Clementine

6 Mar

Oh my darlin, oh my darlin, oh my darlin Clementine

Rosalyn, in 3 days you’ll be two years old. Two years old.

Today, a co-worker brought in her son, her 6 weeks old son who weighed the same as you did at birth. He was tiny and defined, like a bird. His mouth moved absently, his hands struck out mindlessly.

He was just beginning.

Just one year ago, I wrote this. Just one year before that, I actually did it.

It hasn’t been easy. Standing there this morning, looking at this girl looking fanfuckingtastic 6 weeks postpartum was rather depressing as well.

Where have 2 years gone? Where did I leave them? If you’re two then Vivian is almost 4 and I’m almost 30 and CRAP. Where is my life? Where did I leave it?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I don’t belong to “The Club” anymore. You know the one. The new mom, fanatic about everything, passionate about parenting issues, knowing glances in the baby aisle at Wal-mart. That Mom is gone, if she ever existed. I stare longingly at the baby stuff, knowing that mine time there is gone. I glance at the young mothers, tired and worn and confused, yet together, browsing through nipples and wipes and tiny t-shirts. And I realize that an entire part of my life has ended.

I grew up.

I don’t worry about breastfeeding guilt anymore since my kids are just as smart and healthier, if not more so. I don’t worry about crying it out. I don’t worry about eating organic, or not. (Hell, i’m happy if whatever Ros is eating is actually food) I don’t worry about the little things.

I don’t recognize any of the newest baby gear. The crib section in Babies R’Us is a faint memory, as is my giant belly. There’s a girl I lost, starting with being pregnant with Vivian, and ending with having Rosalyn. She turned into a woman.

I mourn this, I really do. Sure, it’s necessary, but it’s sad. I’ll never again choose bottles for my child as hot tears of shame pour down my face, knowing I should be breastfeeding. I’ll never buy a teeny tiny little sleeper for my own baby again. I’ll never debate the merits of diaper brands again. I’ll never be so new ever again.

Because that is what I remember, that is what I feel from those days-the wet newness of it all, like kittens with eyes closed we were, I was. That golden sense of surprise and wonder, along with the tired and lonely. Becoming a woman. It was magical, wasn’t it?

And now my babies are becoming girls, soon to be women.

Me-Maw is proud.

4 Responses to “Clementine”

  1. Jason Dufair March 6, 2007 at 10:47 pm #

    I’ll never be so new again.

    That pretty much captures it for me. I’m not up on the latest baby gear anymore too. And won’t ever be. That phase is gone. It was gonna be gone anyway, but it got kinda washed away with Anna’s cancer diagnosis. Byebye new dad. Sure do miss ya.

    Again, thanks for putting into words so well what I’ve only been feeling in a vague sense.

  2. katsplace March 7, 2007 at 9:41 am #

    That stage of my life is done also. I chose it while I was pregnant with the twins – knowing it was time to be done and that I really didn’t want to be pregnant again. At the same time, I mourned it after it was real. I don’t regret it, it was the right decision but the passing of this stage in my life is something that I had to mark and grow to accept emotionally.

  3. Missy March 8, 2007 at 10:13 am #

    Nicely said.
    My instinct is to offer a hearty “welcome to the club.” You are no longer an amatuer, you are a warrior.
    I feel fulfilled as far as babies are concerned–I don’t mourn that passing. Although I guess I did, which is why I have Mark (hahaha). But now it’s a nostalgia that is sweet, not bittersweet. I’ll always be a sucker for babies, and they’re even more enchanting when you don’t have to do the yucky parts.

  4. Nat March 8, 2007 at 10:15 am #

    I don’t mourn that stage in my life. I’m glad it’s gone. It never felt natural for me to be IN the baby section of stores with other moms. I don’t really feel I can relate to most other moms. I think her being preemie kinda affected all that, for me. But I dig babies and all, just like I did before. I just didn’t have the “cool mom” thing going on, is all. I’m a dorky mom. And I’m ok with that. lol

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