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Living Color

22 May

In my head, they all merge into one woman. Graceful, creative, caring-they are everywoman-or perhaps the idealization of her. They speak with one soft lyrical voice, laugh with wisdom and ache with sadness.

I rapidly page through all of them, pausing to evaluate, lips twisted in thought.

The girl I wanted to hate, before, whose beauty and talent far surpass my own, who seemed to have it all, but more than I could dream, simple loves, quiet content and adventure. Then came the rabbit hole, and then this past weekend, when she became real to me, flesh and feeling and raw seething. She glowed though, even if she thought she didn’t, with an expectation, a knowing even she might just be ignorant of. Something burbles for her. I see her in green, for growth.

Someone else, the age my mother was at death, exactly, but different, easing only lately into motherhood, far enough removed from my past, but maybe not quite enough. Sharp edges and primary colors-simplicity of thought and singlemindedness-the solid stance of someone who knows exactly who she is. I see her in red, and smile.

In an obnoxiously upholstered arm chair sits yet another woman, angles corrected and purposefully maintained. A place for everything and everything in it’s place, well researched, well spoken. A laugh that fills the house and your heart-a woman you’ve known time and time again, and trust, implicitly,without question. You’re at ease with her. Perhaps you are her. Jests are easily found, yet seldom meant. Her eyes dance. She’s striped in reds and yellows, the duskier versions, the muted, vastly more interesting ones.

Another, I recognize before meeting as a soul I’ve known before, an immediate kinship, an exhaled breath saying “oh thank the lord you’re here.” We don’t recall this feeling, or why it stretches between us, but we don’t mistake it for anything other than friendship. She has an easy laugh and silky voice you could listen for until slumber, a simple motherhood I envy, finger permanently crooked in a tiny baby mouth. She’s coated in purple, tangy grape purples.

More pattern, more riots of color sits a woman I hardly know, a woman bearing more substance than I. A grey, the grey of possibility and clearing. A pause.

Red hair, the color of melon and sweet flesh, a color that brings my memory back many years to a boy who fascinated, and I find myself feeling yet again enthralled with a voice and an eye that sees what many do not, a life that calls foul on my excuses of no time, no chance to do the things I feel prone to do. She lives-she really lives, the joy of her son flowing clear through her and onto all of us. She’s no single color, no steady influence but a jumble, a rainbow, a can of paint half stirred. In my mind, her head is thrown back, crowing, Peter Pan….

Delicate neck, delicate wrists and scarves and all those things this 15 year old drama student strived for but didn’t have the bone structure for. Delicate like spider web though-deceiving and free, awaiting. She is bigger than herself, bigger than the room-her smile so simple and yet like a lighthouse, a beacon we crave. Not her approval-her happiness. She is earthy brown, green, the moss beneath our feet balancing us and cradling our heads. Her sorrows countered by living. I see her long brown hair, and grin.

One last, one quiet, one ponderous and questioning, watching. I clawed myself back and waited, unsure, curious, yet not. Then she opened, and I felt myself smile quietly at finding a truly interesting person, finding someone I wanted to ask questions of, someone who seemed new and eternal all at once. She was blacks and greys for me, but in the simplest and best of ways. A sharp laugh, a sharp wit, all edges but not painful.

In many ways, we’ve all suffered our losses, then, or now. Yet when coming together, the loudest sounds heard were laughter, the laughter of being understood, the laughter of being together, of having nothing to prove and no where to be. Even the soft sad moments have their value, memories and actions borne aloft and aloud for the first time ever or the first time in 20 years. There is healing to acknowledgement. There is healing to a circle of women, even if they hover on the dessert tray.

I am not known as someone who usually finds much value in the company of other women. But last weekend, I felt so much at home that it scared me more than the likely haunted bathroom in my room. It felt real-it felt like I was doing something real for the first time in years.

Wandering through shops full of incredible soul swelling pieces of art that spoke on that other level, that ethereal level-I felt peaceful and anxious and happy all at one time. I felt peace. I didn’t feel crazy or mannish or fat or annoying. I felt normal.

And what a gift that is.

I saw all of you in colors ladies, as part of an ever changing rainbow of life and personality, each as valid and pointed as the last. Even if I couldn’t keep my mouth shut half the time, and kept saying stupid shit, I felt enveloped and cared for in a way I haven’t felt in many years.

And I thank you.


Welcome Chase!

9 Sep

Run, don’t walk over to see Dragon and her new little Dude!!!!

Congrats girl! And don’t worry. You’ll do fine. There’s a bunch of us here for you if you need anything. 🙂

Someone’s almost fully cooked…

2 Sep

Weedragon is only a few days from term, and she’s doing the soon to be new mom freak out. (remember that? I certainly do.)

I think she could use so words of reassurance, support and advice right now from all of us who’ve been there. The first time is cool, but listening to everyone say “oh, you’ll know” when you ask about how to tell when you’re in labour is a bit disconcerting.

Missy’s Story

20 Aug

Some of you may know Missy, at Missy’s Big Fish Stories.

What you may not know is that she’s a victim of spousal abuse who has finally broken free. It’s a disgustingly tragic and needless story that plays itself out all over the place every second. What different is that I know Missy, and she’s one of the kinder souls I’ve encountered in my life, someone who I’d gladly stand in front of and take the punch for. (Don’t worry-I hit back, and hard)

Jason is passing the “virtual hat” since her  finances were controlled by her husband, something normal and scary in these situations, and in order to retain an attorney, she needs the money, not to mention that she has 5 kids she’s responsible for, and no local family. Oh, and the judge flat out denied her a protection order for no apparent reason.

Nice. Apparently, this is what passes for justice these days. I’m appalled. I’m appalled that “the man’s” word is still taken as gospel in these situations. I’m appalled that vigilante justice has gone so far out of style.

I’m going to try and scrape up some cash to send, whatever I can. I encourage everyone to, at the very least, pass the word along. And if anyone knows any lawyers good at handling this type of shit, I’m sure she could use some rational advice right now. I can only venture a guess at how alone and scared she is.

Be a wall, and a fence

18 Aug

Many of us who met on a certain parenting message board know and love a wonderful woman named Ann.

Well, Ann’s not having such a great time of it, and could use some support.

Please go visit.

Didja see! Didja!

25 Jul

My BFF Eden is FAMOUS!



You go you universal suing machine! 🙂

Things I found today

27 Jun

I’m not up to writing anything right this second, but instead felt like highlighting a couple of really cool posts I found this morning.

Kind of Crunchy Mama popped up in my feeds with this lovely wish for the future.

Sean stole his wife’s blog, but for a good reason. We should all be so lucky.

And someone is 5. FIVE. I shudder to think that Vivian will also be 5 in a year. Is there a secret time valve somewhere?

I’ll likely have something constructive to say later…

oh, and I forgot to mention…

21 Jun

Mamaloo over at Momcast HAD HERSELF A WEE BOY LAST NIGHT!

She wanted a homebirth, and was afraid her midwifes wouldn’t let her-but she prevailed! And little Spencer was born at home, with a minimum of fuss.

Toddle on over and let her know how hard she RULES!

Yet again, I am unbiasly teh awesome

21 Jun


So, Charming Bitch, a favorite of mine who I love to see pop up in my feeds, gave me one of these fine puppies. This is like the third or fourth time someone has given me this, and for once, I’m actually gonna try and follow the instructions instead of going, “awww” and moving on without doing my duty according to “The Rules”.

I hate picking people out of the crowd. If I read you, I like you, and I feel you have something to say, something worthwhile to contribute. And I would hope that the rest of you do this as well, instead of it being some blithering popularity contest. But I’m a realist after all.

But thinking….who of you makes me THINK?

  1. Magdalena’s Revenge Now, I don’t make it there and comment very much, but I DO read the feed. Even when she’s drunk and rambling, she’s coherent and wraps her posts up into pretty little bows, something I have difficulty with at the best of times. She also opens a window into step-parenting and body issues, which, while on the opposite end of mine, still touch on familiar ground.
  2. The Fifth Column If you haven’t popped over there off my links before, please do so. Their posts are almost always provocative, and help give me some perspective in ways I don’t always have. And they’re nice even when they think you’re being an idiot. 🙂
  3. Women on the Verge. I love Gwen. I think I’m developing a second girl crush on Gwen. Her posts have a flow, a casual movement mine never have, and she never fails to get me thinking.
  4. Ornery Woman Always something new. Most of the time it makes me grin, giggle and ponder, all at once.
  5. cribchronicles Bon makes my head hurt if I read her posts too early in the morning. Nuff said.

I guess this means I have to post something intelligent today huh….And thank you Shannon, for thinking I have something more meaningful that nasty ass food to talk about.

Kate got to hold her boys, finally

22 May

and damn me if it isn’t the sweetest thing ever….

Don’t know Kate yet? Then you’re missing out…

Screw whatever crap I’m whining about

7 May

Kate had her twins. Early. Very Very early.

She needs some good thoughts, and likely some foot stamping “It’s not FAIR!”. Please go over and leave some thoughts. My heart aches for her right now.

Liam and Benjamin, hang in there little dudes. We’re all rooting for you.

Goodbye Carol

4 May

I’m sad to say that Ann’s daughter Carol has passed.

Please go give Granny some virtual hugs. I’m sure she could use them right now.

Someone needs a hug

30 Apr

And maybe a little more disinfectant….

go give Jay a hug (from a distance-she might spread the plague…) 🙂

The most beautiful birth story…

25 Apr

made me cry at work. Reilly Kate keeping the secret is the best part I think. Go here to read it. Bring tissues.

Go say Happy Birthday

7 Apr

Adrienne’s having a bad day.

Someone needs a spanking!!!

4 Apr






I found the bestest book today

3 Apr

and thought immediately of Eden:



The Hunting of the Snark

And zee winner is…

14 Mar
0.713553 Heathe 1 The Pulsate Olympic Winner for March is….

HEATHER! (It’s a great story that every woman would do well to follow) 🙂

Email me your mailing address, and I’ll try and get it out this weekend.

Stay tuned for April. I just got some really good books, and I’m willing to part with a few!

Go say hey!

8 Mar

Heidi has an incredible entry for the Pulsate Olympics-please go check it out.

I’m blown away by beauty, and I’m glad to say she’s blown me away. 🙂

I would be remiss

15 Feb

if I didn’t send everyone over to Heather to say


She just had a brand new baby girl named Irina (LOVE IT!) at home. And she’s lovely.

(As an aside, you should visit Heather anyway because she rocks. Just sayin.)

So go say HEY! Cute kid!