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Number Two!

6 Feb

I’m over here today looking for suggestions to potty train her royal evilness AKA Rosalyn.

Feel free to give some advice. Or the bad news. Either way…

New Post Up!

5 Dec

Over yonder ho, at GNMParents.

It’s also anniversary week there, with prizes to be won, so it’s worth hanging around!

Prizes! Woot!

3 Dec

GNMParents is a year old! WOO HOO!

I’m sure I’ve harassed most of you to go over and read my posts when they’re up (and I have a nice one running tomorrow!) But even better than stuff written by me-there are PRIZES this week, like today-you can win Danger Ranger stuff!

So run over, have a read, leave a comment, and win!

If you want to help

6 Nov

I’m asking for suggestions for toy purchasing, and toy purging over at GNMParents.

My biweekly post is up

25 Sep

Over at GNMParents. Enjoy!

YOOO HOOOO!

11 Sep

  

  

I’m over YONDER today, pondering.

Last night

14 Aug

Last night I lost it.

After days of whining, screaming, snivelling, acting up and generally making my life a living hell, despite the birthday festivities, I lost it completely.

I screamed. A lot. Loudly. That version of me doesn’t come out often, but when it does, get out of the way.

Vivian got a non PC swat on the butt to reinforce that I am more than sick of her constant refusals to cooperate and her whining and snivelling and flat out fibbing.

With visions of wanting to tear my child limb from limb, I slammed the door and stalked off to sit on the deck as they cried their crocodile tears. (You know the type-start, go one weakly, stop to see if anyone is coming, start again. Rinse. Repeat)

I don’t want to be a mother they’re scared of, but the other version of me seems to be the one they feel free to walk on, to push and push and push. I’m terrified of something happening to me, so I have trouble walking away from them.

Not so last night. Last night I entertained all the ways I could run away or just be done with kids. I didn’t want them anymore at that point, and why would I? Nothing we do seems to have any affect-I don’t know how to parent small children, and I have no parent to ask. (My father can joke, but he worked when I was small, and has no idea what my mother did)

WHY do I feel so alone in all of this, so helpless? Why can I not find my loving sweet caring daughter in all of this? Why is she so driven to driving me mad lately?

While yelling myself hoarse out of frustration and anger and sadness, I blurted out the one thing I didn’t want to. “Do you want Mommy to go away again?!”

I feel so fucking terrible about that the most. A swat on the ass you get over. The fear of being abandoned, not so much. I feel so fucking helpless because most of the advice I hear or see is great for parents other than us-people with one child, or a stay at home parent, or children spaced further, or for parents who are sane, or for people who have help, and lots of it near by. We are NONE of these things.

I hate myself today. I hate who I have to be with my kids, but I don’t see what else to do at this point. I really don’t. 

 ETA:

My post in the same vein up at GNMParents today. Go read it. It’s just as irritated and depressing.

New Entries

19 Jun

Yet another entry up at GNMParents!

Work! No Kids Allowed!

Texas

1 Jun

New post up at GNMParents today from me about what happened in Texas a few days past.

How quickly the news moves on. But my anger still hasn’t. Anger at her, anger at a world that makes this far too possible, anger at a world that isolates mothers, especially mother’s of other colors and faiths, mother’s who aren’t well off, mothers who aren’t…us.

It’s here.

I’m pissed off, and sad. So fucking sad…