There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

9 Nov

Life is, changing.

Many of you know, hiding in my hidey-hole, exactly what’s changing, and maybe we can come right out and whisper

(divorce)

in a small small voice so no one hears.

Terror? It comes in corners, scatters and clatters up against me, scoots up my leg and straight into my heart. To be responsible for me, well now, I’ll eat Mr. Noodle and wear out my shoes. To face a future where my kids are totally subject to me, in at least some capacity-flabbergasting. A future where running out of bread and money at the same time is possible again, but this time, with hungry little mouths.

Screw horror movies. This is what keeps me up at night.

And now, it’s reality.

******

Of course, we won’t be alone, desert island eating each other alone. Their father will be involved, likely only away from us a few blocks, ready and willing and able to take them according to plan, and sometimes likely not plan, when one of us is sick, or wants to take them for walks or dinner. We won’t be isolated and stuck, but it feels that way, the vision of life without another adult in the house, something to lean on, someone to protect you and tell you it will be ok.

I’ve never been that totally on my own, not ever. There’s always been someone in the background, just in case I fell. The anxiety rising in my chest oozes from that newness more than anything else. It makes me fear for my children-if they get sick, or grow too fast. All the variables I can think of-they scare me breathless.

This-the potential to be alone, absolutely alone, not stuck in a place we can’t leverage or change, but the only one on the couch watching Dexter or alone in the bathroom, cleaning the hair from my brush for the first time in years. This alone where you take a shower with the door open so you can hear what’s going on, and have to drag the kids with you when there’s an appointment.

Sure I could find someone else, someday. But they won’t know me the same way. It won’t be the comfort of 12 years. It won’t be easy again, not for awhile. The house will still echo, only bringing back my own voice and thoughts.

I’m equally terrified and thrilled at the prospect of starting again. I’m sad that it’s happening, I am. But there’s also a relief in the inevitable, the necessary starting. Staring across an abyss at someone you love, but more as a sibling, or a friend than a lover, and knowing you’re better apart? Sad, scary and yet so right. I can love him again this way, as the father of my daughters, as a friend making fun of me. As a lover-it was just too hard, too much, for more reasons than I can count.

It’s like an exhaled sigh really. A glance out a window, a coy smile at a bud in spring. Growth, and change and fear-they all hold hands while singing Bird on a Wire.

*****************

Like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.
Like a worm on a hook,
Like a knight from some old fashioned book
I have saved all my ribbons for thee.
If I, if I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by.
If I, if I have been untrue
it’s just that I thought a lover had to be some kind of liar too.

Like a baby, stillborn,
Like a beast with his horn
I have torn everyone who reached out for me.
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee.

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry no more. It’s over now, it’s over babe, don’t cry no more. I say don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry anymore. It’s over. It’s finished. It’s completed. It has been paid for.

Oh like a bird on the wire,
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.

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10 Responses to “There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

  1. kelly November 9, 2009 at 6:46 pm #

    I do not know what to say. Just that I’m here. I’m listening. I’m hoping for you.

  2. Missy November 9, 2009 at 7:54 pm #

    You’ll be all right.

  3. Marcy November 9, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    The possibility of divorce without rancor amazes me — I hope it comes true for you. And while I really seriously understand the fear, I am also confident that you guys are going to be okay.

  4. wn November 9, 2009 at 9:08 pm #

    you.are.incredible

    This post is equal parts brave and vulnerable… and I suspect everything that it should be, at this point, during this time in your life.

    Yes, this will be hard, but these words, this perspective, it seems SO right for you, for him, and for them. I too am confident that you WILL be ok…in fact, I think that in the long run, you will be MUCH more than ok, you will be great.

    My sources on the street tell me you don’t hug….but I’m sending you one anyway. Looking forward to hanging out in Mctn at some point soon.

    N

  5. magpie November 10, 2009 at 11:16 am #

    There’s hope in this post.

  6. Jennifer November 10, 2009 at 1:09 pm #

    I don’t know what to say. Just know that I’m listening. I’m here.

    If you want to come visit after the inlaws invade, get some time away, there is a place for you.

    Glen will be gone for 6 months….lots of time in there to get up to no good.

  7. maggie November 10, 2009 at 10:28 pm #

    This was a heartbreaking breathtakingly honest post. I was a single mom for years and my husband and I almost divorced- and lived apart for a year- so I know a little of what you feel.
    Hang in there. You will find so much depth and beauty. You already are.

  8. thordora November 10, 2009 at 11:09 pm #

    Thank you, all. It’s been a week, but I do have hope. And excitement, and terror and sadness. But I’m doing ok. Y’all help with that. 🙂

  9. Bromac November 11, 2009 at 12:00 pm #

    You’re very strong.

  10. Vicki November 12, 2009 at 10:58 am #

    I am in your shoes right now. If you need someone to talk to, just email me. I am here and all ears. Our situation is very similar. We can talk better and agree on things easier now that we aren’t living together. It’s almost surreal sometimes. We have the responisibility of ourselves and our children but not each other and that seems to be the burden that made it the hardest. Try to keep in amicable because you CAN make it easier on the children and each other if you can meet in the middle.

    I hope it becomes somewhat easier even though I know myself that is a long row to hoe…good luck and best wishes.

    🙂

    Vicki

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