Slivers

4 Jul

I meet someone and he makes me smile but he doesn’t make me laugh, not the way you used to, when the laugh would burble up from my toes and break across me like spun candy glass.

I meet someone else and they almost get it, the joke that plays around my lips but then I notice, they don’t, not really, and they don’t catch my eye to smirk and maybe chuckle a little.

Their hand down my back catches the soft spot at the bottom of my neck, but forgets that little place behind my ears.

Goddammit, they aren’t you. But, neither are you, anymore. And I just don’t know how to grieve a ghost that was, but isn’t.

***

My SIL, or ex-SIL or whatever the hell I call her now was married today. I’ve never met the man, but in their pictures they look delirious with each other, blessed with that commonality that is love, stars in the eyes, a future paved before them. I envy them this, I envy her this thing I could never quite have with her brother-a future, a tomorrow. There were never plans, and that I’ve come to realize, is what I truly wanted. Goals, dreams, a blueprint for a future together. I may miss the 20 year old who could make me smile, or the 25 year old who clung so tightly to his daughter, but we never had this momentum, content somehow to just mosey along like a summer day in a canoe.

Until we weren’t. Until we both got itchy for something different, for a tomorrow we wouldn’t see together.

I want to stop wishing it was different. I want to stop wishing I could go back and change who I was, who we were. I need the answers to stop appearing now, all the ways I could have changed, all the things we could have stopped 10 years ago, 5, 2 even.

It’s over, and I don’t see that changing, no matter what happens. Time, combed over like ashes on a dying fire, can’t be brought back.

***

Somedays the sweetness of my memories sustains me, remembering that once we were golden, and did indeed love each other fiercely. Other times, like tonight, when all I can do is remember his voice in my ear, or his arms around me as I drifted off to sleep, I want to erase it all.

It would be less like slivers in my heart.

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8 Responses to “Slivers”

  1. Neil July 4, 2010 at 2:37 am #

    I’m sorry for the sad night. I’ve never been a believer in “soul mate” nonsense. There is always someone else, who won’t fit the same way, but a different way.

  2. sweetsalty kate July 4, 2010 at 4:41 am #

    Neil said exactly what I wanted to say. xo

  3. De July 4, 2010 at 8:28 am #

    Time can’t be rushed forward either. You’ll get to the future, and someone will be there.

  4. Marcy July 4, 2010 at 9:36 pm #

    Combing over time’s ashes won’t change what happened, but it’s still an important part of metabolizing what happened.

    You’re grieving well enough.

  5. Hannah July 5, 2010 at 9:32 am #

    Echoing Neil and Kate.

  6. krista July 6, 2010 at 1:41 am #

    Moments like these do eventualy get further apart. It takes time. Someday out of the blue you will be doing something and think “wow this reminds me of….., wow its been awhile since I thought about that.”

    I’ve been divorved 15 yrs. But every now and then I come across something that takes me back. I don’t wonder anymore about the “could haves”. After this long it has faded to a memory that might make me smile to myself.

    So all I’m trying to say is what you already know. It will get easier.

  7. Bon July 7, 2010 at 7:55 pm #

    i wanted the plans, too, i realized after the fact.

  8. thordora July 11, 2010 at 11:00 am #

    I forgot to say thanks guys. 🙂 You help me dance for the future as I should.

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