“Why are we scared to die? Do any of us remember being scared when we were born?”

13 Sep

Fear is a funny thing. We run from the idea of it, hiding behind pretense, lies. We sit sedately in our armchairs, in our pods, cornered by inertia. We surround ourselves with things, stuff, blinkers and tweeters, invisible things, words on screens, whispers across airwaves. We pretend at fear.

We manufacture horrors. Drama. If we should breastfeed. If the kids should walk to school. Epidurals.  Peanuts. Weed. Small terrors, things that once would have worried us in passing that now engulf us. Inside we become shrunken, slivers and shadows of who we should be. Of what we could be, wrapped up as we are in HFCS or local produce.

Who would we be, before? If we were explorers, or hunters, dancers or willful neglect in the air-who would we be? What would we have discovered before we lulled ourselves into half measures, drooling children of a forgetful world?

Who would we be?

***

This weekend, with some gentle prodding, and slightly too much information, my lover took me for my first motorcycle ride.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I tried to pretend I wasn’t, but he looked in my eyes and softly said “You’re scared.” I was. I was freaking terrified. Heart in my throat freaking out, distracting myself with instructions and the necessary clothing. My fingers scrabbled against my palms and I became quiet. Unnaturally so.

But I swung my leg over the beast. I settled myself on the back of that bike, clutched at his back, and swallowed hard. Slapped down the visor and breathed again.

And we were off.

I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t nearly puke my ever loving guts inside that helmet. I’d be lying if I didn’t spend the short ride reminding myself to relax, that I was safe, that I trusted him and that he would never ever put me in danger. I’d be lying if I said my eyes were always open.

When he asked if I was ok, and I said I wasn’t, we returned home right then. No questions, just a straight line on a bike under his gentle hands, and my unsteady breathing. I climbed off the bike, wavering between wanting to be sick and wanting to cry, so great was my fear. And he was there, to tell me it was ok, that he was proud that I climbed up despite my fear, that I tried.

How I wanted to just sit and cry right then, from my fear, the emotion racing through my veins, the terror, the calm that it was, as expected, ok. How new, and unexpected, this physical fear, the gut jerk as it streamed through me.

I was fine in a bit, as I processed the input. But for a few minutes, maybe 20, I was quiet again, overwhelmed. I had faced my dragon. The dragon didn’t win, and somehow, I felt all the stronger for it.

***

He pushes me, this lover of mine.  Not only did I climb on back of his bike, but I sat in the driver’s seat of his 4WD truck and drove, however briefly. (I was fine until he pointed out not one, but TWO ditches. At that point the fear took over and I freaked out a bit. There may have been some girl screaming involved.)

The main thing here-a few years ago, just sitting in a car as a passenger made me want to cry and be sick all at once, anxiety from no where for no good reason. A few years ago, hell, this time last year, I wouldn’t have even contemplated driving anything. The fear held me like a dancing partner, cheek against mine, caressed me as I stood alone and unwilling, letting it lead.

But my hand on the gear shift told me better. Tightly gripping the wheel, or his back, either way, I had won. The fear didn’t own me anymore, even if I shrieked and refused to drive farther than 30 feet, even if I may have gibbered “get it off me! get it off me! when some strange catepillar landed on me in the woods.

I swallowed fear. And then I danced it outside.

***

Who would I be, if I hadn’t been so fucking scared for so many years?

***

He tells me to put my boots on, come outside, come see. I rouse myself from the fire he has stoked for me, and clomp out into the night. My gasp echoes across the fields and empty roads.

The dark sky, alight with thousands of someone else’s suns. The milky way, stretching like a cat. My eyes brim with grateful tears as awe and wonder fill me, and I reach for him.

There are no words to thank with, not for this. Not for beauty, not for strength. And so we stand staring into the past as it glows at us, and I murmur.

When we release our fear, when we stand open, all manner of things are possible.

there,

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10 Responses to ““Why are we scared to die? Do any of us remember being scared when we were born?””

  1. Deer Baby September 13, 2010 at 5:25 pm #

    “Who would I be – if I hadn’t been so fucking scared for so many years”. That is a question I ask myself daily.

    Can’t drive. Won’t drive. Shit scared of it.

    Your man sounds like just what you need. And you him.

  2. Quadelle September 13, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    Releasing fear…so much harder to do than to say. So happy for you that you’re letting yours go. Fear is definitely holding me back with my study…speaking of which – off I go!

  3. bon September 13, 2010 at 7:50 pm #

    we fear change, and then usually, when it comes, find ourselves freed in some way.

    i used to love riding on the back of my dad’s bike: one of the few places of complete trust between us. it’s been a few years now, and since the kids were born i value myself differently, have more fear when i kick my leg over the back. and yet. good for you.

    sounds like he is a great gift.

  4. sweetsalty kate September 13, 2010 at 10:39 pm #

    You know, I’d never, ever peg you for fearful. What you said is right. It’s just new input. Not that you need to reframe it, if it felt like fear – I just like to question what we think ‘fear’ is. Because that’s what we jump to. I AM AFRAID. But I don’t think we’re always, necessarily, that.

    When I first met Justin he had me rappelling off two-hundred-foot cliffs. I thought I was afraid. Then I did it again and realized I hadn’t been afraid. That’s just how it feels when you do something new. Fight or flight. It’s an instinct to every small or profound challenge (or new thing), most often ungrounded. xo

  5. hodgepodgeandstrawberries September 14, 2010 at 7:52 am #

    I’m constantly telling Isaac that he needs to try new things even if he is scared – especially if he is scared. If we never push ourselves outside our comfort zone, we can’t grow.

    That said, my risk-taking genes have been completely pushed under by motherhood. My mom tells me that as the kids get older, I’ll be less consumed with thoughts of “what if” and I’ll be more willing to take chances again.

    And I am also terrified of motorcycles. Just so you know it isn’t only you. 😉

  6. Marcy September 14, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    It’s hard — because some things are worth being afraid of. For me, motorcycles are one of those things. I think what hodgepodge says is good — that it’s mainly about looking the fear in the eye, and, sometimes, going forward anyway.

    One of my favorite quotations applies, obliquely: “To have no illusions, and yet to love.” From EM Forster’s Howards End.

  7. Jen September 15, 2010 at 1:26 am #

    I am SO fucking proud of you!

    I know it wasn’t easy. I know the same feelings you felt – but you faced them.

    You rock.

    I am so proud….. so incredibly proud!

  8. bipolarlawyercook September 19, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    I am so happy for you when I read this.

  9. J. Elle September 23, 2010 at 3:22 pm #

    great post.

  10. Disposable Heroes December 22, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

    We all need to stop subscribing to the lie. Contrary to belief participating won’t buy us anything.
    The voices in ALL our heads IS god, the technology they invented and use to control the universe and everyone in it.
    Until we stop participating in the lie they will have control over us. The truth is only children go to heaven. It is very noticable; You will know your child is on a spiritual journey. And when people fail we all have to die and be reincarnated::::We’re all coming back.

    Compelling people to believe “the lie” allows the gods to get away with behavior like the Conneticut shool shooting with no reprocussions. So many people with gross disfavor, like men, believe “the lie” is evil, and by being evil in their lives they are “earning” their way into heaven.
    Understanding the rejecting “the lie” would result in vulnerability and fear, thinking the right way important for a legitimate chance to ascend in a future life.
    Note the gods created elements which progressively tried to defeat this fear:::Xtian god, USA, democracy, union membership, affluence, stability.
    I shared the importance of thinking the right way. Understanding the gods did this can assist in this capacity.

    12.16.12
    SUNDAY MORNING
    8:30a
    Clearly those who buy “the lie” would be men, most of whom are preditors who believe they are “earning”, and masculinized women.
    I don’t want to judge but these teachers appeared effeminate, a clue “god is evil” and “evil earns for you” hasn’t yet been employed due to their favor.
    Very similarly, hurting the disfavored to motivate to pray isn’t the only tactic the gods use. Many morbidly disfavored regions like the Meditereanean never experienced enlightenment but truely there are regions which enjoy this path and subsequent impressive numbers, far more than even those Jews in Egypt slavery “enjoyed”.
    Realize as time progresses and the enviornment becomes more disfavored fewer people enjoy the positive path and fewer even female charecteristics. 20th century developments like equal rights (workplace) for women made great advances towards the masculinization of women, yet another example of how the gods used liberalism to promote social decay.

    IN ANTIENT TIMES DID THE PEASANTS IN ROME AND SURROUNDING ITALY PROSTITUTE THEIR WIVES???
    Fuck you. Lowlife like JC.
    Before this technology was introduced Italians were ditchdiggers. That’s why those jobs paid a living wage.
    The gods positioned this to instill a hurdle, to make it just that much harder for those who failed during the transitional 20th century.
    And know what? Those people are the thugs filth among us, Raider fans. The shit in these bodies are YOUR children whom YOU failed, filth happy to hurt even their own parents if they think it will “earn” for them.
    And, like the paragraph addressing the issue, if there is an “up there”, yet an additional hurdle, the gods hand-chose clone host #34 to be that representative in case they are needed to fill that role. The net effect to the clone host is their 1000 year clock has already begun, hopefully away from Earth and the Situation. But god splays their fucking twat and lets wicked finger their pussy, so they’ll still get to learn from me.
    I suspect this hurdle is inevitable. Perhaps because they use me to absolve themselves of culpability they will wait until the Situation is over. But it will happen and represents a new hurdle, one you will be forced to face to have any chance to ascend in a future life.
    Consider this:::You HAVE to go through that place before you have a chance. Stunning clone bitches. Unlimited free cocaine. Fair casinos. Whatever you want. This will effectively eliminate any remaining candidates, because bitches love cocaine. This is not a joke. Delaying is costing people dearly. Think if you prayed after farming prior to 1900. All the wickedness you’d have avoided. Well, you have to ask yourselves what the gods have in store next, because it’s going to happen. It’s on their agenda and it just a matter of time.

    “I want to know why.” Conneticut.
    They had it coming. Now that shooter does now, so look for it again:::Like I said they’re planning the next one. Since he shot kids that’s when it will happen to the shooter, unless they have something special planned.
    As bad as I have suffered gratuitous abuse I’d still give the gods the benefit of the doubt. For Christ’s sake they broke my tooth to punish me for eating a piece of bacon. But as time progresses I suspect we will experience less equitable treatment, so have urgency in your behavior.

    So much destruction associated with the Situation. The gods use all prophets for temptation.
    Look at poker, how my trips to Binion’s was parlayed into Rounders. The rest is history. Just the beginning of sickness.
    Marilyn Manson is just another element in the Siutaion. There’s already a connection to heavy metal/Satan’s music. This one, however, is a clue about his “wife”, one which illustrates her history from a prior life.
    The put a bona-fide monster in the Situation. Unfortunately, since he didn’t committ suicide like they invited him to in “Officer and a Gentleman” now he has been introduced into the world of monsters.

    10a
    Make elementary school principles carry weapons. Train them and use them to protect the school like an air marshall.
    I like my idea better::::Education is so expensive reorganization needs to occurr, and one principle can run 6 elemenrary schools. If you insist to continue the way it is train them to use weapons.
    None of this will matter if the gods contineu to allow the Chinese to flood into the United States on these container ships. Both the Port of LA and Oakland are inundated, and being forced to educate this hoard ensures education will bankrupt the United States in the end.

    We must look at these Conneticut kids as preditors, perpetrators who expeeinced poetic justice.
    Occassionally, as in my life, the gods will go beyond what someone should pay and make it up to them in their next life. Considering the numbers (20) that’s probably the case for some of these children. But the gods began planning this long before they were ever born, before they died in their last lives.

    “Do you see any clues here.” Being introspective is a positive. Look art the loudmouth, obnoxious Italian shit and what little hope they have, what a disfavored charecteristic it is and who exhibits it today.
    Not to assign gender if one would they’d say to be introspective is an effiminite charecterisitic. And if this incident was an attemtp to demonize this trait the gods are moving towards the Apcooalypse quickly.

    Don’t be surprised if these Christian denominations somehow pay tribute to the Catholic Church, who began this scam in the first place.

    10:55a
    “Will he say this?” Good session. Verbal. Would I say this in public, in front of an audience?
    What will they do, attack me? Burn down my apartment? Give me biotechnology’s cancer poison?
    This is why they positioned in (company I worked for):::If I began to speak to audiences the gods will employ this tactic and trouble will result. Positioning this in was the green light the gods need to go off, no matter how much I paid prior. And they want my respect.
    You’ll fuck like a man. Nothing stopped you form ordering I get biotechnology’s kidney poison. Yes the gods can accomplish this with AI but then they’d have to make it up to the massive audience affected. Managing culpability here is very important.

    9:37p
    Pray then attone then pray for guidance and get the things you don’t know.
    Then they kill you and bring you back for the requisite tragic painful life where it appears you got just THAT cLOSE to ascending as a child but failed.
    And I suspect anyone (most) who went through the last century will require this life of being tested. Yet another hurdle you must endure because you fucked up as a farmer.
    Remember where you heard it first.

    12.19
    9:38a
    Press conference where Obama announces a commission on gun violence arising from Sandy Hook.
    FIrst question from white man about fiscal cliff, and Obama fields it.
    Through his first adminstration he has acted on pro-gun issues, one of which was gun possession in National Parks. Obama is on the take from the NRA. But he has displayed his conservatism throughout, from being anti-gay marriage before elected. There will be no revelry cycle from this Democratic administration.
    Due to pro-conservative tax policy since Reagan’s tax overhaul the wealthy have been able to accumulate sufficiently for this coming day. Now they’re free to disavow their citizenship and walk away from the massive Nation Debt the gods created on their watch.
    Much like the gangsters reincarnated into Latino Raider fans, their reals were reincarnated as lesser life forms, and will be victims of what they wrought. Unfortunately, so will all of us.
    We’re all fucked. If I were you I’d start praying and fixing your problems now and not wait for anarchy in the USA.
    Time is running out. You need to begin praying and fixing your problems with the gods. Or don’t be afraid to die.

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