Fair Payment

17 Feb

Maybe I shouldn’t be so angry.

None of how this played out is a surprise. I knew what was going on, even if I decided to play along with the lies. I kept it up while being denied the chance to fix things with us, not just with me. I changed more than I had-I started to fix me.

But it wasn’t enough.

It’s not the moving on the bothers me, making me see red and use the delete button liberally in some cases. It’s the lying. The continual lying. Not the once or twice I stretched the truth. But the in your face, for months, when directly confronted lying.

Yes, it makes me “bitter”. Because I thought that even if we grew apart, even if he wanted to just get tattoos and go to rock shows while I wanted to rebuild the house and just sit back and raise the kids while writing, we could still find a way through without so much pain and anger, so much lying and deception.

But no. And it makes me bitter because I’m angry and wounded, because that sort of betrayal, that which I would have never expected from someone I loved, because it isn’t just something I can put in a box and ignore? My anger is real, and justified, and I will move through it when I move through it. I have grieved in the past, and anger-that’s usually the one I have the most trouble with.

I can forgive a lot. I am, by nature, not a grudge holder. The energy it takes to hold a grudge! But I am black and white with this type of thing, and truly nauseated that the more I talk to people, the more I see it happens to so many people. It makes my heart hurt. We trade I love you’s like baseball cards, and then step back and destroy each other?

Yes,we change. But at some point, we have to also be adults, and humans, and realize that some pains are lesser than others. I’ve spent years believing I only deserve someone who is barely ever interested in me, or the family, unable to split attention from a world that only exists inside a computer. Now, I don’t believe that so much. Now I know I deserve love, affection and attention, just like anyone else does. As do my children. It’s easier to focus on them when we’re away from each other.

I am angry. I am seething, burning, need to start kickboxing or jogging angry. But mostly, I’m angry at me-for letting it get this way, for never having the balls to do more than look for apartments on Kijiji and dream of a day when he would love me, a day when family was worth working for.

As I’ve said, I have earned this anger. I have earned the right to feel betrayed.  I have earned this fire.

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7 Responses to “Fair Payment”

  1. ifbyyes February 17, 2010 at 11:37 am #

    I’m slowly learning as time goes on that people who lie do it for themselves. When a person lies, they do it to make them feel better about themselves, because while we would rather hear the truth, THEY can’t bear to hear themselves say it. Their lies give them the ability to pretend that they themselves are not despicable, are worthy of love.

    But it doesn’t work that way. An honest sinner is more lovable than someone of fake virtues.

    You have a right to be bitter, but some day when you heal, I think you’ll find pity and scorn, as well.

    He hurt you, but not to hurt you… only to pretend that he wasn’t.

    The ass.

  2. camerashymomma February 17, 2010 at 11:04 pm #

    oh i hear you. i really do.
    you are allowed these feelings! sit with them awhile.

    and i know you know this, but it’s worth saying again, that it won’t always be this way. it’ll grow some space and yes the lies will still be there, but what i’ve learned from space and nearly 18 months is that the lies (will always make me sad that someone chooses that path) but they almost now just make me so happy, so happy that they are not my every day existence anymore. i’m not sure if that makes sense.

    each lie is just like a reminder that i made the right choice to walk away. his lies make me grateful that his, is not my life anymore.

    life is so much more beautiful than that.
    i know you know that too.

  3. lili February 18, 2010 at 12:33 am #

    Oh how I remember those feelings. Be as angry as you need to. (I used a punching bag). One day you’ll look back him as a miserable piece of (fill in the blanks) and roll your eyes at the past. But in the present you do have the blessings of the kids. That is the best thing of it all.

    The pinhead? He was a space in time that helped be a vessel to bring those beautiful kids here. Now his time is up. Be mad then whenever you feel ready move on.

    All that was good in you is still good in you. All the growth you achieve has been and always will be worth it. The pinhead doesn’t know how very much he lost in you. Sucks to be him.

  4. magpie February 18, 2010 at 12:33 am #

    I’d be angry too.
    In fact, I often am. But that’s a different story.
    You, be angry. Now. Because someday, with luck and love and healing, you won’t be angry. I hope.

  5. thordora February 18, 2010 at 7:28 am #

    I will be less angry eventually. But, I’ve learned that ignoring the anger is more hurtful in the long run, so I’m just trying to embrace it, and move on that way.

    This too shall pass. Bigger things have tried to ruin me, and failed.

    Thanks guys. The support means so much.

  6. Liz February 19, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

    I can relate. I am still angry too as my ex-husband was a giant pu&^%. Nothing is more fury and wrath inducing to a woman than a man who has to bail because he can’t man up and handle it. At some point on the path of being a husband then father-ie MAN- some men revert back to adolescence because it’s just all too hard for them. I just watched the Tiger Woods apology- case in point- he was a “boy man.” How sad and tragic for these loser husbands’/fathers’ families who can’t let go of their youth (tattoes and concerts…please, boy-man) and be a hero to their families. Many dads are….too bad some are too weak.

    To turn one’s back on one’s own family and shun those responsibilities is the ultimate betrayal, let down, and cowardice. It causes the deepest of pain.

  7. twotriggers February 21, 2010 at 10:45 am #

    Hi I don’t know if I am on the right blog or not but I will ask my question anyway. @what point in a bipolar persons ups and downs do they start to snap out of there hate and rejection of a loved one and come home? I have been waiting over two weeks for her to atleast contact me and still nothing.

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