I am not alone

8 Aug

I spent some time last night speaking with an old friend. I needed the reassurance of someone who knows me, of talking to someone I don’t have to explain every single nuance to.

She’s my oldest friend, and one of the only ones I’ve held on to.

She talked about her gradual conversion to Judaism, and her difficult but satisfying adherence to scripture and law. She spoke of observing Shabbat, of how at first she grew weary and annoyed at the restraints placed on her. But then she noticed something. She began to examine her own feelings towards others, began pondering what was of value to her. And meaning came clear for her on a silent Saturday afternoon, and showed her that Shabbat, for her, was meant to tell her what she needs. She needs people, people to surround her, to be with her and near her, to hear her and support her.

This week, despite the horrendous gaping hole I’ve dug in my own heart, despite my confusion and fear and pain, all of you have been there. You have commented, emailed, even called-reached out to say “hey, I’m here and I’m your friend.”

I cannot begin to express how incredibly safe and warm you have all made me feel.

In the past little while, I have actively pushed away everything in my life. I have kept clear of commitment, closeness, any type of friendship, all the while crowing that I don’t need people! people suck! PTTTTP!

I’m a liar.

I need people. I need the reinforcement of someone saying “No, you ARE a good person.” so I don’t start thinking I’m a shitty person, and acting accordingly. I need someone to laugh with. I need someone to cry with. I need someone to just BE with.

I’m not alone. For once, the scared lonely little girl has stood up, dusted herself off and looked around. She’s nodded and said “I’m not supposed to be here anymore.” She’s leaving. That child I’ve been carrying, that scarred, unsure, stuck little girl, she’s finally decided she wants to leave.

I’m not alone. And I never really was.

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13 Responses to “I am not alone”

  1. Lala August 8, 2008 at 12:56 pm #

    people DO suck and lots of them will continue to do so. I found out recently that over 250 people sucked all at once when not a one bothered to tell me my husband was having an affair. My problem? I guess so but I’ve pulled away much like you have. Anyway, my shit is irrelevant but my point was that there are some of us who, in one moment when you needed us, did not suck. I, personally, will endeavour to have more of those moments. And I really like commas.

  2. Missy August 8, 2008 at 1:19 pm #

    Awwww, yer making me feel all warm and fuzzy. Beautiful.

    No, you’re not alone.

  3. Marcy August 8, 2008 at 3:23 pm #

    You go, little girl!

  4. Jen August 8, 2008 at 3:50 pm #

    It makes me feel good to read this. You are definitely not alone.

  5. sweetsalty kate August 8, 2008 at 4:22 pm #

    YAY! This is triumphant. I know there’s a long way to go for all of you, but it has to feel good even fresh out of the gates, yes?

  6. Charlotte August 8, 2008 at 4:41 pm #

    SOOOO glad you don’t feel alone. I can feel a melting going on, as if you are letting people in, Thordora, and that is so wonderful.

  7. misspudding August 8, 2008 at 5:47 pm #

    Yes!!!

  8. cj August 8, 2008 at 5:56 pm #

    Of course you need people. You’re human.

  9. Border Explorer August 8, 2008 at 6:02 pm #

    A story of inner strength and resiliance! I send thanks and my love and prayers of support.

  10. flutter August 8, 2008 at 6:12 pm #

    You really aren’t alone.

  11. Eden August 8, 2008 at 10:23 pm #

    People do suck. Just not you, me or anyone else who reads here. But people in general? Oh yeah. They suck donkey dick. That’s just a fact, babe. 😉

  12. March August 8, 2008 at 11:32 pm #

    you are indeed never alone…

    I know I carry you in my thoughts and heart and send you all the good vibes I am able… and I learn so much from you that you make me be a better person.

    sending you big hugs

  13. little p June 9, 2009 at 1:09 am #

    I agree with you. we all need people it is inate. But the problem is that hardly anyone can be straight and real. That is the only kind of people that I want to be around. I am tired of the people that just have to be socioly correct despite how they really feel or who they really are.
    Are there any of you out there that can be real and straight?

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