Written

30 Sep

I started.

I always say that, in my head or allowed, assuming that thought and plotting counts as starting the writing. But this week, I really did.

I took the plunge, and started writing my book.

The first night of writing was like being punched, repeatedly in the stomach. The very act of writing down, in some cases, I’ve never actually spoken of-it drained like the flu might. Utterly from the bottom. Finding the narrative, the arc to pull my threads from-not nearly has hard as just buckling down and writing.

Blending fiction into my reality-pouring the years out onto paper, making them real outside. Not just real, but meaningful in a scope larger than that which I usually cram in this space.

Facing the person I’ve been.

I stared at my laptop last night, willing myself to write, and found myself scared. Shaking from wet memories I thought I had let go of, even without venting them to the outside. Memory that’s never been confronted.

Fear, untouched, burns.

I don’t know where this will go. With my history, I’ll likely play true to type and not finish, just another project I try and fail at.

But trying counts, right?

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14 Responses to “Written”

  1. ej September 30, 2009 at 9:26 pm #

    Trying absolutely counts! But finishing is good , too. Even if it takes a long time.

  2. Marcy September 30, 2009 at 11:28 pm #

    So many things you say and do make me want to stand up and roar with solidarity — and I rarely want to do that. Roar!

  3. flutter October 1, 2009 at 12:57 am #

    yes, it does. I am proud of you.

  4. sweetsalty kate October 1, 2009 at 1:41 am #

    This is so good. Just keep going. xo

  5. Quadelle October 1, 2009 at 7:59 am #

    Trying most definitely counts. Well done for starting. I hope you keep on trying.

  6. Sheri October 1, 2009 at 8:54 am #

    It’s so hard to start a project like that which is so emotionally charged. You may need to take a break, but that doesn’t mean it goes unfinished.

  7. bromac October 1, 2009 at 11:54 am #

    I imagine, while painfully difficult, that this journey could bring you catharsis with these past events. Good luck to you–

  8. Cheeky Monkey October 1, 2009 at 1:55 pm #

    Eliot said, “For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.”

    So: yes.

  9. Bon October 1, 2009 at 6:56 pm #

    trying counts, absolutely.

    i started too, finally, back in the spring and summer, before i went back to work. i didn’t get terribly far and it is now on longterm hold.

    but starting – just the very act of starting – changed something in me, made it an external, actual goal, this formal writing. rather than a secret hope i carried around like a pebble in a pocket, hoping somebody else would realize FOR me.

    starting made it mine. and made it less scary all at once.

    i hope the same for you. and finishing too, of course. but at least the gift that i’ve found starting to be.

  10. niobe October 1, 2009 at 7:14 pm #

    As they say: “a journey of a thousand miles begins with the letter A”

    Or something like that.

    You rock. Your book will rock.

  11. Marcy October 1, 2009 at 7:26 pm #

    You know, I could see where NaNoWriMo could be a really helpful way to approach a book like this — sort of forcing you to push through it and get a bunch of pages out — something you could go back through later.

  12. ifbyyes October 2, 2009 at 12:44 am #

    Trying is ALL that counts.

  13. March October 2, 2009 at 7:19 am #

    trying counts…
    trying is the beginning. 🙂

    I’m rooting for you!

  14. Sarah October 3, 2009 at 8:51 pm #

    i could have written that. word for word.

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