A new road

22 Feb

I’m drunk. It occurs to me on the cab ride home, hurtling down dead dark, that there’s a new life stretching ahead of me, and I’m eager to meet it.

I’ve deleted him from FB. I’ve ignored his request to stay for dinner. I’ve done my best to ignore his mentions of dates. I’m doing what I can to minimize contact. I’m (sorta) seeing a guy who, while not my physical type, makes me feel heavenly when I’m with him, telling me all the things I haven’t ever heard. I doubt it will last, but damn, seeing someone look at you, TRULY look at you and tell you you’re lovely and amazing…it’s been far too long.

It stuns me that after only a couple dates, a man is telling me all the things my husband never said in over 10 years of marriage. That a man I barely know can run a hand down my leg and tell me how lovely he finds them, even while I protest and try to keep his hand away from the cellulite lurking under my tights.  It stuns me that such simple kindness, words that may just be words, and may be more, they make me want to cry because it’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear, in years of marriage-that I was worthy, and lovely and amazing in someone’s eyes. That I mattered, that I was wanted.

It infuriates me that I always felt like I was asking too much. It saddens me that someone saying such beautiful things nearly made me cry. It angers me, that I just sat in a dead relationship for so long, that we both did. And it makes me shake my head, knowing I’d never let my daughters stay in a corner like that.

Everyone tells me I have a new life coming-and I do. It happens slowly, as I take a look ahead and see no horizon and know that it’s so very true, that with my heart and mind open, I can become that frantically happy woman I want to be. I can whistle into the wind and strike up a conversation where I wish. I can be happy in my own skin.

The counselor stressed that. Find my happy first. Then look out. And I will.

But nothing else this year will make me as happy as someone describing my skin as silk as he gently caressed my arm. Nothing can take that from me-no matter how angry my ex can make me, no matter how futile it all seems somedays, as yet another separation related tantrum starts-no one can take away the fact that I am still wanted, by myself, and by others.

Even drunk, one too many vodka and orange later, I know that being reflected in someone else’s eyes is just as important to me as being reflected in my own. And I’m good with that.

A new life, a new road. Tempered by anger, polished by my need to love.

It will all be ok.

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16 Responses to “A new road”

  1. Jennifer February 22, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    *smile*

  2. Titanium February 22, 2010 at 9:29 pm #

    All will be well, and all manner of things shall be well…

  3. twotriggers February 22, 2010 at 9:34 pm #

    That was a freaky posting to me. It reminds me of me and my new gf.we spoke of all these things and she told me she was all mine body and soul she would submit to me. And then her BP kicked in and she left again 😦

  4. Missy February 22, 2010 at 9:49 pm #

    yay! Good for you!

  5. Bon February 22, 2010 at 10:05 pm #

    such beauty in this. such beauty in you.

    such strength in you to be able to acknowledge the incredible power of simply being appreciated. and to enjoy it without letting yourself give your whole self over to it.

    i love watching this new life of yours unfurl, the hard bits and the amazing, both.

  6. sweetsalty kate February 22, 2010 at 10:08 pm #

    Smiling at you. Echoing Bon, as usual. xo

  7. Marcy February 22, 2010 at 10:30 pm #

    You’re doing good.

  8. wn February 22, 2010 at 11:38 pm #

    Bon really did say it best….

    but i’d add that THIS…THIS is why the reason you survived the the bad….because the good…you are starting to GET that you are worthy of the good.

    …and lastly…this post made me smile….and also go out dancing with you…very soon!

  9. Lili February 23, 2010 at 2:24 am #

    Awesome. That is wonderful.

  10. Quadelle February 23, 2010 at 5:56 am #

    Bon summed it up beautifully.

    Plus, I hope that there is something – many somethings – that will happen this year that make you as happy as hearing his description.

  11. thordora February 23, 2010 at 7:39 am #

    Thanks all. I’m not getting invested, but dammit, it’s so NICE to hear someone want to be with me, find me attractive in all the ways you don’t expect-I’ve never had anyone rub my tummy and tell me they think it’s wonderful!

    If nothing else, it’s a nice segue into the rest of my life. It makes me smile, and not much has in the last few months.

    Of course, y’all make me smile too. What would I do without all of you? 😀

  12. twotriggers February 23, 2010 at 8:32 am #

    Its good to hear a positive note. Stay with this man he sounds like a keeper.

  13. Hannah February 23, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    Tummy rubs? Seriously?

    *sigh*

    Happy for you. Also kind of wanting a vodka and orange now.

  14. et February 23, 2010 at 11:45 am #

    good to hear you stand up – it took me years…

    careful, careful or the rebound/ricochet

  15. magpie February 23, 2010 at 1:57 pm #

    Sounds good.

  16. twotriggers February 23, 2010 at 2:10 pm #

    My bipolar girl keeps running away. If I post I am in a relationship will this help bring her back? I notice BP hate to lose. Its a selfish disorder. Please tell me if I’m right

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