Private Dancers?

28 Dec

The other day, while sitting watching X3 on my laptop since it wouldn’t work in our DVD player for whatever reason, I had google talk and MSN logged in. I didn’t think much of it.

Suddenly, Jason‘s “I’m online” thing popped up. (For those of you who don’t know, Google Talk will show when any Google users that you’ve emailed log into their email, regardless of using the talk. It’s kinda creepy actually) He has a picture of himself listed however you do, so it showed when the notifier popped up.

“Who’s that?” The Dorf asks, sounding pissy and suspicious already.

I remind him about the blog, and Jason’s circumstances, and everything else. He gives me that blank male look.

“You’ve never told me any of that”

Because apparently, I make up conversations in my sleep. I remind him that yes, I had mentioned it before, in particular the Island of Misfit Mothers plan, as I dithered over what to send for presents (and you’re getting scarves dude-one done, working on Alyssa’s now).

At this point, my back is up. I don’t need to justify my actions to anyone, least of all my husband. I’m not doing anything, aside from interacting with people I consider friends. I start blasting back at him, wondering why he needs to know every little thing about my life. I don’t talk about everything. I never have. I like to keep some things to myself, and others, he wouldn’t get regardless.

And I have talked about my friends in the computer before. He just doesn’t listen.

This started a huge fight about my right to privacy against his constant paranoia that I’m screwing around on him. (To which I usually laugh-I’m bipolar, overweight with two kids-who would want me anyway?)  We’ve had this conversation before, in varying ways. In the past I stopped going places with friends because he couldn’t handle his “worries”-I tend to have guy friends, and he couldn’t deal with it. This is a regular feature in our lives, and part of the reason I don’t mention things to him. He reads to much into it, and loses his mind, because he thinks I’ll leave him for something better.

Am I so wrong to get my hackles up so much? Hell, I didn’t tell him about this blog for months, and I think he only found out by accident. (He had a total shitbird then too). Is it wrong for me to want something to myself, or as someone who is married, should I expect to share everything?

I’m tired of this argument, and defending my relationships to him. I’ve never done a thing to make him doubt me, and I’m tired af askign him my he doesn’t trust me only to get no answer.

 Any thoughts?

22 Responses to “Private Dancers?”

  1. Nat December 28, 2006 at 11:18 am #

    You certainly didn’t do anything wrong. I would have reacted the same way. Husband or not, you’re not required to share every single conversation and thought with him. He should respect that you have private moments just like I’m sure he must have as well!

  2. Venessa December 28, 2006 at 11:32 am #

    I think every relationship is different. John and I tell each other everything. He reads my blog at his own risk, although I do try to be considerate.

    It’s funny that you mention this because we actually went through the same thing about Jason. He said, “Did you send something in the mail for $7.50?” He was ready to lodge a complaint with the bank. So I said, Remember my blogging friends and some of us decided to send Jason a gift etc etc? After much prompting he remembered and let it go.

    I don’t know why guys are so ridiculously jealous. I have three kids and no job and 30K in student loans. Yeah, guys are just lining up at the front door! Plus, he’d have to do something really fucking stupid to make joint custody/shared holidays/steparenting seem appealing to me.

    He’s also puzzled at the idea that you can be friends with people you meet online. OK, so it’s not the same as having RL friends. In some ways its better, and in some ways its worse. But I still think of them as relationships. And of course, every guy hears the story of the woman who meets a guy on MySpace and runs off to Mexico. Whatevah.

  3. Estella December 28, 2006 at 12:25 pm #

    I have this issue too, although I’m sure I deserve it, since I actually *have* been a serial cheater in the past. I’m interested to hear what everyone has to say. I love how Magdalena’s husband reads her blog. B has no interest in reading what I have to write unless it has incriminating information in it.

  4. Missy December 28, 2006 at 12:30 pm #

    Heh, heh, heh. No you’re not wrong. But men are like that. My husband is very jealous of the computer. Not enough to want to read anything I wrote, but there it is.
    Whenever I’m writing he gets that pissy, “what’s going on? who are you ‘talking’ to?” attitude. I just tell him I’m writing a novel. Then I ask if he wants to read it. That usually gets him to back off.

  5. ann adams December 28, 2006 at 12:35 pm #

    Once upon a time, that was a recurring battle in my life. I did not handle it gracefully I’m afraid.

    My theory? You either trust me or you don’t. No middle ground. If you don’t, I don’t need you in my life. On the other hand, I don’t have many secrets.

    That was not meant as advice – just as my attitude about what I consider crap. Opinion only.

    We joke about my standing weekly coffee date with a male friend. Of course we’re much older than you but I think Ray would have had the same attitude regardless. He trusts me and I trust him.

  6. thordora December 28, 2006 at 12:58 pm #

    My biggest issue is that much of this stems from ONE experience he had with a girlfriend at 15. He’s had more than enough time to get over that. I’ve never done anything to him to cause him to have this issue, and I’m rapidly approaching the point of “trust me or there’s the door” because I’m tired of it. I LIKE my privacy.

    And when I DO offer to tell him about stuff, he doesn’t care. Which REALLY pisses me off. I don’t enquire into his life online, so I don’t understand his pressing need.

  7. puddlejumper December 28, 2006 at 1:00 pm #

    Once upon a time I was a jealous person. My first husband screwed about behind my back and I never found out all of them till after I was divorced.

    I dislike lies and one of the things Mr P used to do when we first got together would be tell little white lies or lies of omission becuase I could go apeshit over very innocent things.

    After a while though we both realised this was making me worse. I needed him to be upfront if he was chatting to a female friend (from school or whatever, I really don’t think I have to worry about him cheating, for lots of reasons). It was only when I could see that he would maybe spend time with other women and STILL want to come back to me that I started to relax a bit.

    Your husband doesn’t have the right to know every detail of your life. Everyone is entitled to a bit of private space.

    But maybe he’s feeling insecure. You can help him with this by standing your ground over any male friendships but giving him loads of reassurance that you don’t want to leave.

    Saying that. You know how things are over at mine just now so maybe I’m not the person to be giving advice.


  8. Venessa December 28, 2006 at 1:02 pm #

    I do think men and women look at trust differently. Men often don’t see that jealously = not trusting their wives. They don’t trust the other men. I personally think this is two sides of the same coin. So what if you don’t trust other men? I do have self-control! But that’s just not how John looks at things, so I deal with it. I see this as his own insecurity (he must not think he’s an awesome husband if I would leave him at the first attempted seduction from another male), and we all have them in one form or another. As much as it annoys me, I think my feelings would be a little hurt if he didn’t so much as bat an eye at new random men in my life. Immature? Maybe, but that’s the truth. I may be a feminist but the whole beating-the-hairy-chest thing has its appeal too.

  9. Venessa December 28, 2006 at 1:04 pm #

    And I agree that everyone is entitled to a little privacy. And if he wants you to tell him stuff, he should actually listen. Otherwise, that’s a little bassackwards.

  10. Ginny December 28, 2006 at 1:21 pm #

    Your DH and mine must be related. I have been with my husband for 15 yrs and have kissed his ass about EVERYTHING in order not to make him jealous. I finally got to the point of, “YOU have problems…NOT ME…so either get over it or get going”. (This was prior to having kids). He has eased up on the random stupid comments about my past..(Hell, I married him when I was 29…and I was supposed to be a VIRGIN???) Like your Dh, Thordora, mine was cheated on before. BUT again, he’s had plenty of time to get over it and I have NEVER given him any reason to distrust me. ANYWAY, my Dh gets all bent out of shape about my online friends. It gets to where I just don’t get online when he’s around so I don’t have to hear his shit. When he does dish out some shit, I tell him that, whether he agrees or not, I am not doing anything wrong. If I were doing something wrong, we wouldn’t share a password. Maybe he would prefer I go out for a drink every week with my girlfriends. Men are jerks.

  11. Caitlin December 28, 2006 at 2:14 pm #

    You’re still entitled to your private time (and him not rooting around your computer). Being a wife and a mom doesn’t mean you can’t have male friends. While your husband might not be able to trust the other guys, he should trust you enough to back away from any situations that threaten your marriage.

    I went through the trust issues in my previous serious relationship and it made me realize I had to put my foot down. When my husband and I started seriously dating, I told him I didn’t mind him going out with friends, but he had to extend the same courtesy to me.

    If he was really bothered by one of my friends, I’d take it seriously. However, taking it seriously != never see that person again. Taking it seriously means trying to look at that relationship through my husband’s eyes and fixing what I can. If my husband did have a legitimate gripe (overly touchy/flirty friend) and that friend wouldn’t tone it down after I asked, I’d probably end the friendship.

    As for the not listening, my husband is really bad about that too. We’ll discuss something a few times over the week, and when I get ready to go do it, it’s like he’s hearing it for the first time. I’m still working on the solution for that :P.

  12. Eden December 28, 2006 at 3:16 pm #

    Sounds like a control thing to me. Not much you can do about that except tell him to loosen up.

    Every person needs something his/her own, especially when you’re a parent giving so much of yourself and not doing things for yourself.

    If you hadn’t wanted him to see, you’d have minimized the screen or something. Leaving it up, explaining who everyone is, etc. — that would tell me you have nothing to hide.

    Tell him if it weren’t for your online friends, you’d vent 100% at him.

  13. Heather December 28, 2006 at 3:22 pm #

    No advice, because I’m the irrational jealous one in my marriage.

    I’m worse if I feel DH isn’t spending enough time or paying enough attention to me. Not to defend irrational jealousy, but maybe he’s just feeling neglected (even if he’s not really BEING neglected – it’s “irrational” for a reason).

    Also, I have this waffley-goodness link for you (it’s even the canadian version)

  14. thordora December 28, 2006 at 3:28 pm #

    Eden-MY POINT EXACTLY! And I said that-if I was being this sooper secret bitch, I would have turned my msgrs OFF so he wouldn’t see them. I didn’t do that though.

    He doesn’t care if they’re girls, it’s when there “might” be a penis that be gets all freaking loopy.

    He’s very insecure, but after almost 9 years of marriage, there’s nothing I can do.

    And I doubt he feels neglected, considering he’s the one who sits watching as he “trades: music on soulseek for hours at a time.

    And EVIL wafflemakers. I WANTED ONE and I DIDN’T GET ONE! WAH WAH!

  15. Heather December 28, 2006 at 3:42 pm #

    Thor – then he’s still 15 somewhere in his brain, yeah.

    But it’s your right to go out and purchase any holiday gift under $30 that you really, really wanted and didn’t recieve…

    at least, I say it is!!

  16. liprap December 28, 2006 at 5:57 pm #

    Ohhh, boy. Haven’t come across this issue, really, except with an ex-boyfriend. When I was in college, there was one guy who was part of a group of people I hung out with, and it got back to my then-boyfriend that this guy was talking shit about me. My boyfriend did the right thing and asked me calmly about some of the crap that this guy was saying, and I told him straight out that most of it wasn’t true, and one thing was done before I even KNEW him. The shit-talker, turned out, had a thing for me and wanted to toss a wedge between me and my boyfriend. It didn’t work. And why poeple think that that kind of tactic is going to get them somewhere with the opposite sex is BEYOND me.

    Before your husband gets super-jealous of people who communicate with you through the Net, he needs to take some deep breaths and look in the mirror.

    But hey, that’s only my opinion…

  17. karriew December 29, 2006 at 8:40 am #

    Oh I hate that crap. Really.

    A few days ago James saw an e-mail in my outgoing and fucked up mail addressed to a *female* friend named Jaime. Jaime is having a rough run of things, so I wanted to send a quick note letting her know she was in my thoughts. It literally said all of “You’re in my thoughts. Hope things are bettert.” or something long those lines.

    Next morning as I stumble bleary-eyed to the coffee I get : “Are you having an affair?” @@

    I think James was also like “Who is this Jason dude commenting on your blog?” so I told him to go find out. I think he felt pretty dumb afterwards. Um, honey, it’s the internet. Anyone can leave a comment.

    To make it all even more funny, there is guy that I used to really, really like who IMs me often, and I make a point to let James know. I don’t have the energy, time or motivation to cheat. I’m simply not wired that way, and with a marriage, I’m even less inclined to do something stupid.

  18. karriew December 29, 2006 at 8:43 am #

    Oh and I bet Jason is enjoying being the target of all this cyber jealousy simply for existing.

    I had to explain who the Zero Boss was too once when I first linked t his site.
    Again, “Uh, some guy who writes interesting stuff on the internet.” @@

  19. thordora December 29, 2006 at 9:49 am #

    I don’t get it. I really don’t. I love my dude as much as I did when we first hooked up, and I tell him that all the time, as well as show him. I don’t know what else to do.

    The more I think about it, the more I think Missy had the right idea. “Writing a movel” does work…

  20. Missy December 29, 2006 at 12:53 pm #

    There you go.

  21. landismom December 31, 2006 at 7:58 pm #

    I totally know where you’re coming from with your dh. I’m very insistent on having private space, even if it is just inside my own head. It’s super-annoying when he wants to ask a bunch of questions about my blog, or my commenters.


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