Where I whine and act like a baby, cause there’s nothing left.

18 Nov

Increasingly I find myself spiraling into a bad place. I sit on the bus thinking “Your pdoc’s card is in your wallet. Just reach in, find the card, and call. You need her-this is what she’s there for.”

But the blubbering and the hissy fit in my head refuse to listen, babble back at me that I’m being a baby, and I should just stop whining, chin up, and soldier on.

I have no where to collapse with this, no arms to rely on, no voice to tell me it will be better. I’m right fucking back there, this place I despise and was told to spurn, you know the one. The time out rug in the corner at alone. I didn’t see a future colored like this, where I had to throw back to the me I saw at 17, only this time she had kids and a mortgage and she’s fucking terrified of all of it! and wants to leap up onto an offramp, stick out a thumb and make for Mexico. Or worse,  I hear the swan song of voice which has tempted in the past, and lo, as much of an easy route that may seem, it’s not, but it’s tiring and depressing fending off it’s rude advances all the time.

Over and over two things play in my head.

This isn’t my life.

Fuck me, I hate this life.

I don’t want to be alone. I never wanted to be alone again, and yet here I sit. I’m so fucking scared of the weakness invading, of a slip, a fall, something in my head knocking itself over and ruining me. I can hardly cry anymore because everything has been so blunted that it’s merged into one horrifying numbness, made worse by the fact that only I feel it’s pain. How awful to be scorned, but worse for the other to feel nothing but pleasure in release. What a horrid fool I really was in thinking I couldn’t be alone.

I have no one. I really and truly have no one, stupidly moving to a province with nothing, relying on a father who will just as surely leave as he comes, as he pleases. Nothing but me and two daughters who need me to find strength where I don’t believe any is left.

I don’t want to crawl from my bed in the morning. There’s nothing to face that isn’t horrid. A life full of nothing, alone, dreams destroyed.

I’m so tired of this. What am I doing so wrong that everything needs to fall apart every few years? Why is there nothing I can’t destroy?

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11 Responses to “Where I whine and act like a baby, cause there’s nothing left.”

  1. slouchy November 18, 2009 at 1:17 am #

    Ugh, babe, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Wish there were something I could do, or say, to make it better. But maybe being here is something? So that you know I am listening, and nodding my head, and wishing things were different for you. Which I think they will be, hopefully soon.

    xox

  2. Quadelle November 18, 2009 at 1:22 am #

    Hugs. Silence. Hugs. Tissues. Sympathetic noises. Hugs.

    Okay, virtual sympathy doesn’t cut it like IRL, but it’s what I’ve got to give from 11,000 kms away.

    Plus, I’m supposing that right now you just need us to listen to you moan & groan and release all your misery.

    If we were there we would then see the shift, when you were spent of misery and ready for some encouragement. We’d know when you were open to hearing of how strong you are, how much you’ve learned, how greatly you’ve grown. That while things may have had a tendency to fall apart every few years it’s a) not been solely your fault and b) not an inevitable pattern. That you’ve used difficult times to develop and change before, and you can do it again. That you are bigger than this. Strong enough for this. Able to do this and get through. That if you need to call in reinforcements that you absolutely should. Being strong and able doesn’t equal doing it entirely alone but using your resources wisely.

    Those spiral of negative thoughts? It would be good to do some work on stopping those because they are not your friends. Have you heard much about mindfulness?

  3. misspuddingfood November 18, 2009 at 4:42 am #

    I remember your posts from, shit, almost five years ago (that’s how long ago I remember you from that damn Blogging Baby site). Before you got medicated and before you were medicated successfully.

    I remember you got through that. You got through that pit of darkness and not knowing what would happen next.

    I think, as much as this sucks, you have made it through much worse. You are so strong, darling. You have a huge support network (sure, we’re not right there, but we’re here).

    Whenever you get those negative thoughts, write a post. Send a message. And remember how fucking incredibly strong you are. You will love again. You will be loved (you ARE LOVED!).

  4. Kelly O November 18, 2009 at 7:39 am #

    Call your therapist, love. You can weather this, too. xoxo

  5. Jennifer November 18, 2009 at 8:48 am #

    You need to call your therapist. Right fucking now.

    Of COURSE you have someone. Who the hell are we?

    You are NOT alone. Your girls see you as their shinning sun, they have you as part of their universe. Do NOT take that from them Jada. Get thee to a doctor. Don’t try to be a martyr and “suck it up”. I recognize that place you are heading, and it will only get worse, one negative thought begets another.

    Kick it to the curb!

  6. wn November 18, 2009 at 9:18 am #

    I know this might not be of great solace…and might not count for a whole lot….but I am here, we are here. We care, truly care.

    I haven’t known you for as long as many of the other commenters…but I have a sense of your history through our conversations and also through the archives that I read on your blog. What I am getting is that you have a solid core strength that is quite astounding. You have been through hell and back….and have still managed to make me smile, on several occasions.

    I think you can do this….with grace….and with strength that you have forgotten you have.

    If you need professional help (which I am sensing might be a good idea)…. please ask for it…and if you need friends…come here here….you never need to ask with me.

  7. Marcy November 18, 2009 at 10:08 am #

    Divorce is a MAJOR stressor. Not a suck it up thing. Definitely call the doc. Make use of all the resources you have. Call in all the favors you’re owed. You’ve got to go through the grief to get through it.

    I continue to pray for you.

  8. Emma November 18, 2009 at 1:12 pm #

    You are way tough, and way awesome, and we are all here cheering like mad for you. Hell, I’ll pull some pompoms from the basement.

    There is no way you’re going to let this get you down.

  9. sweetsalty kate November 18, 2009 at 2:14 pm #

    Marshall what you need without hesitation. Misspuddingfood is right. You’ve weathered triggers and stressful times before. You know what you need.

    Here with you. xo

  10. B November 18, 2009 at 2:34 pm #

    I think I’m in love with Jennifer’s advice. I can’t say much more than she already said, particularly the part about calling your therapist. You are not alone. Even when you feel like it. Keep reaching out here and everywhere else you can think of. Just don’t shut down. There is too much you have left to do to give into that.

  11. James December 16, 2009 at 12:08 pm #

    The website was exactly fantastic! Lots of nice information and inspiration, both of which we all need!

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