Celexa Redux

26 Jan

Some of you may remember that I jibbered and wavered about adding Celaxa to my treatment awhile back, and eventuallly decided it was for the best to at least try it. (Ok, so the visions of dancing razorblades was what really did it, but hey…)

I was worried about side effects, namely, sexual ones and weight gain. I’m not a teeny tiny girl, and I’ve struggled with my weight all my life, to the extent that one can struggle with something they don’t really give much thought to (I’d love to lose weight, but I’m lazy, along with other things). My thing with weight is, if it’s my fault fine. But don’t give me pills that might make it worse, and not enable me to lose it.

Part of the weight issue is tied in with being bipolar. That’s the part that I feel like I can’t control, and it’s frustrating. Add in some issues from childhood that I just connected recently (my distaste for exercise is linked directly to one of my abusers for instance) and that leaves me as a fat ass.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to beat all this. And I will. It’s just getting there that’s annoying. One of my friends always says “You have a million excuses lined up for why you don’t do something about it.” But they aren’t excuses. They’re reasons, and just like quitting smoking, when I’m ready, things will change for good. I know myself well enough for that.

Sex, in my relationship, is like glue. It’s the one thing that will always keep us together, and never fails us. I’m lucky to have a great partner who truly gives a shit about my needs and wants, and who is always into me. Having someone who can’t keep their hands off you when you feel fat helps on those bloated and fuck off days. I don’t like fucking around with our sex life. It’s the one constant in a life sometimes full of chaos. While my needs may change, the chemistry and passion between us never does. I’m lucky that way.

Thankfully, the Celexa hasn’t much affected sex. It’s made it a little more difficult to get the train around the mountain, but it’s like when you’re pregnant and having sex-everything is still there, it’s just…different. So it’s an adjustment more than anything. I’m used to having zero difficulties, so it’s been an experience. But I’m interested more, and I feel more “normal” during sex. I’m not kissy at all most of the time, again, due to circumstance. Lately I am. So that’s been cool.

Weight wise-it’s hard to say. My trip to NashVegas did NOT help. I ate VERY well, and drank a LOT. I know I gained a few pounds, and it’s just too freaking cold to get out and exercise. I contemplated a walk tonight, and then noticed it was -28C with the wind. So no. I feel bloated a lot, but not fatter. The bloated thing I don’t dig, but it might go hand in hand with the raging bumpukes I seem to get on this drug.

I feel better on it. I’m more even. I don’t cry at everything, in fact, I haven’t cried since the drug kicked in. I used to cry, on average, almost daily. I almost feel like I can’t quite feel the emotions, but I feel happy thoughts all the time.Is this what “normal” is like? Knowing something is crappy, but not feeling it in your heart down to your toes? Yet being able to shine with the love you hold for someone? Cause it’s weird. Not complaining-it’s just WEIRD.

I’ve read that some people adjust to the drug, and I hope that doesn’t happen. So far, I haven’t had any real issues, and I love that. I love just feeling like a normal human being, although it’s been hard to adjust to being able to, oh I don’t know, go out in public and not freak out.

You’d think I wouldn’t miss that. But oddly, I do. I guess it was my “thing” or something.

Ah well. Any Celexa questions or advice, feel free.

6 Responses to “Celexa Redux”

  1. Kimberly January 26, 2007 at 9:12 pm #

    No, it’s not what normal is like. It’s sort of like training wheels for normal. It’s close to normal, but it’s insulated. Enjoy that feeling of there couldn’t possibly be this much happy in the world, though. It’s a nice starting point when the last outpost you were at was the depths of despair. Things will even and you’ll be less protected from the crap, but the happy, when it comes, will be a softer, more contented, more satisfying happy.

  2. jkdufair January 27, 2007 at 10:10 am #

    To me, that’s a pretty good description of normal, actually. The bad is always there, but it doesn’t make you want to curl up and cry. And being able to remember the love you have for those you love. At least that’s how it feels to me when I’m not having an acute depressive episode.

    I’m really glad you’re doing better, Thor. Now don’t go and stop blogging or something silly like that!

  3. puddlejumper January 27, 2007 at 10:47 am #

    Do you know what? Just reading your post there I realised I’m not crying half as much as I used to. Don’t get me wrong I’m still having a bloody good cry now and again but mostly there has been a reason and its much much less frequent. Maybe the pills ARE working.

    I’m with you on the sex side of things too. It hasn’t affected my libido half as badly as say Prozac did in the past. And the getting round the mountain thing I’ve found has got easier (or maybe Mr P is just getting better?) 🙂

    Thanks for that. It has made my day.

  4. liprap January 27, 2007 at 12:15 pm #

    “I’m really glad you’re doing better, Thor. Now don’t go and stop blogging or something silly like that!”

    Ditto on that. Sounds like you’re doing better overall.

  5. monique March 22, 2007 at 2:33 pm #

    Ever since I started taking celexa I am like a totally different person. I don’t give a shit about the simple things, because I realize what I really have in life. I enjoy my relationships alot more and I am alot more laid back. I have more confidence because I like myself much more. I’m fun, I’m happy, and I feel so attractive because I am not a crazy, moody, and miserable person. I feel full of life and back to myself.

  6. thordora March 22, 2007 at 3:23 pm #

    I agree Monique-I do feel full of life. It’s great isn’t it!

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