Humbug

16 Nov

Bah.

I’m sick. I’m depressed-ish. I’m cranky and quiet like a small child with no friends, feeling the lack of physical affection in a way that makes me wish I never ever had it. I lived for years with no one touching me-I can do it again, right?

Sigh. I don’t want to. I crave affection. I crave the simple touch, more than I’ll ever crave sex. Maybe I’m old for this to happen. Maybe I’m just too sick and all I want is to fall backwards into someone, safely, have my back rubbed and my hair played with. (Maybe not on this last part-my hair hurts when I’m sick)

What bothers me right now, is the heaving sigh of irritation at which I’m staring at Christmas. The effort. The stuff. I don’t want to play happy family for Christmas, I don’t want to go shopping, I don’t want to pretend that anyone wants to get my a present I just want to bury my head in the sand and wait for it to all go away.

I usually like Christmas. I love the sounds and the smells and the paper and the newness. The potential. Right now though, I’m in an eeyore place and only seeing the bad things. The money I can’t afford to spend. The things they won’t get, the happy mother they won’t have. While I’m ok with the principal behind our separation, I don’t want to be alone, and it echoes in my chest, the thought of not being a family, a true family for this Christmas, first of many.

So I’m likely fatalistic, sitting here trying to breathe and now sweating from this sickness that won’t leave me. But I’d like to skip to January if you don’t mind, to where it might be better, and I won’t have to paste on that fake smile and try to not snap at my kids.

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12 Responses to “Humbug”

  1. kelly November 16, 2009 at 8:50 am #

    You don’t have to pretend with us, and I hope that helps. Thinking of you.

  2. bromac November 16, 2009 at 9:24 am #

    Use the girls to help you get excited. Feed off their energy and excitement over the holidays.

  3. slouchy November 16, 2009 at 9:28 am #

    What Kelly said. I hear you. Christmas is a tough one.

  4. Jürgen Nation November 16, 2009 at 10:33 am #

    I’m sorry, chica. You’re not alone though, no matter how much you may think you are. I go a little crazy around this time of year. The season makes me claustrophobic, paranoid that things should be a certain way and a failure if they’re not. Write yourself through this. You’re too strong to be felled by it.

  5. B November 16, 2009 at 2:30 pm #

    I haven’t enjoyed Christmas since 2003. I remember the exact feeling of lying on the couch, crying, wishing that I hadn’t read an e-mail that shattered what was left of my hope and love. Fast forward to 2005 and suddenly I have a child. We’ve never been a family. It’s just he and I. Every Christmas, I’m poignantly reminded of that.

  6. misspuddingfood November 16, 2009 at 3:21 pm #

    Want me to send you some gingerbread men? What’s the saying? “The Perfect Man. He’s always smiling, doesn’t talk, and if you get pissed at him, you can bite his head off.”

    🙂

  7. Kelly O November 16, 2009 at 4:35 pm #

    Hang in there, man. One foot in front of the other. You’ll get through this and come out better for it.

  8. Marcy November 16, 2009 at 7:42 pm #

    Whatever it is, be all there.

    And I hope you get better and have more than a week of being healthy this time.

  9. raino November 16, 2009 at 10:51 pm #

    i wish you the strength to get through this if only for the kids. you will…

  10. Jennifer November 17, 2009 at 1:33 pm #

    We can be poo poohs together.

  11. thordora November 17, 2009 at 1:52 pm #

    I’m feeling pretty fucking poo poo about everything today. I mean truly, what else can I fuck up this year? Really glad it’s almost NOT 2009.

  12. Quadelle November 18, 2009 at 1:02 am #

    Being sick right now seriously sucks timing-wise. It surely can’t be helping what would be difficult anyway. Unload here as much as you like, because you’ll need that. You’re entitled to feel like crap, to have zero interest, to want to hide in a hole and cry.

    I know there are lots of things you do not because they’re easy or you like them but because it’s in the best interest of your girls. Well, this is one of them. After you unload your misery we’ll be cheering you to get back in the game and make Christmas good for your kids. Because they’re kids, and as much as you didn’t ask for or deserve the misery of now, that is doubly true for them.

    You can do this. I know you can.

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