I’m tired, and he’s gone.
I hug him fiercely, and he kisses back, his face in my neck. He says Don’t cry softly and I say I’m trying not to but really, right now, I don’t know how not to. I’ve never been left before, coats in one hand, clippers in the other as the clock on the stove glows 11:54. I can’t hold in the tears that roll from my eyes unbidden, surprised.
I’m trying not to too he says and the look in his eyes tells me it’s true.
Maybe things can be better. Maybe in 6 months we’ll have worked through whatever we both have, yes both, and find ourselves again, newly happy and sated with finally speaking after years of barely trying. Maybe I’ll have cried and yelled enough by then. Maybe he’ll have had enough silence.
But, maybe we’ll just move on.
I don’t even know what to want anymore.
I’ve spent the weekend focused out-on him, on the kids, on the dirty floors and windows that leak air like asthmatic men at a boxing match. I do what I’m best at when I’m grieving-I get busy. I find solutions, I remind, I consult, I do whatever possible to not think about how he’s not coming home tonight, and baring a couple week long business trips I have never not had him by my side. He has always been there. And tonight he isn’t and I’m empty and crushed, aching for the one person I always figured I’d grow old with, the one I could see living forever with.
It hurts. I feel adrift, unmoored, and broken. I never wanted this.
What if the one your heart wants isn’t the one your heart needs?
We’ve spent the last week being, for the most part, gentler with each other, more considerate. He made me coffee this morning, just because I said I had a headache, and maybe a coffee would help. He smiled and listened when I talked. I bit my tongue more often than not, had a warm glance and soft touch at the ready.
If only I wondered, we could do this all the time. Be considerate of each other. Less needy but more willing. Loving yet not smothering. What if we could do this all the time?
But we don’t live under the gun of impending doom, under a cloud of Am I doing the right thing? We don’t take the time each day to look at each other and remember THIS. This giggle or that small gesture-THAT is why I love them. We haven’t taken the time in a very long time.
I believe we still love each other. I just don’t know if we have the energy to start again.
I love him. My heart is breaking. I can’t not love him. How could I?