What I want

14 Jan

You look back and wonder what made you take it. Why did you sit through being invisible? Why did you expend all of your energy trying to fix something someone didn’t want?

Why did you accept being second best to people you couldn’t even meet?

And so it has begged the question. What DO I want?

In simplest terms, it boils down to something I can hardly vocalize. I want someone who is responsible. I want someone in my life who wants an “us”-who thinks in terms of what WE can do, what WE can have and see.

I want someone who smiles to see me, or hear my voice. I want someone who thinks of me in idle moments. I want a warm house, colored and smooth. I want the low hum of the radio as a constant companion, conversation.

I want dreams. I want stories. I want to live.

I want someone in my life who truly wants to live.

No more feeling like a burden because I expect, and yes, to a degree demand, attention and love in a relationship. No more feeling like I’m a problem that needs to be fixed because I care about a home and a family and a future. No more feeling like being unhappy is normal. No more feeling like it’s all my fault.

Because it’s not. And I deserve someone who wants me, and who respects me, and who doesn’t treat life with a huge dose of apathy and hate.

Once upon a time I was happy. More than anything, that is what I want.


10 Responses to “What I want”

  1. wn January 14, 2010 at 3:25 pm #

    I want you to be happy too!

    You deserve nothing less.

  2. Jurgen Nation January 14, 2010 at 3:27 pm #


  3. slouchy January 14, 2010 at 3:45 pm #

    And you shall have that. And you deserve it.

    P.S. This line is just lovely —

    “I want a warm house, colored and smooth.”

  4. Kelly January 14, 2010 at 3:50 pm #

    I love that you wrote it down, said it aloud, put it out there. I believe you will have it.

  5. Sheri January 14, 2010 at 5:23 pm #

    I felt the same way, having been through something very similar than you describe. I thought I’d never get what I really wanted, but after a very long time I actually did. It can happen.

  6. CJ January 14, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    And you will have it….I thought I would NEVER be happy again and had to just “deal” with life. How wrong I was. All in good time (whoever made up that saying should be tortured!)

  7. Titanium January 14, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    May you enjoy all of those things and so much, much more… you certainly deserve it.

  8. pieces of me January 17, 2010 at 1:38 pm #

    I am so glad I found you. seriously, you are not alone!

  9. Kelly January 25, 2010 at 2:12 pm #

    What you want isn’t too much to ask for. You deserve it. I deserve it. I waver back and forth between this type of optimism and a cloud of impending doom on what seems to be a daily basis.
    Print out this post, and put it somewhere you’ll see it often. Remind yourself that this is NOT too much to ask for, and it’s all possible.


  1. Tweets that mention What I want « Spin Me I Pulsate -- Topsy.com - January 15, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Bipolar Blogs, thordora. thordora said: New Post: what I want. https://vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2010/01/14/what-i-want/ […]

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