Hope is a waking dream.

22 Jun

Mostly the voices, they stay quiet. A misprint of  a thought, circling my head as I stand up to take a few steps through the long grass of time, into the future. They start as a chorus as I move, a low hum following.

shoo.”

They mutter to themselves, stare impudently at me. I grin and walk along.

I see a future laid out before me, and it scares me. My voices conspire to give me a reason to flail-my anxieties about dealing with new people, with organized systems with rules. I see the mistakes I can make, and might.

The broken brain, she grins back.

It doesn’t have to be this way, not this time.

****

So I’m staring at what will likely be the genesis of a career, in nursing, as a midwife, in healing. And I like that thought. I like the thought, I like that I now have a future plan, that I have a dream. You had dreams, right? Had them I imagine, at 10, at 17, at 25. Dreams of travel, of career success, of finding love and devotion, starry nights and mimosa.

I dreamed of staying alive. I dreamed of outrunning my demons. I dreamed of functioning well in a world I could barely hang on to.

The prosaic nature of having a simple goal, of a career, of something fulfilling I wish to do, it quiets the voices which haunt me with my failures. I have come back from the absolute pit, the darkness of no dream, teetering on death, to hold in myself so simple of a beauty.

Hope.

I can now believe in a future. I now look ahead to when we’re old and crotchety and throwing peanuts at little kids who walk on our lawn and think

oh yes. Please.

and mean it.

I’ve lived for so long, empty bereft of such a simple gift. To be filled with it now, to hear doubt and fear cease, made mute by calm hope, is almost too much.

These voices, they’ll come around.

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18 Responses to “Hope is a waking dream.”

  1. flutter June 23, 2009 at 12:39 am #

    Yes, they will.

  2. Sheri June 23, 2009 at 5:22 am #

    Hope is something I didn’t have until I got my mental illness under some semblance of control. This is a very touching post. I wish you well.

    • thordora June 23, 2009 at 7:16 pm #

      Yeah, I’ve never had any, not since I was about 8. It’s kinda nice actually.

  3. Marcy June 23, 2009 at 7:39 am #

    smiling

  4. Jennifer June 23, 2009 at 8:37 am #

    Hey, speaking of which, did you find anything out about the program? EI and such?

    • thordora June 23, 2009 at 7:17 pm #

      I think I can finagle my way in (you need to not be working, but since my mental state in a call center is usually pretty precarious, that won’t be hard to get away from.)

      The issue is that I just realized the practical nursing program is all full up for this fall. 😦

  5. kelly June 23, 2009 at 9:32 am #

    indeed. i think the more we talk back at them… the more they tame. keep going!

  6. Bon June 23, 2009 at 4:27 pm #

    extraordinary post, Thor…i hope that this hope stays with you and strengthens.

    and yeh, the program…whassup?

  7. EJ June 23, 2009 at 7:10 pm #

    a dream is a wonderful thing

  8. Hannah June 23, 2009 at 10:07 pm #

    Does the nursing program have a winter enrollment?

    You know I wish you only luck and fulfillment with this. I think it’s awesome that you’ve found a path that calls to you so clearly.

    • thordora June 24, 2009 at 1:45 am #

      I’m gonna see if they do. I hope so. As much as this job is easy, it’s making me dumb, mean and irritated.

  9. B June 24, 2009 at 11:54 am #

    Starting graduate school has been one of the biggest reasons that I’ve been able to get my depression under control. I feel useful, smart, and talented, even when I only vaguely understand the material being covered.

    I wish you the best in pursuit of your dream. Even just having one can make a big difference.

    • thordora June 24, 2009 at 9:42 pm #

      I’m so glad you’re feeling better.

      Even just the thoughts of getting going does make ALL the difference.

  10. schmutzie June 25, 2009 at 11:57 am #

    Finding a dream strong enough to propel you forward is such a gift. I’m proud of you!

  11. Bromac June 26, 2009 at 9:28 am #

    This is wonderful news! I’m very happy for you!!

  12. Kay July 7, 2009 at 7:34 pm #

    Hope is such a scary thing. When you’ve lived without it for so long, you don’t know what to do with it when it arrives. Hell, sometimes you don’t even recognize it.

    I’m so happy for you that you’ve found hope, that you’ve found a dream you feel is worth pursuing. I’m starting school in the fall for social work – at 30, I’ve just discovered dreams and hope. It scares the hell out of me, I’m terrified of failing – but more than that? I’m terrified of not trying. And that is totally new.

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  1. Hope | broken fingernails - July 18, 2015

    […] This post was inspired by: “Hope is a Waking Dream“ […]

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