Please, don’t you give me false hope. You’re free to go.

28 Jan

I feel so fucking vacant.

I’m worn this week. I miss the little tiny trickles of love that a relationship gives-a warm body to lie against, fingers on the back of a neck, soft and forgetful. The sense and smell of another in your bed, the completeness of feeling drawn to another.

I dislike being alone. I feel unmoored, despite the confidence that chews me up. It’s not depression, it’s ache, like a phantom limb I miss the security and the safety of arms, warmth.

But do I miss my fantasy more than reality? Do I miss what I think I should I have, in place of what I did?

Getting back to that place, that place of absolute trust, of placing my heart in someone’s teeth-I don’t know if I can after this. With a back that craves simple touch, the pressure of someone who loves you, not just a lover.

I thought I’d die alone. So why aren’t I content so?

I’m tired. I’m 400 pounds of tired on my back in that overwhelming, I have things to do and no time or energy or will to do them, and perhaps later, perhaps soon I should pop those pills again, as I feel paranoia crawl up my back and I wodner, do you feel this too? Do you distrust the motives in all you meet, thinking their interest or open mouths, their words, are all an effort to find a way in to destroy? Do you stare out the sides of your eyes, constantly wary too? Or do you always expect only the best from people?

I assume that dating is going to be a problem with paranoia thrown in.

****

I think I have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow. I think, because when the reminder call came, we said the time but not the date and I was busy dealing with someone from work questioning abscenses from the past 7 MONTHS and worried, no, terrified that they were trying to find a way to pay me, while shovelling food into my mouth, shushing a 4 year old and consulting with my father about dishwashers. So i wasn’t really clear, and now I’m worried that THEY will stop seeing me since I already got a letter about missing my last appointment but then I wonder, exactly how pissy can you get with CRAZY PEOPLE who are on meds that make them forget almost everything?

Sigh. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. All I know is that I want to sleep again, real sleep, not the half sleep I’ve been getting lately, waking up every hour or so, lost. If being crazy is good for anything, it’s getting drugs that get you to sleep.

I want my clarity back, but I want it to be mine. I wanted to feel this, REALLY TRULY feel what’s been happening. I feel like I’m owed that at least, after years of not knowing where my needs ended and the battle really began, I needed to feel something for me. But the hope of living without those magical pills, some magical pills, it wavers as the darkness crawls near and whispers songs I know far too well.

And the drinking. I could drink myself into a hole at this point, and not care. I could pop whatever you handed me, and be glad to have done it. I could pour myself into oblivion and not care.

It’s time to get back.

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11 Responses to “Please, don’t you give me false hope. You’re free to go.”

  1. sweetsaltykate January 28, 2010 at 10:55 pm #

    This unsettles me (because I adore you) and comforts me (because I adore you) at the same time. It’s strange. So I’ll just sit with you and tell you to take care, sweet thor. Whatever that care happens to be… take it. xo

  2. Kelly January 29, 2010 at 8:32 am #

    Just want you to know that I read. I heard. I’m thinking of you.

  3. Jennifer January 29, 2010 at 10:09 am #

    Call them!

    While you’re at it, when you go into see them, maybe see if they have any groups for recently seperated/towards divorce groups going on that you could join.

    You’d be socializing and you’d see that your feelings are normal and that they are all going though the same thing.

    Maybe you’ll meet a fuck buddy, you know, for when BOB doesn’t cut it, or meet a new friend?

  4. niobe January 29, 2010 at 10:28 am #

    This may not be possible, but I know that when I felt most alone, one thing that helped was to get out of town, leave my kid with his father and go visit friends for a weekend and sleep and let them take care of me. Come visit me, for example.

  5. Vicki January 29, 2010 at 10:38 am #

    Go see them. Get back to you. If not taking your meds in order to really feel this is going to make you do something that is only going to hurt you and the ones you love, take your meds. You can still feel this with medicine. It just won’t take you under with it. Feel free to email me and we can talk. I’m going through the divorce thing, too, so we can comiserate together. I will try to help you. We can be strong together from miles apart, ok?

  6. Titanium January 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm #

    *staring out the sides of my eyes, right now*

    It takes a long time, sometimes never; holding my breath, waiting for the rest of the shoe rack to drop.

    Sometimes, going through the right motions is critical: taking the meds, making the appointment, taking a shower… often, it’s the act of DOING something that begins to let a bit of sunlight in.

    One foot. In front. Of the other. I believe in you, and you should too.

    Hugs,

    Ti

  7. Marcy January 29, 2010 at 5:54 pm #

    Definitely call the shrink. Confirm when that appointment is and keep it. Talk about the meds — maybe a lower dose will be enough for you to keep being present without getting sucked down.

  8. flutter January 30, 2010 at 3:23 am #

    confirm that appointment and then go and rail. get all of it out, spill it on the table and piece by piece, let it go

  9. thordora January 30, 2010 at 1:30 pm #

    Heh. Appt changed due to snow. Go figure.

    The right motions are needed indeed.

  10. Aurelia February 1, 2010 at 11:39 am #

    Just an idea….but sometimes when I think my meds aren’t working, really, it turns out I have a physical thing going on, like my current sinus/tooth mess. Previously, it’s been hormones.

    Anyway, as you readjust what you are doing, keep that in mind. Maybe you have a physical issue interfering? Maybe you need a checkup and some iron, or some thyroid meds. Supposedly, patients with mental health issues have higher rates of physical illness and even die earlier, due to Docs assuming it’s all mental.

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