An email, a letter, and a question.

20 Nov

Awhile back I received a card from my biological grandfather, as detailed here. I sent a letter back with pictures of the girls. I asked about my father’s side of the family. I asked about mental illness, or any illness in the family. I put my neck out there, explaining I want my daughters to know their family. It might be important someday.

I received nothing back until an email sitting in my inbox last night. With pictures of people I cannot find myself in.

I took a very deep breath, calmed the jitters, and read.

I don’t know why I get so jittery, other than the fact that the people who should embrace me, who should want me around as I am one of them, they don’t. I get nervous, and shaky, and want to cry.

The fact of the matter is, my own mother doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me. My aunt is the one making contact this time. not my mother, who’s email address has never changed, who I have sent numerous message to. If she had ever said “I don’t want you in my life” I would have left her alone, I would never have emailed her again.

This bothers me more than it should. Why would she ignore me? Why can she not be bothered to answer an email? Doesn’t she own me that much? Does she own me anything?

Or is she still angry that I am not the little girl she thought she’d find?

More later….I’m still all weird about this sudden contact.

13 Responses to “An email, a letter, and a question.”

  1. barb November 20, 2006 at 4:49 pm #

    maybe she’s scared. unsure of herself. unsure of how you really might feel. i’m trying to fast forward myself many years to see how i might feel if it were reversed…but The Kiddo is almost 9 and i don’t have enough foresight. sending you warm thoughts.

  2. Jason Dufair November 20, 2006 at 4:52 pm #

    You say “this bothers me more than it should”. Seems like it should bother you a lot. I would think, in your shoes, my anxiety about the whole thing would be mighty high.

    I hope the email was a positive experience overall. Good luck.

  3. thordora November 20, 2006 at 4:56 pm #

    Ah ha Jason-but the catch to my psyche is that I never let myself want things for me, or to truly get excited about anything.

    been broken hearted far too many times dontcha know.

    Or maybe I’ve felt blessed to have the sporatic good times, and don’t want to jinx it.

  4. nicole November 20, 2006 at 5:25 pm #

    Hell, I want to know why COWORKERS won’t respond to my emails so I’d be a total wreck if I were in your position. You’re handling your wonderings better than I. πŸ™‚

  5. Ms Sisyphus November 20, 2006 at 5:36 pm #

    Harsh reply, but from a fellow adoptee, so take that into account:

    No. She doesn’t owe you anything, Thor. She’s not your mother. She’s a woman vaguely connected to your life by an accident of biology. She made her choices and did her grieving 29 years ago. The thing is, there’s no “should” with the biologicals. They gave up should nearly 3 decades ago. While I’m sure that she’s got some very complex feelings about your reunion and subsequent estrangement, I’m not willing to judge her for them. I’m sorry you got hurt in this process, but I think you need to work towards letting it go.

    I also think your logic is faulty where you say that the people who should want you in your life don’t. Dorf wants you, no matter how bipolar and difficult you get. Your girls want you, regardles of how conflicted you were about them. Your father wants you. Seems to me that all the people who should want you love you a great deal.

  6. liprap November 20, 2006 at 6:57 pm #

    I second that ms sisyphus post.

    Your biological mom has had decades and more than a few opportunities to get with you or at least leave lines of communication open, and she hasn’t. It’s pretty incredible that other family members are attempting to take up that slack, but I would definitely lower the expectations some.

  7. liprap November 20, 2006 at 6:58 pm #

    Oh, and put those energies into your own beautiful family, why dontcha? 😎

  8. thordora November 20, 2006 at 6:59 pm #

    I think, more than anything, I want at least ONE mother in my life, and I can’t get over or around the fact that I likely won’t.

    I dunno….but you’re right.

  9. Ms Sisyphus November 20, 2006 at 8:14 pm #

    I know hon. But here’s the thing: She is not your mother. She hasn’t been your mother in 29 years. Your mother was the woman who combed your hair, rubbed away your tummyaches, kissed your tears, sewed your halloween costumes, and a thousand other things. She was there for all the moments in your childhood, big and small. She loved *you*. Not your dna, your spirit. It sucks that she died, Thor. It’s awful that you feel so bereft. But this other woman will never, ever fill that void. Because she is not your mother.

  10. Jen November 21, 2006 at 12:23 am #

    The thing that’s tough about mothers is that being one, it’s impossible to imagine someone not caring about her children.
    I’m probably going to trip over my words here a bit because I don’t know exactly how to say what I mean to say, but here goes anyway. Your bio-mom gave away a baby, not the you that you are now. I’d imagine that in order to do that, she had to divorce the person you would be from the baby she didn’t keep. Your mom chose the baby your bio-mom didnt keep, and loved her for the person she was. It sucks hard that your mom was taken away from you, but your bio-mom can’t be a mom to you. She knew that 29 years ago, and she gave you the gift of your parents.

    I have no contact with my father’s family because I can’t handle it emotionally. There’s no shame in that.

  11. Missy November 21, 2006 at 12:58 pm #

    I’m on board with Ms. S. Well said.

    I haven’t had a mother in my life for ten years. But I have other women in my life, and that makes a difference. And none of them are in any way related to me.

  12. thordora November 21, 2006 at 1:07 pm #

    I wish I had a “mother” figure even. I mostly mourn the loss of an older woman in my life as the voice of wisdom and experience.

  13. Missy November 21, 2006 at 4:19 pm #

    Maybe you’ll find that person. Broaden your circle a little, if you can.

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