Think not on the bipolar mother.

14 Oct

I read my email, my breath stricken, sliding down my chest, a friend, writing in response to my everything ok? her response most definitely not ok, not to me, not really.

I’ll leave her to out herself if she wishes, but she’s wonderfully aware of the magic our world provides and harbours a distinct talent for molding words into her wishes. She writes as I wish I could have already, years ago.

My mother, she admits, diagnosed bipolar, meds again.

My heart, could it freeze and shatter, would be shards in my chest.

I think of me, crawling on a floor, blindly crying filled with black rage and pain.

I think of my rejection of my children, my inability to think of them as people I need to protect.

I think of the paranoia which poured from my eyes, my arms, my mouth. How daggered and poisoned it was.

I imagine my daughters dealing with it, newly born, as teenagers, as children old enough to understand just enough what’s really going on. I imagine them handing me my meds or calling the doctor if I’m manic.

I imagine dealing with this while fragile and fifteen.

I can’t.

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5 Responses to “Think not on the bipolar mother.”

  1. kelly October 14, 2009 at 5:50 pm #

    I’m sorry for your friend. I’m sorry and sad, and just fucking angry at all emotional issues today.

    You amaze me, ya know that? I’m glad I can come here and read your words.

  2. flutter October 14, 2009 at 11:53 pm #

    Oh, God, me either.

  3. Emma October 15, 2009 at 6:00 pm #

    My God. Wow, oh, wow.

    I think the way I am getting through this is by pretending I am neither fragile nor fifteen. I function like a robot, and it’s not so bad. Really.

    But I don’t want to say “it’s okay”, because it really isn’t. It is, however, a work in progress.

    Also, you are amazing, and it makes me feel a thousand times better for the support and to have living, breathing example of how my mother can come out of this and make something of it. Thank you.

  4. schmutzie October 16, 2009 at 1:33 pm #

    This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/10/five-star-fridays-edition-75.html

  5. slouchy October 18, 2009 at 4:23 pm #

    oof. ouch. so much hurt.

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