You look back and wonder what made you take it. Why did you sit through being invisible? Why did you expend all of your energy trying to fix something someone didn’t want?
Why did you accept being second best to people you couldn’t even meet?
And so it has begged the question. What DO I want?
In simplest terms, it boils down to something I can hardly vocalize. I want someone who is responsible. I want someone in my life who wants an “us”-who thinks in terms of what WE can do, what WE can have and see.
I want someone who smiles to see me, or hear my voice. I want someone who thinks of me in idle moments. I want a warm house, colored and smooth. I want the low hum of the radio as a constant companion, conversation.
I want dreams. I want stories. I want to live.
I want someone in my life who truly wants to live.
No more feeling like a burden because I expect, and yes, to a degree demand, attention and love in a relationship. No more feeling like I’m a problem that needs to be fixed because I care about a home and a family and a future. No more feeling like being unhappy is normal. No more feeling like it’s all my fault.
Because it’s not. And I deserve someone who wants me, and who respects me, and who doesn’t treat life with a huge dose of apathy and hate.
Once upon a time I was happy. More than anything, that is what I want.