“I CANT HANDLE LIFE ANYMORE”

15 Feb

You searched for this and it makes me want to cry in that little girl, please move the mountain it’s just too big kind of way.

I have been there. I have stared into the mouth of that dragon, pills on the left of me, knives on my right. I have faced that beast and stared him down, but became weaker each and every time. I have felt the utter emptiness of life, the echoing horrifying void of a world you don’t fit into, and don’t particularly like. The sweet whispers of that little voice that say “go ahead. No one will miss you.”

Life is hard. Life is full of pain. Heartache. Terror. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 things that terrify me in life that have nearly caused me to off myself in the past. My self loathing would be the biggest. I hated myself for a very long time. I can’t forgive myself for the events in my past, even those I had no control over. I couldn’t handle what I had become. Only a tenuous loyalty to those who loved me kept me here. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting them. My only true suicide attempt was a failure-the old joke right? I suck even at killing myself?

The truth is, I always wanted a reason to live-but I also wanted the pain to stop. The pain of living overrode every other sensation in my life. I could stare at the most fantastic images the world could throw at me and still be apathetic and uncaring. The efforts of others to cheer me were futile.

Life is something you need to handle-in all seriousness, would you want a life with no barriers, no pain, nothing to offset the normal? The sweetness of my daughters is all the more apparent on the days when they are not so sweet, and I want to coat them in butter and leave them in the backyard for the raccoons. Life is not fair-because there is no one around stacking the deck-it’s just you bub, and it’s what you make of it.

I don’t believe in gods, so I won’t be telling you that a higher power wants you here, is testing you, is punishing you, etc, etc. What I do believe in is YOU. And me. Think of all the books, all the words and thoughts you haven’t read. The songs you haven’t sung. The paintings your eyes haven’t bathed in. Think of the people who might change your life you haven’t met. The places you haven’t seen. The food you haven’t tasted.

You create the world around you-you create the life you live. If you’re sick-get help. I did. The world is a vastly different place today than it was Feb 15 2007. I have hope-hope! for the first time in my life. I am happy, and at peace with my life. I’m going to start painting again-I’m reading, I’m writing and having wonderful conversations with people I love my family and I wake up most mornings excited to see what will happen.

I feel excited for the first time in years.

I want this for you-all of you who feel that the pain is too much and that the front of that bus that just went by looks awfully attractive. I want you to stop at the end of your driveway and marvel at the sunsets, every night. I want you to run your fingers through the hair of your children, your nieces, your pets. I want you to find your path through this world minus the hurt and the tears and the helplessness. I want you to find the beauty you hold inside of you.

I want you to be free of that dragon on your back.

There is no secret code aside from your will and your patience. And time. I’m still not perfect. I still have the odd grey day, the skittish thought that slams through my head yelling “justkillyourselfalready!!!!” and disappears. Life without these thoughts is odd-they’ve been my companion for so long…it’s like living in a house that’s full of smoke, and one day that smoke is gone and you realize the walls were cream, not white.

You can do it. You will see the walls too.

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11 Responses to ““I CANT HANDLE LIFE ANYMORE””

  1. Exactscience February 16, 2008 at 6:12 am #

    My friend and I had a saying. In my mind an unread book, In my heart an unsung song.

    I have never wanted to die – I know that I like me, I just wanted to kill the disease that made me feel the horrible way I did – felt like the only way the disease went was if I went.

    On the days I manage to beat the disease into submission I am glad, wonderfully glad that I didn’t die, that I can read those unread books and sing those unsung songs.

  2. bipolarlawyercook February 16, 2008 at 1:08 pm #

    Beautiful, hopeful. True.

  3. Mrs. Chicken February 16, 2008 at 5:33 pm #

    The next person will find this, and it will make a difference.

  4. bipolarbear February 16, 2008 at 6:25 pm #

    This is wonderful, and gives me hope on those days where there is none.

    My cats have kept me alive in my darkest hour.

  5. ms_teacher February 16, 2008 at 11:52 pm #

    This is beautiful. my daughter, who is 19, was diagnosed a few weeks ago as being bipolar II after a recent failed suicide attempt. My daughter, beautiful, creative, kind-hearted, but so prone to depths of depression that were painful to watch and I’m sure for her, even more painful to endure.

    My goal as long as she is still living at home is to give her a hug every day. I hope that when she does reach those moments of despair that she will know in heart that she would be missed if she was no longer here.

  6. thordora February 17, 2008 at 11:58 am #

    Just keep telling her. It will sustain her.

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

  7. mike golch February 17, 2008 at 2:38 pm #

    I true thank you for this posting! I hope thay oy donot mind I I copy and print it for future needs.Mike
    P.S. Bipolarlawyercook had this highlighted on her blog and I just had to come and check it out.God Blees you for posting this.Mike

  8. bromac February 19, 2008 at 11:08 am #

    Well done, thor. Beautiful

  9. thordora February 19, 2008 at 12:39 pm #

    Thank you bromac.

  10. micah November 9, 2010 at 1:06 am #

    Really great writing. Its nice to not be so alone when it comes to the god awful shit in the world and the ever nagging cloud of depression. Terrible struggle though. Damn, it can suck..

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Testimonials On Living With Manic Depression « …salted lithium. - April 7, 2010

    […] Can’t Handle Life Anymore’; Feb. 15, 2008 “Life is hard. Life is full of pain. Heartache. Terror. Off […]

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