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I’m sick which means lazy

5 Feb

Jen shot me some questions on the “5 Questions” meme like, a month and a half ago, and I’m just now getting around to it. That tells you how quick I am with the email.


Plus, the sheer amount of meme tagging on Facebook has me going a little batty, so why not keep it going. And frankly, I’ve had the urge to write the past few days, but I feel too much like something you’d scrape from under a table to bother.


1. What would be your dream job and why?

Simply put, I want to be a midwife. The reasons aren’t deep or much beyond “Dude, I get to help someone be ALIVE!”. But the reasons are also knowing so many women who have had such horrid experiences with their births, experiences that don’t need to happen if people learn to back the fuck off 80% of them. Of course, I want to go into nursing first to have that grounding, but now that midwifery is becoming possible in my province, I might be a little closer to my 10 year goal.

2.  If you went into politics, what issue would you focus on? 

Mental Health. I think it impacts for more people than we allow ourselves to believe, and not just in the “batshit, needs drugs” sorta way. Making it “ok” to be sick in this way, developing a culture that understands that mental and physical health go hand in hand. A world where a difference in brain chemistry doesn’t make one a pariah.

3. What draws you to other people?

Not much usually. I don’t really like people, not in any intimate way. But if someone does catch my attention, it’s usually because of what they’re saying, reading or listening to, in that order. Intellect usually draws me in, and common sense. Pie in the sky only works if you’re high.

4.  What do I love most about my husband.

His ability to make me giggle, regardless of what’s going on. It’s saved my sanity many times, and allows me to step off my “this is serious thread. I is serious cat” stool and see the forest for the trees. SOMEONE has to poke holes in my pomposity.

5.  What is it that you love the most about yourself?

Depends on the day. My survivalism I suppose-nothing ever really, truly gets me down, aside from my own innate lazy streak.


Apparently there are rules;
“Want to be part of it?
Follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.”

Lamer than Joaquim’s beard.

2 Jan

I’m lazy, and irritated by new software not doing what I want DAMMIT.

So the year in review meme it is. Cause I’m lame like that.

January: “I used to like it. BEFORE it snowed for what seems like weeks, and I have to shovel it out tonight since we’re having stuff delivered tomorrow.” Last winter, the snow, OH the fucking snow….

February: “We have entered a new territory with Rosalyn. She’s bridged the gap between sweet innocent toddler and small devious child.”  Heavy on the devious still. And nekid. She will NOT wear clothes!

March: “My new header? Courtesy of Suburban Mum, who, frankly-RULES. She also made this in a few colors. Vivian was campaigning for the purple one, but I like the orange for now.” She made me some headers, which I might go back to using if I can figure out where I put them….

April: “This year, this April marks 19 years without my mother. With her, but not with her.” This year is 20. Hardly seems so long, or so far.

May: “On the bus I pass a bridge with that unfortunate year chiseled into it’s side.”

June: “I don’t believe in luck. I believe in hard work, perseverance, dedication, harmony.” See! It’s not all doom and gloom!

July: “The sun is back out!” Ah yes, the post where I said I’d stop writing soon, which if I had half a brain, meant I was starting to go mental manic for the summer again. How lovely. (and dudes-how SAD is it to be excited to see the sun in JULY…)

August: “They hate me.” I think I can actually chart my insanity on my blog. How novel. And August sucked ASS. Just saying.


In the new hole

dug free of the past

they dig and dig

for dinner, for dinosaurs

for cats.

October: “My anxieties are getting out of hand some days-before I talk to my shrink about it next week, anyone have any experiences with meds/therapy that could be useful to me?”

November: “I’m not even American and I’m excited.”

December: “Have more music. )

My word, is that? It IS a meme!

19 Nov

Seeing as I’m hard pressed to write about anything today, despite desire to do so, when this meme at Kelly’s caught my eye, I thought “Why the hell not?”

Yeah. Writers cramp or something I dunno….

7 things about me in high school. (drum roll)

  1. I was numerous people in high school. Srsly. I moved around through high school, attending three schools, two of them twice. I started out in my small catholic one a “niner”, bullied, kinda weird/kinda geeky. Just, you know, in high school. Moved to a small mining town on Lake Superior. Was THE weird girl. Avoided a few fights. Started smoking weed in earnest. Managed to get “asked” the leave. Moved to mid-size city in Southern Ontario on my own at 16. Blur of LSD-I had a large assembly of acquaintances, a few good friends. Still weird. Moved back to home town and returned to small catholic school where I was “weird girl who’s done stuff”. Never popular, but the other weird kids knew who I was. As I was almost 5’9 and wore army boots with short skirts, people more than not thought I was going to eat them.
  2. I managed to do a LOT of drugs. And still pulled off A’s in some classes. School was never terribly difficult for me. Except for Chemistry, which I only took for interest and because I needed a credit, so the teacher passed me.
  3. Didn’t go to prom. Went to my grad. It sucked, full off too many things my mother wasn’t there for. I spent the night of prom smoking weed in a park with my oldest friend. Much more fun.
  4. I loved writing essays. Seriously. It took me forever to get into the groove with the damn things, but I was writing 5-7k essays in one evening and getting A’s on them. Once I had my thoughts lined up, BAM! I’d head to a friend’s house to use the computer and I’d get it done. I still have many of these BS essays somewhere.
  5. I was a drama kid. I’ve sung on stage in Hebrew, I’ve been a bird (good lord don’t ask) and a bunch of stuff I can’t even remember (But sadly, seeing Allison’s blood stained panties when she was sitting like a boy with a skirt on? THAT image, from like 1993 will NEVER leave my memory.)
  6. I actually used the “it’s not you, it’s me” line on a boy. When secretly, it was that he was fat. He was the nicest, gentlest, sweetest guy, but dude was as big as a house, and I just don’t dig that. So I guess in a way it WAS me anyway….
  7. I did my major project in Grade 13 on the sexual behaviour of my fellow students. At a catholic school who wouldn’t allow condom machines in the bathroom despite multiple pregnancies. Most teachers I spoke too seemed impressed with the set of balls I had, but nothing bad happened. Sadly, I didn’t keep this one.

I wasn’t popular at any point, but I guess I had a mythos that followed me around. I remember being bullied by MISSY POULIN, who said I looked like a boy. While she had a mullet and looked more butch than an autoworker…..other than that, my size and attitude usually kept me out of shit.

What about you? Who were you?

I did a meme! And no, the armpit didn’t freeze over!

10 Jul

Since I’m inherently lazy and yet feel like doing something before I haul my lazy ass out the door for a walk with the kids before it becomes a sauna outside, I’m doing this meme that caught my eye at Eden’s


Accent: I’m Canadian. Doesn’t that count? I was born in eastern Ontario, moved to the Maritimes a few years ago. If I don’t sound like a Newfoundlander by now, I’d be surprised.

Breakfast or no breakfast: I’m nauseous for the first hour or two after waking up. Food before 10am is difficult.

Chore I don’t care for: Cat littler. Dishes. LIke doing laundry though.

Dog or Cat: KITTEHS! I like dogs like I like babies-with OTHER people. Dogs smell like dogs, they lick people, blech.

Essential Electronics: None really. While I enjoy the computer, the life of a luddite in the woods would suit be just fine most days. Although if I had a Kindle I’m sure I’m be of a different mind.

Favorite Cologne: I wear patchouli oil. Standard perfumes don’t “stay” on me, and make Mogo want to gouge his eyes out. Cologne in my experience smells like ass anyway-or maybe it’s just the morons at work who don’t understand SCENT FREE, especially the people who CREATED the policy who have ruined it for me.

Gold or Silver: Silver. Gold repulses me. Can’t wear earrings much though-most metal causes my ears to swell and get pus filled (what the hell is the plural of pus?)

Handbag I carry most often: My backpack. I hate purses. Although if the ones made by a local artist were cheaper, I could be made to change my mind.

Insomnia: If I’m manic-rarely to last the entire night. Instead, I’ll run on 3-4 hours a night for awhile until I start to lose my mind. Otherwise-I could sleep for days. I LOVE sleep.

Job Title: Survey Administrator. I gather data, and put it into other formats. I’m slowly hating my job more and more with each passing day.

Kids: Sadly. 2 small and smellies. I’m willing to give the oldest away at this point before I slap the smart mouth off her face….

Living Arrangements: I feel like I’m a flower in a vase with this one. Married to the love of my life for far too long, in a house that needs to burn down so I can afford to do the work on it.

Most Admirable Trait: If I’m loyal to you, I’ll move the world for you. Gotta earn it though. Otherwise, I’m actually a bit of an asshole.

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: I really wasn’t that bad, as long as hitting a moving car with a bike doesn’t count. Now me as a teenager….

Overnight hospital stays: Tonsils/Adenoids, a bunch as a child I don’t recall, childbirth. I hate the hospital for always smelling as it did the day my Mom died.

Phobias: Wasps/Hornets, Cars, breast cancer, weird neighbours-the list is long I’m afraid. The hornets is a big one. I’ve rationalized honey bees, but the rest-nope. And the lump is still in my boob-when do cysts go away?

Quote: Sometimes there’s no poison like a dream.

Reason to smile: I have great boobs. Really, I do. I amuse myself walking to work wearing a low cut tank and keeping an eye out for watchers. Not that it happens often. I think I stare at them more than others do.

Siblings: One adoptive brother, who I talk to frequently. One half sister who doesn’t get it and who is now out of my life. I can’t bother anymore. Seeing as I’m not terribly big on family, I don’t much care. Only if you like and give a shit about people can they hurt you. And my brother and I have never gotten along well anyway-7 years between us-within 3 days of him visiting I’m ready for him to leave. I guess that never changes.

Time I wake up: Work days-6:30, not working-when the kids rise from the dead, usually between 7 and 8 am. (You know, my vision of my adult life NEVER involved being awake before 8am. And by the time I can sleep that late again, I’ll be old and my patterns will have changed. ARGH!)

Unusual Talent or Skill: I can touch my nose with my tongue. I can pretty much sing a song word for word within 3 listens. 

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: Olives. Tomatoes raw. I will try everything at least once, but considering my toddler food habits, it’s surprising I don’t hate more.

Worst Habit: I bite off my split ends. I bite my nails. I roll my eyes a lot.

X-rays: Far too many. I walk into things. A lot. The chest X ray was cool a few months back.

Yummy Stuff: Gelato from the local candy store, despite the surly staff (and who the FUCK is surly working at the CANDY STORE!?!?!?!) Dark Chocolate. Slushies. ON a HUGE slushy kick lately-Cherry Kool-Aid if the machine is working.

Zoo Animal I Like Most: Sea Otters ad Giraffes. If I could be any animal, I’d totally be a giraffe. They’re so fucking AWESOME!

Six Degrees of Lovin…

12 Jun

In lieu of content this morning, a meme.

Eden flattered me by nominating me as one of her favorite blogs. Now i know I rock and all, but considering some of the sites I know she reads, I’m quite puffy to be picked as her favorite.

So….I now have to pick 6 of mine. I’m going to pick 6 that are pleasing me right this second, for reasons known only to me. Lately I’ve been doing more reading than commenting, and I feel rather bad. But it’s busy, stuff has been crazy and weird at home, and it’s summer. I AM reading though. Don’t feel unloved. 🙂

1. Bon at Crib Chronicles. Made even better by her voracious appetite for dessert.

2. Gabriel at salted lithium. Great story teller, and has been a great help and resource for me over the last little while. One day it’s silliness with you tube, the next I’m crying at work, wanting a time machine.

3. Hannah at Me and My Shadows. Cause she’s funny. And rules.

4. March at Sushi Chronicles. Reminds me to be grateful, and to laugh in the fact of anything.

5. BipolarLawyerCook-lithium cankle pictures. What more can a girl ask for?

6. Venessa at Radical Mama. Who does more in a day than I do in a week. And doesn’t whine about it.

That’s about all you’re getting out of me this morning. I was up most of the night with Vivian puking and Rosalyn thinking this meant she could wander the house, and wake me up when I was in bed so she could “see Mommy.”

Mommy needs latte.


Feed Meme

6 Mar

I liked this meme, stolen from Landismom.

Write about the first 10 posts you click on in your feed reader.

1. Abby writes a sweet post about how quickly life moves, and babies grow. Her newest is freaking adorable.

2. The Friendly Atheist made me snort water through my nose this morning. I want this on my pod at work.

3. Amigurumi Bear and Honey Pot! cuteness!!!!!! Stop having babies people so I can start making the little cuteness.

4.  The idiocy level hits an all time high in the US. Shocking I know.

5. March 14 is coming, and it’s Pi day! So eat some Pie! Like I ever needed an excuse to eat pie.

6. Interesting post about placebos. One of my paranoid nightmares is that I’m taking placebos and that I’m still nuts.

7.  Bubba’s unfortunate passing is creating some interesting marketing thoughts for the Bloggess.

8. Brooke is almost ready. And a LOT calmer (and nicer) than I was at 37 weeks during my second pregnancy. Brooke always make me feel calm, so that baby must be VERY mellow.

9. Carissa made some freaking cool cupcakes. I have trouble icing them plain. (Thankfully we have The Cakebox for that here.)

10. And the clown urinal. Just to make you look. Then say ew, wtf?

I feel like tagging some people now that I think about it….







Tagged…Music Makes the People Make Music

29 Nov

Why is it that No Post Day for Gabe means work for everyone else? How typically male is that?

 Anyway, I’ve been tagged:

Assignment: Think of THE song that most inspires you to write, whether it gives you an idea for a story, script or just puts you into a better frame of mind AND/OR peek into the lyrics and find a verse that sums up the theme of whatever project it is you’re working on. If possible, post a video of the song to convey to readers the full context of the song and the mood it puts you into. Finally, send the assignment to five other writers to do as well..


Asking me to select ONE song is like asking the Pope to pick just ONE Cardinal. In freaking possible.

See, I listen to music in very clear ways. Certain music is for walking, like Holy Fuck, Amon Tobin, Killing Joke or Made out of Babies. Some music is good for bus rides, like The Postal Service, Leonard Cohen, 16 Horsepower. Some again, is good for singing loudly and annoying children, fathers and husbands, like Regina Spektor, Laura Viers, Tori Amos or Sarah Slean. Some is good in the background during dinner, like Kronos Quartet, Crash Worship, Ruth Brown. Some is just plain awesome while crunching numbers and making Excel bow down in submission, like Converge, Horse the Band, Skinny Puppy, Jesus Lizard.

My point with all the name dropping is that aside from generally despising popular music (as in anything produced with an autotune because the chick cannot sing) I listen to a LOT of different music, and it all fits into different points in my day. I have around 70 albums at work and I’m bored with most of it. I need lots of different and new things frequently. And they have to be things that don’t suck. Which can be hard.

Unlike Mogo, I prefer music that invokes some sort of emotional response. He listens to music differently than I, and can listen, and interpret ambient works while on the bus. I can’t do that, but I can sing a song almost verbatim after 3 listens. (It’s a broadly useless talent). I need it to mean something, anything. Happy sad or mad, it must make me feel.

If I had to pick songs that help me write-PJ Harvey’s new album has been a huge inspiration in the novel I’ve been working at and hit a wall with.This song in particular, “The Piano”, really helps me get into the “zone” for Sus, the main character in my current novel, who is dead, but well, no one can hear her, you know, the usual dead stuff. She mours her family as they mourn her.

I’ve talked about this Postal Service song before, but it usually makes my brain jump around and think all happy and dream of possibility and want to write. Kinda like the end of The Breakfast Club-you know, that happy/sad beginnings/ending deal.

And one of my all time favorite banks, disgustingly prolific, The Legendary Pink Dots. I’m not always a huge fan of the newer stuff, but the older songs, ah….such stories unto themselves.

Now apparently, I need to tag 5 of y’all.






Seven Simpering Sniffles

6 Nov

Venessa decided to share the joy of a meme. Joy I tell you. Joy.

Ye old 7 weird things meme. Haven’t we already covered weird with me? Ad nauseaum? What more could there be to tell?

I’ll give it a shot anyway, but only because I like Venessa.

  1. When I was a kid, I’d chew my toenails. True story. I was nearly flexible enough to put my legs over my head, and I’d regularly be found leaning against a wall, with my legs every which way reading. I should get back to doing that.
  2. I am terrified of bees. For absolutely no reason. I gibber in terror when I see them.
  3. I hate french. To me, it’s the most irritating language I’ve ever heard.
  4. I’ve been high enough to not only hallucinate seeing someone, but to have a conversation with them. (It was about then that I started rethinking the amount of LSD I was taking)
  5. I hate eating chicken off the bone. It either needs to be boneless, or I chew around the bone. Don’t even get me started on the cartilage issue.
  6. I named a cat Booger after watching Revenge of the Nerds too many times.
  7. I never wanted siblings. I have an older brother who I’m not very close to, and I never really cared that he was around. But unlike many children, I never ever wanted a sibling. I just didn’t care. I guess you can say the seeds of hating other people were planted early. Remember-I’m not prejudiced-I hate everyone.

So. Now I have to bless 7 other people with this. Sigh.

On being and living.

Charming Bitch

Sushi Chronicles

Metal Meredith


Bine (she asked for it)

That’s all I got folks. Sigh.


17 Aug

So I, being the attention whore that I am, asked CamiKaos to grill me. (Hey-it’s a post at the very least, cause I’m lazy)

Here’s what she asked me.

1)  You are a self proclaimed tattoo snob, I love that about you, now to the question:  How did your interest in tattoos come about?

I’ve loved tattoos since I was a little girl, the way most kids love barbie or puppies. My father had this guy names Jeremy working for him, doing janitorial stuff around his store. Jeremy was my girlhood inspiration for what someone “cool” would look like. He was weird. He was funny. He was nice to me. He seemed so grown up!

He had this incredible (or at least it seemed incredible to me) dragon piece up his right arm, and of course, had his nose pierced. (Late eighties and all) Did I mention he was always super nice to me, and let me follow him around and basically annoy him?

He solidified my belief that tattoos don’t make people bad, and that “freaky” people are much much cooler. He was always so nice to me, and not in that “your Dad is my boss” way. He just was a nice guy. Of course, my Dad didn’t think so when I asked him if I could go get a tattoo.

Later on, after my mother died, I started identifying with more and more with the things I saw on the fringe, since tattooing hadn’t quite made it’s way into the common lexicon just yet. And I saw a small tattoo in a magazine I kept on my wall for years-it was merely the word “Re-Birth” in script on someone’s arm. It inspired me to believe that we can be born again within ourselves from what we experience, and that we are not set in stone.

One tattoo did all of that.

They’re also my way of honoring places I’ve been, people I love. Inscribing my on my body is the closest to divinity I’ll ever come.

2)  The other day you   said “Sometimes I know I do not deserve them, that they are mine by pure accident” of your kids.  It gave me pause to wonder if you think of life as an accident or as an organized event.  Why does what happens, happen?

To begin with, I refer to my children as accidents because they are. We hadn’t planned on any children, let alone two. But I do believe that they are something we “let” happen. After 5 years of marriage, together yet not a team, something had to change one way or another. I choose to believe that creating life together was the good path.

I think of life in terms of choices, roads we take or don’t take. At every major point in my life, I can look back and clearly see two roads, or maybe three that could have been taken instead. There is no wrong choice. Just different ones. Since I don’t believe in a god, I tend to make a more person based approach to what I believe in life-we govern our choices to the degree that we can, but everything is connected. My choices at a certain point were influenced by love-being with my husband figured predominately in many of my choices. Not “what does he want” but more in a “what do I want” way.

I believe there are accidents, and there is some sense to the chaos we live. Each is wonderful in it’s own way. Surprises are nice sometimes.

3)  What is truly the best Nick Cave song ever, and, is he better on his own or with those Bad Seeds?

This would be a great question for Mogo, who LOVES them, but I prefer him with The Birthday Party actually. (And now I’ll be singing Zoo Music Girl All. Day. Long.) I do want to see that movie he just did awhile back as well.

4)  What is the most evil children’s toy on the market today?

One? Aside from the irritating ones that Mogo buys?

I hate Bratz dolls. I hate how stores are set into “girl” sections and “boy” sections. I hate that I get asked “Do I want a boy or girl toy” at McDicks. It’s not so much the toys I hate as it is the world of toys my girls grow up in, and the constant battle I have in countering the gender brainwashing. Vivian got a cabbage patch doll and a superhero for her birthday. Which is how it should be. There are no BOY or GIRL toys. THAT is evil.

5)  What does blogging do for you?

Whew. Save the big deep one up for last.

Right now, it provides a very needed outlet for teh crazy in my brain. I feel so alone within my disease sometimes, so isolated and detached fro m people who actually get it. I have so very few sources of support. Keeping an identity online helps me feel real-helps me get rid of the bile coursing through my veins, and helps me stay grounded. It makes me smile on the bad day, makes me laugh. It lets me remember that once upon a time, I had some talent to fall back on. It occasionally reminds me that the talent is still bottled up there somewhere. Waiting.

So. That took care of me deciding what to post this morning. 🙂

If you’d like to be harassed, here’s how.

Interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview Me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.


10 Jun

Since I’m waiting for the small and loud to wake up from her nap before we go to the mall, and I don’t feel like doing the dishes, here’s a meme I was tagged with from landismom

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:
Whee! All The Way Home

Melanie in Orygun

Mommified Me

Bumblebee Sweet Potato

Spin Me I Pulsate

There are questions:

What were you doing 10 years ago?
-I would have just fallen in love with Mogo, and would be graduating high school FINALLY, and waiting to see if I was accepted to the creative writing program at Concordia. (I wasn’t, so I went to the University of Waterloo, until I, you guessed it, dropped out)

What were you doing 1 year ago?
-Waiting to finally see a shrink to get my offical bipolar II diagnosis. Bracing myself for the inlaw invasion.

Five Snacks You Enjoy

-yellow corn tortilla chips with marble cheddar
-date oatmeal cookies
-fruit, granola and yoghurt in a bowl

-klondike bars with breyer’s ice cream
-really cold (but not frozen) green seedless grapes

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To-

-Almost everything by Tori Amos
-America-Simon & Garfunkel
-Tecla-PJ Harvey
-Teen Titans Theme Song-Puffy AmiYumi

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire

-half away for investment/RRSP
-take my father to all the places we want to go (Ankor Wat, Machu Pichu, across Ireland, Tierra del Fueg0
-get the oldest Grimm’s Fairy Tales I can find
-macbooks for every room
-hire personal trainers and housekeepers. And a personal backscratcher.

Five Bad Habits

-I bite my nails
-I don’t exercise.
-I like yelling
-I hate showering
-I will wear the same thing until it wears out. I hate new clothes.

Five Things You Like To Do

-watch movies. With NO TALKING.
-read Fantasy novels
-buy magazines
-sit on my deck in summer

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again

-anything Polyester
-my 20 hole army boots which were .5 sizes to big to begin with 
-full pantyhose (stockings only, thanks)

Five Favorite Toys

-my children
-my laptop
-my discman (I’d lose a MP3 player)
-crochet hooks
-pretty, pretty yarn (The Wul House, I love you!)

Now apparently I have to ask 5 other suckers peeps to do this.


Heather at Amerimama

Marcy at Becoming Three

Miss Pudd at Capillary Fringe

Roxy at Daisybones

and my Evil Mommy Compatriot

Enjoy. More random crap we all would have lived without knowing.

Bloggy de blog blog

31 May

 So my dear Bon nailed me on this one. And since she’s actually close enough to drive across the bridge and beat me, I guess I should do it.

 Your mission: Give these questions a stab in a post, and then tag three more writers. If you don’t mind, please link back to this original entry—we’d LOVE to track the progress of this meme with trackbacks.

1. Go back to first or early post. How would you describe your voice back in those early days? Who were you writing to? What was your sense of audience (if any) back then?

Do we really need to even go there? When I moved my blog from blogger to wordpress, I left a few things behind. (This was when you couldn’t import from the beta) Because frankly, they were embarressing and rather painful. I was stumbling around, looking for what I wanted to voice. Many of the “mommy” blogs I encountered in the beginning were annoying and painful. I didn’t want to mirror that. But I wanted to talk about my experiences, what my life has been mad of.

Initially I had two blogs-one that focused on mothering, and the other that was more “just me”. Then I realized that I couldn’t separate the two, or that I shouldn’t. So I moved everything back to here.

I really didn’t have a sense of an audience, or a desire to find one. I just wanted to talk, and be heard by someone, somewhere. It took awhile for me to settle into the persona I wanted to portray online.

2. Do you remember when you received your first comment? What was it like?

The comments I remember as being meaningful are the ones that echoed my experiences-other women talking about their losses, their pain with mental illness, their distaste for their children at times. Those comments mattered. Sure, it’s nice to receive oodles of comments on mindless posts, but to what end? That always plays out as a popularity contest, and I’ve found myself being more interested in impacting other people.

3. Can you point to a stage where you began to feel that your blog might be part of a conversation? Where you might be part of a larger community of interacting writers?

When I started writing about my experiences with post partum despression, I found a nerve that was exposed but not seen. I found other women who had been there, who didn’t apologize for it, who accepted it. Writing about my struggles with motherloss and bipolar has also helped me feel more entrenched in a world of sorts. Often I look around and see these things compartmentalized-but I am not a compartment. All of these pieces, these issues, tie into one thing. ME. Finding others who viewed me as such helped me think that maybe, somehow, I was adding to the conversation.

4. Do you think that this sense of audience or community might have affected the way you began to write?

There are things I don’t talk about, but it’s more because people I know in real life read this site, and I just don’t want to deal with certain things, despite how much I’d like to write about them. But those things are rare. I find myself holding back only when it comes to my own personal criticisms of other bloggers-things I find repulsive, or petty or childish. There is no point in putting that stuff out there, just for the sake of doing do. I don’t think the community I find around me would really want to see that.

Mostly, I’m my same stupid self on here that I am otherwise. A little more verbose and well spoken perhaps, but my same dorky self. I tend to suffer from foot in mouth disease rather than being too quiet.

It’s a problem.

Apparently, I need to tag 3 people. Sooooo…..Eden, Stuntmother & Netter, you’re IT.

Tagged, again

23 May

and since I feel like shit, I will actually do it. IMAGINE!

Tagged by Goddess in the Groove for 8 things you don’t know about me. (Hell, is there anything you DON’T know about me?)

  1. When I was a kid, I could chew my toenails. (That’s so gross) I was flexible enough. I think I still am flexible enough to do this. But I won’t.
  2. I cannot draw a straight line with a ruler. I don’t know why, I just can’t. Never could.
  3. I collect tacky souvenirs. The tackier, the better. Recently my boss sent me salt and pepper shakers from Mr. Rushmore. They sit on my desk in their awesome glory. I also have a Texas Snowman and a very large drinking cup from Las Vegas on my desk. I figure asking for schlock takes the pressure off. And it’s usually way cheap.
  4. I only started drinking coffee at 16. I was a steadfast tea drinker up until then, and the only reason I started drinking coffee was because they came with free refills, while tea didn’t. I still love me some tea though, especially Vanilla Rooibos.
  5. My biological grandfather’s name is Grover. How cool is that! I resist the urge to play the “near-far!” game with him though.
  6. I hate makeup. The most I will wear on a special occasion is mascara, maybe a little eyeliner. Aside from a weird arty goth phase, I’ve always found it to be far too much effort. And as a friend said once, I don’t need it. Although I’ve noticed that you don’t need it if you don’t ruin your skin covering it in crap.
  7. I can’t stop while skiing or skating. Which can be quite the problem if you’re barreling down the bunny hill and there’s a fat chick learning to ski. Just sayin…
  8. I cannot stand midlife crisis Mama’s. If I see one more chick trying to look like they’re 18 when they are at LEAST a decade beyond that age, I’m gonna lose it. Somethings are meant for 18, not 30, or 40.  Walk away from the sparkles. (And I LOVE sparkles). Stay away from the stores marketed to the 13-18 segment. Your body is not meant for it.

There. 8 things you never knew, and were DYING to know I’ll bet.

I think I’ll nail….



and my new friend Weedragon

I’m too lazy to do anymore…

It’s raining. Again.

19 May

I still have this cold. It’s dug in like termites I swear. I sound like an old lady who smokes filterless camel’s. Although I would welcome a productive feeling smoker’s cough right about now.

It feels like it’s been raining forever. I know it hasn’t, but when you’re stuck at home with small children feeling like hell and needing to do some work, everyone watches too much TV, and I end up feeling like mother of the year. What did mother’s do without TV? Cause today, it’s my BESTEST friend.

I have nothing to talk about today, so it seems like the perfect time to do a hated meme as tagged by Oh the Joys.

What do I love about myself? (hahahaha someone has a sick sense of humor this week.)

  1. I make pretty kids.
  2. my ability to navigate. I AM the map queen. Unless my FIL is driving. Which is a problem unto itself.
  3. I get everything I want. Eventually. It’s kinda cool actually.
  4. I can touch my nose with my tongue.
  5. I can make really REALLY good bread. I’m a great cook actually.
  6. Within 3 listens I can sing any song word for word. (unless it’s crap, then my brain doesn’t listen)
  7. Chaos follows me. It’s a niche, if nothing else.

Who shall I tag…….

Not So Pregnant, What’s your name Mommy?, By hook or pointed stick, Magdalena’s Revenge, Me, Molly and the Moon, Sleepless in Cologne, Solo Mom. And anyone else that feels like bragging on themselves.

And a reminder. Just leave a comment to enter the Pulsate Olympics this month! That’s all! No real effort required! Really!

One last one, cause I like Karrie

22 Mar

trinand cause I’m busy and have nothing much to say.

Karrie bothered me for this meme.

list seven songs you are into right now. No matter what they are. They must be songs you are presently enjoying. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

BUT, for a twist, I’m going to update this through the day as I listen to various things.



 Currently digging the Second Movement of Symphony 8 “Spritual Anarchy”. Blame Mogo for the Branca. It’s damn freaking good though.



Stars: Set Yourself on Fire:

I borrowed this from a friend awhile ago, and still haven’t given it back. (But in my defense, she still has all my TV on the Radio). “Your ex-lover is dead” is the BEST song on this album, if nothing else for the line “I’m not sorry, there’s nothing to save”. So sad, so sweet, so awesome and CANADIAN!

3. Oleander: Sarah Harmer-Actually, all the songs clips there rocks, but this is off the latest album, which I liked, and need to actually buy. (Mogo, out of principal born from hating Tori Amos, hates Sarah Harmer. But that’s ok, because I can’t stand Lightning Bolt.)


Sugar by Made out of Babies was one of my favorite songs last year (despite being released in 2005) It’s just a fucking incredible song from one of my favorite bands lately.

 Of course, any chick singing this type of thing usually makes me happy. This is the music I would make if I ever had started a real band. (Note to Mogo-buying me this and their other album Coward would be much appreciated.)

5. Tori Amos: Twinkle


I sing this to my babies as a lullabye sometimes, along with Thank You and Upside Down

god i love to turn my little blue world upside down
god i love to turn my little blue world upside down
inside my head the noise
chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter
you see i’m afraid i’ll always be
still coming out of my mother
upside down

I’ve been through a lot with Tori Amos.

6.Suzanne Vega: Bad Wisdom


If you’re a survivor of sexual abuse, you’ll get it.

Mother I’m cut at the root like a weed
Cause there’s no one to hear my small story
Just like a woman who walks in the street
I will pay for my life with my body

7. World of Skin: I’ll go there, Take me Home


Memories of another time. Remembered because Mogo found it online.

I’ll tag people tomorrow.

Another meme? Surely you JEST

21 Mar

I’m only doing it because Kat basically dared me,  and I like anyone who ties their kids up.

For the Real Moms meme thingy.

Real moms…

fart at work. But less often now that they have a neighbour.

worry about bloating, and worry about worrying about it in front of their daughters. They worry about allowing irrational weight/ass size/tasty food loving issues to have a place in their lives and home.

think about how many phone calls they’ll recieve about their daughters beating up boys once they start school.

think it’s cool that her kids will grow up thinking the internet, cell phones and women’s hockey have always existed.

still listen to metal.

still hate to do the fucking dishes.

Real Moms don’t know how to do math. Or makeup. Real Moms eat rice cakes because they like them.

Real Moms cry in front of their kids.

Real Moms aren’t ashamed that they have an illness. Real Moms find joy in the fact that even the darkest cloud has silver linings. Real Moms worry about their daughters having the same illness.

Real Moms worry about the example they set. Real Moms let their kids watch back to back movies when hungover from a semi-yearly vodka binge. Real Moms love their flubber.

Real Moms sit back and laugh.


I’m not tagging anyone, but feel free.

Since I never do meme’s….

15 Mar

Take the list below, paste it into your own blog, put READ next to those you’ve read, WANT TO next to those you are interested in, AGAIN & AGAIN next to those you’ve read and can’t stop, and leave blank those you don’t care to read. (I’m adding “MEH” for stuff I read and wasn’t impressed by)

Stolen from venessa

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) Again & Again

4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)

12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)

14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) WANT TO
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)

16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald) AGAIN & AGAIN (AWESOME!)
18. The Stand (Stephen King) READ
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte) AGAIN AND AGAIN
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger) AGAIN & AGAIN (In high school. Give me a break)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) WANT TO
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel) WANT TO
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) AGAIN&AGAIN!!!
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) READ
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis) READ
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert) AGAIN & AGAIN
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks) WANT TO
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) AGAIN & AGAIN
34. 1984 (Orwell) AGAIN & AGAIN
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley) WANT TO
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant) AGAIN & AGAIN
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible MEH
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)

48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck) MEH
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) MEH! PAINFUL!
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card) WANT TO
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence) AGAIN & AGAIN
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood) AGAIN & AGAIN
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger) WANT TO (ALmost bought this on the weekend actually)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand) AGAIN & AGAIN
63. War and Peace (Tolsoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) READ
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis) READ
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) WANT TO
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) READ
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez) WANT TO
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett) READ
76. Tigana (Guy Gavriel Kay) READ (mostly)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith) READ
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving) WANT TO
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence) AGAIN & AGAIN
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)

81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley) READ
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck) MEH
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind) WANT TO
85. Emma (Jane Austen) READ
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams) WANT TO
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) AGAIN & AGAIN
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields) WANT TO
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer) AGAIN & AGAIN
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje) WANT TO
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding) AGAIN & AGAIN
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)

94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd) WANT TO
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum) WANT TO
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton) MEH
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)

98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

I don’t read a lot of “popular” fiction. Want a good writer? Steven Brust comes to mind. Octavia Butles. Alice Munro. Robyn Sarah. I also have a weird obsession for “garbage” books, like Jeffrey Archer and David Eddings. Stuff that has ok characters-the book version of a TV mini series.