It’s the rage that hurts the most.

16 Apr

I’m so pissy lately.

I think it’s the switch to Wellbutrin, but I don’t know. Everything is pissing me off-I have this barely controlled rage which makes me want to smack my children, which makes me want to run out the door away from them. I snap at the people around me, I feel that familar feeling building up in my chest, burning and bubbling like newt in a cauldron.

I can barely control it, just barely. My control hovers around my head, almost elusive. Somehow I hold on to it.

Yesterday, at the mall, I had my first experience with the entire food court staring at me as Rosalyn screamed blue murder since we wouldn’t let her go do what she wanted to do. I watched as all the heads turned, almost in unison, to stare at me with that “ooh look! Bad Mommy!” look. I wanted to crawl into my skin and beat Rosalyn within an inch of her life all at once.

It’s fleeting, but it’s scary in it’s forcefulness. Vivian starts whining, and all I want to do is smack her in the mouth. I can’t bear it, I cannot handle it.

I think I’ll ask my doctor to up the dose in a few weeks.

12 Responses to “It’s the rage that hurts the most.”

  1. Jennnifer April 16, 2007 at 9:14 am #

    I’m sorry Thor, I’ve had fleeting moments like that and I hated them, i can only imagine what its like to live with it day in and day out.

  2. HipMommy April 16, 2007 at 10:07 am #

    Sorry, big hugs for you.

    Like Jennifer, I too have those moments. I hate them, and hope your doctor can help you get them under control.

  3. thordora April 16, 2007 at 10:09 am #

    Anyone want a 2 year old? Anyone?

    vivian was NOT like this, so it’s taken us by surprise. She’s so willful. (not that I know where she got THAT from or anything)

    I’ve been surprised by how irritated and just plain want to cry mad she’s made me feel lately. She’s just doing what toddlers do. I’m just not handling it well.

  4. karrie April 16, 2007 at 10:09 am #

    That was me everyday before the Wellbutrin, but I did notice I felt a bit pissy this weekend. Hang in there!

  5. venessa April 16, 2007 at 10:27 am #

    (((((hugs))))))

  6. pluckymama April 16, 2007 at 10:47 am #

    I think every mom is one screw loose away from beating her children. Sorry you have to feel that way all the time. Do you get exercise? Perhaps that could get rid of some of the pent up aggression you’re feeling. I hate feeling that way, I used to all the time when I was younger, I didn’t have kids though. Getting someone to help teach you to deal with it probably would be really helpful at this point in time. Don’t feel guilty about wanting to smack them, I think every mom feels that way at points.

  7. Netter April 16, 2007 at 11:42 am #

    The rage is the killer symptom for me. Hubby suggests a call to the doctor when I start screaming about the most trivial things. I used to wonder how people could do those horrible things to children, but when the depression is bad, I don’t see him as a child, he’s just a thing pissing me off. In my rage, I just want to hurt him. Fortunately, when in remission, I see the loving person he is and can always find a way to deal with the whining and his being a kid.

  8. Marcy April 16, 2007 at 1:25 pm #

    My therapist told me that babies (children… people in general) are in fact sometimes annoying (gasp– seems obvious but it’s one of those things that needs saying). Not always intentionally — but intention doesn’t matter to your feelings, only to your reason. If something someone does makes you mad, it makes you mad, whether they intended it to or not. I hope you and I and all the others of us who get angry will learn how to manage the feelings and talk about them with our daughters (and sons, and whoever else).

  9. Mogo April 16, 2007 at 1:25 pm #

    if it’s any consolation, you weren’t the only one who wanted to put her through a wall when she pulled that shit at the mall yesterday…

  10. bromac April 16, 2007 at 2:45 pm #

    My daughter hasn’t YET gotten that reaction out of me. Though I think that is due to me transferring the rage towards another target. Child whines and cries = yell at the cat and shove her out the door. Child throws herself on the ground = smack the dog on the ass.

    I did learn, after I started the mood stabilizer, that the rage doesn’t have to be there and it feels pretty good to not feel like I am going to split into two if I .

  11. Vienna April 17, 2007 at 9:17 pm #

    This is how I (often) feel without medication. I fear taking medication for making it worse, but am desperate (yet chicken-shit) to get the medication to see if it makes me any better. I really do find myself wanting to beat him or shake him, but instead opt for screaming or telling my husband that I’m leaving and never coming back. If it’s any other consolation, I can tell you about why a friend of mine refers to your meds as “Assbutrin” instead…

  12. thordora April 18, 2007 at 7:03 am #

    I had a freak out last night, which helps to get some of the crap out. But I’m not sure about these meds.

    I hate the fact that it’s like I have to chose between being one type of happy or the other. I hate that I have to compromise parts of my relationship.

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