Am I worrying about nothing? Is it at all possible she was bored with me??? I sure had NO indication of it…

    This woman makes NO sense to me whatsoever.

    I know, I know….she's BIPOLAR.

    I'm just wondering deep down if there's anything to this.

    • bittersweet October 25, 2010 at 12:31 am #

      they are users of the highest order, through their illness unfortunately . am most concerned that she will play u again & u will wind up in pain again, because even with good intention on their behalf , they cant help novelty seeking . Its in their DNA. even if she does come back & am hoping she will for you and the kids, would u be able to trust her , ..read Mark’s post above
      Boredom has a way of rearing its ugly head , they say it is dull to justify their own sneakyness. They are liars too maybe not deliberately but they do lie , and u may after this episode ,figure out how to handle her …controlling her with meds & money I think would be the only thing that will work . Then she will use u as the babysitter when she goes into another episode which can have them in bed with jack the ripper & they are too stupid to see it..
      If u can handle all the stuff they keep throwing at u , and work out a different way to deal with it for the kids sake I wish u every success, & pray u will be OK
      regards from Bittersweet

  237. Raan October 25, 2010 at 1:35 am #


    “Well what I meant was the compassionate love life. Ya’ll slept in different rooms and etc. That’s what she told me. Too me she seemed happy when ya’ll was together. But idk. I don’t want to know all of what’s going on with ya’ll. There is some things needs to be kept jus between ya’ll. But that’s all that was said. She felt like the spark wasn’t strong like it was before.”

    The sleeping in different rooms was not accurate, as I went to bed with her lots of times, but terri goes to bed at 9 or 10 at the latest usually, and after she conked out, I would go downstairs and watch tv as I am a night owl….

    I think she DOES have a valid point to some degree, and I am going to bring this up with Terri when I talk to her next. I am going to run by her what **I** would like to see happen IF she would consider trying to give us a chance again…a MORE passionate relationship, more intimacy, sleeping in the same bed ALL of the time, etc. IF this is REALLY an issue, then she will LIKE what I am saying, and if all I get is excuses, then it’s just that from her-an excuse and not a valid point.

    IF this is the real reason why she left, and I KNOW deep down she loves me, then
    1) she will be impressed that I am aware of this and want to do something about it…
    2)she would be hard pressed to say NO to me having a good valid plan to make it work…

    It’s a long shot, but what the heck…

  238. Raan October 25, 2010 at 1:52 am #

    Thinking about what I last wrote… I KNOW she is sick…I KNOW what I am planning on telling her is likely to be met with resistance….I know that she will likely say NO….

    But, It’s worth a try. In all honesty, THIS DOES SEEM LIKELY to be the REAL core issue IF she is NOT MANIC…and I know she is, but…

    This “problem” with us as she described it to her friend Laura tonight seems to be the most likely reason IF it is VALID.

    If not, well…I give up. Really.

  239. Raan October 25, 2010 at 1:53 am #

    You people are GREAT on here!!!!!

  240. josie October 25, 2010 at 4:36 am #

    Hi guys,

    Remember how I told you guys that I emailed him and he replied for me not to send emails? Well I emailed him back saying: “As you wish! Goodbye then!”

    Well, that was five days ago. This morning I get this email from him. “Stop.Your emails are unopened,and unread.Go away.—–”
    What do you guys think? Why did he email me this five days after I said ‘goodbye’ to him? I thought my email pretty much ended it on a final note.
    Does he in one way want to continue talking to me? Does he want to aggravate me ? Does he want to be the one with the final word?
    I am confused. I don’t know whether to answer this email or just let it go, but I am tempted to just let it go.

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 7:24 am #

      LET IT GO……

    • michelle October 25, 2010 at 10:27 am #

      yep let it go …….

  241. josie October 25, 2010 at 4:43 am #

    Well, actually the truth is I would love to say to him: “I love you”, but because you want me to go away, I will go away” or something to that effect.
    I just don’t want to anger him or send him into an episode.
    After all, there must be some reason that he is pushing me away. I must be a threat to him.

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 5:28 am #

      Josie, Josie, Josie….didnt you read some of my posts?

      I wrote the very same thing, I finished it just before Christmas last year, ended completely I had just found out he had taken someone else on holiday??
      On Christmas morning (2.30am whilst I was asleep) I received one text after another saying DONT CONTACT ME, ITS OVER, I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE, I DONT NEED YOU!!
      I hadnt contacted him since I told him it was over?

      At a later date when we did get back together (end January)I asked him what that was all about, he said, “its called PANIC babe”


      Read the first thing on the other post….Theodora wrote, “yes we love you, thats why we push you away!

      But thats not the issue here Josie, I was pushed away more times than I can remember and I always went back because I know he loves me, I know he wants everything from me, but as he said ” I JUST CANT HANDLE IT”

      You can keep going back, you can stay on the rollercoaster, many people do, sometimes I think, “for the good times, the really special times, I will stay”
      but then there are the bad times, the pain from what they say, the fear from the anger, the loneliness, the self doubt, the suspicion that they are screwing others, and thats the time you have to ask yourself…


      • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 6:09 am #

        WOW….I think I will have to start sleeping during the day and staying awake all night so I am on the same time zone as all you guys, I missed so much!….lol

        Firstly Marks comment on boredom, yes they get bored easily, mine would say “I like to keep it all new…like the first time?” perhaps that’s why they have a thrill from sleeping with so many others?

        And RAAN, sorry but maybe she is now BORED, its hard, I know but you have to accept the age thing, she has maybe realised shes very young, if a young person likes the excitement of being young then add BP and she is going to want twice as much excitement?

        I told you what the 17 year old represents, I have a 16 almost 17 year old son he has a string of girls, he doesnt fall in love, hes not interested in love, he wants fun, he doesnt care what they do…. and he will walk away at a moments notice and move on to the next….thats called being young, you have a combination of Terri and the 17 year old….its not good?

        RAAN this is it now, it wont go back, I had months of good like you but when it changed it never went back, she wont return to how it was in the beginning, she may move on and do good thing with someone else for a while but NOT YOU… not forever anyway!!

        You have to stop thinking its all your fault, I was “lucky” he often told me ” THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, ITS MY PROBLEM!” I know I didn’t do anything wrong and I know I cant fix it!

        You have to decide if this is what you want, if you can take all this BAD for moments of GOOD?

        BITTERSWEET….I thought the same as you, he wont leave me, we have something really special….BUT HE DID!

        And ROBERT…oh Robert, I could fall in love with you, πŸ˜‰ a man who has real feelings, tells you he loves you, chases you around the kitchen table and is clever enough to work out that a 35+ lady has everything he desires! If any of us will make it out of here and back into normality, YOU WILL!

        And MARK….YES, there are now some apples missing from the tree, branches have been broken and the leaves have long blown away……


        • michelle October 25, 2010 at 10:31 am #

          hehe so many posts – takes ages to read them all we would def need to stay up all night ha. nad ha wishing we are all still standing just like naked trees pmsll xx

  242. lost/and found October 25, 2010 at 6:07 am #


    I am not sure that jive theodora wrote is on the up and up. After all she is bp and in her mind maybe this way of thinking makes it right? But in my mind and from what I see they run not only from us the one they supposedly love but they also run from there pawns when they return to us? I have a feeling all the sweet talk I was told is repeated over and over to each of us because it works for them. Why stick around long enough to love someone if it hurts? And why would they hurt themself by leaving the ones they love when all they would have to do is stay and enjoy it? The more I think about it the more I feel the only one they truly love is themself. And she used to tell me all the time that she loves herself. She once posted pictures of herself on fbook looking like a spaced out fairy princess on crack πŸ™‚

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 6:11 am #

      That ones easy Robert….they RUN because it hurts LESS than STAYING!!

      • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 6:13 am #

        And most Bipolars HATE themselves not LOVE themselves!!

  243. Raan October 25, 2010 at 6:23 am #

    they run because they are MENTALLY ILL!!! you people have said to me…they don’t think like you and I…

    I think that she will come back…eventually. Will I be waiting? probably not. Depends on how fast she comes back to reality.

    I think she will be very hard pressed to keep up with her new bills coming and with the Holidays on top of this…she ought to wake up and smell the coffee soon, or break a coffee pot in a manic rage at a restaurant…one of the two.

    She just may well be trying to recoup her teen years she never had because she plopped out three babies since her Junior year of High school. explains the 17 year old BF…

    being with a BP is like a box of chocolates.

  244. lost/and found October 25, 2010 at 6:51 am #

    I am trying to piece together where we stood in there minds. Why I’m doing it? Well I guess it helps me sort out my feelings. Knowing the truth of what and how they think. So listening to all these postings I am thinking maybe I was her play time toy? Manic for her meant she was at the top.at party’s she was the loudest in the house! The look in her eyes was almost always one of lust until the love making started then the lust look changed to love look πŸ™‚ and she would go on about her collage degrees and her work. Posting pictures on face book looking like a spaced out princess lol. Then I think that when she got depressed she would take off. I very rarely got to see her if ever in that state. When I showed up un announced and got dumped I think she was going into that change and did not want me around for it so she dumped me. Its all so mind boggling. When I think I have it figured out at does a twist that leaves me scratching my head in disbelief. And I’m sure if we ever met the sparks would fly. You can get a pretty good idea of how a person is while chatting on here. And I’m sure you are fascinating woman πŸ˜‰

  245. Raan October 25, 2010 at 7:02 am #

    yes, you are very fascinating bittersweet. All of you people are. I have grown to become anxious about reading this blog regularly. I LOVE all of the comments and banter on here.

    yeah, I’m a mess at times, but I truly relish the comments and learn from you folks. I am starting to realize that I start to have it all figured out, and then I fall off the wagon so to speak and it is YOU people on here that whip me back into shape.

    it’s funny, I am a fairly intelligent man, loving kind…it’s amazing to me that a lil 24 year old princess i love can turn me into a blubbering mess of a man by a simple breakup. I have NEVER been turned into such a husk of a man from a breakup…until I met Terri. I think Bipolars rub off into your psyche and after they bolt….they turn you into one!!~!~!!

    I am waiting for me to bolt now…will I push myself away when i do? Will I hate myself for doing it? or, will I just make excuses and lie to myself and just play game after game until I crash too???


    • michelle October 25, 2010 at 11:01 am #

      good point raan, do we really start to turn into them and do what they do??? have we seem enought that we end up emulating them?? any ideas? xxx

  246. Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 7:12 am #

    Raan you will fall from the wagon I have many times, but I think I have it figured out….it may not be how everyones else figures it out BUT I want to move on now.

    I cant fix it, I miss him something terrible, I cant believe its only been 5 weeks since we spent a wonderful weekend together and he was going to change my world but instead he rocked it to the core…..

    I wish I could be friends with him, I wish we could just meet up and talk and just be there but I know he wont do that, so I will have to get used to the thought of never seeing him again!

    I have forgiven, I see it as an illness, maybe it was just a game, some seem revengeful and who could blame anyone but I JUST dont!

    Whether its down to the illness or down to just being plain nasty and bad people I will never be sure but I know one thing, I LET IT HAPPEN, I could have walked at any time so I do have some of the blame!

  247. lost/and found October 25, 2010 at 7:17 am #


    Youl prob do like I did and or still do. Lie to yourself that you don’t miss her and take care of your body and mind and go out and find yourself a real partner who will not play games and mess up your head. A person you will trust and relate too a beautiful smart edgucated woman.you will always have terry in your life. You are linked to her by your kids. It may help you to know you have a legal right to be around her to see your kids. The rest of us do not have that right. We will possibly never see ours again and that was at first a tough pill to swallow. Its just like my girl had passed away except I know she is out there somewhere. But I will not stop trying to move past and onto better days. What ever you do doit for yourself and the kids.

  248. lost/and found October 25, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    Josie bitterbabe is right let go of the string its the hardest part. Its so sad I know. But think about the pro and cons of it. Sit down and build a list of what you will have with them verses what you will have with someone else?
    With them you get:
    Left behind when they split.
    Low self esteem.
    Lied to.
    Possible STD’s.
    Cheated on
    Good sex but is it really good after finding out you are sharing? Umm gross.
    Now what you get with someone else:
    There heart and soul for real each and everyday.
    Warmth and hugs you know they really care everyday. A future together.
    They will be there for you if you are sad or ill.
    They will be there with you during happy times as well as bad.
    Trust and genuine intimat romance πŸ™‚
    The best loving making love not just having sex.
    Someone who will be there for you when you both get old and crusty lol.
    Get the idea?

  249. Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 8:14 am #

    Robert…..are you getting Bitterbabe and ME mixed up….because I think Bitter is asleep….shes in OZ?? lol πŸ˜‰

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 8:28 am #

      Roberts right anyway Josie….you will have all those things, mine would say “I dont do sharing” he meant he doesnt share me….it was ok to share him?? GO FIGURE??

      The loneless is something you will have to get used to look at us all…Raan, alone 2 months now, Bitterbabe, alone a year now, Michelle alone about a year I think, Lost alone 4 months?, Me, alone nearly the whole of the time we were together??

      Self esteem….read what we have all wrote, there are days we are all self critical, down, depressed, do you want that?

      TRUST….you will never have TRUST!

      STD’S… that something that we have never discussed but I am sure its in all our minds?

      Do you want any of that, if we have all saved one person from feeling how we have all felt at one stage then we know that what we have all wrote here has been worth it?

  250. lost/and found October 25, 2010 at 8:29 am #

    lmao no . There are so many things that we share that are the same I may get a little mixed up sometimes. Or it could be I try to include into my answers a little of all the postings I read all the postings and add them into one because most are done from my phone πŸ™‚

  251. lost/and found October 25, 2010 at 8:38 am #

    Good morning wish! I haven’t seen mine in 8 months and no contact in the past four months. That’s a long time to be away from the person she said she loves and is special. Ohh well.

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 8:55 am #

      Hello Robert πŸ˜‰

      Longer than I THOUGHT….Here is me, a mere 5 weeks but its not really because I have had “alone time” ( Oooh I sound like a naughty 3 year old that is sitting on the naughty step….lol ) for as long as up to 6 months….I have had shorter times but most have been a month on, a month off!!

      I think maybe we get forgot….maybe something jolts the memory, maybe they JUST RUN OUT OF PEOPLE??

      He did say to me once, when he was feeling normal “you are and always will be SPECIAL to me and dont EVER FORGET IT” it was as though he was trying to say ” WHEN I AM IN AN EPISODE OR I HAVE RUN AGAIN, REMEMBER THOSE WORDS?”

      ……Who knows…who really knows?

      • michelle October 25, 2010 at 11:09 am #

        Yes wishing funny you should say that, maybe they know they are going and will be back at some point, where they go i have no idea!! he’ll be back at some point, its early days even at 5 weeks, are you prepared for that?? xxx

  252. Raan October 25, 2010 at 9:10 am #

    what differs for me is the many years of consistent wonderful love we always had. Now, I am stuck dealing with this woman for the rest of my life…much difference than all of you folks.

    Somehow, I have to make it work with this confused mentally ill woman forever. Yikes.

    I have CHILDREN to think about as well. if it were not for the kids…shoot, I would be LONG GONE by now.

    My situation really sucks. I would change places with any of you any day of the week. WHY do you think I keep trying to make it work? not because I’m interested in being a whipping post.

    I miss how it was a few short months ago. I hope and pray that things work out for us. I really do. Thanks folks

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 9:54 am #

      Raan, it is sad and I feel for you, I know you want to make it work and maybe in your own way you can make it work BUT you will have to put up with so much, you will have to become something you are not now?
      You will have to be very strong and very resistant to what is thrown at you, you will have days of screaming, wild behaviour, other men, lies…. 10% do make their marriages work, can you be one of the 10%? Can you put in a 100% whilst she puts in nothing because it will be all about her?
      And just to add fuel to the fire, Bipolar is hereditary, your daughter has a 50% chance of this illness, you will then have 2 people in the house to deal with…..my ex’s mother is Bipolar!!

      You have some hard decisions to make, your daughter will always be a part of your life, if you choose to walk away Terri will be a smaller part until your daughter is an adult…. then Terri has no part in your life?

      Find someone else would be my advise, someone to support you, someone to love you…really love you…and someone you can enjoy the rest of your life with!

  253. josie October 25, 2010 at 9:13 am #

    Hi Wishing,

    Yes, that’s what he must have meant.

    Mine said something similar “Please don’t worry when I don’t call. It’s because I can’t. So don’t think it’s over.” Although it’s hard to believe that when it’s months and months on end.
    I know we should just forget it and move on. I know.
    But let’s face it. The reason we are all on this blog is because we are having a difficult time forgetting this person who has jilted us after adoring us. We are the proverbial rat in the experiment where they alternated food with shocks. Remember that one? I can’t recall the actual name of the experiment, but the rats who were alternated with food pellets and shocks were the ones most addicted to returning to the site of shock, regardless of trauma, just in case they would get the food pellet one more time. Yup, that’s us.
    That’s why normal people don’t have the same attraction for us. The intensity is now lacking for our own brain wiring.

    • michelle October 25, 2010 at 11:42 am #

      ha josie exactly right, the skinner box experiment omggggg and fortunatley in the end there is a decline to the response. we end up not going back1!!! gonna read up on that lol xxx

  254. Raan October 25, 2010 at 9:30 am #

    Josie- GREAT analogy! Spot on my dear!!!

    I think I am shocked and lobotomized…

    shock THERAPY…not very therapeutic though.

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 9:40 am #

      Yes Josie, there is truth in that analogy but unless you want the same you have to find something in normal people…..

      Yes we are all drawn to Bipolars, look at the Bipolars on our television screens…. maybe different where you all are but here in England there are a lot of famous people with Bipolar AND they all make us laugh, they entertain us, they draw us to watching them, they have a magnetism that makes them stand out, thats what we have had but when the T.V is turned off and the screen is blank….


      • michelle October 25, 2010 at 11:12 am #

        yep – robin williams is bipolar!! who’d of thought it eh?? xxx

  255. Raan October 25, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    Touche’ Wishing! ANOTHER great analogy!!


    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 10:35 am #

      No offence meant Michelle because I know you are trying to help everyone and God knows we need help…


      Now I find myself looking at websites titled NARCISSISM CURED…..

      WTF??? πŸ˜‰

  256. michelle October 25, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    Because wishing, NPD and bipolar can co-exist and kim cooper gives some really good pointers. and even if it isnt co-existing in any of the BP’s we have known they all have narcissistic triats, trust me. i have read and read about this….. someone said they were always accused of being controlling, i bet we all have, they use projection and splitting, pretty similar to the borderline PD. the project onto us what they dont want to see in themselves, in fact any bad trait of theirs will be projected onto us. ie: if they are emotionally unavailable, they wil say it is us who is, and if they are angry all the time they will say that we are angry all the time. also they use confabulation………….. leave it with me and i will post a few parts of the book when i get a minute and you will see what i mean. M xxxxx

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 11:26 am #

      Michelle, I know what you mean, I know what hes done and I know what hes like and knowledge is a wonderful thing and God knows if I had known anything about Bipolar maybe I would have gone passed GO without collecting my Β£200…..

      BUT my head is in one piece, my heart is broken BUT my legs can still RUN and shouldn’t we be thinking…. lets get out of this mess, lets start again, lets find the LOVE and PASSION we wanted, not trying to work out what they are and what they have done and why they have done it??

      I mean all that in the nicest way….they are ill, we cant fix it,

      • michelle October 25, 2010 at 11:31 am #

        Yeah i know wishing, i dont do that anymore, been there and done that for too long lol xxxx

  257. michelle October 25, 2010 at 11:22 am #

    Wishing, this is a little bit at the start of the e book:-

    I know its long and you dont have to read it, but hopefully you will see what i mean, its so similar to bipolar.

    Now before I get to the steps I want you to take I will give you a bit of background on my marriage …
    I am not going to dwell on the bad times. It might make for a sensationalist read and big claims of how far we have come, but if you are involved with someone that you feel is narcissistic well then you know how bad it can get and I don’t need to depress you further with my old stuff. I love Steve, and honour myself, and there is not much to be proud of in our worst moments. So briefly, I was for years in despair at the stark contrast between how he gave royal treatment to and β€˜performed’ for friends and visitors while in private he put us and others down, being nearly constantly fed up with myself and our three kids. This came across in his tone of voice as well as his disinterest in us. I suffered many assaults, physical and emotional, and I was guilty of many angry and embarrassing outbursts myself.
    This had gone on for years and my main efforts were to please him. This only got my heart broken over and over and left me more deeply resentful and angry after each attempt.
    It all really came crashing down on me however when I was backing up his computer and found a whole other side of him that I had no previous knowledge of. This included credit cards that I knew nothing about, some that he had used to buy himself nights out to the symphony, dinners at flash restaurants, top shelf porn DVD’s, etc., while the kids and I were at home alone most nights barely getting by on his bartender wages and answering
    repeated phone calls from debt collectors. He had signed up for a house sitting agency, looking for a house sitting job that he could use as his spare β€˜bachelors pad’ when he was not even capable of maintaining the flat that we already rented. I also discovered a picture that he had saved, along with other telling mementos, of a Japanese girl who had spent three summers with us, of her together with himself and my three kids as if they were a family, without me, and a business card which he had designed for himself describing himself as an extraordinary public figure. I was shattered. It was at this time that I started in earnest on my journey of pain and self discovery that has now lead me at last to emotional
    security and a peaceful family…
    This other life of Steve’s was nearly complete fantasy, but at the time I had no idea what to think. In reality it being fantasy, did not hurt me any less, but made it more confusing and disturbing… He was fantasizing about idyllic relationships with other women, but how he was treating us because of it was far from fantasy. I finally understood why he was starting fights whenever I wanted to talk about money. I finally realized why he hated me being good to him. He pretended to himself that I was the β€œnightmare” that he called me to justify
    his own bad behaviour. When I was nice, it challenged these rationalisations. Not only had he been lying to me and betrayed my trust, he had also scape-goated me for his bad behaviour. I was angry, hurt, confused, jealous and devastated.
    After speaking with a woman at a local community support centre I began looking up information
    on narcissism on line. The shoe fit perfectly, the articles I read described in detail my horrible prince of a husband that others constantly told me I was so lucky to have. The fantasized relationships, the confabulation (look up this word, it is what narcissists do), and the frustration I experienced trying to come to an agreement with him on anything.
    I remembered my visits to where he was working in this new light and I shuddered. It is not hard for a man to get Narcissistic supply (attention and adoration) when he serves the drinks late at night to some of the worst alcoholics in town. It was truly horrible, there was a group of drunk guys around the bar who spent nearly an hour saying over and over to me (and to him) what a great and wonderful guy he was. Steve of course lapped all of this up only to make haughty and scathing judgments of these men later to me when we got home. In his mind he was soon to be running the place (I had believed him when he told me this) but after speaking with his manager I discovered that he was on the verge of being fired because of his arrogance towards his superiors. His β€˜big show’ to be favourite barman had the other staff off-side too.
    The pain of these revelations, my discovery that they were symptoms of a personality disorder and the often stated β€˜fact’ that there was no cure for his condition, had me in the pits of anger, jealousy, despair, fear and anxiety. My mother stood by me through this, she had seen his condescending and haughty treatment of me where our friends had not. I felt so bad for her, she was so worried for me and I was a mess. All she could possibly say was what everyone else was saying (the professionals) and that was to leave him. The man on the mental health help line said the same thing and that he (Steve) would probably end up in jail, that the jails were full of narcissists, and that no professionals would work with them because they never got better and they lie and mess with other people so badly that most were not prepared to get involved.

    • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

      YES Michelle, in answer to the above post I am ready for it, but its not going to happen!!

      There is nowhere to go now!

      He has PUSHED and PULLED so many times, I have heard so many reasons EXCEPT ONE and he used that last time.

      I knew it was coming, I didnt know when, he could have used it a million times but he didnt….maybe it was his trump card ( I must have been at the top of the pack that day Robert? )

      I went with it, I had too, if I didnt I KNEW I WOULD ALWAYS WONDER….what would have, could have, should have been…..BUT I knew?
      Can you imagine how it felt making love with someone KNOWING it was the last time, I KNEW IT WAS?

      BUT it was for my piece of mind….

      I dont blame him at all, I know he tried, I know he wanted it as much as I did, he just couldnt do it!

      He will and probably has already moved on, he will have other girls but he wont see their faces, he wont look in their eyes, he wont want them in his head…..I know, because he has told me….he didn’t tell me so as I will go back to him, he told me he will never come back to me and I believe him, he had no motive to say it, it was after the break up….. he knows there is nowhere left to go!

      I dont hate him at all, I cant, that is part of forgiveness and the forgiveness is for me not for him, I cant move on without forgiveness.

      I have watched him over the time we have been together and he has deteriorated a lot, he now drinks more, he smokes more he looks really ill, I dont want to be the reason for that!
      If being without me is better for him then that’s what I would want because I know what real love is!

      I feel sorry for him because I will love again, he may not…. hes a clever man he knows what he has, he knows what he cant do and I think he knows he cant do this again…..he cant love again!

      He said to me “I KEEP DOING IT….I KNOW I AM MAD”

      • Wishing well October 25, 2010 at 12:55 pm #

        Thank you for the article Michelle, the two sound very close.
        My partner didn’t have some of those traits, he never blamed me, he was never violent, he never even raised his voice to me, he said somethings by phone I didn’t like, he sent the awful texts, but I never saw the bad side unless he was running away!
        If anything he was the kindest, most gentle, well mannered person I have ever met.
        He has a drink problem, he has ADHD, he has serious relationship problems, not just with me, his Mum, his daughter, his sister, his friends…..he has no friends, he cant keep friends!
        I suspect a spending problem but only have evidence of it twice!
        Has a commitment problem, has a lying problem, has a high sex drive, has serious depression!

        But I agree with the last line, I dont think he will ever get better!

  258. michelle October 25, 2010 at 12:34 pm #