2010

2 Jan

I am determined.

I’m not even 2 days into this year, and already it’s like breathing new air. Sure we’re all hopeful and fresh and new January 1, and sure, it always looks pretty around here, prettiest even, just before the snow falls in buckets like someone just dumped a pile of manure of Tim’s head, but still…

I feel like I left all the bad things in last year, cast off unwanted. The anger, the disappointment, all the bad moves and roads I walked last year-left behind, with this year devoted to finding the roads I truly want to walk on. I sit talking with a new friend who tells me even she believes and feels I’m on the right path, and my body screams YES!, even while it delicately eats greasy food and nods.  Inside a small girl dances and breaks into song, stretches her arms and feels, for the first time in years and years, space.

There’s a person I want to be, a woman I saw glimpses of when I tried looking past my own nose and into my future. She’s warm and loving, she curious and interested, her eyes full of laughter and joy. Her home is warm and welcoming, full of food and books and music and love. Her arms are full of children, and possibly, blessed with the love of someone who looks at her and feels settled, in their place too. Someday, she’ll see the sunrise over Ankor Wat, and she’ll smile. The walls of her house are all the colors of the gumballs in that machine near Zellers. She sings herself to sleep.

But dammit, I think she’s already reaching out inside of me, rattling her cage and demanding that she and that little girl, the one who sings, be set free. She’s here!

She always was.

I sat on her, I silenced her, I tried to mold her into some idea I had, some wisp of desire someone else had. Now, freed of the monkeys of expectation and protection, there’s a stretch and a rip and she’s there, and desperately wants to breathe and feel beautiful and smart and wanted.

Rebirth, of a sort. I’m just caught in the caul, that’s all.

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14 Responses to “2010”

  1. misspudding January 2, 2010 at 10:31 pm #

    Amen!

  2. wn January 2, 2010 at 11:30 pm #

    let me scream it out loud….YES!

    ps – take me dancing with you!

  3. sweetsalty kate January 3, 2010 at 12:54 am #

    Oh, how I love this. xo

  4. sweetsalty kate January 3, 2010 at 12:55 am #

    (Not that you need to feel or write or believe like this all the time. But it does make me smile tonight, for you.)

  5. Leanne January 3, 2010 at 1:29 am #

    Even I feel fantastic reading that!

    This year will be wonderful. I can’t wait to compare notes next year.

  6. Gwen January 3, 2010 at 6:07 am #

    I wish all these good and lovely things for you this year. Happy 2010!!

  7. Hannah January 3, 2010 at 8:42 am #

    Yay!!!

    Can’t wait to see the bubblegum walls.

  8. Cynthia January 3, 2010 at 1:30 pm #

    Delicious! Inspiring!

  9. Liz January 3, 2010 at 4:19 pm #

    “desperately wants to breathe and feel beautiful and smart and wanted……”

    Read the book “Mama Gena and the School of Womanly Arts”….it’s a map to get to that place.

  10. Marcy January 3, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    caught in the caul — what a fantastic phrase.

    • Marcy January 3, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

      ever read The Scarlet Ibis, speaking of cauls?

  11. crunchy January 3, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    beautiful…

    I think for me..2010 will be a make or break year in many ways….big changes afoot i am thinking..

  12. onthecurb January 3, 2010 at 6:53 pm #

    Well said.

  13. B January 4, 2010 at 3:21 pm #

    I agree with your commenters. I think I feel better just for reading that.

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