A good friend tells me that I need to focus on becoming the person I want to be, because that is who I really am.
I just want to be a better person, for me, for my kids, for the people who love me. Because they really do deserve more. I deserve more. If I’m a better person, I’ll be better to those around me, I’ll be happier and more at peace and then maybe someday, I’ll just be.
She reminded me though that we are used to carrying a list of things we don’t want to be around with us, and yet we never write that list of what we DO want to be. Which stopped me into realizing that I’ve never had that list. I’ve never held dreams for myself, be it in terms of how I relate to others, or what I want to be.
I want that list. And today, I start one.
Who I want to be.
- I want to be kind. I want to save kittens and make cookies for work and remember your birthday. I want to pull my head out of my ass and see you (Hi!) hear you, truly listen to what you say.
- I want to be a present mind. When you talk, I want to know what you say. I want to think of how it impacts you, now. Not me later. I want to sit in the moment with my children, instead of out pondering the laundry and work.
- I want to learn! I’ve already pushed myself on this one, reading more history and science, trying to expose myself to new things. But I want to learn a language, write an essay, do something with it. My brain atrophies, and wants more.
- I want a dream. And I have one. Midwifery, eventually, but nursing for now if I can find a way to get through school while working. I want to help people-have always wanted to. Having children showed me how pivotal one woman (or man) can be. I want to be her.
- I want to be soft. I have become far too hard, calloused, cynical. I haven’t always been like this. Everything else aside, I’ve been dreamy and distracted and careful of others, considerate, strong but gentle. I want to be her again. It hurts to think of how hard I’ve become, and how that impacts people around me.
- I want friends. Real friends. I don’t want a lot, but I need to start trusting that people don’t always have it in for me. I need to learn to tolerate the foibles of others. I need to trust myself that I won’t hurt other people, something that has likely helped me push them away in the first place.
- I want to deserve love. Thus far, I don’t believe that I have. I want to be worthy of it. I want to become a fuller person who is settled in her shoes, and happy for love. Not ungrateful and expectant.
Regardless of anything else, I’ve realized that who I am is not someone I’d like. And that just depresses the crap out of me. But I don’t want to be depressed. Medicated, I’m not so at the mercy of my moods, but I am at the mercy of using my disease as a crutch. It’s time for that to stop, and for me to stand up, be accountable, and realize that to a degree, I DO control what I feel and say. It’s time to say good things, to be good things. More than anything else, I deserve that much. I deserve to think I’m worth that much. The people around me deserve a better class of me.
Do you know who you want to be? Can you let me know how that’s worked for you, either on email or comment? I’m a little nervous, and scratching my head wondering how I’ll work all of this out.