“If you don’t create change, change will create you”

25 May

I want to be alone. I want the gloriousness of a bed to myself, hogging all the pillows. Picking all the paint colors, never having to share the ice cream with another adult. The joy of wandering off somewhere on a Saturday afternoon, just to see where I end up.

I want to be loved. I want someone’s arms around me, their breath hot on my neck. I want to see myself reflected, want to share my world with them, my bookshelves, my dreams. Learn to run together, learn to cook, learn to love. Wake up lazy weekend mornings in the sun, like cats.

I want to share. I find myself intrigued and pulled towards a world where love doesn’t end with two, where my thoughts and dreams and wants are tied to two, where all my little hippie dreams play out, and each little part of me is warmed and full. I envision a life full of the green of this earth, the blackness of it’s dirt and the swelling of my own heart.

I have to pick just one?

***

I’m so not good at this. One day to the next, I don’t know what I want.  A partner maybe. Or just someone to play with. Or a situation far removed from what’s considered normal. Or no one, just me. Then I miss arms to hold me at 2 in the afternoon on a bad day or someone to share a inside joke with or just spend the night talking with and I realize I feel like I’m missing an arm, but have absolutely no idea how to figure out how to find one.

I’m socially inept. I’ve been broken inside in a multitude of ways, and am only now realizing how fucking less than zero I have felt, how hideous I believed myself, and still find myself believing if I’m not careful. I had come to believe I was ugly, an worthless, and unfit to be loved. And who wants that? Who wants to be near anyone who believes these things? Who wants to talk to someone who spent years believing no one really wanted to hear what she had to say, that no one cared enough to hear what she actually thought and believed?

I feel as if a lion has taken up residence in my throat, and is finally learning how to speak.

But I still feel so bloody hideous some days, so unworthy. I cast my eyes down if someone looks my way, and don’t wish to burden them with a visage so revolting.

This is why marriage scares me so, the thought of commitment again. Because it has scarred me in ways I never would have seen, and somedays I wonder if I can ever scrape off the scab to let the new skin grow. Because I have come out the other side feeling so horrendously minimized, made to believe that my desire for a life beyond the now, my desire for dreams and love and togetherness were wrong, naggy and bitchy. And sometimes I feel so weighted down with it all, the staggering size of it, and how tiny I feel compared to it.

I am not perfect. But I know I am not the waste of time and space and love that some would let me believe. I am not her. I have never been her.

But how do I convince myself of this?

***

I can’t imagine telling a guy I like them, not without clear input on their end. I can’t imagine having the nerve to just ask a guy to dinner, my mind’s eye telling me, showing me how they’d laugh with their friends, call me fat and ugly and stupid behind their hands, needy and wasted. How I would again be unworthy.

I want to love again. I want to actually BE loved.

But where do I start?

-Have you started over again? What’s the secret? Extra points to answers from people who aren’t already blessed by the gene pool. My fat ass works against me….

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20 Responses to ““If you don’t create change, change will create you””

  1. Neil May 25, 2010 at 11:06 pm #

    I feel your emotions with those words. No advice. You know you will love again.

  2. angelynn odom May 25, 2010 at 11:45 pm #

    I know how you feel. I’ve been there, I am there. I’m afraid of never feeling like I’m worth anything. But then there are those days you can look past all of the shit and pain and see the version of you that exists outside of the nastiness that has been forced upon your shoulders. It may be brief but it exists.

    I wish I could offer real advice. On a good day I have no problem telling it like it is. I can be honest and confident. On a bad day all I can do is hide. I trust that you’ll find who you’re meant to find or they will find you. Things always seem to work out in the end. It’s this painful bullshit middle that’s a pain.

  3. Bad Mummy May 26, 2010 at 2:04 am #

    I know this feeling exactly! And I’m 3+ years out of the marriage.

    Just today I was thinking that what I want is polyamory. But my primary partner is ME, which includes my commitment to parenting my daughter w/o anyone or anything encroaching on our relationship and fucking with our dynamic.

    I don’t want a domestic partnership. I’ve been there and done that and I have no idea how to have one that doesn’t fall into gender stereotypes. With the nit-picking and the shared decision making over the color of the towels and other such bullshit.

    My ideal: a man with his own life who respects my desire to live mine w/o explanation, compromise, negotiation. A father figure to The Mook. A man who has no desire to share an address and is willing (and happy to) maintain our own residences, but sharing as time and space allows. Is this crazy?!

    The worse part? I can’t even be bothered to look for said man, because I’m convinced he’s not out there. But at the same time, I won’t waste my time with the casual sex and the flings and misc and etc, b/c I feel it just distracts me for searching for my ideal. All or nothing.

  4. Lillie May 26, 2010 at 3:02 am #

    I wanted to be that woman cherished with the “diamond” of her dreams and loved in spite of myself, yet, what I got was empty memories, blown away dreams and self-disgust. I want to love again, but more than wanting to love again I want to live again. I want to live without fear of needing to be loved, fear of not being loveable material or that I am a burden. Let your light shine! I am sure love will find you once again.

  5. Bon May 26, 2010 at 8:30 am #

    when i started again, it was with an old friend, who knew me to my core and did not find me ugly or wanting, despite the then-very-evident brokenness. and we started from entirely different expectations than we ended up with: i am still surprised we manage to live together.

    i can only say that those of us out here know YOU like that, in your beauty and complexity. but i know the virtual is not quite enough.

    love.

  6. niobe May 26, 2010 at 9:05 am #

    This makes me want invent some vapidly optimistic cliche. For example: “You can’t start over. But you can start again.”

    But you know what I really think.

  7. Linda May 26, 2010 at 11:37 am #

    The question we all have and the answer we all want. Maybe step outside yourself and don’t over think this. Love will come again, we don’t know when but we trust that it will come.
    Hmm, sounds like a bad fortune cookie 🙂 but you did ask.

    PS You write beautifully.

    Lind

  8. Linda May 26, 2010 at 2:14 pm #

    LindDUH!!! (Linda)

  9. Nemo May 26, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

    Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

    When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.

    At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

    • thordora May 26, 2010 at 7:27 pm #

      Fabulous advice. Thank you. 😀

  10. Marcy May 26, 2010 at 11:43 pm #

    I relate to the fear of taking risks only to find you’re ridiculed behind your back (or to your face).

    Gotta do it, though.

    Hold tight to the promise that you are not what the ridiculers think you are, no matter how stridently they laugh and point.

    Trust your wisdom and intuition to tell you when it’s a good idea to step back or move forward — and trust your immovable essence that a wrong step, while seriously painful, is not going to destroy you or ruin the rest of your life.

    When fear gets me, it’s often this fear of being wrong. Fear of being wrong about who my friends are, or about how I use my time, or about how I parent, or what I believe, or what I think about myself. And I’m trying to learn, and train myself, to not fear being wrong so much. Being wrong is not the catastrophe I fear it is — especially in cases where there is not enough evidence, and no possible tools, for identifying wrongness beyond any doubt whatsoever.

  11. liz May 29, 2010 at 9:28 am #

    Okay- here was my pragmatic approach to starting over…….

    After I divorced, I was really interested in evolutionary psychology. It fascinated me and I have since concluded that most of it is pretty much right on. I didn’t want to be alone so I kind of followed what I learned to set out to snag a new mate. I also read lots of books about relationships to try to best understand the dynamics that play out. I got into really good shape by working out a lot, new clothes, hair etc. because I had let myself go a bit after having had 2 kids (who were 2 and 5 at the time). I was so tired all of the time from having had them (hormonal stuff) and the 24/7/365 childcare plus working that I didn’t put much into my appearance.

    I delved into evolutionary psychology because I was trying to figure out why my husband seemed to have lost interest in me. He had taken over my dad’s business and we were doing well financially. Hmmm…..within several months of the business taking off he started hiring young attractive college co-eds to work in the office. My books (David Buss) told me that his mate equity had increased and he was on the look out for an upgrade and younger model (hmmm…..politicians who become powerful/famous and dump the older wife obvious scenario). Also, my books told me that once people mate and have kids “mother nature” kind of drives them apart with a waning of interest (Oxytocin has a dampening effect on sex drive etc.) to compel us to go out and mate again. Anyway, it was a cold hard explanation for why my husband basically lost interest in me but this is a cold hard world and I kind of accepted it.

    Now that I know that bitch Mother Nature’s rules, I try to play by them. So to answer your question…..I sweetened the honey pot and set it out front to see what would come around. It worked. I remarried a guy who is 5 years older (another evolutionary tactic at work here…I wouldn’t go younger) and I’m happy.

    I know it all sounds very cut and dry and unromantic but in my experience evolutionary psychology has provided me with many answers and a nice blueprint to play this Life game (especially when dealing with LOVE). I had a morbid fear of being 55-60, poor, working my ass off, sickly/tired, and alone and this is what motivated me to do what I needed to do to get back in the game and play for keeps.

  12. bipolarlawyercook May 29, 2010 at 5:56 pm #

    I’m thinking of #8 on your list and how I’m (mostly) happily married except that I feel that way too, only really discovered after we’d married and my fumbling attempts at explanation were met with a really scared look– and considering all the other help, solace, laughs and consolation he does provide me with. The other needs? Well– they just go unmet.

    Your wish to be alone and yet together with someone is something I very much identify with, and I’ve no advice to offer except to be completely honest with whomever you meet so all your needs are met when you do meet someone you might want to get serious with. And I do hope you do– do have faith you will sometime. I do hope it’s at the right time, and soon.

    • Liz May 31, 2010 at 6:56 pm #

      Yes, some needs will always go unmet. Marriage/relationships never provide a utopia but it does have its advantages. I love my husband but the initial exciting passionate stage has subsided. We have mostly good times together but also some rough times. Real life things like his addiction issues which heavily run in his family, a recent failed business, dwindling finances, him having a hard time finding a job in our area (possible relocation), and my severe PMS depression every month. The key in our marriage is that we both want to make it work enough so that we keep working at it. It takes serious grit and determination at times. At the end of the day, it’s no utopia but we cling to each other in this crazy world. There are times when I wonder if we’ll really make it together. He’s a good man though and his intentions are pure- he loves me. It’s just never easy and there’s always the inevitable messiness of life- life is never easy. Just never never never settle for someone who is not willing to meet your needs. That is toxic and a dangerous drain on your life.

      • Liz May 31, 2010 at 8:51 pm #

        Oops meant to say….never settle for someone who is unwilling to meet your most important needs. I go by the 70/30 rule. If 70% is working in the relationship, then it’s worth keeping at it.

  13. k May 30, 2010 at 2:57 pm #

    there are such things are smoking hot fat chicks, my friend. i happen to be one of them. i have been coming to yr blog for maybe a year now and yr intelligence and insight are sexy beyond belief. trust yrself. smile. take extra time doing yr hair in the morning. cry. go for walks. take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. start a new relationship with yrself and know that your weight really doesn’t take away from who you are or who you can be with. you can be a curvy, stretch-marked sphinx with pride!

    • thordora May 30, 2010 at 10:22 pm #

      Wow. Thank you. I needed to hear this today. 😀

  14. Suebob May 30, 2010 at 7:52 pm #

    If you find a solution, let me know. After my last relationship, I am TERRIFIED to be in another. I had the same deal as you – I was told and shown I was worthless in a thousand different ways. My favorite was the question he asked “What ARE you good at?” which was later turned on me as “God, you can’t even take a joke…”

    So I have trouble believing, too – both that I am worthy and that it won’t happen again. I have been very happy alone for 3 years and I am so reluctant to change that. Either a really super guy comes along, or I start investigating getting some cats.

    • thordora May 30, 2010 at 10:21 pm #

      oh sweet fuck the “geez I was just JOKING” shit.

      As much as I adore men who make me giggle, I am SO NOT fucking putting up wiht that again. EVER.

      and I’m terrified. Because for every person I meet who tells me I’m witty and charming and sexy, there’s tons who just don’t even see me at all. Being invisible is the worst part of it all.

  15. San Diego Momma May 31, 2010 at 2:05 pm #

    Look, I don’t have words of wisdom because I am not wise, but I can tell you from the heart and soul, that I read your words often and am strongly sure of these things:

    1) You are beautiful in ways that can’t be seen just in a mirror
    2) You are talented
    3) You are real
    4) You are willing to try again
    5) You are on a road that will be rocky from time to time, sometimes for weeks, months on end, but it will lead you somewhere wonderful. Because? See above.

    XO.

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