My only friend is the voice in my head.

28 Dec

I’m a terrible friend.

Really, I am. I have exactly one person in my life who has lasted, who has put up with my shit for years and years, and she’s a saint for it. She’s insane, but she’s still a saint. Right Stace? 😛

I don’t generally make or keep friends because I’m lazy. Having chick friends is tons of work. You have to talk to them about crap you don’t care about. You need to do stuff. You need to make comments about large asses looking small, or about how he totally digs you, it’s just the wrong time, or some such crap. You need to invest time and energy.

Those are two things I don’t have, and don’t like to share. And people get upset. I don’t like crowds, I don’t like being out in public often. As Stace can attest, my social phobia has been so bad in the past that I would make her meet me outside of bars so I wouldn’t have to walk in alone. I’ve pissed Stace off by blowing off her parties because the idea of meeting new people terrified me, paralyzed me into staying home.

She sorta got it, but sorta didn’t. We didn’t talk for a few months once because of this. Thankfully, I finally sucked up my pride and apologized.

I have enough trouble keeping this one friend, less alone many. But there’s another reason I make a bad friend.

When I cycle, I go through phases where I really like someone, and want to be super duper nice to them. Then I swing, and I can’t fucking stand them. Everything they do annoys me to no end, and despite my knowing that I do, on some level like them, all I can think is bad thoughts, regardless of who they really are. The worst was the time I backhanded a friend. (Sorry about that Isabelle) I couldn’t explain it, she just irritated me so fucking much.

Everyone, at some point in my life, has done something to bother me. And it’s noted. In the back of my mind, i will always remember that one thing that so and so did that annoyed me so. And I will see it everytime I talk to them, or even think of them. The entire conversation will consist of me trying to not blurt out mean things about the person. (They’re usually true, but that doesn’t make it any nicer)

I’m mean, and nasty, and icky. I have mean nasty thoughts all the time. But at least with the bipolar, it’s beginning to make sense why I’ve always, on a basic level, hated people.

That’s the other reason why I cannot imagine why The Dorf thinks I’m screwing around on him. I could never find anyone I liked more than they irritated me.

8 Responses to “My only friend is the voice in my head.”

  1. karriew December 29, 2006 at 8:45 am #

    I am laughing my fat ass off at the fat asses part.

    At least you’re honest. 🙂

  2. Nat December 29, 2006 at 9:12 am #

    I don’t think you’re a bad friend. But that’s just me. 😉

  3. Kimberly December 29, 2006 at 11:44 am #

    It’s the cycling I think, hon. You’re not a bad friend. You’re a selective friend. It’s different. That whole “Too many friends to count” thing is bullshit.

    I get what you mean though. I have 3 RL friends. And 2 of them now live in BC. And I really just don’t feel like talking to the third right now. Not because I’ll say mean things or whatever, I’m just not interested.

    I like internet friends. It’s way easier. 🙂

  4. Jennifer December 30, 2006 at 6:26 pm #

    I have a hard time being a friend too. I have no other words for it.

  5. venessa December 31, 2006 at 1:54 pm #

    Having a lot of RL friends is overrated. It is a lot of work. The way I see it is this: having fewer friends means more time I can devote to each one and thus, truer friendships. I already have a husband (best friend) and three daughters, and only so much time to go around, kwim?

  6. katsplace December 31, 2006 at 3:37 pm #

    Shoot, you mean not having a lot of friends is something that should bother me?? (and it did in highschool). Now I have it figured out. Friends do take effort and energy – but they also give it if they honestly are friends. I finally figured out who they were and that it was ok that a lot of people who I am friendly with are really just acquaitenances.

    Friends also annoy you. My very best friend in the world and I didn’t talk for months once. Then she called on my birthday and we both realized that the love was more important than the annoyances.

    I also don’t have many inane conversations with my friends. You seriously need to haul your butt down for a MDO with Karrie and me.

  7. misspudding January 2, 2007 at 2:57 am #

    To tell you the truth, I don’t think it’s a bipolar thing. 😉

  8. thordora January 2, 2007 at 8:44 am #

    We ALL need to gather and get loaded. Mmmmm loaded…

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