Detrius

12 Jan

I’m clumping around in my head, a dense thicket of the 4,153 things I forgot to do, the zombie dream with the giant gorilla hand from last night and the taste of orange kool-aid. Occasionally I hear a small whimper, something along the lines of

damn it’s crowded in here.

And as Homer once said, I hear myself mutter “Shut up brain or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.”

So busy, and yet so not. So weighted from my own expectation, and yet so afraid to be free of them.

A week to myself. And yet I only have 3 pages of writing to show for it, a few more paced out in my head. Returning to my old habit of speaking IN the character helped, but I just cannot focus. I feel like I’ve broken a mercury thermometer and I’m racing around the room trying to pick that shit up.

I say I write, but it’s a lie. I dither, I dream, I think, I see my characters dressed in long ratty scarves, carrying rucksacks like the one in my closet that smells oddly of salami. I see their world, cold and barren and yet, I cannot scratch it out.

Life is not a scratch ticket I tell myself. It’s not a matter of rubbing at it until finally some day, you’re rewarded.

***

I’m riding the bus with Vivian to the mall to spend my last 20.00 on laundry soap and school lunch things when she looks up and sees the newest anti drug campaign.

So Mom, the pills you take for your back, those are drugs, right?

“yeah huh.”

“Are they bad?

{pause to have a totally freaking out OMFGit’s one of THOSE parenting moments second. breathe. Breathe. What do I make up? What do I say?}

brain interjects-she’s SEVEN. Please, keep relevant.

“Well Viv, they could be.”

Quizzical, I call BULLSHEET look from 7 year old.

I sigh. “Look, you can abuse anything-food, people, drugs, beer. We do drugs every day-I have coffee, your grandfather smokes. It’s all about moderation. And some drugs are really bad for you, like meth like on the poster, or cocaine.”

More of that look.

Before you ever try anything, talk to me, or your father. Between us we have….experience. Not everything is bad-but a lot of it is NOT good, and can hurt you.”

blink.blinkblinkOKblink.

Fuck. I’m not cut out for this shit. Cause in my head I’m thinking of the time we all sat in Char’s bedroom and smoked a MASSIVE amount of weed and laughed and laughed the entire night-we didn’t hurt anything or anyone, just had fun together, stupid kids. But how do you contextualize something that is still illegal? How do I convey that I don’t agree that weed is a nasty evil plant while also conveying my utter abhorrent view of hard drugs? How do I ever explain all the acid?

“Just…just don’t ok?”

Shrug. “Ok….Can I get a new Bakugan at Wal-Mart? Please?”

Why do these moments always come between rushing somewhere to buy something I’ve forgotten and trying to just enjoy some quality time with my offspring? Why do I never, ever know the answer? Why can’t I bridge that place between holy SHIT drugs fucking RULE and YOU WILL END UP A CRACK WHORE ON YONGE STREET DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!

Why can’t I find the middle ground?

***

I was also this week reminded of how much of a GIRL Rosalyn is. In her pretty pink dress which she picked out, coloring in her numberless Hello Kitty books, she’s drawn to the pictures of weddings, princesses, all those “ladylike” things I, and her older sister snicker at. She refuses to play outside unless bribed. She wants her hair blown out and put up in clips and pig tails. She wants more pink, more fluff.

She’s absolutely fucking beautiful, and while I don’t understand her, I do love her, every pink frilly piece of her. The triumph of nature over nuture amuses me every single day.

And yet I dream of zombies…

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5 Responses to “Detrius”

  1. tysdaddy January 12, 2011 at 10:30 am #

    I’m just getting back into reading blogs. And I’m reminded today how I’ve missed you …

  2. Jennifer January 12, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    The whole girly thing is blowin in the wind here. One day, its princesses all the way…pink..girly girl stuff that I can’t relate to at all. The next they ARE mario zombie hunters.

  3. Margie K January 17, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    I think you answered the “are drugs bad” question appropriately.

    The “don’t just don’t” reminded me of Nancy Reagan’s “just say no,” which I thought was ignorant of the likely context. If you’re at a party or gathering and weed (or anything else, for that matter) is offered to you, a simple “No” may not be adequate. But I think there’s plenty of time to deliver the nuances, the explanations, the opinions, as to why some drugs are pretty much always bad, some can be beneficial when prescribed and monitored by a doctor, and others are OK “if you’re an adult” and use them appropriately (but when you’re a growing child or teen, then can be potentially dangerous).

    For most parents it’s easier to deliver the message a la “Mr Mackey.” Which means they’ll get to the point where they’ll see through the narrow-minded message and be susceptible to peer pressure that much sooner.

  4. kasia quinn January 21, 2011 at 3:46 am #

    I spend my time in toronto driving around in a very old jeep that has pirate flags on it and has on the front side door “toronto zombie disposal dept.”

    Clearly I relate to your zombie dreams.
    I am also a single mom of two boys, working in the mental health field. I’ve been reading your blog for what seems like forever (you might kind of know me, as the silent K)

    Anyway, its nice to visit you again after not having visited you here in awhile, and like always, I read your words and smile and nod.

    Your parenting experience is SO SIMILAR to mine.

    So solidarity single mama psych surivor bloggin woman love to you,
    K

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  1. Tweets that mention Detrius « Spin Me I Pulsate -- Topsy.com - January 12, 2011

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Thordora, Thordora. Thordora said: shit on the brain, but cute kids… http://bit.ly/hysuXN […]

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