Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

1 Dec

I rub raw the space on my right ring finger where the cheap ring he bought once sat. The stone was cheap, but the sentiment, the presentation so sweet, hidden in a bag of children’s jewels, the ones that came in bulk at the Disney Store, hidden in a pot of mums. I remember being touched, truly touched and pleased that day, content with only the flowers and the pretend jewels from my daughters, prodded to find the ring deep inside.

I took that ring off yesterday, and don’t plan to put it back on.

It’s meaning is less than one which would rest on a left ring finger, vein to the heart. That meaning is carved onto my wrist, a forever which never came, but did at the same time, in the form of two small persons. I stare at it, my Mobius, my idea so long ago, and wonder, should I cover it? Change it? Leave it in stasis? I can’t just take it off. Unlike a wedding ring, I can’t heave it at his head or drop it down a drain.

But I could take that other ring off, once a symbol of love, now, just another cheap piece of metal and glass, lying forlorn on my writing desk. My hand absently looks for it, to twirl around my finger, to fiddle with. But it doesn’t miss it. My hand might gasp a startled question at itself, forgetting for a moment it’s not there., but it shrugs and moves on. That ring was a ghost, a cypher. Obligation made round. A reminder for me, of the burden I always was.

A reminder as well, that my future will include, eventually, someone who wants to buy me a pretty ring purely because it will make me happy, bring a smile to my face when I look at it. A reminder that I want in my life only someone who will look at me and smile, happy with their life, with me.

A reminder that the good things, the happy things in life should be so great, so many, that I will hardly remember each one. A reminder that love shouldn’t hurt.

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10 Responses to “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.””

  1. misspuddingfood December 1, 2009 at 8:38 pm #

    You should buy yourself a nice little ring to put in it’s place. Kind of a “I am awesome” ring, or something…

  2. flutter December 1, 2009 at 10:27 pm #

    it won’t always hurt

  3. Bad Mummy December 1, 2009 at 11:23 pm #

    When I took off my wedding rings (which I paid for, thank you) I took to wearing a silver ring on my right hand ring finger.

    I worry that you are expecting great things in the way of love and relationships once he is gone. I wish, of course, good things for you. But it isn’t a smooth road to love after love, to put yourself at risk again. I can’t even look at a man without thinking ahead to his appropriateness as a stepdad figure. To say nothing about the obsessiveness I’ve struggled with when it comes to the men who don’t call. The men who hurt me. Wondering what it is about me that doesn’t earn me a second glance.

    I’m not a fan of romance, so I find it better to expect the worst and hope that, one day, I’ll be pleasantly surprised by a man who is all I dream of. And I wish the very same for you.

    • thordora December 2, 2009 at 7:30 am #

      I have hope, but I have no illusions. And no real desire for another mate, not at this point. A “friend”, yes. But someone to bring home to actually meet the girls and share my life? No.

      I’m tired of having to worry about someone else, wonder about them. I’ve worried about why he doesn’t look at me twice, why he can’t talk to me or respond in kind. I have absolutely no desire to deal with that in a new relationship after the past few years.

      I grew up imagining I would be alone, happily, most of my life. While I can dream about finding the perfect someone who compliments me and enhances my life, who makes me happy, I know this may never happen.

      And that’s ok too.

  4. bromac December 2, 2009 at 12:43 pm #

    Hang in there, girl.

  5. Kelly O December 2, 2009 at 4:21 pm #

    Talking tattoo philosophy: Every tattoo I have is a symbol of who I was at the time. Even if things have changed, even if I’VE changed, the tattoo represents something that was true and real at one time.

    xoxo

    • thordora December 4, 2009 at 7:13 pm #

      I don’t think I’ll cover it. He’s part of my life, period, even if WE didn’t end well. I wouldn’t have these two fricken awesome girls if not for him-a gift I can never repay.

  6. Marcy December 2, 2009 at 10:19 pm #

    To have no illusions, and yet to love. EM Forster, Howards End.

  7. Quadelle December 3, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    There are so many symbols and reminders in the everyday, probably all going through a metamorphosis of meaning. I hope you can make re-cast the symbols in a way that brings you peace.

  8. Titanium December 4, 2009 at 7:05 pm #

    Sometimes, when you buy your own flowers and water your own garden- a perfect stranger stops to admire the beauty, the strength and the courage of individuality.

    Sometimes, that stranger becomes your best friend.

    Cultivate your life, your garden… the absence of a ring is rarely noticed when gardening.

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