Just when you think you’re out from under it

7 Aug

Your meds screw something else up. Currently, we’re experiencing libido incognito. Nothing. Nada. Zip. No urge even. And it’s incredibly frustrating.

There’s nothing like having no libido while feeling like a whale to really make a girl feel special.

And I’m sick of not feeling special. I’m sick of wanting a little bit of special in my life. I’m sick of settling. I’m sick of not being able to find the phone number for the shrink who I only have an appointment for a month and a HALF from now. That long! I can’t live like this. They think that since they saw me in a hypo manic state that I’m ok? It doesn’t last people! Hence the “mixed states, rapid cycling” problem we all know and love.

I feel so alone, like I don’t want to be touched as an adult. I cannot stand this. If my only choice to be “normal” is to have everything that is me stripped away, then I don’t want it. Ever. I would rather be dead, because this sure as hell ain’t living.

10 Responses to “Just when you think you’re out from under it”

  1. Bromac August 7, 2007 at 8:14 am #

    I bet your family would rather have you sans libido than not at all.

    Incidentally, I am having the same problem. I thought it was the lamictal but my dr dropped down my lexapro not long ago and my libido shot out the roof. It was fantastic. Oh, but then I got seriously depressed and almost stepped out of a moving vehicle. She had to up my lexapro and now I am sexless again. Oh, and my husband has lost over 50lbs and HIS libido is even more voracious. It sucks.

    I just heard a commercial the other day for an OTC women’s libido medicine. I am planning to find out more about it and when I do I’ll let you know about it, ok. Hang in there!

  2. thordora August 7, 2007 at 8:22 am #

    Man, if you try it let me know. If I wasn’t in a relationship, I wouldn’t care, but this is NOT COOL when you are.

    And way to go husband! 50ilbs!

  3. Marcy August 7, 2007 at 10:01 am #

    Ugh. You ARE still in there. Covered up, hidden, by the meds’ effects, but still there. Hang on. And I hope this new shrink is helpful.

  4. karrie August 7, 2007 at 11:46 am #

    Is it wrong that I’m still laughing at the phrase libido incognito? 😀

    Is sex ok once you’re actually doing it?

  5. Bon August 7, 2007 at 11:53 am #

    i hear how angry this makes you. i’ve lived big chunks of my life with little to no libido – hormone imbalance, apparently, not that anyone ever thought it important until i wanted to get pregnant – and it bites. it really does limit that sense of “who i am” and it also short-circuits one of the major healthy, healing connections in a relationship. plus, yeh, the alone thing. like a little girl hiding.

    but it doesn’t mean you’re not still in there, like Marcy said. and it doesn’t mean you have to stay there.

    the anger, to me, sounds like your way of saying “this is unacceptable”. and it is. but so is being dead, friend…i gather it kinda seems like the only choice that’s totally in your control, and i can see the appeal of that since so much else is unfairly out of your control. but it still doesn’t make it a better choice, sadly. just sayin’…sucky as it all is, and unfair as this all is…

  6. thordora August 7, 2007 at 11:54 am #

    I just want to stamp my feet over and over and over again.

    It’s a good thing I don’t believe in reincarnation, or i’d be wondering what the FUCK I did in my past life to deserve all this little shit.

    And karrie, any attempts lately have not been anything worth writing home about, because my body basically shrugs and goes on it’s merry way.

  7. Missy August 7, 2007 at 12:16 pm #

    Man, Thor, I just want to fix you. Just this urge I get whenever you’re bumming. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is sympathise and say, yeah, you’re fucked. But I also get this antsy feeling like there’s something I should be doing–like reaching in and tweaking your brain.
    Keep writing, okay? Just keep writing.

  8. bine August 7, 2007 at 2:08 pm #

    i feel like missy. miserable not being able to do anything for you.
    the pill – any pill i ever tried – did that to my libido, some less, some worse. and then there’s this pressure you feel even with the most understanding of boyfriends. one little “couldn’t we, you know, it’s been a while …” was enough to turn me off for another month. not good.
    i know this won’t help, but i think you’re very special. one of the most special persons i “know”. i just wish i could help you feel special, too.

  9. Ally August 7, 2007 at 3:11 pm #

    Sex? I vaguely remember it. We’re in a dry spell that’s lasted eons. We are just out of sync. Always. Always have been to some extent but with a kid, eh, forget about it.

    I was on a pill once that completely zapped my libido. It was awful. But so is having one and never having any outlet.

  10. jen August 7, 2007 at 6:49 pm #

    ah yes. the ever elusive and refusing to be synchronous libido. i hate that guy.

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