Do not be too timid and squeamish about your reactions. All life is an experiment.

21 Mar

I grope blindly at strangers with this new freedom.

It’s a thirst I cannot quench. I hear the honeyed words swirl around my head, they tell me I’m beautiful, they tell me how hot I make them, detail their dreams and fantasy. I absorb it all like so much water, soothing that sore spot on my soul. There are hands and fingers and lips and for a moment, my skin is the velvet I believe it to be, time slowing to a crouch in the corner, and it’s all about the short breath on a neck, the tension in palms, sweat.

But it’s hollow.

I find myself rolling into the warm arms and smiles, giggling. But I’m not there. I’m living the adolescent fantasy, and I’m not there. Quietly, in the back of my head I hear a voice whispering “Enjoy this! You want this, you need this!” and for a short while, my limbs go through the motions, my lips part admirably, and I place my footing back down.

But the cab home, the long dark ride home, I realize I don’t want this. I don’t want the zipless fuck. I want the warm giggling arms that make me dinner. I want the eyes that see me, not just want me. I want the songs of my charms to be verseless as I drift off in his arms. I want to melt into one of my possible futures, not become hung up in the tumblr-esq world of sex as diversion. Sure it’s fun.

But it’s like chinese food. 2 hours later, and you’re just hungry again, with only the slightest sense of something on your tongue.

****

We negotiate carefully, our desire for the other tempered by experience, by fear of loss, by the ache of guilt and anger and the sweet, sweet smell of hope. He asks me to jump in the pool with him.

I close the door to the others, and jump.

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5 Responses to “Do not be too timid and squeamish about your reactions. All life is an experiment.”

  1. Bon March 21, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    smiling at you.

    i feel socially obligated to speak of caution, of taking care of yourself, all those things that come from love of you. consider them spoken.

    but i have jumped, and lived to celebrate. so i celebrate the hope of all that – and the courage of it – with you.

  2. thordora March 21, 2010 at 10:16 am #

    Yeah. I’ve come to realize that as much fun as it is, I’m not meant to whore around.

    And him basically asking me if I wanted to go steady sealed the deal. What a great weekend. 🙂 I’m so happy in that gentle warm rain kinda way. 😀

  3. raino March 21, 2010 at 2:40 pm #

    i too am smiling at you

  4. Marcy March 21, 2010 at 3:11 pm #

    Not there — very articulate. I remember that feeling, from one rather unwise and tentative five week thing — felt like I was playing house, and the unreality of it, its insubstantiality, revealed it as hollow, like you said.

    Hooray for the new step in this other relationship!

  5. Hannah March 22, 2010 at 8:11 am #

    So, if you’re going steady, will you start wearing his varsity jacket? 🙂

    I’m teasing… I was all worried by the post (because lord knows I’m a worrier) and then I read your comment and got all smiley.

    I’ll be in your neck of the woods this weekend – arriving Thursday, leaving Sunday – and I should have most evenings free… email me and let me know what your schedule’s looking like. I’d love to see you, if you’ve got time.

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