What’s dumber than a box of rocks?

31 Aug

That would be me.

Not only are my drugs making me fat and exhausted, but they’re making me stupid.

I spent an hour yesterday struggling to do some data analysis without sounding like a slug. What I wrote sounded kick ass, but it took an hour to write 3 paragraphs. And I ended up with a splitting headache. As I have been a lot lately. My head has been pounding like someone is doing a jig in there while Vivian yatters on incessantly.

Why is the trade off for even a little relief from bipolar zombification? These drugs aren’t even doing enough for me-the rage is barely suppressed and the depression-still there. I’m tired constantly, and I’m being driven even more nuts by the aphasia that keeps occurring. I sound, frankly, like a moron.

I have a month to go until my appointment, and I’m sure it will be a very long month. Anticonvulsants shouldn’t take months to come into effect-weeks maybe, if that. So if she changes the drugs, I’m back at step one. Again.

I want recovery. But I want my brain back too.

3 Responses to “What’s dumber than a box of rocks?”

  1. marcelarhodus August 31, 2007 at 9:27 am #

    I’ll be praying for you to find the right combination for you..
    I know it’s not the same, but it took me close to 2 years to find the perfect mix for my asthma. I sure pray that it’ll be much less time for you to find the right combination.
    and no, you’re not dumb, just tired and stressed.

  2. misspudding September 1, 2007 at 5:04 pm #

    I, too, am hoping for the right combo for you.

    However, I was on anticonvulsants for several years and it takes a good three to six months for the “duh” effect to go away. It’s just that your nervous system is being held down (for good) and your body slowly has to get used to that. It’s hard. It does get better.

    Good luck.

  3. Gabriel... September 1, 2007 at 10:19 pm #

    You are such a freaking goofball. Who told you the effects of anticonvulsants “shouldn’t take months to come into effect”? It takes weeks to get the pills to their proper levels in your body, it takes months to start noticing the effects. And who told you changing medications is like going back to “step one”? There’s a really good chance you’ll change medications and doses a half dozen times in the next year. I’ve been going for three years and I just changed dosages upwards on the welbutrin four weeks ago, and my doctor wants me to try the Lamotragine instead of the Lithium. And the depressions don’t stop weeks into treatment, so stop trying to create a failure where there’s really only positives, I’m sure because writers block, headaches and even the rage attacks were there before you started taking the pills. People, everywhere, in treatment are going through exactly what you’re going through. Getting sober sucks pretty bad, quitting smoking sucks pretty bad, stopping a series of destructive behaviours you’ve been suffering through for ten, twenty, thirty years sucks pretty hard as well. Keeping track of your day-to-day moods will be invaluable for your doctor, so there’s something tangible for them to look at rather than only your feelings from the few days previous. For the first six months of my treatment I was barely able to function… of course misspudding managed to say all of this in seven lines. Negative thinking is part of the problem. I found a University Paper which talks about negative thinking and depression being a learned behaviour. Basically people who suffer from clinical or manic depression are stuck in a loop…

    “Depressed people became that way because they learned to be helpless. Depressed people learned that whatever they did, is futile. During the course of their lives, depressed people apparently learned that they have no control.”

    Anyway. It’s Saturday night and my date canceled so I’m here with my keyboard and my Diet Pepsi so I’m thinking about writing thousand word responses on friends blogs. I also just found this from Bipolar Connect dot com:

    5. Mania is like being on top of the world—if you could only put it in a bottle and sell it.

    You wouldn’t want to with most manias. True, some forms of mild mania are characterized by feelings of elation, but other types have road rage features built in. More severe mania turns up the heat, resulting in different kinds of out-of-control behavior that can ruin your career, relationships and reputation.

    7. Medications are all you need to combat bipolar disorder.

    False. While medications are the foundation of treatment for bipolar disorder, recovery is problematic without a good lifestyle regimen (diet, exercise and sleep), effective coping skills and a support network. People with bipolar disorder also benefit from various forms of talking therapy and religious/spiritual practice.

    8. Medications don’t work for me.

    For some people this may be true, but we all need to give our meds a chance. Treatment guidelines anticipate initial failures, and while no two guidelines are in agreement they are all based on the premise that eventually you will find a medication or combination of medications that will help you.

    9. Lower quality of life and sluggish cognition are fair trade-offs for reducing mood symptoms.

    False, big time. In the initial phase of treatment, meds overkill may be justified to bring your illness under control. But full recovery is based on improving your overall health and ability to function, not just eliminating mood symptoms. Over time, the side effects of medication tend to go away, so patience is advised. You may choose to live with minor side effects such as mild hand tremors. But if major side effects persist, you should work with your psychiatrist in adjusting doses or switching to different meds. The onus is on you to alert your psychiatrist to major side effects and to insist he or she take appropriate action.

    10. Once you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you can forget about leading a normal life.

    False. Living with bipolar disorder is a challenge, and you may have to change your expectations, but you should never give up on living a rewarding and productive life.

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