It is impossible to go through life without trust: That is to be imprisoned in the worst cell of all, oneself.

21 Jul

I ruminate about trust.

I argue with myself. I stare at the wall to quell my questioning brain, my nature. That nature to seal myself in.

I mentioned to someone at work how I trust no one, absolutely no one, and his face fell. Sadly he looked at me, muttered “That must suck.”

It does.

I always assumed trust was something you just had-that if you had to think about it, actively work at it, then perhaps your faith is misplaced. I get older and I don’t know anymore. I can’t blindly trust, not anymore. But working at it seems so contrary, so counter to the entire thing.

I’ve asked it before, but I ask it again-how do we trust? How do we feel safe in the belief that the people in our lives won’t hurt us, won’t betray us or leave us?¬† How do we find our footing on that path if we’ve become lost?

I worry you know, that I’ve totally lost my capacity for any sort of trust, and it saddens me. I want that glossy place of faith, or surety. I worry that I’ll totally revert to the girl waiting for someone to hurt her, instead of the woman sure she only has good people in her life.

Even new people-it’s so hard, so terribly drastically hard, even when I meet someone and they are totally, 100% getting me for once, something I never, ever have happen, and I just can’t break down that wall, this fencing I’ve placed around myself. I see them and I see hurt and laughter and whispered tweets or stories and I can’t imagine opening up at all, not totally as you might do with a good friend down the road.

My lack of trust is nearly suffocating at this point, but how do you fix it? Do you fall headfirst into it all, or do you just get used to life with less oxygen?

12 Responses to “It is impossible to go through life without trust: That is to be imprisoned in the worst cell of all, oneself.”

  1. Marcy July 21, 2009 at 9:47 pm #

    Everyone will hurt, disappoint, annoy, or otherwise betray us, at least once. But some people will apologize and mean it. Some people will work hard to hurt us as little as they can. Someone that hurts us all the time and doesn’t seem to care is not a good choice of companion. But even the best companion will fail us — does that make relationships not worthwhile?

    I think you’re right that blind trust is no longer an option.

    But can we choose to trust without blindness? Not trust that there will never be hurt, but trust that the relationship is worthwhile anyway?

    Surely there’s a wide continuum between “waiting to be hurt” and “only good people” — the hurts will come, even from the good people, but does waiting for them help anything? Could it possibly be better to somehow know the hurts will come, without investing energy in looking for them, but letting them come as they will?

    “To have no illusions, and yet to love,” remains one of my most powerful quotations. It’s from Howards End by E. M. Forster.

  2. Jennifer July 21, 2009 at 10:24 pm #

    I go through stints like that.

    You have to really ask yourself though. Do you feel that way about your girls?

  3. flutter July 22, 2009 at 12:56 am #

    fall head first, headlong and without fear. The ensuing, if it happens, will only remind you that you are alive. You will continue to thrive

  4. niobe July 22, 2009 at 9:11 am #

    Trust is waaay overrated.

    Trust me on this one.

  5. EJ July 22, 2009 at 11:39 am #

    Is there no middle ground between: “revert to the girl waiting for someone to hurt her, instead of the woman sure she only has good people in her life.”?

    I trust different people in different situations. Trust is not an an instant or quick thing. It takes years.

  6. Carin July 23, 2009 at 4:04 am #

    Blind trust is a dumb idea. Trust has to be earned. Just how you let someone earn that trust, though, is hard. I don’t know how to explain it. I just do with some people, and others not so much. You’re an observant person. Watch the folks around you and how they treat others, and obey your gut if you can…although I know your gut likes to mess with you sometimes, so I don’t know if that’s a good option sometimes.

    Sometimes when I’m walking down a street and I’ve decided I need directions, I will choose to walk past people and not ask them because my gut says don’t ask them. Even asking someone for a little help, for me, involves giving them some measure of trust, and some people, there is something about them that says they don’t even deserve that much. People still freak when they hear I ask random people for directions, which often for me turns into direct help because I’m blind and they decide to make sureI get where I’m going. but it’s not random. Some people don’t even get asked because the red flags go up and the alarm bells go off.

    But you’ll still make mistakes sometimes and some people will hurt you without meaning to. I guess the point is to minimize it as much as you can without locking yourself away. Balance, that dreaded balance.

  7. March July 23, 2009 at 2:13 pm #

    as I was reading, the thought that kept coming to me was that trust starts within ourselves. we must believe in ourselves so, and in our capacity to get up if fallen, in order to allow others to get close to us.
    People fail, as people are imperfect. we are imperfect and we fail others. it’s not that others won’t make mistakes and hurt us, it’s about our expectations on them. sometimes we have unrealistic ideas of what people will do or be for us before they even have a chance to say or do anything.
    not sure if I”m making any sense in what I want to say.

    I believe trust is about us knowing that we can recover from anything. and that is the hard part. sometimes we place the trust we must have on ourselves in others. Letting people close to you means making a choice, and taking responsibility for being wrong if we choose those that don’t deserve to be close to us.

    in all the bouncing around I’ve done, and in all the “fresh starts” we’ve had, the one constant thing is that there’s alwyas people that do get you, that do hear you and care about you. but you can’t just let eveyrone or anyone in. you must observe and listen and trust your own voice that one person or another is the correct one in your life.

    and that is the hardest thing. to trust yourself. to belive that you will be “given” the answers you’ll need. I know that your brain plays games on you sometimes, and to some degree that can be said of everyone (though most don’t have an official diagnosis). trust comes from listening to your own voice…

    did I make any sense?

  8. Marcy July 23, 2009 at 5:48 pm #

    I like that a lot, March. Thank you.

  9. green July 26, 2009 at 9:46 pm #

    I was raised not to trust. I was raised to rely only on myself. I was raised to handle everything myself, to count only on myself, to never bring my problems to others.

    Yet when I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast, I made friends with people who forced me to trust them little by little. Someone would call when I was sick and two hours later show up at my door with a box of tissues and ice pops. Friends found out I had to move and showed up with moving boxes and helped me pack. Fuckers just wormed their way in.

    I trust by taking a deep breath and diving in when told the water’s fine. And while sometimes it’s cooler or warmer than I expect, so far my friends are always right, and the water IS fine.

  10. Kudo Shinichi December 15, 2009 at 2:43 am #

    I totally agree with your blog post…I too had underwent worst scenario which cause me to be hurt in my studies by my aunty. Don’t give up with your philosophy!!! Gambateh!!!

  11. michael August 1, 2011 at 9:20 am #

    i feel like with out trust your a no buddy an you can go around liein to be cool you just need to be a good dude an keep a good attitude


  1. Middle « Becoming Three - July 24, 2009

    […] One friend wrote about whether she would always be waiting for someone to hurt her, or whether she could trust […]

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