a thousand miles until..

8 Aug
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Frank Herbert, Dune, Litany Against Fear

When I am afraid, fearful, unsure, I say this to myself in my head, over and over. As I laboured and birthed Rosalyn, these words kept me strong and whole. My own little way of reminding myself that the only way out is through.

Everyone needs a mantra. I woke up from a dream this morning reciting this, a dream in which I believe my mother manifested herself. And I was sad-so sad, feeling her lingering grasp on my wrist dissipate, her arms leave me, the scent of her hair wandering away. We had sat eating pastries in a cafeteria, and she left me to teach a class of boy who didn’t want to be taught.

I lost her again. In dreams even I lose her. But she is young, and healthy, mostly. I can still see the black cancer underneath her skin, her eyes, even in dreams. A demon that haunts her. She wore white, and had someone else’s hair.

I miss her-I wake up from dreams like this one craving her touch-I touch I cannot firmly remember, craving a voice I wouldn’t know if I heard. I crave her wisdom and her wrongness, her judgements and her cattiness. I crave Mother. And you can’t fill that hole, not with anything in the world.

As always, she spoke, and I remember nothing. We spoke. And I woke up fearful and reciting a litany against fear, the fear that I won’t escape her arms, that 30 will bring the death I’ve feared for over 10 years. That she’s a harbinger. I don’t fear death, but I don’t want to die! For years this date has loomed heavy. I fear it. Does she bring life or death?

Or nothing?

To those of you who never remember your dreams, I salute you. I could do without.

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3 Responses to “a thousand miles until..”

  1. daisybones August 8, 2007 at 1:01 pm #

    That’s a wonderful, powerful quote to keep in your heart. (Dune rules, too.)

    I have such disturbing dreams about my mom, too. I know the horrible sick surrealism that comes on waking. They ruin my day. I’ll be thinking of you extra today. *hug*

  2. marcelarhodus August 8, 2007 at 7:10 pm #

    I lost my mother a year and half ago, and we were very close, and I miss her so much more than I could ever say… your post just touched me to the core as you are writing with words that reflect so much of what I feel…
    you are such a talented writer and a brave strong woman.

  3. Heather (AmeriMama) August 12, 2007 at 12:26 pm #

    That’s my mantra, too. I have it memorized and posted in several different places in the house and at the office and in the car. Some days, it’s the only thing that keeps me doing what I need to do.

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