Twelve

17 Apr

I await the shoe.

Historically my life has been earmarked by catastrophe. Heartache, pain, sorrow, incidents. I can track back the abandonment, the fear, the loneliness, the aching terror. I can link it all, daisy chained, without the petals. One leading to the other in a long line of problems.

I have coped. I have been better and I have been worse.

It occurred to me, tonight, that this weekend would have been my 12th wedding anniversary.

And suddenly, I feel broken all over again, and the throb I have felt this week makes sense. This wasn’t supposed to end this way. I wasn’t supposed to mark 12 years terrified about money, about my house and my life and feeding my children.  I’m terrified. If one thing goes wrong, one major thing-the house of cards can collapse. Not a “I can’t go to Blogher or Maui” collapse, a “I can’t pay my mortgage or feed my kids” collapse.

And I question my ability, and ultimately, my ability to stay healthy. Once broken, always broken. And I’m so fucking scared.

This is not the path I envisioned. Yet while it doesn’t feel wrong, it scares the hell out of me. Not because I am alone, not because dating someone new is completely fucking terrifying and how do you figure out if he is right, or if anyone will ever be right after you go it so fucking wrong, but because I can just foresee this constant state of panic over money. Feeling like I had to scrimp and scrape just to get groceries today..was humiliating because of the fear. What if? What if I cannot do this? What if I need new shoes to walk to work because I have to work nights for the summer because I cannot afford daytime childcare, but I can’t afford to even buy new shoes-and my arches have fallen to such an extreme that cheap pieces of shit won’t do, even if I could find them in 11W. What if the toilet leak becomes a structural issue, because I just do not have a spare few hundred?

What if I can’t do this alone? It’s not even a matter of not wanting to-it’s a matter of being terrified that I just plain cannot do it. Even adjusting my job circumstance is a huge issue because I have to pick my kid up from school-too far for her to walk, too close to take the bus, no one I trust to take her home.

I am fucking terrified, of so many things. And I am rarely ever frightened. But mostly I am scared of a future where I am all they have, where there is never a family ever again, just two halves they bind to occasionally. I am scared that I will have to let this house go, and my dream in my lush backyard is lost forever.

I don’t want much. I just want to be happy. But it seems like I find a way to get it all muddled, and ruin it. Everyone else seems to do it. Why can’t I?

The worst part of this weekend is knowing that I am the only one who feels that loss, that grief over something else that died.

I am so incredibly tired of being alone.

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7 Responses to “Twelve”

  1. Jennifer April 17, 2010 at 7:15 am #

    I wish I had something profound to say. Something that could help.

    Look at the little things that bring you joy, you are so talented at that, seriously, I wish I had that ability. I’ve been awash in negativity my entire life, so it’s hard to see the good through all the bad.

    Just take one day at a time.

  2. sweetsalty kate April 17, 2010 at 8:00 am #

    Is he helping you, Thor? I don’t mean to pry, but I hope he is. Still, even if he is, I’m sure it’s not the same as having someone there to consolidate incomes fully.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so exposed. I don’t know much what to say of it, either. You’re the best kind of people. I hope this eases for you… soon. xo

  3. Cori April 17, 2010 at 8:50 am #

    You are tougher than you think you are. I know it’s all very scary and overwhelming, but you are the kind of person who will just do what you need to do to make things work. And you are doing just that.

    Try to focus on the positive and take it one day at a time. It will get better.

  4. Lili April 17, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    You are incredibly brave and strong. I have no words that could possibly comfort you about the anniversary but as far as being alone-maybe have a friend over-in fact, maybe help with your finances by having a roommate(an adult, financially stable, sane, woman.)

    My thoughts are with you.

  5. Marcy April 17, 2010 at 3:24 pm #

    (((Thordora)))

  6. audre April 17, 2010 at 5:18 pm #

    Thordora,

    Thank you for the website. I have learned so much from everyone here.

    I am sorry for the situation in which you find yourself and wish that I could say something meaningful. But there is only one thing I can say… reach out to others. There are many people who will be willing to be your friend and share. Of that I am certain.

    For me, the way out of a bad situation is to find others who are worse off than I am and offer something to them. I know for you and others like my son it is not so simple when you are in a depressed state of mind. However, if you can find the courage to do so the first time, the second time is easy.

    Maybe I am totally off the wall and I have only my personal experience with my child to go by but when he is in this mood he isolates himself and blames everyone but himself. That is a recipe for continued stress.

    What I have learned in my lifetime is there are very many people willing to be my friend if I reach out to them without judgment. However not many will reach out to me first.

    I wish you well and hope that you can find peace.

  7. Hannah April 19, 2010 at 8:24 am #

    You know that if I could magically wave my wand and take your worries away, I would do it.

    It’s trite and probably not much comfort just now but you will get through this. You’ll do what needs to be done, and some days will be incredibly hard and some days will be full of those small moments that ease the struggle. Sometimes you will have to make really, really tough choices.

    I never saw behind the door of your marriage but I’m going to stick my neck out and say that I know you’ve been doing it alone for a long time already. And that you’re tired, and you wish there was a soft place at the end of the road for you. You will get there.

    And I agree with everyone else – ASK FOR HELP. I know that you have friends who love you and your entirely rambunctious and awesome girls, and will help if they can.

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