Toy Review, and Giveaway!-Hard Throb

2 Jun

This is the point where, if you are easily offended or otherwise may be traumatized by TMI on my part, I ask you to step away, and look at this instead.

For those of you still with me, this is a review of the Hard Throb by Doc Johnson, kindly provided for review by Eden Fantasys.

There comes a point in every girl’s life where a tiny little play toy doesn’t necessarily cut it. So, she starts looking through the dubiously named “realistic” dildo section. I don’t particularly remember reality having penis’ as large as my arm, but hey, whatever works. I’m a bigger girl, so I prefer a little girth. (and dudes, it isn’t length that matters. It’s girth. Girth doesn’t try and knock your cervix through your teeth.) So I poked through the section, read a few write ups, felt my eyes widen at the sight of a few.

And then, I decided on the Hard Throb.

This is a vibrating dildo, which takes, oddly, C batteries. (Or maybe I’m just used to owning tiny toys…) Measuring 7  or 10 inches long, (I got the 7 inch version) and 5.5 inches around, it’s not so big that you think you should be asking for an epidural, but not so small that you hear yourself again in high school thinking “is it in yet?” Fun was had by all.

A little while later I had both batteries and a partner, and so Hard Throb reemerged from his little box. While I’m not a huge fan of vibrating dildos since they tend to smack of “jack of all trades, master of none”, I was surprised at how nice the vibrations were. Multi-speed with a dial base that’s easy to maneuver, it did a fine job getting me to a nice fever pitch. However, I’m really not a fan of vibrations inside the vagina-I mean really, a penis doesn’t vibrate when you’re having sex after all. That being said, it could still get things shaking in all the right ways.

I enjoyed it. I mean, really, it’s pretending to be a penis. It served it’s purpose. What more could you ask for? It’s nicely rigid, which I appreciate because seriously, if you’re trying to rub one out before bed, and you’re having that fantasy involving RDJr, a grassy field and some rope, who wants a floppy dildo? (what? You don’t have that dream?)

Actually….I didn’t read carefully enough, and when I got it out of the box I went UGH.

Rubber.

The kind of rubber that is insanely difficult to clean, and that sticks to things. The kind of rubber I dislike. Sure, it warms up nicely. But do you have long hair? Know what long hair, or cat hair, or fuzz in general does together? They hang out. They smoke weed and then they DON”T LEAVE like that twerp your little brother used to hang around with who always stared at your boobs.

And it just makes the entire thing not at all worth it. I feel like I’m storing the Mona Lisa when I clean it and put it away, which frankly, ruins the sleepy buzz you were trying to get in the first place. A little clean up is one thing. Fiddling in the dark,trying to not put it down anywhere….feck.

Based on that, I wouldn’t recommend this toy. There are plenty of other vibrating and non-vibrating dildos that won’t make you work so hard, or tell you that you should likely keep it covered with a condom to make it last longer.

I’m lazy. I’d rather save up for something glass truth be told. But, if you don’t mind the extra work, the Hard Throb is a perfectly serviceable toy for the price (selling at 28.99 plus shipping).

Now, because I’m awesome, I have a little treat for you. I have as 25.00 gift card for EdenFantasys to give away to whomever can share, Jezebel style, the worst sex story. (As is, he was terrible. He told stories with his hands, he wore a hat and socks.)

I lost my virginity to a french guy in red bikini briefs. I don’t think it really gets too much worst, aside from surprise butt sex. But please, spill. You can do so anon so long as you leave an email I can reach you at.

So go ahead. Let me hear about it. 😀

ETA: YAY! Hannah! You win! 😀

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18 Responses to “Toy Review, and Giveaway!-Hard Throb”

  1. ifbyyes June 3, 2010 at 3:11 am #

    Okay, this is not my story (although on some level I wish it were), but I feel it is worth sharing for a laugh by all.

    A friend of mine once dated a guy who enjoyed making his hand into a little hand puppet and having the hand puppet make snide little comments. It was some kind of in-joke with his friends. It had a voice like a cross between Yoda and Golem and would sometimes be used to comment on attractive women passed in public.

    THEN HE BROUGHT IT OUT DURING SEX.

    Ask yourself if YOU could continue after your man had formed his hand into a puppet, said “Mmm, boobies!!” and started nibbling your nipples.

    • Stephanie June 8, 2010 at 11:10 am #

      *raise hand* I’ve done this. In fact, I may have married this guy 😉

  2. jen June 3, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    I’m a little surprised at you, frankly. You say “worst sex story” and I wonder how many of us immediately think of our rape or abuse. Way to trigger, thanks.

    • thordora June 3, 2010 at 7:47 am #

      Well I’m sorry, but considering the tone of the post, I really didn’t think you’d jump to something other than “the dude did this dumb thing”. And combined with the title…? I’m reviewing a sex toy, not writing a dissertation on sexual abuse. So…not sure what you expected.

  3. Natalie June 3, 2010 at 9:08 am #

    OMG I have so many “bad sex stories”. I am a walking sexual calamity, true story.

    Here are a few which I nominate….

    1) In grade 10, I met a guy at the Milli Vanilli concert in Shediac (OMG, I can’t believe I admitted to being there), we got drunk, we hooked up, and I gave him a handjob in his tent and a hangnail somehow got caught on his penis….and ripped it apart. When you are drinking….a ripped penis is NOT a good thing (not). I stumbled out of the tent…in his white Labbatts gym pants (yes, another truth) and saw that his penis was bleeding…..and he commenced telling everyone that my BRACES got caught on his penis while I was giving him head. It took every fibre in my being to not punch him in the junk. I ran away and have never seen him again.

    2) I got caught….by my father in law….while I was riding the pony. He walked RIGHT IN…..(I immediately dove under the covers) and instead of leaving….he stayed, to chat awhile. I tried to will myself to have a heart attack and die…under the blankets. I didn’t. We played golf that morning and every time I hit a long drive my father-in-law made a snide comment about how morning sex affects your golf game.

    3) I once had sex with a guy whose penis was so small that I actually had to ask him what was going on (because I could obviously not feel anything)…and then he started to cry. Honest to god….he cried. He was from Cape Breton….and every time I go to NS I cringe at the thought of bumping into him on the street. GAH!

  4. Jennifer June 3, 2010 at 11:57 am #

    Yeah, like Natalie, was caught by the future father in law.

    Think teenagers, still in school. Glen had mornings off, and I made a habit of going over to “wake him up”.

    One day, the music was going and I was just discovering how to get my first orgasammm…..I was on top…no sheets anywhere…..completely naked….and in walks the father in law.

    He left the room.

    He then sat in the living room, where I had to walk past him on the way out the door (skulking I may add).

    His ONLY comment on the whole situation?

    Was that Glen wasn’t wearing a condom.

    OK. THE MAN LOOKED!!!!

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    I’ve blocked that out until now. I still try not to remember it. Its been 20 years and I still blush like crazy when I think of it.

  5. Hannah June 4, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    See, this will teach me to say “ooh, I’ll read that post later”, because I had some stories, and they were at least mildly entertaining, but noooo, we’ve already got a winner.

    I gotta say, buying a dildo that needs a condom? Um, doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose?

    • Hannah June 4, 2010 at 7:48 am #

      Oh, wait! The “we have a winnah!” link was for a different contest! Oh crap, now I have to come up with something…

      Hmmm….

      OK, in university I dated a very nice Catholic boy from Cape Breton. He had one sexual partner before me, who was a very nice Catholic girl from Cape Breton, and so his world had never been rocked.

      I on the other hand started young, read a lot of girl-porn, and liked to experiment. So when him and I hooked up, well, let’s just say I respond well to praise.

      A few months into the relationship he went to New York on a business trip and came back with presents. Apparently he’d been dying to try various toys and implements for some time but was too embarrassed to buy them in his country where someone who knew his vast extended family might see him.

      I have never before or since put a bright blue rubber cock ring with a battery-powered vibrator on a human penis. I hope I never have to again.

      Anyway, we were at his place and he swore up, down and sideways that his roommates weren’t home. I was feeling pretty darn good about how slavishly he adored me and I wanted to reward him for being so adventurous, so I really poured it on. We had some extremely loud and very satisfying sex.

      Next morning I walked into the kitchen and his roommate – plus his girlfriend and some other frat-boy hangers-on – burst into applause. Because they had all come home and were listening to the whole thing. I never lived it down. That was 13 years ago and TO THIS DAY, I’M NOT EVEN LYING, when I bump into his roommate on the street, he gives me this totally “hey hey hey dirty girl” look and starts snickering, even though we are all parents in our 30s now.

      Outside the bedroom I’m actually pretty prudish. I still have a hard time being vocal during sex just in case random roommates might hear me.

  6. Bon June 4, 2010 at 10:07 am #

    once upon a time in Turkey, i met a tough, witty Aussie plumber in a jean jacket. it was February and cold in the hostel, we were the only two tourists in town. it was kismet. until we got nekkid and he reached out with both hands – dude was in his thirties – and squeezed my breasts like he was trying to honk them. or like he was twelve.

    the vibe, uh, dried up. but as it was freezing, we still shared the sleeping bag for the night, bless his honky little heart.

    • Natalie June 4, 2010 at 11:32 am #

      “honky little heart”……I will use that today, thanks Bon!

  7. Gabriel... June 5, 2010 at 5:04 am #

    …okay. It was 1992, and my girlfriend at the time — lets call her Mary — and I were setting up to watch a movie in her parents basement. We turned off the lights, got on the couch in our pajamas, with a blanket and a big bowl of popcorn. Just as the movie started, her mother decided she would join us. She sat in the large chair just across the room.

    About ten minutes into the movie Mary (actually, that’s her real name) started using her hands, and the butter from the popcorn, to “pull my goalie”, so to speak — I also spent some time with my fingers inside her. After several long and difficult minutes, during which I had to explain a scene to Mary’s mother, I released.

    That’s when things got really weird.

    Mary then started eating the popcorn using my cum as topping — a few times looking at me while doing it, which still blows my mind. At some point the big ass bowl of popcorn got placed on the foot stool near the middle of the room. Close to the end of the movie, which I think was Barton Fink, I looked over to see Mary’s mom enjoying a handful of popcorn. I’m pretty sure that’s all she got.

    I’ve got a lot of Mary & Me stories…

  8. Stephanie June 8, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    I’m going to share mine and then go back and read. It was “sex” in a broad definition (as in hand job). I was 17 and he was 18 and I still can’t figure how we were doing this in a man-on-top position (on a sofa) but we did. And right as he was about to come… slump.

    I thought he had come and it just wasn’t so noticeable to me yet. So I kind of laid there and put my arms around him and eventually I was like, um dude, my arm’s asleep. The minutes were ticking by and I’m outright whapping him and going, “Get off!” Which he might have replied, “Huh huh, I did, huh huh.”

    Then it hits me. “Oh my god, I’ve killed him.” With a hand job. I hadn’t done The Queen Mother of sexual activity yet so I was thinking, “If I killed a guy with a hand job, I’m never having sex.” Plus I can’t get to the phone to call 911 b/c hello! he’s on top of me. Now his arm is hanging off the side of the sofa and I’m thinking that what I’ll do is I’ll roll his ol’ bones onto the floor, see if he’s breathing, etc. and then I’ll have to call 911 and explain, “Well I was jerkin’ his gherkin…”

    All of a sudden he came to and said something like, “I have to go to the bathroom” and he went and jerked off like he had always done to that point.

    Saddest part of the story? I kept dating him for about another month. But he never fainted again b/c I outright refused to give him another hand job.

    • Hannah June 9, 2010 at 2:01 pm #

      OH MY GOD. Winner. Seriously. Anyone who can induce fainting with a hand job… yowza.

  9. sweetsalty kate June 9, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

    Oh my god, still cracking up at that popcorn. That can’t be …. topped.

    • Hannah June 10, 2010 at 7:27 am #

      Boo-urns!

      I can’t believe you just made a cum-popcorn pun. Maybe YOU should win. 😉

  10. Holly June 10, 2010 at 11:55 am #

    I’ve got nothing… anything “bad” ends up in giggles around here. But I just wanted to say that this post and comments have MADE MY DAY. 🙂

  11. Sandra October 1, 2010 at 4:45 am #

    I swung around and dropped to my knees in front of him. Staring up at that delicious looking cock; well, I almost went down on it. I didn’t, not then; but I would, and not so many days from now either. But, for now, both Dave and I would have to suffer through with only my hands. Hey but, he sure wasn’t complaining. Poor me was conflicted; I wanted to make him cum, and I wanted to play with his big cock some more too. That’s why I asked him what Anita was up to. “Well, she’s still talking, and checking out the house real regular like. Shit Clea, your hands are magic. Hey, she’s back lying on her back with three fingers going to town on her pussy”. Meanwhile I’d been alternating slow strokes with real fast ones. I’d give him some of one, and then the other, and all while teasing his balls with my other hand. There was cum collecting where his cock’s head was split. I couldn’t resist; hey but, at least I thought about resisting. Go girl; so for the first time I flicked my tongue out over a man’s cock, and collected my little treat. My pussy was on fire, and clenching like I was about to cum myself. Maybe I did, I really don’t know for sure. I was like in a frenzy or something; and my fist was just absolutely slamming up and down Dave’s cock. I saw his balls jump; and then he was practically screaming out “Fuck, fuck, oh fuck sis, I’m going to cum”. Oh my God, I wanted to bury that thing in my mouth so bad. But, I settled for darting my mouth in close, and opening it around his cock’s head. And, I was just in time to take his first huge eruption. That one landed way back in my throat, but I got bunches more splashed right in my mouth. When he’d finally stopped spurting out that delicious stuff, I did swirl my tongue around that cock’s throbbing head. So, I had just collected the last of my first real mouthful of a man’s cum; and you damn well better believe I knew it wouldn’t be my last. Seeing Dave on his knees panting; well yeah, this girl felt like the world’s wickedest young free6 bitch. It was the sound of the kitchen door that snapped me out of my reverie. Shit, I was still licking Dave’s cum off my lips as I intercepted Anita before she could reach the den.

  12. Pet Bounce August 20, 2011 at 10:48 am #

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