On buses, walking, waiting, anywhere that a child slithers into my side, a woman will smile that wistful smile, one of waiting or wanting, and stare at the three of us. I can always feel the eyes on me, the same I cast on the unknowing 15 year olds when they walk past me, their hips free of their futures, their shoulders strong and dreaming.
Sometimes, like yesterday, we’ll rise to leave, to make our transfer or get the groceries and a smooth hand will reach for me, briefly hold my gaze and arm.
“Your daughters are beautiful.” she’ll whisper, almost to herself, a secret of gold on her tongue. She’ll smile at me sadly as we walk away, my hands gripping each child warmly.
These women, they are so very right.
There are days when everything is so very hard, where I am tired, or lonely, or just plain done with small creatures who talk and touch and harass and otherwise get thisclosetome all day long. I have to force myself to step back and marvel at how Vivian is so utterly curious with everything, so responsible and such an old soul. Or how Rosalyn can create a new little world in seconds using only the two ratty sticks she carries and the back of a coloring book. If I stop fretting and fluttering, and just breathe, I can see them, the women who will one day play chess for hours together, instead of arguing about the set up as they are this very minute.
I see them as beautiful women then. I see them strong, and brilliant, and talented and above all happy. Their beauty, today, comes from the light which bursts from them, from smiles and grinning eyes, from the peace we feel with each other, when I relax and settle into them, and allow today, as well as tomorrow, to nourish me.
Their happiness keeps me found, solid and firm as they ready themselves to fly. The beauty and strength they project, lights my way as well as their own.
Spin Me I Pulsate 
They are beautiful and I love how you appreciate them.
It’s hard somedays, but the times when I do step back and just let things be, just let myself focus on the now with them, the time I’ll never have ever again, it all snaps into place and I realize how truly blessed and lucky I am to have such incredible and beautiful creatures in my life.
“There are days when everything is so very hard, where I am tired, or lonely, or just plain done with small creatures who talk and touch and harass and otherwise get thisclosetome all day long.”
It’s like you live inside my head.
Oh darlin…I can only imagine how difficult it is right now-those two ages, everything else going on. I wish I could ease that a little for you, or, if all else failed, get you stinking drunk and let you sleep in the next day.
“shoulders strong and dreaming”…. oh, sigh. So beautiful thor. I always love your writing, no matter where it goes, but when you write like this it helps me breathe.
oh kate…you have no idea how much I needed a compliment like that today. With you and Hannah around, one needs no inner self esteem. 🙂
About an hour ago I just got knocked to my knees with “Night mommy! I love you!” My world stood still for a few minutes. Beautiful post, my dear.
Great post. It is helpful to borrow the eyes of strangers to look at our own kids, sometimes.
I needed to read that, I am all tight and angry like a fist. I need someone to tell me again, that there is so much beauty.
I needed to read this today. Thank you for perspective, deep breath, tommorrow will be better. One day it will be me who wistfully smiles and walks away.