I want control. I need control. I have control.

10 Feb

I don’t lose control gracefully.

I’m a control hog. I’m either leading the charge, yelling TALLY HO! on my trusty steed as I hold up my rapier, or I’m snorting in the back row of the classroom, eating peanuts and gleefully remaining apathetic. I have two speeds-on or off.

I blame a lot of things. I blame a childhood, filled with events I could not even pretend to control, that I couldn’t even have a daydream fantasy over. People in my life who left me 3 sheets to the wind so often that I never really discovered when my feet were solidly on the ground. And little old me, never trying to just find my way, instead coasting on hot air and will, the sheer force of will that has brought me through so much.

Now I face my dragon, full force. Often it seems like this is my last monster, the last door to open, the last window to clean off. Letting go.

I made an arsehole mistake with something-what it is is irelevant for right here, but trust me. I did something that goes against all of my personal values in a moment of weakness and ache and anger. And I regret it, something I so rarely do, but I admit it loudly, that I regret, and hate that I have made a mistake such as the one I’ve made. I’ve made someone look at me with hate and anger and pain, and it makes me want to crawl up inside myself and cry forgiveness. I want to be forgiven, knowing in my own head, how wrong, how hideous and gross I’ve been.

But I cannot pass those feelings on. I cannot erase what has been done, and I must lay in the bed I’ve made. I do deserve it. But coming to grips with that fact that I cannot control when someone forgives me, that I cannot make them find closure immediately-that’s what’s taking all my will. Learning to submit to the anger and disdain, learning to submit to the fact that perhaps I need to stew in what I’ve done, take full repentance. Learning to wait, without apathy, learning to say I value you in my life, I want you in it, without running the show.

Learning to let go, and let people come to me. Not chasing them for love, or friendship, but letting them find their way back out of anger, back to who I really am when not blinded by rage or sadness. Letting them lead.

I don’t do well. But I’m learning. I become completely irrational, seized by a need to make people love me.

I want to break this pattern, break myself of it. I can be loved, without forcing the hand before me. I can be treasured, and cared for, more even, if I let people come to me on their terms.

I want to be the person who can stand and wait, hopeful, yet not cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Hope. I want more of that.

 

(to add: I’m slowly coming to grips, clearly, with the fact that I’ve been behaving in a codependant manner for years, trying to control the people in my life, trying to make them happy, trying to fill the voids left in me. It’s been easier for me to never meet my own needs-something I’ve been told multiple times over the years that I’m only truly grasping now. And I’m lost. I struggle to make myself happy. I don’t want that anymore, but how do I break free?)

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12 Responses to “I want control. I need control. I have control.”

  1. niobe February 11, 2010 at 7:37 am #

    Just wait and see. Everything looks better from a distance. And that thing that you did that was so awful? Turns out not to be so awful after all.

  2. karrie February 11, 2010 at 7:40 am #

    This is musically significant. 🙂

  3. Jennifer February 11, 2010 at 8:34 am #

    Damn. I want details. Without knowing details I can’t really comment.

    What I can say is that women like us, who have experienced what we have, often take ALL the blame in a situation onto our shoulders.

    It’s what we’ve been “trained” and conditioned to do.

    Very rarely do we look around and go….huh…ya know, I don’t “own” all of this.

  4. Kelly O February 11, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    That’s so hard for me, too, to let go of control. Mostly I do it by focusing over the shoulder of the person in front of me, trying to see the big picture in the distance and thinking about how I’ll get there.

    Also, cut yourself some slack. We all do things we’re not proud of. We are human and flawed.

  5. Kelly February 11, 2010 at 9:43 am #

    I hope he/she comes back. Is there really anything that is so bad that would not allow two compassionate people to find each other again. I hope not.

  6. Yo is Me February 11, 2010 at 3:17 pm #

    wow. this is incredible insightful. do you mind if i link to this? it won’t be today, or even tomorrow… but sometime soon. i have a blog post brewing, and this has jumpstarted it.

    • thordora February 11, 2010 at 3:32 pm #

      Go ahead. Insight is great-I just wish I hadn’t of acted like a douche in the first place. 😦

  7. Yo is Me February 11, 2010 at 3:17 pm #

    aw, man! i meant incredibLY insightful.

  8. Marcy February 11, 2010 at 5:06 pm #

    You know how we tell our kids that they are not their behavior? Same here. If what you did was that bad in your sight, go ahead and call it that bad. But remember that you are not your behavior. Like our kids, you’ll have to face the consequences. May many graces come alongside you.

    And I completely relate — learning how to let people be angry with me has been very challenging, and likewise in general learning how to let other people have whatever feelings about or toward me or anything else. And I don’t even have to grovel or hide — once I’ve made my repentance and sought forgiveness and tried to make amends, my part is done, and it’s up to them to work through their own feelings about it all.

  9. Bromac February 11, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    Marcy said it best, but I will say it again. You are not a bad person because (if?) you did a bad thing. You just did a bad thing. You’ll have to live with it. Hopefully time will ease the ache. Most important, though, is that you learn from it. It sounds as if you are. Wishing you peace, dear.

  10. thordora February 11, 2010 at 10:29 pm #

    I wonder though, if the person even wants to forgive me. And I’m crumbling on the inside because I know I was wrong.

  11. Marcy February 12, 2010 at 9:20 am #

    God will forgive whenever we sincerely ask him to. Forgiveness is NEVER deserved — otherwise it’s excuse, or dismissal. No sin or bad thing is too horrible for God to forgive, because the whole cost has already been paid on the cross.

    People, on the other hand, sometimes do decide that X was too much.

    I hope you don’t lose this friend; Lord move this person to be willing to forgive, for the sake of the relationship, and for true self-knowledge that he/she is not really any better.

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