Must remember the rabbit.

30 Jun

There’s a particular head cracking, throbbing pain that sends me immediately to my knees, an ache so fierce that sitting at a computer for longer than 10 minutes becomes unbearable.

sleep

my head whispers

I need to sleep

so I sleep longer. Harder. More. I could sleep for days.

The gift this summer won’t be mania. It shall be depression it seems.

It seeps in when you least expect it. Your schedule changes and your body doesn’t respond like it did when you were 22. The small voices start again, whispering paranoid delusions and crazy talk, mixing your world up with a stir and a spoon, causing fraction and friction.  Rubbing the skin right off. The “those” thoughts come back, the bad ones, the scary ones, the snickering demon voices daring me to live, daring me to ignore what they consider obvious. That I’m nothing more than flesh. That my life is borrowed, and pithy, and really quite meaningless. That those in my life would be better without me.

I fight them off. I struggle, the heaving sigh of breath from my chest which pulls me inside myself more and more, that keeps me locked in my home, that cuts me off even from most of you, here in this place that was so vital and vivid before.

It’s all turning into muddled black and white, grey upon grey. A struggle to move from the bed to the bathroom, to smile for those who find happiness so much easier than I do. I’m struggling, and it’s happened so fast I can barely blink to greet this doom.

I’m scared. I’m angry, no, I’m, pissed off that I’m facing this, again. I’m tired of facing my dragon, an exhaustion that trickles in my veins and weighs me down. I’m sick of being fucking unable to smile, of weeping at every conceivable turn. At feeling very much like a liability, and a problem to be dealt with.

I am so tired of failing at this, of flailing for a solution. Of telling myself I’m a good and worthy person who will get there, who will find her place in this world, come hell or high water.

I’m also sick of being the girl who forgets her medication every now and then, sending her stumbling down the rabbit’s hole. Remains to be seen how long it will take to bounce back from one day’s worth of inattention.

Just one more thing I can’t get right.

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18 Responses to “Must remember the rabbit.”

  1. Jennifer June 30, 2009 at 9:26 pm #

    This was not the rabbit that I thought you were trying to remember. :p

    Depression fucking sucks. BUT you have to remember that illness, is illness. Just because it doesn’t ooze, or grow a third leg, or develop a hump or cause one to drool doesn’t mean that it isn’t a very personal cancer.

    We as a society forget that. Hell, I’ve danced with the demon a time or two, not to the extent that you’ve waltzed with it, and I forget that I’m human, I’m broken by design and I’m not perfect.

    Keep popping those pills. Also, remember that the environmental issues … the impact your recovery. You no longer have a high stress job. Which is a plus, but I know that you have a lot of other things going on.

    Take care, and dude. Just over 5 weeks!

    • thordora July 3, 2009 at 12:23 am #

      I try and remember. It’s just like, the biggest fucking monkey in the room, and it LURVES me.

      And yes, soon!!!

  2. flutter June 30, 2009 at 11:17 pm #

    you are far more capable than you give yourself credit for

    • thordora July 3, 2009 at 12:23 am #

      You are more than likely correct. 🙂

  3. Kay July 1, 2009 at 2:54 am #

    When it comes out of nowhere is when it seems to hit the hardest – we should KNOW by now to expect it… yet we never do. It surprises me every time.

    I’ve learned that a single day of inattention leads to really bad results – a missed dose of my Pristiq and I get hit with sleep paralysis. I’ll take the sluggishness of medicated over that hell any day.

    I want to be the happy one, the reliable one… not the one that no one knows which me is going to show her face today. I want it to go away – dammit, I’ve been treating it for what seems like forever. I just want a break.

    Pissed off at it is good – it means you’re not completely sunken into the oblivion.

    • thordora July 3, 2009 at 12:24 am #

      Yes, a break. That’s exactly it. Just one day when I don’t need to remember that I’m sick.

  4. Marcy July 1, 2009 at 8:44 am #

    The other day a wave of depression hit me when I noticed the red towels I’d hung up in the bathroom the day before. Irritating how seemingly random depression is.

    Hoping this particular hole is shallow and has gently sloping sides with plenty of footholds.

    • thordora July 3, 2009 at 12:26 am #

      Yeah, for me it’s simple things like someone not returning a message or the fucking clusterfuck my house is, and how it’s my fault for picking the damn place in the first place.

      Or my ratty worn out towels.

      • Marcy July 3, 2009 at 8:51 am #

        Ah, those things get me, too, but at least they make sense. There’s nothing remotely depressing about towels hanging in a bathroom. Except they point to the “fact” that everything is meaningless, even good things.

  5. schmutzie July 2, 2009 at 3:09 pm #

    It’s terrible to watch the old thoughts roll in again. When they are gone, they seem so distant, almost impossible, and then they come back. Mine have been creeping in, too, and I wish I could relieve both of us of them.

    • thordora July 3, 2009 at 12:27 am #

      The worst part is this time, I can remember feeling good for awhile…so it’s almost worst. I can taste normal….that fucker…

  6. SwirlyAura July 2, 2009 at 7:23 pm #

    This is not you. This is not you at all and you know that. The past months have appeared so uplifting. You have been so happy. You were liberated from a job that was sucking the life out of you. You found a job that allowed you to spend more time with your girls. And you’ve begun work to be a midwife.

    YOU.ARE.NOT.FAILING.

    My therapist tells me the episodes come further and further apart until they come only once in ten years or so. I have seen you get them less this year. You are not failing, you are succeeding, but it will show its ugly head every once in a while.

    Have you talked to your doc?

    • thordora July 3, 2009 at 12:28 am #

      I was stable last time I saw my new doc, so I don’t have another appt til Sept. I warned her I worry about summer, and I can call if I need to.

      If it lasts much longer, I’m going to call.

      The problem with doing well is that a setback feels much, much worse.

  7. Marcy July 2, 2009 at 8:51 pm #

    SwirlyAura’s comment reminded me of something — taking risks, going for a dream, having things working out well, is, at least for me, likely to bring on some depression and / or anxiety.

  8. mb July 2, 2009 at 10:26 pm #

    ahhh. all i can say, and i say it with an open heart, is i feel you…i feel you.

    thank you for saying all this because i am too scared to say it when i am in the same space.

    peace, peace, peace
    mb

  9. B July 7, 2009 at 11:28 am #

    Thank you for voicing how tiring it can be to constantly feel like a problem for friends and family to deal with. For me, I don’t know how much of that is the depression and how much of it is actually reality. I just know that it’s one of the hardest things about being sick is constantly feeling sick and thinking that everyone else feels the same.

  10. Jimmy Sailer December 14, 2009 at 11:44 pm #

    Something I have been using is binaural beats – these sounds are amazing and can help you achieve more energy – better focus – more relaxed and for a good nights sleep.

  11. robert March 23, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    Don’t focuse on your BP just take your meds. I have a bad heart need to take my meds everyday for ever and ever. They make me tired. They make me lose intrest they make me live to see my family and that’s what its all about.

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