“The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.

12 Dec

It’s starting to roll off my lips easier now.

Divorce

My Ex

The father of my children

Cold, sheltered descriptives, indicative of the past, foreshadowing a new future. I still stumble and say husband occasionally, laugh inside as I remember how saying husband felt weird for the longest time. Then I wonder, is we’re still technically married, do I still call him husband? Or is the split, the one I felt and ignored for the longest time, is that what’s meaningful?

Cause I’m black and white in some ways, and with people I’m a fucking lightswitch. I’m on, or I’m off. And the switch, it’s taped down McGuyver style now, those married life feelings tucked away. Maybe, like the clothing I’ve held on to from high school, I’ll only look at them fondly once in awhile, but maybe, I’ll shake them out in a few years and try them out with someone else. But now, they are stored, like cargo, and my heart is freer for it.

I’ve had people tell me you are so different lately! So happy, so much prettier, that I even sound better. And I probably do because the weight of being in pain, of wondering why trying to love hurt, it’s gone. The weight of all these years, of wondering what in the fuck is so wrong with me, what I’m not doing or what I am doing-it’s fluttered off and I was glad to see it go. I feel joy, and happiness, just the sheer plain peace of not being sad, not being tense. I feel like I’m starting to be whole person again, instead of waiting for someone to meet me half way.

I’m going out. I’m talking to other men, other women, I’m laughing, really laughing, I’m singing again, I’m going out in public and not feeling anything-no anxiety, no worry, because there’s this exhilirating freedom in my chest now, and I want to squeeze it until it bleeds. Even just the simple act of going to the bookstore is ripe with possibility.

How I have missed possibility.

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8 Responses to ““The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.”

  1. ifbyyes December 12, 2009 at 6:52 pm #

    I remember when I broke up with my ex, I felt a mix of emotions. I felt paralyzed, shocked, miserable… but also a feeling which was somewhat akin to vertigo: I was dizzied by the possibilities opening up before me.

    I no longer knew the future. But that meant the future could hold anything.

    And I found that the future turned out like a dream come true.

  2. tanya December 13, 2009 at 1:29 am #

    i found you through sweet/salty. this is the only post i read and i feel like you are speaking what my soul is afraid to say.

    “And I probably do because the weight of being in pain, of wondering why trying to love hurt, it’s gone. The weight of all these years, of wondering what in the fuck is so wrong with me, what I’m not doing or what I am doing-it’s fluttered off and I was glad to see it go. I feel joy, and happiness, just the sheer plain peace of not being sad, not being tense. I feel like I’m starting to be whole person again, instead of waiting for someone to meet me half way.”

    Except i am in it … feeling the what is so wrong with me.

    • thordora December 13, 2009 at 10:51 am #

      You’ll get there.

      I don’t think it was just me or just him. Just two people in the wrong place.

      Like I told someone else I know-I believe we have paths in life, and choices. When we take the right road, we know, because while it might be hard, it’s also just “right”

      When we take the wrong one, when we see what we should do or what we need and walk away from it, it might be easy, but it’s also full of pain.

      I may have never gotten off this path if he hadn’t pushed the issue. And considering how GOOD I feel now-as much as he’s hurt me, I should thank him. I haven’t felt this much peace in years.

      Find your path, and jump.

  3. wn December 13, 2009 at 7:50 pm #

    I love this new header..and I love this writing…so inspired, so hopeful…so new.

  4. bromac December 14, 2009 at 12:56 pm #

    Is the fb pic post-split? You look so fresh and happy in that picture.

  5. thordora December 14, 2009 at 3:22 pm #

    It is. And I feel like that too. 😀

  6. Vicki December 15, 2009 at 11:51 am #

    I am still having a hard time finding the right words to describe him. In more cynical conversations with those who know my dark sense of humor, I’ve called him the Sperm Donor. In public with others I’ve stumbled several times. I don’t know if he’s my ex since we’re still married, my “babies’ daddy” as my brother tells me to call him (he’s younger, you’ll just have to roll your eyes like I did), or my future ex as my mom says I should call him (along with several other not nice names, she’s just a little peeved at him right now).

    On a side note, a friend of mine made the comment after seeing me in a restaurant out with the little ones that I looked happier. She said I was laughing more than I had in a long time and that it carries over into the rest of the room now. In certain ways I am happier but in certain ways I’m not. Thus the name of my blog. I’m trying to let go of that perfect picture I painted for myself and sometimes it’s just not easy. I hope you continue to have better luck with everything than I’ve had. At least one of us out there needs to have an amicable divorce.

  7. Steph January 25, 2010 at 1:01 am #

    Thodora,

    I’ve read your posts and I too want to wish you the best, I’m glad your feeling better and you seem to be attributing it to your freedom. Take it from somebody who knows and I’m not saying this to bring you down, I don’t know your relationship at all but I suspect the man you just let go is a good man and probably the best thing for you in the long run notice I said long run. The short term high feeling I suspect will be fleeting. I read a post today about BP and therapy in there a gentlemen tells the story of his wife, this story must be very common in bipolar people shades of it appear in a lot of different blogs but I’m going to copy and paste it here for you to read. Its a response about therapy but the story seems like it could be you or others with BP. I’m not saying discount the past just be cautious about your future and leaving this guy just might not have had the stamina that this article describes.

    I don’t find myself disagreeing with anything thats been said. I too find the shopping for therapist comment amusing because that is what goes on most of the time, lets face it you have a choice the hard way or the easy way? Well we know most people take the easy way out but one truth that has been constant since the begining of time is that doing the right thing is hard. I know it is particularly difficult for people with BP. I am married to a women with BP and the story lines described above are all too familiar. Pushing me away doing self destructive things, that in the beginning seem to right for the moment but out on the horizon you can see that it will be a bigger drag on the person and the relationship. Spending too much money for that momentary satisfaction that is so fleeting and guess what back to the same consequences and dilema’s which precipitate the depression in the first place. The therapist that is more of a friend than actively treating the person doesn’t realize that they are harming the person they are treating, they think they are being helpful. We did find a good therapist it took a while because there are a lot of pretenders out there but if your searching you should find someone who specializes it filters out a lot of the ones that won’t help. Anyway back to what I was saying doing the right thing, particularly in the beginning is hard, very hard. Even for good moral upright people because they see everybody else taking the shortcut seemingly without consequences. Believe me there are consequences though, and in the case of BP the consequences are never getting any better, repeating the mistakes of the past tossing away great relationships in favor of what is perceived as something better. I know I’ve been through this with my wife. What actually started to work though was we found a therapist (she didn’t want my input but finally relented and now feels like it was the best decision of her life) who was a specialist who told her therapy is not just for the hour on the couch she came in but required her work on skills outside the office and do that which she was afraid to do, which was really make changes in her behavior that she knew was not productive in the long term to her well being. At first she was slow and lazy about it but its like excercise hurts a lot in the begining and the benefits were hardly noticeable but the changes began to take hold and she found that the more she did the better her life became all the while this simultaneously improved the depression because she found that her life was improving those situations that served as triggers for her negativity where no longer there to put her back in the funk. So it served as a self reinforcing mechanism. Her self destructive relationships that she had engaged in all too often in the past she know longer looked on as fondly, in fact she came to view them as she told me like those relationships on the other persons part (typically sexually) taking advantage of her problems and they were out to get what they could, while they all didn’t do so in the begining after coming to understand she had a problem they would just continue to use her primarily for the sex, sometimes money but when that died out they would disappear only to reappear occassionally to see if they could get more from her. She likened it to a petiphile or someone who took advantage of the handicapped. Well she put it all behind her and we built a fantastic relationship. I asked her how she knew in her condition that I was the one. She told me our relationship had been born in friendship and through our on and off again periods of time that she inherintly knew that I was different. Even though there were times she felt I was a thorn in her side. She said it was what she needed even though it seemed to be the wrong thing at the time and resulted in her rebelling and pushing me away. She said change is hard but doing what the therapist asked of her particularly outside the sessions (which was work make no mistake about it, and very hard with someone with BP) really worked. So I think the tip off of a good therapist is are they requiring anything of the patient or are they just listening to the problems only to repeat next week. Something that I suggest that really improved her situation was the Empowerplus suppliment. I thought it was dubious at first also. We thought why not give it a try the medications the psychiatrist gave only got us so far and her diet wasn’t that good, so I knew she wasn’t getting the right nutrion to begin with, causing a host of other problems. I know there is some contreversy about this but its only vitamins and minerals and we ultimately felt it couldn’t do much harm, luckily her doctor had heard of the suppliment and the potential upside, albeit annectodotal evidence is strong and was open minded enough to work with us. For us it was nothing short of a miracle but thats just our expierience. You have to make that choice yourself though. We were willing to try newer options because the alternatives had largely been exhausted. My wife also said by decreasing the meds that numb feeling she had, which also was sabotaging our relationship by not allowing her to feel the normal bumps and ups and downs we all feel brought her out of that zone as she calls it. So does therapy work, yes I believe it does but only if the person is willing to make a change in their life if they want to go on with the status quo then they will stay as that 20 something year old person my wife was trapped in for so very long. Good luck to you, only someone like me who has gone through what you are going through totally gets it but keep up the good fight all is not lost let us know about your success or failure.

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