22 Nov

In the litany of a long day, a long week, it’s hardly anything I can speak to. But it backs me against the wall, too tired, too worn to resist, overwhelming me where I should be inspired and smart.

It’s the usual, the always complaint, the never ending rush of a day, the socks and the dirty floors and the disappointment of a child told, yet again, that there’s just no money for that, yet there’s no time either, not with work and housework and trying to fit all the pieces together, the wool puzzle shrunk until it’s just not quite right. The exhaustion comes from knowing I do this on my own, watching in sore envy as others have family, friends to surround them, to understand and make it better. I have but one person in my life I can lean on, and that is not fair to them, this seeming dependance, this need.

So I do need to be strong. I do need to pack it all in, shudder that quavering breath and march off to another day of letting my soul slowly wither because children need to eat and mortgages must be paid and one needs new shoes and the other pants. Somewhere in there, there might be a few dollars for me, but even that is riddled with guilt and hate because it’s not important and really shouldn’t be.

When I say I’m tired, it’s not the tired you can resolve in a few days sleep. It’s the tired that comes from knowing the future holds nothing different, just more of this battle, a little worse, a little better. But forever this stretching agony.

So I am weary, and coming to a point that, just like the elastics I wear in my hair, may mean that I cannot return from whence I came.


3 Responses to “Stretched”

  1. Marcy November 22, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

    Ugh, what an uncomfortable feeling. I hope some hope finds you, some confidence that either something will change, inside or out, or that rest finds you and replenishes.

  2. Cheney November 23, 2011 at 3:25 am #

    You say a lot of the things that I am too afraid to say on my own blog, because sometimes the truth is ugly and hurty. That’s why I love coming here, though.

    And yeah, having to try to explain to kids why you can’t afford things for them sucks. Way more than I ever expected it to. I wish that hadn’t had to happen at such a young age..

  3. Natalie November 24, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Can I be honest without you hating me? And without inciting the rage of trolls?

    You CAN let other people in. It’s a choice…it’s not an easy one, but it IS a choice. You can’t make a new biological family, but you can make a new extended family.

    …and you did it for several hours last weekend and I saw a spark that I hadn’t seen (or read) in awhile. It burned slow at first, then peaked and then I saw you retreat again. I suspect this is difficult for you…but I saw it happen.

    You CAN have other people to lean on, tell you it’s gonna soon be better, or just simply to sit back with and say “fuck, yea, that sucks, what can I do?”

    It’s not as simple as just “letting them in”….but in a way…it actually IS as simple as just letting them in. Finding people you want…to be around…can be challenging and can be a long process. But the reward is oh so great.

    These networks of people aren’t built over a day, a month or even a weekend…but they can be built. Mortar, blood and sweat…their resilience and support can strengthen even the most fatigued.

    Something to think about….

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