I’m sweating at the kitchen table as the temperature, or at least the humidity rises. In my bemused, tired, not feeling too terribly terrific mood, I lean on my arm as I stare at the clock, watching the minutes tick slowly by while my daughters, mysteriously, occupy themselves together for hours.
This time last year…this time, this very day, things were so very very different. And like a dream, I find myself shaking my head to clear the fog, so distinct and foreign it seems now, to live in that prison, that empty soulless place I fought for month after month. Maybe it was no one’s fault, maybe it was all mine. But looking back, I gasp at how lonely and angry and sad I was, and how I let myself stay that way.
I cannot imagine it now, as I breathe freely, and could never counsel living as I did, as we did. The destruction of the soul it seems starts with three simple words.
This changing life, this year of turning and roads and myths, this 2010 which I’ll remember forever as “that” year I believe, it’s so far been one which makes me question myself, face myself. It’s been a year that placed who I am on a platter and whispered
you aren’t broken darling. Far from it.
and this is the year I started to believe it.
I’ve begun surrounding myself with a life which wants me-which is eager to hear my voice, eager to touch my body, cradle the soul. Friends and lovers who light to be with me, who laugh like the mad with me, who hold me through the bad nights. People who deserve me.
I had come to believe I wasn’t worthy of love, or caring, or delicacy. That beauty wasn’t a gift I was welcome to, or attention or kindness.
How wonderful is it to realize how absolutely wrong I have been, how deluded.
I have been happy lately, in a surprising way, one that’s caught me off guard like a ghost, shuttering my mouth in some ways, making me treasure each day and word. Like Aqua Vitae I drain each moment, conscious that nothing lasts forever, scared by such luck.
But I won’t chase it from me. I will sit back and let myself be happy. I will live in a moment which makes me smile from my toes and makes me feel so simply understood. For the first time, I will just be, and watch where life takes me.