“Why do bipolar people push partners away”

8 Jan

Man, there’s a novel right there.

For a long time, I’ve kept my husband at arms length. While lithium has improved and stabilized my bipolar, old habits die hard. It’s easier for me to block myself off, to remain remote and mute, to huddle on the couch and speak little for days. The interior dialogue in my head helps me forget that I’m not actually talking most of the time anyway.

Frankly, it’s easier to push you away than to try and deal with you.

Partners represent many messy, painful things. Trust. Love. Commitment. Responsibility. Things that sometimes, we want to forget. Things that scare us. Trust is a big one for me. I have a very hard time trusting anyone, partly from being abused, and going on to lose my mother, partly from my latent paranoia. There is a gated complex around my heart and brain, and very few people have access to it. I do not trust people enough to allow them the privilege of potentially hurting me. (It took awhile to get over this with my children)

Letting my husband in has taken time, and even now can be a shaky thing. I’m so raw in some ways, that trust equals exposure. If I hurt, it means it’s even easier for him to hurt me. So best act fast, suckerpunch, and move on. That way he can’t say or do anything that might break my heart. It’s the equivalent of people who break up with their respective other only because they heard that they were going to do it, and they’ll be dammed if they’ll let their girl/boyfriend do it first.

I push him away because it hurts less. It’s not so dangerous.

In my experience, things that I love go bad. They die. They hurt me. They betray me. The thought of willingly exposing myself to these things-it’s chilling, and terrifying.

Most of the time I’m not even aware that I’ve pushed him off, to the side, away from me. I’m just angry and hurting and while I might want his arms around me, his words soothing me, I’m fucking scared and stubborn and generally, irrational. He becomes the enemy, the thorn. I must protect myself.

None of this is fair to the partner who is at the other end of it. There’s even been times when I’ve been like “Divorce? AWESOME idea.” Those times are scary afterwards, when you figure out how close you’ve come to ruining everything in your life that actually holds any meaning.

Your partner isn’t pushing you away because it’s you, not likely. It’s what you represent, what you are. Hug them anyway. Tell them you love them. Break down that wall.

Let them push. But hold firm, and catch them when they fall back to earth.

2,114 Responses to ““Why do bipolar people push partners away””

  1. genowen January 8, 2008 at 10:54 pm #

    Where vultures Fly…

    I am the husband at the other end. I come home sometimes never knowing if this will be a good night or a bad night. I pray for the good. Sometimes I let my guard down.
    It was such a good day. Texting each other about the red fishnets she won on ebay. Can’t wait till they come in! “I love you”, she loves me back. I got a text later that said, “don’t you miss me”? I respond back an hour late, “always! I miss my babes”! I come home from work. I am exhausted today. The new baby, 5 hours a night takes it’s toll. We share nightly duties. My mom was babysitting. I never get to see her. I walk in the door. I accidently woke the baby. My mom asks me how my day is. She talks alot. Twenty minutes later, my wife gives me those eyes. She’s mad. Oh god no! Not now. Now what…?? think think think! What did I do wrong. My stomach gets warm, I feel really funny all over. My heart races. I’ve got to stop it quick. I tell her I love her. I go to hug, kiss, embrace. I ask her to sit on my lap. She’s beyond upset. Right in front of my mother. I forgot to kiss her when I came home. She thinks I don’t care about her. I try but now she pushes me away. Goes to take a shower. My mom asks me what just happened. I tell her I have no clue. I guess I should have given her more attention when I came home. I guess I shouldn’t be tired. I don’t know. The sky starts to come down on me. I ask her when she gets out of the shower what she wants to eat for dinner. She says nothing. I tell her I am sorry, that I love her. I was just tired, distracted from the baby, my mother. She won’t hear it. It becomes all about her feelings, and how she is tired too. She magically is able to conjure everything from the past, and the waves of shit come at me. I don’t dare defend. Been there, she doesn’t care what I think anyway. I am everything horrible. Think of the worst things, and thats what I am called. The worst ones are worthless and pussy. I hate those. They hurt the worst. I could stand up for myself but it escalates. I can leave, but she yells these things out the door. I live in a condo. Everyone hears. I cover my head with a pillow. Wish myself on a gorgeous beach, telling myself I love her, I love her. Sometimes it goes for hours, and I don’t exaggerate.
    The worst of all I guess, is the horrible things she tells me about me. And then when she is done, she closes the bedroom door, and I am left to just sit with it all. She says divorce like it’s no big deal. I love her so much. I don’t want to go there. I know this is just an illness. Brain chemicals right? Because we can be talking about fishnets and butterflies the next day. She won’t go to a doctor. The problems are all me, ya know. I think I will probably die early in life. My heart hurts all the time. My stomach, always nervous and warm. Not a good warmth. I feel like a daisy, love me, love me not. I only have so many petals… ~Sean

    • Sco February 24, 2009 at 2:55 am #

      Man, so nice to read that Sean. I think you painted a perfect picture. I did not marry my girlfriend (now ex as of last week, again). But for the past year its been constant ring shopping and pushing me to move in together until I did 3 months ago. I warned her we needed to work on the relationship more but she insisted she would be a bitch until i did. Well sure enough, lots of arguing over the stupidest things and the whole time me not remember what happened exactly one year ago when she had her breakdown episode into a month long mania. So i argued back and now of course all the hate has come out as she has gone into a episode exactly a year later from the last. Same phrases coming out, everything. I am suddenly a “fucking psycho idiot”, she doesnt love me, this whole thing has been a error, says we never should have slept together and she is disgusted and that she hasnt been into this for the past year. Not a SINGLE good moment according to her in this state of mind. I can count 100s. Its just unreal, as the days of a episode go on the excuses and outlandish reasons come flying out of a hat. I am suddenly the co-dependent one although i didnt want to move in together. Basically overall i am now the mistake and a joke to her. Unreal. So now its back to miss independent who doesnt want a relationship and doesnt love me in that way etc…. and boom, instant wall and distance and out tearing up the town with heavy make-up. High-five myself : /

      • jay March 1, 2009 at 10:03 pm #

        sean, i feel for you. i was dating a bipolar for 4 years. undiagnosed, but i know he was bipolar because lucky me, the guy before was also, so i knew all about it. i had that pain and warmness in my stomach, ive been called every name in the book by him. he gave me a beautiful ring on our 4th anniversay of us dating and then broke up with me 2 weeks later. i know this sounds horrible but i call it cancer of the soul. ive been so good to both bipolars. really the perfect girlfriend and was treated like shit. soon after we broke up he started calling me again, but i told him to get lost. i feel sooooo much better. my stomach feels normal for the first time in a long while. i will never go near one of these people again.

        • anon. March 17, 2009 at 11:42 am #

          At the same time, where is your sympathy? Where is your human decency? Do you think it is part of the person’s personality or control to act like they do if they have an episode due to bipolar. Your opinion, that you were the perfect girlfriend, was well off. If you cared about these people you would not take their abuse at all, but insist that they get serious help. “Cancer of the soul”. You disgust me. “These people”. Who do you think you are? 1 in 6 people have bipolar. What you have written is incredibly insensitive and ignorant. You should be ashamed. There is a corelation between bipolar and creativity, “these people” have a deep beauty within them that should be embraced not frowned upon. Wake up!

        • dragonfly October 13, 2010 at 11:19 am #

          “Ouch!” One of “those” people? Remember, that there aren’t any “bi-polar people,” but there are people who have a disease called “bi-polar,” which is treatable. Jay, I hope to heaven that you never get diagnosed with anything that will leave you feeling alone and needing someone with the attitude that you have towards others who are not in control of the cards they were dealt in life.

        • sympathetic August 25, 2011 at 10:58 am #

          i am really glad to have read your post, jay, contrary to posters who responded to you. why is it that the victim of bipolar must always be the person who has it? what about the people who are constantly abused by that person, no matter how much they try to help them? we’re not saints, and patience has a limit, so why should the world suddenly revolve around someone because they are diagnosed with bipolar? also, i feel it very naive to assume that a simple diagnosis actually means one has bipolar. mental health is an industry and certain illnesses are in vogue at certain times; right now it’s bipolar. we should not forget, as well, that human beings are often too lazy to deal with their issues, so the opportunity of excusing one’s bad behavior by blaming it on something like bipolar can be very tempting, rather than taking responsibility for oneself and actually dealing with it and doing the work necessary in order to respect other people. modern society is so incredibly spoiled; neither mental illness nor physical disease remove the burden of human responsibility, no matter how much some of us would welcome such an excuse…

        • roberttorontoRobert in Toronto December 5, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

          Jay, I too will never go near “one of those people”. For me it was a 17 YEAR ride with a BP, ADHD-pi, Borderline woman. As far as compassion, that was ripped from me when she started to pose a threat to the safety & development of our children. The “poor me, I have a disease” wears thin when a husband & two children question if the momster is capable of love. I won’t debate that. What IS real is the developmental & relationship issues they bring / exasperate / create by making everyone else’s lives & aspersions secondary to their oozing Hell.

          Isolate them, medicate them, drug them & charge for admission. The 10% of marriages that survive are codependent farces, not relationships.

          As far as genius BS, BiPolar is “the expression of polymorphisms in the alleles of genes in chromosome pair 15” The same expression for schizophrenia. BiPolar overlaps schizophrenia at some 30,000 allele points. In the midst is OCD. Depression is easy enough to empathize with & understand.. but get this MANIC is not “happy”. Manic indicates maniacal. Many BiPolars are indistinguishable from full blown psychotics (voices, delusions, etc). Living with Dame Jeckyl & Madamme Hyde is not worth the damage.

          Wag your fingers all you want “aught to be ashamed”. I will tell you to your face. You are EVIL monsters. It was two decades of my wasted time.

        • Rick Martin February 4, 2013 at 10:35 am #

          I know exactly how you feel.

        • john February 7, 2013 at 4:27 am #

          every time i tried to make it work….the words out of mouth blew me away…22months…first seven were great then i was smashed with insecurities….mind u i studied her history, her mind set but i stilled luved her…bipolar depression no doubt…thanks jay

        • anonymous for so many reasons February 9, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

          you call them bipolars.

        • These people May 3, 2016 at 8:00 pm #

          “These people”? Omg “perfect girlfriend” YOU have a mental disorder, YOU ARE A NARCISSIST. you are pribably the bi polar one as well. Moron. Get ovr yourself and your most likely lyposuctioned stomach.

        • MamaPhoenix May 16, 2016 at 12:25 am #


          I understand where you are coming from. my husband of five years is Bipolar II. He, fortunately for me, was diagnosed and on a treatment plan when we met. Through the years, he has improved dramatically. I do not agree that they all are not capable of normative behavior. Like addicts, it is a constant struggle to stay normative. My husband knows when he is in a bad state, and he isolates, holing up in our bedroom and listening to music while the kids and I go about our lives. This makes things worse for him because then he feels like he is unnecessary in our family. But, then he comes out of his bad spot and we welcome him back with open arms. It is a struggle, I don’t deny that. He can be harsh with his words, he does push me away, but, the struggle is worth him. It is not a life for everyone, but, you already know that. All I can say is that now that you know, you will not be caught unawares the next time you meet a man with BP. So, there is a silver lining for you.

        • John June 17, 2016 at 10:53 pm #

          I feel the same way. I dated a BPD for 16 months. Episodes brought on by drinking about 2 times a month. She would pack up and leave to her home and shut her phone off for a few days. Come back and apologize then repeat. I found out she did this to her ex husband for years and would be having sex with others when he was away on business. I am hurt but ignoring her now. Therapy is teaching me I am codependent. I am now putting me first. Good luck. John

      • Rick September 14, 2009 at 10:41 am #

        Hey Sean,

        How are you ? It’s so amazing that I can relate to
        everything you stated because I have experienced
        this with my wife also, I believe this is true about
        the chemical imbalance, but sometimes it’s very difficult
        to understand and deal with.

        • Sam March 19, 2013 at 9:55 am #

          You people…yes you bipolar nuts….should be locked up and only allowed to have a relationship with another bipolar so that you can destroy each other.
          What makes you think you can do whatever to people and then hide behind your disease?
          My ex was medicated, went for counselling all to NO avail.
          You cannot be helped.
          Leave us normal people alone!

        • miranda January 13, 2015 at 2:27 am #

          I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Sometimes I think my boyfriend is bipolar as well. Actually never thought of it until I read these comments. He’ll tell me dnt ever talk to me again ever or tx. Thing is I don’t he’s the one who always mess me back. Ill get away from him n he drags me in. He seems to forget conversations we’ve had too. He makes my bipolar worse saying im nothing to him,bt thn drives 2hrs to be with me,after he cusses me next morning its like it never happened. He ask me to do a threesome with a girl we knw. I wasn’t worried she was totally not his type it was actually awful how he talked about her. I was more concerned with her feelings than my own bc im confident in my looks,n heart.I just made one rule he couldn’t sleep with her anything else pretty much goes. This was all 3 of first time doing this. Went better thn i thought bt one problem when my back was turned for 1 sec he had her bent over doing exactly what I said not to do. Im doing this for you not myself and you still have to hurt me ive only mentioned it once to him,he says it just happened. Its like hes feeding my bipolar. . Someone please tell me that im not crazy for this bothering me and why cant we stay from each other n why if he doesn’t care about me why want he just let me be no matter what i say to him always comes back to me if it means txingmess,email,calling me on every phone or website i have. He’ll find a way back into my life but im not allowed to express any feelings of emotion at all. If i do or try he pulls that im a child grow up we shouldn’t talk awhile routine. Im so confused am i to blame here?

      • DG December 19, 2011 at 10:14 am #

        Recently, I had gotten close to a bipolar female. Nothing about us made sense. I’m 53 and she’s 37. Her ex has custody of their 14 year old son and he has a restraining order against her for stalking. She chased me till I gave up. Now all at once, she’s moving to a new job, and is cool to me. At first it stung, but when I remember how much I did NOT want to get involved with her, I sighed with relief. I had mentally ill parents, and did not want someone like her in my life. Sounds cold, and she is a sweetheart, but the drama I can’t deal with. Her past if a nightmare at times. Some people can’t be saved…

      • Jackie July 30, 2013 at 12:51 am #

        I’m bi-polar & get everything you said. I do take 100%bof my actions & thankfully (for you normal people), I only date assholes (like certified aholes, the kind that get jailed & deported). It is a humiliating disease & apologizing has gotten old to even the a-holes. Your statement literally made me laugh out loud & I get it (“Isolate them, medicate them, drug them & charge for admission”…lol). I would not wish my shit on a normie. I think of it like PMS…seriously feels out of control, but ya know what, that’s my disease & no one else deserves the punishment for it (except the buttheads I date…& honestly, they do. We deserve eachother). I am on meds & was thrilled to know why i behave like such a bitch sometimes and do sincerely try to work on it. But it still comes out. I have a heart of gold that rescues kids & animals by volunteering & somehow muster up patience for them that doesn’t quit, but not in romantic relationships. I’m sorry for all the pain bi-polars inflict upon their lovers, & agree, a well adjusted person need not go there. While I know some people use it as an excuse, others of us are ashamed & sad for how we behave at times – & try, usually in vain trying to undo the damage we’ve already caused. Anyway, sucks but true, we should only date fellow sufferers. The rest of you shouldn’t take our meanness personal, we are “unreal” many of underserved times. I sympathize with the disease but also recognize the shit it puts others through & apologize on behalf of all of us.

        • Jackie July 30, 2013 at 1:23 am #

          On the lighter side, this article in the Onion is hilarious and all too true.

        • daniel March 22, 2015 at 6:27 pm #

          Im going through a episode for about two to three months it’s so bad right now I can’t tell u the date time dose not exist at this point I’m out of work and no money my child support is backing up I’m feeling beat the fuck up like I’m about to drop and there’s nothing I can do to the people that was talking shit I wish u would confront me with that shit in my face we don’t need to be reminded we or walking death we see it everyday and hate ourselves for it don’t be a dick some bi Polar People OR suicidal I Hope u feel good about yourself reading tomorrows paper and someone slit there f****** risk because you’re stupid s***

        • Lashlash August 29, 2016 at 10:42 am #

          Lashlash….Im bipolar and I aint apologizing eather…Im sick and tired of this shit too…many of u mother fuckas shouldna never fucked with me in the first place…when I first started out I was beautiful naive and ful of light all into my own life I loved people lived giving my all to them…it was like I was manic high and happy all the time…found my self quit some times worked job after job and spoiled my family and friends did pretty well in school moved location to location nevervreally understoo why I had to make change so much but realized now its because I get bored easily then one day when this shit caught up with me I was like you know all nice and stuff back then Id say all cute and innocent wow what the heck is thos depressed over whelming stressed unheathy sad uhhhhg feeling I found my self hardly able to maintain a job I gave my lovers all my light and happiness and presents and sex and all the love I could give at tge time in each realation ship…one relation ship lasted 3 years and we had a baby the next relationship 6 months and we lived good found out he was a cke head tge next relationship four months ..he fell in love so deep he just up and quit his job and had us living out of hotels I was l was like huh what the fuck is this but again at this time I was in my 20s by now so I wasnt so cussy and believe it or not yall Im never cussy but today aftervreading all the negatives and titles yall put on us bipolar…I wanna say a big FUCK ALL YALL BITCH ASSES WE CANT GELP THIS SHIT TOO I TRIED TO BE THE SWEET ME AND if ny man now who loves me so deeply even had a clue I wrote this hed be like wow babe u aint cursed like this since last few years back when u use to brake glass and drive people of the road…he seems to be the only fuck who cares and tries to care for me in his best ability but anyways I debt with the perscription drugs sometime they work sometimes thet make me madder cause I wanna be normal but what the fuck us normal now days everybody gotta problem Bitches yall do too bipolars just have it worse and believe me Ive got every help I could get but I gotta be careful cause some of that unhealthy help out there is on that put u away shit and try to guinny u you type of stuff so next Im trying natural medisine like rainforest type shit so this xan all be over. I know ita a debilitating process Ive went from wonder women to cat women to supper women to bossy lady to every mans dream and maybe even everymans nightmare in a way….lije I said tgey all had the best of me and now Im left in this state and after tgat relatiinship with living in and out of hotels I left him then was in relationship with tge next guy four years lovely it wasvtill this bitch ass nigga had his way of pimping not litterally again another sandnigga tryna splurge off my beauty blow these niggas heads up givem some black pussy and find out Im not so expenssive aftwr all then smoothly treat u like shit in they own lil way when I broke my back giving all my lovevhelping on the morgage like a dumb black bitch at the time I was…splurging all my money on helping at home when he was sitting on over 200,000 yes he was generous but I wasnt the type that expected…I had my own money but if I new Id end up like this diagnosed with this bull sjit I would have put it all away in CDs and let it turn over…..well anyways after tgat relationship I left him because my sickness got so bad I felt like Id die with his romanian germen mix negative hollerings on my two month break down after I pretty much gave him my last youthful great years and love and money support….I later found my honey now….and no it has not been always roses we did that stupid bull shit me hook him up with girls ‘s ause we was cool at first but I fell all in love tge first time we made love which he really didnt know but I thought deep down he did and I hooked him up with my girlfriend associates and my auntie tryna push him off cause I was scared of relationship yeah he fucked them all…I call my self testing him to see if he wasba hoe and if he was I would not deal with him and some how he kelpt telling me I was his wife and so we fucked around broke up millions of times because I was always agitated assuming he was cheating and yes maybe even caught some messages on him flirting with otgwrs and so that drove me to dating others and somehow me and him woild find our selves bsvk together well now we are over all that dumb stuff and we got deep into church to the point where I was ministering helping get people healed even went through somevdeliverances my self….this I did for years thats why I say normally youd never catch me cussing but yall really pulled something out of me today and like I said if my man seen this b lo og hed look at me like whats wrong baby and Id say hey maybe some kinda demon got in me or on me from justvsucking ur dick which we would normally never do cause we try to stay saved and now we gotta repent again. Yes the Bible says dont touch which most preachers mean to stand from intercourse but once u get in it deeper I believe it means stand from any sexual immorality and we can go almost a wholevyear but we mess up about a goid three times a year since the Churching but I say this all because I feel I have tooo….any of yall that truelly understand bipolar Im sure u can see thevdiffrent personalities in me from just this blog…I just ask for yall prayers for me cause all I care about is getting natural remedies for this cause the Bible says God gives us the plants and the seeds of the earth as meat and so Im eating more vegies and better and me and my man are saving up to get my homeopathic herbal remedies nagural rainforest plant remedies from the earth and I believe ill get my true deliverance ok Praise God Im finally back to my normal self so now I ask God for forgiveness I repent on all the crap that just lashed out and the nasty fowl unsaved stuff I did with my man recently and…I ask for forgiveness and ask u all again to pray for me as well as Ill do the same for yall ok yayy all the cussings out of my soul I hope yall dont start me back up and if yall do Im telling Jesus on all yall and of course He will be looking at me crazy and saying my child dont let others provoke thee….keep my likness and be rightous….so again I ask for forgiveness and ask for forgiveness for yall too that dont understand this mental illness stuff but I pray that we all be healed in Jesus name Amen.

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        • Trish August 24, 2015 at 1:07 pm #

          Forget all this “spell” stuff and turn to the Creator of Heaven and Earth THE LORD JESUS CHRIST. We turn everywhere else but our Creator the ONE who knows us intimately since HE created us. Go to HIM and and ask him to heal you. Read the Bible to know who God is and put your faith in HIM not man.

    • Flo April 22, 2009 at 2:46 pm #

      Sean –

      Are you still with your wife? If so, I want to know how you are and if this has been a good decisions for you.

      I have been with a man I love very much for 5 1/2 years. I did not move in with him until just before our 4th year of dating. Until I moved in I never realized the depth of his illness. In fact, until this week, I didn’t know that he was bipolar. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t have anything to “pin it on”. I have read so much on the subject and feel so validated at this point. But, how do fix this? Knowing the truth and resolving are two different things.

      Once I moved in with him, episodes happened quite frequently usually involving drinking or getting high. Sometimes he was elated, other times he was nasty and mean, angry and verbally abusive. Other times he would be emotional and cry. I couldnt’ believe it was the same person that I loved all of this time. Ten months into us living together, he caused a huge, drunken, ugly scene at a family event. The police were called but we got him out and home before they got to the location.

      Once home, his tirade continued. He threatened to kill me, my family and anybody else he could think of that night. He told me to get the “f” out and that he could replace me. He had women come and go in his life and I was no different. I went numb. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. So, I lay there in our bed, alone, and prayed that he would fall asleep in the other room. Eventually he did and in the morning I left and I haven’t been back to live there since. However, I have continued our relationship, because the “good” parts of him are so good that I do not want to let him go. He has done so many kind things for me and others – but the bad times are soooo bad, especially lately. They seem to be escalating.

      We have been back and forth for 10 months. Sometimes I sleep at his house and others nights I go to my parents home. I have reached a point in my life where I need to take care of myself and get healthy so that I can take care of him. Do you think that is possible? My goal is to get a place for us that I am able to maintain myself – his home is small and dirty and he doesn’t finish any project that he starts. The home I would pick out would have a special room or garage for him. I’d make a “cave” for him to retreat to during his episodes. It seems like the perfect solution for both of us. We would get to be together during the good times, I can handle the abuse and have learned to not take it personally, and he can have a place to fight and let out his demons. (During most of his manic phases he drinks, gets high, listens to really loud music and hides in the garage or the basement where he writes down all of his “ideas” which are usually so far fetched and have no basis in reality, but I tell him they are great. I never want to reject him or make him feel bad – he does enough of that on his own. I am constantly stroking his ego and giving him praise for any little effort or task that he completes.

      His dream is to work and rebuild cars. I recently started my own business in the hopes of having more control over my income and also flexibility to be there for him during any of this “phases”. Also, not having the responsibility of looking after a house and worrying about an income, I hope, will give him the time and energy to really work on his dream and his cars.

      This past Saturday we had a great evening. He bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and we were spending time together. I had agreed to move back in sometime in the next fews weeks, I just needed to work on some of my own things first. So, I had begun to stay back at the house more frequently.

      Saturday night, he went outside to his garage and began drinking and was cheerful and full of his “ideas”. But somewhere around midnight, I could hear him getting louder and decided it was time for me to go so that he could continue his venting and I could get a good night’s sleep. When I went to say goodnight, he told me to go and this time to not come back. He told me I was to blame for holding him back from his dreams, that I was a failure and that I was dragging him down with me. Yes, it hurt for a moment, but I am strong enough now to realize that his words are weapons to use against me – they are not my reality. I could see the torture inside him and did not want to abandon him, but, I honored his request and left. Every fiber of my being wants to run to him to make it okay again. Am I fooling myself into thinking that I need to go back to help him? How can I leave him at a time when he needs me most? Do you think I am the one making him bipolar?

      He has no idea that there is anything wrong with him – althought I suspect he really does know that there is something different in his head. Do I approach him with the idea of bipolar disorder? Do you think this will calm him down or will he flip out and be insulted?

      I love him so much but fear that I am kidding myself or becoming delusional myself in thinking that I can be a savior and take care of him and still function normally myself. My family and friends have seen enough and are worried and sick for me that I continue to stand by someone who so disregards my own happiness and has caused so much UNhappiness.

      Truly, I am torn……………..I love him so, but fear for my / our future.

      • chad June 10, 2009 at 11:02 pm #

        Don’t feed the trolls

        • MiMi Rads December 1, 2011 at 3:32 am #

          When You Love Someone With All Your heart. Letting Go Doesn’t Feel Life An Option. My Boyfriends names Chad too. I Think his Going Through An Episode And Has pushed Me Away to Move On because of The Episode But I Cant Because I Know He Doesn’t Mean It. He Is Usually So Rational And Strong That The Reasons He Gives For The Split He Would’ve Wanted To Work Through Them if He Was Who Was Just 4 Weeks Ago.

          So As The Best friend Of .Somebody With Bipolar I Must Feed The Troll Because I Dont Know Any Other Way. Maybe im Too Weak To Leave Or Maybe I Love him Too Much. All I Know Is The Man That Broke Up With ME Wasnt The Man Who Said I WAS The One Just 3 Weeks Before.

        • Jonell October 29, 2014 at 5:04 pm #

          you are ignorant.

      • robert shakespeare June 20, 2009 at 2:42 am #

        Hi flo….You sound like a very warm hearted woman from your story…I have been reading many things about bipolar to understand myself more as I suffer that condition..I am an extremely creative man with so many talents yet so haunted by the world,life and a true reality as to what most “normal people ” experience…I can be this surging force of creative thought and intellect and then crush down to hiding under the sheets like a child begging for someone to take care of me….Yes bipolar are wonderful caring people who ingratiate everything with such force but can so easily come down from that strength…and be destructive….I have never hurt anyone with my condition as I just go into a hole and people will call me wondering where I am and how I have been. and most times I will never answer the phone and just hide to try and get better….Yes other bipolars do vent emotion and get angry with loved ones and say bad things as that has never been me…as bipolars are very different….I’m sure your partner does adore and love you but is incapable of true connected emotion when he is going through his personal demons…..yet he would cut off his hand to change things…I always wished I could be with a bipolar woman as I would feel very safe knowing we share so many similar thoughts and angst with ourselves…..That a bipolar would accept me for who I am and love me without judgement …….i hope this helps…Take care and all the very best….

        • Jordan September 27, 2011 at 10:27 am #

          Can I ask what is your criteria for normal Robert? You have described how I feel all the time yet I do not have bipolar. These sound like fairly regular ups and downs that all humans experience. Is it not how people deal with those feelings that is important? Is it not possible that when someone is given a diagnosis for how they feel, especially before they have developed a sense of who they are, that they will interpret their emotions and as distinct from “normal” human beings? My fear is that it is the diagnosis itself that causes mental illness. I have been in and out of a relationship with someone with this condition and tried my very best to make a distinction between someone who appeared to be arrogant, selfish, cruel and an arrogant, selfish and cruel individual. In the end I realised that they are just the same thing

        • been around this mountain before February 17, 2013 at 7:48 am #

          sometimes abuse comes in the form of what was not done to us

        • Ryan June 14, 2013 at 12:29 pm #

          I have fairly similar experiences with being bipolar.

          I guess type II maybe or less. Most of the time I experience depression… I have burned more than a few bridges, but I think a lot of those bridges are with people that I would never have built in the first place if I were a healthier minded person.

          I think the hardest thing for people around me to deal with is that if I am depressed or hypomanic (I’ve only been manic once and manic=apeshit crazy), it’s hard for me to be supportive, attentive, etc. to the needs of those around me. It’s hard for me to be a good friend or partner. Often times I just want to hide, but that doesn’t make me happy. I’ve noticed that others with different mental conditions, addictions, etc. have difficulty being good friends and partners because their needs drive them to be self-focused. They can’t understand the other person’s experience because their own experience is overwhelming them.

          I think about wanting to find a partner, but I also feel bad that I might ruin this person’s life. Sort of a lonely sad feeling. Fortunately I have enough friends and family around me to keep me somewhat sane. Some of the posters seem a little harsh, but I don’t think I would be able to deal with someone who is manic for more than about five minutes personally. Dealing with someone who is suicidally depressed is pretty bad too as I dated someone that way for three years. It was horrible. I think she had borderline personality disorder and social anxiety disorder, if not others, at least that’s what she said her doctors told her. She also cut herself at the time.

          My depression is a little more subtle. I will feel lethargic and unmotivated, just trying to get through the day really doing everything that I need to do, like go to work, eat, talk to my friends and family, etc. Probably boring would be most characteristic adjective. When I’m depressed, I don’t want or care to do much. I have had severe depression and it is more like feeling like you can’t get out of bed, and it’s horrible. Maybe some day I will try meds again if i feel worse. They are not without drawbacks. I’m not sure that I tried them long enough though. I feel uncomfortable taking most medications.

          Being bipolar means for whatever reason I have trouble regulating my moods, which affects my behaviors in a major way. Once I broke up with my girlfriend of three years and I was depressed for three years. I think someone more typically oriented might be depressed for a month or two or three. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for me to go through a divorce. So that’s the feedback loop. I try to guard against those types of experiences, which makes dating for me feel very vulnerable to pain.

      • tracey January 2, 2010 at 8:37 pm #

        Hi Flo, sorry its late i cant talk now but i would love to talk to u further as nearly all you say is the same as me
        we may be able to help each other
        i never go on these chat things but today has been a really bad day and your entry made me cry cos everything seems familiar we have been trying to get my partner to the docs for 4 yrs and only a month ago he was diagnosed it was hard getting him there but well worth it…..

      • viv September 13, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

        That was me for 25 years. Two months after the 25th anniversary party where he made a speech praising me to the hilt, he turned again and walked out starting divorce proceedings. He made sure that it was the nastiest divorce that he could conjure up. He spread hideous rumours about me and his lawyer mananged to take me for more money than I will ever have. He told the children the most unspeakable lies about me. He continued to harass them until both of them developed severe mental problems. He would never let go of me and let me make something out of the tattered shreds that he had left of my life. I had nursed him through two heart surgeries and one very serious back surgery. I had waited on him and help him rehabilitate with all the means that I could muster. Last year he died a very lonely and pathetic man. Now one of my children has started the same pattern of behaviour and we are re-living the nightmare. Yes the good times are magical but the overall prognosis is a nightmare. Let go now, you cannot rescue him.

      • to close December 9, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

        do him a favour and love yourself first and see if you still feel the same

      • around and around I go February 6, 2013 at 9:18 am #

        I have found when all my energy and focus is on another person to help them get well etc. I am in a co-dependant relationship. Take some time and look at you, then you can see them without the rose coloured glasses, painful but healthy for everyone. Some bi-polar people will never get well and that is hard to swallow but true none the less.Loving myself sometimes involves letting go of others in my life that hurt and damage me.I am well worth it not a pride thing but a good healthy self-care.

      • Nuno April 22, 2015 at 11:24 am #

        Flo, I have 4 children with my bipolar wife. I love her very much but what’s said is that she has changed me. I’ve become a person that I’m not proud of. She pushes and pushes and says the most horrible things and what’s worse -it rolls off her tongue as if it’s no big deal -agh, just divorce me please!!

        You are not married and you have no children. The love you have for this person will never be reciprocated (you truly are fooling yourself). Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone love you the way that you love? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a friend to talk to and love rather than a patient and someone you have to look out for, make excuses for; to your friends, family and worse yourself.

        I will not leave my wife for the sake of my children. I have thought as you did, I can make this person happy, I know it. Only to realize, nothing I will ever do will ever be good enough. No amount of forgiveness will ever suffice. You say the things he says are mean and degrading but that you can take it… Wait a few years and see if you don’t start slowly defending yourself, talking back and maybe taking action. Pretty soon you’ll see that you’re not as patient as you once were. You’ll see that you have changed and you’ll regret it. What’s worse is you’ll start to wonder when the good things for your sacrifice are going to come around only to realize they never will and you’ll be left sad and alone with-in yourself, only to start believing you’re the loser and piece of shit, she always said you were.

        Flo -please take you very sweet love and go…. Oh!!! What I would do with your love!!

    • Kurt October 31, 2009 at 4:29 am #

      Being the husband of a bipolar wife is the most difficult emotional journey I have ever traveled. I do so Love my darling my Love my wife. We are as I write separated by many thousands of miles. I am in California she in Buenos Aires where I lived with her for 3 years. I wonder about the Savior complex…I mean I have been asked so many times why I put my life in the situation I did and just what was it about my wife that I fell in Love with. Like so many of the posts here I fell in Love with the sweet person the dynamically talented passionate soul that I saw only flashes of during my 3 years in Argentina. I am so sad and equally unfulfilled because that real person only emerged like flashes of lightning in the night sky and disappeared just as quickly. I went to Argentina to close to her and her 8 year old angel of a daughter. I had little difficulty in the decision to set out on a journey abroad to build a family. I was lacking the wisdom I have gained only in the past 3 months of our separation, the understanding of bipolar and how to handle its furry. I in fact went in the boots of a man who profoundly believed that we all have the strength to overcome our emotional demons with the brute force of determination and the support of Love. I was so very very wrong. In my situation I found myself in a role of complete caretaker to my wife having for the entire 3 years the responsibility to carry all the domestic responsibility. I cooked cleaned payed the bills from my savings. I brought my wife her food in bed and took the dishes away after. It was a depression that lasted the entire duration I was with her. It really was the worst possible of circumstances for both of us. She as a bipolar person clearly needs treatment and medication in the appropriate amounts. Instead her Mother a psychologist arranged for her to receive medication delivered to our door from a local pharmacy with no prescription. These included benzodiazapines alprozalam lornazepam and clonaxepam. It was a shotgun approach to keeping her from suicide I believe due to the suicide of her mothers sister and father. I pleaded nicely and not so nicely for it to stop it never did. In the mean time I a person who never took any drugs before found myself also relying on the medications to sleep at night, I was so stressed out yet what a huge mistake to ever take something to help you sleep for a long period of time. The withdrawals have been so hard and I am just now getting clear. I also endured the violence I was punched so many times in my face I had several black eyes glasses thrown at me one hitting me in the head. She is 5’4″ I am 6’4″. No one saw me as a victim. She once called the Police which in Argentina is a dangerous in and of itself. They came to take me from my room where I had gone and often went to escape the struggle. I had guns pointed at me I was taken to a mental hospital where I was interviewed by a team of Psychiatrists who in short order found me not to be the problem and the Police returned me home. I never hit my wife but i am guilty of not controlling my reactions I shouted many times my protests sometimes in vile terms. I feel sorry for that I am human.

      Today we are separated I left 3 months ago because I just could not endure and because my savings were nearly depleted. We kept in contact for the first 2 months and after the revelation she was being promiscuous I told her in an attempt to hurt her I too had a woman friend in Buenos Aires. She is just a friend a good friend, I have never been unfaithful to my wife she denies ever being unfaithful to me. I have been in alot of distress for the past 4 weeks almost 5 now, she really freaked out about my friend, called me every name in the book said she was going to tell her daughter then took to many pills and ended up in a hospital. Since she has put up a wall she wont talk about “us” just wont connect with it. She says she is in a tranquil period of her life and I am intruding. I am not sure if the medication abuse continues I know she’s drinking some and is also taking lithium now.

      Anyone have some reinforcement for my decision to not divorce to be patient to wait until she cycles through. I want to use my new understanding of bipolar to support her in a treatment program. I feel I can forgive I have forgiven her for past deeds knowing clearly it is he bipolar personality not the real soul I Love. What to do…
      I am so hurt inside, I cant sleep very well I have the severe anxiety of a broken heart…yet my Love endures.

      Thank you all for helping me to understand I am not alone it is truly amazing how similar these stories are. I am reading all I need to know I did my best I need to know being patient and endure through Love is the right decision.

    • sean moore February 2, 2010 at 10:25 pm #

      well sean. my name is sean to im going through basically the same thing. ive been married to a women like this for 22 years almost and my wife went into one of those moods not that long ago an left me ran to a womans domestic violance shealter trying to get free asisstance and comfort from anyone but me im not really sure what happend she stopped taking her meds and our world was torn apart she ran away with my 12 year old daughter and left her 15 year old son here with me.he is severly disabled and not heard from his mother eather in 74 days ive tried to get my daughter back but there is nothing i can do until we are divorced. she is staying in a shealter in hasbersham georgia called circle of hope shealter. i just dont understand being married 22 years how she can just walk away and leave her family and me suffering people say its the bypolor but i just want to know others advice about my situation she has never been abused or mis treated i have given her my world i just dont get it. if you or anyone can give me any advice on this i would really appriciate it

      • kevin December 28, 2015 at 6:49 am #

        if there is no court order then just go get your daughter

    • lyn October 5, 2010 at 5:45 pm #

      wow , ive never read what ive felt perfectly describd like that. it can be so hard and the thoughts and feelings you experience are just so much. i understand both sides of this story. me and my husband have been together 4 yrs, its been realy hard at times, but we stuck it threw and after alot of talking and discussing how we feel we seem to be alot better. I’ve learned how to handle him and how to react and he has relized his falts and trys verry hard to keep in check. we have found what works for us. but both people have to be willing to comprimise not just the one. and you have to be strong. i wish you all the best of luck. im not the same person i was when i felt like you do, im stronger and more confident i hold my ground now too. patience is your best friend. wait till the anger has died down and try and discuss it rationaly. i dont know if this will help anny one but its what ive learned and its working great for now.

      • Jess April 30, 2013 at 12:12 am #

        I am going through this with my girlfriend. She decided to end things recently due to depression following a week of mania. I love her with all I am and do not want to give up on her. She needs help to get better. I miss her and was just wondering what to do. Thank you

        • Mike April 30, 2013 at 4:05 pm #

          If you want to help her you need to find a way to get her on medication and stay on it. If she won’t listen to you, as they normally will not listen to the person closest to them, then you need to talk to someone she trusts & explain the situation to them & see if they can make her see that she does need medication. My Bi-Polar wife of 21 years is now on Lamictal. It is an anti-seizure medication but the found that it works well for Bi-Polar. It is well tolerated by most people and USUALLY has little if any side effects. They also have generic for this drug so it is not very expensive. See if you can get her to a doctor & on Meds.

    • lyn October 5, 2010 at 5:49 pm #

      its nice to understand both sides of this. im glad i found this link. thank you.

    • Michele May 10, 2011 at 7:39 am #

      I know these feelings all too well. I love my man so much, as I know he does me. It’s an awful feeling not knowing how he will be each minute, hour, day, etc..I walk around on eggshells all the time. Afraid of what look I might give, what I might say or do wrong that is going to set off the disease and cause it to lash out at me. Lately, these episodes have been happening more and more often. I am very weak and vulnerable when he acts this way. I want to stick up for myself. I want to yell out at him that he needs some serious medical help, but I know I can’t. I know he’s got a disease, but how do I get him and the doctor to recognize and deal with the issue. I know it will have to be done a special way due to his disease, but how should I address it with him? I know him and I can go far if his disease was under control. I just wish I knew how to get it to the point of having it under control. Help me please!

    • try my shoes August 1, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

      well Sean,

      thats kool and everything that you do, but what goes on in our guyz head : saint or sinner. Im an ex-bf of a chick diagnosed with bi-polar. and man o man do i got it bad. let me trade some war stories. ok this one time she would not stop crying,’ i asked her ‘what do she need?’, ‘how can i make the crying stop?’ and the response i got was ‘i can feel everyone pain’ , ‘i never knew there was so much evil , ” someone came and took my heart out, so i’m not able to feel’, and WTF. one more: ok try this on for size,….she came knocking on my door. and needed a place to stay, and of course i let her in, given cause our past. but 1st day pass by kool, all she did was sleep. 2nd day started talking about some imaginary people and asked i can see them in this room and i said ‘bitch are you crazy, its juss me and you’..but kept going on and on .,..till bout the 4th day she still hasn’t tooken a shower, damm she fockin stank.,i was bout to drag her in the shower, but her excuse was ‘ o, my stomach hurt, the metamaterial people wont let me’ , and a bunch of other bs..,.but i’ve trying to get her to realixe that she is the only one who can help herself, cause she is the only one who can hear and see them.,,.i don’t know we have struggling with this going on for about 4 yrs.,.oh and she wont let me touch her or be sexual with her cause the insertants are raping and abusing her vagina,.dam can’t a fella get a BJ or something,.but we will she where she ends up,..????

    • Amy December 3, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

      Sean: I know you wrote this 3 years ago but I just came across this today as I am desperately searching for answers…..I have been involved with a man who I think may be bipolar for 2 years. It took awhile to get him to break down and start becoming closer to me. I eventually grew on him but once we crossed the line from friends to lovers, we literally break up a few times a month. He pushes me away. Pulls me back. I feel like a yoyo being tossed out and then rolling back up my string to him. Two weeks ago, we broke up. I stayed away, didnt call or text. Then after four days he texts me like nothing is wrong. Told me he loves me and that I never believe him when he says it. Told me he needs me and that we need to talk about our problems instead of walking away. Then after a few days back in the relationship, I start to see his moods shift. He seems ok at one point in the day then later on he seems distant and I feel like Im on eggshells because I dont know if its something about me or something I did because he seems like he doesnt want to be with me. He left to go out of state, as he is leaving he is upbeat saying I love you, Ill see you soon, etc….its been 3 days and I havent heard from him. I know he is alive because I sent him a text saying hope you made it safely, he replied saying he just pulled up to his destination. That was it. Everything seemed ok when he left. But his moods will shift from sweet, nice, kind, good natured to a total jerk, snapping at me and putting me down. We have never talked about his moods or that he could possibly have an illness. He is not on any meds that I am aware of. I am desperate to know if this is bipolar as I constantly blame myself. Im always wondering what I have done wrong. I spend a lot of time in tears because I miss my best friend. The sad shame is I love this man, we have such a connection until he changes and pushes me away. -Amy

      • Kari March 14, 2017 at 2:34 am #

        Hi everyone. I readed ur stories WOW!! u all went threw hell. I want to say, unmediated bad. And it was none of ur faults ok. U did your best as a human being can do. Its hard to love the one we love. I know I’m bipolar yes mediated. Yes, it’s an illness but, also it’s not cancer of the soul sorry. I was diagnosed when I was 16 teen so many years I was unmediated. Thank god I didn’t have someone at the time. I have been reading about this illness and I still don’t get it myself uh; u think I would since I’m bipolar. I do know I have hurt people in my passed and I hate the way I think. I’m with this man he is everything but, ya this illness had kicked me right in the ass. I have walked away from him to save him for WTF !! But, he keeps me coming back like he comes picks me up. He say he loves me but, I also have accused him for two years of cheating. Ya he told me he got used to it. I say wtf to that. I’m trying not to push him away. And trying to make it right to him. Idk way I do that to him he doesn’t want anybody else and ya he got no time to do it I know I work with him and seen what he does during the day. I guess I’m bipolar that don’t want to hurt my partner. Its now going for on the 3 year. I know I’m driving him nuts and I know he loves me but, I don’t want him to walk on eggshells to b with me not health at all. I go therapy really hate that. Let’s drag the past out that I’m trying to forgive myself and others I have hurt. To blow up because, here I going again to deal with that. Which we already dealt with. Me and him and I blow up at him ya not fun. Yes patience gose so far. I wish I could just make this gift or hell god had give to me to go away. so, I can b whatever is normal person. But thats never going to happen any time soon once again God thanks. I just wanted to let everyone know not all of us bipolar people r as bad what I got to read their is some us that r lawyers and college grade school students we want jobs and with work that we do on us to b balance as they say to b suspenseful people. We do fight with r own brains to think normally.

    • Terry December 4, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

      I didnt know anyone else is going through what i am. I feel like i am being punihsed. How can i love someone so much and always be in so much pain. They say be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. I am so sorry you are going thru this too

      • john February 7, 2013 at 4:39 am #

        terry ..3 months later iam still goin thru it…ive tried everything possible for her to listen,her family wont listen even so..she now hides herself from me…it eats me up

    • See_the_light December 10, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

      This is how I feel too…I am on the other side like you. Love him but get hurt and he doesn’t care. Its all about him. Started brain entrainment and Steve G Jones Hypnosis mp3’s when he has a fit so I take my mind of it and can let it go. It helps. x

    • Maria Castro December 29, 2011 at 6:27 am #

      I am bipolar and I have put my husband through this..(it’s better now that I’m on meds..). Thank you for posting this..it lets me see it from his side..

    • Dante February 21, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

      Sean it pains me in such a relieving manner to read your experience, it echos my life right now.
      I feel so embarrassed when my girlfriend explodes over so trivial things in front of people, i worry constantly, i feel my life is slowly being sucked up into the constant doubting of the good day we seem to both dream to catch.
      All i can say is talk to someone, tell your family so they will maybe try and understand and support you, listen to music and escape to that beach when she starts at you, keep telling yourself you love her and keep your strength Sean. None of this is your fault, keep trying to talk to her, calmly let her know how she makes you feel sometimes with out sounding like you are accusing her, try break down the walls she builds by reassuring her that your not the enemy. Keep strong Sean and dont push your friends and family away, they can help you. : )


    • delilah February 21, 2012 at 8:02 pm #


      I have got tears i my eyes, I am going through the same, allthough slight difference, my now ex, wel last week boyfriend acuses me of stalking him when I am more silent or go out for a walk or when I try figure out what´s wrong and make it allright. He says I am mentally ill or something, on the otherhand noone can call me, because all guys are only wanting to sleep with me, I feel totally isolated, I love him so much, and a week ago he said he doesn´t ever want to know of me again—- but we live in one house, and are building a bussiness , I have tought him so much about filmediting and sound, offer him half my salary so he has an opportunity to change jobs and not turn irregular stressfull nightshifts, I arranged for a shrink that got him on sick leave, but unfortunately he doesn´t take pills. Every fight and he says we always fight is my fault, though I never raise my voice only carefully discuss, but after two sentences he races off, leaves, and if I try to soothh him hell breaks loose, we were so iin love but he says one day I love you next day he will never be my boyfriend cause he can´t trust me, he believes I love him though, now I have to deal with him sleeping in other room, eating my meals, am taking care of the house, and all of sudden instead that he felt worthles a week ago, I lift him up and we were so close and day after he tells me he doesn´t want to see my fucling face every day, then he shuts me out of all festivities here carnaval and concerts, and I sit home alone, am in foreign country and don´t know many people, nowehere to go, I love him so, and am so scared he won´t turn back to love. He said you hurt me and then I have to push you away and next time I´ll leave all… now he is on a high I guess mixed mania, and has been going out 7 days untill 7 am morning, looking for food I prepaired and of to his room, I don´t know how to win back his trust I am since a week on tranquilizers not to feel the pain, and not let him see me cry…. all of sudden he turns back in work and wants to buy own editing equipment, as if planning to caculatinly to use my productions and the money and teachinng I give him to go on on his own, and just tolerate me for the time being,I am so scared,I never seen him such a long time like that,before there was allways quickly some kind of tenderness, worst his his best friend is now gry at me while before she was trying to help him and asked me about him nearly daily and now it feels like they are both against me, even my shrink says diffrernt things, I used to go with my bf because he can be very shy, and I spoke for him with him etc, he is ususlly very educated, but the hate and coldness, accusations etc, soooo much pain, and I can´t leave , we are in productions together, he thanks to me, and apartg I would fall apart right now and I can´t loose these jobs…
      when or what will him retrieve trust? how do I know whether he is really using me, he was always so helpfull and sensitive, please helpme, I am so confused and scared to loose all…. I can´t see the schrink before he will next friday so most likely can´t get him on meds before he returns to normal, , I am hanging in there every day but can´t concentrate on anything…. how do I act react,what do I do, I don´t want to loose him before he possibly his ready for meds, and try that….he was diagnose a few weeks ago, and now all of sudden shribk says ( he knew of breaking uplast wee) perhaps he isn´t bipolar, I guess because he felt he couldn´t giveme med info about other patient even though I was asked along both sides…. since this friend said how copuld you sit in on the sessions—-seems all is against me and I feel so alone…thank you for reading,

      much strenght! please some advice, but not willing ready yet to give up


      • Mike February 28, 2012 at 7:59 pm #

        I have been married to my wife, A bi-polar \ MPD individual for 20 years now. She has currently abandoned my for what is the fifth time. The first time was 18 years ago – a few months after our first child was born. I came home one day & her & our daughter were gone. She moved back home & eventually filed for divorce. She had nothing good to say about me and everything bad and went as far as accusing me of rape! I contacted some of her close Christian friends who spent time with her and eventually, between their help & the medication she decided to come home. Two years later when our second child was born everything went to crap again. Several months later she finally came around. For several years things were very unstable. I had to go to work to try & pay the bills & I did not know if she would be there when I came home or not. She got into counseling which did help quite a lot. Things were good for several years. Then a year ago right before Christmas of 2010 she took off again, rented an apartment & said she was not coming back. She had recently changed meds before this as the Lithium was causing her creatine level to increase and there was concern about kidney damage. Well 3 months later she came back. Thought things were good to stay and now about a month ago she left again & once again rented an apartment with a full year lease. I am a Christian & believe in giving un-conditional love. It takes a lot of love, patience & understanding to stay with a bi-polar individual. It breaks my heart to hear all the horible things she says & thinks about me when I feel I have been a very good husband to her. I keep trying to remind myself that she cannot help it and I know that she has a heart of gold when she is well. Just sometimes do not know how much more of this I can take. It is not fun being abandoned and “Deserted” and it is grounds for divorce. I feel like I should be out looking for a wife as I feel that I do not have one. Gets very confusiing sometimes & not sure what is the right thing to do. For now I shall be patient for a while & see what happens. Not sure what I will do if she does not return in the next few months. For you & anyone going through this I very much sympathize with you – it is not easy.


        • frank strachan May 25, 2017 at 10:38 pm #

          Thanks Mike. Same here. What to do? I curse my love for this woman. Maybe time to jump ship, however, hard it is.

        • Mike May 26, 2017 at 12:25 am #

          You are welcome Frank. My post that you replied to was 5 years ago. I am still married to my bipolar wife (over 25 years now). She is on medication though which makes it somewhat manageable but there are still days & months that are very difficult. For me I don’t let leaving be an option, though I can understand anyone who doesn’t want to stay in such a relationship. I guess it all depends on if you can tough it out through the bad times and if the good times are worth hanging in there through the bad times.

    • Tim February 27, 2012 at 1:05 am #

      I understand. I have dated a bi-polar woman for 3 months now, and I understand how it feels to be at the receiving end of the ups and downs, and felt the raw anxiety that comes from the worry about her episodes. If you consider a relationship with a BP person, read as much as you can about BP and give yourself some tools to deal with problems that will arise. Have a support group for yourself. Could the relationship work out? Yes, maybe it could. From what I have read however, 90% of marriages with a BP partner end in divorce so if the relationship doesn’t work out as well as you hoped, or wanted, don’t blame yourself or feel guilty about it not working out if you did your best. best wishes– Tim

    • jenny wagner April 1, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

      my husband is bipolar too,and let me tell ya i know its not easy. he however is trying to get treatment. just dont know if i am strong enough to go through this any more. i feel more days then not that i am not really loved by him. he yells all teh time it feels like. then if i am lucky to get a good day in its usually over spending on crap we dont need but i do it cause im with him and we are smiling and saying nice things to one another. then the next day its back to this shit again. i think about divorce alot, then i think about how much i love him and what it would do to our kids. just dont know what to do any more.

      • alex June 27, 2012 at 9:20 pm #

        hi my name is alex ive recently strarted a relationship with a woman who has bipolar she was open and honest from the start of it but i feel really helpless im there when she wants to talk and that but it wearing me down to the extent where im getting stressed out over it i nw she cnt help it as it not her fault just at times it really hard a part of me says walk away but a bigger part of me says stay every time i see her we still have that sparkle in our eyes from when we first met and still get butterflies i really want to b there and support her but im scared of weather id cope long term she is a geniune girl and has a big heart but if we are in a pub together and she sees friends it like im not there several times ive been there and she treid flirting with some one else and i politly say to them that she has a bf and to ignore it even her friends have said im mad for staying ith her but im smittenn and think it will be hard to walk away ok it been 4 months between us just days go by and i wonder what sort of text im going to get today at times she texts saying it over then the nxt im getting them saying she loves me which then really confuses me i just dont now if it me doing something wrong or if it the bd

      • empty October 14, 2012 at 7:51 am #

        save yourself, save your kids, mine are begging me to leave their bi polar torturer

    • gnosis444 July 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

      wow, I read your post and am filled with the same emotions. Your witting is great. Keep writing and believe that pushing back and giving space especially in this case is the best thing to do for yourself,

    • Heather November 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      This is abuse. Either she needs to woman up and see a counselor. Or you need to distance yourself. Stand up for yourself. Who gives a shit if it “escalates”. She needs to know that she is not your boss, she is testing your limits everyday, she needs to be put back into place. Stand your ground and tell her how you feel. Regardless of any mental illness she may have, she knows exactly what she is doing. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

      • Davis August 18, 2017 at 11:01 pm #

        With a attitude like that, its no wonder mental illness is at a all time high. I hope you never become metaly ill. Someone will be cleaning up brain matter off the walls.

    • cs March 2, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

      I am new to this…I was googleing and came across this site. I recently started dating a guy who I used to know along time ago. We seemed to hit it off pretty good, great conversation. He asked me out, and the date was awesome. He told me about the girls he had in the past were real pieces of art if you know what I mean. He said he can be self-destructive at times and ruins things. We’ve shared lots of private details about eachother. He told me how he has had panic attacks and that the last one scared him. This was on the 4th date, and he said he might as well tell me, after doing so he began to cry. I held his hand and hugged him for comort. I think that’s when I knew…I did end up having sex with him that night, stayed over and left the next morning. I was a lil uneasy of how things may turn out (never seeing eachother again) but I tried to play it cool. After all, I did like this guy. We continued to see eachother and it was really nice. He’d tell me his friends would tease him about me, you know “oh he’s in love, or he’s with his girlfriend” stuff. One time I made him dinner at my place and he dicided to not only stay over that night but an extra one. I was like cool…Same thing two weeks ago, he asked me out to dinner, I stayed the night, got up and he came home with me and stay 2 nights. So 3 nights all together. I was really comfortable, seemed like he was too.The last morning the conversation got weird, complicated. I said I don’t want to be friends with benefits, he said it didn’t seem like that to him. I told him I want to see him more, he got really cold. He said he feels like I have to have my way or that was it.Like as if I was giving him an ultamatium. His voice got stern. I was confussed. I went to the restroom and cried, I didn’t know what was going on.Anyway, I sat him down and asked him what was going on. I told him I was probably different from the other girls, meaning I wasn’t on drugs or alcahol, how ever they were. He said yeah you not, I push all the right people away and hold on to the bad ones. I told him not to push me away and I still want to see him. So not till the next day we chatted briefly thru text. Later that night he was out with some buddies and had been drinking. He calls and asked if I was going to cut him out of my life like I had all of my ex’s( I do this because being friends after a relationship/sex is too weird for me, I can’t seperate the two). I told him no, I don’t want to. He asked again, same thing, same response. He then asked if I loved him, I didn’t want to say “no” but I didn’t want to lie and say yes. So I replied and said not yet. Shortly after that he said “I’m bipolar” I asked if he had been drinking he said yes but he knew what he was talking about. He then said I love you twice then told me his mom say’s he falls in love too quickly. Finally we got off the phone. Not till about 3 days later did I hear from him. The first text was…life sucks then you die, I asked if he was okay. I heard that saying was from a twillight movie which he despises. Later on that night he was with friends again, calls and say’s not sure of how you feel about me would you like to see me. I said yes, afterall I really took a liking to this guy. I wasn’t sure when he asked how I feel about him was referring to the last weird convo we had in person, the bipolar thing, if I was going to cut him out of my life, do you love me, I love you or because I didn’t say I love you he was embrassed…Anyway, so we just went out again, he said I seemed different. I just told him I was kinda hurt about him pushing me away etc. We did have sex and again he said I love you. Once while in the begining and the last time afterward while holding me. I again did not say it back. I spent the night like I have, then got ready and went to work. I have text him but he has again been really cold and short. I said if we could hang out and he said he wasn’t sure. Finally last night I decided just to call him after hours and hours of thinking…I really do like this guy. Yes it has been a little over a month but I do feel a connection with him when he’s not distant. I feel as if I am falling for him. So I called…he didn’t pick up( 2:30) in the morning, I didn’t expect him to. But I just said I was thinking about him,thought I’d take my chances and call, haven’t really heard from him too much and just wanted to let him know I really do like him, and I do hope to see him soon. So I guess that sums it up in a nut shell….Pretty big nut shell huh? Sorry so long, but I just don’t know what to do, I care for this guy.A part of me wants to just drive to his house and tell him “look your not gonna push me out of you life, I care about you and just hold him. I wanna know what is going on, I wanna be there for him. Any advice?

    • rebeccawyne (@rebeccawyne) August 18, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

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    • Francis August 23, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

      This just described the situation I am living in. Felt like I wrote it myself. I am very appreciative that you shared. You wrote it 5 years ago now and I hope things worked out for you in the end.

    • pg August 14, 2014 at 9:21 am #

      Dear Sean, I’m also a husband like you. Pls help me with a particular advise? After an episode I have sent my wife to her home. After a nasty argument and I also happens to slap her at the peak of her manic state. Its frustrating. Is it the right thing for me NOT talking with her for couple of months in order to teach her a ‘lesson’ ? Pls advice?

    • Michael November 10, 2014 at 1:10 am #


      My god for myself and looks like so many other people here as well you have just described everything all there..

      I know your post is a few years old now and you probably don’t come back here but heres hoping!!!

      I myself have been involved with a bipolar type2 woman who i madly adore but is so damn impossible to get along with!

      its been almost 2yrs now since we have met and now (well depends what day I check) are engaged one minute looking at wedding venues and the following getting chucked out of the house we share…

      She has 2 kids 5,7 and i have 2 kids 12,14 .. I’m always willing to share the load and to try and make things like a ‘normal family’ we met a month after she walked out from her husband etc… yeah i know the rebound thing has been mentioned a lot and quite honestly maybe thats all i was to her and instead of being there to get over her grieving process maybe its just dragged on far too long..

      anyways sorry getting sidetracked… I’m always willing to help out with her kids with daily things BUT when it comes to me having my own kids (every 2nd weekend) she doesn’t say boo to them… how can a ‘blended family’ work when one tried and the other just wants nothing to do with anything regarding mine.

      my daughter sent my partner a Facebook message saying hi but never got any replied .. several were sent and my daughter figured ‘ok she’s not replying so ill delete her so I’m not bugging her’ THIS is when things get out of hand…… my partner completely spins out and lashes out with ‘why doesn’t your daughter like me’ ‘deleting from Facebook is very extreme etc etc… maybe I’m getting old but WTF ! who gives a damn about Facebook!!! anyways because of this its been dragging on for weeks this FB drama but I’m trying to keep the peace by trying to explain everything has been blown outta proportion but its just getting worse… this past weekend it was time to have my kids again and funny enough waking up in the morning was ‘don’t talk to me don’t even be around me!!!’ so she grabs her kids and buggers off for the morning…. an hour later ‘make sure you’re not home as i need to come home’ so i thought this was the last straw and packed mine and my kids clothes and stayed at my parents place for the weekend… 2 days later we have been communicating and slowly it seemed she’s snapped out of her mood until a recent phone call and what do you know this damn Facebook thing gets mentioned AGAIN and ends up hanging up on me…..

      sorry if this isn’t making much sense and or boring most of you .. i just really do not know what to do anymore and was wondering if anyone out there had suggestions on how to handle a very much loved bipolar!! but at the same time holding onto their own sanity!! :-\

      when things are great they are heavenly but when its bad its the nastiness and hatred that comes out of her which is soul destroying…..

      head says get over her but the heart says otherwise… 😦

      desperately waiting for advise 😦

      • Tea November 27, 2014 at 9:08 pm #

        Hi, Michael, I went thru a very similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He is 15 yrs older than I am & does not believe in taking meds. In the beginning our relationship was heaven then every couple months he would end things & after a few days we would get back on track. In June we broke up after our vacation together, since then, I’ve been trying to contact him to talk but all I get is avoidance, yelling, blaming & hateful things being said. He won’t see me & refuses to have a mature convo. He just says that I f#‰&&led it up & I am to blame. I know 100% I did nothing to warrant this. I am hurt beyond measure. Each day my strength goes toward trying not to break down into tears before I get home or in the privacy of my car. We talked of building a life together but now I know it will never happen. Now he totally ignores all my attempts at communication. He did not call on my birthday nor today on thanksgiving. This situation is not good for the SO. It breaks down your self esteem & it tears your heart to shreds. I know I deserve better. I want someone who can realize they need help & know that as their partner I am there to love & help. If a person is not willing to at least try to attain balance in their life, then in my opinion, they really only care about themselves & they are content on letting the disorder win. When they are residing within their “ego” there is truly nothing we can do.

        Good Luck!

    • Zac December 25, 2014 at 2:41 am #

      women don’t use logic or actually think about shit when they are upset. only thing that matters is the emotion they feel at that particular moment. in your head your trying to logically come to a conclusion and an agreement so you ask what’s wrong, and you rationalize out all these points. but it makes it worse cause everything that you are telling them about reality contradicts the emotion they feel inside. so you become the enemy by simply trying to fix things because she feels like you don’t understand them, and then the argument starts. The wall of ice that you just tried to melt ends up becoming a fucking glacier. I’ve learned to just retreat and let the lioness cool down, you can come back when her hormones aren’t raging and then she may just apologize when you talk about it rationally. but BE VERY CAREFUL to let her come to that conclusion, you cannot insinuate that any part of it was her fault. welcome to a women’s head. it’s a real maze, but with patience a way through can be found. my girlfriend of three years and mother of my child tells me that all girls are fucking crazy, it just depends how much crazy you can take. good luck!

    • Reza Ezra January 13, 2016 at 8:03 am #

      You sound like a true beautiful soul. I have a bipolar boyfriend. He won’t take lithium. It’ll never work.

    • Heather January 17, 2016 at 9:17 am #

      I was totally just thinking the daisy analogy this morning to myself. One day my partner loves me and I’m wonderful. And other days she thinks I’m the enemy and is saying horrible things about me to other people. Sometimes I don’t even know what I could have done to provoke her. Sigh.

    • Magnolia January 23, 2016 at 10:02 pm #

      Wow. This is my life in reverse. I want to so badly just pick up and go. The hurtful things brought up from the past. Events that occurred 13 years ago, my ex from HS (almost 30 yrs ago). brought up. Hurtful unkind things said about myself, my character. I know I’ll die early. Not because I want to but because living with this person has taken a massive toll on my well being. He is a prince, kind and wonderful. Generous and hard working and when it’s ugly it’s 10x uglier than it is good. It’s been a rollercoaster until this pat year when we finally had a diagnosis. When it’s unbearable it’s the worst.

      This is the first story from anywhere that has moved me enough to comment.

    • frank strachan May 25, 2017 at 10:01 pm #

      Thank you! to here the same as I go through is great. I curse my love for this woman daily. Have you found a solution?

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  2. Mogo January 8, 2008 at 11:32 pm #

    “She won’t go to a doctor. The problems are all me, ya know.”

    yeah. see, if that mentality had kept up with us, I’d be long gone by now.

    there’s only so much the S.O. in these situations can – or should be expected to – take.

  3. thordora January 9, 2008 at 7:40 am #

    Sean, get her to a doctor, somehow. Wear her down.

    I see so much of myself, as I was, in what you wrote that it makes me want to cry. How I could inflict that on someone else….

    With a new baby around, it’s even harder, on both of you. If she’s not getting enough sleep, she’ll be even worse, and you’ll be too tired to stand up to it all.

    You’re worth more than that. If she won’t change to be an equal partner, than you do need to put yourself, and your child first.

    ugh. How I don’t envy you there. We’ve been there.

    • LeeAnn November 13, 2011 at 9:15 pm #


      I’m messaging you because you seem to have had a bit more consistency on this site when it comes to regular posts. Is there anyone monitoring this site anymore? I see a few people have left posts but no responses have been made.

      Thank you!

  4. nyjlm January 9, 2008 at 11:09 am #

    Reading Thordora’s post, I didn’t feel quite so alone in how I have acted towards my husband. Reading Sean’s response- I feel almost gut-punched. I’m so sorry Sean, and I’m so sorry to my own spouse. A lot of good has come out of my work in therapy, and realizations I’ve had- but being open with my spouse still takes effort. I didn’t even realize how much I shut him out for so long. I’ve been in therapy for years- and yet only in 2007 did anyone ever say: you have generalized anxiety disorder. And only then did I understand certain ways I’ve acted.
    I hope that your wife will get the help she needs so that you two can move forward as a couple.

  5. Caitlin January 10, 2008 at 1:38 am #

    I think it’s hard knowing that all your partner has to do be free of daily bipolar issues is to just walk away, and you can’t escape it. I guess maybe it’s easier to give them a push out the door if you really believe they’re just going to leave in the end. My ex fiance is bipolar and a couple of years after he had been diagnosed, he started having severe self esteem issues and would rarely leave the apartment. When I left, he would always get upset and worry I was going out to see a secret lover, when in reality I was going to work or class. I never knew what I was going to come home to after work or class.

    I guess it took another couple of years for him to completely stop caring about trying to deal with his bipolar and actively attempting to sabotage our relationship. Nothing was ever his fault; it was always the bipolar “making” him do it. There’s not much you can do about someone who refuses to try to deal with their bipolar. You’d have to be a saint to live with someone who knew they had bipolar and refused to even try to work at keeping it at bay.

    He was a really nice guy before he let stopped trying. Every once in a while, I’d see the guy he was before the bipolar completely took over and it just made me want to fight harder for him, which made him push me away more. It’s been about 6 years since the breakup, and he’s in pretty much the same place he was then. He’s not happy to be there, but doesn’t seem to care about changing things either. I suspect that would be the same regardless of my presence.

    • Rita July 5, 2013 at 1:23 am #

      Hello to all, thanks for your experiences. I was starting to think I was the only one.. I have been in my relationship for 15 years. We have lived together in the past .. He has been diagnosis with bioplar disease. Unfortunately he will not take any medication.. He is a highly educated individual who is dual diagnosis, but he is to smart for his own good. Our first 5 years were great…he was a little different but I thought it was because of his childhood…mother was an drug addict .. He was left from place to place and endured a lot drama. He was a great man and step dad to my children. We were best friends it was until his best friend passed away that I started noticing some changes. We would have conversation than the next day he would not remember them…than we would argue because I didnt understand what was going on. He wouldn’t leave and be gone for days..come back like nothing had happened. Than it started happening more and more. Than I notice it was worse at certain times of the year.. He would isolate. He has been hospitalized a few times. The last time he did get some what better. But he never stop drinking nor would he take the medication she this just. Increased the problems. I call when he is having a episode that the other person is invcontrol and they don’t like me. Because mean and hurtful things are said doing that time. When he is well and things are good he is the perfect guy. But my lord when t the bad time comes he has hurt me to the core.. Can’t explain how much hurt this man has cause me. Didn’t understand just now learning not to take it personal because I use to wonder why would you treat the only person who try to help you in this manner. I have been on pause so many times. No communications for not just days , weeks , but sometimes months at a time. I describe it as when your watching a movie and you put it on pause to go do whatever and when you come back you start the movie a the point where you paused it . That is exactly what he does no matter how long it has been he comes back like nothing has every happen even though it has been 6 months and he dont realize that time has past. I Love this man he is everything I want in a relationship or a husband he has been their for me doing some my difficult time like the lost of my dad. Well am on pause again now.. Because he lost his Grandmother recently and he has shut me off again..even though I was the person who helped him clean out her apt arraigned the funeral service….and anything else he needed me to do… I have always been there but nothing is never enough. I am to blame for everything. This is an horrible disease and it has destroyed the life of many beautiful people

  6. shea January 17, 2008 at 1:18 am #

    I am a husband on the other side too.
    This is a good post.

  7. Gail January 23, 2008 at 1:13 pm #

    Sean –

    Maybe I should try my hand at writing these feelings out. I read your post and was nodding the entire time. My husband is cycling again. It was a very long night. He drinks so much, he smokes, yet he says he won’t take meds to feel better because he doesn’t want to “put that crap” in his body. I’ve gotten better at handling some of the swings after 13 years of marriage but it NEVER gets easier. It takes a very strong person to not take what they say personally. To not feel as though you’ve been punched in the gut or hit by a truck. He doesn’t really mean the things he is saying. Typically, the next day, he doesn’t even remember half of what he said. I would take pussy anyday. I can’t stand “f’ing bitch”. His favorite phrase: “shut the f up”. God, I’m so sick of it.

    We separated for 11 months. I just could not take it any longer. I was really happy for about 9 of those months and then my nice husband started to come back. I took him back in, despite his bi-polar disorder. Regardless of the fact that I knew he could not stay “nice” for long. Now, whenever he cycles I just try to sit back and wait for the storm to pass. I don’t think it’s fair to me or my kids, but don’t see many other options.

    At least your post has made me realize that not everything is my fault. Apparently some of it is yours too.

    Sorry. Can’t resist covering my turmoil with a little bad humor.

    Hang in there. We are not alone.

  8. thordora January 23, 2008 at 1:27 pm #

    oh Gail…..I’m so sorry you have to deal with this-you and Sean and Mogo and all of those who love those of us with bipolar.

    But you can’t fix them, and maybe your only answer IS to move on. I was resistant to drugs for a long time until finally I realized I did NEED them. With the support of my husband, I got help and now-we’re happy.

    I wish both of you some of that happy.

  9. bipbap January 23, 2008 at 2:10 pm #

    “I don’t think it’s fair to me or my kids, but don’t see many other options.”

    See, this is why I feel like I shouldnt even bother being a relationship or trying to become a parent. I dont want my partner saying this about me and my disorder.

  10. michael January 23, 2008 at 2:20 pm #

    i’m on the target side.
    and i am more than glad and relieved to have read your post…

    despite so many words of encouragement from friends and family, i am still not completely convinced that i’m not the guilty one here.

    i keep writing in my notebook: ‘give her love…..remember she wants someone to take care of her and be there for her emotionally…..’

    i don’t trust her.
    STEP1 – get me aroused…
    STEP2 – walk away…
    STEP3 – the next day tell me she’s not happy because i don’t take care of her…

    she calls me an idiot, retarded, stupid…all kinds of stuff.
    it hurts my heart physically. i tell her but she doesn’t know it.
    I could say or do ONE TINY INSIGNIFICANT thing she doesn’t like, or even say something in jest, and for the next hour or more, she will just go off on me like i destroyed her world.
    then she’ll call a friend to pick her up because, she says, ‘you am causing panic attacks in me’.

    I am trying to do for me. But because of her constant barrage of to-do lists, I can’t.

    I wish I could be more of a man I guess. She says ‘you don’t step up and be the man for me….you don’t get things done…’

    for now…i almost know where she’s coming from.
    but .. i wonder how long i can live with a partner that is trying to kill me emotionally so that she may feel temporarily relaxed and stisfied with herself.


  11. Gail January 23, 2008 at 3:51 pm #

    Mike – I wish I knew the answer. I did leave. My kids and me lived alone for 9 months and it was calm. Quiet. Relaxed. Drama-free. The “I know he’s not doing this on purpose” only goes so far. Regardless, living without did me no good either. The fact is I love him. It is so difficult to punish the good guy for the bad guys behavior. He did not do well out on his own either. I realize it is not my responsibility to take care of him, but I still want to be there for him. One time, one of the kids asked me if I couldn’t just MAKE him take his medicine. I can’t, it’s not my place. Trust me when I tell you I understand about saying something in jest that is suddenly misconstrued…even though the same statement out of his mouth less than 24 hours prior was perfectly acceptable. I made a conscious decision to let my husband move back in and have tried to change how I REACT to these situations. Unfortunately, I’m human too and cannot always control what I am feeling. Allow yourself to be human Mike.

  12. Gail January 23, 2008 at 4:45 pm #

    Bipbab – I don’t know what to tell you. Unfortunately, most people can’t completely ignore bad behavior. I have a bi-polar friend who will not have kids for the same reasons. Maybe you can be lucky enough to find someone who understands, respects and tolerates. Had I been fully aware of the mental status, I’m not so sure I would have made the same decisions. But, then again, I was given an opportunity for an “out” and didn’t take it. And Thordora – sorry, I can’t and won’t move on. That’s about the very last thing any of us need.

  13. thordora January 23, 2008 at 5:04 pm #

    Gail-you may then be up for punishment for a very long time. I don’t envy you what’s to come-I’ve been the person walking all over my partner and not caring. And it’s true that “just deal with it-it’s not their fault” doesn’t fix what amounts to abuse.

    You love him-it’s obvious. But is it healthy for you or your children?

    I’m not saying leaving is the right answer. But you deserve your life back. No one deserves what a bipolar can do.

    • empty October 14, 2012 at 8:02 am #

      my children are scared to have kids, becuase they do not want to become their father, and two of them look very likely to have it too, one already refuses help, i fear for her future

  14. Gail January 23, 2008 at 5:21 pm #

    least of all the bipolar. you are very strong for speaking up.

  15. Marta January 27, 2008 at 3:55 am #

    I take some comfort in reading your messages. Thanks. I’m the girlfriend on the other end of what seems like a continuous roller coaster. And once again, I find myself, wondering how long I can hang on for the ride. How much love and caring is enough? Is it ever enough? I love my boyfriend dearly, but I am so tired. I never know what to expect. I thought once we made it through the last major depressive episode and he got back on lithium last winter that things would stabilize. And, for a while they did. But the anger still comes, and the hurtful words, and the drinking–less often–but it’s still incredibly hard. And, then I feel guilty for wondering if I should just give up. I try each time to stick with it and tell him that I love him and that I’m there for him, but some of the words he fires back sting so badly that I can hardly stand it. And, sometimes in the moment I start to forget that I’m dealing with bipolar and I feel selfish for thinking it would just be so much easier to let him go. At some point, do you just give up? How do you know what to do or say? I never know how he might take even the smallest thing I say or do. I try to tell myself that it will all pass, but I’m only human. At some point don’t you have to also take care of yourself? I’m not expecting anyone to have the answers, but sometimes hearing from others brings me back to reality. Gail–thanks for the line about changing how you REACT. It seems that is probably the key.

    • See_the_light December 11, 2011 at 12:18 am #

      Its not what you say its the thoughts in his head. You can say the same thing a day later and he might find it funny. I have tried to not say anything or not respond and get the blame for that as well. He would tell me today how much he loves me and how great we are together and tell me tomorrow our relationship was never functioning and that I need serious help (never him). He would tell me how much he loves me in one hour and that he wants to move away because I am crazy. I am not crazy but many times I get confused about who is the one creating these thing. I have now learnt to see signs days before it happens in his behaviour and eyes and ask him to go away for a few days. It has helped us a lot.

    • Thamamaria June 15, 2012 at 3:13 am #

      Me..he just left last night and i give up:(

  16. Laura January 28, 2008 at 12:18 am #

    ‘Switch to radio two’ is the phrase most commonly used in our house in regards to my mum. Living with someone, with Bi-polar is something that you can’t understand unless you have been or are going through it. The physical and emotional abuse that you go through is tremendous, but what also does get to is the affect it has on her, how it must make her feel, now I personally am the type of person that needs to be in control, so having a illness, more to the point mood swings that you cant control, i just wouldn’t know how to cope.
    Now my parents have been together 19 long years, 19 years tomorrow in fact. In that time I’ve lost count as to how many times the word ‘divorce’ has been thrown around, if I had £5 for every time my parents argued I’d be a rich girl. Sure every married couple argue, but you know when mum is having abit of a turn she has a look about her, we call it the all emotions look, and we know when she has this look about her she’s edging for a fight, we tread on egg shells until it’s passed.
    When I talk about ‘we’ I refer to myself and my dad. We’re an average family to anyone, in the street you’d notice nothing different about us, but what goes on behind closed doors is obviously another matter.
    I think what I bring to the table, this blog, is another perspective, the kids, of those affected by Bi-Polar. I’m a 17 year old girl. I have been called all the names under the sun. From b**ch, to references of regret of my existence. Hearing your mum tell you with a look of hatred in her eyes that she wished she’d never had you, is truly something that I will never get over.

    I feel for her, i know she loves me more than anything in this world. And when she’s not ill i have my mum, the sweet, intelligent and kind lady, that likes to bake and likes gardening. But as soon as she turns ill, I try my best to switch off. However much she makes me cry makes me angry, that she could even consider thinking some of the things she comes out with.

    At the end of the day, she is still my mum, and that’s what I’m thinking every time she says something hurtful.
    That’s how I cope each day. That person will still be your mother, father, sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. How you deal with it is entirely up to you.

  17. Gail January 28, 2008 at 1:17 pm #

    There you go Laura, it’s about how you deal with it. How you “react”.

    I’m so sorry Marta. There is no good answer or fair solution. I left. It didn’t work. It takes a very strong person to live with a bi-polar. If you do not think you can take it, then don’t. Go out and live your life. I tried, but unfortunately was too attached. I’ll never leave my husband over this illness. I feel a lot worse for him than I do for me.

  18. Marta January 28, 2008 at 11:13 pm #

    Thanks for the words of wisdom. I’m just riding this cycle out. I’ll have to say I must have been incredibly exhausted the other night because that’s really the first time I’ve ever thought of giving up. What’s the hardest thing for me is that it isn’t me that leaves, it’s him. It’s the same story every six months or so, “I can’t love you. I don’t know how. I can’t be with you. I can’t be with anyone.” And then he’s gone. Sometimes for a few days. Sometimes for a week. And I’ve always been there when he returns. I, too, have a really hard time imagining leaving him just because he has an illness. God, I certainly hope no one would leave me for that reason. And I truly thing it tortures him on some level when he is trying so hard to slow his mind down and figure out what is going on. I’m so afraid that sometime he is going to leave and that will be that. But, then I guess I’ll deal with that if it happens. It’s so hard to wish that by loving someone and caring for someone that it can fix it. Because I know on some level; that isn’t true. But I have to tell myself and believe that by being there–no matter what–I’m at least making it a little better.

    • Bella January 29, 2010 at 9:02 pm #

      Marta, I have been searching for something, anything to hang on to, as I am going through my first experience of a manic episode with my boyfriend who has been diagnosed with bipolar for 15 years. We have had an amazing year, and I have never known him as either depressed or manic, he has always been sorted and we’ve had an amazing connection and mutual support, as you do in a healthy relationship, until the last few weeks. He is now in hospital going through a manic episode. A few days into it he ended our relationship! I was so confused, hurt and upset, as we are a very strong couple, and were, right up until he became ill…I don’t know what to expect or think. All I know is that I love him and will be here for him. But, what does the future hold for our relationship?? Is finishing the relationship a common behaviour within a manic episode? Will he question his decision when he is back to reality? He is so convincing at the moment, which is understandable because he truely believes what he is saying and thinking, but it has just come out of nowhere? I am torn between, wanting to support him through this and looking after myself because it is hurtful being reminded that we are now ‘good friends’ when he introduces me to someone…He is also hanging out with people who are not his friends and will probably regret when he is down from this adventure. I suppose it was inevitable we were going to go through this together at some point, but I always thought he would allow me to go through it with him and not finish it a few days into it…Anyway I am repeating myself now, but just feel I would benefit from someone who has had experience either of having bipolar themselves or a partner who has. Thank you!!

      • subversive1 March 19, 2010 at 1:16 am #

        Well im a male in the exact situation only she’s not in hospital, she’s out and about, This is about the 5th in 6yrs & after every one i too thought as you do, but in my case, i get on contact after an episode, if i try txting, phoning, leaving notes, Nothing!
        I just don’t exist in her world, then she slips into a long depression sometimes 3mths at a time.
        Then she’ll come out and back to her old self, the girl i fell in love with, she comes over my place crys on my shoulder and we start the merry go round all over again!
        But what can ya do, I love her with all my heart, well she is intelligent, funny, beautiful, like knockout beautiful and a great cook, plays guitar, piano, very talented and modest, yet once there’s an episode she’s miss know it all, always right….. looks right thru me like i’m trash…. Im seriously thinking of ending it this time, it’s too testing on my health… i have to start looking after no1 me!!! It’s just so frustrating!!!

        • frank strachan May 25, 2017 at 11:00 pm #

          Right there with you!

  19. Marre January 29, 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    Hi all,
    I’m not bi-polar alltogether but am ADHD, and as an effect of that become really similar to bi-polar in some of my behaviors, sometimes. II mess things up, I read people wrong, I get paranoid, worried and all sorts of confusing feelings at once sometimes. Easily disturbed and overwhelmed, and can get incredible angry and enourmously dark/depressed (big black hole) as well as frantic and really hyper. (etc…)

    It has made it really difficult to manage relationships due to this, for me. Damn, its hard to understand and manage even myself. Self control and such, is very very hard. I’m 27 years old, and have had this problem all my life. But it was first this summer I was given understanding of my ADHD, didnt know what it was that I “had” before. Just that I was different, and had so much more struggles with “simple” things than people around me. But now when Ive started to learn what ways I differ. I am so thankful to have found your discussion here, it has given me “new clues” about what a bitch I can be, about how different it appears to those who has to receive it than from how it feels inside of me.

    Somehow, when I’m bad, and deep inside know I’m behaving bad, it’s as if I know that I don’t really mean all those bad words and thoughts, but cant help that they come out, becasue it “seems” right to say it in the moment. It seems so “true”, only – it isn’t. Its me being paranoid, getting things wrong, and simple having a mood swing, coloring the world (and people) in darker colors than it/they deserves. I get over those moments really fast, and get back to my normal fun, simple ways. Then I see the people and the world as “normal” colors again.

    What I really want to thank you all here for, is my new understanding about how my beloved ones feel when I behave like this. (everything gets focused on me so often and Im sick of it myself, I dont mean to be a drama-queen in the family, simply hate it but so far havent ben able to help it).

    The thing is, I guess I’ve always thought that others also understand deep inside that I dont really mean those things when I say bad things or act out – or as I also do, withdraw completely from everyone. I thought they could know that its just my head running wild sometimes, messing things up. I get so scared and confused those times, my head is so busy with the inner chaos that my body dont know how to act.

    But I realize just now that they dont know. They really really dont. And that feels good, I can see myself in another way. From the outside view. I have never understood, really, how incredible hard it must be to be the “respondant” of that behavior. How confused my earlier boyfriends must have been, since my ways changes so fast. Walking on egg chells, really, as you said earlier. I am also feeling that shame and hopelessness mentioned, about settling down, starting a family. I’m sort of scared by my own ways. I try to be good all the time, but sometimes I just become someone else. Like turning into a wolf in the moonlight, almost…

    So all the bad behavior…It doesnt only scare the people around me, it scares me too, because inside of it all, there is a really little and lonely girl, in really deep need of trust and love. And I’m such a caring person when good, so I dont want to create drama and sadness for people around me. So I am holding of any thoughts of family, until I get more control over my own ways.

    But as I said, sites like this one, really helps to se oneself from an outside view. Really good. Thanks to you all!

  20. Gail January 30, 2008 at 1:23 pm #

    The storm has passed at my house. For now. We always know that a new one will be brewing on the horizon. But, for now, he is back to being my husband. Loving, considerate, and sorry for the things he has said. God, it is so gut wrenching sometimes. Again, I feel so much worse for my husband. He is the one with the dark clouds in his head and I can’t imagine the fear and confusion. Stay strong people!

  21. Marta January 30, 2008 at 10:05 pm #

    Apparently, many of us have gotten quite good at weathering the storms. I think we’re all so much stronger than we realize. It’s damn difficult loving someone who is bipolar, but I can’t imagine what it’s like to be the one who has to live in my head with all of those torturous and confusing thoughts. So, I guess we just have to be grateful for all of those post-storm moments that can feel so great. And, yes, keep ourselves geared up for the pre-storm and the storm itself–both of which we know will come again. Thanks for reminding me that this is just the moment (or day or week or whatever) and that it will pass.

  22. Vicky February 5, 2008 at 4:19 pm #

    Wow……I am so thankful that I stumbled across this blog. I am trying to learn all I can about people who are bipolar because I think I may possibly be developing very strong feelings for a boy who has it. The questions I keep asking myself now, however, are “Do I back out before it’s too late?” “Is there someone better out there for me who won’t hurt me like this?” “Do I DESERVE better?”……..The sad thing is, I have never known a boy who makes my heart beat so fast, or who writes as beautiful words……or who just seems so…..alone….yet doesn’t want to be alone. I have only known him for a few months, and we haven’t really been “dating”…. yet. I just don’t know…..he seems to smoke pot alot, and I never have…..and I am wondering…..HOW DOES POT EFFECT PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER? I have heard so many different things…..some say it actually counter-acts some of the mood swings…….I don’t know. Does anyone have information on that? ……………….I am still figuring things out. But I am definately thankful for all these posts and knowing that sometimes the mean things he says aren’t always directed at ME, but they are part of bipolar. It’s sad……but also…………………….strangely beautiful at times. Stay strong. ❤

  23. thordora February 5, 2008 at 5:06 pm #

    Vicky-I used to smoke a fair bit of weed. And do a lot of LSD.

    It’s called self medicating. It never helped me-I pretended that it did, and I had a shit load of fun, but it didn’t make me better or different in any way that I intended.

    He likely seems very interesting. From what I’ve noticed, we can be very charismatic us bipolars, flirty and fun and mysterious in all the right ways. We seem arty and interesting and smart.

    IF you think this boy is someone you want to pursue, know this. He will be work. If he is bipolar, and is undiagnosed, untreated, he will only be the sweet boy some of the time. Other times, he might not be so sweet. He is two people. One person is awesome, and you wish he’d stay forever. The other-mean, vengeful, full of rage and fear.

    I can’t tell you to stay or go. But get educated. There’s a blog on my blogrolly poly oly -salted lithium. Gabriel has many great things to say about bipolar, and I urge you to read his site as well.

    We’re many things as bipolar. We are good people, but sometimes, we’re lost. The people who are strong for us make a huge difference in our lives. So you need to decide if you’re willing to be that person if need be.

    • Flo April 22, 2009 at 4:22 pm #

      Thordora – where can I find yours or Gabriel’s site?

      • thordora April 22, 2009 at 10:50 pm #

        Wel…you’re kinda on mine….and Gabe-just search for Salted Lithium and you’ll find him.

  24. Vicky February 6, 2008 at 5:03 pm #

    Thanks for your reply, yes, he definately is very interesting and attractive….most of the time……but sometimes he just seems to push everyone away.
    He doesn’t talk about his condition often, and I have not pushed it. One of the first times we talked he said “I have issues. Many issues.” and I said “Well, everyone does.” and he said, “but not like me.” and then he told me about being bipolar…..I believe he HAS been diagnosed and is taking medication for it, but I don’t know for sure, and don’t really know how to bring it up again haha….
    I guess we’ll just see how it goes. I will check the blog out that you mentioned….thanks. I’ll keep you updated if our relationship goes anywhere….I am sure if it does, this will not be the first time I will need advice. 😉
    Thanks again.

  25. mark February 6, 2008 at 7:46 pm #

    maybe some of you can shed some light. i am married and have been having an affair with a woman for five years now.
    at first everything was great, meaning the first few years. i actually should have treated her better. we became best friends and lovers. after a few years, my feelings became really strong for her. something she had always wanted from me. she finally got what she wanted. then things began to go down. i always noticed from the start that the highs and lows with this woman were like nothing else. i always thought it was because i was still married. a little background on her. her ex commited suicide and first husband is in jail.

    now me being married and not leaving is not an easy thing. but what i am trying to find out is if she is really bi polar or just her emotions cause i have not left my situation. she has broken up with me 12 times in the last year. she can go from very happy to very agitated within minutes sometimes. it seems everytime something good happens to her, she rejects it or wants something bad.. she has a low self esteem, does not have friends, is always looking in mirrors,and our sex life is nothing what it use to be. she used to when we would fight or previous times in her life, stay in her room for days, and be depressed.

    it is like she wants to pull me in…then push me away. i cant explain it any better….i notice she gets very irritated in life period, and i am someone she can take it out on. like she wants to punish me for her past…..

    it is like every month or so i can expect an episode and they seem more frequent now. it is like i hang on for the addictive moments when she is on her high, cause that is the best. but now those times are less than they used to be…she also can be very destructive sometimes with gambling….

    any advice out there? i know my situation might be different since i am married. however, i get the feeling even if i was not married she would be the same with these mood swings, etc, etc. please comment…..

  26. Marta February 7, 2008 at 12:04 pm #

    Vicky–Good luck, I guess that’s about all the advice I have. I met the guy I’m dating several years ago and it was absolutely wonderful when we first met. What I didn’t know at the time–at least for a few months–was that he was in a manic state. So, of course, life was great! He was up, funny, loving, caring, charismatic–all those things that come along with bipolars being in a manic state. He was, however, very open about being bipolar when we first met. What I didn’t know was enough about the “ups” and “downs” of being bipolar. But, I soon found out–and I read everything I could get my hands on. Within about six months of knowing each other, he was on the downswing and headed for the worst depressive state he says he’s ever been in. It was devastating and frankly, I wasn’t sure I could take it. But, I stuck with him; he got back on lithium; and we weathered that six month storm. I love this guy alot, but let me tell you–it has been an incredibly hard, painful roller coaster ride since the beginning and sometimes I really felt I couldn’t make it through. You’ll have to ask yourself all of those questions: is it worth it? Do I cut my losses before I get too far into it? Even if his behaviors are because he’s bipolar, what is it doing to me? Does this border on being abusive? Am I strong enough to make it through the cycles? Only you can decide that. It’s a big decision; and often times, a painful one. You have to really be in tune with yourself to be able to handle it. You have to learn not to take things personally and sometimes you nearly need to be a saint. Good luck with your decision–and if you decide to stay with him or pursue the relationship with him–have no doubt–it will be incredibly hard. Believe me–it’s only the love for this guy that makes me stay. But I have had to learn to really take care of myself and often times turn a blind eye to what is being said and done. Gail’s suggestion to learn how to NOT REACT is frankly the only thing that is working for me. Again, good luck.

    • david November 18, 2011 at 11:47 pm #

      all i can say to anyone who is considering being in a relationship with a bipolar person is run like hell.they can do so much damage to your self esteem.and make you sick physically and mentally.it is not worth it.you have got to take care of yourself.but being with a bipolar person,there is no time for you…i am married to one so i know what i am talking about.i think if i got sick for any amount of time that she would be gone and not give it a second thought.they are so needy.im sorry if i sound cold but she has ripped my heart out too many times.so take my advice you cannot help them .they do truly want to be better but its just a ride i wish i had never got on.nothing is ever their fault it is always the ones that love them the most..sometimes i wonder if she isnt posessed by the devil.but then she can be like an angel.so im done.call me a quitter or whatever you want but love is not enough..this ride is over..on second thought it probably isnt.i love her with all my heart but it will probably be the death of me

      • See_the_light December 11, 2011 at 12:30 am #

        I got ill with my kidneys once and was in a serious state in hospital for 14 days. He came to visit once and stayed 10 minutes and told me I am a heck of a burden to his life. Run while you can. There will never be remorse and they do get worse as they get older too.

      • BECKY August 30, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

        Ohh , you are so right ,My BP boyfriend just broke my heart by telling me he just want to be friends , I tell you it hurt so bad I said no more i am running like hell, no compassion whatsoever , how can someone who just said he loves you tell you he just want to be friends and want you to accept that? I said no and bye he is in a psyche ward now but it doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t know what to do ,I think I have been played ,I will take your advice but I still don’t know what to say to him or do when he calls he keeps calling it is driving me crazy . Please advice do I go even to visit him in the psyche ward or I stay away? I don’t know how to handle this situation.

  27. Gail February 7, 2008 at 3:57 pm #

    Married guy…if she is going through swings it could be because of your marital situation. You should do her a favor…poop or get off the pot. I feel sorry for her.

    Vicky – my husband self-medicates with pot constantly. Frankly, I like him better. Smooths out the edges so to speak.

  28. Kim February 7, 2008 at 5:19 pm #

    I just want to thank everyone for the input. I’m sitting here struggling with what to do about my boyfriend. He is bipolar and has ADHD. He does take his meds and goes to the doctor once a week but the anger he has and the words that fly out of his mouth are still very much there even with the help. I walk on egg-shells all the time. I don’t even know who i am anymore. He has changed everything about me. I’m affraid to buy anything or go anywhere or meet new people (friends) because it “sets him off.” I do know i love him very much and i know what a great person he is on the inside and if it wasn’t for this damn illness he would be the most perfect man in the world. He smokes weed and loves his alcohol too. When he’s high, he is so calm and loving and can’t get enough of me but when he comes down off his high, i’m a peice of crap, whore, stupid, worthless and can do nothing right. I keep trying to put this out of my head and tell myself this isn’t him it’s the illness but i can’t help but fantasize about moving on and finding a man who always treats me that way. I know that is selfish on my behalf and I would never do it because i love him so much and it’s not his fault but it is a thought.
    It’s been 3 years of living this way, i guess i will continue until i just cant continue anymore.

  29. Vicky February 7, 2008 at 10:45 pm #

    Gail, your story really touches me. That is true love. 🙂 Alot of these stories are really touching.
    I am 20 by the way…and I have been thinking alot about this boy lately, and I can tell he likes me as well. But there are just so many, as you guys have said “storms” inside his head. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him.
    As I said before, no one makes my heart beat as fast. There is no one I get more excited about seeing. It’s like being unable to breathe. It’s wonderful. It’s electric. Sometimes I can also see that he is really excited to see me too, and it’s adorable and WONDERFUL. The last guy I went out with before this, was not bipolar. He was “stable” and “reliable” and didn’t have mood swings. But HE WAS BORING! And he never even gave me butterflies in my stomach once. I was thinking about it earlier today at work and was writing in my journal. I thought “Do I want someone who I can walk calmly, steadily along with? Or do I want someone who will take my heart to the highest of mountain tops…even if I may plunge into the sea without warning?” I would definately choose the second. 🙂 I know it’s probably going to hurt like hell at times, but life is short. Why would I give up something like THIS? *sigh* Just felt like sharing. 🙂

  30. Gail February 8, 2008 at 2:21 pm #

    Oh Vicky, please be careful. Turmoil is so exciting sometimes but eventually it begins to ear on you. I always liked the “bad boy” too.

    • amy jones December 9, 2014 at 12:29 am #

      I was unable to scroll to the bottom of this page to leave a response so ive had to leave a reply under a comment
      .I have bipolar disorder myself an I am utterly horrified at a lot of the uneducated comments from a lot of men.Look being treated badly in any relationship has nothing to do with bipolar disorder.Its very easy to blame a bad relationship or being treated badly by a woman on ‘oh she must have bipolar disorder or some other mental crack pot syndrome’. We all get abused and hurt in relationships that end badly it does not mean that people with bipolar disorder wreck relationships, do this to their partners or ex partners, its life not a disorder.
      I have actually never ever had a man in any of my relationships be treated the way some of these men say bipolar women have treated them.So its disturbing these men have had bad experiences and assume that its bipolar disorder or women with bipolar disorder are nutters in relationships.That’s really shocking to hear.

      I have actually have been in relationships were ive actually bore the brunt of abusive behaviour by men, Ive put up with because I loved them and I supported them and loved them I never got that back.They have actually used my emotional fragility as a woman not as a bipolar sufferer as non of them actually knew I had the disorder because I didn’t act in the crazy way people assume people with bipolar act so they actually didn’t know the difference!
      Not until I told them and then they still didn’t find it an issue because it did not create onE because it does not need to, so then really you cannot blame the disorder on the breakdown of relationships.! Breakdowns of relationships are down to the individuals both sides and not down to a specific syndrome or mental health issue.

      Yes granted any kind of health problem mental or otherwise can make relationships stressful at times and there are people who are not bipolar but have a serious mental health problem but women with bipolar get labelled as a result, but so can so many other factors in relationships but we cannot blame bad relationships on so called bipolar women! There’s actually no such thing as bipolar women as Ive seen so many uneducated men mention its people with bipolar disorder! it affects both sexes and is not isolated to women! So men can use that excuse!

      Also from a woman’s point of view it always seems to boil down to one thing when relationships are concerned with men, and with respect the excuses men use to complain about the fact ‘ My wife/gf doesn’t understand me and she nags me she must have mental health issues she doesn’t give me what I need oh she says she feels this and that!’ blah blah yes yes Ive heard all the excuses before!.

      How about taking into consideration that women need to feel loved in order to give love?

      Really men are not interested in women’s feelings, thoughts, concerns they are not interested in making us feel loved content, comfortable with them, and giving us a hug when we feel emotionally upset because we are women.That’s to much of an effort ! They want sex.!And well….lets face it a woman with emotions gets in the way of a man getting sex and so women with emotionally turbulent backgrounds from abusive fathers etc just make that difficult because that mans a man may have to put an effort into getting her or keeping her and well that makes getting sex harder!

      I think to that a lot of the comments from men assuming their wives or gfs were nutters gives women who genuinely have the disorder a bad name as we are not nutters we all do not act irrationally and we certainly do not treat our men in the ways described in these comments.Granted some women may treat men like this and vice versa but that has nothing to do with bipolar disorder! its the individual who treats another badly and you cant be all doom and gloom about a disorder that does not cause relationships breakdowns full stop in every case for those who have it! i know that have been there and it does not always!

      Men generally dont want know how we feel they dont want to know how we need to trust that they are real and want to genuinely care for us.They have one agenda ,sex, and again they will say a woman has mental health issues if she conform to what he expects from her.Its so easy to say ‘shes a nutter when a man cant grasp the concept of emotions in a woman’ even sometimes ones that dont make sense to him, if they dont make sense to him then really that does not mean shes a nutter it just means you dont understand what that woman has gone through.Having some concern or consideration would help.But dismissing her as irrational and crazy because you dont understand her trauma well that’s just insensitive to say the least.She will push you away if you treat her like that!

      I dont agree with a lot of the comments from men on here as I have bipolar disorder myself and I think they are assuming bad things about the disorder and attributing this to women they had had relationships with and assuming this is how women with bipolar disorder behave and treat their partners when its not true at all.

      I think what men fail to realize that women who have been raped even just once apart from the fact many women who have bipolar disorder have been sexually abused (something most of their partners or partners to be would not take into consideration anyway and this is part of the issue mentally for a woman) have suffered sexual abuse. Myself i was not just sexually abused but also abused in every other way and raped from the age of 2 until I was 24 until I escaped then really is it little wonder why a woman who has gone through this need TO be able to trust the man who says he cares for her and wants to be with her? and finds it hard to trust people in general when every adult in in her life has abused her? How do you want her to react?.

      Do you think this goes away with age or something?..No i’m afraid it doesn’t but it can be managed or the pain can even be forgotten to a certain degree by a loving man she can trust.I would like to see these men who have a go at their partners because they have been raped or abused and they dont understand how that affects a woman’s mind..and see how they would react if they as men had been raped and found their female partners really didn’t get it and understand why it affected them so much.It works both ways as it happens to men and to women these days, Non of us will have perfect partners or relationships today!

      If he cant show that and really has not got time and patience to understand that she needs to learn to trust then why is it her fault? If he find that’s that its to much like hard work for him to do this then really its pretty obvious that he wrong motivation.there are always reason why a woman needs time to trust her man.If a man doesn’t get this then he has a big issues not her but no relationship will work for him if he isn’t prepared to understand that in a woman.A woman can trust a man and and men need to gain that trust.It wont happen if they are not prepared to be patient enough to gain it and earn it.

      I’m sorry but often when a man simply cannot grasp emotions in a woman of any kind perhaps because he doesn’t care or really isn’t interested, or his main concern is sex and she wants more than sex from a marriage or relationship if two people decided not to marry ( I’m a christian so cant comment to much on that) she becomes the one with the problem and simply can’t fulfill his ‘needs’ which are only sexual! most of the time.

      For example when I get to know a man his first question 99.9 per cent of the time is : What can you do for me in bed and if we I think are not sexually compatible after talking there’s no point in thinking about dating you, I will have to try you out first, I like to try before I buy’ Ok some are less direct but they make it clear.

      If I show i’m offended at this attitude I am an irrational woman.Is this a reaction of bipolar disorder or a wrong attitude of a male chauvinist who has no respect women ? I think I’m smart enough know hat reaction isn’t because I a have bipolar disorder! You will be shocked to know how many men still approach women in this manner but not all as offensive as that of course most make it very clear that they think a relationship/marriage is about sex nothing to do with emotions! THIS IS WHY WE PULL AWAY FELLAS!!!!

      Little wonder why a woman seems to pull away? Focusing on a woman emotions and needs and not a man being just concerned with when hes going to get it may be a bit key in gaining her trust and she will respond if shes treated the right way but if a woman knows hes only interested in sex then yes she will close up .

      In my experience it seems women who have emotional needs in men’s minds cant fulfill a mans sexual expectations or needs because women with emotions are inconvenient to the goal and he may just have to acknowledge or consider she actually has feelings and can get hurt.Or then they may just feel a bit guilty if she gets hurt because then they cant deny she has feelings.So its easier to pretend women dont have any feeling then that man cant hurt her because she doesn’t have any.! Hmmmm!

      I am speaking out of experience..Look… if a says or feels he is pushed away then really he’s pushing himself away from the woman by treating her like this.

      A person who is hurting needs love.Needs a hug.Instead of being angry or puzzled at why she is upset or seems to push you away hug her or tell her you love her because that’s what shes asking for although she doesn’t want to have to keep saying ‘i feel bad today i am upset or I feel down i dont know why please hug me ‘ Its easy for a man to become confused when a woman is upset or has a bad day or even has bipolar disorder and yes may seem to act out of character but a hug is what she needs not for him to become emotionless and treat her the same.

      She will begin to question trust issues shes had in the past if her partner ignores her when shes upset or hurt or even gets angry with her and dismisses it .Its feeding the fire that he already he and she worries is there.

      Without going through all my background, I know personally that when i was a child when I was scared worried or Id be hurt by someone or something my parents didn’t hug me etc I was never hugged never told I was loved .They reacted violently toward me and lashed out at me because they got angry I could not deal with life like an adult but they could not grasp that a child does not deal with adult stresses/situations and deals with stresses adult or otherwise as a child would..They got frustrated with my limitations as a child and so I was punished for those limitations.I could not go to them to feel safe and protected because they were they ones harming me even into my early 20’s.

      These days I push myself to exhaustion most days and have ‘no apparent breaking point’ and in this way Ive never really been noticed by friends as having any mental health problems certainly non of them could tell. Except for one or two i could tell over the years.

      Even doctors dont see that I do actually have a breaking point like every human being they expect a bit more from people with bipolar disorder and assume we are super human this often why we get times in our lives when we crack unlike people who dont have the illness because we are expected to take on more stress than normal and we are usual very strong individuals who have been through hell and just take it and take it and take until we crack and dont say anything to anyone, and when I have suffered nervous exhaustion they are perplexed because Ive ALWAYS BEEN AN EMOTIONAL DONKEY who they think can take any load and its like well why has she collapsed ..shes always took it?

      So ive associated being upset physically threatened or harmed with a negative response from someone who is supposed to love me and protect me however when I felt like this i just wanted a hug from my someone a parent a partner but instead of hugging me when I cried or I was hurt he/they could not understand why I was hurt and what had upset so reacted in the way my parents did by with holding affection or becoming nasty.

      Now if I think about being in relationship I would like the to feel that if i cry I get upset or I’m stressed or hurting my partner will hug me or show me consideration and not punish me ignore me or dismiss me as an over emotional stupid woman who needs a firm hand.Unfortunately Ive not had a partner who has hugged me when I have felt upset etc in fact Ive only been in relationships were a man has abused me.So men need to take this into consideration with women.We have not all had nice men in out lives.We will react according to how we have been treated until we are treated with love by a good man.I find it hard to understand why men find that hard to grasp.I find it hard to grasp why men dont understand women have emotions and treat us like we dont.

      I would say if these men say they feel pushed away then perhaps they should ask why they are being ‘pushed away’ and not assume its the woman’s fault and that she must be a nutter.

      Women dont want a relationship or get close to a particular man/type of man or trust a man in a relationship or for a potential relationship for a reason.a woman feels uncertain or uncomfortable with a man for a reason.She dosent make it up.Its not an excuse not to get close to someone.

      Sometimes she needs time to know she can trust him and hes definitely what he says he is.Not necessarily because she is always looking at her past and that bad experience doesn’t leave her its because something in that man has made her become or remain guarded or uncomfortable..it would be up to him to him to talk to her and find out whats making her feel comfortable around him if he really cares for her even if its her husband or bf there’s a reason why she is reacting it may not be something direct but there’s a reason.

      Perhaps trying to ascertain why a woman doesn’t feel comfortable with a man whether its her bf or not, is something he needs to ask himself because often it is because men focus on the wrong things in a relationship or potential relationship.They focus on sex and their concern is sex and really they dont see any other parts of a relationship.Women often have deeper concerns in relationships/marriages that go beyond sexual satisfaction.Sometimes men find that hard to grasp because their focus is different.

      Women sense this very quickly.And yes its a big turn off and makes a lot of women run a mile.I know personally if man who shows an interest in me makes it clear the only reason in his mind for men and women to have relationships is to provide sex for the man or each other makes me cringe and yes I will ‘pull away’ immediately.I am a human being not a heartless machine.
      I have feelings and I want men to acknowledge that women do have feelings and we actually want loving caring men when they realize this and treat us the right way then perhaps they wont complain they are being pushed away because often its a result of their own behaviour or misconceptions regarding women.

      I am now however doubly wary of being used in this way further by men so while I never push a man away that shows an interest in me I’m not stupid .I have never raised my voice even to a partner nor had any arguments in fact when ever my partner tried for up to 5 hours to goad me into an argument I walked away so NOT ALL WOMEN WITH BIPOLAR OR RAGING NUTTERS THAT TREAT THEIR MEN BADLY….in fact I always did whatever was needed to keep the peace and make him happy and I loved him but unfortunately never got that recognition or consideration back

      And I was the stabilizing factor in a lot of the relationship as I would not give in to his worrying behaviour fact as i was the stronger of the two because i left him.So again its another misconception women with bipolar disorder cant have stable relationships that they work hard to achieve by loving their partners.

      So again to assume that all women with bipolar disorder are raving nutters hard to live with and cause relationships to break down and treat men badly is very inaccurate and gives us a bad name! lunatics who ruin relationships and push men beyond despair is again a complete misconception.

      Yes some men may have had bad relationships with some bad experiences but they are down to the women and not because they have bipolar disorder or any other health problem.The breakdown of my relationships so to speak were due to abusive men who I ended the relationship with but this was nothing to do with any disorder I had. So people with bipolar dont strictly push others away push others away nor do they push their partners away, what you may call pushing away is a normal human reaction to being hurt in in various relationships and we all do this!
      it does not mean that person must have mental health issues.NOT TRUE!

      I really get fed up of being tarnished with the same brush and having men assume women with this disorder break up relationships and are emotionless beings without hearts who set out to hurt men because we dont and we get labelled by silly uneducated men in places like this who are so very angry and bitter they can only blame all women with the disorder.

      • frank strachan May 25, 2017 at 11:22 pm #

        Sorry , but how wrong you are.

  31. Marta February 10, 2008 at 9:29 pm #

    Bad boy lover here too. But, like Gail says, be careful. When he says, “I have issues,” he may be trying to tell you that he can’t give you what you’ll need in a relationship. And, if that’s the case, it’s much worse for him than it will be for you as he tries and fails over and over again. Those manic phases can be wonderful, but the lows are just that–low. And it can take everything out of you. As Gail says, be careful.

  32. Vicky February 11, 2008 at 2:56 am #

    Thanks, I will. Perhaps it will lead to nothing anyway. We’ll see. 🙂

  33. Patty February 11, 2008 at 10:12 pm #

    I have read everyones story and just cried. I am, or was dating a wonderful man who has bipolar and is ADHD. For the first 2 years of our relationship everything was great. We had some ups and downs but nothing we couldn’t handle. Then all of a sudden it changed and he became controlling. I couldn’t do anything without asking his permission. I have never had to ask for permission for anything. I am a very independant woman that can take care of myself. Well, I know now that he isn’t working due to his illness, he has extra stresses. I have been there for him as much as i could. I have helped him financially as well as emotionally. I have been there to listen to all his problems, to comfort him when family has past over (twice). I have been by his side crying with him during these times. He told me nobody has ever done that before. He said my heart was really with him and that meant alot to him and to me. I am a very kind and sensitive person. I love this man with everything in me. I hate the fighting, the name calling, the anger, but when that all passes he is a wonderful, funny, loving, caring, sometimes sensitive 🙂 man! He stole my heart! When he is manic he feels i don’t love him or respect him and that is so far from the truth. I do get attitudes (bitchy) when he calls me names or tries to control me so i know i throw back at him, but i still love him and don’t want to lose him. For the last 4 months the fighting has not let up. He said we needed a break from each other for things to calm down, that lasted 4 days and we were missing each other so much we stopped the break. He just found out his disability has ended and he has no money coming in. The stress from that and not having his meds brought anger out again towards me. I went and purchased his meds for him and took them to him and offered to buy food for his house for him and his kids. I told him i phoned SSI Disability and started the application for him. I let him know they said it could be 4-6 months before hearing anything. I told him not to worry, i would help until then. I said SSI said the only other option he has is to go on welfare until it kicks in. He thought i was telling him to go on welfare so he blew up at me and i was a piece of shit. When he got his meds from me he apologized and said that he was highly stressed and misunderstood me. I can’t jsut drop the name calling. I told him ok but he could tell i was upset. Later he phones to tell me he was going to pick up my nephew for the day. I told him i already made plans to take him to a friends house so they could play. He again flew off the handle and said “you are fucking rediculous! Without asking me first! Where is your respect for me?” He is the father figure in my nephews life. He is the reason that i have my nephew with me. He loves him like he is his own son. He says i should have made sure he didn’t want him before i made plans. My thinking was that i had him with me, my boyfriend wasnt talking to me, and it was 7p.m. and i had just made the plans 30 mins. prior. I regret not asking because now he has broken up with me. Many things have been going wrong latley but we both wanted to fix them. He is now telling me i have multi personalities and i need help. I don’t, i just love this man so much that when he’s up, i’m up, when he’s down, i’m down. I don’t know how to get him back or make him see that i do love him very much and he is reading things all wrong. I’m hurting so bad right now and am having a hard time getting up for work. Can somebody please help me? Please if all you can say is i’m better off, stay away from him…that won’t help me. It will just hurt me more.
    I know i have some issues that need working out and i will be starting my doctors appts. this week…but i feel alot of this isn’t me but i’m taking the blame and saying sorry so i don’t lose him. PLEASE HELP ME!

    • See_the_light December 11, 2011 at 12:57 am #

      Don’t say sorry and it is NOT YOUR FAULT! The more you try to hold the more he pushes you away. Its painful but when he is like that GET AWAY FROM HIM.

  34. Gail February 13, 2008 at 2:10 pm #

    Patty – do not blame yourself, you are doing what you can with a bad situation. It sounds as though he is actually convincing you that you are doing something wrong. Misery loves company so don’t buy in. From your post I gather that you do not live together and that is a good thing. I know first hand how difficult it is to not react to the things that they are saying…we are only human too and are allowed to feel insulted or hurt by words. That’s the first thing you need to do is to tell yourself it’s okay that your feelings got hurt. Don’t try to convince him, that won’t work. Be true to yourself. Take care of you. When he comes to you or when he needs you, be there for him. Children do what you do not what you say and when they get like this the behavior is really quite child like. Lead by example. I have told my husband that he can call me every name in the book but that he will NEVER convince me that those things are true. If you maintain consistent behavior in response to his he will calm down eventually. I feel bad for you. I feel really bad for him. I just can’t imagine having to live with those racing thoughts. It’s hard enough watching someone have racing thoughts let alone to actually have them in your head. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG and this guy is really lucky to have you. If you need medical help for anything maybe it would be for the depression that results from being on the receiving end of this crap but don’t convince yourself that you are doing something to create these mood swings. You are probably the reason he has not swung even farther. Good luck, I check back to this thread daily.

  35. Jenn February 15, 2008 at 5:29 pm #

    Wow it is refreshing to finally see a site with some intelligent dialogue and genuine help and concern. I too am a partner of a person suffering with Bipolar disorder and am so tired of reading peoples advice to run for the hills. That is not the answer. Yes times are tough even in the manic phases of the illness, and the depressions are really bad. Not wanting to leave your loved one alone for 10 seconds in fear that they are going to try to end their life and in the manic times knowing that they are chasing rainbows and either going to spend way too much money, cheat or do something equily as careless and not for one second take your feelings in to account. I always try to remember that my partner is not trying to hurt me and does not have a sense of reasoning in those times. I think one of the hardest things is to tell your self “it is not your fault” and actually believe it. It is human nature to blame yourself when something happens in your relationship that is unexpected or tramatic. But for me the answer was never to run. I love my partner with all of my being and in all the times of pain I have suffered as a result of this illness I try to keep in mind that my partner is suffering in a more extreme way than I am. It has surprised me how many posts I have read that the answer to the support and understanding we are all looking for as partners of people with this disorder is to leave our loved one, to abandon ship, to drop them like a worthless sack of potatoes. When we all know that there is some reason we are here. Some reason we care and endure, even when it hurts. There is the person under the disorder that we love and respect and have genuine feelings for. We long to see more of that person but cherish the moments we do get to share with that person. I have come to the conclusion that my partner is worth the fight. And I hope that if the tables were turned that my partner would be there for me the same way I am. That if I were sick my partner would try to understand and empathise, and not throw me away like I was not worth the effort. I would say however to Vivki, that this illness is no joke. It is far from a walk in the park. There are times of pain that are indescribable and this forum or any other could not express what the partners of bipolar people endure. I am not in anyway saying you shouldnt persue a relationship with the guy you like, I am just saying that if you are persuing it because he is not stable and its exciting like a rollercoater ride, and not because you have genuine feelings then be prepared. Just like a rollercoaster ride it starts off exciting but after you have been around it for years and years it stops being fun and you can start to feel sick. Having said that Bipolar people can be the most wonderful people deep down and in my case is worth the rollercoaster ride, but this comes after years and years of love and respect with a diagnosis only 3 years old and 7 years of absolute pleasure predating the diagnosis I have invested much time and energy in my relationship with my partner. To everyone else Thank you so much for posting it is nice to hear that you all have similar experiences and levels of love and respect for your loved ones that I have for mine. Like I said before it helps to read other peoples stories and draw on all of eachothers experiences for support, and for the answer to be anything other than to run away. It is worth more than words can describe.

    • LYNDA November 20, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

      wow your post has really touched me I have been living this life for 5 years not sure if my partner is bipolar or not but I have lived every outcome described my daughter now eight and I have been dumped numerous times I have kept my own house for security the roller coaster,thewalking on eggshells the jeckyl and hyde. I have gone to the mat for this man I have loved supported forgiven and tried tried tried but the cycle repeats every 6 mons to a year my daughter and I have been evicted again and I am so confused and hurt I love this man but I am exhausted and heartbroken he always returns and is the loving man i knew but i am torn to bits how much do i give only to be hurt again and again

  36. Marta February 16, 2008 at 3:23 pm #

    Loving someone is hard enough; loving someone who may not be able to love you back in the manner you need can be truly devastating. I have a hard time imagining walking away, but I do try to remember that I have to take care of myself. That if I don’t do that; I’m no good to anyone. I can take quite alot, and I’d like to believe that I’d never leave just because someone has an illness. I struggle–ALOT. Frankly, my partner is flying solo in a lot of ways; he has no choice. When he’s spinning; it’s about him–not about me; not about our relationship. And, no matter how much I do, I know there’s no stopping the spinning. So, waiting it out usually seems to be the answer. But after a couple of years of this, I’ll admit–I’m tired; I’m sad; I’m lonely; and sometimes I often question my own need for staying in this relationship. For now, I’m just sitting tight–hardest thing I’ve ever done–and I’ve done it over and over. I feel for everyone in this same position and I feel even more for those struggling with the torturous thoughts that can come with being bipolar. I do know one thing–even if this relationship doesn’t work; I hope I can continue being his friend. Not an easy thing to do by any means when you love someone. Sometimes life deals us a hand that is hard to hold. I just want to try to stay clear–clear about him; clear about who I am; clear about what he needs; and hopefully clear about what I need. This is painful…..

    • josephine August 27, 2009 at 8:50 am #

      hello Marta,I have been married for forty years,my husband has bipolar and i am worn out from this illness,i should have walked out long ago,but after all this time its difficult,and yes we must try and look after ourseleves,because thay sure wont look after us,Just be strong and battle on dear,what else can we do x

  37. Patty February 18, 2008 at 12:34 am #

    Thank you so much for your words. This is very hard. This weekend we were trying to get along…it worked. 🙂 He’s coming down off an episode so he was caring and very loving. I don’t know how long this one will last but it’s so great to have some love time right now while trying to deal with it all. I know the things that have been said and done still are very fresh and still hurt me deeply and in his eyes, it’s long over or he doesn’t remember what has happend.
    Your words mean so very much to me. I have much more to say but he is here now and wants my attention. I want to talk with you more.

  38. Jenn February 19, 2008 at 7:50 am #

    I think one of the most difficult thing in relationships with bipolar people is creating boundaries that are fair for you. I am still not there yet, but working on it. I have in the past tried to blame all the decisions my partner has made that have hurt me on the illness, but am coming to reolize that dispite the illness my partner has to learn to take me and my feelings into consideration. This is where theropy comes in. it is not good enough to crush me and then go talk to a theropist about it later and tell that person how bad you feel about it. But in order to get to that place the bipolar person has to learn the tools to communicate properly and how to effectivly interperet and defuse the situation themselves. Bipolar disorder is not entirly effective with just medication it has to go hand in hand with theropy. They have to be able to challenge those racing thoughts and ideas and analize their desires to be distructive. It is a long hard process for everyone involved.
    Patty, I know that creating an environment of positive communication is very difficult and in the “hot” moments isnt the time. I would say when the abusive words are spilling out of him to walk away from the situation, let him take it out in whatever manner he has to without making you a part of it. When the episode is over and he is in a more stable place (I know the instinct is to just enjoy it and to try not to rock the boat) you can start that conversation and tell him how his words/actions effect you. He has to know, perhaps in time if he knows he will recognize those moments and he will be the one to walk away from them and come back to you when they have passed. I am not suggesting that you pick a fight about it just calmly say I would like to talk about how you made me feel during your last episode. Creating a give and take relationship with a bipolar person is very hard work, but you have to be attentive to your feelings and your spouse has to be aware of them too. Perhaps by planting that seed in the stable moments in time will reduse the amount of abusive occurances. Right now as you said it is long over for him and in his eyes he doesnt even remember so its up to you to remind him and make him aware of how you feel about it. Maybe during the next episode that seed will have grown a little bit and he can remember that he hurts you in these moments. I am not sure if this will help at all I struggle with this too and have not come to a place of full understanding with my partner either. Bipolar people in those times are the most egocentric people there are, and nothing matters but themselves. However I know that deep down hidden under all the racing thoughts and impulsive decisions there is a place that loves and respects me and doesnt want to hurt me, I am hopeful that in time with a lot of theropy, medication and love and patience that that place will grow in strength and fight back against the illness. Good luck, I hope things start to stble out for him so they can start stabeling for you too.

  39. Kelly February 19, 2008 at 6:30 pm #

    Ya know, I hear you Jenn, walk away and bring it up when the time is right, thing is, when is the time right? Everytime I bring up my feelings, I hear, you have impeccable timing, now’s not a good time. Today was a bad day, thing is, just about everyday is a bad day, every moment is a bad time. And when you bring up your feelings, you’re accused of being selfish, without understanding, etc. The list goes on…
    …when is enough enough…how can the ups and downs ever be gratifying??? or having to adjust yourself to deal with someones constant up and downs, never knowing what to expect! How is that any type of life to live? Let’s bottom line it, when is the non bipolars spouse feelings ever addressed. All i hear is, you have to learn to deal and adjust and defuse. Where is the accountability for the bipolar person? I’m guessing there is none!

    • See_the_light December 11, 2011 at 12:52 am #

      I feel for you as my feelings are needy, selfish and I have to feel sorry for all his hurts every single day. His stomach, high blood preassure he works harder (I work longer hours than he does) and I get told all the time I have to be considerate. Only that I get never considered, ever. There is never an apology or hug or sorry to make me feel better. He dumps the crap on me and walks away. He never talks about anything after. Its very hurtful. All I hear is, well, just leave me then.

      • miss gf of bipolar guy August 24, 2015 at 2:59 am #

        I am reading all of this…
        And for the past week I almost believed him when he kept telling me I was the person who caused stress and fights…
        I just know everytime I I didn’t get back to him at a certain time… that I’m selfish Cus I was busy … then I give him anxiety and and cause drama and conflict … huh?
        I would ask myself .. how am I doing that…. and then I’d ask him to stop yelling .. he would tell me I am crazy and to not talk to him. So I just walk away till he cools down. Then he comes around and demands me to tell him what’s wrong . I say nothing
        .then the insults start and now I’m a birch and I am selfish. So I cry and ask him to stop Cus I need to work early. I’m then told I have to learn to communicate with him. I ask nicely to stop fighting… and that I have a headache… he says he wants to break up Cus I can’t control my emotions and that I full of drama . And that he wants only peace now. So I try to sleep it off… he comes in and yells.. that it!you are unable to communicate ! You have no relationship skills

        Then he spologises. We cry .. he promises to not do that again. Says he loves me so much. Doesn’t want to see me cry.

        The next day .. I say hope you’re well.. he texts back says I can’t take responsibility for what I’ve done
        And until I know he will date someone e who’s wore “fitting ” for him and “who doesn’t cause drama” .


  40. Marta February 20, 2008 at 1:51 am #

    Thanks Jenn for your thoughts on boundaries and the need for therapy. My partner takes his meds as he should but doesn’t see the need for therapy. He spends most of his time thinking he can figure things out himself; reads a ton of self help books; thinks his friends or family will give him the answers; and unfortunately thinks of me as his therapist. More unfortunate, is that for a very long time I let him do this. And that is where I totally agree with you that if you are going to be with someone who is bipolar, YOU need to set boundaries. They are rarely capabable of setting the boundaries that need to be there. And, meds are never enough. The racing thoughts still continue and when your thoughts are racing it is absolutely ridiculous to think that you will be able to figure things out. So, I’m dealing with yet another cycle of my partner saying that he needs to figure things out; that he can’t figure it out in a relationship; that he wants to be able to talk to me but not see me; that he doesn’t know what love is; that he would like to care for me but can’t; that he needs to read some more books; talk to some more friends; and on and on and on. And sadly enough, after years of hearing this same thing, I think I may have reached the point where I have finally figured out that I need to set the boundaries. So, I made the decision to tell him that, “no, I can’t be your therapist” and that “regardless of how much empathy I have for you and how much I know it must be difficult to be so confused and so badly wishing to figure things out” that “I can’t be hurt like this anymore.” His answer was, “okay, I understand that, so I guess that’s it.” And so I sit here feeling very sad and alone but know I did the right thing. And I am trying desperately not to think about whether he will call and say he wants to try again, as he has sooooooooo many times before. I love him dearly, but I have finally reached the point where I have to take care of myself. I have to remember that even though he may not mean what he says or does, that on some level he is responsible for his words and his actions. Without therapy I don’t think he’s ever going to be able to handle the relationship whether he want to or not. I wish everyone luck who’s in this situation; and I hope for everyone who is bipolar that they take their meds, they get the therapy they need, and they give themselves every chance to get through life with a little less chaos.

  41. Jenn February 21, 2008 at 8:03 am #

    For about a year my partner was perscribed an anti depressant from the family doctor, who assumed she was suffering from depression (because of family history) The meds didnt work and after a few different meds and a pretty major crash we wound up at the emergency phycology department of our local hospital. This in the long run was a god send they were able to connect us with a local mood disorder clinic and start my partner on both the meds and theropy she so desperatley needed. For people with bipolar disorder they need an outside voice of reason, someone who is not involved in situations and without a personal connection to help them learn the tools that will enable them in the future to work these things out on their own. Mood disorder clinics are great they connect people with others who suffer the same way give them an outlet to talk to people who can truly understand what they are going through. There are things that go through a bipolar persons mind that they just cant share with their partners (often for their partners own good) they need someone to confide in and who has some professional training on how to deal with certain thoughts and impulses.
    If my partner was not in theropy I dont know that I would still be here, I hold on to some hope that she is trying to get the help she needs and is working on learning the tools to deal with this illness. I love my partner deeply and unconditionally, but like the rest of you it has been so hard. I have been lied to, sneaked around on, cheated on made to feel bad about myself and the list goes on, but I know she is trying. She is going to her theropist once a week and her groups once a week as well, she is home doing her homework from the groups and as I see it making an effort to make sence of all that has gone on so those behaviours can be changed. My partner has said to me a number of times that she would understand if I desided to go, in fact she cant really understand why I am still here. I am still here because I love her and I still have fight in me. I want us to work we have 10 years of history together and most of it was amazing. I am still working on the boundaries and getting those through to my partner. So the beat goes on. I wish you luck Marta I know what you have just done is very difficult and painful. Hopefully it will encourage your partner to get the help he needs and work toward getting better. hang in there.

  42. thordora February 21, 2008 at 8:34 am #

    Jenn is absolutely right. My husband told me for years he thought bipolar, and I wouldn’t hear it. It wasn’t until things got really bad and I finally went to see someone that I was able to accept it.

    It feels like we’re being judged when you say it, that’s all.

    Sometimes I wonder why mine sticks around too. Your partner sounds like a lucky girl. 🙂

  43. Jenn February 21, 2008 at 5:03 pm #

    I love my partner very much Thordora and although I have been very patient and tried to be understanding and have suffered right along with my partner I know she loves me too and I know that she would never hurt me on purpose. She had to do what she had to do for herself, she cant do anything for me it has to all be for herself and we as humans have to get past expecting others to do things to make us happy we have to do for ourselves first.

    It is hard to put your ego aside and admit you need help but when you get to that point things can only get better from there.

  44. Jenn February 24, 2008 at 2:00 pm #

    I feel the need to further explain my position above on making ones self happy. It is something I have been working on for a long time. like most others I was raised in an environment that taught me that to be happy you have to have others. I was given countless memories that supported the idea that others held your happiness in their hands, happy, shreaking, loving examples of others creating happiness. Rings, flowers, gifts and romantic gestures met with smiles, happy tears and excitement. On the flip side of that in the times that those gestures were absent the mood was discontent, arguments and lack of happy feelings. You dont think of me anymore, you dont care, you dont love me. All because the flowers and cards and consistant romantic gestures had stopped flowing. It is a lifetime of learning. Our parents, families and role models setting the example of how to be happy. And forward into my adult life these ideals came with me. When I got with my partner that idea of happiness was rolling along full speed ahead. Because we are both women we believed that those romantic gestures would never end. The loving notes left for no reason, the countless bouquets of flowers just because “I was thinking of you” Both being women we “understood” the others need to have those reminders. As the years have passed just like everyone else we have come to a place where those gestures have all but ceased. It is simply not necessary now. And that old “understanding” has transformed into a new understanding. My partner has spent her entire life working hard at making others happy and has neglected to make herself happy. that in part has been involved in her origional breakdown. When does one put everyone else aside and work on making themselves happy? This is not to say that for a long time I was not rather upset about this turn in events, it took much time and effort to understand and embrace. Like her I spend much of my time trying to please other people and frankly it leaves me exhaused and unhappy myself. In order to be with her today I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not in control of her actions, moods or behaviours just as she is not in control of mine. Nor are either of us responsible for eachothers happiness. Thus she needs to do what it takes for her to be happy and likewise I have to do what I have to do to make myself happy. Life with that understanding at first is very painful, like a burning coal in your gut. It comes with arguments and tears and trust issues. We are now working past that and working on embrasing eachother again for our differences. The fact remains her trouth is much different from mine and although we may discuss and analize and empathise with eachothers trouths neither of us can ever fully understand eachother’s. Love comes in so many forms and endures so much. But as Kahlil Gibran says your “joy is your sorrow unmasked”. To keep in mind that love and years always evolve and change. To embrace that change and evolution with an open mind and an open heart, with unconditional love is to truly be happy.

  45. Britt February 29, 2008 at 2:39 am #

    We bipolars should never marry, never know love, never know physical intimacy, and never have friends or children, for we will surely disappoint them and, at times, emotionally wound them.

    I had my two children before my diagnosis. Had I known of my illness earlier, I would not have become a parent. I am above-average for a Bipolar parent, yes, but still woefully lacking.

    Once my son is an adult, I pray God will mercifully allow me to die.

    • See_the_light December 11, 2011 at 1:14 am #

      The truth is you deserve as much as anyone to be loved. Your son doesn’t want you to die he loves you dearly for who you are. Express your feelings once in a while and things will be ok! I love my husband too and it is not his fault. I just wished he would open up and talk to me.

    • Sitaara June 7, 2012 at 12:04 am #

      I have the same feelings as you do. If I would have known about my bipolar I would never had kids. It is so difficult to raise kids when you are going through mood disorders. It is also not fair to the children to have a a parent who is not stable.

    • to close November 21, 2012 at 6:05 am #

      Sounds a lot like self-pity to me. First bipolars go from anger to self-pity. If I even smell, see, taste anything that resembles bipolar I run as fast as I can and never look back. Yes, I have compassion not sympathy for those who suffer this crazy dis-ease but I can’t open myself up to this without getting wounded. For my health mentally, physically and spiritually I have to walk away. Please get the help you need for yourself and those who love you, even at a distance we love you but chose to keep our space for our own safety and protection.

  46. Jenn February 29, 2008 at 7:37 am #

    Oh Brit It pains me to hear you say such things. Bipolar people deserve love and intimacy, friends and family, the thing to try and remember is we are all human, and to err is human, we will all disapoint and emotionally wound eachother it is part of the growing process.
    I can not stress enough to please seek help both medically and emotionally, as a spouse of a bipolar person I can tell you that I have seen great improvements in my partner since she has embrased both her illness and the meds she will have to take to help control it and the theropy which is teaching her the tools to deal with this illness. I guarantee you that your son loves you very much and would be very hurt to see you go. Even after he is an adult. I love my partner very much and despite all of the heartache and frusterations that come with having to deal with such an illness, I wouldn’t change her for the world. I love and accept her for exactly who she is. And your loved ones I am sure feel the same for you. The learning and healing process are long and difficult but you can regain your life back. Stay strong and be patient and forgiving of yourself.

  47. Gail February 29, 2008 at 7:44 pm #

    Britt, you are a worthwhile person and your words are so sad. Jenn, wow, you have been dealing almost as long as me. My husband and I celebrate 13 years of marriage in April. I have more to say but am going home for the evening. I will be back on Monday. Hang in there everyone!

  48. Randy March 2, 2008 at 3:36 pm #

    Here’s my thing…the love I feel is with the woman who’s “in between” the highs and lows. On one hand, they’re kindness and compassion consumes me. They’re outrageous intelligence draws me to them. Because I was a bullsh-it artist for so many years, I buy into theirs. My last girlfriend bit my tongue HARD three times the first time we really kissed…and I knew why, so put up with the swollen tongue until she “came around.” The lingerie she “bought for me” stays under t-shirts and jeans. The fact that she lives vicariously though others and says mean things to me is so incredibly interesting to me that I stay in and watch “Friends” with her…and wallow in her watching others have intimacy, while she can’t…The woman I love for real at least takes her prozac, and goes to therapy but power trips me by taking advantage of my TRUE kindness.

    Who is the one who needs help here? why do I take it?

    • scoco February 24, 2009 at 7:37 pm #

      Wow haha, so funny to read the biting of teh tongue. I too had that issue with my ex. She usually did it to my lower lip though and would add a slight chilling laugh. I always thought wow , what the hell was that. And your right, now it makes sense. Almost everything you said is so true. The talk of the things to come and the oufits, but then something changes and they sit in the drawer. But at that point do you care? or are you just glad she is “back”.

  49. Joe March 7, 2008 at 4:25 pm #

    Reading these posts explain everything. Some days things will be great then I won’t hear from her for a few days for no reason. I always thought it was my fault she’d be in these moods because she’d blame me for the way she feels. When she’d like that it seems that she just wants to be alone and have nothing to do with me. She will start calling me self centered if I want to see her. I’ve done many selfless and thoughtful things and she is happy most of the time, but when she gets in this bad, distant mood, nothing really matters, she just wants to sit home alone and watch tv or surf the interenet. I shouldn’t have to keep a list of thoughtful things I’ve done for her. How can she not remember all the nice things I do? How can she call me self centered? Someone like me wants to be with her all the time and there have been times she’d not want me to go home because she’d miss me, but thats when she’d be in a good mood. I realize everyone needs personal space but not seeing her for days? It just doesn’t make sense to me. She wont even admit there’s a problem. I just ask “what’s wrong.” and she says “nothing.” Then I asked her why she’s acting that way and she says “I dont know.” The more I try to get her to open up, the more she insults me and tells me how unhappy she is in the relationship. She’ll say things like “I’ve always felt this way about us.” But a day earlier everything was fine. Most of the time she’s happy but then she’ll go into her episode and things have to be put on hold until she works her way back to feeling better. Last night she was in this bad mood again. We’re dating so we don’t live together yet. We both got out of work at 5 and we usually have dinner together. So I called her and asked her and she said she just didn’t want to see me, for no reason. Then stupid me (I should know better by now) pushed to see her because I haven’t seen her since sunday and we got into this talk about how she’s unhappy with me when it has nothing to do with me. She’s acting this way on her own. So I said she’s the best thing in my life and every day has gotten better since I met her. And she called me self centered! Yea I guess a self centered guy would take days off from work to bring her to the doctors. I am a logical and simple guy so this kinda gets too much to handle sometimes. The secureness most days then the insecure feeling. She tells me I need to be more outgoing and confident with her. It’s pretty difficult to be outgoing and confident when she goes from being loving, caring and happy to not wanting anything to do with me.

    • sck February 24, 2009 at 7:43 pm #

      Reading this sounds like exactly what I dealt with. Especially the part about the day before it seemed fine, and the next she is unhappy and “always felt this way” the whole time. And suddenly there have been nothing but bad moments, and all those things you did for them or have been there for are forgotten COMPLETELY.

      • thordora February 24, 2009 at 8:05 pm #

        I still cycle through that-exactly that, and it’s unfair and horrible and only now am I able to step back and eventually say “you know, the problem is X, not you-I’m taking it out on you, and I’m sorry”

        It’s taken a LONG time to get even there, and it’s still not perfect.

        The scary part is how, in our heads, it all seems so perfectly normal, teh crazy…

  50. Joe March 7, 2008 at 5:29 pm #

    What I have learned is to always expect she will be in a bad mood so at least I can be ready for it, so when she is in a good mood it will be nice.

  51. ben March 14, 2008 at 8:49 pm #

    I was engaged to a women with bi polar – one day she love me the next day she did not she kept pushing and pulling me. Eventually she told me she did not love me the engagement was finished we where finsihed and tahat we could be friends but it was up to me after all the horrible things I put her through. I tried to keep i contact I even had got her to see a therapist and get some councilling while we where together. I was ringing all the time finally fo the last few months I have not rung and I have heard nothnig from her. I am hurt after all we went through that she cannot even call .Its just this partern of isolatiing herself which she has always done. If I ring I do not knowwhat mood she will be in and often I am mad feel like a irritant merely by asking how she is. Its been one lousy experience ven though I still love and care deeply for my ex finance

  52. Cath March 17, 2008 at 10:20 am #

    i live with my partner who i think maybe is bipolar. he has such mood swings… i tread on eggshells all the time not ever knowing when he will blow. this morning he took off with a bag and told me that he needed a break away for a few days. i have to now sit here and wait for him to return. i dont know how much longer i can keep this up. i love him dearly and when he is having an ok day it is wonderful. but the dark days always come and he is pure hell to live with. the name calling and the putting down eventually wears you down and you think to yourself, how much longer can i put up with this… yes i could walk away and out of his life but i feel i would be letting him down if i did this. its good i stumbled on this site knowing there are other people out there who are suffering the same as i am… bipolar destroys loving relationships… the more i read about it the more i am convinced he is sufffering from this dreadful condition… how do i get him to recognize that he is ill…

  53. Joe March 17, 2008 at 10:38 pm #

    I don’t know but they have to be the ones to face their problem. This weekend was awful. She had to work until 6 and I was going to eat St Patty’s dinner with my grandparents at 5. She got so mad when I told her this, that she said “I dont want to see you tonight.” All because I wanted to eat dinner with my grandparents and her and I couldn’t eat together. It’s such a silly and simple thing to get mad over. Her attitude really upset me. Well, I went to her place after I ate and it was like nothing happened, everything was fine. I know what you mean about having to sit around and wait for someone. I sit around and wait until she’s back to being her better self. When I first started dating her she always asked me if I’d get sick of her and I thought it was odd, but that was before she ever had any episodes and mood swings. Maybe she knows but won’t admit theres a problem. Problems don’t solve themselves. She’s still young so I hope she realizes it some day.

  54. auzja March 31, 2008 at 7:12 pm #

    my fiance of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 weeks ago. He was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder/ general anxiety disorder. I knew something was wrong when we first moved in together and he completely broke down sobbing over his boss coming to town. I thought it was stress, however it just kept happening. I would cringe anytime a stressful situation arose because I knew it would send him over the edge. Finally, he started taking medicine for a few months. A dramatic change happened and he was the person I fell in love with again. I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore, and our relationship was great. Then I noticed his old behavior coming back, and I asked him if he was still taking his medicine. He told me he stopped “about 2 months ago because all the doctors want to do is suck you dry of your money and he couldn’t get a generic brand.”
    Then things got really bad. He started talking about suicide and feelings of worthlessness and crying in the bathroom at his job. He called off our wedding and started being mean to our dogs-(never abusing them). Then he would talk about having a family together and talking about where we should move to be in a good school system for our child~ (we do not have kids, but I have always wanted to have them with him). Then he would scream he would never have a family with me.
    I called his doctor in desperation when the suicide talk got really bad. He got livid with me. I was scared that whenever he wasn’t in my sight he would try to kill himself. But, he started blaming me for his feelings. I was now the single source of his feelings of anger, depression, rage, worthlessness, and unhappiness in his life. His doctor agreed that he needed to see him right away, however he was so angry that I called his doctor that he completely shut me down and told the doctor he felt fine that day. He also told me that the doctor told him to break up with me. Shortly after that, he broke up with me. I was and am still thoroughly confused. He told me I was too optimistic for him. He feels that people in thier heart of hearts are out to get others and “lie, cheat, and steal from others.”
    Due to a lease agreement, we are still living together. It is ending in 4 weeks and it is not soon enough. He is on medication now, but I think this break up is a blessing in disguise. I have been educating myself on bipolar and a lot of things are starting to make sense to me know. Things in his personality that I considered quirky, are actually a symptom of hypomania. I have been going through serious self-doubt and depression, wondering ‘what did I do wrong?’, but the more I read and talk to people about this disorder I realize that it is not me, or him, it is the disorder.
    I love him so very much, but I also love myself and do not want to subject myself or children to this destructive and confusing cyclical life. I wish the all the best to people dealing with this disorder and people supporting bipolars. I also hope that people manage their disorder with everything they have in order to stave off unintended consequences to thier relationships.

  55. Jenn April 1, 2008 at 8:57 am #

    this illness can be very trying at times for partners. It is important to undrestand that you too have triggers. It is important to be mindful of your partners triggers but also to be mindful of your own. At times you will feel the way you do and your partner will experience the moods they do. It can get better with the right combination of meds, theropy and acceptance. Having said this it is not something you can force on anyone they have to make the decision to seek help on their own. If you do deside to bring it up be very careful to broach the subject delicately. It is hard to hear the people you love tell you that you need help even if you know it to be true.

  56. Kristine April 14, 2008 at 9:55 pm #

    Approximately a month ago my boyfriend of 7 months attempted suicide. It came as a shock, but now looking back there were so many signs, and that makes me feel so guilty. He had “broken up” with me about a month ago this occurred and broke my heart (although we still spoke to each other every day and were seeing each other), and after the attempt, explained that he had only broken up with me at the time because he couldn’t bear to be with me when he did this to himself. Now he is diagnosed and on medications to treat bipolar disorder and depression. I guess I didn’t see the signs of bipolar before, maybe because he was so good at internalizing his emotions and moods. But after the attempt, I said I would be there for him as a friend, girlfriend, in any capacity he needs me, and he said he wanted to be with me, that i was one of the things hardest to say goodbye to, and that thinking of me was the only thing that made him want to stay in this life. I love him so dearly and am willing to make sacrifices and be patient and STAY with him through all of this, because that is how much I love him. Now it has been one month from the attempt. He was hospitalized and is seeing psychologists and on medications to treat the bipolar disorder. And now, over the weekend he mentions he is losing affection towards me and, in his mind, is seeing me more as a friend. He loves me and doesn’t want to break up with me, but he does want to take time and “try” to get back to that place of seeing me as a girlfriend. This came as such a shock, because I felt as if we were rebuilding this relationship, and now he is pushing me away again. Breaking my heart for the third time. I’m willing to be patient as he “tries”, but now I feel as if I’m staying with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I guess I just, need some direction, some perspective. He is adjusting to new medications and a new outlook on life, and healing and adjusting to his disorder, does he really just need some time? I have been reading alot of literature on bipolar, and the pushing away loved ones seems to be so common. Has something similar happened to anyone else? The abrupt loss of affection? I have just been through too much, I’ve lost 15 lbs due to stress, and I feel another breakup after building up all this hope is just going to crush me. I just love him so very much. Any guidance would be appreciated. I feel like I don’t have many people I can talk to. Thanks.

  57. thordora April 15, 2008 at 8:01 am #

    Be there, but don’t push. Tell him how you feel, but then back off. Sometimes it’s the pressure of a relationship-having to be kind and nice and, well, normal when it’s so bloody difficult to be that breaks you.

    I can’t explain why it happens, but I do the same-I just shut down and I don’t want my husband near me. He lets me know he’s there, but otherwise has learned to back off to a degree. How this would work in your situation, I don’t know. It may not be worth you putting so much time into this. Look at your motivations-do you love him enough to go through this? Are you strong enough to go through this? Do you want to, or do you feel obligated?

    Bipolar is a hard third person in a relationship. If you’re up to it, if he’s worth it to you, then fight. But let him make the decisions. If he’s just starting meds, normal might take a little while and even then, he may not ever be the “perfect” guy. I know I’m not the perfect wife by any means.

    Email me if you like-also check out salted lithium (link is on my Blogrolly Poly Oly page)

  58. Joe April 16, 2008 at 10:58 am #

    Things like that have happened to me before. The bipolar person pushes the closest person to them away because they know you will be there for them. It may seem like a childish game, but sometimes the best thing to do is back off and let them come to you. Eventually they snap out of their down in the dumps feeling and want to be see you because when they feel good its with you

  59. Ella April 29, 2008 at 8:11 am #

    Thank you everyone for posting your stories. It has made me feel stronger just reading everyone’s episodes. I too am involved with a recently-diagnosed bipolar man, and it’s been every adjective you all have used to describe it. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but he feels that he can’t give back what I give him, so he sometimes thinks that we should go our separate ways. He’s incredibly happy when he’s with me, but completely miserable when he’s not. He says he has never not known an answer to such an important question in his life, in regards to either staying with me or not. He’s out of the country at the moment taking care of his ill father, while trying out new medication, and I haven’t heard from him since he left about three weeks ago. He comes back in a week, and I’m scared. He was fine and very loving until his flight took off, and now there’s nothing. I email him once a week even though he doesn’t reply, because that’s the only way I can let him know that I care for him and I’m thinking of him. Nothing too pressuring, but just things about my day, etc. As I said, I am scared of what is happening, and what will happen when he returns. I guess I will not find out until he returns, but any suggestions on the best ways to approach him? Should I wait until he calls or should I casually get in touch with him when he returns home? I’m sorry I’m asking a silly question perhaps, but I need every help that I can get.

    I decided to stay with him because I really love him, and I truly care for him. He has been there for me too when I was having difficulties in my life, but he has a hard time recognizing that sometimes.

    It has been a very hard month for me, so I’m truly happy to find this site. Any incites and suggestions are appreciated, and once again, thank you for all of the posts.

  60. Maggie May 5, 2008 at 12:43 pm #

    I too was involved with someone who is bipolar. Although, not clinically diagnosed, his sister is, and everything I have read on this subject describes his behavior to a tee.. My relationship just ended and has lasted two years. We have broken up a multitude of times (every single time him walking out on me). I am a single mother of two small children and when I met him he seemed strong and dependable…Shortly after we started dating, he started to become extremely jealous , would rage in anger and become verbally abusive over imagined slights, never accountable for anything-EVER, abuses alcohol (in denial most times & only once admited he’s a “drunk irish prick” (his words). He is a radio DJ and very charmng on air but in person he is very antisocial and extremely negative & pessimistic. He hates all my friends and it seemed he wanted to isolate me and viewed everyone as a threat. Whenever I did things seperate from him with my friends there was always an underlying tension from him and inevitably a huge eruption would occur. He was constantly saying I was his whole world and his whole reason for everything and I tried to encourage him to do things seperate from me, but he never wanted to.. It seemed he was always trying to get even with me for imagined slights and at times I would just sit there shocked at his emotional maturity level…I can’t even begin to explain the barage of verbal rage I would receive at times and if I tried to defend myself it would only get worse. I was constantly in tears and it seemed all he wanted was to break me down lower and lower. His coldness toward me was baffling and so hurtful. On the flip side there was a wonderful guy beneath it all that i loved. I believed he wanted to marry me and was told he wanted children with me etc. Then come to find out he had changed his mind (and I was the one who had to bring it out in the open). He has made me feel like I am crazy. He crossed so many boundaries with me I am just in disbelief how I could have let this happen. The other day he was in a “mood” and I started to stand up for myself and he threatened leaving the relationship and I finally agreed if that was what he wanted go ahead…and he did. I was constantly keeping us together in the face of his wanting to abandon us, yet he was always relieved when things settled down and convinced me he loved me more that anything.. Is anybody have similar experiences like this????? I am not sure if i will ever hear from him again-he has completely shut me out..when he was level-he was my best friend. I just feel so rejected and emotionally battered.

    • reg October 19, 2009 at 11:39 pm #


      • holding on by my fingertips October 24, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

        I know this post is old but boy do I feel your words are mine right now, the isolation is agony… I want to tell my story but am too exhausted just now, but just reading that there are others who can understand MY side and know my path is so reassuring I can’t tell you how little comfort I’ve found from people who simply don’t understand the condition. Thank you everyone for sharing on this site as even just skimming through peoples descriptions gives me hope for a bit of empathy. More later.

  61. Kathryn May 5, 2008 at 1:32 pm #

    Iwas somewhat relieved to find this site and honestly I’m not a religious fanatic but I do believe in God. Thank God for it.
    I read this letter then promptly to be perfectly honest printed if off and mailed it to my husband. He’s in an Institution and they are thinking about releasing him home this August. It’s been awhile I can tell you and what a ride. The razers edge and nothing less.

    I told him that we are going to need marriage councelling when he returns since we had some problems when I visited him. He tells me what I want to hear to get me there then it’s walking on eggshells at all times and you just never know what’s going to set him off.

    As much as this saddens me, I faxed the Authorities and told them everything and that I was not able to care for him if he came home like this as much as I dearly miss him. He’s not stable and I can’t be a one man marching band for him.

    That was last week, I have not heard back from them, I don’t even know if I will.

    Given he’s been away for so long and he’s not in good shape yet I am beyond worried about his return.

    You can’t bring up anything questionable he does and it’s all your fault and you are the worst person ever and you just use him and the list is endless.

    Thank God I have a break and been able to think straight from all the problems he’s caused not only himself but me as well.

    I don’t want to give up on him but may have too and I have written to him telling him this and I don’t have to tell anyone here that I’m probably on a hit list now and yes I’m fearful of this make no mistake.

    He may be fooling these professionals for all I know but he’s not fooling me. That’s my bottom line.

    This condition has pushed everyone in his family away from him, all of his friends and it’s their problem not his as far as he’s concerned. Will he ever be normal again, I have no idea. I pray he is, I pray I have time left with him in this world to be together in normal loving ways.

    This has to be the worlds worst problem to endure, a loved one afflicted with this horrific disease. No one would tell you to leave a Cancer Patient and this is much worse by far.

    You have to keep control of yourself and try to gauge every little word and action and all times or it’s the wrath. It’s me, me, me, time and it’s never about anyone else but them.

    I do love him and this leaves me helpless more times than not or under attack from his extreme selfishness not to mention when he goes into psycosis and damned near kills me while completely insane and can’t stop himself from doing it. No trigger involed what so ever, he wakes up he creates a scenerio that I have wronged him and all hell breaks loose.
    I call the police they take him to the hospital, he’s out that night never realizing the full extent of the torture I have endured.

    Some mental health professionals I have talked with actually told me to handle all my own affairs and not tell him anything but good things regardless of what’s really happening which I don’t agree with.
    The world is full of triggers for him and if he can’t be made to feel for anyone but himself then he might as well stay in there and not fool anyone else to hurt them the way he has hurt all those that loved him.

    My heart goes out to you, you have to make the call yourself, I could never tell anyone what to do in their own best interests as I don’t even know myself at times given I love him, I’m trying to understand this for our sakes and I’m in the same boat without answers to any of it time and time again.

  62. Maggie May 5, 2008 at 2:37 pm #

    Kathryn, I understand so much of what you must be going through as well. It feels as if a leech has sucked me dry. you cannot live freely and have someone love you for you because you have to be constantly vigilant of what you say or do. I think the worst part of this type of relationship is the utter lack of empathy your partner feels for you when you are hurting. I have said time and time again to my boyfriend that it feels as though you hate me at times and I feel like you view me as your enemy rather than the woman you say you love and adore??? The amount of frustration I feel can be so overwhelming! When a 34 year old man says to me- I make him yell and if I did not do these things he wouldn’t get upset, I feel as though I am dealing with a child. He has no interest in understanding how his behavior has affected this relationship. I was constantly changing myself to meet his needs and it was never enough. ever. Terribly sad to see glimpses of the wonderful man you fell in love with and unbearable to be at his mercy…Hurts way too much knowing I tried to be there for him only to have him leave. It’s like I am dealing with someone who has no emotions right now.

  63. Joanne May 9, 2008 at 11:35 am #

    A little over two years ago I met the most wonderful, articulate, communicative, loving, senstive, funny man I had ever met in my life. It was easy to fall in love with him, he held my heart in his hands in it’s entirety. It wasn’t long into the relationship that his behavior was becoming weird, the jokes were no longer funny, at my 110 lbs 5’6″ he was suddenly calling me fat and controlling what I ate. My dream was suddenly turning into a nightmare. What happened to the articulate man that I had fallen in love with who was now drooling on himself, depressed in a corner. Hiding at every glimpse of stress, unable to communicate. Unable to show emotion and unable to care for me if I was hurt, sick, etc. Unable to show any empathy, concern, nothing…two years later in one sentence he can be talking about our wedding date, having kids in the future etc. then later in the evening after an argument he is suddenly hiding in his corner no longer knows if he loves me, if he wants to be together. I have never given so much of myself to anyone in my entire life. My love, patience, dedication, understanding, support etc. to be told that I am the one with the problem. I am the one who is difficult and he is the patient one, the understanding one. He puts down everything I am, who I am in this world & then when I call him on it, he denies that it’s true or says I do the same to him. With this illness everything feels like a game. I watch him toy with others…co-workers. I watch him intentionally play games to get back at them and that is exactly what he does to me. I am tired, lonely, depressed, sadenned, disheartened. He hasn’t been on meds for more than a couple of months and has only tried one med. I have stayed this long in hopes of him getting help but even that took almost two years before he was even willing. It will break my heart to leave him or see him go…but then again maybe the man I fell in love with was never even really there or real. Maybe it was just a manifestation of mania and new love. It becomes easy to lie to yourself when dealing with this illness. Others tell me it’s really not me and is his illness but two years of him telling me I am the problem it’s hard to not start wondering if I am missing something. I read in these posts people saying how hard it is for someone who has bipolar disorder and I am not disagreeing, but all he tells me is “it’s all good”, and he’s “fine”….mania and irritablity has always been his main symptoms not depression. So to those who say the person with the illness is the one who suffers more, I would say that REALLY depends on the situation. Let’s not throw ourselves under the bus and continue to bleed ourselves dry because after all “we have it easy, we aren’t sick” at this point I could really use some support of my own. It has been a long road..I am willing to walk it but someone please tell me the truth about what the meds can and can’t do….

  64. denise May 12, 2008 at 12:42 pm #

    I feel as tho i could have written many of these posts myself… the pain u r feeling, is exactly my pain… how do ppl do it over and over again?? U r all so very strong. I have been with my guy (barely) ….3 months almost, and in that time I have not seen much of him at all.
    We had somewhat of a fairytale reunion, and everything was WONDERFUL!! We knew each other from high school (as friends), had not seen each other for 15 years, altho we still share many of the same friends back home. We bumped into each other one day by absolute chance… fell in love and never left each others sides….. until the anger, rage and abuse hit us like a tornado. We have so much in common, we lived in the same city in europe as kids, went to the same high school in the US, and are now also both successfully working in the same industry.
    It is like a match made in heaven… we have similar personality types, and just have so much fun together…. but NO… not anymore!

    Everything was wonderful for 2 weeks, and then one day he woke up angry, and a completely different person. He usually always held my hand and carried my bag… this day he walked ahead of me huffing and puffing, until I burst out, I could not handle it anymore. I finished by crying, he walked off and did not contact me. I called him the next day and he said he had bought a ticket to go overseas to visit his best friend.
    I ended up seeing him a couple of times before he left. HE WOULD actually invite me out to the movies or restaurant for example… and then wen I got there all dressed up and excited, yell abuse at me, not look me in the eye, tell me everything bad about me, tell me I am def not the one for him, even walk off… I was so confused… why did he even bother inviting me out?? The last I heard from him was wen I called him. He was in a bar drinking with some girl, before his trip overseas. He was saying she was the most awesome girl he’d ever met. Wen I asked who she was, so as to not push me away completely he said she is cool “like a sister”… Anyway, I was on my way to work and could not join him… so he basically said “well, see you wen I see you then, good luck with everything” and hung up on me while having an amazing time with this complete stranger. I felt so hurt and devastated. How could he say he wanted to marry me and have kids with me last week, and now this!!

    Anyway, he ended up leaving for 3 weeks, and never contacted me wen gone. Then the day he came back to town, he called me immediately, I missed the call and called back, and his phone was off. He was too proud to make the first move. So, I text him. We text back and forth a couple of times, and he invited me out the next day. I met up with him and his friend, we had a great night… altho I was sooo nervous at first. We did drink i have to say… but it was like we continued from where we had left off… it was perfect, and again he was telling the world (and all his friends who he was calling) he was going to marry me and have kids with me, I was “the one”.

    Then he had to go away to a friends’ family gathering over the weekend… he walked me home, everything was perfect, butI did not hear from him ALL weekend!! I text him, then he finally called me, and I met up with him again. He was somewhat reserved with his feelings… then as the night and the beers progressed, he was abusive and bossy with me again, with occasional spurts of “love and affection”.

    We were a bit drunk, and we had a huge fight where I cried, and he apologized, then we went home to my place. The fight was probably my fault bc I could not handle it anymore. He had introduced me to ppl as his friend, as tho he had just met me that night, wen 2 days earlier I was his future wife. When we got home he wanted to sleep with me and I said no. Then he told me how much he loved me, always had and always would… and I know it sounds like he was just trying to sleep with me, but it was really more than that… he went on to say he was really scared of loving me, and knew I was, but we would try harder. But he also said that I also had to understand that he would always go, but he would always come back. Anyways, he woke up in the morning, ANGRY!!! again!!! He had borrowed my rent money from me the night before, and pressured me into lending him the money, by accusing me of not trusting him. Then he woke up in the morning, and when he was getting dressed I asked him why he was leaving, he said I could come, but didn’t really seem like he wanted me to, he was angry. Then wen I asked if he could pay me back the money… he blew up and asked for receipts and said I was just using him for money. I told him it as not true. He then walked out… and I had no idea how I was going to pay rent or eat for the week.

    I emailed him an hour later, and he was online at the same time as me. He text me twice that day to ask for my account details, and emailed me as well (so i do give him that)… but I told him 2 forget about it bc I was so hurt and angry. I also sent him a super long email about EVERYTHING on my mind… including, that he “could” be bipolar, and cut and paste info. It was a very long email, I really told him how depressed I was… prob should not have, it prob stressed him more??

    Anyways, I told him I loved him more than words could explain, and that I could go with him if he wanted to a doctor, but not to contact me otherwise because he had torn me apart soo much. He never wrote back. I wrote again… I said, please just give me an explanation, I love you and I have been so depressed, please give me closure. Still nothing.
    Then today again (there’s been 4-5 days between each email) saying that I know he does not mean the things he says, but that I still love him more than anyone I have ever loved, and if he ever wanted me here as a friend I would be here for him, even if it meant 10 years from now. I also said that I would start dating other ppl again, since he had clearly broken up with me and was prob seeing other ppl himself.

    Like last time before he went overseas, he also ignored my heartfelt text message. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Anyway, I guess what I want to know is… what should I do! Leave him alone like last time, and then he will come back? Maybe he will never contact me again because I told him to look into the possibility that he is bipolar. He also has huge abandonment issues with his parents. He has no bro or sisters, no parents (he cut them out) and only his good guy friends from the last ten years are his family. Most are in relationships and married… does he not think about why they are, and he is not??

    What I want to know is… does he mean all these things he says to me? the good, the bad, both, neither? does he remember? MOST IMPORTANTLY, will he return? AND What should I do? How should I treat him? How will he ever learn he is bipolar if he has no family to intervene, and his guy friends will not ever do anything about it. I am so depressed, I have stayed in bed for 2 long, I am so drained, i have no energy to function. I feel used and so unbelieveably hurt.

    The other thing i forgot to mention… the last contact I had with him was the following email… What is your account nb, i will deposit wat I owe u. I can’t see you anymore, you and me are not good together, we drink too much and it scares me… its not you… its just that i don’t need another drinking buddy… that’s it. I feel like this is such an excuse as he drinks 1000 times more than me, and sometimes does coke if it is offered. But I think he truly believes this statement!!! I am at a loss…..

    Do i leave him alone, or contact him 2 remind him i love him? From wat I read on these posts, that is wat I shd do. I have already sent quite a lot of emails, five in 2 weeks, with no replies. I have not tried calling or texting, should I? Or do i leave him and he will return?? Usually i would feel so desperate and stupid doing all of this contact, but is this what he needs? 2 know I am always here and love him?? why does he disappear for so long all the time? sorry for all my questions AND LENGTH POSTING…. i am just in need of advice so dearly!!! Thanks for reading, and I wish u all so much more happiness, peace and courage in your lives 🙂

  65. Maggie May 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm #

    Denise, As I posted in a recent comment, I have been in a two year relationship with someone who, although undiagnosed (his sister is clinically diagnosed), fits every symptom of bipolar disorder…I have been left feeling abandoned, betrayed, hurt and confused by him so many times throughout the couse of our relationship (refer to my previous comment-it may ring a bell). In regard to your question of “what should you do”……My boyfriend has left our relationship more times than I care to count. Every time this has happened I am always the one to try and hold us together. In the face of his UNDESERVING callousness, verbal abuse, rejection and withdrawl, I constantly kept trying…And eventually we always got back together but ALWAYS at the expense of my energy, dignity and self respect. We have broken up again. He was threatening once again to leave the relationship and I finally told him if thats what he wants, to go ahead and leave. He has absolutely drained me. I have not heard from him in eleven days. I have not contacted him for eleven days, I have cried for eleven straight days. He has broken my heart. The thing is, it would be so easy for me to yet again call or show up at his place and make him look at the pain he has caused and help remind him of the genuine love I know he has for me-but to what avail?? So that he can leave again? So that when times get tough and I need his love too-he can reject me time and time again. He is in denial of his problems and shuns acccountability for anything. How can you have true intimacy with someone when you can’t feel acknowledged in the relationship too?? I know too well how painful this is but do know that it is a vicious cycle. I am hopeful that my refusing to chase after him may make him take a look at himself but I realy don’t know that it will. It is frightening the way your loved one can turn off. My heart goes out to you.

  66. denise May 13, 2008 at 4:20 am #

    Thank you for your support Denise… I really know wat u mean wen u say that u have lost your dignity, self respect and ENERGY!! I also know wat u mean wen u say that you have cried for 11 days straight… I feel your pain. I think we try 2 hard 2 hold onto the “good times” and the “fairytales” and most of all “HOPE”!!! We prob have a bit of a co-dependency thing, but how do u even distinguish between love and co-dependency anyway?? Isn’t it kind of a blurred line… bc wen u love someone so much u just want to be with them as much as possble, share everything you have and give all your love unconditionally. I don’t know if my guy will return, judging from everyones posts… probably, and he did last time. But the prob is, my guy seems to return many weeks later, who knows if it could even be months this time if he is overseas. Apparently with bipolar ppl “outta sight, outta mind” …. and that really causes me great pain. To think that I think about him every moment of the day, and even dream about him at night, and I might not have even passed through his mind in the last 13 days that he has been missing from my life. I wonder if I should have sent all the emails, some angry, some loving… maybe they turned him off me and I seem desperate?? Maybe I should have called or text msg’d?? I don’t even know if he is in the country 😦 My guy has also not been diagnosed, but I know that he has schizofrenia and other mental issues in his family… I don’t think he knows he has a prob?? Does he not wonder why he always gets angry at girlfriends?? does he not wonder why he cannot have a nice relationship with a girl like all his friends have with their gfs?? I know that it will be a constant battle… I have left it up to fate for now (or at least that’s wat I am saying today) …if he contacts me again, I will see him again, and I will try maybe to just be friends, i’m not sure…. maybe I will try again. I don’t want to show off, but there are a lot of guys that like me… and for 3 years I have been single, and he is the only guy I have liked. I have been in love rarely in my life… he is one of the few. So hard to let go… so painful 2 think I might not hear from him. I wonder if your guy will return now that u have broken up with him? I have a feeling he will eventually, if he always has in the past. It’s so easily said… but u need to somehow (myself also) find a way 2 get him 2 realize he has this problem and get into therapy and on meds. I also think that hypnotherapy cds that work on the subconscious could work somewhat, u can play them, and just say they are for u, he’ll still hear them. I also know of a herbal thing that I once took for depression that also works (they say) somewat 4 mood swings/bipolar… its called Clarocet. Maybe u could say that they work for general wellbeing like vitamins (they are herbal)… u can both take them, then he won’t think its aimed at him?? These r just ideas I have thought of in my many hours of depression, haha. I am new to all of this, so everyone will prob think this is absurd!! lol… but I am desperate!! These are just suggestions… I don’t know much, I am new to all of this. I wish u well, keep me posted.

  67. denise May 13, 2008 at 4:33 am #

    Maggie, I just read ur previous post again since u had referred to it…

    “It feels as if a leech has sucked me dry. you cannot live freely and have someone love you for you because you have to be constantly vigilant of what you say or do. I think the worst part of this type of relationship is the utter lack of empathy your partner feels for you when you are hurting.”

    I have tried this myself, watching every word I say, every move I make, shutting up wen he gets angry or tells me to… I sit there in disbelief at times! I am a very independent woman, i manage large numbers of ppl at times in my work… yet I am like an abused subservient housewife wen I am around him in one of these “moods”. Ppl would not recognize me… he turns me into something I loath, and something I stand against after seeing my dear g’ma who raised me for years in such a subservient /dictated relationship. How do u survive like this?? It really does suck u dry being on edeg all the time… and even for all your efforts wen u try, u are still put down!! Is it best I wonder, let me know… to just walk off and make it clear wen they get angry, that u will not be treated like that, and that wen they are less angry you will be waiting for them, and u love them…. and then to just leave (no matter how hard)- in order to save yourself! Something 2 think about (and test out) I guess…

  68. Kelsey May 15, 2008 at 11:05 pm #

    My long-term boyfriend and I just broke up recently. He was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago. When I fell in love with him, he seemed completely normal. He told me he was diagnosed but he said he felt fine lately. I am very deeply in love with him and I would do anything to help him… but as other people have said, things weren’t always so pretty. I chewed too loud, typed too loud, talked too loud, ate too much, etc. I spent half the time trying to figure out what the hell I was doing wrong all the time and if I really was so annoying. He used to come home from work and some days he would be perfectly happy to see me, and others not so much… he would yell at me because his room was too hot or slam things around. He would get angry at me or accuse me of things that I would never dream of doing and tell me to get out. I would leave and then he would always call me or ask me to come back and that he was really sorry and “didn’t understand” why he felt that way and couldn’t control it. I know he frustrates himself all the time with his behavior, or he used to. He isn’t receiving any treatment and I begged him since he started to get like this… he said he needed to “figure things out on his own.” Recently he started hanging out with people who aren’t people he would normally be around, going out all the time, making “spurratic plans”, and drinking a lot. I used to never even get him out of the house to go to have dinner with friends. He was always wanting to be home to relax. I would do anything for him, but I came to the conclusion that I should probably go ahead and leave him to himself for now and make sure he damn well knows that if he ever needs anything, to let me know. I didn’t want to leave him… god, I did not. But I just had to. It’s hard when you’re trying and trying and you’re getting ignored, or downed all the time. I just wish he would get help and it frustrates me most of all that I cannot make him! I KNOW that he is such a beautiful person. I just wish he would realize that he can’t do this by himself, and just get help. He used to be on medication but it made him suicidal so he refuses to go on it again. Everyone is telling me to “get over” him and “let him go” and I’m doing the best I can. God knows I’d love to move on completely. But he’s sick and I really love him. For a long time, he was doing really well and I have always held onto that. None of my friends understand what it truly means to go through this particular situation and I feel so alone. I’ve never been so depressed and had this bad of anxiety. I worry about him all the time, as I’m afraid he will hurt himself. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m supposed to do to grieve the relationship and try to be happy. I’ve never had this hard of a time even beginning to let someone go. I am extremely lost. Anyways, I’m glad I found this. I wish I would have found it a long time ago.

  69. Chris June 1, 2008 at 10:16 pm #

    im so glad i found this site… its not my fault.. everything makes sense now…

  70. denise June 2, 2008 at 11:42 am #

    Chris, I am glad u found this site. It is a gr8 support. You realize ur not the only one out there wen u read all the posts, and like u said, u realize it’s not all YOUR fault. It makes it somewhat easier when questions you have been dying to have answered, are finally answered. I had to cut off from my guy. I can’t stop thinking about him, but I did wat was best for me. I don’t know if I will ever fall in love again or trust again. I don’t think I will ever see him again either. It was so easy for him to move on, yet a couple of weeks earlier I was everything to him and he told everyone I was his future wife. It was too abusive, I was so depressed I did not get out of bed for over a month. I begged so many times, shut my mouth so many times, lost my dignity and looked weak (which he finds unattractive), and was always said to be playing “the victim” -which is actually his starring role. He lied to me, humiliated me in front of all his friends, and MY friends, borrowed money with the intention of never paying back and I could not pay rent, and the list goes on… Time makes it easier, and getting busy helps. I still miss him so much tho. Wen he was sweet, he was sweeter than anyone I have ever known. The only way to stop going back to him… was to delete his number, email address, etc… If I really want I can find him, we have mutual friends (we kno each other fr high school), but it helps not being able to “easily” contact him. Sometimes I think he might just pop up out of the blue weeks or months from now… maybe he will?? Ppl have said that bipolar ppl usually return after their time-outs… we’ll see… he has done it twice before. This time I think it is different tho – I hung up on him and told him to never contact me again. If he returns it will be so hard to say no, but just as hard going back into it knowing it will happen again. Plus he is not medicated, has no idea he has a problem…. it’s just everyone else with the problem. His friends are oblivious. I wish you well with your loved one, and hope this site is just as helpful to you as it has been to me.

  71. cleveland June 9, 2008 at 12:15 am #

    my boyfriend is bipolar and things at times can be very hard. i didnt know for the first 8 months we were together, i just thought that sometime he can just be a real jerk. one night i over heard him telling his sister that he has it. we havent talked about it at all. right now he is in a really bad place and i found out he isnt just treating me bad but also his best friend. i know it sounds bad but it kind of makes me relieved that he is acting like this to his friend as well cause then i dont feel like im doing something wrong.

    he doesnt yell or call me names but he distances himself from me really badly. i cant help but ask often if he still loves me or wants to be with me. ill text him and tell him that i miss him and he sends stuff back like im sorry. i dont understand how he can go days without me cause it makes me want to die when he isnt around. i love him very much and dont want to give up. it just hurts so much when he is down. lately i find myself resenting him when he is around though i dont say anything. is that bad?

    i know he wont get help and he wont talk to me or his friends, but right now things are bad. my heart hurts all the time and im afraid to talk to him about it and the disorder cause i dont think he even knows that i over heard him telling her. i just need to find out how to make it easier and when he wants to be distant should i let him be?

  72. denise June 9, 2008 at 2:37 am #

    hello cleveland, i kno it is very hard, ad sometyms we even have to wonder if they love us. In my case I really don’t think he loves me. We had a fight, I hung up on him, and now it has been 3 weeks and no word… think he has moved on… it hurts very much. As for you tho, it sounds as tho he really does love u as he is able to hold back from being abusive and altho he disappears sometyms, when u txt he still txts back. My guy would not even text or call back wen he disappreard, and sometym this would be like 2 days after he told me he wanted to marry me and have kids with me one day!! I do believe that they really need their space, and we have to give it to them…. which really f sux bc sometyms u just want to b around them all the tym bc u love them so much! rm wat i have read -postings by bipolar ppl- wen they go thru certain cycles they need to b alone, and cannot stand the presence of the ppl they love most… there is no explanation why… that’s just how it is! Give him his space… u will just have 2 b strong and keep busy during those periods. Wen the come back they are all refreshed. My ex would always be so happy 2 c me and sooo in love with me wen he returned. As for the facing him about his problem… that is very delicate, but it needs to be done. MAybe u shd just be honest and tell him u accidentally overheard… altho he will bring it back later in a fight and turn it against u. U still need 2 bring it up… if he doesn’t get help it will get worse and worse. Brinit up delicately, very casually like it is nothing, wen he is in his “happy” mood. My guy doesnt even kno he has it… i sent him emails, I’m sure he read them… but I think he is going to b in denial for a long time… t’ll have to get really bad, something will have to happen, for him 2 ever c this. Good luck n keep us posted…

  73. cleveland June 10, 2008 at 12:23 am #

    thank you denise so much for responding to my blog. i have been looking for someone to talk to about all this and now i finally have found something better. i have found people that live with this on a daily basis and also people who have bipolar. i dont think anyone else could understand but all of you. it totally amazed me last night. i filled out my blog and checked it later only to smile and hold back my tears on joyfulness that someone actually responded to help me. my night seemed to only get better cause later my boyfriend called me while he was at work. that never happens when he is there or even when he isnt for that matter cause he hates talking on the phone. but he was so sweet to me and talked for the few mins he had. at the end of the conversation he said i love you first. i needed that so bad and he finally gave me that feeling of love for the first time in almost 3 weeks. the text he sent me later were very sweet as well. a few were his usual “what did you do all day and with who?” there was also a “your other boyfriend”comment thrown in the text but it didnt seem to serious, i just assured him that there is no one else and answered the questions he asked honestly and with details to make him feel better. i dont have anything to hide. but im keeping my fingers crossed that his bad feeling is gone and hoping that my boyfriend is back. i wont really be able to tell til tomorrow night that is if he stays with me. its just hard realizing that the good wont stay for long before hell is back…

  74. denise June 10, 2008 at 11:35 am #

    Cleveland, I am so happy that I was able to bring a bit of happiness and relief to you. Enjoy your bf while times r good, but just remember that it will always revert to bad, and protect yourself for those times. Give him his space. Just a question… does your bf disappear sometimes? if so, how long for? Is it u that always initiates the contact again? How long have u gone out for? I am wondering at the moment wat i shd do… i am dying inside, i miss him so much!!!!! He really is a part of me somehow?? He has been gone almost 3 weeks. I hung up on him and told him he was schizo and to stay away from me. He did some pretty terrible things that pushed me ovr the edge. He then turned it around and said I WAS crazy, and really believed it!! ANyways, we have known each other since high school, but only gone out since feb, and in that tym I have spent more time away from him than with him, and I always initiate. I was going to b strong and not lose MORE dignity…. plus he told me he just wanted something causal (sex)….altho for months b4 that I was “the one” and he wanted to marry me. Do I wait longer or do I initiate contact…I’m not sure?? Anyways… just venting. Thanks for reading.

  75. cleveland June 10, 2008 at 11:27 pm #

    my boyfriend and i have been together for 10 months now and we too have know each other for a long time, since middle school. we both had crushes on each other back then but just never seemed to come together til this year. its not so much like he dissapears but just becomes distant. i will only get a few text from him in a day and i wont see him sometimes for a couple but he still will text somewhat. they just are very simple yes and no answers and no replys back to i love you or i miss you unless they are kind of mean replies.

    i know how it is to love someone so much it actually is over whelming sometimes. i know what it feels like to love someone more than you could ever love yourself. i dont know if you feel the same way but i can tell that this man means a great deal to you. he definatly is someone you want in your life, but you cant make someone be there as i have been learning with my boyfriend. i would say talk to him. he isnt gonna know how you really feel without you telling him. and maybe you already have but tell him again. you know what really helps me is if i write down everything i want to say. i know that sometimes when i get in the situation of talking i get so nervous and jumbled that i cant focus which makes my words at less of an impact. when you write it use alot of examples and describe things. be very open all in words. when it comes time for you to give it to him to read dont mail it or call him first, just go someplace where you know he will be and simply say…i have something for you to read and it might take a little time. i would really like to be here when you do and i was wondering if right now is ok?

    another thing to keep in mind the whole casual sex thing could just be a mood swing or maybe he thinks he wouldnt be able to make you happy so he doesnt want it to go further. but please dont be nieve. keep in mind that there is a chance that maybe his feelings have changed for you. prepare yourself for all the outcomes and make sure you can handle any of them before you make contact again.

    if your ready i would go for it. its not fair for you to wait around. you gave him space and time. now you need to know what the future holds with him so you can start living it or start healing. i wish you the best of luck and i really want things to work out for you. please keep me posted denise.

    ps funny question where do you live? ha ha cause i know some of the people on here said england. i live in michigan…

  76. denise June 11, 2008 at 8:52 am #

    Thanks so much for your words and support, it really means so much. You are the first person to reply to a post of mine. I think the letter idea is a great idea if he reads it in front of me… I get so nervous around him sometimes. We have also known each other since we were kids, and have the most craziest things in common. He is the only guy in the world that has lived the same life as me… he even says “parallel lives”.

    I am not sure how to go about this… but I might make some small initial contact thu email first. He always responds after it has been a while wen I call, he usually does not answer to emails… but I think I am not ready to lose my dignity too much at the moment!! haha. Everytime I have told him I would never contact him again, I still have. This time was supposed to be different. But I miss him so much, and I am not sure if he is just pushing me away bc of his moods or because he thinks that it will be more heartache for both him and me. I have written lots of really long emails in the past about my feelings, and he never replies, he doesn’t even mention them when we see each other again. After we’ve been apart for a while, he is always happy to hear from me tho… but rarely makes the first move. As i write this I am thinking I might wait another couple of weeks or a month before initiating… since there is a chance he could initiate first. If he does not it will give him his time out. He is also busy and travels a lot -so manages to move on from all the ppl (friends also) that he fights with, with ease. I have a feeling he is depressed or in a weird mood, on face book he had 100 friends, and has now deleted all these ppl, only has 20 left… that is not normal behaviour!! Oh well, I will keep u posted. Thanks again for your reply. Pls keep me posted on your progress as well. : ) ps – I live in Australia, funny how love is the same in all hemispheres, haha.

  77. cleveland June 12, 2008 at 5:56 pm #

    yeah i seemed to have spoke to soon. he text me today and ended things. this is the first time i think my my heart has ever felt pain like this before. its so overwhelming i cant seemed to take a breath. he said he hasnt been happy for a while with me, but he never told me anything like that. when i would ask him he always said yes. he stayed last and told me he loved me. we had such a great night. he held me in the dark and i remember falling asleep with a smile to the feeling of his breathing on my neck.

    i know it that it might accutally be for the best but i cant help thinking that things ended to sudden and this whole situation wasnt fair to me.

    -its now the next day. i started drinking yesterday and didnt stop so i couldnt finish this. i know that it was self destructive and i dont drink often but for once last night i went out and did something i wanted to do. it made sleeping a little better cause the first night alone is always ruff.

    i just cant believe that this is happening. my heart hurts so bad. i want him to came back but i also dont think that i could let him back into my life. i cant go through another break up with him and thats only where it will lead. i just want him to hold me and kiss me again. i just miss his love…

  78. cleveland June 12, 2008 at 6:41 pm #

    I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
    or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
    I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
    in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

    I love you as the plant that never blooms,
    but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
    thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
    risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

    I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
    I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
    so I love you because I know no other way
    than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
    so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
    so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

  79. denise June 17, 2008 at 8:16 pm #

    Dear Cleveland, i am so sorry to hear about what happened, I know how unbearable the pain can be, and how hard it is when you don’t get closure. You want answers to the many questions you have, you want to make sense of it all… but they will never make sense, bc the things they do to us never make sense, they don’t even know why they behave this way. Its so hard to think that a couple of days earlier he said you were his soulmate, and then now he does not love you anymore?? How can that be??? My bf did the same to me… a couple of times, and each time I had to go thru the breakup all over again!! I really don’t think that they can just stop loving us overnight like that! They must still love us, but be in one of their “moods” -they also have probs dealing with their emotions. Every now and then when things are too perfect (in love) they remember that “love just means pain” — therefore it is best to break things off before smething painful happens. This is what I have read on various websites that bipolar ppl have posted on. I really want my guy back as well, altho I know i shd run!! …. I have never loved anyone like this before, and so many things tell me that we were meant to be together… i know it sounds cliche!! If I am honest with myself I know that he will destroy me again and again, and not be good for me. He is not officially diagnosed, but I know that even if he was and took meds, and saw a pschologist… from wat I read, the road will still always be rocky. Everytime he broke up with me for no reason -outa the blue- when things were going so beautifully…. it was hard, and each tme was even harder and I suffered great depressions where I could not get myself out of bed for weeks at a time. I have left him, had no contcat for a month… then last night I wrote him an email saying that I just wished him well, and I wanted to clear the air and end things nicely. WHo knows… he may never even reply, sometimes he just chooses to ignore me for ages…. I might actually never hear from him or see him again in my life, which saddens me…. but I am thru with losing my dignity and begging. He knows I love him, I’ve sent enuff emails, he needs to put in some effort as well… i deserve that at the least… and so do you, Cleveland. I think you should not take it to heart (easily said!) what your bf said… how many times do they says things just to hurt us!! He cannot mean it really, if three days earlier he was so in love. He says he has had these feelings for a while, but I think he was just saying that to get a reaction, as they love to do. They really love to hurt us, and see the damage they can cause, they really seem to enjoy it when they are in these “moods”. It is going to be very hard, but give him his space for a while, could be a month or two. Maybe send him a short email or text telling him you love him, always will, and if he ever wants to be friends or come to you, you will always be there for him, but you will leave him to decide when as you realise he might need space. He will always have that email, and he will always know you love him, so if he wants to come back when his “mood” changes again… he will know it is possible. Apparently they always end up coming back… mine has come back the 2 times he left me…. this time might be different though… especially bc mine travels… so outa sight, outa mind 😦 We have both known our guys since we were kids, so there will always be somewhat of a bond there, more than with anyone else. Also, remember, that if he cannot make it with u, chances are very very very slim that a relationship with anyone else lasts, or that any new girl puts up with half of what we do! Last time I saw my guy he was very hurtful, he was so nice to me and in love, and after he slept with me he just ignored me. I felt so betrayed and worthless and made a fool of. He also told me we could not be friends (without sex) the way he can be with this other girl (a mutual friend) that we know from high school, bc things are just different with her, she is like a sister…. but they have slept together 3 times in the past…. she lives in another city, has 2 kids, and does not live in the same world as we do… we are both actors. It hurts that he belittles who I am to him. I wonder if he will write back?? Let me know how everything goes Cleveland… i wish you lots of luck, and most of all lots of strength. Write wenever u lyk, writing really helps to get thru tough times : )

  80. cleveland June 19, 2008 at 11:58 pm #

    um yeah so the past week has been hell. i just hurt so much and was having a hard time dealing with it. and then last night he came up to the bar i was at. he atleast text me and asked me if it was ok first. i wanted to play it cool and act like it didnt bother me so i said yeah come on up. all of our friends were there like every wedsday night so i wouldnt be alone. he asked me if i wanted to play pool so i said yes. he looked so good and i was trying real hard not to stare at him. we started talking about everything and i knew where it was going. i was so scared and i dont know why. maybe because i wasnt sure what i was gonna say if he did ask me to come back. he told me that he missed me and that he has been misserable the past week. about how all he could think of was me and he made a mistake. that all the reasons he broke up with me in the first place werent important anymore cause he would rather have me in his life than without. we ended up talking for hours about everything. i told him how i felt about everything and he listened and talked with me which was really nice. in the end the deal breaker was when he kissed me he started to cry and i melted right back into his arms. i have never seen him like that before. i did tell him that this is it, if it doesnt work out this time dont bother coming back cause i wont have it. i dont want to play the back and forth game but i would like us to have a second chance. so we are both pretty happy for now. im not sure how long thats gonna last though. heres hoping for a long time. i know that my room mate is very pissed about all of this. she is my best friend but she is very controlling over me and lets just say she hates my boyfriend. i guess ill just have to keep them out of the same room ha ha :/

    denise-did he respond to your e mail yet? i really hope that he does you seem like a very sweet person. i wish they just understood that forgiving people like all of us on here dont come around as easily as they may think. it takes a very special person to be with someone who is so unpredictable. i hope he realizes that you do try because you care about him. please keep me up dated-let me know if he wakes up 🙂

  81. denise June 21, 2008 at 7:08 am #

    Hello Cleveland, thanks so much for you email and support. I am soooo happy for you. It is so nice when they come back to their senses!! 🙂 I really do think that your bf loves you… but as you know, it will prob happen again, and we will feel pain again… but, that being said, there is still hope. Have you discussed the “bipolar” thing with him?? … I know wat u mean about ur friends. I think it is so easy 4 ppl to say “forget about him, he is no good” …it s so easy to say, but a lot of ppl who say this, if they were in the same situation they would do the same thing. Your friend prob really is just worried and cares a lot for you, does not want to see you hurt again…. but a bit of supprt is nice when u love someone so much. Also, ppl cannot understand when they kno nothing about bipolar. I knew nothing about bipolar b4, I would have just thought the person was a jerk before I read up on it.

    Well, my guy has not returned the email. I though he had perhaps not been online bc he is overseas working, prob very busy. But when I checked his fcebk page… I am a bit of a stalker, hahaha…. I am not friends with him on there, but I can look at his friend list… and he has added another friend… therefore he has been on, ignored me. I am dealing with things okay this week, considering. Just keeping very busy. I really miss him soooooo much tho. It’s just not fair! Even my flatmate says that it is so sad, as we were like the perfect couple, had soooo much in common, and have known each other since we were kids, was like a fairytale. I know that he will never find another person better matched, and he must know that…. why does he destroy all his relationships that matter?? He doesn’t even talk to his mother!! I really think he hates women sometimes. Maybe he will write again one day… I’m sure he will one day… but who knows, could be years from now. We have all the same friends from high school, so he’ll hear about me, and me him, every now and then. I could not help myself, I wrote another email… just 2 tell him the good news that I got a REALLY amazing promotion at work!!! We work in the same industry. Anyways… for now I always live with hope… I am a sucker for hope!! haha. Please keep me posted on your situation. Again, thanks for ur supprt, and i hope he sees things clearly from hereon as it sounds like u are both very much in love.

  82. cleveland June 23, 2008 at 12:03 am #

    well im sorry to hear that he didnt respond. i was hoping to hear that he did. and yes i do agree that friends dont understand sometimes. in your off time have you been going out at all and trying to talk to anyone new? i know that i didnt talk to anyone in that sense but i did try to get out of the house as often as possible. duane-thats my boyfriend-he is a little better but its still to early to tell i guess. i really want to take things slow this time around. im happy to hear you got a promotion by the way-congrats!!! and your not a stalker for checking up on him ha ha i would and have done the same kinda stuff. all it is is curiosity ha ha. stick to that story ha ha. this is really nice-i know it sounds kinda corny but i actually look forward to hearing your responses. it makes me feel alot better. cause all of my friends are very unsupportive and here is this person who lives across the world from me and really is hopping for the best instead of waiting to tell me i told you so. its always good to have hope denise. dont let anyone tell you different. he is what makes you happy. he is the man you love and are willing to try and work things out with-why wouldnt you hope that comes to his senses? he is important to you and that is obvious. i hope he does too 🙂

  83. denise July 3, 2008 at 10:43 am #

    Hello Cleveland, thanks for ur reply, it really is so nice to feel as though someone understands and supports. How crazy is it wen one finds support with someone on the otha side of the world! Pity those around us cannot be there for us, wat has the world come to! lol. That being said, thank god for sites like this that enable us to connect. I know our friends worry, but a bit of support would be nice. My friends are totally ovr it now, and just tell me to move on, he is a bastard. Wish it was so easy! To answer ur ? – I don’t go out and meet other ppl. I am just not interested in other ppl. I am still in love with my guy, and no one compares to him. I know its wrong – and when I am honest I know he is bad for me and in fact, he cannot compare to anyone bc he is such a bastard… but I love him!! So… since I saw u – lots has happened… and only in the last 2 days!! I was out at a cafe/bar near my house, minding my own business, at night, with a close guy friend. I was talking about my guy (whose name also starts with a D, lol) and literally 20 seconds after I finished talking about D…. who should walk past… D, himself! I was shocked!! Had not had contact in about 2 months! I was just starting to slowly get over him and realise inside that he didn’t love me and I would never see him again! I felt so nervous! I went to the bathroom, I was shaking and almost vomited. It was almost too much for me!! I love him… but he scares me bc he always leaves a trail of destruction behind, and I end up in a complete and utter depression that takes me at least a month to get out of. Anyways… he was back in town for 2 days, and then off again. He was on his way to my house when he saw me sitting at the corner cafe. He came to see me while he was here for only 2 days… which was really nice in a way. I think I always knew somewhere inside, and still do now… that he will always come back. He always used to tell me, ‘I always go, but I always come back’ … very bipolar behaviour! So, we had a gr8 nite out with my friends. But… he does not have an atm card, bc he does not trust himself with not blowing away all his money, and only gets money from walking into the bank to keep it under control. He asked me to pay and said we would have a gr8 nite out, and he wd pay me back the next day. He said this to me once before… and never paid me. Yelled at me for “using him” instead. I could not pay rent that week! This time I thought (my problem: hope) that it would be diff…. bc he just got a huge job where he was paid ovr 100k. He swore he didnt pay last time bc he was broke. This time he swore he would pay me everything back, even the money from last time. I believed him, spent my rent money again… and the next day he gave me only 20 bucks. I said nothing… wat’s it gona change if i do say somthing?? He will yell at me, I’ll be even more depressed and hurt, and wont see the money anyway.

    That night he kept telling me that he really wanted to make it work btwn us, and that he really wanted me to move with him to the new city he is moving to (which I am incidentally also moving to for work). Wenever I rolled my eyes or laughed it off, he was really serious, and told me to take it serously as well. He told me he loved me and wanted us to have children together etc etc. He always tells me these things… and I know this is weird to say, but I swear he really does mean them. Ok, he was drunk. But in the morning wen we woke up, he also kept saying all these things. We walked around, and he held my hand, we hugged and kissed really affectionately etc etc. When we woke up he really insisted on taking me out to a really nice lunch, and he did. Then… he got kinda angry at the waitress for taking 4eva… thn went really quiet after we left the restaurant. We went and sat down somewhere outside in the sun, and we were hugging and kissing really affectionately, and he was saying it was really nice. When I told him I missed him already, he said he liked hearing that. Then, I had to go to work. He didn’t even accompany me to the bus, was still really quiet, said goodbye, and I have not heard from him since. I sent him 2 nice, kinda fun, text msgs… and nothing!!

    The other thing… he has read every single email I have sent him, and I think he has considered that he might have bipolar!! When we were at the restaurant, he casually, outa nowhere, brought it up. He said “wat is that disease u think I have? Bolar, polar??” …as if u would not know that name?? I casually said “oh, bipolar?” And he said “yes, so what is it exactly?” So I explained it to him in a very casual “watever” kinda way, mentioning many times along the way that he “might or might not” have it, “who knows”. Didn’t want to push it. He actually took time to think about it, look very concentrated, and then said “yeah, maybe I do?? Who knows. Maybe I do??” –SO I said, “yeah maybe”. Then he asked a couple more questions about it, and then concluded that he “probably does not” because of whatever… dont remember the excuse. But I think he might actually know he has it, but bc he is so proud, is slowly testing the waters just to see how I feel about it. Maybe he even knows and has just never told me?? He has brought up weird stuff in the past… such as: “i bet u some women take meds and u would never know” … Just outa the blue, no reason?? OR “why do ppl cry, I just dont get it??” -when we were watching a movie… wat kind of a ? is that I thought?? Then the other night he admitted to me that he cries every night. He was drunk when he told me, but when I laughed, he was serious and I apologized.

    Aaaahhh!! Now I probably wont c him for months… again!! I can’t believe this!! Why doe he always have to leave for so long, yet always come back for so short? Most ppl think he is just using me… and to tell the truth he is! …but that being said, I also KNOW he loves me, but I think he is just messed (sorry please don’t take any offence anyone) in the head and cannot handle his strong emotions he has for me, and gets paranoid and scared, and runs away as quickly as he can. I just don’t know why someone would tell me all these beautiful things and have all these future plans to be with me in their head, one minute, and then the next minute not talk to me for weeks, sometimes months… yet always return, and always return with the same force! He could be using me for sex, but he would not have to go that far and say all those things, and say them wen he is sober as well after we have slept together. I think he always knows when he does the wrong thing, but does not realise this until later. Bc he always brings things up that I think he would not remember (even small things) and casually apologises for them. Still does not change the fact that I am hurt, lied to, practically stolen from!!

    I don’t know wat 2 do?? I am still a bit hurt… but to tell the truth, I am mainly numb this time around. I think this could actually be his last chance with me as more than a friend. He actually is starting to turn me off with his verbal diarrhoea -i learnt how to spell that word from a tv commercial last night… hope its right, lol! He really talks a lot of shit, and always contradicts himself. Sometimes I truly don’t think that he even knows what he is talking about!! Plus he is so far up himself. This is all mainly when we go out and drink, this verbal diarrhoea and talking contradictions. But… then again, fuck! No!-I still love him, haha. I think I have learnt that he will always go, always lie, always come back, I’ll always be hurt. I want to stay away, but don’t know if I will nxt time he comes around. I feel so used. I just wish I knew for sure if he means the things he says??

    Well, this is very long…. sorry to selfishly just talk about me, me, me! lol. I think I just really needed to vent. How are things going with you? I hope things are going well. I think your guy is a little more “stable” than my guy. He seems to do less disappearing acts, and when he does for less time. Have you at all had a chance to get around to casually, very slightly, very quickly, touching on the subject of him perhaps being bipolar? If I see my guy again (who knows??) I am going to keep at it… but very subtly, and let him drift there again. Oh, and by the way.. he reconnected with his mum after all these years, bc of me kind of. I always talk to my mum, and he saw that. And both are mum’s are very similar and from the same backgrounds, so me and my mum remind him of him and his mum maybe?? I really think that he read the bipolar links I sent him. He used to get mad at his mum for nothing, yell at her, abuse her and leave. Now he said he sits there and when she nags, he just lets her have it and zones out, slouches fwd so she knows he hates it, but keeps his anger in control. I told him women just need to vent – like when I write him long letters – and he said he has been thinking about things and really understands “things” and “women” better…. meaning I think…. that he has read the bipolar info I sent in an email, read it, and realised he prob does get angry a lot and has tried to maybe monitor it a little more. He does actually seem a little less anger-driven than usual. He didn’t have a full mood swing with me. He usually turns angry, then disappears -after he has fallen in love again and sworn to marry me. This time he just went quiet – then disappeared, lol – Wow! so much better, lol! Actually yes… i hate the anger. writing this post, I am really starting to think that he has been monitoring his anger. Wow! -Still disappears though. Look fwd to ur nxt post cleveland… sorry for the long long detailed venting session, lol.

  84. cleveland July 5, 2008 at 6:52 am #

    hello denise-
    i really couldnt tell you if he was using you or not. i tend to fall for the act. id like to think that someone could love me as much as they say or else why would they say it?! im not saying that your guy is guilty of this, im just saying. i am happy that you got to see him after so long. have him around even if it was just a short amount of time. at the same time im sad not that he left because he had to but that he didnt even bother to keep in touch once again. and dont be sorry about writing a long message. this page really does help and its good to vent. i wouldnt respond if i didnt care to hear about whats going on just like you wouldn’t. 🙂

    it sounds like he might really be recongnizing the fact that he might have a problem. (i can’t spell ha ha). but really i dont think he would have been so interrested about it unless a spark went off. my dad used to say something to me when i was younger. now dont take it as its said, think outside cause it relates to us. he said a “man can cheat on his wife and still love her.”
    i think that sometimes men do things that arent right, or hurtful, or down right shitty, but that doesnt mean they don’t love us. he can be mean and treat you like crap and still love you denise but that doesn’t make it right. IM JUST AS GUILTY so please don’t take this as an attack on you-i would never be so one sided. im just saying it amazes me how many times we forgive and over look some things.- im gonna post this and write more later cause im at work and its time for me to go home ha ha-i work midnights so i really want out of here ha ha…(to be cont.)

  85. denise July 5, 2008 at 9:14 am #

    Hello Cleveland,

    Thanks so much for your reply. I really look fwd to ur posts. It’s really nice to kno that someone out there cares, supports and understands my choices 🙂 I am also in a rush, btwn crazy work schedules n dealing with my depression, and being completely emotionally and physically drained! I have NO energy!! I always feel this way after he leaves. He always pops up at the VERY worst time also! I know wat u mean about the shit we put up with tho! Seriously, we women are such forgiving and loving souls. It is hard to know why someone wd go out o their way to hurt u so much. From wat I have read they hurt us to feel in control, and to kno that we will still love them no matter wat, unconditionally – which is really hard a concept to grasp. Have you also read something similar to this?

    A post I read said… “they say terrible things and try to cause the most possible pain because they desparately need us to show them that we’ll love them no matter what.” Another quote was “never ever believe that he means the nasty things he says. If you didn’t matter to him, he would not be interested in hurting you. He does it because he loves you and he is terrified of losing you. Paradoxically, he hurts you because that’s his security blanket.”

    I know with D, he says he loves me, and tests my love with questions like “what is the most important thing to you in the world?” and “u can only pick one” –god forbid I said “you and my career” (which is the truth, haha) ….I said “you” and he said “good, that’s what I want to hear, that’s really good, because we can really make this work for us”. Then when I said “I miss you already” he said “I like to hear that”. I think it is tru, he always needs to feel love and know that I still mean it and have not changed. BUT it is so damn OBVIOUS!! I put up with all the shit and constantly tell him I love him and miss him!!! Duhhh??? haha. (sorry, no offense to anyone out there, its just so frustrating).

    Its really hard to understand. I mean… R we just meant to be punching bags forever?? Always understanding and there for them?? Never question them and make them feel bad about their actions?? They are never there for us!! I really need him right now too, I really miss him. I am very stressed with my current project and it would be a great thing to have a proper bf to come home to -or even just call- to talk things over with and cuddle with. Or at this stage I would even be happy with a text msg… some acknowledgement!! Why can i not have a normal bf??!! –u know, I only see him about 1-3 days at a time, and then he disappears overseas for work (if that is even tru, starting to wonder if he is a pathological liar) and then a month later I see him again for a couple of days. Everytime he sees me he wants to marry me and have kids with me, and tells the world I am his future wife, etc… he says we are perfect together… our story really does sound like a fairytale to the outside world, parallel lives, known each other since we were kids and everything else we bizarely have in common with no one else… but then, as soon as he tells me all these things and opens up, just as quickly he runs away and does not reply to any of my msgs?? It is the weirdest behaviour, changes so quickly, he is Jekyl and Hyde. He is in love one minute, and I am not kidding, he can snap and change into really quiet or angry in hours, even minutes. I really think he is a rapid cycler.

    In the last 4 days I have sent 5 texts, and nothing!! The day before he was getting annoyed when I didn’t take him seriously about the marriage and kids stuff he was saying, and the fact that he wanted to make it work btwn us and have me live with him in LA… I think he seriously has rapid cycling, there is no other explanation, other than an evil sociopath that loves to hurt ppl. I think he must treat his mother like this as well. I feel so sorry for her. She moved to the city we live in, just to be near him, and barely ever sees him. Like, maybe 1-2 times a year, if that! Now that he is MIA, I wonder if he is depressed and living in a dark dingy little room balling his eyes out, or if he is living it up –on a high– partying. Who knows?? I wish I had a secret camera attached to head, haha.

    Usound just like me, very forgiving as well. Why do we fall for the act? I’m like u, I also feel as though they must mean all the beautiful things they say to us, bc otherwise… why even bother saying them?? I mean u can tell a girl all kinds of things to get her into bed, but u don’t have to make plans to get married and have kids, share ur inner feelings, and say that you have never loved anyone that much in ur life!! Thats a bit over the top and dramatic, a bit too much effort if u ask me.

    All of that being said… I am glad I saw him, altho it is not healthy. And thank u for understanding, and being happy for me. everyone else seems to not even want to hear his name, some ppl even seem to have distanced themselves from me (maybe lost respect for me) bc I gave him another chance and again was left behind to pick up the pieces. Everyone keeps warning me, and telling me to stay away from him. Thanks for understanding cleveland, it means a lot. You mentioned that he left, “but he had to”. I thought about that… and u r right. I wish other ppl would understand this as well. Leaving, must be out of their control?? Altho u can never kno wat they are doing REALLY wen they disappear. Luckily ur guy is a little more stable and sends you texts and calls wen he is MIA.

    Sometyms I wonder… r they just great actors and love to go around hurting women and being powerful, or are they truly in love and just mentally ill and unable to deal with these feelings?? I constantly waver btwn these two reasons. One minute I think he must be the most evil man on the planet and just takes pleasure in hurting and using women, and the next minute I think he really loves me but just cannot help himself from being the way he is, and I actually feel sorry for him when I think that he must go through severe depressions, if he does?? I only see him wen he is happy. I’ve noticed that he returns on a high always, so in love with me its crazy, so happy to see me, then gets angry or very quiet, then disappears without a word or reply for weeks, then returns again, and the cycle repeats… I am starting to see the pattern, but happens quicker now… especially since he is not on meds or even diagnosed. I am glad that he may be starting to realise that something is not right, and he may be bipolar. After he read the info I emailed him, i think he must have recognised himself. I think I will send him more info, I’m sure he will read it. He recognised that he gets angry, and has been monitoring it. He has not been angry this time around which was a huge thing!! Next he has to recognise that he disappears… I’ll cut and paste that info next email! haha. He won’t listen… but I know for a fact now that he reads all my long emails and texts, and he always remembers random details that I would think he would not remember. I think u r right, I think a spark went off, or the interest would just have not been there. So… how are things with u, and your guy, Duane? Are you seeing him at the moment? How is his behaviour? Also, over time have you been able to recognize a cyclical pattern in his behaviour/moods? I hope all is well for you, and you are both happily and peacefully together at he mo. Look fwd to hearing from u.

  86. Tattered July 8, 2008 at 5:00 am #

    I so glad I found this post and comments. I’ve felt so alone and now I’m sitting in the guest room planning my escape. Not really an escape. My bipolar boyfriend knows there’s a chance come morning my dogs and I will be long gone. Yet, if we’re not, it won’t matter.

    You see if I stay, he’ll come home happy to see me but then minutes later I’ll say the wrong thing or react the wrong way to his behavior and its off to the dog house I go. Mean words, pepper shakers, garbage cans tossed through the air. And me sitting by straight faced as not to give away my true feelings of total fear.

    8 months ago I had no clue the cute smiling guy could ever speak to me the vile things my ears have painfully swallowed.

    At first I thought it was my sensitive nature but then I realized it was him. I didn’t have to do much at all. He would supply his own fuel for his out bursts.

    I learned he’s not the only one in his family to suffer but he is the only one who won’t go on meds. Meanwhile, I walk on eggshells praying “if I just do this or that” maybe he’ll even out.

    I even tried not REACTING to him because I know its just an illness. But like so many who replied to this post – I’m only human. Hell I’m only like him 1 week out of the month when I am pmsing and even then I’m no where near as bad.

    So, why am I in the guest room? I think I finally can’t take it anymore. All the patience in the world hasn’t done me one bit of good. I love him dearly but tonight I’m in the guest room waiting for morning so I can finally load my bags to leave like I’ve planned to do so many times before.

    The saddest part is he has officially talked himself into believing that I’m the reason I’m always getting upset with him. He doesn’t even remember half the things he says or does to me when he’s in his ‘moods’.

    Sorry to ramble but I’m at a major decision point and I’m stuck on to leave or stay. His bipolar is the adolescent type. So, he swings all day long…all day long.

  87. denise July 8, 2008 at 6:49 am #

    Hello Tattered,
    Reading your post… I am just as torn as you -both about your situation and my own!! I try to put myself in your shoes and think what would I do, what do I do??
    With a logical mind we both know you should leave. When u think with your heart you want to stay and have hope.
    From the outside perspective my answer to you is… you are so strong to see thru all of this and to have gotten to this point, and to have put up with all the abuse up until now.
    I think you should leave, and if he comes crying back then you give him the ultimatum while he is on his “high” and in love wit you: “either you get on the meds and see a pdoc, or we cannot be together.” If he does not think he needs one, then you tell him, “well maybe you don’t, but why don’t we both go get tested and just see what they think. It’s the only way to make us work, as one of us is the problem, maybe you, maybe me??” I think putting it out there -the bipolar/meds thing, but not pushing it is the best way to approach it and get them into believing it could be something they need to deal with. With my guy I mentioned it in emails, but never brought it up, then he brought it up out of the blue. Trust me… this is the last guy to admit to smethin like this, he is toooo proud, and often has an inflated ego, or wat I see as a mask of insecurity and fear.
    I think u should leave, because if YOU leave… u will not feel as bad as if HE left, and you will always have that. Leave on a high, go out with a bang… at least 4 ur self esteem. I did this, and it made it so much easier to move on, rather than the time he disapeared without a word and did not answer my calls and I was left feeling like a fool and totally devastated. It seems in my experience (altho not long – only since feb) and since readin posts… they always return, so if u think u have made the wrong decision later on, u know he might return.
    All of that being said… once I put myself in your shoes… I tell you all of this, but it is EASIER said than done when u truly love someone and believe that you are meant for each other.
    If you do not leave and give him a fright… nothing will change. Missing someone u love is so painful, but taking the plunge might be the best decision u ever make. There is always someone else out there that is just as good or better for you… however I do hate it wen ppl tell me this bc altho I kno it is tru at this moment I don’t want to believe it.
    Just remember, nothing will change until he is on meds… same for my guy. When he returns I will only be with him if he goes on meds… or at least I hope I go thru with this and am not weak around him, and manipulated by his charm and the love he has for me in the good mood stage. Please let me kno wat u do and tell me the outcome. It may be painful and a long process to get to the place you want to be at… but it could be worth it. Who knows, u might actually get over him in that time or find someone else… that’s what happened to me, I got used to not having him around… and just as I did he returned… and that’s wen u put the ultimatum down. My guy has left me three times now, next time is the big ultimatum… but must be done when they are on their “high” -not just agreeing to doing it, but actually going to the apointment and buying the meds. Actions speak louder than words, and my experiece with my bipolar guy is that he talks a lot of shit and never backs it up with action. Times are a changing… i hope. Best of luck, and pls feel free to write as often as u like 🙂

  88. Scared B July 11, 2008 at 12:20 pm #

    Iam a new mom. New life with my guy of almost 6 years. we have completly changed. I now i flip out on him when it comes to money, or him not paying attention to me, or ;eaving me out… im scared to trust him. im scared to be ME. Im pushing him away and tearing our family apart. but i dont knwo what to do. i dont know how to LET GO of the past and move forward with out looking back. i love him so much and the person i have become… i know is pushing him away and he is distant wont open up…. he says i need to give it my all…. but when i try or even give a little more than i usually do my wall goes up and i back off. I check his phone… his calls. I text him all day just so i know he isnt doing something wrong. thats not normal. My moods switch so quickly…. am i bipolar? do i have generalized anxiety disorder? i panic at times… am i not secure with him or is it myself? Since our daughter i havent been happy. With myself… My daughter is my world and makes me happy. but with out her i feel disgusted with myself…. is this normal after pregnancy? Its hard I can talk to complete strangers but not ppl in my life. I dont want them to look at me different. or think of me as a crazy. Sometimes when we fight i push him to say he doesnt wana be with me… cuz thats how i feel….. i just wana be right. i push and push. i know how to upset him… please help me. i love him i wana be with him… i dont know whats wrong.

    • Blessing January 6, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

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      • Mike January 6, 2014 at 5:38 pm #

        It is a shame that this site has been taken over by BOGUS spell casters (aka witchcraft)

  89. denise July 12, 2008 at 12:35 am #

    Hello Scared, reading your post makes me think that this is probably how my bf thinks and feels most of the time. He always falls so so deeply in love with me, then pushes me away and says hurtful things almost instantly. He cannot get close. I feel he wants to but has no control over it. He even needs to know “for sure” that I love him b4 he disappears and cuts me out… when I say these things he almost seems to be slightly relieved… yet he is the one that pushes me away, cuts me out, disappears for weeks on end!! I am in no way a doctor or specialist on any of this, but I have reason hundreds of posts to help me understand all of this and get me thru the depression and hard times when he leaves each time or gets angry for absolutely no reason.
    Please don’t feel as though you are “crazy” -you have a lot to deal with having a new baby. You might be suffering from post partnum depression- this is what it sounds like to me. Did u feel like this and act this way before the baby? before the pregnancy? If not, I am almost certain you would have post natal depression. The signs of depression (behaviour) can be very similar to bipolar. If you have post natal depression you should go and see your GP to get some treatment. You will probably only need treatment for a couple of months while ur hormones rebalance… you have been thru a LOT, you just had a baby!! I know it must be hard, but please try not to give yourself such a hard time. People always go thru hard times when a baby is newly born as there is not much sleep to be had. If you do have bipolar or post natal u must go see a doctor, as treatment is the only way you will feel better and have better control of your moods. A lot of the things u r describing sound very similar to the way my BP bf treats me and behaves, but like I said ur hormones might still be getting over the pregnancy. I wish you lots of strength to get thru this time in your life. Pls go and see someone if you can… u do not need to even tell anyone about it. If you choose to tell ppl though, pls don’t feel as though thye will think you are “crazy”. Bipolar ppl can be a pain in the butt with their mood swings lol, (ie- my bf) but they are by no means “crazy”. Please feel free to write as often as u like.

  90. denise July 17, 2008 at 9:42 am #

    ok… i will try my best 2 b brief. He waltzed back into my life. I thought I would never see him again. He never called, replied to my emails etc… Then he turned up at my house unannounced!! I had not seen him in 3-4 weeks… he always disappears for 3-6 weeks. He acted like nothing. He again told me that he wanted to marry me and have kids with him. I am moving to LA soon, and he said he wanted me to be with him when I am there. Everything was perfect that night. We went out with my friends, had the best time. In the morning he continued telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids with me one day. He also insisted on taking me out to lunch. He borrowed over 100 bucks the night before… only paid me back $20 in the morning. He had sworn it would be different this time and he would pay me back all the money he borrowed last time as well. He didn’t. I did not hear from him for 3-4 weeks last time. This time he is overseas for a while, maybe for good… who knows if i will eva see him again. I cut and paste all these posts by bipolar ppl for him to read… i kno he reads everything i send even tho he does not write back. He will for sure have to see himself in these posts. Anyways… I was ok having no contact. I had called his phone and his roommate had picked up and told me that my guy had been sick all week in bed, sleeping all day and night. This means that after we left each other the last time… he went into a depression. Then his roommate said that he had left his phone at the house, and gone missing for 2-3 days. His phone was going off. There was no sign of him?? His roommate was a little worried. So… this made me believe that he truly was not in contact with me, bc he could not be in the state he was in. But then I was about to leave my friend a msg on fcebk and found that he had left a msg saying he was leaving to LA that day!! Surely enough, his phone is not switched off!! I am OFFICIALLY ANGRY!!!!! SO hurt and angry!!! I was patient and understood if he could not speak or talk to anyone… BUT he took the time to leave my friend a msg and after my 5 very supportive and nice emails…. not ONE word!!!! WHY??? Why so I have to be treated so badly. It’s almost worse than being yelled at… its just complete indifference!! Maybe he really just does not give a shit about me?? Why does he keep coming back?? Why does he tell me he loves me and wants to marry me and have kids with me one day??? And he doesn’t just say it wen he is drunk or trying to get me into bed… he says it when he is sober, and once we have already slept together. I AM SO HURT. I FEEL SO USED. I feel like a fool. I keep believing him everytime he walzes into my life, and each time he does the same thing to me!! He is so convincing tho… i just dont understand why someone would want to purposely go out of their way to hurt someone that has always been good to them?? After the restaurant, I caught the bus to work… this was the last time I saw him… he told me he was leaving to LA the next day, was just waiting for his visa -but he had his passport on him?? Don’t kno if he lied about that?? He said he had a 2nd passport?? … he ended up being in town another week… didn’t even call or email me!! And wen I left him all was perfect!! He were hugging and kissing… and it was beautiful… then nothing!! The only thing I can notice is that he went very quiet. He either gets angry or goes really quiet before disappearing. DOes he mean the things he says about wanting to be with me or not?? DO I move on?? I don;t know if I will ever forget him…

  91. cleveland July 19, 2008 at 12:54 am #

    its been a bit but i have been going through some other things other than the boyfriend. how are things with your d? mine is still in a rutt. i will say though that i talked to his mom tonight and she helped me alot. i guess come to find out his father and him are exactly alike. she talked to me about how she deals with her husband and how hard it was for a while. that over time she had to teach herself that when he gets that way it has nothing to do with her its just how he is. it really helped me out to talk to her. write me back and let me know how things are with yours since i last takled to you.

    trust me its a very helpful site. there are people all over the world that are going through what you are. you now have a place to come to when no one understands. my boyfriend is BP as well. i will say he has never thrown stuff but he can be hurtful in emotional ways. just be careful. im not saying that i think he would hurt you on purpose but accidents do happen and its hard explaining to family and friends that it was an accident. i really wish you good luck. if you are feeling down and clueless hop on this site cause there is always someone who is willing to listen or give advice-including me 🙂

  92. survivor July 23, 2008 at 5:51 am #

    Hello everyone,

    I came across this website a couple of months ago and was so happy to find it.. I have been married 20 years and life has had its ups and down. I would say now in hindsight the last five years have been very challenging. the classic line of “walking on eggshells” really applied to me. I have always been a people pleaser and even in my marriage anything to please and anything to keep the peace…. well my husband got diagnosed with bigpolar early this year. This really didn’t come as a total surprise but when the docter tells you that is what it is… it is like “thank you , I have always known something wasn’t right” I am posting this now to see if it registered and then Iwill continue.

  93. survivor July 23, 2008 at 6:08 am #

    it worked… I am back… I guess this website in hindsight has been a great life saver to me.. I realized it has never been about me, it has never been about me not doing enough, not understanding, not following the rules. I was pleased to know something wasn’t right. I was tired of going over “what am I not doing right” funnily enough my friends have been telling me for awhile that I haven’t been doing anything wrong, my husband would get his “bee in a bonnett’ over certain things and continue on and on about them.. My world crashed in early march with his diagnos. we have been on a rollar coaster.. the worst part of it the medication… he would be in tears for hours and than would get agro and verbally abusive towards me over the same certain issues that he was stuck on…. this went on for a few weeks.. he was on medication and it just wasn’t kicking in or working… in the end he has two stays in hospital.. after his first stay things were alot worse when he came home… he couldn’t cope being back into the real world and those closest to him (his immediate family) copped all the short falls…. this was really a hard time.. for the first time in my life, I began getting the shakes and my nerves were frayed always wondering what was around the corner, when it would start up again, I hated being at home and subjected to this and at the same time hated to be away in case self harm happened… I truly believe that it is “trying time” when they are working out their meds and hosp is the best place to be at when this is happening.. I finally got him back into hosp.. he didn’t want to go… and my husband came home last friday after another four weeks… I was more than surprised on his return a calm, rational, alert, reactive person came home to me… before he had lost interest in his exercise, getting up and showered, no correspondence at all, total withdrawal from life and from the famly unit. I suppose the message I am trying to get out there is “get the meds right” and you can get onto a normal life again. I know it is early days yet but I have rekindled the hope of getting on track again.. as far as I am concerned I have learned that you do need to look after your self (eat well, sleep well, socialize) to keep going.. I hope this brings some hope to any readers… if you have any questions let me know I will be happy to anwer them the best way I can… but I guess i am saying hang in there… it that is where you want to be..

  94. denise July 23, 2008 at 9:48 am #

    Hello Survivor, and thanks so much 4 sharing! I think it gives a lot of ppl hope hearing that it can work. My guy still has to learn/accept that he has bipolar, be officially diagnosed as well, before I can even think about meds. He is slowly opening up to it I think. Just a question… did ur husband used to go missing for long periods of time at any point?? Things are always perfect with us, he talks of marriage, kids and that I am the best thing in the world etc etc… then he disappears for weeks on end and does not reply to any texts or emails… Then he returns as if nothing, and then it happens all over again!! Each time is so hard and each time I wonder if it is the last time! It’s so draining, but I love him so much. I am lost with how to handle this next time he returns… if he does?? Cheers, and thanks again for sharing. I hope to be a “Survivor” as well someday 🙂

  95. survivor July 23, 2008 at 6:05 pm #

    Hi Denise,

    SOrry for the late response, I live in the land of oz so we will have that time difference. I did go to bed last night thinking about your bf going away like he does… I was going to reply that didn’t happen here but I thought abit more about it this morning. P did have a few weekends away last year… no real reason enjoys watching handgliding as well he went away for two weeks to another city. when I think about it now, they were little escapes away for him. For a while he has wanted to move town and at certain stages go away in a caravan around oz or drive trucks. It now makes sense to me that he was looking for an “escape” away, get out away from what he probably saw was getting him down. I kept reminding him you take yourself with you and going anywhere else won’t change that. I do believe to a certain degree that when your bf leaves he must be heading into some “stage” of the illness, they don’t want to be around the ones they love the most. just reread above and yes I have sent txt, letters, emails, and yes often I would get no responses either . I think those become extra “stresses” for them, but they manage to keep them up (the msg and txt with other people, holding there facade up).. I can understand the frustration, pain, anger, etc… when I questioned mine about it later on it just came out that everything was such an effort and I was on the short list.. three years ago I told my husb “things are not right you need help” he bottomed out for two weeks in despression and I was even concerned about his safety… in hindsight now he can say that he was depressed but to reach this stage has taken three years to seek help.. P got diagnosed in Nov last year but did not inform me until march when he decided he couldn’t do it on his own and tried the medication. and the first time round on meds he pulled himself of it… along with this illness can be different disorders like anxiety, compulsive obsessive.. have a quick read on these and see if they tie into anything… P’s mind would be racing around all day and night.. trouble sleeping, trouble relaxing, etc…. the end result became a mood stabilizer, an anti depressant, and an anti – pychotic (to slow down the mind process)… I came across a good book “living with the black dog how to cope when your partner is depresses” by Caroline Carr only 130 pages and a brilliant read… I found it time to proctect myself in a “bubble” get on living and not continue with the total drainage ( and they will take it out of you). Not sure how you go with groups of friends but they really can “hold their there shit together” around other people and change as soon as they have left .. having a quick cuppa.. be back soon.

  96. survivor July 23, 2008 at 6:23 pm #

    back again…self preservantion will help you through this… but I would be setting some boundaries though.. I guess being married with kids has kept me here… would I have stayed that long without kids??? not sure and can’t answer that one.. hope this helps abit..

    • DakiddwithaBPGF January 20, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

      Many of these posts are very old and dated but I know there are always people looking into this forums because of how many people are dealing with these same issues on a daily basis. I myself met the woman of my dreams about 4 months ago. Never in my life have I felt something like I did with her. I am 28 and she is 26 with a daughter who doesnt know her real father. She was also in the middle of a divorce but none of that mattered. The connection we had was something out of a book and I had no problems seeing that she was it for me. She did tell me that she took medications for depression but never told me the severity and the actual diagnosis being bi polar or the relationship nuke. 2 months straight was the most amazing, loving, sweet, sexual girl to me and even for that short of time she was opening up to me which was very rare for her being the reserved person she was used to being.We rarely argues, have so much in common and feels as if life was just catered to us in every way. Her daughter even became very close to me. Sometime around the end of the 3rd month she started getting different. Started to be less of the person i knew so i started to want to be there for her more, almost pushing for her to tell me what was wrong and eventually after i kind of got really upset that she was keeping me to far out of her life she told me that was in really bad space. By the end of that night I had felt the first taste of the feeling that she just didnt want to be with me. Yet when I said to her that she was trying to leave me her responcse was still that she loved and needed me. By the end of the next week everything had changed. She was distant, never came over that entire week and became very unmotivated to do anything. I really didnt know what to do and it was driving me crazy. For someone to go from wanting to marry you and make children with you to the exact opposite in a week, if not prepared and aware of the demon behind all this your gonna crumble. Which I did. Since then it has only gotten worse and the few moments we have had just havent been enough. She has never been the verbally abusive type until this week but coming up to now has just been hard. She took herself so far out of my life but still made sure to keep me there. No matter what making very sure to me that i knew she didnt know what she wanted but she loved me with all her heart. Killed me to try and understand that. I did however start reading about her disorder because when we first started to crumble i had to figure out how. Although she didnt see me and became a ghost in my life she did take alot of my advice to change some of the daily routines that prove to be very high risk for anyone who is bi plar. I tried to keep my composure during all this. She rarely saw me, was in a very bad low and just seemed so off. After the major part of this had passed she started to come around a bit more but I had already felt the worst hurt I ever experienced but she didnt understand it. Started to make excuses as to why wshe couldnt be my girlfriend right now like how she was ashamed of what she did to me, that she wasnt good enough for me but still acted as if she was my girl. I had a friend that was helping me through all these nights that i had started to talk to about 2 weeks after i left her and she started to have feelings for me. This past week my actual lover had come back around. She came over one night and just seemed finally to be back to normal for the most part but still didnt want to be called a girlfriend and wanted to move slow which was fine with me but still seemed out of chatracter for her. We hung out a few times that week but the spark wasnt there because she still wasnt there and it was like she was meeting me for the first time or something. THat she had forgotten all she had said and done to me. Prior to this week I had spent about 2 weeks of really cutting her out and telling her that I would not be answering her or talking to her until she decided to actually see me and face me. She had sent a text one day saying she just couldnt deal and wanted me to let her come over. Just how she acted that I would say no was so strange to me as if she was the victim somehow. So we spent this week together and I decided that it was not gonna be the same and she would need to figure out what she wanted and that I was gonna give my friend a chance at a relationship with me. This is finally when that angry, violent and horrible person came to the surface. The things she said I couldnt imagine her every saying and suddenly every single thing that ever happened was my fault. How i would never find someone like her and that I made my decision and would suffer the consequences. Until then I didnt do anything that would even seem remotly wrong and this shouldnt even be considered since for one we werent literally together and all I had done was talk to this other female. I dont deserve to be dragged along and would have never had this happen if her disorder didnt get the best of me. I did infacf break it off with the other girl but I got a chance to see how the anger gets control of someone with bi polar and makes them completely irrational to the point where what they say is so far from truth or real that its almost easy to not take personal. Its the isolating, the distance from me that hurt. Telling me I was the one but not wanting to be with me. The hurtful words are just immaturity and her way of thinking she is in control of something she is afraid of. I love this girl with all of my soul and i know she will come back to me loving, caring and sorry. I am also lucky becuase she is very active in her treatment but also very irrational with many things so her stubbornness doesnt leave much room for her to listen to what I have to offer.She is upset with me that I would talk to someone else yet she spent nearly 6 weeks draggin me along while she did all the same things. I ended up in therapy myself and on medications to control my depression and anxiety. What I have learned about bi polar and especially being with someone who has it, is that if you truly love this person, then you just have to be strong enough to make sacrifices. Strong enough to understand the complexity behind it and know the person you love is there and can stay there for very long periods of time given the right skills and work towards prevention. Most bi polar people believe they can tackle it alone and push everyone away. If there is one thing that needs to change its that. Everyone needs support outside of there spouse but they need there spouse to be there more then anyone. If they dont accept that your best bet is to let them be for a while and I mean a while. I know she is gonna return to me and we will start from there. But also know that. I will not accept all the blame, will not be the only who tries or who is rational about real life problems, basicly i wont be the only one in the relationship and when real life problems occur learn to take them on together with healthy boundaries. Anyone who is in love with someone that has this disorder knows just how amazing they can be and will always be capable of being. Thats what has kept you there this long right. Dont give up on them but learn how to use the time you will spend alone to do productive things. Never sit and stew over what it has done to you. Get active and advocate for this. You can survive and have a loving and healthy relationship with this person no matter what the struggles. No some are sicker then others and may not be capable. Everyone needs to have a line that once crossed is time to let go. I have not reached that point yet being so early in but I know there is one and no matter how hard it is sometimes you do have to be selfish.

  97. denise July 23, 2008 at 8:31 pm #

    Thanks so much for taking the time to write Survivor. I am also in Oz 🙂 My guy is over in the US a lot, back and forth. When he goes away, he completely forgets about me, but wen he comes back he completely acts like nothing happened. I have known him since high school, now we are both working in the same industry. As I had mentioned, weneva he returns he is full force in love with me, talking marriage and kids, and acts like nothing is weird that he dropped off the face of the earth. I usually don’t mention it bc I am just happy he is back and don’t wana push him away.

    Last time he went missing he told me he was leaving to the US the next day or 2 later, he was just waiting on his visa. I called him and it rang out, so I knew he still had to be in the country. I text many times -very nice, friendly and supportive texts, and telling him to look into the bipolar thing, and telling him I understood if he needed his space and that I understood that he may be depressed, and to take his time and jut contact me wen he was ready…. but then I got pissed off wen I noticed about 2 weeks later he had not written back to all my nice emails, yet wrote a fcebk msg to a mutual friend of ours saying he was laving to LA. We have both been know to leave msgs on this friends wall… almost just for the other to read, haha… so was in part maybe to let me know??

    The last time we saw each other he had brought it up out of the blue at lunch, “what is that illness you think I have?” I had sent him some links. I told him very briefly and casually about bipolar and he considered it and said “yeah, maybe I do?”. Then I changed the subject because I didn’t want to push it. I was happy with just the initial consideration… especially coming from a typically Aussie guy, haha. I actually think he read all the stuff I sent… it was all stuff about anger bc he was constantly getting abusive and blaming me for things I did not do. Getting angry, REALLY angry, for nothing! So, the last time I saw him he gave me a bit of a speech about how he is no talking to his mother again and does not get angry at her. And how he realises that women need to vent and it is nothing against him. He told me that now instead of getting angry, he thinks about his behaviour, and just sits and zones out while th person talks. Last time was the first time he did not get angry at me once!

    I’ve started really realising a pattern… he always returns around the same time each month (does not stay long) and then disappears around the same time also. Before he disappears he always either gets REALLY angry and yells the shit out of me or goes incredibly quiet and introverted.

    Anyways, one night recently I was drinking with my flatmate for her goodbye party and she called his phone for fun, as u do when u are drinking, haha… this was 2-3 weeks ago… and his flatmate of all ppl picked up!!! She put on a fake accent (which was quite a crackup! haha) and it turns out that after the last time I saw him he must’ve gone home (he is living on his flatmates couch bc he is moving to the US soon) and he was apparently sick in bed for an entire week sleeping ALL day and night. His flatmate was actually quite worried because he had not seen him for 3 days… he just went missing and left his phone and everything at the house?? Now for him to not have his phone, is HUGE! He cannot live without it! He probably left it behind bc he could not handle my texts?? Now, he was NOT sick when I saw him last (not even a bit!) and as soon as he left me and went home he was!!?? That just proved to me that he was depressed in bed for a week after all the mania of being SO IN LOVE with me, and then had to pretend to his flatmate that he was sick. Then wen he could not handle it anymore, or keep up the lie about being sick, he must have left to someone elses place probably?? or maybe even got a hotel?? He is in US now, his phone is switched off.

    Anyways… just thought I would share since I have a bit of time 2day 🙂 I might check out that book it sounds helpful. The thing is that, my guy nver shows anything but his mania/happy side to me, then goes missing just before or as the depression hits.

    I think u r right about wen he disappears he goes into some stage of the illness…. the depression from wat I am guessing and does not want to be around me, can’t stand me at that point, but also can’t stand me seeing him like that I guess. I think you said it perfectly about the emails etc…
    “I think those become extra “stresses” for them, but they manage to keep them up (the msg and txt with other people, holding there facade up).. I can understand the frustration, pain, anger, etc… when I questioned mine about it later on it just came out that everything was such an effort and I was on the short list…” Sometimes I feel like this myself when I have gotten into a deep depression wen he has left without a word, when everything was great and I had no explanation. I was so drained and tired and could not be bothered dealing with anyone who called me or came by, was too much effort to I blocked out the world for a couple of weeks. I felt as though everything was useless and too much effort, I even lost pleasure in my hobbies and work, everything, almost thought dying was a better option… this is so unlike me!! I was so depressed about him leaving… its hard to imagine that this was only the 2nd major depression I have had in my life, and that ppl with bipolar have to go through that all the time!! Must be very difficult for you with your husband, but I think u have the right mentalty… its so true, u have to look after yourself, bc if u do not, no one else will…. especially not the person with bipolar. Thanks for reading, sorry its so long. Have a nice day.

  98. denise July 23, 2008 at 8:41 pm #

    ps- sorry about all the typos, lol

  99. Tattered July 28, 2008 at 4:57 am #

    Hey all. Sorry for the long absence. Wasn’t sure what I’d do. I did not leave. I am still with him. And he is still very much bipolar. Ironic thing is he thinks one of his friends is bipolar. He explained the highs and lows to me. And I was like “You just described yourself” He got mad. Told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I let it go but inside its eating me up. He’s making me physically ill.
    I tried the “No, meds, no me” solution but by then he’d already took back saying anything was wrong with him at all. Even though I had him admit it to me during one of his talking rampages.

    Before I forget, I wanted to thank you all for the welcome. I feel like I’m trapped in a small room with a madman. Its nice to let out some of my fears on here.

    Denise: I don’t know how you do it. I know in my heart if mine left I would move on. Or in this case if I left I would not look back. I have to travel for work. It is so peaceful. I get around my bf and my whole body functions off key. My only breaks from him is when he is at work. I dread the weekends. Its like you always have to be one step ahead of how he’s going to react so you don’t get him going. It sucks when he’s happy and and sucks when he’s not. Rarily do I get to catch him in the middle.

    I would find me a nice guy if I were you. And when he comes back…well be unavailable. Why should he get help if he still has comforts waiting for him in old familiar places? And for all the things you’ve done for him, he shows little respect for you. It made my heart sink to read that he couldn’t answer not one of your emails yet left a message on facebook for some else???? Seems like he only has time for you when his mood can handle it. Try to date again….anything to keep your mind off hoping he’ll return to stay. His pattern is set in stone until he breaks. You’ve done enough.

    As for me, I continue to pray for the right thing to do. It will take a act of God for my bf to get better. And an ever greater one to keep me with him in the end.

    I am going away for work (insert HUGE smile here) in a week. I’ll be gone for about 2 months. He will be able to come visit me but doubt he will. I will use this time to meditate and give my body/mind time to heal from the constant tension of being around him.

    He’s not a monster. A monster just borrows his body from time to time and he’s too weak to say no. Funny thing is, tonight he said he thinks I’m the one who is bipolar…and he’s right. I have to work hard to keep my emotions in check. Have to let my temper inwardly simmer down less I scream at the top of my lungs “You are frickin out of your mind. Take a pill any pill. Just give me a break already”.

    How long does it take for some one to recognize they are bipolar? Why can’t it be the same as smelling your own bad breathe and popping a mint. I mean what’s the fear that if you admit you are bipolar that people are going to think you’re crazy???????? All I know is the people who love you the most are the very ones who suffer the most. Coworkers, every day people you pass by get your good side. Yet, when you come home to us, the monster gets to come out and play.

    Okay, I’m just rambling now. I’m tired and really don’t want to go to bed. Don’t want to be near him. Its like he wins. I know he’s sick. I know he’ll explode again. And I’ll sit there while he tries to make it seem like I’m the one with the problem. Its like watching some tell you that you broke some thing even though you just saw them break it with your own two eyes…..

  100. cleveland August 21, 2008 at 4:38 pm #

    denise you were right-it has been back and forth since we have gotten back together-evry other day he is telling me we would be happier apart but he wasnt breaking up with me-today is our one year anniversary and i got a text from him that said me would be happier apart so i asked him if we were breaking up? and he replied with the same text” i think we would be happier apart” so i text him back and said that i was gonna take that as a yes and he didnt responf except with a do you have anything else to say? so i let him have it and told him how good of a person i am and that i hate waking up everyday wondering if he was still gonna be in my life or not-some of the things i said sounded mean but they were just straight forward-then he snds me a text back thanking me for being a bitch and that he wsnt breaking up with me he just wanted to talk about our problems like i have asked him to in the past and tells me that now after seeing the way i acted it is over. what the fuck? pardon my language but i am so confused?! what else was i suppposed to think? he didnt tell me other wise? and now because i lost my cool once (we have never had a fight) he wants to end it? doesnt he even think about my feelings and how much it hurt to hear him say that and not dipute it-especially on our anniversary. i have always been understanding and caring even when some of the things he has said were very hurtful-im so upset right now-very pissed off-it just seems like he needed an excuse to end it and now he has one-he hurt me i struck back instead of taking like always and he didnt like it so he dumped my ass-i asked him if this is really what he wanted/ if we were really over again he didnt respond-i can’t haddle the mind games-please give me your advice-anyones cause i am lost….

  101. denise August 22, 2008 at 10:41 am #

    Thanks for your support Tattered. Yes, it is hard wen I see him leave messages for everyone else, yet not me. Especially after all my loving and supportive emails. Yes it is tru some of them were regarding “bipolar” and how he should seek help. But always as a suggestions or “maybe” and always with respect. Last tym I saw him we were perfect, holding each other tenderly and kissing, in the sun, happy… then I got on a bus and have not heard from him ever again…. only thru messages he leaves my friends on facebook. I am so deeply hurt. Why would he always have to come back and intentionally hurt me, thats wat it feels like right now. He tells me I am the one and he wants to marry me and have kids with me…. then nothing!! Not a word?? Could he be a sociopath and not bipolar?? I am confused. Why would someone want to purposely hurt someone that gives them nothing but love and understanding? It is a sick game. I want to move on, I am trying my hardest and keeping busy with friends and my career, but I think about him all day everyday. I have not seen him for almost 2 months now. He is overseas. Wenever he goes overseas he never contacts me, its like he forgets about me, I do not exist. It hurts that I think about him all day everyday, I don’t know how to stop, and stop feeling so used and hurt. I think about him all the time, and he is probably with someone else telling them the same things and has not thought about me once. Sorry about the self pity guys…. i just need to vent this pain. Thanks for reading.

    cleveland – wat good timing. I have not been on the page for ages, and you just left a message …. so I am glad to be here for you 🙂 I really feel for you right now. I think we both need to realise that this is going to happen again and again and again. As I have said before I am pretty sure your D loves you, mine…. well that is not so sure?? Your guy always seems to come back, and always seems to reply to messages. Mine has been MIA since last tym we left each others side, after a beautiful perfect day together???? ahhhhh. Unlike mine, Duane always replies to your messages, mine wont even give me ONE word!!!! Okay, maybe this time he didn’t…. he might be having a really bad down tho and needs his space. Let it go for a week (i know how hard it is) and then contact again with a simple message about how you are sorry and you misunderstood. That you love him and want to be with him. Give him some time, and yourself…. and then if you still want to be with him (which I am sure u will) spell it out for him Y-E-S I want to be with you and yes I love you. We need to speak to our guys like kids sometimes I think. Just plain and simple english that cannot be misconstrued. I am sure D will be back…. i know how painful it is tho. Every tym they leave… we think that is it!! At least your guy does not leave for as long as mine…. I kno that is not much of a consolation however. I read somewhere that sometimes they purposely find ways to test our love and push us away to see if we really love them and will still be there no matter what. Sometimes they want to break up with us just in case we were going to break up with them!! –even wen there is no signs of a breakup in sight!! Hence- they purposely start fights, blame us for things that clearly don’t exist etc etc…. my D has done this over and over again. I am glad you still voiced your opinions howver… u needed to do that for YOU if anything….VENTING is healthy… even if he didn’t like it. It does sound like he was trying to make you be the one to fuck up (excuse language) so he could have a reason out…. but this is just bc he is in a downward spiral at mo. Its so obvious wat he was trying to do… how frustrating!!! I am not one for advice as I am just as lost…. but I think wait a week or two, and you will see that he will return. I guess we just have to get used to the fact that they set the rules, they come and go as they please if not on meds. I’m pretty sure he will return tho… he always does. Keep busy, focus on u and your goals and dreams in the meantime. I know it is hard, always here if u need to vent… x
    ps- still no word from D, he writes to our mutual friends, and has not even had the decency to write to me. I know I need to move on, but no matter wat I do I just cant! I think about him 24/7 and I feel so hurt and used. I wish i knew if he meant anything of wat he says, or if he just use me?? it makes me cry, just the thought of how stupid I have been to fall for his words….

  102. denise September 4, 2008 at 10:25 am #

    hey cleveland, hows it all going? hope things are working out for the 2 of you 🙂 I have still not heard one word from my guy. While he is away it is outta sight, outta mind as far as i am concerned. I think this time that’s really it! I don’t think I am goin to hear from him again… it makes me really sad. He is off in LA partying with friends, and even talked to a good mutual friend of ours over msn… yet has not replied to any of my msgs. Maybe he was just using me for sex and to steal my rent money?? Who knows?? I just wish I would stop thinking about him. I wish I had never met him. The good times were not worth the pain. I feel so used. How can someone be so cruel as to lie about such things as marriage and kids and moving in together… just fo sex?? Wat an awful thing to do. Anyways, I guess its over now, I just have to face it and live with the pain. I am always such a trusting person, I think this has changed me. I don’t believe in love anymore. People seem to only mean it wen they are in the moment… then use the excuse that things change or ppl grow apart… well… that’s just not good enough. I guess we are all meant to be alone. I really do wish that there was a thing such as eternal love, but I have yet to see it, especially in our generation. No one ever stays together long nowadays and ppl always lie and cheat. What a world we live in! Sorry to blab on… just having a hard day. Finally coming to terms with the fact that I was lied to and he never meant a word of what he said. What a fool to believe in love! Thank god for friends and family, careers and hobbies. Hope alls well, chat soon 🙂

  103. harry smith September 10, 2008 at 4:54 pm #

    hi im a husband and my gf s got Bipolar .

    v hav been together for now almost 7months and v wer plannin to get married but suddenly, she has to change her job due to relocation and she finding it really hard to find a new job, and on top of that i got sum unexpected finanacial crisis …. she got really stresed
    and asked me she needs more time to think bout marriage again,
    and now she is askin me to hav temperory casual relationship coz she is gettin too stressed out of this relationship.
    before i used to c her everyday now she juz wanna c me once a week, and she says i giv her too stress so she rather hangs out with her mates
    she is been on the medication on and off, coz its hard to force BP patient to take his/her medication
    i think i m loosing her i love her so much she is my life
    i dont knw wot to do and how to deal with her
    h smith x

  104. Joe September 15, 2008 at 10:38 am #

    Just back off and she will come to you.

  105. denise September 16, 2008 at 9:50 am #

    I did everything right with my guy… took all the advice I read… I backed off the second time and I even sent an apology (even tho it was not my fault) by email… and he ended up returning… for 2 days. This time he has disappeared for a little over 2 months. I wrote to him about how he needed to get some help, that he “could” have bipolar. I told him I would back off, but I would always be there for him when he was ready. I had him understand that I understand how he feels when he needs his space and when he is high and low, etc etc…. I gave him his space, and he did not return. I have tried everything!! He now went overseas. Outta sight, outta mind I am to him. He is the love of my life and I never think I will ever see him again. We have mutual friends from high school and the industry we both work in, so I might hear gossip every now and then. But I am coming to terms with the fact that he has gone for good and does not care about me. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate, we talked about marriage and kids very seriously – him being the one who brought it up all the time… everything was perfect when he disappeared, we did not have a fight or anything. I still cannot completely come to terms with the facts. How can someone love so strong and passionately, think the world of you, make plans to be with you long term…. and then just suddenly for no reason stop caring about you altogether?? If I died tomorrow I doubt he would even bother coming to my funeral.. and we have known each other since we were 14!! How can love just turn into nothingness?? I just makes me so sad. I miss him so much and can do nothing about it. Last time I wrote I was angry and told him it was so mean of him to ignore all my emails, calls and texts… yet still email and call our mutual friend who is a girl (one of my best friends) he once had something with many years ago in high school. He knows I will hear about it and takes great joy in hurting me!! I ended that email with… “that’s it!” -So, being as proud as he is I will never hear from him again. I think he enjoys hurting ppl and does it often. I see girls that he adds to his facebook page, and a couple of weeks later they are deleted… the way I was. Why was I another victim. I really thought I would be different than the others to him… after all we have known each other since high school and have all these amazing connections in our past. He made such a bog deal out of it all… it was obviously all a big act. I feel so foolish. I never put my heart on the line, and the first time I did I get zapped. I think he is also a compulsive liar. Do a lot of bipolar people compulsively lie? MY friend knows someone who is bipolar and a compulsive liar, like my guy, he lies about the most obvious things that he is OBVIOUSLY going to get caught for!!!?? I think it must be out of their control?? I also think my guy is a sociopath?? He seems to reel women in (like myself) fill them with promises of a future together and eternal love, and then leaves them for no apparent reason and never talks to them again. How many other hearts has he shattered before and after mine I wonder?? Even though he is not good for me… I still can’t help it that I miss him and love him. I wonder if I should write to him and ask him how he is?? …well I know I shouldn’t… I need to be strong.

  106. Confused September 17, 2008 at 12:39 pm #

    -I often wonder and ask myself, why do we put ourselves through it? The pain is enormous and the benefits, if any, are short lived. Again, why do we put up with it. For the posters who’s BP spouses disappears for days, weeks and months, have you guys ever considered maybe your spouse is seeing someone else. I was with my BP spouse on and off for 3 years. When we first met, she was upfront about her diagnosis, and informed me that she suffered from major depression. 2 years down the line, she confessed that the doctors were saying she’s Bipolar, although i suspect she may have been diagnosed with this many years before her and i met but choose to tell me 2 years into the relationship. The relationship was a rocky ride, even though she would see her therapist 3-4x per week, sometimes more. The treatment regiment included medication on a trial basis for at most, 2 months. But it was discontinued due to side effects. Although my now ex BP spouse was in therapy practically her whole life, she suddenly stopped going about 4 months ago stating she did not need it anymore. In the past 4 months, i have forked over thousands of dollars to help her stay afloat with the bills, and make other, unnecessary purchases (including a $600 cell phone, she had just purchased a new one a few months earlier). In hindsight, she probably started to spend reckless, as, she for the most part, always had money to pay the bills. Yesterday, I found out, by the luck of god i guess, that she’s been sleeping with my bestfriend. Of the 8x she called after the bestfriend confided in me and the 5 messages she left (i never picked up my phone), no apology was offered up. In fact, the first few voice messages made it seem as though, I was not being an adult for avoiding her calls and I was misinformed by the friend. Again my question, what are the benefits? What is the point? Why put up with it? I put up with all this for 3 years. The last few months, i have been in therapy and on medication because of the anxiety/depression I feel due to dealing with her mood swings. Prior to this woman, i was by all accounts a very happy and satisfied person. After yesterday, I said, no more. I am done, it’s time for me to be selfish. It will not be easy, let me point that out but i have to salvage whatever self respect i have left. Oh and I should put in a side note, I think she’s planning on packing up with her kid to move to Chicago with my former friend. And I think they’ve talked about marriage. What have I done to deserve this? I gave 3 years of my life. This year was by far the worst. First year was great, second year, things started to falter and this year, after trying to leave her on two separate occasions, she threatened suicide. Enough is Enough!

  107. elizabeth September 23, 2008 at 9:52 pm #

    I am so glad i saw this website…wow “confused” we seem to be having the same luck with our partners. I have been dealing with mine for five years and have finally filed for divorce. With mine i’ve dealt with him stealing from me, lying, not working, sex websites, other girls, yelling, put downs, shutting off, ect… i could go on forever. I recently had to realize i wil loose my sanity if i remain with this guy. It so sad because I really loved this guy but come to find out he is not who i met at first….It’s nice to read through so many of these stories because until now i thought i was going crazy. It helps to know i am not alone….

  108. denise September 24, 2008 at 10:17 am #

    Thanks for your comment Elizabeth. Your description fits my guy/ex guy perfectly. Stealing, lying, not working, gambling, drinking, drugs, cheating, other girls, yelling, put downs, shutting off, disappearing, never supportive, never there when I need a shoulder, and the list goes on. Altho we have known each other since high school, we only went out for about… well who knows… 2 weeks initially, before the first disappearing act. Then a couple of months, more off than on however. I was EXTREMELY heartbroken, I still am. He literally just used me for sex and I am just coming to terms with it!! MARRY ME he says… have kids with me he says… then he disappears, ignores all contact, yet slaps me in the face by writing to our mutual friend so I can see. I think he finds pleasure in knowing I hurt. I have been sooo heartbroken words cannot describe it. Then this week I have been thinking exactly what you thought…. “I love him so much, but he is not the person I met”. I would never have fallen in love with the person he is now that’s for sure! We always hold on to those good times, but the truth is… after a while there are more bad times than good times to remember, more pain than pleasure. And although his and my story is very romantic and fairytale-like… it is just a story. I need to keep telling myself these things. What you said really struck a chord and made me realize that I MUST stay away, not wait around, not pursue. Even if he is better one day… there will always be moments when he is not ok, and is abusive. One person said it perfectly…. “run for the hills”. I must not be stubborn with myself, I should take advice form ppl who have been there, married etc. It is very hard falling out of love, it is like getting off a drug… but with time I know that the feeling and feenin for him will disappear. Its just hard until then. Thanks again… ur words were so well put.

  109. elizabeth September 27, 2008 at 11:15 pm #

    Hey Denise

    Listen, I understand all of what you are saying about how hard it is to fall out of love. Especially, when you can remember the good times you had with that person and you know what your right…mine was also so beautiful at the beginning. I think what makes it hard for me is that the whole way through my intuition told me something was wrong when he started doing odd things and there were inconsistencies. Sad thing i became lost with how chaotic he was that i just didn’t pay attention to myself. I have had to start seeing a counselor because at times i felt like the pain in my heart from knowing i have to stay away from him would kill me. The best thing i think you can do is take care of yourself because we get left with scars we did not come in to the relationship with. All we can do is take it day by day and i’m sure with time the wounds will heal.

  110. syinly October 5, 2008 at 9:54 pm #

    Wow, you have told my story. I have married the same man twice and I have pushed him away and gotten divorced.

  111. Dawn October 6, 2008 at 9:57 pm #

    I have been with my husband for 11 years. We were both really young when we started going together. I loved him so much, that I wanted to fix him. He was so attached to me then, and now, that he says I’m the only one he can talk to and let in. When he was 18 yrs old, he threatend to commit suicide, and told me I was the only one who saved him from it. From then on, I’ve felt resoponsible to take care of him. We had our fist daughter when I was 18. Every year has been a struggle. Usually he is more normal than not, but when he starts to feel depressed, or insecure, I can feel it almost before he can. He can’t let go of things that have happened in the past, and always blames me for it. I love him so much, that I’ve taken this abuse it seems like forever. He sometimes gets physical when I try to get something out of him. He’ll push me away physically, and emotionally. He tells me I’m to blame, and tells me to leave. When I do, he tells me he can’t be without me. I feel bad, and return. I can’t see myself without him. If I leave to do something for myself, I come home and the lights are out. He doesn’t ask me how I’ve been, or what I’ve been doing. He ignores me. Sometimes I don’t do anything for myself, because there’s no point. Just recently I knew he was going to have a episode. I could feel it days before it happened. I tried to talk to him, and tried to get him to let me in, but he wouldn’t. He told me he needed to find himself, and that he didn’t want me. He was growing away from me. I told him I didn’t want to leave, because I knew after a couple of days of fighting, and staying up all night talking about his feelings, and how because I’ve hurt him in the past, and it’s all my fault for him not being able to trust anyone, that it would be ok. Because he would get over it, I would forgive him, and we’ld move on. Instead he insisted, and told me I was a lazy b—ch, and didn’t do anything for my family. I took our girls, and left. That night he came to find me. When we got back home he told me he was going to take revenge on me. He was going to take my kids. After hours of fighting with, he told me that he was having feelings for another woman, and didn’t know how to deal with them. I was sympathetic to his “male” feelings, and told him it was normal to be attracted to someone else, but not to act on it. I let my feelings get in the way, and told him I didn’t like it. I told him he needed to delete her from his facebook. He did, and then cried and told me it was my fault, and that he was going to be embarrased. After two days of not sleeping, and finally told him I believed nothing happened with this girl. I gave him a kiss, and told him I loved him, and in an instance he felt better. Now he is happy. After about 4 days of this, he was happy in a second. I still feel like it’s all my fault. All I want to do is protect him. I’m very lucky, because he’s normal most of the time. I know he’s bipolar, but he doesn’t think he has a problem, and he’ll probably never be diagnosed. Help Me, I don’t want to lose him to this!!

  112. Confused October 6, 2008 at 11:05 pm #

    Oh my God, have you guys read the stuff you are saying? All i gather from the posts are hurt and pain. Lives filled with misery. It is seeping through the pages, Again, I ask, why do we stay? I walked down this dark path for a year, as when you’re with them, you do walk the path and it’s been hell. We have been separated for 3 weeks, only 3 weeks. We have spoken 2x in a month period and ya know what, while I’m mourning the ‘loss’ of the relationship, I feel a sense of life being pumped back into me. This pain will pass, this I know but am so grateful that i got a “get out of jail free” card. She cheated and left, I had a reason to walk away and not look back. I had a reason to leave without guilt or remorse. I am no longer on antidepressants and my anxiety has subsided immensely. Why? Because I no longer have to second guess what day or hour I’m going to have. For example, will I be greeted with the “I love yous” and smiles or will today be “i hate you” and the blame and the uncertainty. I no longer deal with that. I have done an inventory of my life, reflected on this past relationship and had a million questions to ask myself. In particular, why would I allow myself to be treated in such a way? How low did i set the bar for myself, do i not deserve happiness? Dawn, you speak of him being “normal” most of the times but yet go on to mention but nonchalantly dismiss the fact that this person you “don’t want to lose” and “love” called you a “lazy b–ch”. He expressed feelings for another woman and “blamed” you for him deleting her from his myspace page. Are you kidding me??? You said you feel as though you’ve taken this “abuse” and it seems like “forever”. Your words not mine Dawn. What are you losing if you decided to give this up? “abuse” “blame” him getting “physical” and you being “ignored”. Dawn, it seems like I’m coming off heavy and maybe I am. I have to some extent walked in your shoes. My rollercoaster ride was 2 and a half years not 11 but I know about the blaming and the feeling of being ignored and the abuse. I feel as though my spirit has been broken and I’ve been robbed of my very soul. I am picking up the pieces but I’m truly asking, why do we stay?

  113. Dawn October 7, 2008 at 11:34 am #

    Thank you for that. Sometimes the real truth hurts, but opens the mind. I’m glad to be able to write how I feel with so many others that feel the same way who have had the same experiences, and who deal with them in so many different ways. I’ve been with him so long that I know the cycle so well. I’ve always known there was a problem, but I never quite knew what it was exactly. I believe because I know when it’s going to be worse than normal that I can help him through it and be understanding. I won’t be able to do this for him and be supportive if he cheats on me. Only then will my feelings be truely #1, and even though it may be a part of the desease, I won’t be able to excuse it. Sad ehh. I know he hasn’t done anything like cheating on me, but it’s scarry just the same. I don’t know if he would be in his right mind not to if this other woman had felt the same for him. Tell me…if this is because of the desease, then how could it be excusable. I’m so confused between the truth of all of it, and the chemical imbalance. I’m learning to not take things personally, because I know everything will be fine by the next couple of weeks. Everything will be back to NORMAL, or his mind I might say. Because he hasn’t been diagnosed, and hasn’t actually seen a doctor I’m not sure what to think. All I know is that there is deff. a cycle within our relationship that doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s always him. He is the one always contemplating his life, and in the process, he ends up hurting the one he loves most. The only one that he has let in to his locked gated wall. If he does hurt me by cheating on me, he will most deff. regret it. It still really hurts, and is hard to not take it personally. No one would do that to someone they love if there wasn’t something wrong. In 1 week he’ll be over it, and he’ll tell me he loves me more than anything. I feel so pathetic sometimes like I’m the one with the problem not him. We all have to be strong, and not believe the lies because in fact it’s not really what they are feeling, it’s what their minds are telling them to feel. Deep down inside, beyond the mind and in the soul I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he can’t help it. I’m not sure how long my mind and body will be able to take this, but I won’t give up on him..not yet. He sure found a good one in me, because obviously I can handle a lot of bull s–t. I’m lucky to be the only person who can support him through it, but he’s even luckier to have me by his side, and I won’t abandon him, not after this long.
    I appreciate your opinions. Thank you!

  114. Dawn October 8, 2008 at 11:16 am #

    So last night my husband comes home late from work, and goes to bed a 7pm. I ask him whats wrong and he says nothing. I express to him that I love him, and I know he’s going to be fine soon, but that I need to get him help. I tell him that even though all of the hurtfull things he’s said to me hurt more than anything, I know not to take them personal, because by next week he’ll be over it. He tells me , I’m completley normal, and I have to deal with this. He says I love you extremely much, but every once and a while I feel like the grass is greener on the other side, and I can’t help but wonder. That’s why I put us through this. Well…..after 2 weeks of finghting, and him kicking me and our two girls out, and then calling me back, and saying he can’t live without me, my body and mind are tired. I said to him,,if your perfectly normal up there and you don’t need my help or anyone else’s, then maybe you should stop breaking my heart, because I’m dying a little each time you do this, then maybe you should go and find that greener pasture. He said ok. I went to sleep. I woke up an hour later to him crying. He had just gotten a phone call on his cell phone from someone he didn’t know, but they knew him. He was crying and being paranoid because he thought seriously that I was trying to set him up. I couldn’t believe the dillusions. I said to him, I don’t know who just called you, I said I’m not sure what kind of a life style you lead anymore, I said I don’t know you. He cried and left. One hour later I wake up and he’s holding me tight, and kissing me and crying. I let him do this partly because I want him to hold me and be ok, and partly because I don’t want to hurt him in this fragile state. When he woke up in the morning he left without saying goodbye. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed yet, but he shows all of the signs. He is probably does not have a severe case, because he doesn’t steal, he doesn’t drink or do drugs, and he is not sexually permiscuss. He just has bad cycles or episodes a couple of times a year where he contemplates his life, and wishes for better. Then he gets emotionall, and it blows right up where he tells me he doesn’t love me, and then a week or two later it’s fine. The confusing part for me is telling wether or not he is truly feeling like the grass is greener, or is it all in his head. Confused. Confused, confused. I told him if he leaves me, then I can’t help him. Since the premises of him leaving is to find someone better in his then me, (which is almost impossible) I don’t know if I would be able to trust he never slept around on me, even though I know he’ll come around. Should I let him go? And begin my life again, or should I support him knowing that it’s just his bipolar. I feel so guilty and alone.

  115. Confused October 8, 2008 at 11:48 pm #

    Hi Dawn, it’s me again posting, confused. My heart really goes out to you, it does. As i know, while i had tremendous love for my partner a big part of me knew, i stayed out of guilt. I too said, I can not abandon her. She needs me right now, if i love her, I would stay. Thinking along those lines. At some point after things started to get really bad with us, I started keeping a journal. Recently, i read all my journal entries (a years worth) and was astonished by my words and the theme. Objectively reading my words, i was clearly unhappy, yet I stayed. Oddly enough, the entries had a recurring theme. Much didn’t change in a year, i was complaining about the same thing, over and over and over. Even now that i am no longer in the situation, I didn’t leave of my own conviction (not really anyway) I left because i saw a ‘justifiable’ reason to say, no more. I guess we can always rationalize staying but at what cost? Is it worth it in the end? For many it may be but I have researched this illness to death, have a ton of literature in my house on the very topic and realize, even if i did decide to stay, it wouldn’t be easy. It would be a constant struggle. I am not here to make decisions for anyone, that is a personal choice what a spouse decides to do but I continue to question why we stay. Perhaps my questioning has some to do with me having an undergrad. degree in psychology and a genuine interest in human behavior but I ask, what is it about the spouses that stay? Do we all have similar personality traits? I got off topic a bit but again Dawn, reading your post bleeds my heart. Have you reread your post? and objectively? I don’t know you but do wish you the best.

  116. Mely October 29, 2008 at 11:27 pm #

    Hello everyone. Just wanted to get signed on before I write my story. I just read all your posts and its late, I have to work tommarow. I have just recently been through the same thing with a bipolar boyfriend who literally went from being crazy about me, putting his home up for sale (he lives 8hrs away) and bought me a ring….to someone who changed in 2 days (went into depressive state). He became very distant, reserved with me, stopped showing affection and started getting “pissy” and agitated when we talked. This is the man who had become my best friend and was always so sweet and everyweek sending me presents and cards, plus we would be on the phone for hours at a time and saw each other every 2 weeks…untill the depressive state hit him. He was in his mania evidentally for the first 4 months we knew each other.

    I knew he was bipolar as he had told me two months into our relationship. Said he took seroquel for it and he was fine. All was well and he was planning his life to be with me. He even told his best friend I was the one and he was in love with me. But unfortunately that all changed overnite.

    I am very glad to find y’all (Im from the South! lol) And will post my story soon. I am no longer with him as I had to walk away, but I would like to understand more about why the change happened. I have not talked to him in a month, but as someone said earlier, “the loss of the relationship/friendship” is what I miss, not the illness. I do not wish bipolar on anyone. Nobody deserves this…not those that have it nor us that try to be there to help them.

    Take care and goodnight…Mely

  117. denise November 1, 2008 at 10:41 pm #

    I’ve had 2 bipolar boyfriends… one after the other. Never planned this of course, was a complete fluke so-to-speak, haha. I did not want to judge or predict, I had hope, I wanted to give them a chance (us a chance) and not run for the hills based on my past experiences. Anyways, the first one had no clue there was anything wrong with him, the second knew but self medicated with pot bc meds apparently make him into a dribbling zombie. Needless to say… I suffered 2 times in a row, and I don’t know if my heart can ever love or trust again after such betrayals. Both of them said they loved me, I was their world, their soulmate, talked of a future, marriage kids, told all their friends and family and the world that I was the one, were proud to walk around with me, treated me like a queen, etc etc… Everything they said was so convincing, I really felt like they were so in love, and really speaking from the heart and the soul…. and maybe they were at the time. Both relationships lasted 1-2 months, full time, spending everyday, almost all day together. Then both disappeared with no warning, no word. Gone! Never contacted me back. Never answered any of my calls, emails, texts, even wen I poured my heart out and said that I was dying inside. Complete heartlessness. I am a broken woman. I will never love again. I will never be loved again. I will be alone, but that’s ok. Wish u all the best.

  118. Mely November 12, 2008 at 8:33 am #

    Yes you will be loved again Denise. So will I. I have gotten comfortable being alone, maybe too comfortable. So when things like this happen, it hits me harder because I have wondered and hoped for years that the next person I meet will be the last.
    This is the first time I have ever known anyone who is bipolar and I wish he would’ve explained to me up front that he had this (it was 2 1/2 months) before I was told. He explained how it all began for him. But in my naiveness I should’ve done research before the first depressive episode began, and asked him how he felt when he went into this depression. His manic side was great and charming, full of energy, ideas, and plans for the future. His depressive side was ice cold, distancing me, and basically making me feel I was no longer important…All within 2 days of telling me he had bought a ring for me and was planning on telling me the L word in person. He remained that way for 4 weeks and that hurt me the most even though I didn’t think I was in love with him yet, but close. Don’t know if he’s come out of that depressive side as I have no way to know.
    I am comfortable being alone (don’t like it) but that is why I walked away. I still hurt (not bad) and miss him, but I haven’t called or texted him, nor he me. I do wonder though and could ask his best friend but in a way I don’t want to know right now either.
    But you take care, try to stay strong. We will be fine, and just have to be cautious with our hearts in the future.
    I wish everyone well! Especially the folks with bipolar on this site. Thank you for any input you can give us into your world.

  119. Skye November 20, 2008 at 6:36 pm #

    I suspected my boyfriend of 6 months was possibly bipolar…I knew something wasn’t normal. I have come to my breaking point to figure out his irrational actions and emotions…they just don’t make sense. I feel like i’m going insane and i have become so depressed myself, which is very abnormal for me. I keep thinking he is two different people….one that loves me like I’ve never been loved before and another one that repeatedly stabs a knife into my heart with his words and discare for my feelings…i have been so confused. He is so up and down. I never know what to expect. I have never in my life felt pain in my heart like I have felt with him. I’ve cryed more tears in the last 6 months than in my whole life. But I’ve also experienced the most love i’ve ever felt in my life along with extrordinarily extra good times together..our compatibility is amazing! I keep telling myself thaat the good is worth the pain, but i feel like i’m slowly getting the life sucked out of me. I would just leave this chaos, but I have developed a deep love and care for this person and the thought of leaving him hurts me worse than he does. So that has led me to research and find out what the hell is going on! I looked up basic bipolar symptoms that fit him perfectly, I still wasn’t completely convinced until I came across this website and when i read even the first reply I cryed my eyes out. I could completely relate down to every detail. I’m so glad to know that I’m not going insane and that there could be help for my boyfriend who i love so much. Here is my main question for someone….how should I approach him to get help? I think he might freak out! He is 32 years old. He has mentioned that he thinks somethings wrong with him before, but i am worried about approaching him on the subject. This is all new to me…any suggestions??

  120. Rebecca January 6, 2009 at 7:03 pm #

    I have to say that this blog has opened my eyes up. I have been in love with a bi polar man for 3 and 1/2 years. NOW on top of that he is a married man with two kids. We have had a rollercoaster ride like no other. I have read books after books after books on this and after reading all of this, I guess I was just getting on the merry go round. I ask myself day in and day out what happened with us. You see, he moved away this past summer. It hurt me so bad you can’t imagine. But it really doesn’t seem to effect him although I am not there to see it day in and day out like before. I know he goes in and out of states and I worry about that. He hates his job and where he lives. He blames himself for leaving and rightfully so. I know this whole thing is wrong. I know that I should thank my lucky stars and run as fast as I can. But I just can’t. I don’t know why and it is eating me alive. When he was here it was difficult enough trying to be together. He told me from the get go that he would not divorce. I think I now know why from this blog!! He is afraid. He doesn’t want to be alone and doesn’t know what I will do but knows she will stay with him. At least she has so far although I have to wonder if when the kids are gone she washes her hands of it all. I know he loves me. I am not some silly woman who was used and dumped. I just wish I could do one of two things. Get over him and move on or be with him. After all I see here, I think I am better off moving on as painful as it is. We are trying to be friends throughout all of this but it has been very hard on me. I am on depression meds and anxiety meds. All because of this. Why am I doing this to myself? Would I want him if I could have him? Would I worry he would do the same thing to me he has done to her? (of course he would) All of it I am very aware of. I know I need to run. I know I need to move on. I just can’t take the step and let go. Why Why Why!!!!! Please, if anyone has been here help me. I am at my wits end and it is effecting everything in my life. Trust me, I have tried therapy and what do they say….run!! That doesn’t help. Please, anyone?

  121. Sleepless in Dallas January 7, 2009 at 7:09 pm #

    I’m new to this website and very relieved to have found it.

    I’m 28 years old and dealing with a man about 10 years older who I’m afraid has bipolar. I’m no expert, although I do have a degree in Psychology, and some things are just plain obvious. I never married this man, but we had a child together about 2 years ago. Why??? You would think I would pay more attention to the signs and know when to run, right? Well, it got so bad living with him when I was pregnant that I had anxiety attacks and it wasn’t good for the baby. The toilets were “filthy” even though I’d cleaned them 2 days before, there was a very specific way to do dishes (growing up in my house, you were just happy someone did them, you didn’t dare supervise!) and the list goes on and on… I did and still do love this man — different now than before. He grew up with his dad who was an abusive alcoholic and his mother left before he was 10 because she was scared of his dad. Turns out, she is schizophrenic. So, two strikes against him there. He plays games with me still… doing horrible things like ordering me to get out of the car when all day we’ve planned on going to a party… he says horrible things, like “my ex-wife wasn’t stupid enough to get pregnant” (our baby was a surprise). And I’m like, “no shit! she was smart enough to get out quick!” So, he’ll come back to me, very sincere, and when its good – we are best friends. Then, when things get rough and I start to question the relationship, he will dump me flat on my face and my head will be spinning. I know they say its pointless to argue with a bipolar person, but somethings are just so hurtful, I turn into a witch and say horrible things back to him. Its so hard not to take it personally! Anyway, around the time he and his brother started eating out of trashcans when dad when be on a binge, he turned himself in to a school counselor and they placed him in foster care. He was very fortunate to find a Psychologist who was fostering, and that is the primary reason his career has been a success. The last time he came back, I said it was on the condition that he see a psychiatrist (heck, I am, I need pills to deal with him!). So, he has an appointment in late January and we’ll see if he follows through. I just pray the doctor is skilled enough to read him, because he can easily “switch” around others and be just fine. This week, he’s been cycling and its been bad. I’m pretty sure he’s flirting with a younger girl… which is heartbreaking, but I’m sure she makes him feel good because she isn’t aware of the “dark side”. I just don’t know what to do. He’s an extremely hard worker (sleeps about 5 hours a night on average) and a dedicated father (although very hard on our son and thinks he is manipulative… as a two year old!). How much better can it get with medicine?

  122. Going in Circles January 23, 2009 at 10:24 am #

    First of all I want to say that I have read alot of these posts, and while my sympathy goes out to y’all, its also nice to know that I am not alone.
    My situation is a little different because I went into this relationship with eyes wide shut so to speak…I knew that there were some issues but I also closed my eyes to them…it’s also different because bi-polar dissorder is not new to me…I grew up with bi-polar parents so I have dealth with manic depressives my whole life…and the man I spent the last 7 years with has never been diagnosed…but I see the definate signs…periods where he is super hyper, talks a mile a minute, jumps from one subject to the next, is irrational, irritable, paranoid, possessive and obssessive(especially about me)and jealous. This is always followed by 2 or 3 days of deep depression, and a few days of “normalcy”…which never last more than a couple of weeks before the cycle starts again…he is also an alcoholic and it is the alcohol that seems to trigger the mania…it’s like living with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde…when he is in normalcy he is sweet, charming, a little shy, funny, and interesting…he’s a great guy at those times…the rest of the time he drives me nuts…a couple of times in our relationship he has “cut and run” but came back…a few weeks ago he met a woman at a party…a few days ago he broke up with me…we still live together…but are broke up…he talks to her on the phone daily…he has decided that he needs change, he has to change something, and I seem to be the easiest and most convenient thing to change…drop me and get a new woman that will make it all better…told me he isn’t in love with me anymore(and hasn’t been for a year which I know is a lie)…he broke up with me because his new girl called the house and I told her “I’m his girlfriend can I help you?”…he told her a bunch of lies to cover that…either she believed him or doesn’t care although she did stop calling here he still calls her every day…and yes the pain I am going thru right now is immeasureable…whats worse is that in a single night he goes from sitting on his knees at my feet telling me how sorry he is that he hurt me to grabbing the phone and saying “I’m calling her again I don’t care if it hurts you or not.” and from “Don’t hate me” to “I don’t care if you hate me.”….in the course of minutes…from hugging me to acting as if my hand is on fire if I touch his shoulder…I know dysfunctional with a capitol D…I don’t know what to do at this point because, although I dealt with bi-polar as a child(like I said he hasn’t been diagnosed but…somethin ain’t right)…all my friends are of the kick him to the curb attitude…which would be easy if he were just a jerk…but he isn’t…this is different…it’s overwhelming at times…and while I actually know that I’ll be ok(I have had some experience at picking up broken hearted pieces)I also know that I can’t just abandon ship and leave this kind of a mess behind because it would eat away at me…I am…kind….he is on the edge of wanting to seek treatment, to find out what’s wrong because he realizes that something is…but I think he is also afraid to seek it…I think the trigger to this was me losing my job a couple of months ago…though I get unemployment and am looking for another job…he doesn’t handle stress well…or responsibility…and things began a downward spiral from there…right now I am confused, hurt, lost, and unsure of what to do…on top of all this I know that he has abandonment issues, and while no I don’t think that I am the center of his world I do know that I am fairly important to him…he keeps telling me I am his best friend and he doesn’t want to lose my friendship…when I rationally point out that probably isn’t going to work out well…especially with a new relationship she isn’t going to want him hanging out with his “ex” he gets angry and says well screw her then we have to be friends…I don’t know if he is in some new cycle that will pass or if he really wants me gone…I just don’t know what to do…the ups and downs man will wreck your mind…I wonder if this is typical behavior or a person with bipolar dissorder or if I am letting my childhood with my parents cloud the situation…if I am seeing corrolaries that aren’t there…or if he actually does have issues…I just know that some of the behavior of late makes so little sense…like giving the new girl his home number and telling her to call…like the sudden decision that he doesn’t love me anymore…and the back and forth of wanting me in his life but not in his life but in it in a new capacity…and did I mention that this man, just a few weeks ago, was down on his knees begging me to give him another chance and never to leave him? To go from one extreme to the other so drastically ain’t easy to deal with either…unfortunately I have never been in a “normal” relationship…I was married to an alcoholic before this relationship and obviously there were problems there…so while I have a gage for what seems odd behavior I haven’t one for normal…but reading the posts here I see some similarities…and think maybe, just maybe, I am on the right track.

  123. jimbaroo January 28, 2009 at 8:54 am #

    I went out with a girl who had manic depression. For a month i only ever noticed a few cycles. I thought she was a fantastic, amazing, bright and creative person who was confident and could get along with anyone. We had great times together… She went for a holiday to the other side of the country to visit old friends and decided to move their and told me one week into her holiday.

  124. Becs January 30, 2009 at 4:01 pm #

    I jsut found this forum, and am only now starting to come to terms with what I’m up against. Help! Dh has never been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure – workaholic, depressed moods, agressive, blaming, angry, easy to flip, usually yells the insults at himself rather than me, as if that’s what I’m thinking, but the temper is all my fault. It’s the things I say or do, it;s all my fault We have a 15 month old and were thinking of another baby, but I’m exhausted. His mother left him at this age so I know it’s tough right now. I;ve been making excuses the 5.5 years we’ve been together. Things have been pretty rough but now they’re getting better, and his behaviour hasn’t changed at all. All my energy is seeping away, and so is my love. He can tell that, that’s partly why he’s pushing so hard just now. He says that he knows I’m going to leave him as everyone does. How do you get them to accept that they need help? Is there anything I can slip into his food, herbally, vitamins, anything to have a rational conversation. We live in his country, and all my support is half way round the world. What if my daughter is the same, what if he behaves like this to her, blames her for anything? I’ve realised that my mother is the same, and I was so busy trying not to be like her, that I ended up with someone like her – what’s wrong with me? I’m not sure that I’m not affected myself, but have just got over PND, without meds. I don’t really know where to turn. We’ve worked so hard to build a life together and a business, but now perhaps I need to walk away from it?

  125. Rodney February 6, 2009 at 2:29 am #

    I would like to thank everyone for giving me insight on (Bipolar illness).
    I was in a 3 yr relationship with my ex girlfriend was respected, well mannerd ,after the first 1 yr we purchased a home and things was going smoothly but through out the relationship i notice a sense of jealousy and insecurity on her part. arguments would erupt out of the blue, we resolve our problems but within a week the arguments continues. things really got out of hand when she start ed using foul language,anger,lying,and putting me down.i was devastated hurt and confuse after i endure 2 weeks of that she would cry for hours saying she hates her self , she not happy, and not comfortable in her own skin. and one day i came home she had packed up and move in with her sister .i called countless times trying to find a reason of this behavior…after a month of not seeng her or talking , textin her mutual friends told me that she has lost weight , behaving irractionalking acessivly

  126. Rodney February 6, 2009 at 2:49 am #

    I think my ex girlfriend is bipolar after doing a online research and reading these post ( SHE EXIBITS THE CHARACTERISTIC OF THE THIS DISORDER TOO A TEE) but she ‘s undiagnose :after 3 yrs of living with her she broke it off 2times for no apparent reason and came back crying saying she dont know what she been thinking some of the ex:moodswings,putting me down,drinking excessively,talking excessivly

  127. anita cremin February 15, 2009 at 7:54 am #


  128. marie February 15, 2009 at 7:55 am #

    hi there again

  129. marie February 15, 2009 at 8:44 am #

    hi everyone…. I have been following this website for awhile now. I have been married 21 years to date…. and still journeying on.. my life unravelled probably four years ago.. the signs??? i guess have always been there.. i have been in a daze for a year now since thebipolar thing came up… I will give you mixed reviews who are looking at this .. i think the medication has a place in this all but the realisation of the illness is something else. My husband has been in five hospitals the last year… some of the best ( in the land of oz) not sure where it all went wrong…is it the lack of grasp he has on the reality of it all? or is the disease so cruel??? as I journey with this.. I am starting to believe that they say what they want to say to the perticular person that they are talking to at that time…. they become so self focused as to where they are at the time….. where are you in this equation???? I am working out that even though you are back bone of the relationship or the “strong” one it really isn’t enough and that doesn’t count.it becomes time to start looking after yourself… as I am starting to do. they unfortunately become totally consumed in who they are and where they are going. Is there a successful end to this??? I am starting to doubt this… I have been the strength. the religous connection in this relationship.I believe in God and all the goodness He brings us… maybe it is time to move on.. maybe there is another reason for my journey…. this illness is cruel………… you need to be strong, focused and accepting……. but sometimes you need more than that… love, affection, compassion…….and the sad part of this story is that i had all of that… I had it all…….. or so I thought before the illness came along ….. looking forward to your repsonse … life is a journey… my latest quote is ” Life can only be understood lookng back… but has to be lived looking forward” God bless you all as you travel forth…. please stay in touch…ms

  130. Mikal February 22, 2009 at 9:18 pm #

    I am dizzy with all the back and forth in my relationship. We have been together for almost 5 years. She has two sons from a prior relationship and life has been nothing but a roller coaster where I fear that I am bipolar with all that happens.

    We have managed to make it through a life threatening operation (hers), a custody battle, her ex husband not paying child support and sometimes I cannot handle it and I explode and have yelled. Honestly I feel like running far away. I am the major breadwinner in the home, the kids are always fighting with her and we have no affection or intimacy any longer. She is always depressed, always saying she is not feeling well and always on – line. If I bring these things up she gets extremely agitated and most recently said she was to leave the relationship. Immediately after saying that she blames me and says I have not respected her throughout the 5 years.

    I am feeling I am bipolar with all the confusion and blame. Can anyone comment?

    • marie February 25, 2009 at 8:38 pm #

      Hi mikal

      I feel for you as well… and I understand the bit about second guessing ourselves like are we normal or are we developing something?? the depression is bad when it hits and they can get soooo low and gradually work their way up to an agitated state… that is the cycle I know. my concern would be for the kids as they are being exposed to this rollar coaster ride… is she taking her medication??? I do know they play the blame game and everything is pointed to you… because you are the closest person to them.. I would suggest that you start protecting your self and walk away when the abuse starts.. it really isnt acceptable and maybe this will help break that cycle for you… being honest and getting involved with her doctors is really important… maybe a time in hospital for her could be a proactive move… sorry I can’t help much more than that

  131. Another suffering man February 25, 2009 at 12:24 pm #

    I cant believe, I have found this blog.

    Im another partner of someone with bipolar and a server anxiety disorder.

    me and Kathy have been together for 15 years. the last 4 years have been terrible, with her turning more against me. Day by Day

    last week was terrible. one day i am woken from a deep sleep by her screaming in my ear with the latest delution shes having

    later that night i am have a migraine attack again shes screaming at me while im having it

    a few days ago a spent the whole day making our house nice and sping cleaning.

    she wake early afternoon and start screaming at for cleaning house gos on for hours

    I can take it no more, I have really everyday. we do have some good days but there rare now.

    for once i just wanted her to shut up and stop being nasty to me when I love her so much.

    I don’t know what came over me ~I grab her by the neck
    i realized what i was doing after a few secs and stop`ed and let go

    I just snapped couldn’t take the hatred no more
    This set her off again and off she gos to kitchen and get a huge knife and know again threatening to stab her self

    I get the knife away from her and hide it, next she bang her head on wall

    I put my hands between her head and wall to stop her hurting herself

    then she runs and is slamming the cupboard doors trying to rip them off

    I try to stop her im still trying to type with one hand
    my hand got slammed in door and the end of my middle finger is cut halfway off and finger is swollen to twice its normal size

    It was so painful

    I lost my temper and slap her round the face twice a

    I spend the next two hours bleeding not worrying about my self trying to calm her down.

    I hate my self for losing my temper as I love her so much
    she was with a partner before that beat her

    I know Im not like that but keep thing whats happening to me

    I not right i lost my temper and slapped her

    after wards for a few day they have been good days but now today she getting nasty again.

    like she dose nearly every day she sleeps to afternoon
    screams at me for two hours rambles to her self for hours

    then barricades herself in the bedroom getting stonned on weed

    runs sound at full blast wont let me watch anything ever on tv.

    she screams and shouts if I speek to friends or my family one phone

    and say I dont want her and wont talk to her.

    calms down ushaly by 3am only to start again next day

    but she wont speak to me or let me sit with her and locks me out of the bedroom

    The doctors are no help, she takes the pills but they dont work

    she sees them every two weeks and never tell the truth to them and says shes ok the believe her

    if the suss she aint and they want to change pills she screams and cry’s and they give in to her.

    If I tell the truth in fount of her to them
    there ok, Its me who has to deal with her for her for the next to weeks to the see her again.

    The refuse to let me come and see them without her there.

    so I can tel them how she really is

    every few times we go they change her doctor at the hospital and we start again with a new doctor and get no where
    as they dont even bother reading the file from what I can see.

    the tv is blazing full blast again as I type

    she getting wasted on weed and drinking gees lintus couth mixture thats she addicted too, its opium based

    I just love her so much. the sane part says I have to give up and leav

    but I just cant I love my wife so so much.

    A man at his wits end

  132. marie February 25, 2009 at 8:30 pm #

    hi alan,

    soiunds abit like a mess here… how long has been diagnosed with bipolar??? i know my husband has had a huge year trying to get the medication right and stints of being in and out of hospital… the abuse certainly sounds bad and I imagine you have been slowly getting conditioned to this over the years without really knowing what was happening to your wife…. all and all I have come to realize that the abuse is not acceptable.. no matter how much you love the person.. they have to start being accountable for their actions… does she acted ok in front of other friends and family members??? I have been totally honest with the doctors and he is not happy about that either, however to get it fixed or better medicated is really important… I imagine smoking pot certainly doesn’t help the situation… I saw someone the other day and she explained something to me that really made sense… we are at the moment acting two roles… one of partner and another of carer… I guess ideally we need to try and keep those emotions for both sides in check…. i have come to the conclusion that I will no longer get stuck on that broken tape or record playing… is it always the same things she throughs up at you???? it probably is time to walk away in those moments and explain to her I am happy to talk as your husband but you won’t be abusing me verbally anymore….maybe this will break that cycle… I think we get so conditioned to this treatment that we really need to step outside the box and look in… then we would work out that this in not normal… maybe she needs a manditory time in a hospital…to keep her safe and you safe…. every once and a while we need to reconnect with ourselves and make ourselves our priority… this has nothing to do with love… i have been married over twenty years… this is to do with an illness and keeping ourselves well and healthy in the mean time… hope this helps abit…none of us deserve this treatment

  133. tara March 3, 2009 at 6:41 pm #

    I am Bipolar and so is my fiance. I can honestly tell you, it is nothing but a rollercoaster ride through life! We have been together for a year and a half. We notice when each other is cycling. It is wonderful to know that the person you are spending your life with completely understands you. Yes when we are both at our peaks, it is like World War 3. But when one is having a rough time (manic or depressive), the other realizes what they are going through. We have so much compassion, love, and understanding for one another. We both accept how “crazy” each one of us can get. We both see the other person for who they really are, we can see past and through both of our bipolar mess. We have agreed to not have any children of our own. He has two from a previous marriage and I have one from a previous marriage. We know our conditions and limits well enough to know what we can handle in life. We have great relationships with our children and see them often. We are fully committed to eachother. Our life is never boring, you never know what new adventure is ahead. There are extreme highs and extreme lows, but to be with a person on this side of it all, accepting you for everything that you are, your outbursts, and your meltdowns; it is a blessing. We completely even eachother out. We have a world all of our own, like no one elses.

  134. Stuart March 11, 2009 at 11:29 pm #

    Wow. What a great bunch of posts and honesty.

    Not sure how many people are still reading these posts…

    I’ve been recently diagnosed with bipolar — but have had symptoms of it for at least 10 years now — diagnosed at first as depression but it seems the meds aggravated the hypomanic/manic states.

    I’ve also been married for 4 years and they’ve been great and painful all at once. It’s been really tough for my wife. I’ve been getting counselling, which has helped immensely — and it was the counselling that helped me see there was something deeper going on. I was doing everything right, thinking right, seeking support when needed, fighting off the negative thoughts — but then the tiniest thing would trigger me off — anger, depression — and other times I’d be feeling fine, creative, clear-headed — and then the tiniest thing would trigger me off — anger, depression…

    My wife’s pregnant with our first child — a simultaneously happy and scary prospect. It’s hard enough managing a marriage with bipolar let alone a family with kids. I’m freaked out by it.

    I suppose I want to resonate with others who have bipolar.

    But I also want to encourage those who are our partners, because even though we have some psycho-imbalance that we didn’t ask for and even though we can be unpredictable and painful and oftentimes it seems out of our control — we are still responsible for our actions. I am the one who chooses to move my mouth to speak and I am the one who chooses to sit down to work or not to work — my behaviour and my emotional ups and owns are not my wife’s responsibility. I so often want them to be — I want to blame her, I want to point the finger at her, I want to tell her that she just doesn’t understand my pain and should be more patient and caring (I don’t know that she can be — she is a gift to me and tries so hard — she’s amazing).

    Yes, I have a disorder, and yes, I’d benefit from showing myself more grace — but I am also responsible for my actions and my wife is worth far more than how I sometimes naturally want to treat her. I chose this marriage and I’m responsible to choose love over hate. Hard? Absolutely. Possible? I think so.

    Partners of us: You are worth more than being treated like scum. May the sun shine on your shadowy days and help you see your worth and beauty. I hope the cloudy waters become clearer (not just for you but also for me).

  135. Tynee March 17, 2009 at 9:35 am #

    Question for all of you – admittedly I haven’t read ALL the posts (but a large # & haven’t seen this addressed).

    My husband is going thru “something” – depression, bipolar, midlife crisis, or has been hiding a horrible person for 30 yrs. I’ve gone to depression, bipolar, & midlife crisis sites. I’ve gotten different opinions for each place (with differing opinions of those suffering from the same illnesses).

    He has several aspects (both depression & manic side) of bipolar. However, the way he’s behaving, I’m not totally sure…. I’ll try to be brief, but in doing so, I’m not sure you’ll truly understand the BEFORE & CURRENT him….

    BEFORE, he was quiet, to himself, loved his family, financially responsible, never liked crowds/loud noise (unless in a truly open atmosphere – like he can do restaurants, Disney, fairs, fireworks; but no bars, clubs, etc). Would never spend a dime he didn’t have, paid cr card bills in full every month, etc. Comes home every day after work, sees his immediate relatives (some daily due to his job). Stopped by grandmother’s on way to work each morning for water for work, stopped in at least 2-3x per week for lunch. Would never lie to me. If he thought he’d hurt me in any way, he’d be nearly in tears apologizing. Would tell me in cards just how he felt about me – I’ve never had anyone tell me in such heartfelt words. (Now I feel that I should have realized this was still a sign that although he opened up to me more than to anyone ever, he still couldn’t verbally open up to me entirely.)

    NOW: LIVING with a stripper – all of a sudden. From what I can tell, he met her 01/30 (while he was still down). He called her 2 days later (& she knew she had him). He lied about where he was for the next 1.5 wks, then left on 02/17 & moved in with her. Bought new clothes. Has taken his excercise bar, a pair of pants & a t-shirt from the house-NOTHING else. Still pays the bills, comes over to check mail, give me money, put fuel in my truck, mow the lawn. Avoiding all family members. Those he must see due to work, it’s in/out, very businessie – no hanging out. Doesn’t stop by g’ma’s in the mornings, might eat lunch 1 every couple of wks, but doesn’t hang out afterwards. Spending money we don’t have ($3000 just last month on bars, clubs, $250 meals, strip joint where this girl “works”. 1st he said he couldn’t be married, needed to be alone, & this would give me “closure” because he knew how this was destroying me & our son (legally my son, but he’s been dad since my son was 5 – he’s now 10). I know he’s called a divorce attny, but don’t know if I’m getting served. He says he still loves me (originally said love wasn’t enough). The elaborate lies he’s been telling since 01/30 are incredible. I would never expect such things to come from him.

    HISTORY: Towards the end of 2008, I saw depression come on…. Thought it was all financial. The family business that he oversees was loosing money. (It’s a farm, so it isn’t a huge deal, next year, may be better. However, it’s the 1st time since he took over after the uncle he worked with suddenly died 3 yrs ago.) We were living tighter – I home school. I think (now that we’ve talked a little), that my extra stuff (especially my son’s Cub Scouts) took too much of my time from him/family & the Scout clutter all over the place (long story, but no one has helped me in 3 yrs & I have to store everything at my house) didn’t help. HOWEVER, he never said a word.

    Since this has all happened, family skelatons have emerged. Some things I had heard, but never knew details.

    His mother suffered from depression/anxiety attacks. She was hospitalized when he was 12. His parents divorce 5 yrs earlier & the circumstances of him mothers depression/anxiety are things he’s never dealt with nor gotten over (he stuffed them very deep). His sister has mental health issues – mom’s family believes it’s bipolar. Sis had a “breakdown” when she was 13. Was put on meds, went to therapy. 3 or 4 yrs later, she went to dad’s side who believed that she was “addicted” to meds & took her off everything. Now, she’s 28, has her masters & part way to her PhD, yet lives in a bedroom at grandma’s (dad’s side) with her “girlfriend”, they come out after the grands have gone to bed, & go to bed when the grands get up. Neither works, they pay nothing towards room & board (grand’s fault), she quit college (but let the family continue to send her money for school, housing, & vehicle & just lived it up instead of going to school).

    Mom’s family understands mental health & knows help is needed. Dad’s family enables.

    Christmas of 2007, my husband had a panic attack as we were driving 1000 to visit my family for the holidays. Back then, I didn’t know what it was. Had I known & had I know his mom had a 2-yr struggle with them, I may have seen things differently.

    I don’t know where to go with all this. People think I’m crazy for not leaving him already, but like someone else posted, I LOVE this man. If he’s ill, how could I ever turn my back on him.

    I just don’t know if he’s ill. I don’t know if he could be ill, but still function (so far) at work, have the wherewithall to pay our bills (which may stop once he sees how much supporting 2 lives costs per month – he takes home roughly $4000/mo; it costs $3400 to run our house. He’s going to have to start removing money in savings to keep up. He’s already gotten some kind of ticket that he has to go to court for (if it were speeding, he’d take the class & it wouldn’t be on record). He says he still loves me & I believe him. I know he loves our son.

    I continue telling him I love him, I know he’s going thru “something”, that I and our son will be here waiting for him.

    I know this is long & I know I’m leaving stuff out… It’s so hard.

    If anyone can give me insight as to whether you think this “could be” bipolar, I’d appreciate it.

    Thank you.

  136. katrina March 17, 2009 at 5:54 pm #

    I have bi polar. i am so grateful for coming across this webiste. i can see in what you are writing i do or did to my girlfriend. it has opened my eyes alot.
    being bipolar is like dating your soul mate and also your worst enemy. i dont understand why i do half the things i do althou i do understand some.. i hate this disease. i can not take medication due to my past. i can not take medication cause basically i can not be trusted with it. being with a bipolar is like going out with some one that completly contradicts everthing i wanted her there but i didnt. trust when im depressed was very hard. i feel so. sorry and regretful for what i put her thru. she was and still is the love of my life. and i ruined it. im not looking for sympathy. nor do i expect it.

    • Josie March 18, 2009 at 10:56 pm #

      Dear Katrina,

      thank you for your honesty.

      Yours is the best explanation for what I have experienced. If you read this please reply to me. I had a wonderful relationship with the man I believed was my soul mate and the love of my life. Out of the blue, he brought a woman home to his place. When I reacted with understandable jealousy, he called the police to get me away from his house. Now whenever I call he threatens to get a restraining order. I know he would probably follow through, so I can’t contact him. What do I do? He had told me he loved me on that very day.
      I know he takes lithium, but he had been drinking. Could a bipolar person do this to the woman he is supposedly in love with?

      Please reply.


  137. katrina March 19, 2009 at 7:49 pm #

    hey josie.
    it sounds like he is manic. and apart of being manic is hypersexuality. i have never done it with my ex. i did however done it with my other ex. i slept with her told her i loved her when i did not then slept with a number of people in the same night (something i am not proud of) but he is cheating on you maybes cause of that. HOWEVER it is no no excuse for doing that. and yes he could do that to some one he loves. but when a bi – polar is having a “cycle” they love no one else more than them selves. it is a very very very selfish disorder.
    you need to think. would you deal with that if he did not have bi polar? would you stand by him?

  138. Going in Circles March 19, 2009 at 8:38 pm #

    It has been 2 months since my last post, a bit of an update…he moved out and right in with the new woman he met…he has been slowly coming to get his things…tells me now “I love you but it changed, it isn’t the same.”…sent me one email that was hateful and angry and then another apologizing and being nice…he has brief moments where I “see” the “real” him, then he turns right back into this cold, hard hearted person he has become…he freaks out if I touch him, as if I am a leper…tells me “I can’t allow you to touch me because it could lead to something else and I don’t want that.”…sends me somewhat mixed signals…I don’t know whether I’m coming or going…he signed his last email to me “Your friend”…and mind you we have been lovers for 7 years…this was literally a sudden departure…he met her a couple of weeks before…then tortured me with her for a week while he lived here…then tricked me into taking him to meet her…I of course confronted her, she didn’t care obviously, and he moved in with her…he literally went from our bed in the morning to hers in the afternoon…and I can not make any sense at all of it…because people don’t just do that, they don’t move from one life to another so quickly…found out he is missing time off of work…alot…since he moved in with her(she lost her job btw)…

    It’s like living in a Pink Floyd movie, where everything is surreal and makes no tangible sense…he tells me “Why can’t you just accept it and move on?”…but I have a really hard time just saying “Well, that’s ok” after 7 years…I can not wrap my mind around a person just falling out of love with one and into love with another so fast…although he has never said he loved her, and at one point said “I am gonna use her and break her heart”…

    Worst of all, there is this part of me that feels as if he is manipulating me somehow…as if this is all part of some very wierd mind game(which he was never above playing, he is a big control freak)…and I swear he knows exactly what buttons to push to keep me a little bit on a string while still torturing me….

    I wonder, have any of you in relationships with bipolar people felt, at times, as if it were a love/hat thing? Like they both adored you, and yet at times really enjoyed hurting you, and manipulating your emotions until you didn’t quite know which way to turn?

    Of course my friends still say kick him to the curb, but I learned a long time ago that you don’t just quit on someone because they have issues, even when they quit on you….I would really, REALLY appreciate some insite on the potential emotional manipulation thing though…because right now I am floundering in the wind and I don’t know if I am right, or just nuts…but I have had for awhile this sinking feeling in my stomach that something is very, very wrong here.

  139. Going in Circles March 19, 2009 at 8:40 pm #

    And one more question, do bipolar people, when in a manic phase, “use” their partners emotions to their own advantage? As in, say they know what hurts them emotionally, do they use that hurt as a way to manipulate them? And if so, is there a particularly good way to deal with that?

    • Josie March 19, 2009 at 9:48 pm #

      Reply to Going in Circles,

      Yes, I believe that bipolar people do use their partners’
      emotions to their own advantage. They know what hurts them emotionally and use those points as weapons.
      It hit me that my bipolar boyfriend knew the things my ex husband who was abusive, had done and said to me and he would throw it those things back at me.

      He knew my husband had pushed me and called me stupid, so he would say, “I’ll push you” or call me “stupid”, which made me wince because I couldn’t believe that this wonderful guy, who said he loved me, would use those very painful things to wound me. I used to think it was his sick sense of humour, but now that he has cut me out of his life, I see it as a sadistic streak. I don’t understand it. I would never do that to anyone. If anyone else knows why someone would do this, please help us to clarify this.


  140. katrina March 19, 2009 at 8:59 pm #

    i can not talk for all bipolar people. i have bipolar. i hate to admit this. when manic i do manipulate. i hate it. i wish i did not do it. i cant at the moment help it. (but cbt is helping me learn how not too) i also have bpd (borderline personality disorder) its really close to bp and apart of that is being so scared of abandonment (most of it is in my head)
    my girlfriend just left me. and i am doing that. i am texting her emailing her wanting her still so much. want her to want me for me. kinda of thing ( even tho i know to a degree how hard it is for her) i am being nice. and the next i am being a complete moron. what she does and my mum does when i manipulate is they dont take it. they just dont. ignore me. tell me what im doing. my mum more than her drew boundries. the cruel to be kind aproach. i may throw a tantrum. but soon calm down. and when im calm they tell me. or should tell me what i done wrong. how it made me feel. be honest. my mum done that to me today.
    I dont know why i manipulate. because im scared that they dont like me? cause its like a train wreck in my head. once a thought pops up it hard to stop it. for years i did not realise i done it. it has only took till now that i do.

  141. katrina March 19, 2009 at 9:00 pm #


    this website is a lot of help.
    its helping me to realise how i effect people.

  142. Josie March 19, 2009 at 9:35 pm #

    Dear Katrina,

    Yes, I would have stood by him, if I had known his behaviour was due to bipolar disorder. I didn’t know then.
    I am just piecing it all together from the fact that he told me he took lithium, had electroconvulsive shock therapy and saw a therapist once a week or every two weeks at the Mental Health Association. I know that none of his relationships have lasted very long. He told me of all the things that were wrong with those women. I figured I was different, that he wouldn’t dump me, but I was wrong.
    The way he dumped me, by calling the cops and threatening me with a restraining order, which entails 10 years in prison, if breached, is the most frightening thing to me. I am having post traumatic stress disorder over this. I wake up thinking about it and I obsess all day long about it. I just wish I could talk to him rationally to get some closure, but I can’t. He won’t let me.

    Do you think there’s a chance that he might contact me once he gets out his manic feeling?

    Is there a chance that he still loves me like he said he did?

    Is the guy I fell in love with hidden in there, behind his illness?

    Please help. I am desperate.


  143. katrina March 19, 2009 at 10:00 pm #

    nine times out of ten manics will come back full of shame and guilt. they do feel sorry. well i do. yes he is still there. he needs to understand that he can not drink with meds. is he even still taking them? cause it sounds like he stopped. he will/maybe still love you (i cant speak for him) as i said before. a bp who is manic only loves them selves. it is a very selfish disorder.
    go on this forum. it has helped me realise what a moron i can be.helped me understand the real pain i can pass out to my mum and my ex. the people on there can give you better advise than i can. i can only give you from my point of view. the people on the forum have been thru it. can teach you ways of how to be with a bipolar if he or you decides to get back together


  144. Josie March 19, 2009 at 10:09 pm #

    Dear Katrina,

    Thank you for helping me understand. You sound like a great person. Despite your illness, your soul shines through and that’s all that matters. You know, if people love you, they love you in spite of an illness. I know I am like that. If I know someone is ill, it doesn’t matter. It’s the person I love. People cannot be duplicated. God made each one of us special and unique and nobody else can replace us. I just wish that my boyfriend would understand that concept. No one person is replaceable by somebody else. We are unique. God bless you Katrina! And may all you be blessed with success, happiness and love!

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


  145. Going in Circles March 19, 2009 at 10:33 pm #

    Thanks for the replies so far…much appreciated…and man Josie do I know what you mean about closure…I too wake up thinking about it and obsess on it daily…and I know the reason why I do(and you probably as well)is that it makes no logical sense…but a bipolar friend told me “That’s the problem, it won’t make logical sense because a manic person is not logical. They are ruled by their own mind, they are selfish and heartless in that phase. That hate themselves for it when they crash, but when they are manic they don’t give a crap.”…

    To me, it is like seeing 2, maybe 3, distinctly different people…one who is a charming and sensitive man, another who is petty and mean, and a third who thinks he is some kind of king who can walk over anyone he wants to…and 1 of those “people” in him adores me, another does love me, and the third one(the one he has been these last couple of months)gets some wierd sadistic pleasure from hurting me and ripping me apart emotionally…it isn’t the first time he has stepped on my heart…but it is the hardest that he has ever stepped on it….and though he tells me to let go…he also drops little mixed signals at me…things that, dammit I KNOW he knows, will keep me hanging on the line just enough to keep a crack in my door…

    Little things, like the comment about “I can’t hug you because it would lead to something more” or “I really did love you” or “I still love you but it’s different now” or even “Don’t hate me, I never want to lose your friendship.”…

    I think that maybe a big issue with partners of people with bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder(which I think he might also have)is that they get into their partners head…my father(bipolar)is a certified genius…and I have never met a person with bipolar disorder that wasn’t of above average intelligence…and though I am also of above average intelligence…I can see how, once they get “into your mind” it’s very hard to get them out…and it’s strange…but I think that my now former partner might know me well enough to actually know how to predict and counteract my reactions to things…in other words, they may know how to hurt us, but at the same time how to push the limit while coming in just under the wire…another friend said “He doesn’t want you to stop loving him because, if you did, that would hurt his ego. But he does want to see just how close he can push the limit without pushing you completely away.” …it makes sense, because each time he does something like this he takes it a little further, he plays a little harder, and wrecks me a little more than he did the time before…and then he slips back in a little bit at a time…

    And the sad thing is that I recognize this, and yet I still “play the game”…because I don’t know how to just put down the ball…yes, I love him, with all my heart…but as my bipolar friend also told me “We know how to make someone absolutely adore us. And some of us will find that person who will and embed into their heart. Then we push every button they have to see how strong that love is.”

    And all of this makes me wonder…for I am not a person who easily trusts…and yet here is this man who has lied to me, cheated on me, and I believe manipulated me quite a bit…and I still don’t know if all of what is going on right now is part of a huge mind game on his part…a way to, no other way to put it, control me by breaking my heart…a part of me thinks “No one would do that” while another part of me thinks “This man would do almost anything to keep me under his thumb, even leave me.”…

    Before all of this started, he told me a couple of times “You’re going to leave me, you’ll think I’m a loser and you’ll leave me.”…and I told him “I love you, I’d never leave you because that would break both of our hearts.”….and he is very fully aware of just how much this has and is hurting me…but I wonder, and that’s the reason for my questions about manipulation, would a bipolar person leave their partner, push them away, break their heart, even try to “break” them, and use the love that they know that person has for them, as a way to manipulate them? Or to break them down? And how does one recognize this, stop the rollercoaster and say, with all assurance, “I know what you’re doing and it isn’t going to work”…or is there even a way to do that at all?

    The biggest problem being that, strange as it sounds…with fairly minimal contact…thruout this breakup, he really seems to be the one who holds the aces up his sleeve…and every time I get to where I can breathe a bit, and get my frame of mind right, he subtley says or does something that pushes my buttons….two times in all of this have I seen him show any sign of emotion that seemed real…and that emotion was anger…the rest of the time he has shown an almost disturbing lack of emotion about it all…and both of those times the anger was in response to something said by a male friend of mine that he doesn’t particularly like.

    If I seem torn, it’s because I am. And I have read alot of posts on here and seen some rather eerie similarities. I guess that I am just hoping that, between reading and asking, I might find some answers, because he seems to basically either sidestep my questions, or give me answers that are evasive at best.

    • See_the_light December 11, 2011 at 2:16 am #

      oh god, it sounds so familiar.I have been waiting for him to show me some sign of emotion but it never happens. He says he needs more tenderness and when I hug him he is like a block of ice. He manipulates me every single day and I have been altering myself every single day but I am never enough. The only time I hear something nice he says about me is when friends tell me what he said to them. I hoped there is hope but it seems to get worse the older we get. He told me 2 days ago how he would marry me again anytime and we are such a great couple and thanks god we have no relationship issues. Yesterday he woke up with a mood wanted me closer and when I tried to comfort him he walked out on me. Haven’t seen him since then.I feel emotionally drained and what hurts most is the knowledge he wont tell me he is sorry. It will all be my fault again and again.

  146. katrina March 20, 2009 at 12:12 am #

    hey josie.
    thanks for that 🙂 my gf just could not handle being with a bp i guess. i dont blame her for it.

    hey going,
    maybe he is saying those things to hurt you cause he is hurting. pushing you away and hurting you before you hurt him. even tho its cause of the bi-polar you are hurting in the first place.
    Yes bi-polars are manipulative. but you HAVE to set boundries. leave him to cool off. let him come to you. what i have read most bi-polars when going thru an episode do a runner for a bit. (i dont. not with my ex. i pushed her till she cracked)
    you said he might have BPD. a major major bad point to that is being petrified of abandonment! so him hurting you before you can hurt him. sounds really effed up but its what i do/ have done in the past.
    i dont know if all bi polars do this. but i wake up in the morning too and i obsess over my ex. i want her to know how sorry i am for hurting her like i did. i want to see her because it was the bipolar part of me that done that! she says too much damage has been done. and i hate that. i hate it cause i know deep down its true. and that i want to repair it. but what i done was so bad that i dont know where to start. or where i can start. its so frustrating because i know i have bi polar its pretty hard to ignore. but frustrates me cause i dont want to be like this. and i wonder how many more people i am going to hurt/lives i am going to destroy.

    • Josie March 20, 2009 at 4:16 pm #

      My dear Katrina,

      Thank you for your advice.

      It’s been three months and he hasn’t attempted to contact me.

      How long do you think his silence can last?

      Right now it feels as if he will never come back.

      I don’t understand how he can totally cut me off and then still go to the local pub every day and function in other ways.

      I miss him and love him.

      I wish I could know how long an episode like this can last for him. When will he realize I’m still there waiting and that maybe he still loves me like he did before he suddenly cut me off.


  147. Going in Circles March 20, 2009 at 10:52 am #

    Thanks for the insight Katrina…
    I can see the push me away before I hurt him part…because he was almost obssessive over thinking i would “figure out he’s a loser and leave”…especially when he started facing legal troubles…and I know that he knows he hurt me because he has told me that he does and he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to but he “needed change”…the thing that makes this, to me, so unbelievable is the fact that he was so obsessive over never losing me…always telling me never to leave him, worried that something would happen to me(as in that I would die), even to the point of telling friends he didn’t want to “piss her off and make her leave me”…so for him to go from, well, for lack of a better word, almost obsessive about me, to feeling nothing at all for me, to the point that he treats me now as if I am a leper…its like one extreme to another and so suddenly…

    And for what it’s worth…you know the best advice I can give you about your own ex is to just be a friend to the best of your ability…because when you love a person with issues believe me, it takes ALOT to push that person away…love is not something that dies easily, but we do have our “protective armor” that, sometimes, we have to throw up to keep our own self from crumbling…

    Example, this man has hurt me deeply, he has abandoned me(and he knows that I myself have abandonment issues from childhood)broken my heart, “replaced” me with another woman who, kind of eerily, bears a little resemblance to me physically, moved out of our home and into hers, has cheated on me more than once, has gone back and forth between me and a couple of his exes…and yet I would still give almost anything if he would just come back and try to work things out….but he won’t because he is determined that he and I are “done” and he needs to start a new life with the new girl because “I still love you, but it’s different now.”…and he knows that I still very deeply love him.

    Of course, for me, there is that fear that he found his dream girl and they will live a life of wine and roses, which seems to me so unfair because, although I admit I got really mad at him and yelled alot when he jumped off the boat on me this time, for the most part I really have been the best friend he has had for many years. Not only because he told me I was, but because I know his friends and, well, most of them tell me I must be on a mission from god to stand by him like I have.

    When you are with a person like him…sometimes you feel like nothing you do is ever enough. One night you cook an awesome meal and they tell you its wonderful…a week later you cook the same meal and they complain about it. One night you are “the best lover I ever had” and the next night “your ok”…and it takes alot of strength, it really does. Your ex might have enough strength Katrina, but I don’t know. You told me to give him time to cool, that probably also goes for your own ex…and it might take some time…it might never happen, but I know you know if not then it wasn’t meant to be.

    I believe in soul mates, and I believe(always have)that he is mine…I know that, if he doesn’t come back, I’ll be ok…very sad for some time, but eventually, ok…

    I wish that I knew how to let him know that I understand him alot better than he thinks that I do, and that I won’t abandon him, without giving him more power to hurt me, but that is a very tricky thing to do…right now I am being casual, just “a buddy”, trying to not be the hurt me that I was when he first went AWOL on me, but rather to be the sunny, optimistic person that I usually am…letting him know that I am moving on and finding interest in new people, while still letting him know that my friendship isn’t going anywhere…I don’t know if it’s the right thing or the wrong thing, but at this point it’s the only thing that I know to do, to both avoid pushing him away and to avoid giving him anything to hurt me with…it might sound strange but he has before told me “it’s over” only to apologize in an hour and tell me “I don’t ever want to lose you.”…it took him meeting a new girl to decide he did indeed want to lose me…but I know that one way he has, in the past, manipulated me, is by taking away something he knows I truly love…himself.

    And I think Katrina that you are on the right road btw…because you do know the consequenses of your actions, and also because you have genuine remorse for them…and believe me that speaks volumes for your character…accepting our own issues, and being willing to make attempts to better ourselves, even with serious issues such as bipolar…makes a huge difference ultimately.

    Thank you again 🙂

    • Josie March 20, 2009 at 4:24 pm #

      Dear Going in Circles,

      I feel exactly like you do. At least you can still talk with him and get some idea of what is going on.

      My boyfriend has cut me off completely, threatening me with a restraining order if I should ever call, write or email him. I guess that’s his way of making sure he doesn’t have to ever see me or talk to me. It is so cruel and so painful. This is the guy that was calling me two or three times a day and telling me he loved me. He and I were making plans to do things together the very day he called the police to get me off his property.

      He is not seeing anyone as far as I know, although he does go out to the pub every day and I am sure he’s looking for someone else.

      As far as your boyfriend having a life of wine and roses with the other girl, it will only last until he does the same thing to her that he did to you. I can’t believe that he won’t repeat the same pattern. It’s bound to happen and he will devastate her life too.

      I feel the same way as you do about it though, even though rationally I know it can’t be true. For three months I have been beating myself up mentally, about the way I look, the way I am as a person, thinking that if I only looked or acted a certain way, he would still be with me. But I don’t think it’s about us at all.

      Just like you, I would love to know when my boyfriend is coming back to me. It has been the longest three months of my life without him. I have been depressed and unable to live the way I did before he came into my life. I fell head over heels in love with this guy. He knew it. He told me he felt the same way.


  148. katrina March 20, 2009 at 5:41 pm #

    dear going.
    thank you for that. i know that i pushed her too far. im not sure why. maybe its cause i did not realise the effect it had on her. or my mum for that matter sound stupid now. but i did not. i am starting to realise things i do. like for instance i got really frustrated at my friends today cause i was thought i said a full story to them. but infact i just said two words. i asked them if i have always done that and they said yes. i asked my mum to be brutelly honest with me as she is going thru seperation with her bf as he does not understand bipolar and when im really bad with it i need my mum and she was and for once in the whole memory i did not take it personally i listened and empathised and talked instead of shouting and screaming and saying awful nasty things. im also learning that when im not going thru a cycle that i need to carry on consistanly with the cbt (i cant take meds) that the people surrounding me needs support as much as i do. i think im pretty sure i have fully accepted i have this disease that it is apart of me not something seperate. that i have always had it from being a child and its not going to disapear over night how much i want it too. i only realise i realised this earlier. but i also know that i cant change the past. i only hope that one day i can sit down with my ex and explain all of this for her. try and help her to understand how very sorry i am for this. putting her thru this.

  149. Going in Circles March 20, 2009 at 8:08 pm #

    I do know that the life of wine and roses thing is all in my mind…believe me…sometimes he is like a kid, or adolescent better word…he’s very rough and can be very clingy one minute then very cold the next…he can be the most unreasonable human being that I swear I have ever met…he can say one thing and then forget he said it and say something else, and get mad at me for “misunderstanding”…he would often accuse me of cheating on him…or tell me I was looking for someone else…always telling me “You’re going to leave me.”….he went back and forth between me and his ex for some time as well…he is like 2 sides of a coin…and frankly, though I am sure she has seen mostly his charming side, I do know that most women could not deal with what he will put one thru…especially not just a few short months after meeting him…remember they met and moved in together within a few weeks…and he can be very overwhelming…

    As for being able to communicate with him…that isn’t always a lot of help…because he is a master of mixed signals…and the more I know, the less I know it seems…at this point I think there is maybe a 50/50 chance he’ll be back…because he has left me and come back before…because he knows that I accept him and love him not despite of his quirks but also because of them…but he might not come back because of the pain he did cause me…and because he met her…I don’t know…

    There’s this song…it goes “And I’ve done everything I know to try and make you mine, and I think I’m gonna miss you for a long, long time.”…and it really fits…because even when they are around, we still miss parts of them.

  150. Going in Circles March 20, 2009 at 8:12 pm #

    And Katrina…time can be a great mender…and we never know what tomorrow holds…but you seem to have strength and I do know that helps.

  151. Going in Circles March 20, 2009 at 8:18 pm #

    And one more thing…there’s a small part of me that tells me to just cut my losses and walk away completely…and yet a bigger part of me that tells me not to…to stick around because I do love him and he’s gonna need a true friend at some point…and I don’t quite know which part to listen to…the stick around part seems to prevail…but then we have a long history…and it’s hard to walk away from so many years.

  152. katrina March 21, 2009 at 6:54 pm #

    dear going.
    what you said about how your ex treat you. is exactly what my ex said i treat her like. the communication massivly so. i find it hard to talk to people when im not right cause i have “rushing” thoughts where il be thinking a million things at once. its confusing and frustrating. but no excuse. it was just with her tho. with my mum too. its like. i can only pick out certain words of the convo. its like. i think i said summit when i didnt and it comes out ALL wrong.

  153. Going in Circles March 21, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    Yeah, I think he does that too.

    There is one significant difference in him leaving this time and before…this time he got caught in his lies…and he can’t really lie his way out of it…not just by me, but by his ex as well…which is why I’m not sure if he’ll come back…I know he has alot of guilt…he knows he hurt me badly this time…but he also knows I’m very forgiving…he went between being angry with me for “telling” his new girl about his lies, to telling me he doesn’t blame me for it because he hurt me so badly.

    He knows that I have forgiven him(I have a forgiving nature)…I told him I still believe he is my soulmate(and I do)

    It’s strange, I’m rather lost without him…and I guess I don’t understand how he isn’t lost without me…but I guess that’s just the way it goes.

  154. Lost March 24, 2009 at 4:00 pm #

    try dealing with someone whom is bi polar,narcis., bpd now thats something

    • josie March 24, 2009 at 4:19 pm #

      Are you sure we’re not talking about the same person?

      The guy who dropped me callously without ever calling me again for three months may have had both bipolar and narcissistic personality disorder.

      He is into sports cars and everything he has or does or whomever he has in his life has to be important or beautiful. The most beautiful of course.

      I am so hurt I guess because of the way he cut me out of his life. By calling the police when I showed up at his place. I’m not even allowed to call him or email or whatever because he has threatened a restraining order against me. This after he had been the one pursuing me and calling me endlessly and telling me he loved me.

      I feel so sick about it.

      When I see him now, if I ever do, he pretends he doesn’t see me. It’s crazy.

      What do you think?

  155. Allie March 25, 2009 at 1:38 am #

    I totally agree with the very 1st lady that posted…She said, “Most of the time I’m not even aware that I’ve pushed him off, to the side, away from me. I’m just angry and hurting and while I might want his arms around me, his words soothing me, I’m fucking scared and stubborn and generally, irrational. He becomes the enemy, the thorn. I must protect myself.” I didn’t no anyone else felt that way. I have been diagonosed with severe depression, borderline personality disorder, anixety, and bipolar 1. As I speak, I am currently having a “episode” I feel the feeling of hatred. I don’t trust men. I believe all men cheat given the right time and the right chance. Nobody will ever change my way of thinking about that. I have been in 2 relationships. The 1st guy I met when I was 18. After 3 years together we had a baby girl. We were together a total of 5 years. He had alot of head problems as well. I feel I really didn’t have any problems until I met him. I was young and impressionable. I had had a extremley difficult childhood, with a mother who I felt never wanted me. Always pushing me off to the side. Choosing men over me. Giving me up to the state when I was 12. Had me in numerous group homes and foster homes. Shortly after I met him, he started to slowly abuse me. First verbally with his paranoia and accusations. Then, slowly beating me physically. I remember the 1st time he hurt me. He slapped me across the face which stunned me. I started to cry. Not because of the pain, but because his actions hurt . He then told me to stop crying. Placed his hand over my nose and mouth. Held me in his room for an hour in fear of me telling on him. After that the beatings were frequent. He later got SSI for having mental illness. I feel that he created a monster in me. That I was ruined forever. That no one could ever want me after what he did to me. He pushed me over the edge til I snapped. He really did a number on me. After 5 years I left him. I met someone 3 months later. After knowing this new guy for 1 month I moved to FL with him. I was so messed up in my head, that I felt that I needed an escape so bad. I felt that I needed superman to save me. As soon as I moved outta state with this new guy, he started beating me too. It happened within’ days of being in my new location. I thought my ex had beat me bad. I didn’t know what a beating was til I was with this guy. He had mentally, physcially, and emotionally abused me. He broke my nose twice, choked me out, broke stuff over my face, left bruises on me all the time, cut off all my hair, drilled a hole in my leg, and among many more things. He also made me stop working due to his jealousy and to keep a close eye on me. I never ever cheated. I was so loyal and good to him. He would hurt me so bad mentally, that I would walk around for days like a zombie. Feeling no emotion at all. Every chance I got to be alone was a chance to kill myself. I ended up in a mental hospital for 4 days. I ended up leaving him after 2 years. I met him at 23 years old and am now 26. I had taken my last punch from him. The last time he hit me was a severe blow to my ribs, leaving knuckle bruise marks. I am now on disability for bi-polar. I just want people to know that no matter how much you love somebody, you cant make them love u back. Love is deaf, dumb, and blind. This is a part of my favorite scripture in the bible…. 1 Corinthians 13. Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous it does not brag does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for it’s own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Now… there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. Even though this verse says love is long-suffering I know it’s not talking about staying with someone that beats you. I just want people to know that it is NEVER ever a good idea to stay with someone that beats you. No matter how much you think you love him or vise versa. If I can leave a relationship like this, you can leave too. Life is to short to be unhappy.

  156. Lost March 25, 2009 at 9:13 am #



    • reg October 20, 2009 at 1:27 am #


  157. How Bizarre! March 25, 2009 at 8:04 pm #

    Although I am not with my bipolar ex, we broke up about 6 months ago and have spoken a handful of times since then (very brief conversations), i still check this site from time to time to remind myself that walking away was the best thing i could have done for myself. I wont relive all the stories but you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20. There were signs but at the times, we all probably just dismissed it as odd or bizarre and kept it moving. My ex would also excuse me and everyone around her of stealing her things. (paranoia). Everyone else was always the bad guy out to get her and ruin her (paranoia)…
    …I remember her telling me a story about being pregnant and got so mad at her husband at the time that she broke glass and cut him with it. (you would think that this would be enough for me to say, laterz). Again, hindsight is 20/20. We were together for a total of 2 and a half years. Things were very rocky and she was quite unstable. I always found in remarkable that it was easy for her to leave her husband of 4 years, together for like 11..only relationship she had at the time to be with me. In fact, her and i met..she divorced and kicked him out the house in under a year. I thought she did it out of love for me. But what person can go from one life to the next so quickly?? That in itself should have said something but again, she loved me. 2 and a half years into the relationship i found out she was carrying on something with a good friend of mine behind my back. I left and never looked back. Last i heard she uprooted out of the town she’s spent all 32 years of her life to be with my friend, across the county, her “soulmate”. Again, moving from one life so quickly to the next. Bizarre!!! She was open with me in the beginning…stated she had major depression, which was later upgraded to bipolar. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was borderline as well. Like one of the posters, she seems to “like” the things the person she’s with likes.
    I’m rambling now..but being with her for 2 and a half years..brought on my own anxities (her moods swung so often i never knew what to expect). I went threw a period of depression, was on antidepressants as well as sleeping medications. I discontinued the antidepressants after a month because one, i knew the depression was situational (situation being her) and two, they made me irritable. I had difficulties sleeping, i guess due to being anxious all the time, so i was on the sleeping pills for almost a year. After being away from her completely for six months, i am not longer on the sleeping pills and sleep fine at nights. I miss her terribly (don’t ask why) from time to time. But know going back to that would be death for me. She was very unstable. Oh, and like the poster above mentioned, my ex..i found out through a mutual friend, told them incidents of “bad things” i did to her. for example, threatening suicide when she tried to leave me. Thing is, i never did, she was the one. also telling them that i smacked her one time…funny thing is, i never touched her. she did rough me up once. and all sorts of lies. it was so amazing to me. the levels of her lies and manipulations.
    sorry for the long post…just thought i’d share….

  158. Going in Circles March 26, 2009 at 5:06 pm #

    Here’s my question for the day…

    If a bp guy really had no feelings for his former lover anymore, why would they make it a point to tell that woman, repeatedly, “I really did love you.”? and “I still love you, it’s just different now.”?

    I mean, if you really don’t love someone, why bother to even tell them that much?

  159. Polly March 26, 2009 at 9:47 pm #

    I have been reading this blog for past 2 weeks. I couldnt believe when i read. Like reading back my life. I couldnt stop crying. Ive been thinking how to condense everything that has happened but i just cant. I miss her today. Her smell. I never knew much about bi polar until she told me. I will admit i shrugged it off in the beginning as i just thought that the way she was been was normal and natural. I am not a jealous person but we all have our insecurities and trust issues and at first i thought it was. I was in so deep and she told me about been abused, self harm and been in rehab. I wasnt scared by any of this nor did i ever judge her like she thought i did. We were on and off in most of our relationship. We broke up about a month ago after 2 years. It was different this time as the trust has gone. She too gets lost in her lies and forgets things she has said. Apologises for pushing me away and saying cruel things bit how much can one person take? I acknowledged that it was a problem i always encouraged her to be positive and made allowances even when i shouldnt have done. I feel so alone. Like i have no one to talk to. I feel like a broken record and at times i would lie to those close to me about some of teh problems because i know what they will say walk away, you deserve better etc but they dont understand, some of them do. the ones that did have been my towers of strength but they not around so much now. I lie to my family. They ask if im ok and i say yes. I havent even told them its over. They dont know the extent of her problem. Im not ashamed but i get upset when people are judgemental because they can never see her the way i do. Everyone says she needs help. Ive always said this and even when i try to help she doesnt see. I keep asking how can i love her so much when she can say mean nasty things to me and disrespect me. She never trusted me and never had any reason not to cos i was still am so in love with her. But i cant have her. I could handle some of her episodes they were tolerable. I felt like i grew to learn some things and knew when to walk away some times. But she pushed pushed me. I dont feel like im myself anymore. I feel sad i used to be so bouncy and positive. Ive been ok in her absence but i feel so weird cos ive never been in this position before. I love her so much but i just dont know whats real. I dont know if that love was ever real at times as she has been so selfish and insensitive. She treats me as the enemy now to make it easier for herself when it was her actions that did this. She feels like im giving up on her but am i? What do you do seriously? She has got better in lots of ways and i acknowledged that but i dont feel like she tried enough to understand the consequences of her actions. I HAVE to think about myself cos i never have before cos i was starting to breakdown again. Its always been about her and it still is cos she continues even now to manipulate every situation. I know she is good i wouldnt still love her otherwise. I see it in her. God no one has ever made my heart beat as fast as she can. It was love alright. Thanks for reading my ramble but i had to vent some of this baggage im carrying.

  160. Lost March 27, 2009 at 9:28 am #




    • gnosis444 July 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

      I’m experiencing what feels like a “slow death” I need help. I have been living with my GF for what is going on 1 year. The relationship didn’t start off romantic but became romantic 3 month after we moved in together as roommates, big mistake! She later revealed to me she was taking medication for depression. I’ve taken responsibility and have giving her many outs to move out, I’ve told her I would help with finding another place she was having a hard time with the relationship and living together, crossing the line from roommate to live in lovers was a bit much for BOTH of us. But she takes no action in moving out to make our lives better. In turn she yells, threaten me, provokes me, calls me every possible hateful disrespectful thing ever. She tries to shatter my spirit with words then closes herself off to the world by locking her door, turning her phone off and not coming out of her room for days. She doesn’t sleep at night unless she dopes he self with sleeping pills. I catch her in lil lies to people and she makes up lil stories when she wants to justify her checking out, she keeps her family far away from her. Our relationship has caused a strain in my close friendships and family. She tells me she doesn’t want me and is going to call one of her EX bF’s whenever it gets really bad between us. She talks and talks yells and makes threats but she doesn’t do anything … she does nothing in the end and makes no attempt to act on any of them. Her goal was to completely push and push me away, she succeeded or is succeeding …. once she does, she’ll come around and express how sick she is and is not feeling good. I begin to help her with whatever pain she is feeling but shocked and broken from the treachery I’ve endured. I muster up the strength to show her love and support. I escort her to the doctors and or run to get her medication and feed her when she has a break down. At times I think things are getting better, but then there are times its just goes back to square one. I love her, I do, I know I’ve depicted my gf as an awful person. The truth is she’s not but when the depression or mania hits her she becomes someone from out of this planet. I can’t reach her and she will say and do everything to hurt me and keep me at bay. I don’t know what to do, I want my life back, but am and willing to work out a situation for the both of us. I truly believe I am the closet person to her. I know more about her then most. She’s told me and hates this aspect of our relationship. She has expressed she has never been this open with another person. I believe this scares her and regrets how much I know of her when the times are bad. Right now she in her little private world nursing herself an shielding herself from the world when just 24 hours ago she was funny, amazing, witty, thought out and loving. I know what to look for now… the commonality is when she drinks the night before the next few days of HELL will cascade over into our day to day and Everyday.

  161. Marc March 28, 2009 at 9:31 am #

    I have been with my wife for about 11yrs. We have been married for 9. In the first year of our relationship I didn’t thing we would make it. She was mad all the time, and had no accountibility for money. She would shop and hide what she bought in her trunk of her car, and back of the closet. She had more pairs of shoes then the shoe dept. at Macy’s.

    She then went and got checked out. Her Dr. perscribed effexor. After starting her new meds, a happy, understanding, and responcible person emerged. For the next nine years we had a great marrage, I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. We grew together physically, emotionally, and financially. My wife was married before we met, and had a daughter. She was 1 years old when we met. I have always loved her like she was my own. In 2004 we had a son. We were finally financially secure, and our life looked like it came out of a novel. My wife always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.

    About a year and a half ago she started getting mad at everything and becoming depressed all the time. At the time my mother was in our house and probably going to stay for a while. This was depressing to me as well so I just assumed thats what caused it. Then she became more distant, and started hiding her phone. Things got really rocky, but we seemed to get through it. Then I got a call from the wife of her co-worker telling me she had an affair with her husband. Things went downhill, trust was broken, and I didnt know if I could get over it. She begged me not to leave her. She never really reassured me about my importance in her life, so getting over the affair was a long road. Then I found a letter she wrote to herself discribing her love and desire for one of our neighbors. she claimed that she was just trying to get a stupid thoughts out so she could laugh at it and not look back. Yeah right!

    Her attitude became worse, to the point all I could think about is leaving her. Then 6 mo. ago she goes to a new Dr. and get diagnosed Bipolar Manic depression. She was put on differant med and was told the Effexor she was on only last for 5-6 years before the body is immune to it. For the nent few weeks everything was back to normal, then it started to slip back. Her meds were up’d four times. Every time it was up’d things were good for a week, then back down.

    Now two weeks ago she comes home and sais she is moving out and already put a deposit down on a apartment. She said that she needed to find her own identity. I was understanding and tried to be supportive. Then a few days later she says she doesn’t want to pretend we are still married and doesnt want to touch me or kiss me anymore. Now my whole world is being ripped out from underneath me. Between then and now she has gone from saying she loves me and doesnt want to hurt me, to she hates me, and is lying to everyone that will listen to her. She refuses to get checked out again, or change or add meds. Now I have proof she has feelings for a 21 yr old “punk” that works for her. History is just repeating itself one more time. She got another secret phone, and wants a divorce as fast as possible so she can move on. I can’t fight it anymore. I have tured to her family for help, and they all know she has issues, but still sided with her and turned there backs on me.

    Now Im stuck living with a woman thats openlly hates me for the next four weeks until her apartment is ready. Just three weeks ago we were on the couch cuddling laughing, and watching law and Order. She now blames me for everything and belives the lies she is telling eveyone.

    Is there a chance of her ever finding her old self?

  162. Marc March 28, 2009 at 9:37 am #

    I forgot one of the most important issues. We are both 39. She only befriends people 25yrs old or younger, and her oldest friendship is may be 6mos. These are the people she confides in, and looks for support, and advice.

  163. Going in Circles March 28, 2009 at 10:50 am #


    I have been dealing with a similar issue…the best I can tell you is this…bipolar people do have a tendacy to suddenly need change…mine is undiagnosed but he too jumped out a few weeks ago to go live with someone he had just met and barely knew…she knew about me because I told her but didn’t care…he is living with her now but he doesn’t act altogether happy…it isn’t the first time he has left me…

    I was told that he’ll be back, because he finds my presense a comfort, because he has done this sort of thing before and came back to me…at this point I don’t know if he will or not…but mine knows that I know he has issues, and that I accept him not just for the good, but for the bad as well, and that I love him anyway.

    I suspect that your wife knows that she can pretty much get away with any behavior with you…and that you will accept her because you know she has issues…you might try this…sit down and write her a little letter, not all full of emotions, but rather simply tell her “Hey, I understand that you need your space, everyone gets to a point where they need to re-evaluate, and I accept that. I love you, but I accept your decision and I hope that we can still remain friends.” and leave it at that…because that isn’t pushing or pressuring, but it also isn’t begging her to come home. She might figure it out soon, it might take her awhile, but there’s probably better than a 50/50 chance she will. In the mean time, find support for yourself(I joined the great support group that Katrina told us about in a post above)…and just take things day by day because I am sure we all know that, with a person who is bipolar or who has issues like this, tomorrow really can bring a drastic change.

    I really understand what you’re going through, buddy. I know how hard it is. You ain’t alone either, there’s alot of us in your shoes who keep asking ourselves “Why? What did I do?” but I don’t think that we really did do anything so bad. Nothing bad enough to deserve what we’re dealing with. Just hang in there, and remember, one day at a time.

  164. Going in Circles March 28, 2009 at 10:53 am #

    Oh, one more thing Marc…you have kids…I was the child of 2 bipolar parents and it is ROUGH when you’re a kid in that position…so of course you have to be there for them and that makes it doubly hard…but I have found it can also make it easier too…take the kids places like the movies or out for hot dogs or to the park…it will take all of your minds off of it and it will also give the kids a sense of comfort knowing they have your stability to count on. Let them know that Mom is having a rough time right now but it’ll be ok. And just enjoy them, because you know kids are a gift.

  165. Polly March 29, 2009 at 9:23 am #

    I spoke to her online the other day. I thought it was safe too. I just said hi. Even after the name calling and the things that she said about me why still now do i miss her so terribly? I said i had to go but she asked me to stay and talk to me. I was scared cos she would manipulate me and blame me for talking to her but she said no she wont shout. I tried to explain how nervous i get talking to her cso im so scared shes gonna use it against me and not acknowledge my feelings and that i care. She knows how much she can hurt me. Anyway i had to leave as my friend was coming round and i needed to be with someone cos i felt weak and then she rang and started crying asking why i do this to her and to not be in contact with her. The following day she excessiveyl rang me and blamed me when she promised she wouldnt calling me a head fuck and that i make her worse. She keeps sayign that i make her bi polar worse but i know that i dont i just have to keep telling myself that. I was driving my car when she was ringing i text saying couldnt talk my battery gonna die. Then im in the supermarket. I answer shes screaming at me crying blaming me. She wants me to breakdown, shes blaming me again for her hurt. What about fucking mine?? Says her friends coming together and im just scared what they will think of me because they will know its me thats done this to her. I say fine i really cant be in your life can i? Any sort of communication is ruined and pushing me further away. Granted it was me who say said hello first but she said it was ok. She makes me feel in a safe environment so i talk and then when i do she throws it back in my face. I hate this. I love her. Why do i miss her? I feel like im breaking down all over again. I dont know what to do. Ive never been in situation where relationship has to end for my well being but i miss and love her so much. Im forgetting the nice part of her, the part that loved me. Please help me. Am i really pathetic like she thinks i am?

  166. Going in Circles March 30, 2009 at 11:05 am #

    You aren’t pathetic…she’s trying to control you.

    A friend and I were talking about fear and how manipulators use fear to control people…

    For example, a person knows that we love them and are afraid of losing them…so they in turn remove themselves from us to hurt us, because by making us scared and hurt, by making us second guess ourselves, they control our mind and, in a wierd since, stop us from moving on…they “leave” us so that we won’t really leave them…it keeps their options open…by confusing us and making us afraid all the time, they keep us in their pocket where no one else can slip in and take us away.

    It’s a rather sick and twisted thought…but I could see my friends point because in a way it makes sense.

    So no, you aren’t pathetic and she doesn’t really think you are…in all likelihood she is very dependant on you being around for her, but she doesn’t know how to keep you around just by loving you, so instead she turns it into a game where she manipulates your emotions and your mind so that you’ll be to confused to truly leave her.

  167. Polly March 30, 2009 at 1:29 pm #

    Thanks Circles,

    That makes sense. After the weekends events i agreed to meet her tonight but when i got to wrk this morning i realised i had double booked myself and i couldnt really get out of it as i promised a mate i would see her band with my friend and we bought tickets. Its stupid cos i was looking forward to seeing her as well even though i knew it would probably end badly. Anyway i text asking if i could see her tomorrow instead and that i was really sorry, even said i would try and get out of it but didnt wanna let my friends down as i promised id go. I knew she would go crazy and she did. ” Fuck you i cant believe you done this, you make me ill, you make me worse, i knew you would let me down, and that ive ruined any sort of chance of been in her life etc. She was blaming me for the breakdown in this relationship when i know thats not true. Have to keep telling myself im good and not bad like she says i am. She had me in tears at work again and i felt so stupid cos people just dont understand and everyone asking me whats wrong all the time. I thought i was been reasonable. I could of seen her tomorrow or some other time but in back of my mind i knew she would react like that was just hoping she wouldnt. I didnt wanna stand my friend up cos she been so good to me in all of this and she thought she was been ridiculous so i would of just looked weak if i cancelled on her especially after how nasty and irrational she was been. She said i know how she reacts to been “rejected”. Just feels like everything is “bi polar” now, like im supposed to know how she reacts therefore i must deserve to be treat like shit as a punishment if i “reject” her as she calls it. I just dont know what to do anymore. i cant stop crying. Its horrible. I cant live with her and cant live without either. She did this to us. I hate her for breaking my heart but i love her. She says sorry for the things she has done so why does she keep dragging me through shit. She doesnt understand at all and made no attempt to understand what it was like for me then and what it is like for me now.

  168. Going in Circles March 31, 2009 at 9:28 am #

    Well honey, she keeps dragging you through shit because she’s sick…it sounds like shes rapid cycling right now(if you don’t know what that term means, google it so you can get an understanding)…and she doesn’t understand because it’s part of her illness and she’s in denial about it…and she knows you love her very well, believe me, by keeping you in chaos you don’t have time to think about anything but her…you go out with your friends, she finds a way to ruin it and make you feel guilty so you won’t have a good time because you’ll be thinking about her…

    Right now, I am dealing with a man who I have no doubt loves me, but who is so stuck on a decision he made while manic that he won’t admit he made a mistake, even though it is going to cost him me …and there’s nothing else that I can do or say to him…it doesn’t get through…ane he is will to trade in a relationship and a person that he has spent years with for one that he barely knows…and I look at it this way…if after all these years of loving each other, if he can truly fall in love with someone else literally over night and just walk away from his best friend, then it just wasn’t meant to be and I really do deserve more…

    Try to put it in this perspective…if you know in your heart of hearts that you have done your best, then you really can’t do anything else, and you haven’t done anything wrong.

  169. Polly March 31, 2009 at 2:28 pm #

    Dear Circles,

    Im really sorry to hear that you sound really grounded and understanding. Its weird cos after been in this relationship ive learnt that im stronger and mroe patient than i ever realised but on the other hand i am very weak also. The fact that i keep allowing myself to be in a situation that is bad for me.
    I do know in my heart of hearts that i have tried my best. I would of been willing to do couple counselling whatever it took but she wasnt doing enough and she should be going that extra mile after all. I acknowledge that she has an illness but when things go wrong and she calms down she doesnt take responsibility or attempt to understand what has happened or why she has upset me so much. I sympathise with what you said about decision making when manic. Its hard enough to hear things in a manic state and its figuring out whats true and real. That what im struggling with now. Did she ever really love me as much as she said or can she see im a good person, a keeper so to speak. Really not blowing my own trumpet there but im trying to tell myself i am good cos she brings me down with her words and i know my heart is in the right place. People tell me i worry too much and think about other people as apposed to myself. Im a worrier a people pleaser and i think she saw that in me. The chaos theory is so true. I had a health scare couple of weeks back and when i got the all clear i was so relieved just wanted to chill and have a drink with my friend. We seperated at this point but even then she made it about her and how it had been so hard for her (this was before i got the all clear too!) which resulted in her ruining my evening and me in tears. Again.
    You do deserve more as do i. Just have to keep tellign ourselves that but what do you do when your heart is still with them and probably always will be? Thanks for your kind words.

  170. Going in Circles March 31, 2009 at 8:04 pm #

    Hey the Beatles said “In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”…that’s why we stay, because we love them and love is never a bad thing…do we deserve more? Maybe…but so do they…and this illness isn’t their fault…and because we’re the ones they love the most we’re also the ones that they emotionally beat up…because when you love somebody you expect them to just take it…hang in there…I won’t tell you that it gets better, but it does get easier.

  171. Polly April 2, 2009 at 7:44 pm #

    What got easier for you? The relationship or the getting over it? Its really hard to get over a relationship this way because its not “normal” circumstances is it. Its not like the person the person is been a dick as its not their fault but sometimes i find it hard to differentiate the difference between the qualities of the person and the illness. I saw her last night for first time in weeks and we spoke. It was nice but so many unresolved issues and questions in my head but is there any point in answering them as i know the answer. Its the trust and the lies that i struggle with even when things are calm. We ended up sleeping together. The chemistry is still so amazing and intense. It was so amazing but both know we cant go back. Im scared its gonna get thrown back at me though i said that beforehand but who knows. Feel like i should be the strong one in that way as im not cursed with this illness but i cant control my own emotions right now either. Nice Beatles quote by the way. Very fitting.

  172. Sam April 3, 2009 at 11:34 am #

    I found this website a few days ago and have found much comfort in it.

    My fiance and I have been together for nearly 13 years. I knew he was bipolar from the outset but it wasn’t until a few years ago that I really ever noticed how this affected him. It wouldn’t manifest itself by him being angry, but rather ignoring me – for days. The first time it happened for 3 days in a row. We’d planned to go out one evening but when he was late I would call and text him, but be completely ignored everytime. It didn’t make sense especially when we were happily talking just a few hours before and looking forward to going out. When he did turn up 3 days later he said that he didn’t realise at the time that he was ignoring me, but then he started to feel bad and seemed full of regret. I forgave him as I was just pleased to have him safe and sound.

    He has ignored me for days on ends since then, but these episodes could be 6+ more months apart. However, it’s happening again and I just feel so confused. We live together but since we were having some work done at home I went to stay with my parents for a few days while he went to stay with some friends (his friends, I don’t know them). We called and texted eachother for the first 2 days, then nothing. I asked him if he would be coming back home that night but didn’t get a reply and he never did come home. The only way I knew he was “safe” was by checking his Facebook. He had been happily posting messages there in the past 10 days that he has ignored me. My heart sunk and I thought that was it, we were over. But, this behaviour just wasn’t his style. If we had problems then we’d talk them out and if he wanted it to end I always asked him to give it to me straight and not play games. So, this just doesn’t feel like him at all.

    It wasn’t until I found this site and read the comments that I figured that maybe it’s a bipolar episode he’s going through that is making him push me away as it seems to be a common problem. I know he has started drinking alcohol quite a lot lately and takes Prozac for his depression – and I can’t imagine they compliment eachother well. It’s quite out of character for him to be like that as usually he is sensible where alcohol is concerned.

    I just need some hope. I have tried calling him but it goes to voicemail, I have texted him but got no reply so I don’t know where to go from here. Again, this is the complete opposite to how he, the man I fell for, would behave so I can’t help think it’s related to his bipolar. For the most part he’s under control, although does get moody/distant sometimes, but never to the point of ignoring me completely for 10 days straight. I keep looking for reasons: did I say or do anything wrong? No, things were fine and completely normal.

    Feeling really hurt and hopeless about it. Trying to be strong but sometimes I just break down in disbelief at what is happening.

  173. Sam April 3, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    I also meant to add, I don’t know whether I should continue to pursue him or let him be. The hardest thing is waiting: wondering whether he will call or text me; wondering whether he will come home tonight as if nothing is wrong. That’s usually how his 2-3 day disappearances would end. He would walk in as if nothing was wrong and would be quite surprised at how upset I was for being ignored. Part of me thinks that if I don’t pursue him then he’ll think I don’t care. I want to be here for him, but after 10 days of this emotional turmoil I’m just not sure that I could take it happening again. I’d even take closure, as long as I could get some rest from this constant ache in my heart.

  174. Going in Circles April 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm #

    I guess time helped me, he’s been gone about 2 months now. It took me awhile to wrap my mind around what happened…this is the man that I believed would never stop loving me…I still believed that the day he left…because I had no real hint that he was going to leave me for someone else…and for all of his issues, that he would move out of my bed and into hers in a day…out of our house and into hers in a couple of weeks…that he would go from wanting to know where I was every minute of the day one day…to not caring where I was and telling me to “Get over it and find someone else” the next…well it’s still not something that I understand…but I see now that it’s an illness, just like cancer or malaria…but this is a lifelong illness that never goes away…and he will always be sick…

    This man was willing to trade what he called “The best thing that ever happened to me.” for something that he didn’t even really know…and that’s what made it easier for me…because as I sat here one day the realization hit me, that if he would truly rather work on something that he has had in his life for a whole 8 weeks, than to try and salvage something he has had for 8 years, then it truly is time for me to move on, and ultimately it will be his loss…I know that I have reached my own hand out more than half way…I have forgiven him for lying, cheating, and broken promises…for treating me like a second-hand person…for putting me on the bottom of his totem pole where there might always be someone better that he should persue, just in case the new really might be better than what he already had…and I am kind, and strong, and loving, and arguably the most laid back, easy going, and accepting person in the world…I am willing to work around his issues, help him solve them, willing to have an open relationship if that’s what he needs sexually…and willing to accept him for the good and the bad…and to trust him with my heart…and to just be his friend if thats what he needs…but that’s all I have, that’s as far as I can reach, I can’t extend my hand any further…because I have been as willing to meet his needs as any human being could ever be expected to be…and that is still not enough.

    In the time since mine has left, I have started finding myself and I tell ya what, he could do alot worse. I remind myself of that every day…and I listen to music about moving on in life…and I accept that it’s just time for me to do just that…move on….I used to be afraid to that mine would think I didn’t care anymore…of course I still do…but you can’t show someone you care who doesn’t want to see it…the best way that you can show them anything at all is to show them your own strength by starting down lifes road WITHOUT them…he might choose to follow you, and he might now…but either way it’s a road that will lead you wherever it is that YOU need to be.

  175. Going in Circles April 3, 2009 at 1:40 pm #

    that should say “He might choose to follow you, and he might not”

    A wise man somewhere in the posts above said back off and they will come to us…

    But now I know whether he comes back or not, it’ll still be ok.

  176. ashley April 8, 2009 at 11:08 pm #

    i lost the best part of me when i lost my best friend kate. Not only did i lose her once because of my bipolar issues but i lost her a second time too. i never had a great friend before her and i dont think i will ever meet anyone else that could come close to it. I messed up. for the longest time i couldnt figure out why i did what i did, im still not entirely sure. i mean i loved her. i do love her. im not even sure what kind of love it is. i really pushed it to the limits with her. lately i have this voice in my head screaming at me……WHY? HOW? DO SOMETHING!!!…. but im sure its another little trick my mind is playing on me. ive done enough damage to her. she has moved on. she doesnt need me to bother her.

    anyways… i think about her all the time. her face…her smell….. i drive myself crazy even thinking about her… im not myself anymore. im someone cold and dead inside. i feel emptiness. i went by her work the other day… and i got worked up and was shaking… im deeply disturbed by myself for hurting her sooo much. i messed up soo bad… does she think about me? i cross my fingers and wish, hope someday we will meet again. and maybe things will be okay again… until then i think she is better off without me. and if you love someone, all you need to know is that they are happy. i can see that she is well taken care of now.. but i miss

  177. ashley April 8, 2009 at 11:08 pm #

    i lost the best part of me when i lost my best friend kate. Not only did i lose her once because of my bipolar issues but i lost her a second time too. i never had a great friend before her and i dont think i will ever meet anyone else that could come close to it. I messed up. for the longest time i couldnt figure out why i did what i did, im still not entirely sure. i mean i loved her. i do love her. im not even sure what kind of love it is. i really pushed it to the limits with her. lately i have this voice in my head screaming at me……WHY? HOW? DO SOMETHING!!!…. but im sure its another little trick my mind is playing on me. ive done enough damage to her. she has moved on. she doesnt need me to bother her.

    anyways… i think about her all the time. her face…her smell….. i drive myself crazy even thinking about her… im not myself anymore. im someone cold and dead inside. i feel emptiness. i went by her work the other day… and i got worked up and was shaking… im deeply disturbed by myself for hurting her sooo much. i messed up soo bad… does she think about me? i cross my fingers and wish, hope someday we will meet again. and maybe things will be okay again… until then i think she is better off without me. and if you love someone, all you need to know is that they are happy. i can see that she is well taken care of now.. but i miss you

  178. Polly April 11, 2009 at 11:09 pm #

    Its 4 o clock in the morning again and i cant sleep. I saw her the other day. We went for dinner. I was so calm, tried so hard to be rational and i was, even though im the one who has been betrayed and lied to. The pushing away, the abuse to an extent i could handle and make allowances for but the lies? How can you consistently continue in a relationship without that? Cos even when the manic has subsided you need trust and healthy conversation to overcome the destruction that has just taken place? Anyway i gave her the chance to explain the lies she has told me. I asked her to explain her side of things but she just couldnt and then more lies were told. She panicked when i asked her a question as i think i caught her out. Not intentionally. I said she was making a choice by been the way she was. If she could not at least explain herself instead shes led me to believe that i am right about her lieing to me. She has had so many opportunites, so many in fact to try. What am i doing? She kept trying to change the subject and manipulate. Making about her, straying away from the questions i had. The same old really. Am i insensitive for losing patience even though i know that my feelings will never be equal to hers? Ever? Ive been trying for years. Its been 2 months now since we broke up really. I wish i could sleep. I wish i didnt miss her so much.

  179. Jim April 14, 2009 at 10:10 pm #

    I get that warm feeling when I am pushed away. It is hard not to belive it is me, I am forgetful and late and she makes good points. She is smart and remembers everything though some times I question if her representation of the past isant a little skewed in her favor I love her with all my heart and I just want us to be happy but how? It is a battle I always new you had to fight for what you want but I never thought it would be this hard

  180. Nich April 18, 2009 at 1:50 pm #

    I met my fiance 8 months ago. He was the most loving and supportive and kind person I have ever been involved with. After knowing him for about a month, I noticed mood swings with him and he would push me away. He was abused as a child by his father and he was also molested by a neighbor. After he pushed me away, he would come back crying to me and beg for forgiveness, saying he didn’t know what he was thinking. Well, I would always take him back, I love him so much. Well, for several months, everything was great until this past week. He told me that he wants to be alone, that he doesnt want to feel any emotions anymore. That our relationship is not the same to him anymore. Then a couple days after he tells me these things, he asks me for help. I called my sister-in-law who is a psychologist and she talked to him over the phone. (He lives out of state from me) She told me that when she talked to me, he has anger issues that were never resolved with his dad and there is a possibility he is bipolar. After she talked to him, he called me back crying saying that he loved me and never wanted to break up with me. He didnt even remember all the hurtful things he said to me when he broke up me. He has made an appointment with a therapist in a couple days. He told me again how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me, and he told me if he pushes me away again, to keep fighting for him, to not give up on him. The next day after that he is angry all day, at everyone and everything. He told me he wants to be a zombie so he doesnt have to feel anything. The day after this, he is depressed and says he “feels weird” about us, and he breaks it off again. I dont know what to do, he hasn’t called me for a day, even though he said he would, I am a wreck emotionally, b/c I know he loves me but these moods change his outlook. My heart is crushed b/c he wont talk to me about his feelings, I am shut off completely. The last time he talked to me, he told me he was thinking clearly about breaking it off with me, but he was acting cold and heartless towards me and I know when he is a normal state of mind, he doesnt act like that. He told me all the times he has told me he loves me or wants to be with me was for my benefit and he didnt want to hurt me. But, yet after the first time he broke up with me, he purchased a ring for me that has an inscripition on it that says “I love you, forever”.
    How can someone flip flop their emotions like that so quickly? How can one day they say I love you so much and want you forever and cry to you on the phone and the next day say they dont want anything to do with you? Should I let it go and give him his space? It kills me inside to not hear his voice and talk to him, but I dont want to push him away further. Please help me, I am depressed and need any comments or sugesstions as to what I should do. Thanks.

  181. Anna April 18, 2009 at 10:09 pm #

    Hi Nich,

    I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I went through a similar situation, and it’s been so awful. I think that you should carefully think through what a long-term relationship with your finance would be like. Remember that just as he is likely to come back to you, he is just as likely to go push you away again. You have to decide if that is something that you can handle. Having him tell you that he loves you one day and then the next day that he feels nothing for you is very painful.

  182. Polly April 21, 2009 at 2:24 pm #

    Hi Nich,

    You sound like me 8 months into my relationship with my ex. Its weird calling her an ex cos shes really not. We still love each other so much. In fact im debating whether to see her later because im scared of adding fuel to the fire in our messy complicated break up. You cant stop or force yourself from loving him. Thats what she did to me by pushing me away. They hurt you before they get hurt themselves. I too cant understand how she can say she say she loves me more than anything, that she is sorry for putting me through what she had and then the next day telling me she wants nothing to do with me and that i make her worse. Its so hard cos i know she has an illness but for me it was the inconsistency of her efforts and the way she pushed me away in my attempts to help her get better, show her i was on her side. We broke up on our 2 year anniversary couple of months ago. In that time she has moved home and started on meds. She was having counselling before but was inconsistent and i felt she didnt wholly want to face things and do it for herself. For me only way through this is evaluating my life and what i want out of it. I wanna go travelling so im aiming to do that. Im at a point in my life where i need big change for myself. Try not to blame yourself i do at times. I feel bad for upsetting her and when she blames me and i can see her manipulating i still feel bad for getting angry even though i have every right to. She says i dont understand, that i dont know how to handle her but i do more than she thinks. This website has been a big help for me, just talking to other people about it who going through same thing. I know its hard but try not to react when you get pushed away. Try not to take things personally and as frustrating and hard as it may be try and be rational. If you feel your in a situation where you can see things getting out of hand or a conversation going too far walk away from it and try not to bite back. If he really wants to be with you he has to attempt to understand the impact he can have on you.

  183. Nich April 21, 2009 at 9:57 pm #

    Thank you for all the replies. Just an update on my situation, my bf says he went to a counselor and they told him he is not bipolar. Idk if I can believe him or not, b/c when I first called them to set up his apt. they said they cannot do a diagnoses on him, that they are just licensed counselors. He also told me they offered him a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, but when I talked to the receptionist, she insisted to me more than 1x that they cannot write out prescriptions there. When I told him about this, he got angry with me and told me he was not crazy and stopped talking to me for 1 full day. In spoke with him tonight, he insists that he is fine, that his love for me has changed and is not the same. Idk, I really believe he is bipolar, but maybe he really doesn’t love me anymore. Does anyone have any idea how long a mood swing can last? It will be a week on Thursday since he broke it off with me. Everything has to go by his terms, he won’t talk to me on the phone b/c he says I broke his trust when I told him I was going to hurt myself while I was on the phone with him. (I lost total grip w/ reality and had a breakdown, I am now going to counseling for my depression) He just doesn’t seem to understand that I had a breakdown and he can never forgive me for that, he says it was “unforgivable” of me. I still want things to work out with him, I am so codependent on him and I am going to go to group meetings for that too. I don’t think he understands that love changes as relationships mature. I mentioned flying out to see him for his birthday and his mood changed, he was lol and seemed like maybe he would like to see me again. I also think he has a sex addiction, which I believe is another symptom of bipolar disorder. Can the mood swings last a long time? Again, he says he is thinking clearly, but he is not the man I fell in love with.

  184. josie April 22, 2009 at 5:27 pm #

    With me I am not sure if it was a bipolar episode or if he was just a narcissistic, mean person.
    We were together for five great months. He told me he loved me and called me two or three times a day. He urged me to leave my unhappy, abusive marriage and was helping me to do that. I did finally move out and he was calling me and inviting me over to his place, as loving and kind as could be. At Christmas he took off his gold chain, the one he wore all the time and put it on me. He told me he loved me so much and I was the most special person in his life except for his son, who he adored. Then on New Year’s Day, he called me twice. We had a very nice, loving conversation and he told me he was going to a get together at a friend’s house. That evening I called him to wish him good night and he said he couldn’t talk because he had a young woman over, who was too drunk to drive home from the party. A red flag went up for me. I don’t know if it’s because I am insecure, or because of the trauma of moving out from my married house just two weeks prior, or because I had an intuition of something wrong, I drove by his house and I saw the woman’s car parked there. My emotions took over and I knocked on the door. She came to the door, but couldn’t unlock it. He never came to the door. When I called later, he yelled at me, calling me a stupid idiot for waking her up. I was his girlfriend and he called me an idiot, and was protecting this other person. I was crying and was devastated. I went back to the apartment and I took off the chain he gave me and put it in an envelope with a note explaining how hurt I was and how I loved him so much, but obviously my feelings were not reciprocated. I dropped it off in his mailbox and her car was still there. I guess I expected him to call me and apologize and tell me he did still care about me. I mean he had told me he loved me that very afternoon. The next day he didn’t call, so I drove over to his place hoping to clear things up. I loved him and still love him so much. We were not only lovers, but best friends. Well, when I got to the door he yelled “What do you want?” as if I was his worst enemy. His eyes looked dark and he didn’t seem his usual self. I said “Please let’s talk.” To which he replied that if I didn’t leave, he would call the police. So he proceeded to call the police. I left, stunned and shattered. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I tried to call him, a few days and a few weeks after the incident to clear things up, and I apologized for whatever I had done, but he threatened me with a restraining order, should I ever contact him again. He had told me he took medication, lithium, and had had electroconvulsive shock therapy once or twice, and saw a mental health centre for therapy a few times a month. Do you guys think that he could have been overwhelmed by me showing up when he had that girl over and flipped in a manic episode? Or does it sound like something a normal man might do to a woman he no longer wants in his life? If so, how could he have loved me at 4:30 pm and then hated me at 9:30 pm? I went from being his lover and best friend to being treated like his worst enemy and a criminal.

    Could someone please help me?

    I haven’t spoken to him for three months.

    Is this it? Is it over forever? Is there one slim chance that if I call him or email him he may be receptive to me? Or do you think he may still try to hurt me with a restraining order?

    Thank you for hearing me out. I appreciate any help I can get.

    I am stuck in a dark emotional place because of this.

    I love him, but can’t contact him. It really sucks.

    • jackie October 19, 2010 at 4:33 pm #

      Pray for him and get on with your life. God bless you!

  185. Cheryl April 23, 2009 at 3:45 pm #


    Let me 1st say that I am so relived to have come across this site. I can’t tell how much better I feel about my sitution and know that I am not alone. All these stories are almost exactly what my on again off again bipolar boyfriend does. I would like to share my story when I have more time to write it out, but I just wanted to express my joy in finding this information.

  186. Nich April 24, 2009 at 10:26 am #

    Another update on my bf/fiance who keeps flip flopping on his feelings towards me. I have given up on our relationship, it is over. I have a ton of support from family and friends and I just realize, I need to be happy, I can’t live with him one day loving me and the next not, blaming me for his problems, etc. I needed to cut all ties and move on. Anyone who has any doubt they can’t do it, YOU CAN! Look for support groups in your area, talk to you family, friends anyone who cares about your well-being. You are better than having to go through what you are. I love him and I believe I always will, and if he ever wants to come to me and talk (as friends) I will still be there for him. I just realized, I’m worth more that being in pain everyday. I deserve better and someday I hope to find that person, I thought he was that one, I seriously did, but he won’t get help and I can’t make him do it. Thanks for being here to listen and help.

  187. Going in Circles April 26, 2009 at 9:24 am #


    “he insists that he is fine, that his love for me has changed and is not the same. Idk, I really believe he is bipolar, but maybe he really doesn’t love me anymore.”

    …I heard the exact same thing more than once…and it’s bullcrap, it isn’t that his love changed rather its that his love for you scares him…and most likely he KNOWS that there is something wrong, he is in denial…bipolar is a definate possibility, especially since he turns things around and makes them about him…to tell you that you “broke his trust” and it was “unforgiveable” that you were going through such a deep depression is completely opposite of how a person should react, he should have been supportive and instead he no doubt made it worse for you…

    I am glad that you have decided to move on for your own good…I have been in a situation similar to you for years now…and it has taken me years to get to the point I am now…if he comes home this time, great…if he doesn’t, fine…I will get by and life goes on either way…one thing changed for me, I still want and love him but I don’t need him anymore, not to be happy, not to survive, and not to be whole…your attitude is great, stick with it…you might be surprised, that might be the push it takes for him to sincerely get help, and it might not, but either way you’re going to make it.

  188. Going in Circles April 26, 2009 at 9:45 am #


    I have no doubt yours is bipolar, or Borderline Personality, maybe both…

    It’s been 3 months though, and I hate to say it Sugar, but you need to quit waiting for him to come to his senses…he might, but he might not…and let me tell you something, they KNOW when we are just waiting with that proverbial candle in the window…and it feeds their ego…don’t think for a minute that he hates you because he doesn’t…he is dwelling in a wierd fantasy world at the moment…maybe at some future point he might come around, but let me ask you a few things, not to answer me, but to ask yourself, because these thoughts really helped me as I mulled them through…

    1-With the way he has treated you, and what you now know of his cruelty scale, do you really believe that you can trust him to not shatter your poor little heart again?

    2-Are you able, willing, and ready to handle repeat episodes of this IF he does come back to you?

    3-Are you willing to spend half of your life with him basking in the light, and the other half curling up in pain in the darkness? Because life with an unmedicated or wrongly medicated bipolar is a half life.

    4-He cheated on you, threw you out, took the side of a woman he barely knew over you, called the cops on you, threatened you, and devastated you…don’t you think that you deserve better than that?

    5-You have known this man for 8 months and he has already wrecked your world…it won’t change when you have known him for 8 years should he come back…do you love YOURSELF enough to deal with his mood swings, psychotic behavior, and repeating rejection for years? Because if he comes back, he WILL do this again and again, no doubt in my mind that he will. Are you strong enough to handle repeated rejection.

    and 6-Do those 5 great months make up for the way he has treated you these last 3 months?

    I don’t mean to sound harsh but I KNOW what you are going through right now and it sucks…but you have survived for 3 months now and guess what? You’re still kicking…and dark places are just not groovy places to live…start swimming for the light, Sugar, because it will warm your soul…do whatever you have to do to get out of that dark place…take nature walks, many bubble baths, rent 2 or 3 good comedies sit down and watch them and laugh, start reading(look up Romeo Is Bleeding on the web, its a good series, it helped me and I think it might help you), go out with friends…do whatever you have to to pull yourself out of that dark place…

    Be assured on this, he would rather you sit in a dark place pining away for him, than for you to get up, get out, get moving, and move on…so don’t you let him keep you in the dark anymore…because I can guarantee you one thing, IF he comes back, it won’t be while you’re sitting there hoping and wishing he’ll come rescue you from the dark…beepers don’t do the rescuing they prefer to be rescued themselves…he will never come back as long as you are miserable because as long as you are he has won and he still owns you…if he comes back it will be when you least expect it, when you are happy, smiling, and enjoying your life WITHOUT him…it will be when you don’t need him to be happy, when you have regained your strength and sense of purpose in life and realized that you deserve to be treated alot better…that’s when he might come around…

    Trust me, after years in an on again off again relationship with a beeper I know that, I have seen it time and again in my own relationship…and they never ever ever come back while you are sad and mopey and waiting for them too…so get up get out and get moving….it will either bring him back or show you that life without him can also be good…and either way, you win.

    Good luck!

  189. josie April 30, 2009 at 12:17 am #

    Dear Going In Circles,

    Thank you for your kind reply. Especially thank you for taking the time to explain your thoughts to me.
    You are truly wonderful. I need to hear this. I need to heal and to move on with my life. I have been stuck on a fantasy of who I believed this man to be, from how he appeared to be for four months, and then to having my world shattered by the way he suddenly changed. Perhaps I didn’t see the real him or perhaps he was just in a mood swing. I drove by his place tonight and there was a car in his driveway. Probably a new lover who has replaced me. I guess bipolar people do move from lover to lover. I am honestly OK with it now. The pain has subsided. I think I will be OK. It has been the most painful, traumatic thing in my life, but I think I will be OK. That’s the good part. I will survive this. Partly it’s because of kind, wonderful people like you, who have helped me to deal with this situation, by being there for me, and by listening and actually replying to me. Even though I have never met you in person, you have been so helpful to me. You have no idea. My family wasn’t even there for me. That’s why I had to go on line. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And may God bless you! You are truly an angel!
    I thought I set him off by giving back his gold chain, but if he really loved me, he would have tried to get me back. The fact that he hasn’t even tried to contact me in three months shows that he couldn’t care less what happens to me. He truly doesn’t love me. So, I have to take care of myself. I have learned, once again, that I need to nurture and love myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I guess that’s the truth for all of us. It was just a nice dream, a nice fairy tale, to believe that someone else could love me. I have given that up now. I am back to my own wisdom. Thank you. Please know that if you ever need me, I am there for you.

  190. Going in Circles May 1, 2009 at 3:52 pm #

    I’m glad you found my post inspiring, and I’m TICKLED pink that you are moving on…you have no idea right now how huge a favor or how much pain he actually saved you by dropping out of your life…

    But there is one line in your post that I must take a moment to address…

    “It was just a nice dream, a nice fairy tale, to believe that someone else could love me. I have given that up now. I am back to my own wisdom.”

    BULLCHIT!!!…Love isn’t a nice dream, it IS real…don’t you give up on it because of ONE very sick man…don’t let him scar you so badly that you give up on a beautiful experience because if you do then he has won, his illness has won, and you are the one who’ll suffer the most…not him…

    In the future it’s ok to proceed with caution, but don’t be so cautious that you let something real walk past you because the pain of this situation frightened you…you will heal…it takes time…but you’ll heal and find that there is a life beyond him…

    Think of this, if you experienced all that wonder with someone that sick, imagine how much better it will be with someone who isn’t 🙂

    Take care!!!

  191. Guy May 14, 2009 at 5:02 am #


    I first met my girlfriend round about two years ago, we never dated then but kept in touch over long distance. I knew she was troubled. a wild child, free spirited, naughty girl from the most beautiful part of South Africa. I knew she hated to be alone and wouldnt be faithful to her partner.

    In december something magical happened and we fell in love. It was perfect we spent so much time together and couldnt be apart, she flew up to see me. we spent time together, she rushed back home in a plane, 3 days later I was with her for the road trip for her to share a life with me. This is February (2 months after we fell in love). Too fast, now its reality, like a marriage. Everything she romantisized was now reality.

    I wasnt the wiser to warn her to spend time with her family and loved ones for a while. Be sure you know what you are going to leave behind. I believe now she has realised what she has given up.

    I knew about the mood swings, but February it started, she became less responsive. More secluded, she basically came into routine of just watching TV at night. She doesnt say nice things about me, she doesnt even look at me. But she loves me. She says so and she cries so often. She is only turning 23, 6 years my junior.

    So she decided something wasnt well and to go see a psychologist. The diagnosis of bi polar II was not a surprise.
    She is beautiful, artistic, creative and a social butterfly but has a dark side. A mean side where she isolates herself and hurts the people she loves. Pushing away the things that should be held close.

    I try to be understanding, have done things as pathetic as question her love for me. She dreams of travel and helping children in Africa, a wellfare addict…The responsibility and routine that accompanies any relationship is frightening her.

    If she rejects my advances, am I supposed to leave her to her devices. Let her continue down this spiral and not do anything about it. I take care of her medication and therapy and I think that is taking away her independance and increasing a sense of guilt that she owes me something. How can I be sure, obivously I just want the affection from her that I have shown her.

    She has been on epilum for around 6 weeks now, she is hurting so badly and I would do anything for her….If anyone has any advice or can share something similar that they have experienced in their lives I would more than just appreciate it.

  192. Saddened May 18, 2009 at 10:36 am #

    Hello everyone! I also have found this site amazing and reading had made me realize I am not alone..

    Here is my story.. about a year and a half ago I met woman so beatiful and full of energy.. She has a 4 year old daughter and the father was not in the picture.. She had never married.. Anyway she is not 28 and am 31.. I loved being with her and her daughter.. We had our ups and downs, but for the most part things were great. I was doing what I had always wanted to do, be a father. The little always called me Daddy and I had never felt so good. I couldn’t believe I was finally happy. I mean really happy.. I am a very deep person and when I love someone I love then with all I am. Well as time moved on about say 6 months into the relationship she started mentioning marriage. So much so that she even offered to pay for the ring and I could pay her back if I didnt have the money.. Well as I said we had our ups and downs with aboher bipolar, but being with her and the little one made me more happy than I had ever been so I her with the disease and knew that its not her fault. She didnt ask for it, such as I did not ask for my diabeties so why would I have any right to hold it against her or judge her for it.. I knew she loved me as I loved her.. So I asked her to marry me. I bought the ring with my own money lol.. She got down on her kneess where I was and hugged me and said I do, I do, I do.. I teared I was so happy.. Then soon after we had an engagement party and my family and hers cheered to our life together.. I was the happiest man in the world..

    Then things started to change.. She started to become more irritable.. Wanted to spend hours apon hours just watching tv and shutting me and her daughter out.. Now this was nothing new, but it was getting more consistent.. Now we had been living in my house for about a year though all this so far.. Anyway she started picking fights and I would just go for a walk regardless if it was a snow storm, a hurricane or whatnot.. I just needed to get away.. I felt so bad for the little one because she was always subjected to seeing this side of her Mom and being on the receiving end of it.. I can take it, but a 5 year old cant.. Well about a month after the engagement party her taxes were coming in and she planned all the things she wanted to do to the house. She always called it our money.. I never really felt comfortable hearing that, because Im the type of man to not count his chickens until they have hatched.. So a week before the taxes came in she picked a fight, we argued and she decided she was going to move into her sisters house which is an hour away from here or her work.. She said she couldnt do this anymore and that she wasnt happy.. She felt this was for the best.. So I was just left here alone in my house with no one.. No little girl running around, no Nick JR playing in the background.. No more tucking the little one in to bed at night and listening to her say Im the best Daddy in the world.. No more hearing my spouse say that I was the best thing in the world to happen to her and her daugter and she thanks God everyday for meeting me.. She just left…. All I was left with was a broken heart and memories.. I couldnt get out of bed, I would break down and cry at work and have to leave.. I loved them so so much.. Well this happend about months ago.. She was going out, wearing slutty outfilts and leaving the little one wherever she could so she could go out and dance with her friends.. Well I found out aswell that she was seeing someone else so I called her about it when I heard of it and she confessed she was just talking to him. Now this guy is completely opposite from me.. Skinny, tattos on his face, gangsta, ect, ect. While Im a bodybuilder.. Anway I waited about a week since I called her and told her I needed to talk with her.. She met with me.. I brought her 5 silk roses.. We talked and she told me she did nothing sexual with the guy and just ate pizza with him and watched a movie.. I guess they made out too.. She promised on her daugher that they didnt sleep together.. So she started calling me again and showering me with gifts and taking me out.. So we started going out again I was helping her find a new place for herself which is what she wanted.. She gave my number to her potential landlord and said I was her old landlord. When he called I gave her a rave review.. Anyway I helped her move in and things were great again.. She was staying at my place, I was staying at hers.. Then I got a brain hemorage.. A blood vessel had burst in the back of my head and I had to be flown to another hospital via helicoptor.. Once there I was on life support, Got double pneumionia and had respitory failure.. I never told her this because I didnt want her to feel guilty, but the doctor said it was from extreme stress.. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks.. Then after that out of work for 6.. When I got out I was staying at her place alot,, helping her clean up when she was at work, getting dinner ready so when she came home she had less to do instead of getting into a horrible mood.. I would do whatever it took regardless if I should be in bed or not.. She started taking Cymbalta that her councelor had prescribed.. So she started to change for the better a little, but not that much.. She would still threaten her daughter with punching her in the face if she didnt listen when she was in a mood and completely shut me out as usual.. Now Im supposed to be on bed rest and I completely disregarding myself and focused on her.. Wondering what I can do to make her happy, what I say to fix it.. Always feeling as though I did something wrong.. I just wanted the girl I fell in love with to come back down to earth.. It was hell.. When I say hell I mean it.. She never called me names, but had a way of making me feel like shit. If I cooked she wouldnt eat it.. If we were at my house and I went food shopping, she didnt like anything in the fridge and would rather have Boston market or something.. So me being me would run out of the house and by a $28.00 meal at Boston Market when I had a fridge full of food.. Preying all the time that this or that would make things better.. All the time.. Well lately we have both wanted to have a baby together so the little one who is now 6 can have a brother or sister.. Ive always wanted to have a child of my own.. She wanted it to.. We would buy pregnancy tests and she would cry because she was not prenant.. This happend last wednesday.. She then told me she cant wait to have me growing inside her, that im the most wonderful man in the world the best father any woman in the world could ask for.. Then next day we got into a stupid pointless fight about her watching tv so I walkted home. Its about two miles from my house but many hills are involved.. I had to carry all of my work clothes that I needed for the next day at work home with me in a garbage bags.. Anway I left because she told me to leave so I did.. When I got home I felt guilty as usual and grabbed my entire Friends series collention put it in another bag and asked my brother to give me a ride back to her place.. This was about 3 hours later around 900pm and it was pouring out.. When I got there she wasnt happy to see me at all.. I told her I was sorry and shouldnt have said anything and that I just wanted to do something together as a family instead of it being me and the little one doing something again without mumma.. She didnt say a word, had her wall up as usual.. Then I noticed she didnt have her engagement ring on.. I then saw it on the nightstand.. I went over to it and asked her if this was how she felt.. She said she didnt know.. She needed sometime alone, she needed space.. So I gathered my now 3 bags of things and walked back home in the pouring rain.. I talked with her on the phone yesterday and she said this is for the best (us not being together) and that she is sorry for everything.. I then asked how is it for the best? She stated that she hasnt been happy and wants to be on her own.. She texted after the conversation and told me that again she was sorry and that she needed to grab her work outfit from my house and would call me. Well me being an idiot I was out so I bought her, her favorite movie that her sister lost on her when she let her borrow it.. I folded all of her things and put then neatly in bags. I then laid the movie on top of the bags. I then went for about an 8 mile walk.. I needed to clear my head.. I walked so far I ended up having a diabetic low blood sugar reaction and was too far away to walk home.. I was so distraugh when I left for the walk I forgot to bring a candy bar just incase.. Well I had my cousin pick me up and then waited for her to call. She never did.. I havent spoken to her since… I love her and the little one so so much, I feel like im dying inside.. I just want her to realize if she needs space to just have it, but not shut me out.. Now its over again and the little girl that I have raised is gone with her. Poor little thing must be so confused.. I never held her Bipolar against her, I embrassed her and didnt everything I could to try to make things balanced.. I took the day off from work because Im to uncentered right now to deal with work.. I feel like Im losing my mind and this is not good for the condition I was just in the hospital for.. But I dont care about me.. I care about us.. I care about them.. I dont know what to do.. She wants nothing to do with me.. I just feel so broken and weak..

    • josie May 18, 2009 at 3:13 pm #

      Dear Saddened,

      Please take care of yourself. I know your pain. I have just begun to emerge out of mine. It has been since January 1st when my bipolar boyfriend left me. It has been the most traumatic experience of my life, so I feel your hurt. I can tell by your words, it’s so similar to my experience of grief. It’s like you’ve been thrown off a horse, into an uncaring, unforgiving universe. You sound like a wonderful person. You deserve someone wonderful like you to appreciate you and love you. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It will take some time to get over the grief, but I suggest going to see a therapist to handle your feelings; surround yourself with good family and friends; forgive her for her illness: it is her illness which makes her so unstable; if possible, try to date other people. You need to validate yourself. You tried to do everything humanly possible. She is the one with the problem. I hope this helps. I know it’s hard. I am still not over mine either, but I am a bit stronger now. I had to take time off work and my graduate studies. I was suicidal. These people are not worth losing our lives and minds over. They seem to move on: illness or not. It is us who are left reeling with pain. Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, worthy human being. I wish you all the best life has to offer.
      God Bless You.

  193. Saddened May 18, 2009 at 5:53 pm #

    Josie thank you so much for your reply! I am so happy to recieve such a quick repsonse on a site such as this.. I did see a therapist today because I was down and figured why not right? When I discussed how I felt to the therapist and what I had been though and what I am going through now, see told me that I need to love myself.. I replied back to her that I do love myself or atleast I thought I did.. She told me that if I did love myself I would not have taken her abuse.. She asked me if I was tired of constantly thinking of her and what mood she was in and what she needed and leaving no thoughts for myself or my well being.. I told her yes, but I do miss her and what it entails to have her and the little one in my life. She told me that I need to think of and take care of myself.. I do not blame her for any of this.. I know her heart, I know what she is made of.. She herself told me that she doesnt know what is going on with her right now.. This all just sucks because I just want a normal life with her or at least a life where she knows no matter what her family is her foundation and that when she needs her space to just let me know and take it.. Not just drop everything…. Regardless all of her stuff is still here and when she comes to get them I will not break down.. Even if she apologizes and wants me back which is a far stretch from reality, I will tell her that I am tired of her abuse and I just dont know if I have it in me to go on with this so called relationship… I havent thought of myself in so long and forget what its like to just worry about me… She still hasnt changed her myspace either which shocks me.. The little one putting cake on my face on her sixth birthday is still her default pic.. All of the pics of us of a family are still on her profile and she has been logging in because I see her updates on my page.. Very confusing indeed.. Again thank you Josie!

  194. Richard May 20, 2009 at 5:18 am #

    and there was me thinking i was all alone.

    my name is Richard.
    married but seperated to lisa and we have 3 children.
    2 are from her previous marriage and 1 from our marriage.

    so many of you have expressed what i am going through.
    lisa has bipolar and has had this for about 12 years,

    i love her to bits, i care for her soo much and just want her to be happy

    we have had some very rough stages
    in the mania side we have been through bankruptcy, been and still are heavily into debt.
    sleeping around.
    dissapearing for days on end.
    have been called oh so many names, some of which are not even in the dictionary lol.

    then there is the depression side
    6 phone calls on seperate occasions to tell me that lisa has taken an overdose, but she is ok (which is good)
    followed by a spell in hospital.
    daily visits to see her, days out then the slow road to stability

    followed by what i guess can only be described as a period of normality.

    the problem i have come across is that with each manic episode lisa seems to become more destructive (this is the only word i can think of that describes it best).
    she will get rid of anybody who suggests that anything is wrong.
    in the past this has included my parents, her mother, her sister and my brother.
    she will also surround her self with people that have a hateful view of life and men who will fuel her manic views.

    the trouble is once everything has been destroyed, the realisation kicks in and then she goes into a depressive slide 😦

    i am very concerned for her at the moment
    she is at the top of a manic episode as we speak.
    this time she has forced me out, made it impossible to stay as she has been telling all her friends that i have been beating her, also told her friends that i have been hitting the kids.
    our eldest who is 18 has been forced to move out because she dared question her and now this weekend gone my lad who has just turned 16 and still at school has been kicked out and is staying over my mums house (sadly there is no room for him here )
    again the debts have piled up to about 12 grand, thats before the house gets reposessed
    and i am just so worried for her as the pressure is piling up and there is no body around to help her or be there for her 😦

    i still love her,
    my heart belongs to her
    but am scared that we have reached the point of no return

    thank you for listening

  195. sharon May 20, 2009 at 4:37 pm #

    In Ocober last year, i met a wanderful man. He was still residing in the home of his previous 18 year relationship, (never married) his partner still living there too, both totally not speaking but both awaiting the sale of the house in order to move on. I thought at the time this was strange, however I soon discovered that he had another severed relationship, with his mom and he always maintained that both his X and mother where mad! I soon realised something wasn’t right when he appeared to flip on a coin and completely disappear after about a month of seeing each other. He came back asking me what went wrong? i was very hurt. Needless to say we got back together and for the following five months he rang/text me everyday several times, although we saw alot of each other. Then their came elaborate plans of him offering to buy his x out, which she declined saying she wanted more money and to force the sale of the house. Then talk of marraige to me , oh and that he had never been loved by a woman like this before and i’d grown on him and that i was his total therapy etc, etc. He constantly lived and relived his x relationship. So i didn’t quite believe that i was the real deal for him, so when very subtly challenged, i recieved a load of text messages, one was even of a polish girl stating he was going to sleep with her and that it was all my fault…needless to say i hve not heard from in a month. I believe that none of us come exempt in life from any disease/illness and would stick by anyone, but there is a big BUT in this case…he knows he is bipolar, but does not want anyone else to know…it is very sad. What i can’t quite work out is this…how can they just dismiss someone they claim to love? please help.

  196. Nich May 20, 2009 at 8:32 pm #

    I too was involved with a guy that pushed me away after an 8 month relationship, he was never diagnosed, but I believe he has borderline personality disorder. Said he fell out of love with me. And he too made me alot of promises, that I was his true love, that we would be married, that there was no one else for him, etc. And most of the things he had said to me 2 days before he broke it off with me. I became suicidal…I still have days where I don’t want to go on. The most important thing I did for myself and I recommend it for everyone who is involved with a mentally ill partner, go to therapy. No matter what, just go! Also, try to find support groups in your area, I go to Codependent Anon meetings once a week. This man, this guy, reduced my life to nothing. I could think of nothing but ending it all…he has moved on to another victim now, claiming he loves her after only knowing her on messenger for a week. I can just pray that she doesn’t go through what I did. Move on, I know how hard it is, how lonely it is…but the pain and hurt, it’s just not worth it. You will find someone who is better for you, you just have to believe that. Get your mind off of it, take up a new hobby, write in a journal. I found writing him a letter and letting out all my anger helps, and then I tear it up and throw it away. I will never understand why he pushed me away, b/c he did it to me more than once, maybe it is better if I don’t know why. I have had to basically not talk to him at all even though he says he “needs” me to be his best friend. I can’t do it, b/c it sends me down into another spiral. He doesn’t care about the pain I am in b/c he is too self-centered. What kind of man calls his ex at 5:30 in the morning to tell you he is in love with someone else, when he knows I was suicidal? I hope all of you on here know that all the pain and hurt, its not worth it…no matter how much you love your partner, they can only help themselves. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it, just remember that.

  197. sharon May 21, 2009 at 2:57 pm #

    Thank you for your reply, It helps to know that I am certainly not the only person to be at the dismissal of a bipolar person. I do believe though I was getting close to the core and he referred to me as too “analytical” amongst some spiteful comments. I notice he has some longstanding friends and quite a tight circle of friends and he introduced me to them and his daughters, business partners, sister all those that matter to him. I know a chemistry existed between us and the attraction was strong, so was the love. So where is he now? Do they ever come Back? I am really struggling with understanding that bit…can anyone help? please. His closing text stated he wasn’t playing games and that I didn’t save him and to delete his number and never contact him again. He wouldn’t respond anyway. I did ring his office though and spoke to his business partner who reassurred me that he was okay and that his brain gets in a jumble over his X. Bastard i’d say…but i can’t stop thinking about him.

  198. Saddened May 21, 2009 at 8:20 pm #

    OK well I think I am gonna change my name from Saddened to ENRAGED!!! I am so so so mad and disgusted its not even funny.. Well Last time I was on here I left the discussion at everything being very confusing.. Well it got worse lol.. So I hacked into her new Facefook that she just set up with the help of an old friend.. This friend of hers was an X from way back and had just gotten out of prison a couple of months ago. Well he started calling her when I was in the hospital and they talked as friends as she put it anyway.. Well one time he called when we were at my house and she did nothing but talk about us as a couple and how happy she was and he said was looking forward to meeting me and hanging out with us.. I truly believed he was just an old friend.. Now I know she has never chearted on me, because she wasnted to be constantly together weather it was me dropping her off to work and picking her up or anyting… Well soon after that her phone was shut off due to lack of payment.. I would have paid it but I already had to pay off her $400 phone bill on my account so I was stuck with that.. Well the friday after we had the fight in my above post she called him and he wasnt home.. Well he hit her up on myspace and gave her his new number since she called his house phone number.. Well when I got into the facebook site I found that today she was calling him honey bun and he was calling her darlin. They said they both had a great time last night with everyone and how she had not been that drunk for a long time and how she got home at 230am in the morning and then go to work, but would do it again.. Then he hit her back saying you know you would do it again!, we had a blast.. Then she said she wanted to give her honeybun a massage this coming saturday night… Now I have his phone number and she lives down the street.. Granted we are not togther anymore since Friday, but this is a little bit soon dont ya think? I mean I went out for the first time in a long time this weekend and I was offer some pretty nice sexual favors from some hot females, but I wasn’t interested because all I could think about was her… WOW I AM SO MAD AND ENRAGED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Please help me with good advice quickly!! I feel like Im going crazy.. How can this be the same girl????????

  199. Nich May 21, 2009 at 10:26 pm #


    Ok, well…I think ppl who have bipolar or different types of mental problems tend to move on to other partners VERY quickly. AND they are usually have an addiction to sex. My ex claims he has found his “true love” and has only known her online for a week or so, they haven’t even met irl yet! They move on quickly and disregard any kind of feelings towards their exes and are very, very self-centered. Read my posts from above, you might find them helpful. My first post was back on April 18th. Be strong and take deep breathes…

  200. Lost May 22, 2009 at 2:16 pm #

    the problem I have about getting into another relationship is that, you don’t always know that someone is bipolar until maybe days, months, years into the relationship, and
    by this time you are so involved. and to go thru and get use to another person and have this happen again,I wouldn’t be able to take it. so to protect myself and who I am, I put a wall up.

  201. josie May 22, 2009 at 2:38 pm #

    Dear Lost,

    You just expressed exactly how I am feeling today.

    I emailed my ex boyfriend (who I believe is bipolar/took lithium etc.) just two days ago to say that I miss him and I
    love him. Do you know what he answered me as well as swear words he said: “What part of go away don’t you understand, you are old, ugly Italian looking woman. You dress like an old Italian woman and you act one. You are an obsequious, fawning pain in the ass.” He wrapped it up with a swear word.
    I have a wall up around me too. I don’t like myself after this experience. I don’t like men any more. I don’t trust anyone.
    It’s neat that all the people on this forum have reacted in much the same way emotionally. Because these people’s rude behaviour is so outrageous, so non human, it affects the victims of itin much the same way, I guess.

    These people are the proverbial “big bad wolf” lurking in the forest. First they sweet talk you into a relationship, then bang they destroy you emotionally.

    What has helped me so much is that I replied to his email with everything I felt, all the anger and pain he had caused me. I know he doesn’t care, but at least I got it off my chest. I strangely feel as if I am somehow vindicated, as if I have my own power back. For months I was crushed. I think I am on my way to healing and acceptance.

    Please believe. There have to be nicer people out there.
    Look at all the wonderful people on this forum. Keep the faith.

  202. Lost May 22, 2009 at 4:13 pm #

    whats is funny that i read is that, say that a person whom is bipolar and the spouse that isn’t. If they would go into therapy, sometimes it takes awhile for the therapist to find out who is and who isn’t bipolar, because biploar at times have away of projecting the symptoms on to the non-bipolar, that it makes it quite difficult for the therapist. this is how I feel right now. I feel that I am spiraling from living so long with the abuse.

  203. Going in Circles May 22, 2009 at 10:07 pm #

    I read through a few posts here from lately…I see most that have posted have been in the relationships for a year or less…

    After almost a decade with an undiagnosed either bipolar or I more strongly suspect borderline personality disorder I can assure you that it doesn’t get better with time…

    I lived with mine for several years…we had a home together…raising kids together…then one day he meets a woman at a party and falls madly in love with her and out of love with me…suddenly overnight his feelings for me changed and he moved out of our house and into the house of the woman he had known for less than a month…that was over 3 months ago…they still live together…he did come back here briefly and then went right back to her after she forgave him…so basically within a couple of months of moving in with the new love of his life he was “cheating” on her with me…back and forth…and with him thats how it always is…from me to another woman to an ex to me to another it never stops…he gets in this wierd mode in which he decides that he must have a change, and he must “give me up” as if I am something bad for him that he must deprive himself of…and when he does this it is like a different person completely…he acts like a wounded martyr…every time he comes around…and speaks of the hurt we are both dealing with…I point out “Why would you hurt when you got your way?”….

    It just doesn’t end…because when he is this other person, there is no getting thru to him…and he has no qualms about hurting me, using me, mistreating me…it’s almost like he punishes me for loving him so much…he as even asked me “How could possibly love me after all the horrible things that I do to you all the time? I don’t deserve it…how can you love someone as bad as me?”…and I think sometimes thats what they do…they rip us apart to rip themselves apart…to show us how horrible they are so that we won’t love them anymore and they will get that punishment they feel they deserve…but when the day comes that we don’t want them around then the half sane part of them comes back or wakes up and they are scrambling to fix things…only to mess them up again….

    It has been called a roller coaster and there isn’t a better term for it I think…because thats what it is…constantly up and down until you get tired enough to just get off the ride.

  204. Richard May 23, 2009 at 5:04 am #

    hello going in circles.

    i was with my wife for about 14 years, have you found that as time goes by the behaviour seems to get worse. i.e. they find the boundaries and push them that little bit further each time.
    also what i have noticed is that she finds a new circle of friends that don’t seem to have the best outlook on life, so they tend to feed her and reinforce her vindictive feelings which in turn get stronger
    thats what i have found in my relationship.
    this time (she is going through a manic episode at the moment) it has got really viscious here, she has told everybody that i beat her and the kids 😦
    and the crazy thing is we still go back for more,
    maybe there is something wrong with me for going back lol

    i hope it gets better for you
    just try and be strong its all we can do

  205. Lost May 23, 2009 at 7:52 am #

    the worst thing is that they alienate people from you so that you can’t go to them for help, for example, their family, friends and co-workers

  206. sharon May 25, 2009 at 4:50 am #

    Well it has been a month since I heard from my X. I had a text early hours 3.00am, thanking me for giving him so much in the short time we were together! (6 months) i only loved him…but he had previously said that I loved him like no other. Well a couple of text revealed that his house had been sold and that he had to find another by the end of July. He asked me if I was still in employment and that when he has settled in his house that we should go for a meal and drink. I said this would be nice. This all sounded okay, what do ye say…..? He actually phoned me to explain his daughter had been ill in and out of hospital….brief call, but i was suprised as the textin would usually go on for ever. Do I go out for that meal and drink….?

  207. Saddened June 1, 2009 at 6:26 pm #

    Last time I talked with her she told me that she was confused for the last 3 months when we were trying to have a baby and wanted to be alone.. I then told her how I felt with no concern of how she would take it for the first time in awhile and we havent talked or texted in 3 weeks… I am talking to someone else now.. Lets see what life will bring me now :).. I do have to say though that I miss her and the little one every day of my life.. I truly loved them

  208. Saddened June 5, 2009 at 5:10 pm #

    Well time has moved on for me a couple of days and well im still terribly depressed.. I miss her so much.. All she has been doing is going clubbing and getting drunk. I havent talked with her in three weeks, but she did text me yesterday asking if we could arrange to meet up so she can grab the little ones bike.. She asked me to text her today.. Im not going to though.. Im not gonna just be at her beckon call.. If she hits me up today Ill tell her Ill get in contact with her tomorow. I mean there is no reason why she needs to see me. She knows I can simply leave the back gate unlocked and leave the bike there for her.. SO many things running through my mind.. Its killing me and it sucks because its a battle I have to fight along…. As I said above I am talking to someone else to try to take my mind off of things, plus she is a wonderful person.. BUT I just cant get my mind off of her and the little one.. It hurts so so bad.. I feel like im going crazy! I just cant seem to shake this.. Someone please read some of the stuff I have written and give me some advice.. I just feel like throwing up a white flag and saying I give up….

  209. Going in Circles No More June 6, 2009 at 10:11 am #


    Yes, they do get worse with time. Each boundarie set is like a hurdle to be overcome for them it seems.

    You might notice my name change…that’s because I am finally off of my rollercoaster. Mine left me to move in with woman he slept with at a party. He just knew she was “the one”. They have been together almost 6 months now and he is already cheating on her. That’s what really opened my eyes. It doesn’t matter who he is in a relationship with, he is what he is, and he will continue to behave like a horny adolescent as long as he can get away with it. So yes, it has gotten better for me 🙂

    Sharon-don’t go. It’s pulling you back into his world, he is with another woman why even bother to go out with you? He is playing games with both of you, and believe me a bp is the master of head games.

    Saddened-it’s not you, it’s her, it’s the bipolar. She behaves that way because she is manic. But its still her choice to behave that way. Do yourself a favor. Go to the gym. Get a new hobby. Go out clubbing and have a damned good time. Heck, throw darts at her picture(yes I know you love her, but it will make you feel better because even within love there can be anger and thats ok)…in other words do something positive for YOU and quit making all of your focus be on her. She is absorbing you. I know, because I was there. Just a few months ago I was there. Get up, get out, go live, and quit walllowing in your own sadness…because it will eat you up if you let it. You are strong enough to have made it this far, ergo you are strong enough to get up and dust yourself off again and survive.

    Good luck to you all.

  210. sharon June 6, 2009 at 5:57 pm #

    Thank you so much for your reply. I just cant get over the cheek of this man. He text and phones in the middle of the night to say he will be in touch in July when he has sold his house, sorted himself out and not feeling so stressed. He will take m for a drink and a meal to thankyou for being so good to him. (he was actually very good to me) Does he think I’m going to waite this long, if at all. The other side of me says that i should because he can’t help the way he behaves.

  211. Saddened June 6, 2009 at 8:22 pm #

    Thanks alot Richard!

  212. So Tired of This June 6, 2009 at 11:33 pm #

    I have read several of your comments here and I just sit back and wonder what I did to make God hate me so much.

    I was divorced for 10 years and very happy. I had started my own business, moved to a “new” town ( I used to live there years ago) and was doing great. I met this guy online, later found out the way I met him (story for another time) was full of lies and deceit. I forgave him, and the many many other lies he told me. I know that this is all my fault but he was VERY GOOD at making me feel like I was the one that caused him to lie.

    After 4 months of dating he ask me to marry him, we dated 8 more months and married exactly a year later.

    Well the story goes that he was demoted the ultimately fired for sexual harassment. But again lied about that. I offered that he become a partner in my business and help me. He chose to sit at home and play on the internet EVERY DAY…. Looking for what he called “Female Friends”. I voiced my opinion how I felt that was unappropriate and he just called me jealous.

    Anyway…. 20 months later I have left a very verbally and physically abusive relationship. He wants EVERYTHING, including my car. He thinks that I just deserve my clothes because he says that I abandoned him since he had no job. He is calling me every name in the book and more. I just feel so used and abused. I honestly feel that I just want to die.

  213. Going in Circles No More June 9, 2009 at 8:38 am #

    God doesn’t hate you Tired…a friend of mine told me something very wise…God doesn’t put evil into our lives…we do that to ourselves, but He does give us the tools we need to remove it from our lives…we have to keep our eyes open for those tools when they come along.

    It’s not “all your fault”…the only thing you are guilty of is being trusting and perhaps a little gullible…see, a “normal” person is not equipped to deal with the mental mind games that a person with bp and bpd(borderline personality disorder)will dish out…they are often manipulative, controlling, demeaning, and abusive. They are masters at laying the blame elsewhere…and they have an uncanny ability to zero in on their “victims” weaknesses and exploit them for their own gain…and that is exactly what he did…

    Step back woman and look at that man…really look at him: He is a liar, a cheat, a manipulater, and abuser, and a general all around dawg and HE has the audacity to want one single thing that YOU worked so hard to get? And he is trying to use guilt ie your own kind heart against you…do not put up with his crap for one minute longer. Cut the ties period. It’s your car keep it. If he has ever physically harmed you immediately put a pfa against him(protective order)so that he cannot come near you. Change your phone number. If he calls you at your place of business hang up on him and then record the time and date he called. Find a lawyer and sue him for harrassment if need be. He is a coward and a bully. If you are in fear for your safety go to a womens shelter.

    And you say you feel that you just want to die? Think about that statement…you feel you want to die over him? Over some worthless scumbag that has done nothing but wreak havoc on your life? I mean really, is he worth that? Would you really want to give him that much control? I know it’s rough, but at some point you will look back on this as simply a horrible experience from which you learned some valuable lessons about human nature, and you don’t see it now but you are already better off. You have set a wheel in motion here to a better life for yourself. That will lead to good things for you. Good luck.

  214. Polly June 19, 2009 at 7:23 pm #

    Been a while since i been on here. Things have got bad again. She keeps saying i dont care but i cant go back to feeling worthless again althoguh i already do. I have to be strong i cant let her walk all over me again but when i stand up to her she twists everything. Even writing on here i feel like im going round in circles because ive said it all before. Youve heard it all before. i dont know how to keep doing this. Im lieing to my friends because i want them to like her. Im lieing about how im really feeling to protect them from my misery. Shes so cold to me. Even when she calm it jsut doesnt feel teh same. I cant ever have a problem or concern. im on my own with everything.

  215. Polly June 19, 2009 at 7:28 pm #

    I just dont know what to do anymore. i cant stop cryign but then im crying in silence so no one will hear me. This what i will have to do forever if this goes on because she cant be there for me or even try to understand what she puts me through. I dont wanna punish her i just want her to learn or try from the bad and hurtful things. I pretty much begged her to show some sort of remorse for making me feel the way she did but she just couldnt cos she wasnt there. I just dont know what to do. This i guess. I just wanna be happy and i want her to be happy but reality is i just dont think thats ever gonna happen cos i cant see any signs of her fighting for me. She thinks she does but its not enough for me. I dont believe she wants to understand.

  216. Polly June 19, 2009 at 7:29 pm #

    Please someone help me ;-(