Without the capacity to provide its own information, the mind drifts into randomness.

I’m annoyed, I’m pissy, I’m depressed and in a nutshell I’m trying to not go psychotic while working my last few weeks at a job, having to advise people on how to do my job and generally pretend I care. And I can’t stop eating, trying to quell some unnamed hungry I can’t quite nail down.

In short, I don’t really want to think about it, and would rather focus on other people at the moment.

 “They said, ‘you know, you’re a very pretty lady, I like your profile,’ ” said the victim. “You feel very flattered.”

Sigh. Tell me what part of the following sentence would make anyone on the internet over the past, oh I don’t know, ten years nervous: “The compliments and commitment kept coming from the false flame, who posed as a U.S. businessman who travelled to Nigeria to buy antiques. “

hmmmmm. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

“You think you’re smarter than (the crooks), but you’re not. It can happen to anyone,” she said.

Honey, you aren’t smarter than a fucking stump.

 

Kamila was trying her best to negotiate fashion’s highest heels — and a watering can filled with water (you can see it sloshing out onto the runway as she trips).

You’re a model. You have to wear these ridiculous outfits and try and walk in shoes that don’t even LOOK like shoes. And THEN you get some asshole news anchor who you make more than in one week than he does in a year snickering to the point that you KNOW he’s crying. And you know what? It’s not funny-it’s sad and kinda scary. Sure, they’re “models”, but their livelihood is linked to those tiny little ankles. Ass. (Some of the others-where the models are ok, are amusing)

Sigh

Dude makes 200 FALSE calls to 911. Do I see any mentions of a psych eval? No, but they were nice enough to arrest him. And seriously? It takes 200 calls!?!?! You couldn’t find him in all that time?

“You can imagine the time and effort it does require. It’s not something that we’re going to tolerate,” said police spokesman Const. Jason Michalyshen.

Yeah, that’s totally why he got away with it this much. Maybe I’ll go to Winterpeg and see what I can get away with.

 

um. Scary. kthxbai

And sorta awesome.

 

And not only does Mickey Rourke creep me the hell out, but so does his weird attachment to his dogs, one of which is now dead. Let’s hope this love doesn’t run to taxidermy.

And we’re getting a snowstorm tomorrow. 

I’m still pissy. What’s new with you?

Grace in Large Things: Murderous Rage Edition

People I’m mostly happy I didn’t kill lately:

• The bus driver who thinks that because it’s Sunday a schedule is more of a suggestion than something to adhere to when it’s -21C and I’m outside with an almost 4 year old.
• The two well dressed Metrosexuals who glared at me in Starbucks until Ros and I left to explore the book store. Apparently over priced jeans find wood chair aborhant.
• Other parents near the trains. Holy sweet CRAP people. They’re kids. You CAN turn your back and have a conversation, or look at, I don’t know, a book! They won’t melt! They will figure out how to play by themselves! I promise. A glance from over the shelves is good for them.
• Conversely, sitting and having a little chat while your spawn beats my child with a toy isn’t helpful. Saying “That’s not nice” without bothering to look isn’t helpful either. PARENT dammit.
• THAT Mom with the voice, trying to impress all the other Moms. I’m sure they have every single one of those 300 books. And I’m sure in 20 years you’ll be glad you spent 20.00 on each and every one of them. Now cut it with the sweet talk and actually pay attention when your child IS doing something wrong.
• Asshat in the Jeep-you had the ENTIRE parking lot to drive around us, but you STILL had to nearly hit us. Now THAT would have been a fun lawsuit.
• Guy carefully examining the body souffle near the cosmetics. You’re loss prevention, I get it. For some reason this entire city thinks you’re stealing if you shop without screaming at your kid. Please attempt to be a little less obvious next time?  At least your walkie-talkie wasn’t sticking out like usual.
• Impatient twit in the grocery store. I’m sorry that my 4 year old wasn’t walking fast enough for you to charge the meat counter. I try and save my annoyance in the grocery store for people who CAN help but be an asshole. Like you.
• Second Cup lady-yes I had the NERVE to have Starbucks in my hand while grabbing a coffee for my Dad.And yes, despite your lame attempts to sell me your coffee, I STILL think it tastes like ass and gives me gut rot. Save the attitude if you want people to give you their money.
• Me-stop being so fucking foul today. Find something else to do already.

What’s making you homicidal today?

(Please note that I am NOT actually homicidal. Please do not call any government or law enforcement agencies. If you have lost your ability to discern humour, please, let me add you to this list.)

Oh Noes! Oprah is teh devil!

Burned Retina’s.

White WHITE Whitey boys+karaoke+Snoop Dogg circa 1994=PAIN.

No matter how many beers I drank, it just never stopped hurting….

and yes, I’m slightly drunk blogging….

No, we all use dogsleds.

I’m in Target (woot!) buying shaving cream (gotta shave legs for important meeting tomorrow-must wear cute shoes and skirt).

The super nice and sweet cashier (how nice is that. SERVICE. The armpit could learn a few things from this place) is reading a flyer as I dig for American quarters since apparently Canadian quarters are the work of the devil.

“This is a nice car.” she says with her sweet cute American accent, flipping the flyer over so I can see.

“I guess.” I mutter. “I don’t drive. We don’t own a car.”

She gives me that blank look I’ve become adjusted to getting from Americans when I mention we don’t have a car.

“I’m Canadian” I offer in the hopes of making it easier on the poor thing.

“Why not?” she asks

“Money. Pollution. We’re closet hippies.”

“How do you get around?” she almost whispers as she hands me my change.

“The bus, or we walk.”

“The whole country?”

 ……………..sigh…………..

This one’s for Mogo

Kate posted the link on Radical Mother….I stole it.

He’s fucking Ben Affleck!

 

This takes a little while to load, but OMFG I’m crying people….CRYING I’m laughing so hard. 

Honestly….

You needed to be told that she’s nursing?

(I think it’s awesome that she is. I just can’t grasp how anyone could look at those puppies and NOT realize that someone is having some numnums.)

And sigh. Looks incredible weeks after birth. I think a stylist should be the new “in” post partum gift.

Out of Office Reply’s I’m Destined to use…..

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was actually in, chances are most likely that you would not have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our Senior Management Team.

4. Sorry, but I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. Notice!! The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me.

Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘David’

Yoga with Toddler

I’m laying on the floor after doing a section of a new Yoga DVD, wondering why they always seem so tainted by that icky hippy dippy vibe, and trying to relax and “enjoy the quiet and peace.”

On my hard floor, with small cars and action figures poking me. I try, and most succeed. I’m feeling very rested,  yet exhilarated.

The patter of little feet comes across the room. Shaking jingle bells. Loudly.

“MUMMY!!!!!! MUMMY! ARE YOUDONEYET!?!? MUMMY! Get UP! Stand UP MUMMY!!!!”

Note to self. Do Yoga AFTER kids are in bed.

BONZAI!

I was TRYING to post a kitteh picture. It’s not working. 😦

Look here.

I hate Sarah Silverman

but even I will admit that this is fucking hilarious.

Is anyone else having issues with their feed?

I mean seriously. It’s been 4 hours or more since my last post and it’s STILL not in my feeds. WTF?

ETA: It was the feedburner feed that was evil. If you had subscribed via the little thingies in my sidebar you will need to do so again as the prior feed is no longer active. Please click on the “subscribe” buttons on the side to get the active feed.

Growl.

Things on my mind….

• Posting once a day is easy for me, except when I’m sick. Then I carp and moan about my sickness, procrastinate posting and ultimately end up with a pile of poo on paper. (or theoretical paper, as the internet is)
• I have pulled yet another muscle, this time in my shoulder. Perhaps I’m swimming the butterfly in my sleep?
• I’m tired of being fat. I don’t mind being round-it’s the front part that sticks out that bothers me. I’m REALLY hoping a get an elliptical trainer. I don’t have time right now to get out and about, but I can totally watch House and pretend to walk, right?
• I hate having food stuck in my teeth, but I have picking me teeth even more. Blech. Ever watch someone do that? It’s revolting!
• My boss continues to be the.coolest.boss.EVAH. Witness: Socks that say

“I know all my coworkers names“:

• I’m tired. FREAKISHLY tired. If I could find a way to go home I would, but this week has also been stupidly busy. Even if I went home, I’d have to try and convince Mogo to convince his boss to let him not work so I could sleep, since he works in the bedroom. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh.

• I’m still blocked on my novel. I didn’t win Nano. Then again, I’m terrible with time limits. She just wasn’t a character with a lot to say, and I was trying to make her speak. Terribly difficult.

Time to resume work. Somehow my day is almost over already, and I feel like I just got here.

In utterly shocking news

Imagine driving along, minding your own business when POW!

600 pounds of cow lands on your car.

The 600-pound cow fell about 200 feet and landed on the hood of the minivan carrying Charles Everson Jr. and his wife Linda of Westland, Mich., who were in the area celebrating their one-year wedding anniversary. They were checked at Lake Chelan Community Hospital as a precaution.

Too bad the leather anniversary isn’t until the 3rd anniversary.

Things currently irritating me

• Loud french people in small enclosed areas. Madame, it’s a bus. I cannot escape you. The driver, your trainee, is almost right next to you. Your animated flailing about your pregnancy (yes, we know, 3 months along and the older one wants a sister!) isn’t inspiring much trust in your “training”. And my eardrums? They prefer an intact state as opposed to being blown out by your incessant yattering at a decibel range nearing one you’d find at the airport.

• Photography. I know I’m not the only one annoyed as shit with this little trend. I have a camera. I can take a half decent picture. (As in-point and shoot without making a stupid mistake like pointing it into the sun) I am NOT a photographer! I am not under any delusions that I create photography! I take pictures. Would I like to have a real nice camera and some training? Uh, yeah. Duh. But there is a VAST distance between a picture and a piece of photography. Why is that so hard to see? And I swear to crap, one more unframed, boring, no light shot of a bridge or a soft diffused shot of some ugly dude hugging a tree and I might just crap out a puppy.

• Newark Liberty Airport. Would it KILL YOU to have some freaking signage when you get off the plane? I almost missed my flight because I had absolutely no idea where I was going, and when someone finally did tell me, it was the line from hell at customs. SIGNS. Oh, and more deodorant pucks in the bathrooms. The entire places smelled like wee.

• Plus size models who are a size 8. Actually, that doesn’t irritate me so much as make me collapse into giggles. If this chick is “Plus Size”, I must be dead. What a fucking joke that is. And frankly, insulting to those of us who a healthy and normal size is a 14/16. Sick, and sad.

What wonderful thing did I just go do?

Guess.

Duh.

Researcher links gas price, obesity

Really? I hadn’t noticed.

It’s funny. I know lots of people who grumble and complain and bitch when the gas price goes up, people who could find alternate transportation but don’t, who still drive their guzzling SUV’s to work a few blocks. Or the people who insist on living outside of town, saying they can’t afford to live in town, not with the car.

Heh.

We’re a sedentary society which, to quote Over the Hedge, is slowly losing it’s ability to walk. I use public transit as much as I possibly can, walking when I have the time. I meant to buy a bike this year, and just didn’t get around to it. Exercise, and leaving the car at home, CAN come together. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

I look forward to higher gas prices in some ways. More people out of cars. Better air. Food more expensive so maybe we only buy what we need instead of the piles of food that we don’t use.

I look most forward to people ending the dependence on vehicles. There are other ways if people can get over their “I must be king! and alone in my car!” attitudes. It’s not all that hard after all.

Oh how I hope this is a hoax

Cause this letter to the editor makes me want to find this woman and slap her. I understand the frustration, but come on, rats?

With regard to Stephen Palmer, M.D. leaving the Auburn area, I too am sad to see him go. I do however, have a different view than that of Kerry Cohlmeyer (at the birthing center), Journal Sept. 9. as she states that the other three obstetricians/gynecologists here to serve the women in the community.

While I respect and trust Dr. Palmer’s abilities and experience, because I am not a child-bearing woman in this society (clearly a minority), I have been rescheduled three times and still not been seen by him.

On my last scheduled visit, I was in the exam room, prepared for the less than five minute procedure and I was told the doctor had to leave to deliver a baby.

There I sit, quite, vulnerable, passed over because someone is having a baby, as if they are more important than me. My time is just as important as someone having a baby.

My understanding, which could be wrong, is that the obstetricians/gynecologists in Auburn area have to deliver their own patients babies from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and run their practice.

I thought in this day and age there were such things as on-call physicians.

While it may be nice and comfortable to have your obstetrician/gynecologist deliver a baby, these doctors are licensed to practice both obstetrics and gynecology.

So, for those of us who choose to not procreate like rats, we just have to wait to have gynecological procedures completed and hope we can be squeezed in between births.

Am I supposed to believe that these three remaining doctors, whose baby load is probably on overload already, are going to be there for me for my yearly gynecological exams?

I intend no disrespect or disregard to any of these physicians or their staff, however, there is a clear emphasis on babies.

I believe that every person is deserving of time from their physician whether they are 8 seconds old or 80 years old.

Just because someone is giving birth does not make them any more important or their needs more special. Michele Weber

Nice huh? Go figure-an emphasis on babies at an OB/GYN.  I had the bad luck to have both of my children when my OB/GYN was on vacation, and man, how having a strange doctor between your legs make the day even better!

And around here, your “monthly appointment” is expected to be taken care of at your GP, not the OB/GYN. Not sure about everywhere else.
 

A moment of brain fart

Where the hell is everyone lately? Are you “gasp!” working?

That must be it. I on the other hand, have the attention span of a gnat. Combined with the appetite of an elephant. (Lord I can’t wait to have my meds changed)

Maybe I should move to Russia. Then I could win prizes for babies.

I can’t imagine living somewhere that rewards you for breeding. Hell, in North America, half the time it seems like you’re being punished, be it because you posted breastfeeding pictures on Facebook or because you dare go out in public and feed the baby.

Must be nice I figure, to have a government paying even lip service to keeping the population up. How hard is it to figure out? Support families, and they support you?

(and yes, before anyone points it out, I realize that I don’t REALLY want to live in Russia. Take a joke already….) 🙂