I await the shoe.
Historically my life has been earmarked by catastrophe. Heartache, pain, sorrow, incidents. I can track back the abandonment, the fear, the loneliness, the aching terror. I can link it all, daisy chained, without the petals. One leading to the other in a long line of problems.
I have coped. I have been better and I have been worse.
It occurred to me, tonight, that this weekend would have been my 12th wedding anniversary.
And suddenly, I feel broken all over again, and the throb I have felt this week makes sense. This wasn’t supposed to end this way. I wasn’t supposed to mark 12 years terrified about money, about my house and my life and feeding my children. I’m terrified. If one thing goes wrong, one major thing-the house of cards can collapse. Not a “I can’t go to Blogher or Maui” collapse, a “I can’t pay my mortgage or feed my kids” collapse.
And I question my ability, and ultimately, my ability to stay healthy. Once broken, always broken. And I’m so fucking scared.
This is not the path I envisioned. Yet while it doesn’t feel wrong, it scares the hell out of me. Not because I am alone, not because dating someone new is completely fucking terrifying and how do you figure out if he is right, or if anyone will ever be right after you go it so fucking wrong, but because I can just foresee this constant state of panic over money. Feeling like I had to scrimp and scrape just to get groceries today..was humiliating because of the fear. What if? What if I cannot do this? What if I need new shoes to walk to work because I have to work nights for the summer because I cannot afford daytime childcare, but I can’t afford to even buy new shoes-and my arches have fallen to such an extreme that cheap pieces of shit won’t do, even if I could find them in 11W. What if the toilet leak becomes a structural issue, because I just do not have a spare few hundred?
What if I can’t do this alone? It’s not even a matter of not wanting to-it’s a matter of being terrified that I just plain cannot do it. Even adjusting my job circumstance is a huge issue because I have to pick my kid up from school-too far for her to walk, too close to take the bus, no one I trust to take her home.
I am fucking terrified, of so many things. And I am rarely ever frightened. But mostly I am scared of a future where I am all they have, where there is never a family ever again, just two halves they bind to occasionally. I am scared that I will have to let this house go, and my dream in my lush backyard is lost forever.
I don’t want much. I just want to be happy. But it seems like I find a way to get it all muddled, and ruin it. Everyone else seems to do it. Why can’t I?
The worst part of this weekend is knowing that I am the only one who feels that loss, that grief over something else that died.
I am so incredibly tired of being alone.