Trying, failing

26 Jan

I’m not feeling very well this week. It’s like I have mono or something-I can’t sleep enough, my brain doesn’t work, attempts at sounding intelligent and knowledgable at work tend to fail (in my eyes at least). I’m tired tired tired, worn out it seems. I don’t quite know why.

So that ends up filtering down to here. I want to talk about “stuff”, like the Dakota Fanning controversy, or Canada in Afghanistan, or the giant burn on my hand ala the stove, but I just can’t make myself do it. I don’t care enough this week. I’m just blaghpttp. sucky really.

My husband was reading this site the other night, and became upset with my entry talking about wanting to run away. Do men never feel that way? or are they less likely to verbalize it? I told him that writing it out made it less likely to happen, made it so I can relate to others who sometimes feel the same. I love my kids, but for a little while, remembering what life was like free in such a kick ass city as Toronto, it was rather depressing to come back here. (More because I hate this place than my kids)

But I thought alot about my friend too. How she’s alone a lot of the time. How I’m never alone. And how I don’t know if I could hack going back to that constant alone ever again. I wasn’t that envious of her. I enjoyed the break, but wanted to go home. Neither is better-they’re just different. I’ve accepted my life for what it is. I can’t do anything but that.

It’s taken me quite a long time to become accepting of my life. But part of that is being able to talk about the parts that aren’t so shiny happy, the parts that suck. I guess he doesn’t realize that this site functions as the place for the parts that suck.

Maybe he doesn’t know me as well as he should. I’ve been closed off for years and only now, as I become a little closer to normal do I feel the urge to share with him. How have I lived all these years blocked off and closed off, cold within myself? How could I feel nothing but numbness for this long? How could I be so scared?

He worries that some day I’ll just run off, never come home. And I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought about it, never stood at a highway off ramp and thought about hitchhiking away, far away, to somewhere warm and cheap.

But I’d keep walking, towards work, and the rest of my life. Because I like it here.

7 Responses to “Trying, failing”

  1. jkdufair January 26, 2007 at 12:34 pm #

    I used to think about leaving all the time with Anna. It was normal. I’m not sure it’s men that have trouble verbalizing it, I think it’s people in general. That’s what I really enjoy about reading your blog, Thor, is that it’s very candid. You send the editorial superego out for coffee while you write.

    I’m really glad things are going better for you. I’m sure The Dorf must see that. It’s my hope that he can see your writing as a flow of ideas and not necessarily an action plan.

  2. Caitlin January 26, 2007 at 7:00 pm #

    I’ve rewritten this a few times now, trying to get it to come out right and not so angry.

    My husband also worries about the running away thing. It just really hurts to have him say that so casually. Hearing it makes me feel like it was all my fault. I guess maybe it’s because he realizes that not making more of an effort to help isn’t fair to me, especially when I’ve had several bad days in a row and I’m really struggling and by all rights, I should want to leave.

    Ironically, it’s those moments that make me want to run away the most. I’m already having a bad day, and if you’re going to make me feel even worse about myself… it just pushes me over the edge into one of those vindictive moods. You know, the ones where you want say “Well fine! You want to persist in thinking I’m going to leave you… I’ll book a courier flight and I’ll be on my way to some country you’ve never even heard of by 6am tomorrow and you’ll never ever see me again, so THERE!”

    I won’t lie and say I never think about running away. It is very tempting some days, just like the idea of being frozen right before I die and then waking up totally cured some day in the far future is… but then I remember I won’t have the people I love with me… WTF was I thinking for wanting that?

  3. liprap January 26, 2007 at 7:45 pm #

    “I won’t lie and say I never think about running away. It is very tempting some days, just like the idea of being frozen right before I die and then waking up totally cured some day in the far future is… but then I remember I won’t have the people I love with me… WTF was I thinking for wanting that?”

    Ditto.

    I think it’s just a scary concept for those who love us that there are days when we want to chuck it all and just blow off everyone and everything in our lives. It’s scary for our parents, and it’s even scarier for our spouses and lovers, because in the end, what REALLY ties them to us and us to them? It’s not necessarily blood.

    What the thoroughly insecure folks don’t realize is that it isn’t necessarily blood – it’s something deeper than that. Many things, really. And, above all, it is the fact that any relationship takes work, coping with the surprises, and keeping lines of communication open.

    I’ve been feeling some blahs, myself. Plus, my throat is sore. Ugh. We all need to hang in there, I guess…

  4. Magdalena January 26, 2007 at 11:27 pm #

    I believe I think about running away each and every day around 7:00 pm or so.

  5. landismom January 26, 2007 at 11:57 pm #

    Shit yeah. My dh was freaking out a week or two ago, when I wrote about having a difficult time in our marriage, and how I’d flirted with the idea of leaving him. I sort of felt like, “hey honey, if I was gonna do it, you wouldn’t be reading about it on my blog.”

    And I know exactly what you mean about how writing about it makes it less likely to happen. I feel that way a lot–as long as I know I have the flexibility of leaving, it makes it easier to stay.

  6. thordora January 27, 2007 at 9:06 am #

    that’s just it-I want to OPTION to be there. Doesn’t mean I will leave.

    I pointed out to my husband that I never do things I don’t want to do. If I didn’t want to be here, I WOULD have left a long time ago. Despite those days when I want to hide under a rock (and today promises to be one-it’s freaking cold AGAIN) I love him and my kids, and at this point, have trouble imagining life without them.

    Of course, they NEVER read the good stuff like that now do they.

    And Mag, I have that moment in the mornings every day. Bedtime is easy here. It’s morning that I can’t stomach.

  7. venessa January 29, 2007 at 11:10 am #

    I really don’t think John ever feels like running away like I do. I don’t think he feels trapped by fatherhood the same way that I feel trapped by motherhood. And I definitly think he gets more benefits from our marriage than I do, not in terms of love but in terms of physical labor.

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