A void is a thing.

15 Mar

I catch myself in a mirror and smile a bit. My hair streams behind me, joyous. My pants are loose, too loose almost, and I have a jaunty swagger to my walk, improved by Ladytron and Friendly Fires.

32 years in, THIRTY TWO fucking years, and I finally feel beautiful.

So this is what that feels like.

****

He whispers to me how soft I am, how he loves the feel of my skin. I melt, just a little more, until I rub my throat raw purring as I do, the low murmur of pleasure, of being seen and heard and enjoyed, the settling into that warm place beside him, the scent of a new lover. My body arches toward him, and he holds me closer.

I don’t even hear him snoring as I drift off to sleep, smiling.

****

For years I was a thing. A quiet, miserable thing, fighting for something that was never real.

And then, it left, and I woke up and saw, for the first time in my adult life, my own face, unwavering, clear and bold.

No longer the void. No longer the absent, muddled mess of a head. Instead, a full bodied constellation of dreams and glory. A lovely creature, buried all this time under what I thought I needed and wanted.

A delicate thing, made of stars.

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21 Responses to “A void is a thing.”

  1. Bad Mummy March 16, 2010 at 1:08 am #

  2. Lillie March 16, 2010 at 1:37 am #

    awesome… {0:

  3. bromac March 16, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    Congrats to ya!

  4. Cheeky Monkey March 16, 2010 at 9:16 am #

    Ahh, new love. So …. lovely. Enjoy!

  5. kelly March 16, 2010 at 9:35 am #

    You are. SO beautiful. But, you did not need me to say it. That is the loveliest part.

  6. natalie March 16, 2010 at 9:41 am #

    this makes me the opposite of stabby…..mushy and happy!

    yay you! it’s been a long time in the making, my beautiful friend!

  7. Hannah March 16, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    As much as I love hubby, I miss those early swoony in love days.

    I’m so happy for you.

    Have the girls met him yet? (Now I’m just being nosy. Can’t help myself. It’s my rural NS showing.)

    • thordora March 18, 2010 at 1:57 pm #

      And no, no meeting him, not just yet. Having trouble communicating some of the “why we don’t introduce all our friends to the kids” thing to the ex, but I want at least another month of dating before they meet. At LEAST. They know he exists, and that’s enough.

  8. niobe March 16, 2010 at 10:39 am #

    Wow. I’d leave a smiley emoticon, but I think it would be way insufficient.

  9. thordora March 16, 2010 at 11:45 am #

    I don’t know if it’s love, but it’s certainly a comfortable love that’s proving awesome for my self esteem. And he’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met-such a change, and so awesome.

    I’m having fun. I don’t want to be tied right down, but I do love having someone to cuddle with from time to time. 🙂

    • thordora March 19, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

      Comfortable LUST. Duh. A friend says my face says it all when I talk about him, but trying to slow the boat. Having too much fun!

  10. sweetsalty kate March 16, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    smiling at you.

  11. contoveros March 16, 2010 at 12:56 pm #

    Wow,

    You’re good!

    Still having trouble with the “V” word since my kid is 18 now and has not puked in a while. My last “heaving” was when I broke up with a woman, drank too much wine, and fell asleep on the bathroom floor hugging the base of the commode I used to empty out what felt like my life up to the age of 30.

    Never thought such a cold fixture could provide so much comfort and stability. The commode is what I mean. I’ll never forget her. Again, the commode, not the girl. Hardly remember her name now.

    Your words got me going. You are inspiring. Think I’ll return for more when I get thirsty. For you, not the commode.

    michael j

  12. magpie March 16, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    so nice to read this.

  13. Marcy March 16, 2010 at 10:05 pm #

    Woo-hoo!

  14. flutter March 16, 2010 at 11:54 pm #

    this made my heart so happy

  15. Kelly O March 17, 2010 at 2:10 pm #

    It’s weird, isn’t it, when the worst thing you can imagine happens, and you find out that you’re stronger than you thought, and that not only are things going to be okay, they can even be better than they were.

    xoxo

  16. Liz March 17, 2010 at 6:51 pm #

    Keep paying attention to YOUR DESIRES….and FOLLOWING them.

  17. slouchy March 19, 2010 at 7:18 pm #

    wonderful.

  18. thepsychobabble March 19, 2010 at 11:54 pm #

    New love is so…warm and squishy feeling. 🙂 Best of luck!

  19. sweetney March 20, 2010 at 8:36 am #

    Bravo!

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