Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.

30 Dec

I’m eating my lunch at one of the long white table in the lunch room, the tops dirty and sticky with the remnants of the last people. I take care to brush the crumbs away, wipe the wet spots. Someone else sits down, takes out his lunch. Wags around his brown banana. I make a face before I realize it.

“What?” he asks combatively. “What’s your problem?|

I start internally, nonplussed. “I don’t have a problem. I just detest overripe bananas. I like mine firm, a little green, so they’re sweet and almost like candy.”

He scoffs. “You’re always so negative. You’re SUCH a negative person, you know that?”

I dryly chew down what’s left of my lunch, and leave the room quietly.

******************

Why is the realist always negative nelly, the dreamer the optimist?

Why can’t we have our negative thoughts without it being a detriment to us, or those around us?

When my mother died, I had the same thoughts as everyone else. That it was a relief-that she was finally released from pain and suffering and disease, and moved on to, where ever. The pain was done. But I ached and I hurt and I pined for her, for my mother, and when those pitying old ladies with the laquered hair and nude nails cooed at me and told me it was all right, she was in heaven with god and all the pretty ponies, I just wanted to ball up my 11 year old fist and pummel them within an inch of their repulsive little lives.

I didn’t of course. My mother never raised me to be a snotty little brat. So I smiled sweetly, and felt bad for, well, feeling badly. For not seeing the silver lining. For having the nerve to be ungrateful.

I missed my mother then, already. But had to view her passing as a blessing I should give thanks for.

2009 has sucked my ass. Yes I’m thankful for the blessing of stability that I have. I’m so fucking happy to not be bouncing off walls moodwise, to not stare down the front of a city bus and think about my death, to not spend my time chronicling the million ways life has let me down. I’m thankful that I’m a better mother.

But to all the people who say I should focus on the good things, and not the bad, in that twee voice that makes me cringe?

Fuck you. I own my unhappiness as much as my joy. And I value each as the lesson they truly are.

I lost my job at the beginning of this year, the first job that defined who I was, work-wise, but also a job I despised, working for a woman who bullied her employees to the point that they couldn’t function. But try as you might, to a degree, who you ARE is tied up in your job, and this hit me harder than I thought it would. Inside, I felt horrid, as my who and why crumbled and I sat desperately trying to scoop them up in my arms.

I got a handle on this, but dealt with my marriage, unsteady, with no fixed goal. But I thought it was a stumbling block, a road we were unsure of. I figured with time, we’d work it out.

November gave me the answer. He wanted to leave me.

I’ve been married since I was around 20 years old. As someone was nice enough to point out-this is the person I was with for the entire adult life so far. I hadn’t thought about it like that, and once I did, no wonder it felt like he was taking my arm as well as the couch. I loved my family. I loved the idea of having a family, of a mother and a father and children in their little house, making a home.

But he didn’t, not like I do, he didn’t want this, at least not with me. And that’s the hump that’s hard to take. That I don’t fit in his worldview anymore.

But I will survive. I will move on, and maybe I’ll meet someone and fall in love and maybe I’ll meet someone and have lots of sex and maybe I’ll be content, on my own for awhile. Change happens, and change is good.

But fuck you if you think I’m not entitled to my anger.

I’ve read posts where people offer their gratitude to the universe, and I salute them, as I cannot do that right now. I’ve read posts chatsizing people for expressing anger when they should be grateful for what they do have, and that if they’d just stop expressing anger, then maybe good things would be around them and bless them.

Fuck you, I’m angry. You hear that 2009? I’m pissed off at you!

Bad things happen everyday. I’ve had enough really bad things happen to know that it’s random in many cases, without cause. They just do. We aren’t entered in a global keno draw. And if all things are relative, no one is dead, no one is dying of an incurable disease, and syphillis hasn’t eaten my cheeks off.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to be angry and hurt, or the right to talk about it.  Aren’t we told enough to be good kittens and keep all the bad stuff in? Don’t we get told enough times to suck it up and keep moving? I know I have. Sometimes I’m negative-I call it realistic. My head isn’t always in the clouds, and it’s who I am. I acknowledge the badness in my life, the horror and the agony, and make it mine.

I’ve had numerous people tell me that divorce is great, new people, new life. And yes, that part is appealing.

But not nearly as painful and terrifying as facing an empty bed after 12 years.

I claim my anger, and I claim it here. 2009 can suck it.

**********

I am who I am. I have opinions about things. I have emotions about things too. And this year is one I’d like to forget. This year, the end of this decade, hell, the majority of this decade-years I’d like to lose. 2009 has been my slimy brown banana, edible yes, but detestable all the same.

Let me be angry. Then let me move on to the new year, all fresh and green and hopefully, sweeter than candy.

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11 Responses to “Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”

  1. Bon December 30, 2009 at 10:10 pm #

    you have every right.

    and if by “nice,” in mentioning the, erm, whole adult life thing, you actually meant “snotty insensitive cow”…i’m sorry. but it IS a big thing. it is legit that it feels like your arm. if it ONLY feels like your arm, you’re doing good.

    i do believe that someday, you will likely emerge triumphant and better for this cleaving. but. but. but. for now, no. for now, you’re wise to grieve and be angry and be hurt and be whatever the fuck you need to be, because if you blow sunshine up your own ass for the sake of being a good girl, you’ll explode. and teach your kids that real feelings don’t matter, in the process.

    the day i moved out of my ex’s little apartment in Korea was January 6th, Epiphany, nine years ago. in my journal that night i copied Dorothy Parker’s words because i couldn’t quite find any of my own. the poem captured the strange, fey, dire freedom i felt, suddenly unmoored from my whole life. and the image of burnt bridges captured, for me, the sense of destruction and rage and sorrow that accompanied it all.

    Sanctuary

    My land is bare of chattering folk;
    The clouds are low along the ridges,
    And sweet’s the air with curly smoke
    From all my burning bridges.

    xo.

  2. thordora December 30, 2009 at 11:03 pm #

    no, I did NOT mean snotty cow. I would have said that. 🙂 I meant it as nice-that someone DID point out what I was missing, that he WAS and IS and WILL BE a huge part of me, and that I should honor that for what it is.

    I’ll be honest-hearing you say the other night was 9 years, and seeing the smile on your face and thinking of you and Dave tweeting across the house and your awesome little people and your lovely home-I felt better. I KNEW it could be alright again-because it is for you.

    and that poem? Is lovely and just right.

  3. sweetsalty kate December 31, 2009 at 12:09 am #

    Oh for chrissakes. Grimacing at an overripe banana does not mean you’re a negative person. The fact that the dude in the lunch room leapt to that conclusion only means that the dude in the lunch room needs to get laid.

  4. sweetsalty kate December 31, 2009 at 12:10 am #

    (to clarify: I am not chrissaking you. I am chrissaking lunch room dude.)

    (on every other point, I ditto Bon. As always.)

  5. thordora December 31, 2009 at 8:18 am #

    oh dude is a douche. A HUGE douche. Still, it’s always stuck with me how little he sees, and how quick to judge he, and most people are.

    And if you met him, you’d know he NEVER gets laid 😛

  6. kelly December 31, 2009 at 8:27 am #

    get good and mad. Boiling mad or sick with despair. How else can one truly honor the pain? I, for one, am here reading and acknowledging it even if i rarely say so.

  7. Hannah December 31, 2009 at 8:42 am #

    Banana guy? DOUCHE NOZZLE. Utterly. I would have a hard time not telling him to suck it.

    2009? Can kiss my large white arse. It’s been just a horrible year, in lots of ways. And yes, there have been many good things too… but I am also tired of smiling and nodding wisely and agreeing that things could be worse. Of course they could. But they’re pretty crappy right now, thanks.

    Be angry. I would be. Hell, I’m angry FOR you.

  8. flutter December 31, 2009 at 6:45 pm #

    um fuck overripe banana dude. It takes a negative douchebag asswipe to call someone negative. Wait, I just called HIM negative. Shit.

  9. Liz December 31, 2009 at 8:30 pm #

    You are so entitled to your anger and rage. It’s been 4 years since my divorce and I still have my moments. In fact, I just wrote my ex mother-in-law a scathing email. A comment of hers to my kids over X-mas triggered my anger of having my 13 year marriage to her son (married at age 20) end. It felt good to just get a little bit more of that rage out of my body. I probably shouldn’t have but it felt good and I feel lighter. I am even remarried too. So yeah, the anger is a bitch. It tends to stick around for awhile. My ex- had been cruising to trade me in for a younger women after I had my second child…and he is now currently with a woman 13 years younger. This continues to piss me off to no end when I think of…… the faded stretch marks on my breasts and tummy, 3 am feedings, icy mornings I went to work and dropped the babies off at my moms, money I made and gave, endless work hours, laundry done, floors swept,soccer practices in the muggy heat, ballet lessons after work, babies burped, boring play dates, lonely days staying at home with babies, toilets cleaned, meals cooked, early Saturday mornings playing with toddlers, Sundays spent cleaning and cooking and preparing for the next week, dinners, lunches, breakfasts, bath, kids’ doctors appointments, dishes, tears, poop, vomit and the list goes on and on and on and on. Right now my ex- is in Miami partying with his 23 year old and I just finished asking my 9 year old comprehension questions to make sure that he did in fact read his book for 45 minutes as he is required to do every day. And I am remarried. I have a new husband to comfort and help me.

    So Thordora, you are absolutely correct to feel loads and loads and loads of anger and rage.

    I don’t know if you read one of my previous posts…but I had recommended a book called “Mama Gena and the School of Womanly Arts” on the “can’t handle mothering” post. There’s a chapter called “Partying With Your Inner Bitch” which talks about how to make use of your anger. Parts of the book may seem kind of corny but it helped me soooooo much. One of your other readers said it was helpful and turned her around too. It’s a like a primer on how to find out what you want/desire and how to get to a place of joy and gratitude. I know you want to say “fuck that” where you are right now but this book may be worth a shot.

    Not saying you should be in a place of joy/gratitude…..you should be right where you are….angry and pissed and raging.

  10. lili January 1, 2010 at 1:03 pm #

    I too get sick of other people telling me how to feel,be, or act. This is my body and mind, I am the landlord, and if I choose to clean it, wreck it, or set fire to it-it’s mine to do.

    Everyone else can handle their bodies and mind their own ways.

    As Nikola Tesla says:

    Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter.

    Ride the wave honey. Do it any damn way you want.

  11. Kelly January 25, 2010 at 1:57 pm #

    Of course you have a right to your pain, hurt and anger. Why can’t people allow us to feel that, to verbalize it, without trying to point out the bright side? Because right now? I’d rather just wallow in my misery, I don’t have it IN me to see the bright side. It’s hidden by dark clouds. One day, I’m sure I’ll see it. But today is NOT that day. It’s not that we’re dwelling on the negatives. But this is a process that takes time, and trying to skip the “not happy” parts is a mistake, because you need to deal with those times in order to ever heal.

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