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I wish I knew the answer

23 Nov

You searched for “make in-laws leave”. On Thanksgiving. Are they that bad?

No,  I’m sure they ARE that bad. I can imagine. But sadly, I don’t have the answer. Does anyone? Do we poison the stuffing? Give them actual coal for Christmas? Have loud sex in the room next to theirs?

 Any suggestions, as you all sit in a turkey induced stupor?

Christmas is here!

19 Nov

How do I know? I know because we spent 2 hours navigating stupid people at the mall, trying to wedge a buggy full of presents purchased on behalf of my inlaws through stupid narrow aisles. Because I almost kicked two people who decided they just couldn’t wait two seconds for me to move out of the way. Because large groups of women insist on stopping and forming a circle in the middle of the main mall aisle, comparing purchases. Because people get retarded in groups.

On a good note, a few people DID use their manners, and I almost fell over. BUT, I would bet money that they were from out of town. FOund some good ideas for the presents we’ll get the girls. Today was just a trip to purchase toys so the inlaws wouldn’t have to mail them. They have called 6 times in the last week asking if we had done so yet.

6 freaking times.

We can’t find the one toy we were going to get Ros, so we purchased a few others instead. When I asked The Dorf if he thought it was a big deal, he blurted “I don’t give a flying fuck at this point. Fuck them.”

So yeah. He’s plotting to have them buy all our stuff for our friends and relatives in Ontario, as revenge. His mother is driving us slightly batty.

Sometimes, I’m glad my mother isn’t here, because frankly, she’d drive me just as nuts.

Already, the girls are getting too much stuff. I’m sure something will end up in the charity bin beyond what was planned.

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells….

They aren’t even a radish

12 Aug

I try to live my in law family, I really, really do.

Generally speaking, I’m not difficult to get along with. Granted, I’m not a huge people person, which is why I LOVE this online thing, but in normal, everyday life, I’m fairly easy going IF you’re not an assmonkey to me.

Which is why my inlaws and SIL drive me fucking batshit.

After the in law invasion last month, my husband was left reeling from what I have since termed his first real ADULT encounter with his parents. Why you ask? Because his family seems to be from the school of “nothing nice to say? Say it loudly, and repeatedly.”

It drives me freaking insane, coming from a family of “keep your mouth shut unless someone is bleeding.” I was raised to respect the ways other people behaved, even if I didn’t agree.

The family I married into doesn’t seem to agree with this. I’ve now been suffering through the SIL invasion, and thankfully, it’s almost over. Of course, we had the first few days where she sat there cleaning and complaining about how “filthy” our house is and how “we’re lucky we don’t have rodents”

She’s lucky I wasn’t home when she said these things.

Now, it’s progressed into getting drunk, and yelling at her brother for things that happened 15 years ago, and claiming he’s a bad lazy father.

My husband works part time because it SAVES us money, and because we’ve made a concious CHOICE to raise our children ourselves. But apparently, we should be working for the almighty dollar, and throw them into daycare.

WHY do some people think that a week spent around my children qualifies them to lecture me in parenting? Why do I have to explain time and time again, that trying to argue with a tired, hungry toddler is an exercise in futility, and NOT something they should be punished for? How do I explain to an ADULT that when a 3 year old tells you to go away, it’s NORMAL, and you do NOT have to get in a pout and tell HER to go away then anyway?

I’m so fucking SICK and tired of never having his family say a good thing about how we’re raising our children. It’s constant negativity, and I’m about to make a “no in-laws” rule in the house. We ARE doing a good job. The smiles and laughter on their faces tell us that, and the reaction of everyone else to our children also tell us that. They are well mannered and GOOD kids. I’m beginning to be more than a little offended that his family cannot manage to see that.

We work hard, and we do it ALONE. So if the floor is dirty, so what? My mother was always cleaning, and I wish to death I had more memories of her playing to sustain me. I don’t want my daughters to remember me cleaning. And what gives ANYONE the right to come into my house, and act like that? It’s RUDE. If I tell you to leave the housework alone, that means leave it alone. If we sit and let the kids play and relax for awhile, that doesn’t mean we’re dumping them on you-that means we’re operating as normal, and you feel the need to hover over them.

And if I say “let them get hurt” when they drop something on their toes, it’s because that’s how some kids LEARN. They won’t learn much if I coddle them in every single instance where they could be hurt, or if I’m constantly providing a running diaglogue of “don’t do that”. Contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion in his family, I HAVE read up a LOT on child development and parenting, and I’m not doing this stuff just cause.

More than anything, I’m sick of having people around who make me so angry, and who NEVER EVER say “your kids rule”

THIS is why we live over 18 hours away from his family, and likely will for a very long time.

Am I the only one? Does anyone else have this problem? My own family is so NOT like this, that it’s really hard for me to handle…

I have to rant, I must I must

21 Jun

I have to rant.

I have to, I really really must.

IN-LAWS.

Doesn’t the word just put a shiver down your spine, like someone chasing you with an axe?

I’m trying to like them right now. I’m really, really trying. And I used to, mostly.

But then they committed in-law sin number 1.

Disregarding parental authority.

We’re pretty normal parents I think, a for the most part, run with benevolent neglect as a parenting style. In our house, if you don’t want the kids touching something, you don’t leave it where it might tempt them, much as you shouldn’t leave a cheesecake within my vicinity. It’s like asking a starving man not to eat while sitting him in the middle of 7-11. Ain’t gonna happen. So we just make sure nothing worrisome is near the edge, and use plain old “don’t touch that” otherwise.

This works. It’s called picking your battles.

Apparently, this isn’t good enough for my inlaws. Apparently, leaving a camcorder and a very expensive part to a machine on the edge of the counter where Vivian eats her snacks is a good idea. Since apparently, she won’t want to touch the illiicit items, oh no. Apparently, it’s the TODDLER’S fault for being curious, and our fault for not disciplining them properly. It worked for their kids after all.

I was so bloody pissed off I could barely speak. These people are around our children, at most, 3 weeks a year. We told them explicitly that we do not leave things where they can grab them. My father learned this lesson the hard way, costing him a pack of smokes. The difference is, my father realized it was his own mistake for leaving them out, and didn’t blame the kid. She still got in shit, but it was as much his fault as hers. She’s being naturally curious like any almost 3 year old. He’s old enough to know better.

My inlaws on the other hand, seem to think that we should just punish our children for everything, instead of preventing the problem in the first place.

Later that day, it happens again. The girls have this water table thing that we sometimes use as a sorta table if we eat on the deck. FIL kept putting his beer on the table, and getting mad because Ros wanted to GASP PLAY WITH THE TABLE, and hence the beer. Apparently, moving the beer to the deck rail wasn’t good enough for him, instead, he wanted to punish the toddler for doing what she is supposed to-play with her toys!

I’ve turned a blind eye to the candy. I’ve walked away when they’ve let Vivian be rough, and get away with stuff, because I do believe that grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren to a degree. I don’t mind that.

But the minute the “It worked on our kids” speech comes out, I see red. Cause you know what? Smoking in a parked car with my kids in it? NOT COOL. Telling me that something worked on yours, and then seeing the effects, and working for years to get rid of those effects? NOT COOL.

My mother used to use a stick to strap me across the knuckles when I did something wrong. She also used to spank me as punishment. In the early 80’s, this was a little more acceptable than it is now. Does that mean that it’s ok? I remember riding in the backseat a a child, no seat belt, no nothing. We don’t do that anymore. So it’s not ok.

And the really bothersome part is that when we ask them nicely to respect our childrearing style, they actually get offended, and refuse to change or listen. It’s immensely frustrating, because I cannot speak with them directly, and yet I need to deal with the tension. I’m going to explode, and my husband has to deal with all of this, on both sides. I don’t want to be an asshole, but they are OUR children, not theirs. It is OUR house, not theirs. I don’t have this problem with my father, even after he’s been with us 6 months. He knows to back off, and not take over. He has fun with them, but leaves the true discipline up to us. Because they are our children, and they are overall well behaved, polite, smart, incredible children. And they don’t get that way from being prevented from exploring, or being continually punished for our laziness.

My most favorite part however, was how my MIL was all like “Well, what about what WE are used to? What about our feelings, and wishes.” Frankly lady, when it comes to my kids, I don’t give a crap. You’ve got my mother bear hackles up now. And it also illustrates why I’ve had to fight with my husband for years to not always think about himself first. Because he was parented to believe that his wishes and desires were not valid unless he forced the issue, unless he controlled it, and was “first”. I can’t think of anything I can stand less than people who think the world is here only for them to stand on. I couldn’t believe she said that.

Anyone else have this problem? Any thoughts? Because quite frankly, I’m about ready to blow my stack. Thank the gods I had to work today.

How will they know she’s yours?

22 Jul

So I’m a little nutty about certain things, one of which is the name my children will carry as a family name.

I have two cool little girls. When my mother died, I made a kind of pact with myself that if I ever had children, my firstborn would be named in someway after my mother, and my kids would have my last name. One of Vivian’s middle names is Dianne, after my mother, and both she and Rosalyn have my last name.

Why? Because MY body created them, MY body delivered them. I have never believed in patrilineal lines of descent, which are only in place because it made it easier to control women, livestock and property. I don see ANY logical reason for my daughters to carry their father’s name.

I offered the dreaded hyphen option to him, and he declined, thankfully. Let’s just say there is a VERY good reason I did not take the Dorf’s last name. But I extended the offer, and also made sure he had no issues with the girls having my last name. (Of course, even if he had, it’s doubtful I would have cared, in truth)

My father understood, and since it’s his last name, seemed pleased. The Dorf’s parents on the other hand….I knew they’d be bothered, they’re just that way. And there’s a little bit of “we want to be the boss” involved too…And I can understand being a little bit miffed.

But to have my mother-in-law as the Dorf, not me, the following question….

They’re in the car when they originally visited when Vivian was born, and then found out she did NOT have their name. So the Dorf is trying to explain it, when she asks…

“But how will people know she’s yours?”

Am I the ONLY one finding that question just a wee bit, oh, I don’t know, MORONIC? No one EVER asks that of the mother if the child takes the father’s name. They just ASSUME, in the same manner that everyone addresses the Dorf as “Mr. Thorn” instead of his name. He told her that people will know because he’s her FATHER, and his name in on the birth record.

I don’t get it? They’re girls, so if they marry, and decide to take their partner’s name, they won’t “carry” the name on anyway. And why to people always assume that the mother will just give up her name, merely based on “cause that’s the way it’s always been?”

My kids have my name because they are physically part of me, and lived INSIDE me. And before anyone points it out, I am well aware that without his sperm, they would not be here. But that’s the sum total contribution to creating the child that a man provides. Children deserve their mother’s name.

I hope that this becomes more accepted soon. I’d like to believe that people will soon stop doing things “just because.”

Of course, I’d also like people to stop being jerkoffs so…..

MIL Quote of the Day

9 May

“The first time I had a yeast infection, I wanted to scratch it with a potato brush.”